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<h1 align="center">The One With The Cooking Class</h1>
<hr>
<p>Teleplay by: Brian Buckner &amp; Sebastian Jones<br>
Story by: Dana Klein Borkow<br>
Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:webmaster@thecfsi.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
<hr>
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Monica as Ross enters carrying a huge
stack of newspapers.]</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey you guys I got some bad news. (He sets the stack of papers down on the
table.)</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well that<61>s no way to sell newspapers. Why don<6F>t you try,
"Extra! Extra! Read all about it!"</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> No, Monica<63>s restaurant got a horrible review in the Post. (They all
gasp.) I didn<64>t want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all
the copies I could find. (He hands the paper to Phoebe and they all read it.)</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> Man, this is bad! And I<>ve had my share of bad reviews. I still
remember my first good one though. (Quoting) "Everything else in this production of <i>Our
Town</i> was simply terrible. Joey Tribbiani was abysmal."</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> (entering) Hey!</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey.</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> (seeing the stack of newspapers) Oh my God! Look at all the newspapers!
It must be a good review! Is it great?!</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Umm<6D></p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> (reading) Oh dear God!</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> But the good news is, no one in a two-block radius will ever know.</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> What about the rest of Manhattan?!</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, they all know.</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God, this is horrible!</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I<>m so sorry.</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> I<>m so humiliated!</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah but y<>know what they say Mon, "There<72>s no such thing
as bad press."</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> You don<6F>t think that umm, (reading) "The chef<65>s Mahi Mahi
was awful awful," is bad press?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I didn<64>t write it.</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Is he right? Am I really<6C>Am I awful?</p>
<p><b>All:</b> No!</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah! Yeah Monica! You listen to me, okay? And I<>m not just saying
this because I<>m your friend, I<>m sayin<69> it <20>cause it<69>s the
truth. You<6F>re food is abysmal!</p>
<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
<p>[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, it<69>s late at night, Rachel is sitting on the couch in
the dark wide-awake as Ross walks to the bathroom.]</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross!</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> (startling him) What?! What?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I am freaking out!</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Are ya?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> My due date is in one week! </p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> What are you doing up?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> That is seven days!</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay look, I had a lot of water before I went to bed. Can we do this
after<EFBFBD></p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (interrupting him) No-no-no-no-no Ross! Please, come on we do not have
any of the big stuff we need! We do not a changing table! We do not have a crib! We do not
have a diaper service!</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> It<49>s funny you should mention diapers.</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I<>m serious.</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay look, there<72>s nothing to worry about. We have plenty of time.
There<EFBFBD>s a great baby furniture store on west 10<sup>th</sup>. Tomorrow, we will go
there and we will get you everything that you need. Okay?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. Thank you. That<61>s great. Thank you. Wait-wait! Where on west
10<sup>th</sup>? Because there<72>s this really cute shoe store that has like this
little<EFBFBD></p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> (interrupting her) Okay. Okay. If uh, if you<6F>re gonna do this, then
I<EFBFBD>m gonna do that. (Points to the bathroom.) So<53> (Starts for the bathroom.)</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (stopping him) Oh, wait Ross! I<>m sorry, one more thing!</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> (annoyed) Yeah!</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Umm, our situation. Y<>know umm, what we mean to each other. And I
mean we-we<77>re having this baby together, and we live together. Isn<73>t that,
isn<EFBFBD>t that weird?</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> (stunned) (thinks) Well uh<75></p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I<>m just kidding! You can go pee! (He does so in a hurry.)</p>
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is cooking as Chandler looks on.</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey uh Monica, I can<61>t remember. Did we say we were gonna
meet here or at the movies?</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> We said at the movies, but<75></p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay, I<>ll see you there. (Starts to leave) </p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Joey! (He returns) Now that you<6F>re here<72></p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> Sure, I can hang out <20>til I have to meet ya. (To Chandler) What
uh<EFBFBD>How come you<6F>re not going?</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I have a job interview I have to get ready for.</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> I thought you already have a job.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> And people say you don<6F>t pay attention. No, this is a much better
