mirror of
https://github.com/bvanroll/startrek-ml.git
synced 2025-08-29 03:52:47 +00:00
1262 lines
41 KiB
HTML
1262 lines
41 KiB
HTML
|
||
<!-- saved from url=(0055)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season2/212toasb.htm -->
|
||
<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
|
||
<title>The One After the Superbowl</title>
|
||
<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
|
||
|
||
<body bgcolor="white" text="black" link="green" vlink="black" alink="yellow" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
|
||
|
||
<h1 align="center">The One After the Superbowl</h1>
|
||
|
||
<hr align="center">
|
||
<font size="3"><i>
|
||
|
||
</i></font><p><font size="3"><i></i>Originally written by Michael Borkow, Mike Sikowitz & Jeffrey Astrof <br>
|
||
Transcribed by </font><a href="http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season2/josh.html">Josh Hodge</a><font size="3"><br>
|
||
Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.</font><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
{Transcriber’s Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the first
|
||
part of this episode is episode 212. The second part of this episode is episode 213. Since
|
||
episodes 212 and 213 are combined into one file, that’s why there is no episode 213
|
||
in the season 2 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 212 to 214.}</p>
|
||
|
||
<hr>
|
||
<font size="3">
|
||
|
||
</font><p align="left"><font size="3"><b>[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and
|
||
Rachel's.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<i>[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on
|
||
his desk. The guy looks dejected.]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth...<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on
|
||
the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: ...With MonkeyShine Beer. [MonkeyShine theme] MonkeyShine Beer,
|
||
'cause it's a jungle out there.]</i><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: That commercial always makes me so sad.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything
|
||
seems to work out OK.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the
|
||
little pouty chin.<br>
|
||
MONICA: And the fact that they're both monkeys.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a
|
||
Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd
|
||
be little monkey raisins in it.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. .
|
||
. all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<font size="4"><b>OPENING TITLES</b></font> <br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.]</b> <br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Joey enters holding a letter]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Rhythm?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: No, my first fan mail.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ALL: Alright!<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: [reading] 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have
|
||
you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please
|
||
find 14 of my eyelashes.'<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: This wasn't addressed to <i>Days of Our Lives</i>, this is, this came to your
|
||
apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Oh my god, I got my very own stalker.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Ross enters with a suitcase]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Hey guys.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ALL: Hey.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' Jake?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then
|
||
drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh,
|
||
you know, isn't capable of that emotion.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Rob (Chris Isaac) enters]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's
|
||
really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Everyone laughs]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: I know, I know. [to Rob] Hello.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROB: Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Hi Rob Dohnen.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROB: I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really, really great.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Oh, wow.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROB: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was
|
||
just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs
|
||
that I will write for them.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the
|
||
kitchen.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[door buzzer goes off]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Hello.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: It's Erica.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Ah, the stalker.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: Never mind, it's open.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: [Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We
|
||
might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Let's get out of here.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel's door]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: The one time they're not home.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me
|
||
'cause we've never met.<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: That's how radio stars escape stalkers.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: She's comin'.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the door.]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: It's me.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler
|
||
squeezed the dish soap in the air.]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: Hi.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Erica.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
LIPSON: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan,
|
||
answers to the name Marcel.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
LIPSON: Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Oh my God, what happened?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
LIPSON: Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then
|
||
he died.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: I can't believe this.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
LIPSON: I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.'
|
||
It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Well, ya know, someone should have called me.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
LIPSON: I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just a gesture.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Zoo dollars?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
LIPSON: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter
|
||
if your monkey hasn't just died.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and
|
||
Rachel are there.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Phoebe pulls out her guitar]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
KIDS: Ooohhh.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: I know.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in <i>Misery</i>?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL AND MONICA: Yeah.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: And she's not crazy?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr.
|
||
Drake Remore.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Oh my God.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Ah, and I mean, he's going out with her? He can not persue this.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the
|
||
magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not
|
||
deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one
|
||
who wants to boff the maniac.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROB: You OK?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture
|
||
them all in their underwear.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROB: That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just,
|
||
grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This
|
||
is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: I was thinkin' about it.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: OK. [they kiss] OK, alrighty, let's play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ALL: Hi Phoebe.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing]<br>
|
||
<i>Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes,<br>
|
||
she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.<br>
|
||
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,<br>
|
||
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.<br>
|
||
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,<br>
|
||
but the truth is she died and some day you will too.<br>
|
||
La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...</i><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are dining.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Yeah it is. . . what?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching
|
||
someone's spinal cord.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours,
|
||
but they only showed it for 2 minites.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: Who's they?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: No one.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these
|
||
beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Good, otherwise my watch would fall off. [laughs hysterically]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to
|
||
be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Alright, just one. [she licks his hands rather emphatically] Wow, you're good at
|
||
that.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Some guy at another table starts choking]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
WAITER: Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is anyone here a doctor?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men <i>that</i> way. But, um,
|
||
zoo dollars?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JANITOR: It's about your monkey. It's alive.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Restraunt. Joey and Erica are still there.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: I don't understand, why didn't you help that man?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal
|
||
chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain
|
||
yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: But that's what...<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: I should just be happy to be near you.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: Hey what?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand]
|
||
Hey. He-hey.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Library. Phoebe is singing.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: [singing] <i>There'll be times when you get older<br>
|
||
when you'll want to sleep with people<br>
|
||
just to make them like you. . .<br>
|
||
But don't.<br>
|
||
Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody<br>
|
||
That's another thing that you don't wanna do.</i><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Excellent!<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Very informative!<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Not at all inappropriate!<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROB: That was great, the kids loved you.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Yay, I rock.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROB: And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the
|
||
truth.You were incredible.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: But.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROB: How did you know there was a but?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: I sense these things. It was either but or butter.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROB: The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play
|
||
more songs about like, barnyard animals.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: I can do that.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROB: Really?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Yeah.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROB: Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Thinkin' about it.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JANITOR: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged
|
||
messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Buddy, my monkey?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JANITOR: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey
|
||
was taken.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JANITOR: The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JANITOR: Of course they're gonna say he's dead. They don't want the bad publicity. It's
|
||
all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: That guy Lipson?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JANITOR: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: No, I, I only know Lipson.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JANITOR: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down
|
||
denizen of the night, taunting gravity with...<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Buddy, my monkey, my monkey.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JANITOR: Word on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets
|
||
they have here at the zoo.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Of course.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JANITOR: Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: This is unbelievable.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JANITOR: So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Are you trying to get me to bribe you?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JANITOR: Maybe.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: But you already told me everything.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Library. Ross show up with a MonkeyShine Beer poster.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Well, so what're you gonna do?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: OK, hi again.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ALL: Hi Phoebe.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.<br>
|
||
[singing] <i>Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,<br>
|
||
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.<br>
|
||
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,<br>
|
||
And that's how we get hamburgers.<br>
|
||
Nooowww, chickens!</i><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching <i>Days
|
||
of Our Lives</i>.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<i>TV DOCTOR: You're the only one who can save her Drake.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY ON TV: Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God.</i><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Well, there goes my whole belief system.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[knock at the door]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: It's Erica.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Hey Erica, c'mon in.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Who?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: It's not what you think, that was...<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Alright look, that's it. I don't think we should see each other anymore, alright.
|
||
Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK.
|
||
I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Somebody wanna help me out here?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: How, how can you be here and there.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: 'Cause it's a television show.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: Drake, what're you getting at?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: I'm not Drake.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: Is this true?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to,
|
||
to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his
|
||
face]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: Is all this true?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with
|
||
the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy
|
||
for you.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: Oh Hans. [They kiss]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ERICA: I'll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: OK, alright, the people who threw the water.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Fired! Why?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROB: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in
|
||
your songs.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROB: No.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: I see.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROB: Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple
|
||
dinosaur?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROB: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Who's Barney.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right
|
||
here in New York filming <i>Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan</i>.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: You're kidding.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: This is amazing.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: I know.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's makin' movies.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, I'm ready.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: OK.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[little kid enters]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
KID: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Um, yeah I guess that's me.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
KID: [shouting out the door] She's here.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[a rush of kids enter]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: [singing] <i>Sometimes men love women,<br>
|
||
sometimes men love men,<br>
|
||
and then there are bisexuals,<br>
|
||
though some just say they're kidding themselves.<br>
|
||
la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la...</i><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one
|
||
joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SECURITY GUARD: C'mon people, back up please, back up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry guys, closed set.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used
|
||
to live together.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Ross, there he is.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts singing] <i>In
|
||
the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight.</i> [no reaction from Marcel,
|
||
Monica and Joey urge him on] <i>In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight.</i>
|
||
[Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] <i>a-weema-way, a-weema-way.....</i> [Marcel
|
||
runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: The next time at the movie set.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SECURITY GUARD: Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh...<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante.
|
||
[Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Woah, dude, burn.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: I don't get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
TRAINER: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a
|
||
movie and all.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Now just how big of a star is Marcel?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
TRAINER: In human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ALL: Woah.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are
|
||
you just really paranoid.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready for the subway
|
||
set?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: The one in the director's chair.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: OK. Um, how come I'm walking with you?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so that we can get away from the <b>horrible
|
||
flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me.</b> Is he lookin', is he
|
||
lookin'?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: We've got a problem.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Tell me.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Is it bad?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to
|
||
let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I'll talk to her.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: I hate actors.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: [to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost
|
||
didn't see ya.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Excuse me.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Ahhhh.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Uh, is your name Chandler?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Uh, yes, yes it is.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Chandler Bing?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal
|
||
crackers like a purse. <br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little
|
||
mirrors on it.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw
|
||
my underpants.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do
|
||
that anymore.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: What what what what?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Ya think?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see <i>Time Cop</i>?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: No, was he any good in it?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Rachel, he like, totally changed time.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Wow, so why don't you go talk to him?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Oh, yeah.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst
|
||
that could happen?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: He could hear me.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: OK, I'm doin' it for ya.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Oh Rachel don't, don't you dare, don't, <b>don't</b>. Tell him I cook.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Excuse me. Hi.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
VAN DAMME: Hi.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by
|
||
the way, um, she thinks you're cute.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
VAN DAMME: You don't think I'm cute?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the
|
||
track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So
|
||
what should I tell her?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
VAN DAMME: You can tell her I think her friend is cute.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[back to Chandler and Susie]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was
|
||
the guy who had no elbows.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[a voice in the background calls for makeup]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Oh that's me, I gotta go.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Oh uh, o, OK.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you
|
||
ask me on a date.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Well, uh, let's try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see
|
||
your underwear.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: No one was around to hear that?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[back to Rachel and Monica]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: So what'd he say?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean,
|
||
naturally, you know, I said no.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Well, thanks anyway.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to
|
||
me but if that's what you want to do...<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Jean-Claude she said yes, I'll see you tonight. Thank you.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out
|
||
with Drew Barrymore.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Does anybody need anything?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll
|
||
probably end up drinking it yourself.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: That is so unfair.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van
|
||
Damme.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Ross enters]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's
|
||
gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: You're blowin' me off for a monkey?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Chandler enters]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Stick a fork what?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Like, when you're cooking a steak.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: OK, then, eat me, I'm done.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling
|
||
around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an
|
||
elevator?'<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: What did you say?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know
|
||
what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Oh, you just know.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take
|
||
more that 2, 3 minutes tops.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three
|
||
of us in there.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at
|
||
dinner.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: You want me to wear your panties?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Could ya?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . .
|
||
You're swell.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joey is there.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite
|
||
dish, banannacake.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Oooh.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: With mealworms.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya thinks gonna happen here tonight?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[phone rings]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a
|
||
monkey's gotta work. No it, it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything special
|
||
planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other.
|
||
Phoebe is mediating.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, why don't you start talking first.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces
|
||
behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see
|
||
you in the TV set?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share...<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: You sold me out.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: I did not sell you out.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Yes you did. Absolutely.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Did you just flick me?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow.
|
||
That hurt [flicks Monica]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Quit flicking [flicks]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Ow, you stop flicking.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: You flicked me first.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to
|
||
wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts".
|
||
Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow. Ow. Ow.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Uh-huh.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: You want me to just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead?
|
||
That's what you want?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: OK.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Oh that's what you want.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Yes.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Fine.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Fine,<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my
|
||
bitches.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director's
|
||
Assistant are there.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Thanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Forget about it.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: How you doin there squirmy?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a
|
||
ton of cool responsibilities.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do with casting.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: So what're you guys gonna eat?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all
|
||
over?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: I want you right here, right now.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie
|
||
grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: C'mon.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: I can't believe we're doing this.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Alright mister, let's see those panties.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Alrighty. [we see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall door]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: What?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Oh.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes
|
||
off.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the
|
||
specials.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: C'mon hurry, hurry.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: OK.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: This is for the fourth grade.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Huh? Where, whaddya mean?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that's what
|
||
I mean.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: What, what's what you mean?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants 'till I was 18.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
SUSIE: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about
|
||
this. [she leaves with his clothes]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Alright, I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: I can't believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching <i>Sudden Death</i>,
|
||
now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? [he nods] Can you
|
||
beat up that guy?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
VAN DAMME: Sure.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to
|
||
go on a blind date.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
VAN DAMME: Normally, I would not do it.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Well, what made you make the exception for me?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
VAN DAMME: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh,
|
||
Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and...<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Back at Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are now fighting about what Rachel
|
||
told Van Damme.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Say you're sorry.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: No. [hitting each other]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Say it.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: No. [hitting again]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Rachel, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Say you're sorry.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce
|
||
and Monica's purse]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: What're you gonna do?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: You don't have the guts.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was
|
||
cute.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's
|
||
purse]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, <b>STOP THE MADNESS</b>. This is crazy. Who can even remember
|
||
why this even started in the first place?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at
|
||
yourselves.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: I'll help you fix your sweater.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: I'll help you throw out your purse.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves [pulls Rachel's gloves out of her purse]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in
|
||
to go to the bathroom.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Joey?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Ma?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Joey!<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Are you naked in there?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone
|
||
walks off with your clothes.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Well, let me see.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah,
|
||
someone's flossing.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: [to Joey who's looking over a toilet stall] Joey, some people don't like that.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Chandler's wearing panties.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: No, no, you don't have to see.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Hi Tushie.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Alright, one of you give me your underpants.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: How can you not be wearing any underwear?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Some guy has entered.]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ALL: Hi.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall
|
||
door in front of him, and leaves.]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: I'm almost done with it, keep your panties on.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Joey enters]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: What happened?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying
|
||
on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there
|
||
and say goodbye.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff.
|
||
But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: [sees Marcel at the window] Oh my God.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: What?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel
|
||
and Ross having fun in the city.]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
VAN DAMME: [to Rachel] I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, [to Monica] or you
|
||
and me. Drew was very disappointed.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: OK, well, bye. [kisses him]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
VAN DAMME: Goodbye.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: Well, bye for me too. [kisses him]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: OK, well, bye-bye again. [kisses him again]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: OK.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
VAN DAMME: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . .<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA AND RACHEL: Oh, no no no no no.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
VAN DAMME: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA AND RACHEL: No no no no.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Impressive.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA: But no. Maybe if I were baking.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
MONICA AND RACHEL: Bye-bye.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: City street. Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
ROSS: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss
|
||
you buddy.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[Marcel is driven off in a limo]<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
RACHEL: Oh yeah.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I
|
||
borrow your G-string?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
CHANDLER: How long you been waitin' to say that?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
PHOEBE: About 20 minutes. <font size="4"><b>CLOSING CREDITS</b></font> <br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>[Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking
|
||
over him.]</b><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<i>VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.</i><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
DIRECTOR: Cut.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<i>VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.</i><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
DIRECTOR: Cut.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<i>VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy</i><br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
DIRECTOR: Cut.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<i>VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dead.</i></font></p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>END</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<hr>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><!--webbot bot="ImageMap" startspan
|
||
rectangle=" (139,0) (197, 84) http://thecfsi.com/season2/214towpv.htm"
|
||
rectangle=" (71,2) (129, 84) http://thecfsi.com/season2.htm"
|
||
rectangle=" (0,1) (57, 80) http://thecfsi.com/season2/211towlw.htm" src="contrl08.gif"
|
||
width="194" height="60" alt="contrl08.gif (14783 bytes)" --><map name="FrontPageMap0"><area shape="RECT" coords="139, 0, 197, 84" href="http://thecfsi.com/season2/214towpv.htm"><area shape="RECT" coords="71, 2, 129, 84" href="http://thecfsi.com/season2.htm"><area shape="RECT" coords="0, 1, 57, 80" href="http://thecfsi.com/season2/211towlw.htm"></map><img src="file:///D:/Friends%20Script%20Index/Season2/contrl08.gif" width="194" height="60" alt="contrl08.gif (14783 bytes)" usemap="#FrontPageMap0"><!--webbot bot="ImageMap"
|
||
i-checksum="20143" endspan --></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |