mirror of
https://github.com/bvanroll/startrek-ml.git
synced 2025-08-29 03:52:47 +00:00
365 lines
20 KiB
HTML
365 lines
20 KiB
HTML
|
||
<!-- saved from url=(0056)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season9/904sharks.htm -->
|
||
<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
|
||
<title>Untitled Document</title>
|
||
|
||
<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
|
||
|
||
<body bgcolor="#FFFFFF" text="#000000" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
|
||
THE ONE WITH THE SHARKS
|
||
<p><br>
|
||
WRITTEN BY : Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross is in central perk Phoebe comes in]</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: oh hey Ross oh I'm so glad someone's here could you zip me up?</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: sure.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: thank you can you believe no one between my apartment and here offered
|
||
to do that for me.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: people (shakes head, they sit) so why you all dressed up.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: oh umm Mike's picking me up for a date.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: oh yea now um how is that going, is it getting serious?</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: oh I dunno I dunno, you know I mean I like him but am I ready to take
|
||
my grade a loins off the meat market.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: you know I really admire your whole dating attitude, it's so healthy
|
||
I'm always like is this moving to fast? Is this moving to slow? Where's this
|
||
going?</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: yea you know you are a bit of a drama queen.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: but you, your so much better off you just go from guy to guy having fun
|
||
and never worrying that it terns into anything serious.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: I wouldn't say never, you know there's that guy (pause) well what about
|
||
(pause) ok well there's gotta be someone.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: There isn't that's what I'm saying. (All happy)</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: Oh my god you're right.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: I know and yet here you are all ready for the next date.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: I can't believe I never realized this before, I'm in my thirty's and
|
||
never been in a long-term relationship oh my god (starts crying) what's wrong
|
||
with me.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: no, no, no there's nothing wrong with you I mean you don't strike me
|
||
as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: I wanna get married (grabs a tissue)</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: please don't cry because of me Pheebs I don't know what I'm talking about,
|
||
I've been divorced three times.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: least you've been married, OH MY GOD! I wanna trade lives with Ross
|
||
(cries more)</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: Phoebe (comes in smiling then sees Phoebe crying) what's wrong?</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: nothing, I'm excited about our date, Mike this is Ross Geller this
|
||
is Mike Haaaaa (starts crying)</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: I'm sorry I didn't catch.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: its Mike Hanagen</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Oh Ross Geller</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: Hey, so are you sure your ready to go.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: uh huh (terns to Ross) how do I look (all her make up has gone everywhere)</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: do you have a compact in your purse?</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: (goes to cry) No</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: you look great.<br>
|
||
Opening Credits</p>
|
||
<p><br>
|
||
[Scene: Monica enters central perk]</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: hey Joey</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Hey, this girl won't turn around and I can't tell whether she's hot or
|
||
not, what do you think?</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Joey I am not going to objectify woman with you (looks at the woman)
|
||
but if her face is as nice as her ass woah mamma.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Alright thanks, Oh hey have you talked to Chandler?</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: yeah he has to stay in Tulsa this weekend</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: how come?</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: he has to work, there's some rush on the big (pause, thinks) ah damn
|
||
it one of these days I'm really gonna have to start listening when he talks
|
||
about his job.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: oh why don't you fly out there and surprise him.</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: maybe I will go (thinks) yea will have a second honeymoon at the Tulsa
|
||
Ramada.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: oh and you know what you should bring the black see-through teddy with
|
||
the attached garters. (Nods)</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: how do you know I have one of those?</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: didn't till just now.</p>
|
||
<p>(Monica goes to the back and Joey looks at the girl)</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: hot not hot (she turns around) Hot!</p>
|
||
<p>Hayley: excuse me?</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: I said I think you're hot and now I'm embarrassed.</p>
|
||
<p>Hayley: oh I thought you said Hi.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: that would've been better, I'll try that Hi I'm Joey.</p>
|
||
<p>Hayley: I'm Hayley.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: look I don't usually ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses</p>
|
||
<p>Gunther: HA!</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: (turns round) gesundheit</p>
|
||
<p>Hayley: I would love to go out with you.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: really, great, did I actually ask you?</p>
|
||
<p>Hayley: no that's just where you were going I just figured that I'd help you
|
||
out, you don't seem like the kind of guy that does this very a lot.</p>
|
||
<p>Gunther: HA!</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: (turns round again) seriously Gunther you should see someone about that
|
||
cold, if it gets much worse you could DIE! (Gunther looks scared)</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross is at Phoebe's]</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: so how'd the date go?</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: well it was awful every time I thought about what you said I started
|
||
crying.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: So he hasn't called?</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: would you call this girl? (Puts on a crying act) thanks-fo-r-a-love-ly-even-ing</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: now I feel terrible this is all my fault.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: well you not what you should feel terrible about, this could have been
|
||
my serious guy he was sweet and smart and funny. Do you know how hard it is
|
||
to meet a guy like that?</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: We are a rare breed.</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey is back at Hayley's Apartment]</p>
|
||
<p>Hayley: what a great dinner.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: yeah and hey thanks again for letting me having that last piece of cake
|
||
at the restaurant.</p>
|
||
<p>Hayley: (laughs) your welcome again, I'm gonna make some coffee can I get you
|
||
anything?</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: do you have any cake?</p>
|
||
<p>(Hayley laughs and goes into the kitchen thinking it's a joke, Joey doesn't
|
||
see what's so funny about it)</p>
|
||
<p>>>> Joey's Subconscious<br>
|
||
So this is going pretty good. dinner was nice, got a lot in common. (Sees a
|
||
magazine) Victoria's secret huh we even like the same books. (Walks over to
|
||
a painting on the wall) Oh now there's a scary painting. wait a minute I think
|
||
I've been scared by that painting before. (Looks around) You know what this
|
||
whole place look familiar I have definitely been in this apartment I know I've
|
||
seen this weird plant before (it's a cactus and he touch's it) OUCH! It did
|
||
that the last time. Oh my god, I've gone out with this girl before yeah we had
|
||
sex on this couch and then on that chair and no. no we didn't do it hear which
|
||
is weird because it seems like a perfectly good place.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: (bends down to see and the cactus pricks him in the ass) OUCH! That's
|
||
why.</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross goes to see Mike to explain about Phoebe]</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: (He knocks at the door, Mike opens it) Hey Mike sorry to just drop by
|
||
like this, can I come in?</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: Sure (looks confused) who are you?</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: I'm Ross, Phoebe's friend from the coffeehouse.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: Oh.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: yeah I really, really need to talk to you about something.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: Ok, unless you're not gonna try to get me to join a cult are you?</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: (laughs) No</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: oh it's just you have that look (shuts the front door)</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Damn super cuts!</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: what's up is Phoebe ok?</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: oh no yeah, no Phoebe is great, but umm I'm an idiot look right before
|
||
you guys went out I accidentally got her all upset.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: that's why she was weird.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: yes, yeah I said something stupid about her never having had a serious
|
||
relationship, but you should know she is so much fun, a wonderful person please
|
||
don't blow her off.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: I'm not blowing her off, I actually just got off the phone with her,
|
||
were going out tomorrow night, I mean I hope that's ok with you stranger from
|
||
the coffee house.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: well then I didn't need to bother you or the four other Mike Hanagen's
|
||
I bothered.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: hey wait wait wait wait wait! Is that true what you said Phoebe's never
|
||
had a serious relationship?</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: of course she has. if she'd never had a serious relationship I'd go round
|
||
broadcasting it like some unstoppable moron.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: but you did say it</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: yes, yes I did. and I will also say what I'm about to say Vis-<2D>-vis
|
||
the following Phoebe has never had a serious relationship since her. super-serious
|
||
relationship with. Vicrum.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: Vicrum?</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: WHAT THAT'S A REAL NAME!</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler arrives home from work]</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: (enters singing) Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the
|
||
plane, STOP IT! Why couldn't they have sent me to Texas? 7 o clock maybe I'll
|
||
hit the gym (sits down) who am I kidding pay-per-view porn.</p>
|
||
<p>-Cuts to Monica (She's just arrived outside his room she fixes a bent photo
|
||
hanging on the wall then sprays mint in her mouth and enter)</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: DO NOT DISTURB DO NOT DISTURB! Monica (smiles)</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: is everything all right?</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: everything's great, just watching some regular television there,
|
||
what a pleasant surprise. (She hugs him, and she knows what he was doing so
|
||
she looks at the TV and sees sharks swimming around thinking Chandler was giving
|
||
himself a treat to sharks.)</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: I'm gonna go freshen up ok</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: Ok honey. that was close.</p>
|
||
<p>-Cut to Rachel (Phone ringing)</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: Hello</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Hey Rach its me ok I just got the Chandler's room and I caught him
|
||
molesting himself.</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: Oh that couldn't have been pretty. but you know guys do that.</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: yea well the weird part is... he was getting off to a shark attack
|
||
show!</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: Nooooooooo!</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Yes! Chandler Watches Shark Porn!<br>
|
||
Commercial Break</p>
|
||
<p><br>
|
||
[Scene: Rachel is at Monica's, talking about Chandler & him watching "Shark
|
||
Porn"]</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: well watching sharks? Are you sure that's what he was doing?</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: do you know how many times I've seen him jump up like that, believe
|
||
me I know what he was doing.</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: man sharks. I always knew there was something weird about that dude.
|
||
But you promised to love him no matter what.</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: what means if he gets like a disease or kills someone. not if he gets
|
||
his jollys to jaws!</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: Ah! You know what honey guys are just different, they like things that
|
||
we can't understand, you know I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend he
|
||
was an archeologist and I was a naughty cave woman that he unfroze from a block
|
||
of ice.</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Eww are you talking about my bother.</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: yeah I didn't disguise that very well did I.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: (enters) Hey</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: (sits down) Hi</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: listen to this... I went out with this girl last night and half way through
|
||
our date I realized I already slept with her.</p>
|
||
<p>(Monica makes a strange face and sits down)</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: so basically you've slept with all the woman in New York and now you're
|
||
just going around again.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: well that's not even the weird part. I don't think she remembered sleeping
|
||
with me.</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: But you don't remember sleeping with her.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: yeah but she should remember sleeping with me I am very memorable, you
|
||
guys know.</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: what, how do we know, we never slept with you.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: and who's fault is that.</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: what's the big deal, you forgot, she forgot, maybe you were having
|
||
an off night</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: HEY! I never have an off night ok although sometimes when I'm a little
|
||
bloated I don't feel very sexy BUT EVEN THEN I'M BETTER THEN MOST!</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Honey why don't you just let it go and ask her out again.</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: yeah your both so slutty you don't even remember who you've slept with,
|
||
you're made for each other.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Interesting. all right I'll go out with her again and try to get past
|
||
it (reaches for the chips) OH SALT BLOATY!</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Joey, Joey.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: What?</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: you don't think sharks are sexy do you?</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: No. (Pause) wait a minute what was the little mermaid?</p>
|
||
<p>(Monica just looks at him, and Rachel wants to laugh)</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Phoebe's at her apartment waiting for Mike Ross comes over]</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: It's open.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Hey!</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: HEY! Mike called were going out again! YAY! YAY! (She dances around
|
||
with happiness)</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: YAY! (He continues the happiness with her by dancing around) quick thing,
|
||
I went to talk to Mike.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: What? Wha-wha-wha-did you do ROSS!</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: oh boy you got mad at that part. I went over there to tell him how great
|
||
you are but you know me BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, and I ended up telling him that.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: WHAT!</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: umm. that you had a six year long relationship with a guy named Vicrum.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: WHAT! WHY?</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: well he seemed to bum hard that you'd never been in a serious relationship.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: (Walks towards Ross) If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend
|
||
I swear to Lucifer a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers RIGHT NOW!</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: well Phoebe, I think you'll feel better when you know a little bit about
|
||
Vicrum, His a Kite designer (He makes a wow face) and he used to date Oprah.
|
||
(He makes another wow face)</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: I'm not going along with some lie you made Ross, No I'm just gonna
|
||
be honest with him.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Good yeah just be honest with him.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: yeah I've nothing to be ashamed of ok so I haven't been in a relationship
|
||
that lasted longer then a month. Ok I haven't had a real boyfriend you know
|
||
if he can't handle that he can leave. which he will and that's ok. so I'll just
|
||
be alone forever you know alright I'll be. it'll be fine. it'll be fine. I'll
|
||
go walking tours with widows and lesbians. Oh (takes a deep breath and sits
|
||
down, knock on the door)</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: I'll get it</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: ok</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: (Ross opens the door) You know I'm trying to think of the last time I
|
||
opened a door and you weren't there, Phoebe are you ok? (She has her hands over
|
||
her mouth)</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: Uh huh yeah (stands up) there's just something umm, there's something
|
||
you should know (Pause) Vicrum just called.</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey is back at Hayley's place after there date]</p>
|
||
<p>Hayley: so it was kind of a shock after 25 years of marriage my parents, a
|
||
perfect couple getting divorced, I kinda took it the hardest cause I was the
|
||
youngest.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Uh huh, sure, yeah. How can you not remember me?</p>
|
||
<p>Hayley: What?</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: How could you not remember that we slept together?</p>
|
||
<p>Hayley: What! When?</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: I dunno!</p>
|
||
<p>Hayley: I really, really think I would remember sleeping with you</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: come on, come on, search your brain all right. it was (thinks) a certain
|
||
amount of time ago, I was here you were here, we had sex (starts pointing out
|
||
the places) here, here, here NOT there. Anything?</p>
|
||
<p>Hayley: no it's not ringing any bells.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: my god woman! How many people do you have to had been with not to remember
|
||
any of this?</p>
|
||