job. It<49>s vice-president of a company that does data reconfiguration and statistical
factoring for other companies.</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> Wow! How do you know how to do that?!</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> That<61>s what I do now.</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey Joey, come taste this.</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> What is it?</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Remember that guy that gave me a bad review? Well<6C> (Feeds him a
spoonful of what she<68>s cooking.) I<>m getting my revenge!</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> You cooked him?</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> No. He teaches a course on food criticism at the New School, so before
we go to the movies I wanna go by there and make him try my bouillabaisse again. Oh, I
cannot wait to read the front page of the Post tomorrow! "Restaurant reviewer admits:
I was wrong about Monica."</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> The front page? You really do live in your own little world,
don<EFBFBD>t ya?</p>
<p>[Scene: The Baby Furniture Store, Ross and Rachel are checking out.]</p>
<p><b>Cashier:</b> Do you uh, want these things delivered Mr. and Mrs. Geller?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh.</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh.</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No-no-no! No, no, no, we<77>re not married.</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> We are having a baby together, but we<77>re not involved. (The cashier,
a very beautiful woman, looks confused) I mean, uh we-we were seeing each other a while
ago, but then we were just friends. And then there was one drunken night. (Rachel looks at
him angrily) Or, yes stranger, we<77>d like this delivered please.</p>
<p><b>Cashier:</b> Why don<6F>t you fill out this address card. (Hands him one.)</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, okay.</p>
<p><b>Cashier:</b> I notice you picked out a lot of our dinosaur items.</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh yeah! Actually, that<61>s one of the reasons why we<77>re not a
couple.</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> I chose those, I<>m a paleontologist.</p>
<p><b>Cashier:</b> Really?! That is so cool!</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh. Oh yeah, don<6F>t get to worked up over it. I mean it-it sounds
like he<68>s a doctor, but he<68>s not.</p>
<p><b>Cashier:</b> Oh no-no, I<>m fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new
Walter Alvarez book?</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah! I-I teach it in my class.</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my God! I<>m standing at a cash register, holding a credit card,
and I<>m bored.</p>
<p><b>Cashier:</b> (looking at the completed address card) Oh, I love your neighborhood.
There<EFBFBD>s a great gym right around the corner from your building.</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> That<61>s my gym.</p>
<p><b>Cashier:</b> I can tell you work out. (Ross is please and Rachel looks at him
confused.) A paleontologist who works out, you<6F>re like Indiana Jones. (Rachel has a
disbelieving look on her face.)</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> I <b>am</b> like Indiana Jones.</p>
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters.]</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi Pheebs!</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey! Oh, how did baby shopping go?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, it was great! We got everything that we needed! Oh and Ross, almost
got something that wasn<73>t on the list. A whore.</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What?!</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, we were paying for our stuff and this saleswoman just started
flirting with him.</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well did she know you two weren<65>t married?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah.</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh my God! Well the idea of a woman flirting with a-with a single man,
we-we must alert the church elders!</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> You don<6F>t understand! You didn<64>t see how brazen she was.</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Sounds like you<6F>re a little jealous.</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! I<>m not! I-I-I just think it<69>s wrong! It<49>s-it<69>s
that I<>m<EFBFBD>Here I am about to pop and he<68>s out picking up some shop girl at
Sluts <20>R<EFBFBD> Us!</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Is that a real place? (Rachel<65>s stunned) Are they hiring?</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (entering) Hey Phoebe! (To Rachel) Fatty!</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey Chandler, why so fancy?</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, I got a job interview. It<49>s kinda a big deal too. Its a lot
more money and I<>d be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring.</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Wait, I think I know someone who does that.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Me! I do that. So<53> Seriously, do I look okay? I<>m little
nervous.</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh yeah! You really<6C>You look great.</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, just don<6F>t get your hopes up.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Why not?</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, the interview<65></p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What about it?</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Y<>know! You don<6F>t make a very good first impression.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (shocked) What?!</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh you don<6F>t know.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Are you serious?!</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yes, when I first met you, you were like, "Blah, blah, blah."
I was like, shhh!</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What is it that I do?</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well it<69>s just like you<6F>re trying too hard. Always making
jokes, y<>know, you just<73>You come off a little needy.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Rachel) Did you like me when we first met?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Chandler, I<>m not gonna lie to ya, but I am gonna run away from
you. (Gets up and hurries out.)</p>
<p>[Scene: The New School, Monica, carrying her dish, and Joey are confronting the food
critic.]</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hi! Umm, I<>m Monica Geller, I<>m the chef at Alessandro<72>s.</p>
<p><b>The Food Critic:</b> Still?</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> I think the things that you said about me are really unfair, and I would
like for you to give my bouillabaisse another chance.</p>
<p><b>The Food Critic:</b> I don<6F>t see any reason why I would do that to myself
again.</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> Either eat it, or be in it.</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Spoon? (Hands him one and he tastes it.) So, what do you think?</p>
<p><b>The Food Critic:</b> I<>m torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a
beating. But I must be honest, your soap is abysmal. (Throws down the spoon and walks
out.)</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> Thata girl! Huh? We should get out of here; there<72>s a new class
comin<EFBFBD> in.</p>
<p>(They start to leave.)</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Welcome to introduction to cooking. Now, before we start,
can anyone tell me the difference between a hollandaise sauce and a bearnaise sauce? (No
one can.)</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> I can.</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Okay, go ahead.</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well umm, they both have a egg yolk and butter base, but a bearnaise has
shallots, shirvel, and most importantly tarragon. </p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> That<61>s very good, what<61>s your name?</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Monica.</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Monica, you go to the head of the class.</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. (Does so.)</p>
<p>[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are unpacking and setting up their new
purchases.]</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> All this stuff takes up a lot of room. Hey how uh, how serious are you
about keeping Ben in your life?</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> My son? Pretty serious. (There<72>s a knock on the door and Ross answers
it.) Oh hey Katie! (The cashier from before) What uh, what are you doing here?</p>
<p><b>Katie:</b> Well, the delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this. (A
blanket.)</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Ah, must<73>ve been fairly obvious since it was the only thing left in
your store.</p>
<p><b>Katie:</b> Listen, to be honest, home deliveries are really a part of my job
description.</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh. (Reaches into his pocket for some money as Rachel enters the living
room and watches holding two stuffed dinosaurs.)</p>
<p><b>Katie:</b> Oh uh<75>I actually came here to ask you out.</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh! Wow! Uh, yeah! That sounds great. I<>m just gonna put this (The
money) back in my pocket, pretend <b>that</b> didn<64>t happen. Uh yeah, actually
I<EFBFBD>m free now. Do you wanna grab some coffee or<6F></p>
<p><b>Katie:</b> Sure!</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Horny bitch. (They both look at her, pretending that the dinosaurs
she<EFBFBD>s holding are arguing.) No! You<6F>re a horny bitch! Noooo! You<6F>re the
horny bitch! No! You<6F>re a horny bitch!</p>
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
<p>[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, continued from before.]</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> So you guys go, have a really good time.</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> (To Katie) Yeah, I<>m just gonna grab my coat. And uh, and my whip.
(Katie looks worried.) Y<>know because of the Indiana Jones? (Katie laughs) Not-not
because I<>m-I<>m into S&amp;M. (Katie<69>s worried again.) I<>m
not-I<>m not into anything weird. Y<>know? Just-just normal sex. (Katie is
uncomfortable.) So, I<>m gonna grab my coat. (Does so, leaving Katie and Rachel
alone.)</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> So, you had a good day huh? Big commission; picked up a daddy.</p>
<p><b>Katie:</b> Are you okay with this?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh yeah! Yeah please, you guys have fun.</p>
<p><b>Katie:</b> Okay. It was nice to see you.</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh and it was great to see you too. And you look fantastic, although you
missed a button.</p>
<p><b>Katie:</b> Oh umm, actually I umm<6D></p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh okay, I see what you<6F>re doing there.</p>
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Phoebe are entering.]</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I can<61>t even believe this! I really come off that badly?</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh! It<49>s okay, you calm down after a while and then people can see
how really sweet and wonderful you really are.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh good. Good, because I<>m sure this interview is gonna last a
couple of weeks.</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right, don<6F>t <b>freak</b> out! Okay? I-I will help you. How
long before you have to leave?</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> An hour.</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I can<61>t help you.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Phoebe!</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right, all right, we<77>ll just do our best. Okay? So let<65>s
say I<>m the interviewer and I<>m meeting you for the first time. Okay. "Hi!
Come on in, I<>m uh, Regina Philange."</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Chandler Bing.</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Bing, what an unusual name.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well you should meet my uncle, Bada. (Pause) I<>ll let myself out.</p>
<p>[Scene: The Cooking Class, Joey is trying to cook as the teacher walks over to him.]</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hi.</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Your Fettuccini Alfredo looks a little dry, did you use all
your cheese?</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> When you say used, do you mean eat as a pre-cooking snack?</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> And the cream?</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> Cheese makes me thirsty.</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Okay. Let<65>s move on.</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> All right.</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> (To Monica) Oh! Something smells good over at Monica<63>s
station! (She tries Monica<63>s fettuccini.) Oh my God! This is absolutely amazing!
You<EFBFBD>ve never made this before?</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh no! I don<6F>t know anything about cooking. I had to ask someone
what it<69>s called when the, when the water makes those little bubbles.</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Well, hats off to the chef.</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> I-I-I<>m sorry, your-your mouth was full, I didn<64>t hear what
you said. Umm, hats off to who now?</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> The chef!</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> That<61>s right.</p>
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Phoebe are still working on his
interviewing techniques.]</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> <20>I think you<6F>ll find if I come to work here, I don<6F>t
micro-manage. I don<6F>t shy away from delegating.</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Um-hmm, that<61>s good to know. But let<65>s stop focusing on what
you don<6F>t do, and start focusing on what you do do.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (suppressing a smile) What I do do<64>is manage to uh, create an
atmosphere of support for the people working with me.</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I see. Nice sidestep on the do do thing by the way.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hardest thing I<>ve ever done in my life.</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You gotta go!</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh! (Stands up.)</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, don<6F>t worry. You<6F>re ready.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Really?</p>
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Absolutely! Just fight all your natural instincts and you<6F>ll be
great.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay.</p>
<p>[Scene: The Cooking Class, everyone has finished baking a batch of cookies and the
teacher is going around tasting them.]</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Ah Monica, my star student.</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Y<>know, you called me that before so I-I took the liberty of
fashioning a star out of aluminum foil. Now, no pressure, you like my cookies, you give me
the star. (Hands it to her.)</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> (tasting the cookie and with her mouthful) Oh, yum-yum-yum.
(Hands the star back.)</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Wow! A star! (The class glares at her.) I know you all hate me and-and
I<EFBFBD>m sorry, but I don<6F>t care.</p>
<p>(The teacher goes to Joey<65>s station.)</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Okay Joey, you<6F>re up next. (Tries one of his cookies.)
This are good! This is amazing! You get an A!</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> I can an A? In-in school? (To Joey) Hey, I<>m a dork.</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Joey! I<>m so proud of you!</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> I think you should give him your star.</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Excuse me? He doesn<73>t even know what he<68>s doing!</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> We<57>re all beginners here. Nobody knows what
they<EFBFBD>re doing.</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> I do! I<>m a professional chef! (The class gasps.) Oh relax!
It<EFBFBD>s not a courtroom drama!</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> If you<6F>re a professional chef, what are you doing
taking Introduction to Cooking?</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah!</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> I<>m-I<>m sorry, it<69>s just that umm<6D> Well I-I cook at
this restaurant, Alessandro<72>s, and umm I just got a really bad review<65></p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Oh Alessandro<72>s! I <b>love</b> that place!</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> You do?</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Oh yes! You<6F>re an excellent chef! As a person
you<EFBFBD>re a little<6C></p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, I<>m totally crazy, but you-you like the food?</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Very much.</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay then, I don<6F>t stink. I<>m a good chef. Okay. (Starts to
leave.)</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I don<6F>t want to go. I<>m having fun.</p>
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Well actually, did either of you pay for this class?</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey-hey-hey, if my friend says it<69>s time to go, it<69>s time to go.
(Starts to leave, but comes back for his cookies.)</p>
<p>[Scene: An Office Building, Chandler is on his interview.]</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> <20>also I was the point person on my company<6E>s transition from
the KL-5 to GR-6 system.</p>
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> You must<73>ve had your hands full.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> That I did. That I did.</p>
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> So let<65>s talk a little bit about your duties.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (nervous) My duties? (Trying not to crack a joke) All right.</p>
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Now you<6F>ll be heading a whole division, so you<6F>ll
have a lot of duties.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (trying not to laugh) I see.</p>
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> But there<72>ll be perhaps 30 people under you so you can
dump a certain amount on them.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (really try not to laugh) Good to know.</p>
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> We can go into detail<69></p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No don<6F>t I beg of you!</p>
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> All right then, we<77>ll have a definite answer for you on
Monday, but I think I can say with some confidence, you<6F>ll fit in well here.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (relieved) Really?!</p>
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Absolutely. (They walk to the door.) You can relax; you did
great.</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah I gotta say thank you, I was really nervous. Y<>know
I<EFBFBD>ve been told I come on to strong, make to many jokes, and then it was really hard
to sidestep that duty thing. (The interviewer doesn<73>t understand) Duties. (Still
doesn<EFBFBD>t.) Duties! (Still doesn<73>t.) Poo. (Still doesn<73>t.)</p>
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Poo?</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh my God this doesn<73>t count! Okay? The interview was over, that
was the real Chandler Bing in there, this is just some crazy guy out in the hall! Call
security! There<72>s a crazy guy out in the hall!</p>
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Poo?!</p>
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I<>ll look forward to your call. (Walks away.)</p>
<p>[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is returning from his date.]</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey.</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi! You<6F>re back from your date!</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> How are you?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I<>m fine, but that<61>s not important. What<61>s important is
how was she?</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Uhh, it was fun. We, we just had coffee.</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee, a little rub-rub-rub under the table.</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> What<61>s uh, what<61>s going on? Do you not, do you not like Katie?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! No, she<68>s<EFBFBD>She was nice. I mean, she<68>s a little
slutty, but who isn<73>t?</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> I liked her.</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Of course you did Ross, you would date a gorilla if it called you
Indiana Jones!</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Did you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?!</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! It<49>s just that, Kate bothered me. </p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Why? What was wrong with her?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> There was nothing wrong with her! All right? She was perfectly lovely!</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, so what<61>s the matter?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I don<6F>t want you to date her!</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> (laughs) Why? What, what are you jealous?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes! And not because I want you to go out with me, but because I
don<EFBFBD>t want you to go out with anybody! Okay? I know it<69>s a terrible thing to
even think this, and it<69>s completely inappropriate, but I want you to be at my
constant beck and call 24 hours a day! I<>m very sorry, but that is just the way that
I feel.</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay.</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?!</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> I won<6F>t date. I<>ll uh, I<>ll be here, with you, all the
time.</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Really? But I<>m being so unreasonable.</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> True, but you<6F>re allowed to be unreasonable. You<6F>re having our
baby.</p>
<p>(Pause.)</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (starting to cry) Oh Ross, thank you. Thank you. (They hug.)</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Do you feel better?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No, not really. You<6F>re pressing the baby into my bladder and now I
have to pee. Sorry. (She gets up and starts for the bathroom.)</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh Rach?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah. (Stops and starts doing the I-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom dance.)</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Just one thing umm<6D></p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Uh-huh.</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> We live together. You<6F>re having our baby. I<>m not gonna see
anybody else. Are you-are you sure you don<6F>t want something more?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (pause) Wow! I don<6F>t know, maybe. I<>m<EFBFBD></p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh-oh, Rach! I was just messin<69> around! (She<68>s stunned) Like you
did last night when I had to pee?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (laughs) I knew that! I knew that! I was just messin<69> with you too!
</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> (pause) Okay. Okay. Because for a minute you said you<6F></p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh no-no-no-no, no!</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> <20>that you actually<6C></p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No that<61>s just<73>(Laughs)<29>That<61>s just <20>cause
I<EFBFBD>m such a good messer!</p>
<p>(They both laugh. Ross sits down, but Rachel doesn<73>t move and is lost in thought.)</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> Rach?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah?</p>
<p><b>Ross:</b> The bathroom?</p>
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Right! (Heads for the bathroom.)</p>
<p align="center"><strong>Closing Credits</strong></p>
<p>[Scene: The New School, Joey and Monica are walking down a hallway.]</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well I had a great time! Learned how to bake, ate great food, that<61>s
the first A I<>ve gotten since seventh grade, <b>and</b> I didn<64>t have to sleep
with the teacher this time.</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, look! Acting for Beginners! Want to feel good about yourself?</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> What the hell!</p>
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay.</p>
<p>(They enter.)</p>
<p><b>The Acting Teacher:</b> All right, let<65>s start with some basics. Can anybody
tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is?</p>
<p>(No one can and Monica looks at Joey expectantly.)</p>
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, this was a stupid idea. (Exits.)</p>
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
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