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<title>The One Where Chandler Can’t Cry</title>
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<h1 align="center">The One Where Chandler Can’t Cry</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still looking out the window as Joey enters.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (sees Rachel) Oh, uh, hey Rach. I uh, I was just coming over here to
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uh… Oh wait, I don’t have to lie to you, you don’t live here anymore. Uh,
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I’m eating their food. What are you doing?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross is on a date with my sister and they shut the drapes two and
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a-half-hours ago.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Whoa, I didn’t know we could date your sister!</p>
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<p>(Chandler and Monica enter from their room and Joey quickly hides the bag of potato
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chips behind his back.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Joey we know you steal our food.</p>
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<p>(Joey offers them some potato chips.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’m good.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (To Rachel) Oh, are the drapes still closed hon?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah. And y’know who should’ve shut their drapes? Is that
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perverted old couple two doors over.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (looking) Is that a swing?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh don’t even ask!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yuck!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I can’t believe Ross went out with Rachel’s sister! When
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Chandler made out with my sister I was mad at him for 10 years.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> That was like 5 years ago.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah you got 5 years left!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Joey…</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> You wanna make it 6?!</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is on the couch reading as Rachel enters. It’s the next
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day.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh Ross, hi! Hey, how are ya? There you are!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (to Gunther) I’ll take a coffee. (To Ross) So how was your big date
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last night?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Uhh, it was okay. Yeah, it was fun.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah fun? Great! So uh, so did you guys hit it off?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I guess so.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> So uh, so did anything happen? Because <b>rumor</b> has it you guys shut
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the drapes!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No. No. Nothing happened. I shut the drapes to uh, show her slides of my
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favorite fossils.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, slides. (Laughs.) So <b>really</b> nothing happened.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Something could’ve happened. All right? She-she really dug my slides.
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And-and she was definitely giving me the vibe.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Right. Was it the, "Please don’t show me another picture of a
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trilobite vibe?"</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Anyway, if she, if she wasn’t in to me, why-why would she ask me out
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again?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> She asked-asked you out again?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah-uh-huh. Tomorrow night, Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day
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of the year. Who knows what could happen? I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my
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slides, if you know what I mean.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay! I got it! I got it! I got it! I
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can’t! I can’t! I can’t! I cannot go with you and my sister thing. Okay? I
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just can’t. It’s just too weird, all right? I imagine the two of you together
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and I freak out. It freaks me out. I can’t do it! I can’t do it.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (while Rachel is finishing her rant) Okay! Okay! Okay! It’s okay.
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(Rachel stops.) It’s okay. Hey, it’s too weird for you, I won’t see her
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again.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Thank you. I…yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I mean after tomorrow night.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No-no-no! No-no-no! Please Ross, I can’t! I can’t do it!
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(Starts to freak out.) It’s just gonna freak me out!!!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay! Okay! Ooh-hey-hey-hey! Okay! Okay! Okay! I’ll-I’ll tell
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her tonight I can’t see her anymore.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross thanks.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You want me to call her right now?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh no! No! No-no-no-no! No, I mean come on that’s-that’s
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crazy—I mean that’s crazy. So what’s-what’s going on with you? What is
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going on with you?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well umm, oh! I might be teaching another class this semester!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah do it now, call right now.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are watching <i>ET</i>.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (crying) This is my favorite part.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (crying) Yeah me too.</p>
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<p>(We see the TV and it’s the last scene where ET is saying goodbye.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh y’know what’s sadder than this? <i>Bambi</i>. I cried for
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three days with that movie. No wait two! Because on the third day my mother killed herself
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so I was partly crying for that.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (totally not crying) Well see now that I can see crying over, but <i>Bambi</i>
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is a cartoon!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (crying) You didn’t cry when Bambi’s mother died?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped <b>drawing</b> the deer!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Chandler there’s nothing wrong with crying! I mean you don’t
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have to be so macho all the time.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’m not macho.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, I guess I just never really cried. Y’know? I’m not a
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crying kind of guy.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Come on man there’s gotta be something that gets you choked up! Like
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uh, uh oh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’d be sad sure, but I wouldn’t cry.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay, what if the puppy said, "Help me Chandler. All the other
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puppies pick on me."</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Cry?! I just found a talking puppy, I’m rich!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, I’ve got it! I have got it! (Gets up and gets something from
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the dresser underneath the TV.) Pictures from your childhood. This will get you going
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good!</p>
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<p>(Chandler starts paging through the album.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right, what’s going on there? (Points to a picture.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, that’s Parent’s Day, first grade. That’s me with
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the janitor Martin.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Where were your parents?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh they didn’t want to come!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh Chandler!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Poor thing!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> So that story doesn’t make you cry?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No! Look, I don’t cry! It’s not a big deal! Okay?!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No! It’s not okay! It’s not okay at all!! You’re dead
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inside!!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is putting away her guitar as a man approaches.]</p>
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<p><b>The Fan:</b> Excuse me.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah?</p>
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<p><b>The Fan:</b> Are you Phoebe Buffay?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>The Fan:</b> Can-can I get your autograph, I’m your biggest fan. (Holds out a
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napkin and a pen.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh you’re my biggest fan? I’ve always wanted to meet you! Hi!
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(Shakes his hand.) Sure! Yeah! (Signs the autograph)</p>
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<p><b>The Fan:</b> Wow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna say, I think you’re really
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talented.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You’re just saying that because you’re my biggest fan. (The
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fan leaves and Joey approaches.) (To Joey) Joey listen, take good care of that guy, okay?
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(Points) He’s a fan. (To the fan as she’s leaving) Bye! (Exits)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (to the fan) So, you saw me on <i>Days Of Our Lives</i> huh? Want me to,
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want me to do a little Dr. Drake Remoray for ya?</p>
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<p><b>The Fan:</b> I have no idea what you’re talking about. But I, but I just got
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Phoebe Buffay’s autograph!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, you’re Phoebe’s fan!</p>
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<p><b>The Fan:</b> Oh yeah! I’ve seen all her movies.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Movies?</p>
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<p><b>The Fan:</b> That was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (laughs) I don’t think so.</p>
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<p><b>The Fan:</b> No-no, it was! She was in Sex Toy Story 2, Lawrence of Alabia, and I
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got her autograph! The guys at the comic book store aren’t gonna believe this!
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(Exits.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey Gunther, don’t let that guy in here anymore! He just said
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Phoebe’s a porn star!</p>
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<p><b>Gunther:</b> Well, I wouldn’t call her a star, but she’s really good. You
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should check out Inspecther Gadget.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse, Rachel is at the counter as Jill enters.]</p>
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<p><b>Jill:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Jill:</b> You’ll never believe what just happened, Ross just totally blew me
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off and he didn’t even tell me why!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohhh well. Y’know what honey? The best thing to do to get over a
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guy is to start dating someone else. Oh! There is this great guy you will love at work
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named Bob! He’s a real up-and-comer in Human Resources.</p>
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<p><b>Jill:</b> Y’know, thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I’m not gonna date
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some random guy from your work.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> It’s not random, it’s Bob.</p>
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<p><b>Jill:</b> It’s probably because not mature enough. Or smart enough. Maybe he
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doesn’t like the way I dress—No that can’t be it. It’s really gotta be
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the smart thing. Oh I’m <b>so</b> stupid! I’m just like this incredibly pretty
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stupid girl!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No honey, okay, okay, you wanna know why Ross canceled the date? Because
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I asked him to.</p>
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<p><b>Jill:</b> You asked him too?!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hm-mmm.</p>
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<p><b>Jill:</b> Why?!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Because you are my sister and Ross and I have this huge history…</p>
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<p><b>Jill:</b> I don’t understand, do you want to go out with Ross?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No.</p>
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<p><b>Jill:</b> You don’t want him, but you don’t want me to have him?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (changing the subject) Y’know Bob in Human Resources…</p>
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<p><b>Jill:</b> Ugh! I cannot believe you did this too me! You had me doubting how smart I
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was! (Gasps) You had me doubting my fashion sense!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Look, this is not that big of a deal! You just don’t date Ross!
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There’s a million other guys out there, you just…</p>
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<p><b>Jill:</b> Hey! You have no right to tell me what to do.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’m not telling you what to do! I am telling you what <b>not</b> to
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do!</p>
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<p><b>Jill:</b> Why are you so jealous of me?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Jill this is not about me being jealous of you! This is about you being
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a brat! Wanting what you can’t have!</p>
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<p><b>Jill:</b> Can’t have?! Excuse me, the only thing I can’t have is <b>dairy</b>!
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(Starts to storm out.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> All right, all right, well you just blew your chances at dating Bob!</p>
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<p><b>Jill:</b> Who?!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> <b>In Human Resources</b>!!!!!!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is ranting about Jill to Chandler and Monica.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> …I am jealous of her?! I mean who does she think she is?! Princess
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Caroline?!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You’re jealous of Princess Caroline?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Do I have my own castle?</p>
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<p>(Joey and Ross enter.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey! Uh, Phoebe’s not here is she?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (noticing the bag Joey’s carrying) Oh great! Did you get a movie?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Uhhh, yeah. Yeah. But uh, I don’t think it’s the kind
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you’re gonna like.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You didn’t get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for
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the tissues all night did you?</p>
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<p>(Joey and Ross exchange looks.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Sort of…</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Guys, what’s going on?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (holds up the movie) Phoebe’s a porn star!</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> What?!!</p>
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<p>(They all run over to Joey and Ross, Chandler grabs the movie and reads the title.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Phoebe Buffay in Buffay: The Vampire Layer.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my God!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> That’s Phoebe! Where did you get that?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Well down at the adult video place down on Bleaker.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> And-and I, and I saw that Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of
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him to-to surprise him and, and then I pretended I didn’t know he was in there. (They
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all kinda look at him.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow! I mean, I just—I can’t, I can’t believe this.
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Y’know, I mean you think you know someone even, even Phoebe who’s always been
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somewhat of a question mark.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> This is so bizarre. I guess it kinda makes sense though, y’know she
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had such a terrible childhood.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I don’t do porn.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yes, but you are dead inside.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right well, I’d better take that back.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Wh-what, why?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> We can’t watch that! I mean that’s Phoebe!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah you’re right, we can’t—we shouldn’t watch this.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Absolutely not.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (hands the tape back to Joey, but doesn’t let him grab it)
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Y’know maybe a little bit!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Probably just the first half.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No! Hey no! This is wrong you guys! Phoebe’s our friend! Well,
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I’m not gonna watch it!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah! Good for you Joe!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p>(Ross stands next to him for a second, then goes and watches the movie.)</p>
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<p>(The movie starts, it’s a vampire’s lair and Buffay, The Vampire Layer enters
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dressed in leather and carrying a wooden stake. Suddenly, the vampire opens his coffin and
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sits up.</p>
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<p><b>Buffay, the Vampire Layer:</b> Ah, I thought I’d find you here, Nasforatool.</p>
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<p><b>The Vampire:</b> Buffay, are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places?</p>
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<p><b>Buffay, the Vampire Layer:</b> Actually, I was kinda hoping it would be the other
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way around.</p>
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<p>(At this point, Buffay, the Vampire Layer and Nasforatool start to get it on. Of
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course, since this is network TV, we can only see the reactions of the gang to the film
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playing off screen.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hold on a second! What is that on her ankle?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Her ankle is what you’re watching?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well it’s hard to tell… (Rachel gets up to get a closer look,
|
||
only she’s having some trouble.) Oh God, if she would just stop moving.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> She’s just doing her job!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the TV) You sick bastards!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, it’s a tattoo! That’s weird, Phoebe doesn’t…
|
||
Wait that’s Ursula! That’s not Phoebe that is Ursula!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Upon hearing this, Joey can’t turn his chair around fast enough and knocks it
|
||
over.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Re! Re! Then I can watch that! Rewind it! Rewind it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (entering) Hey! What’s up? (Sees the TV) Oh my God! What am I
|
||
doing?!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is reading <i>Chicken Soup for the Soul</i> as
|
||
Monica enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey sweetie!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey! (He quickly tries to hide the book by throwing it under the
|
||
couch, only the couch has no back and it slides into the kitchen.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (picking up the book) <i>Chicken Soup for the Soul</i>? </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> There’s no back to this couch!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Why are you reading this? You hate this kind of stuff.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah I know, but I figured a shot y’know? Maybe one of those
|
||
stories would make me cry and then you wouldn’t think I was y’know, all dead
|
||
inside.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh that’s so sweet! Look Chandler I don’t care if you
|
||
can’t cry, I love you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Stop it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married,
|
||
we’re up at the altar and I’m like this. (Makes a bored face.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I won’t care, because I know you will be feeling it all in here.
|
||
(Points to her heart.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah! And if, and if we have a baby one-day, and the doctor hands it to
|
||
you in the delivery room and you don’t cry, so what! And-and-and, and if we take him
|
||
to college and come home and see his empty room for the first time, and you got nothing,
|
||
it won’t matter to me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, well I won’t uh, worry about this anymore then.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> And-and-and if I die, from a long illness. And you’re writing out
|
||
my eulogy and you open a desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will
|
||
always be with you," and you still can’t shed one tiny tear, I know you’ll
|
||
be crying a river inside.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Aww, I love you so…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What is wrong with you?!!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What?! You can’t shed a tear for your dead wife!! Now, I left you a
|
||
note from the beyond!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> So you didn’t mean any of that?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No you robot!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross's apartment, his doorbell is ringing and he’s running to answer it
|
||
while doing up his pants.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You damn kids! You ring my bell one more time, I swear to… (Opens the
|
||
door to find Jill standing there.) Ohh, uh Jill. Umm, that-that’s just a little game
|
||
I play with the kids down the hall. Umm, they’ve really taken a liking to me.
|
||
(Quickly looks out to see if they’re watching.) Uhh
|
||
what’s-what’s-what’s the matter?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jill:</b> Rachel and I had a really big fight, can I come in? I-I mean I know
|
||
we’re not supposed to see each other anymore and I’m okay with that, it’s
|
||
just that I don’t know anybody in the city and I really need somebody to talk to
|
||
about it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Of course, what happened? (Lets her in.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jill:</b> (entering) I don’t want to talk about it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, umm…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jill:</b> But you know what might really cheer me up?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jill:</b> Seeing some more of your super-cool slides.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Wow! Really?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jill:</b> Totally, I love them! And, maybe you could finish telling me about all the
|
||
different kinds of sand.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, I’d love to! Here, you wait right here and I’ll go get the
|
||
projector and my notes!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jill:</b> Oh great! Thanks Ross, you’re such a good friend!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Ohh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(He goes into another room to get his projector and notes. While he’s gone, Jill
|
||
quickly checks her makeup.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to Monica and Chandler’s, Rachel is entering.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey! Have you guys seen Jill? I can’t find her anywhere.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No, I haven’t.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, is Ross home? Maybe I’ll just call him to see if he’s
|
||
actually seen her. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(She goes to look out the window at Ross’s apartment and sees Jill staring at her
|
||
and closing the drapes with an evil look on her face. Rachel is stunned into silence.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ursula’s apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new
|
||
porn career.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ursula:</b> Who is it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> It’s Phoebe! Phoebe!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ursula:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (seeing her dress) Oh God. So-so you’re making porn movies.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ursula:</b> No I’m not.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Someone calls out from her apartment.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Man’s Voice:</strong> We’re still rolling!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You’re making one right now!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Another Man’s Voice:</strong> Let’s go Phoebe!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> And-<b>and</b> you’re using my name!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ursula:</b> Yeah, can I help you with something?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Same Man’s Voice:</strong> Phoebe, come on!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Look, I’m talking right now! You’re—you mean her.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ursula:</b> Y’know, twin stuff is always a real big seller.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ursula:</b> Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No!! No way! No! And stop using my name! And shame on you! (Yells into
|
||
the apartment) And shame on all of you! You’re disgusting! Especially you (points to
|
||
someone) with that! (Storms away.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is setting up for the slide show.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Slides are almost ready.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jill:</b> Yeah. Ooh, I know what this is missing! Alcohol!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh okay, well there’s-there’s wine in the kitchen.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jill:</b> Oh great! (Goes to get it as the phone rings.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (answering it) Hello?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (on phone) <b>What</b> is my sister doing there?! And <b>why</b> are the