<p>Hayley's roommate: Hey Hayley you've really gotta fix that doorknob. Joey!</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Ooooooooooh, I slept with you! And you obviously remember me Hey! I still
|
||
got it. (Turns back to Hayley) so were good. (She just glares at him) I'll let
|
||
myself out.</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Phoebe is sitting with Mike, explaining about Vicrum]</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: .and I said Vicrum you can't just call every time you get lonely you
|
||
know, you, you gave up that right when you slept with Rachel.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: But Rachel I thought she just had a baby with Ross</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: yeah well (pause) yeah you know Emma's birth certificate might say
|
||
Geller but her eyes say Mookurgee.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: that is so wrong and on top of that his a glue sniffer.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: I know but he call's and my heart goes to him. You know that bastard
|
||
is one smooth talking free lance kite designer.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: I just think there's somebody better out there for you, (pause) I mean
|
||
I'm not saying me but. maybe me.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: Oh.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: and you don't have to worry about glue sniffing with me. although I do
|
||
smell the occasional magic marker, yeah ah anyway I just think I can make you
|
||
happy.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: ok I can't do this.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: what's wrong?</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: well there is no Vicrum, Ross made him up because I never really have
|
||
been in a long-term relationship, I've never lived with a guy, and I've never
|
||
even celebrated an anniversary so. (Pause) if that's too weird for you and you
|
||
wanna leave I totally understand. In fact I'll close my eye's make it less awkward
|
||
(She sits with her eyes closed and Mike kisses her, Phoebe opens her eyes and
|
||
like a little child says.) You kissed me.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: uh huh</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: so you don't think I'm a total freak</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: No. well look can I think your weird and also cool for telling me the
|
||
truth and also wanna kiss you.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: I guess so, can I. can I think it's cool that you kiss me and also
|
||
wanna kiss you again (they get closer to kiss and Phoebe pulls back) and umm,
|
||
be a little concerned about the magic markers.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: Definitely</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: (They kiss and the phone rings and machine picks it up, its Ross putting
|
||
on an accent pretending to be Vicrum) This is Vicrum.</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler arrives home and Monica's got a video of Sharks ready for
|
||
Chandler]</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: Hi honey I'm home!</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Hi, how was your flight? (She hugs him)</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: oh it was great.</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Here why don't you sit down, get yourself comfortable because I. (Monica
|
||
shows him the tape then puts it in) have a little surprise for you.</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: well, well, well it must be five in Tulsa because it's six o clock
|
||
IN NYC!</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Ok (sits down next to him) This is how much I love you. (She presses
|
||
play then puts her arm around Chandler's neck.)</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: (Chandler looking confused) Honey why am I watching a bunch of sharks
|
||
swimming around.</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast forward to something
|
||
a little toothier.</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: no I'm not quite sure you got the right movie that's all.</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Oh well this is the only one they had at our video store, but they
|
||
did have something called crocodile killers. Or does it always have to be sharks?</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: does what always have to be sharks.</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Honey look we can do something else, do you want me to get into the
|
||
tub and thrash.</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: What's going on?</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: sweetie it's ok, I still love you, let me be a part of this.</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: let ME be a part of this!</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: I saw what you were doing in Tulsa. angry sharks turn you on!</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: no they don't</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: then why were you watching them and giving YOURSELF a treat.</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: OH MY GOD! When you came in I switched the channel, I was just watching
|
||
regular porn</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: really?</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: yeah just some good old fashion girl on girl American action.</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: I cannot tell you how happy that makes me! (They hug)</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: You are an amazing wife. (Monica shrugs) No really you're amazing
|
||
you were actually gonna do this for me, I mean where do you find the strength
|
||
and understanding over something like that.</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: I'm very, very drunk right now.</p>
|
||
<p>(They hug, Scene fades to black)</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Phoebe is in central-perk with Joey telling him what Ross said to her
|
||
at the beginning]</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: (looks at a girl walk in) see ordinarily I would talk to her, but my
|
||
confidence is shaken did I sleep with her? Did I not sleep with her? </p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: you know maybe this is a wake up call, about your whole dating attitude.
|
||
Your in your thirty's and you've never had a serious relationship and you have
|
||
never been in a long term relationship, here you go from woman to woman, meaningless
|
||
experience to meaningless experience never even worrying that it doesn't tern
|
||
into anything serious.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: your right! I love my life! (He gets up to go and speak to the girl and
|
||
he turns back and sits down) I actually did sleep with her.<br>
|
||
end<br>
|
||
</p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |