Written by: Seth Kurland
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Ross�s Wedding, continued from last season, the Minister is about to marry Ross and Emily.]
Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. (Time lapse) Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross...
Ross: I Ross...
Minister: Take thee, Emily...
Ross: Take thee, Rachel...(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realizes what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily.
Minister: (Looking and feeling awkward. he looks towards Emily.) Uhh...Shall I go on?
Rachel: (To the woman sitting in front of her) He-he said Rachel, right? Do you think I should go up there?
Emily: Yes, yes, do go on.
Minister: I think we�d better start again. Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross�
Ross: I, Ross�
Minister: Take thee, EM-I-LY�
Ross: Take thee, (Glares at the Minister) Emily. (Chuckles) Like there�d be anybody else. (Emily is glaring at him.)
Minister: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.
Ross: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Really, I do. Emily. (Points at her.)
Minister: May I have the rings? (He is given the rings) Emily, place this ring on Ross�s finger as a symbol of your bond everlasting. (She jams the ring onto his finger) Ross, place this ring in Emily�s hand as a symbol of the love that encircles you forever.
Ross: Happy too.
Minister: Ross and Emily have made their declarations and it gives me great pleasure to declare them husband and wife.
Ross: Yay!
Minister: You may kiss the bride.
(He goes to kiss her, but she isn�t very receptive of the kiss. She keeps avoiding him, until Ross finally gets to kiss her on her cheek.)
Mrs. Geller: (To Mr. Geller) This is worse than when he married the lesbian.
(The band starts to play, and the recessional starts. Ross tries to take Emily�s hand, but she snatches it away from him.)
Emily: Just keep smiling.
Ross: Okay.
Joey: Well, that went well. Yeah.
Chandler: It could�ve been worse, he could�ve shot her.
(Ross and Emily make it to the lobby.)
Ross: (laughs) That uh, that was pretty funny. Wasn�t it?
(Emily gives him a forearm shot across the stomach.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: The Wedding reception, Ross and Emily are in the bathroom and Emily is yelling at him. Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are standing outside the doorway.]
Emily: (Yelling from inside the bathroom) You�ve spoiled everything! It�s like a nightmare! My friends and family are out there! How can I face them?! How can you do this to me?!
Joey: (To the gang) Hey, no matter what happens with Ross and Emily, we still get cake right?
Ross: (exiting the bathroom) That-that-that�s all right, no honey, you take your time sweetie. I�ll be right out here. (She slams the door in his face, to the gang) She�s just fixing her makeup.
Emily: I hate you!!
Ross: And, I love you!! (He walks into the living room)
Mr. Geller: Boy, bad time to say the wrong name, huh Ross?
Ross: That�s true, thanks dad. (To All) People should be dancing! Huh? Hey, this is a party! Come on! Joey, dance!! (He starts to dance but stops when no one else joins him.)
(Mrs. Waltham�s phone rings and she answers it.)
Mrs. Waltham: Yes, Waltham interiors.
Phoebe: (On the phone, in New York) Uh, hello, this is Ross Geller�s personal physician, Dr. Philange.
Mrs. Waltham: Who?
Phoebe: Yeah, I�ve discovered that Ross forgot to take his brain medicine, uh, now without it, uh, in the brain of Ross, uh women�s names are interchangeable, through-through no fault of his own.
Mrs. Waltham: Oh my God, Phoebe.
Phoebe: No, not Phoebe, Dr. Philange. Oh no! You have it too!
(Mrs. Waltham hangs up on her.)
Phoebe: Hello?
(Cut to Chandler and Monica at the buffet table.)
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Oh wow, I hope you don�t take this the wrong way but, I know we had plans to meet up tonight and, ugh, I�m just kinda worried about what it might do to our friendship.
Monica: I know. How could we have let this happen?
Chandler: Seven times!
Monica: Ugh! Well, y�know, we were away�
Chandler: In a foreign, romantic country�
Monica: I blame London.
Chandler: Bad London! (Takes a spoon and smacks the turkey.)
Monica: So look umm, while we�re st-still in London, I mean, we can keep doing it right?
Chandler: Well, I don�t see that we have a choice. But, when we�re back home, we don�t do it.
Monica: Only here.
Chandler: Y�know, I saw a wine cellar downstairs�
Monica: I�ll meet you there in two minutes.
Chandler: Okay!
(He throws down his plate and runs to the wine cellar, Monica is about to follow him but is intercepted by Rachel.)
Rachel: Mon, honey, I gotta ask you something.
Monica: (impatiently) Now?
Rachel: Ross said my name up there, I mean, come on, I just can�t pretend that didn�t happen can I?
Monica: Oh, I-I don�t know.
Rachel: Monica, what should I do?
Monica: Just uh, do the right thing. (Uses some breath spray)
Rachel: What?
Monica: Toe the line. Thread the needle. Think outside the box! (Tries to leave, but is stopped by Rachel.)
Rachel: Whoa, wait, listen, I think I�m just gonna talk to Ross about what he think it meant.
Monica: Wait. Rachel, no, he�s married. Married! If you don�t realize that, I can�t help you.
Rachel: Okay, you�re right. You�re right. You can�t help me.
(Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller.)
Mrs. Geller: Jack, is it all our fault? Were we bad parents?
Mr. Waltham: (walking by) Yes.
Mr. Geller: Oh yeah, well who serves steak when there�s no place to sit, I mean how are you supposed to eat this?
Joey: Hey, what�s up? (He has solved the problem of eating the steak, he�s eating it with his hands.)
(Cut to Monica and Chandler, Monica is running up to him.)
Monica: Where were you? We were supposed to meet in the wine cellar?
Chandler: Forget it, that�s off.
Monica: Why?!
Mr. Waltham: (drunkenly) The next tour of the wine cellar will plan in two in-in minutes�
(Joey walks up to them.)
Monica: Joey, what are you doing? You promised Phoebe you wouldn�t eat meat until she has the babies!
Joey: Well, I figured we�re in another country, so it doesn�t count.
Monica: That�s true.
Chandler: The man�s got a point.
(Cut to Rachel and Ross.)
Rachel: Oh, hi!
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: Hi. Sorry, things aren�t working out so well.
Ross: Oh no! It could be better, but it�s gonna be okay, right?
Rachel: Oh yeah! Of course, I mean, she�s gonna get over this, y�know? I mean, so you said my name! Y�know you just said it �cause you saw me there, if you�d have seen a circus freak, you would�ve said, "I take thee circus freak." Y�know, it didn�t mean anything, it�s just a mistake. It didn�t mean anything. Right?
Ross: No! No! Of course it didn�t mean anything! I mean, uh well, I can understand why Emily would think it meant something, y�know, because-because it was you�
Rachel: Right�
Ross: But it absolutely didn�t. (Yelling towards the bathroom) It didn�t!! It didn�t!!
Joey: (approaching) Ross, hey, the band�s ready outside for your first dance with Emily, so�
Ross: (sarcastic) Oh! Oh-oh, the band�s ready! Well, I-I-we gotta do what the band says�I don�t care about the stupid band!!
Joey: You spit on me man! (Wipes his face.)
Ross: Look, I�m sorry.
Joey: Emily is kinda taking a long time, huh?
Rachel: (laughs) Y�know when I locked myself in the bathroom at my wedding, it was because I was trying to pop the window out of the frame.
Ross: Oh, right!
Rachel: Get the hell out of there, y�know?
(They all start laughing, and quickly stop when they realize what she just said and run over to the bathroom.)
Ross: (Bangs on the bathroom door) Emily? Emily? I�m coming in. (He opens the door to reveal that the window is gone, along with Emily.)
Rachel: Well, look at that, same thing.
[Scene: London Marriott, Monica and Chandler are walking to her room.]
Chandler: Listen, in the middle of everything if I scream the word, "Yippee!" just ignore me.
(She laughs and opens the door to reveal Rachel sitting on the bed.)
Monica: Oh my God, Rachel! Hi!
Chandler: Oh, hello Rachel.
Rachel: Ross said my name. Okay? My name. Ross said my name up there that obviously means that he still loves me! (They both just stare at her.) Okay, don�t believe me, I know I�m right�do you guys want to go downstairs and get a drink?
Chandler: Yes, we do. But, we have to change first.
Monica: Yes, I want to change. And why-why don�t you go down and get us a table?
Chandler: Yeah, we�ll be down in like five minutes.
Monica: (elbows him) Fifteen minutes.
Rachel: Okay.
(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
Rachel: Hello? Oh, Pheebs! (To them) It�s Phoebe!
Chandler: Oh, yay�
Monica: Great�
Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: Hi, so what happened?
Rachel: Well, Ross said my name.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, but I don�t think that means anything.
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, y�know what, let�s look at this objectively all right? Ninth grade, right? The obsession starts. All right? The summer after ninth grade he sees me in a two-piece for the first time, his obsession begins to grow. So then�
Chandler: (To Monica) Hey, listen, why don�t we go change in my room?
Monica: But my clothes are�ohh! (They both leave.)
(Cut to Chandler�s room, he opens the door slowly to see if Joey is there and after seeing that he isn�t, ushers Monica into the room, closes the door, and the security bar.)
Chandler: Wow, you look�
Monica: No time for that!
(They both start to frantically rip each other�s clothes off, but are interrupted when Joey tries to open the door.)
Joey: Hey, dude, let me in. I got a girl out here!
Chandler: Well, I�ve got a girl in here.
Joey: No you don�t, I just saw you go in there with Monica!
Chandler: Well, we�re-we�re hanging out in here!
Joey: Look, which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?
Chandler: Well, I suppose I�d have to say you!! But, what if we�re watching a movie in here?
Monica: Which we are, and-and we already paid for it. It�s My Giant!
Joey: My Giant? I love that movie!
[Scene: Ross and Emily�s room, Chandler and Monica are still looking for a place to do the deed.]
Monica: You really think this is okay?
Chandler: Well, Ross and Emily aren�t gonna use it.
Monica: Oh, it�s so beautiful. Ohh! Y�know, I-I don�t know if I feel right about this.
Chandler: Oh Mon-Mon-Mon-Mon-look, this is the honeymoon suite. The room expects sex. The room would be disappointed if it didn�t get sex. All of the other honeymoon suites would think it was a loser.
Monica: Okay!
Chandler: Okay!
(They both run to rip the covers off the bed, but are interrupted by Ross.)
Ross: (entering) Emily?!
Chandler: Nope, not under here!
Monica: You didn�t find her?
Ross: No, I�ve looked everywhere!
Chandler: Well, you couldn�t have looked everywhere or else you would�ve found her!
Monica: Yeah, I think you should keep looking!
Chandler: Yeah, for about 30 minutes.
Monica: Or 45.
Chandler: Wow, in 45 minutes you can find her twice. (Monica smiles at that.)
Ross: No! For all I know, she�s trying to find me but couldn�t because I kept moving around. No, from now on, I�m staying in one place. (He sits down on the bed.) Right here.
Monica: Well, it�s getting late.
Chandler: Yeah, we�re gonna go.
Ross: Actually, do you guys mind staying here for a while?
Monica: Ugh, y�know, umm we gotta get up early and catch that plane for New York.
Chandler: Yeah, it�s a very large plane.
Ross: (disappointed) That�s cool.
Chandler: But, we�ll stay here with you.
Ross: Thanks guys! (They both sit down on either side of him.) I really appreciate this, y�know, but you don�t have to rub my butt.
(Chandler slowly takes his hand away.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross and Emily�s room, the next morning. Ross is now asleep and has his head in Monica�s lap and his feet on Chandler�s lap. Monica and Chandler are both still awake and depressed.]
Chandler: We have to leave for New York in an hour.
Monica: I know, I�ve been looking at those doors, they look pretty sound proof, don�t you think?
Chandler: We can�t do that that�s insane. I mean �A� he could wake up and �B� y�know, let�s go for it.
(They both try to slowly extricate themselves from Ross, but there�s a knock on the door that awakens him.)
Ross: Em-Emily? (Looking around for her.) Em-Emily? (He runs to the door.) Emily! (He opens the door to reveal the Walthams standing outside.)
Mr. Waltham: No.
Mrs. Waltham: You can forget about Emily, she�s not with us.
Mr. Waltham: We�ve come for her things.
Ross: Wait, well wh-wh-wh-where is she?
Mr. Waltham: She�s in hiding. She�s utterly humiliated. She doesn�t want to see you ever again.
Mrs. Waltham: We�re very sad that it didn�t work out between you and Emily, monkey. But, I think you�re absolutely delicious.
Mr. Waltham: Excuse me, I�m standing right here!
Mrs. Waltham: Oh yes, there you are.
Rachel: (entering, carrying an armful of those little soaps.) Hey-hey, you guys oh hurry up, get some, there�s a whole cart outside� (Sees the Walthams and stops.)
Mr. Waltham: Goodbye Geller.
Ross: Now, hold on! Hold on! (Stops him) Look, look, your daughter and I are supposed to leave tonight for our honeymoon, now-now you-you tell her that I�m gonna be at that airport and I hope that she�ll be there too! Oh yeah, I said Rachel�s name, but it didn�t mean anything, Okay? She�s-she�s just a friend and that�s all! (Rachel sits down, depressed.) That�s all! Now just tell Emily that I love her and that I can�t imagine spending my life with anyone else. Please, promise me that you�ll tell her that.
Mr. Waltham: All right, I�ll tell her. (To his wife) Come on bugger face!
Mrs. Waltham: (As she walks pass Ross, she pats his but.) Call me.
Mr. Waltham: You spend half your life in the bathroom, why don�t you ever go out the bloody window!
[Scene: A 747 somewhere over the North Atlantic, Monica and Chandler are sitting in first class, depressed.]
Monica: Y�know, maybe it�s best that we never got to do it again.
Chandler: Yeah, it kinda makes that-that one night special. (Realizes something) Y�know, technically we still are over international waters.
Monica: I�m gonna go to the bathroom, maybe I�ll see you there in a bit?
Chandler: �Kay!
(Monica gets up and heads for the bathroom, Chandler turns to watch her go and is startled to see Joey sitting in Monica�s seat.)
Joey: Can I ask you something?
Chandler: Uhh, no.
Joey: Felicity and I, we�re watching My Giant, and I was thinking, "I�m never gonna be as good an actor as that giant." Do you think I�m just wasting my life with this acting thing?
Chandler: No.
Joey: I mean, the giant is like five years younger than me, y�know, you think I�ll ever get there?
Chandler: Yes.
Joey: Thanks man.
Chandler: Okay man. (Chandler starts to get up.)
Joey: But what about how much taller he is than me?
(Time lapse, Chandler is finishing his third little bottle of booze.)
Joey: I mean, there�s no way I can make myself taller now, y�know? And who knows what science will come up with in the future, but Chandler, what if I die an unsuccessful, regular sized man?
(Monica returns.)
Joey: Hey, Monica, wow you�ve been in the bathroom for like a half-hour.
Monica: I know!
Joey: Had the beef-tips, huh?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is eating cereal from a bowl she has balanced on her stomach as Joey, Chandler, and Monica return.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hi!
(They all hug.)
Phoebe: (To Joey) You ate meat! (Joey is shocked) (To Chandler and Monica) You had sex! (They�re shocked.)
Chandler: No we didn�t!
Phoebe: I know you didn�t, I was talking about Monica.
Monica: Phoebe, I did not have sex.
Phoebe: This pregnancy is throwing me all off.
Joey: All right, I�m gonna go say hi the chick and the duck.
Phoebe: Oh, me too!
Joey: Why would you need to say hi to them, you�ve been feeding them for four days?
Phoebe: Oh right, maybe I�ll just go home.
(She grabs her bag and leaves, Joey moves a little quicker to his apartment, leaving Monica and Chandler alone.)
Monica: Well, we certainly are alone.
Chandler: Yes! Good thing we have that, �Not in New York� rule.
Monica: Right. Umm, listen since we�re-we-re on that subject, umm, I just wanted to tell you that uh, well, I-I was going through a really hard time in London, what with my brother getting married and that guy thinking I was Ross�s mother�
Chandler: Right.
Monica: Well, an-anyway, I just�that night meant a lot to me, I guess I�m just trying to say thanks.
Chandler: Oh. Y�know, that night meant a lot to me too, and it wasn�t because I was in a bad place or anything, it just meant a lot to me �cause, you�re really hot! Is that okay?
Monica: (laughs) That�s okay.
Chandler: And I�m cute too.
Monica: And you�re cute too.
Chandler: Thank you! (They hug.) All right, I gotta go unpack.
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: Bye.
(After he closes the door, Monica starts to follow him, but thinks better of it and stops.)
Chandler: (entering) I�m still on London time, does that count?
Monica: That counts!
Chandler: Oh, good! (They start kissing.)
[Scene: An airport in London, Ross is waiting for Emily to show up to go on their honeymoon and sees Rachel walking past.]
Ross: Rach! Rach!
Rachel: (she stops and turns) Hi!
Ross: Hi! What are you, what are you doing here?
Rachel: Well, I-I-I�ve been on Standby for a flight home for hours.
Ross: Oh.
Rachel: Ohh, so no sign of Emily huh?
Ross: Not yet.
Rachel: So umm, what time are you supposed to leave?
Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the last call for Flight 1066 to Athens. The last call.
Ross: Pretty soon I guess.
Rachel: Yeah. I�m sorry.
Ross: I just, I don�t understand, I mean, how-how can she do this? Y�know, what, am I, am I like a complete idiot for thinking that she�d actually show up?
Rachel: No, you�re not an idiot, Ross. You�re a guy very much in love.
Ross: Same difference.
Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) All ticketed passengers for Flight 1066 to Athens should now be on board.
Ross: I get it! Well, that�s that.
Rachel: No, you know what, I think you should go.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Yeah, I do. I think you should go, by yourself, get some distance, clear your head, I think it�d be really good.
Ross: Oh, I don�t, I don�t, I don�t know�
Rachel: Oh, come on Ross! I think it would be really good for you!
Ross: I could, yeah, I can do that.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: I can�t, I can�t even believe her! No, y�know what, I am, I am gonna go!
Rachel: Good!
Ross: I know, why not?
Rachel: Right!
Ross: Right?
Rachel: Right!
Ross: Y�know�thanks! (They hug)
Rachel: Okay, I�ll see you back at home, if I ever get a flight out of here.
Ross: Yeah, well�nah.
Rachel: What? Wait, what?
Ross: Why don�t you come, I mean, I-I have two tickets, why not?
Rachel: Well-well, I don�t know Ross�really?
Ross: Yeah, yeah, it�ll be great! You can, you can lay on the beach and I can cry over my failed marriage. See-see how I make jokes?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Ross: No really, I mean, I mean, God, I could use a friend.
Rachel: Oh wow, uh okay, uh maybe. Umm, yes, I can do that!
Ross: Okay!
Rachel: Okay!
Ross: Cool!
Rachel: All right!
Ross: Come on! (They go to the jetway, Ross hands the tickets to the gate agent.) Here.
Rachel: Oh, okay, we�re going. Yeah.
Ross: Ah! Ah! I forgot my jacket!
Rachel: Oh, wait-wait-wait�
Ross: You tell them to wait!
Rachel: Okay. Wait! Wait!
(Ross retrieves his jacket and sees that not only has Emily arrived, but she as seen Rachel take her place on the plane.)
Ross: Emily.
(She stares at him and Ross realizes what she�s thinking.)
Ross: Oh no-no-no! Oh-no! (Emily starts to run out and Ross chases her.) No! No! Emily!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Flight 1066 to Athens, Rachel is ordering a drink for Ross and herself.]
Rachel: Ahh, yes, I will have a glass of the Merlot and uh, (points to Ross�s seat.) he will have a white wine spritzer. Woo! (Looks out the window.) Hey, look at that, the airport�s moving. (Realizes that that�s not how it works.) Hey, are we moving?! Are we moving? Why are we moving? Hey, time-out, umm, yeah, does the captain know that we�re moving? (Sits back in defeat.) Oh my God. Oh, my gosh.
End