|
||
drapes shut?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> O-okay, Rach calm-calm down, okay? She-she’s really upset we’re
|
||
just talking.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross! I think she is trying to make something happen with you to get
|
||
back at me!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> So that’s the only reason she could be here huh? It couldn’t
|
||
have anything to do with the fact that-that maybe I’m a good listener and I uh I put
|
||
on a <b>great</b> slide show!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross, I am telling you that she is using you to get back at me!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Y’know what? I think I can take care of myself, I’ll talk to you
|
||
later. Good-bye. (Hangs up the phone and turns to find Jill sitting really close to him.)
|
||
Whoa! Uh, that was your sister actually. She-she thinks that you’re just using me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jill:</b> So? (Kisses him passionately.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a paper as Phoebe enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh no, not you too!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No! No! I just went to pick up Phoebe Buffay’s checks; there were a
|
||
lot of them.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Nice!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Um-mmm, <b>and</b> I won’t have to go there anymore because I gave
|
||
them my correct address.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> That’s great, but isn’t it gonna bother that people still think
|
||
you’re a porn star?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh no! No! I know how to handle it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> You do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah. (She notices some guy putting a coat on his girlfriend is trying
|
||
to remember where he’s seen her before.) (To him) You’re trying to figure out
|
||
where you know me from? All right, I’ll give you a hint. From porn! Okay? (He tries
|
||
to rush his girlfriend out.) Yeah your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie! (To
|
||
Joey) See?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time lapse, Ross is entering. Chandler and Monica are at
|
||
the kitchen table. Rachel is on the couch reading.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (To Rachel) You uh, you may have been right about Jill.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh! I knew it! What happened?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Umm, she kissed me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?! You kissed!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Monica) Maybe we should give them some privacy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (To Chandler) Shhhh!!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look, I uh, I tried not to kiss her, okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, it doesn’t sound like it! I mean, it’s pretty easy not
|
||
to kiss someone, you just don’t kiss them! See look at us, right now, not kissing!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Let me finish, okay? She started kissing me and-and I didn’t stop it.
|
||
I guess I-I just wasn’t thinking…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah that’s right you weren’t thinking! Y’know what? Let
|
||
me give you something to think about! (She pulls up her sleeves and steps towards him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh wait—hold it! But then I started thinking and I stopped the
|
||
kissing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, well thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister’s mouth
|
||
long enough to tell me that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look I-I realize if anything were to happen with me and Jill then nothing
|
||
could ever happen with us!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No, I mean, look I don’t know if anything is going to happen with us,
|
||
again. Ever. But I don’t want to know that it-it never could. So I stopped it and she
|
||
got mad and broke my projector.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow. I, I don’t even know what to say. Thank you. (Gently kicks
|
||
him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You’re welcome. (Gently kicks her back.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Chandler starts crying.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God! Are-are you crying?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (crying hysterically) I just don’t see why those two can’t
|
||
work things out!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Ending Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Jill enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jill:</b> All right, I’m leaving! Because I’m not going to spend one more
|
||
day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That’s you Rachel!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, I got that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jill:</b> (To Ross) And you! I throw myself at you and you say no, how gay are you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You take care Jill.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jill:</b> (happily) Okay, see ya! (Exits.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Bye-bye-e!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Bye.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (starts crying) I-I can’t believe Jill’s gone. (They all
|
||
look at him.) I can’t help it, I opened a gate.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |