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<!-- saved from url=(0055)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season1/101pilot.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<title>The One Where Monica Gets a New Roomate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)</title>
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<body bgcolor="white" text="black" link="green" vlink="black" alink="yellow" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)</h1>
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<hr align="center">
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<font size="3">
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</font><p><font size="3">Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane</font><br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:shadelet@easynet.co.uk">guineapig</a><br>
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Additional transcribing by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a><br>
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(Note: The previously unseen parts of this episode are shown in <font color="#0000FF">blue</font><font color="#000000"> text.)</font></p>
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<hr>
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<font size="3"><b>
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</b></font><p align="left"><font size="3"><b></b>[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy
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I work with!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's
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gotta be something wrong with him!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> <font color="#0000FF">All right Joey, be
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nice. </font>So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Phoebe:</b> Wait, does he eat chalk?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3">(They all stare, bemused.)</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Phoebe:</b> Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through
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what I went through with Carl- oh!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a
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date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> Sounds like a date to me.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3">[Time Lapse]</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm
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standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><strong>All:</strong> Oh, yeah. Had that dream.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> Then I look down, and I realize there's a
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phone... there.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> Instead of...?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> That's right.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> Never had that dream.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Phoebe:</b> No.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring.
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<font color="#0000FF">Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me. </font></font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Monica:</b> And they weren't looking at
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you before?!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><font color="#0000FF"><b>Chandler:</b> Finally, I figure
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I'd better answer it, </font><font color="#000000">a</font>nd it turns out it's my mother,
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which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3">[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> (mortified) Hi.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Are you okay, sweetie?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> I just feel like someone reached down my
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throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my
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neck...</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> Cookie?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> (explaining to the others) Carol moved her
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stuff out today. </font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Joey:</b> Ohh.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><font color="#000000"><b>Monica:</b></font><font color="#0000FF"> </font>(to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Ross:</b> Thanks.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Phoebe:</b> Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air
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just in front of Ross.)</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just
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leave my aura alone, okay?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Phoebe:</b> Fine! Be murky!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><font color="#000000"><b>Ross:</b> </font>I'll be fine,
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alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> No you don't.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> And you never knew she was a lesbian...</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on
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that? She didn't know, how should I know?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They
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all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Ross:</b> I told mom and dad last night,
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they seemed to take it pretty well.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Monica:</b> Oh really, so that
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hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have
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grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what? A wrong number?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Ross:</b> Sorry.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of
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pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3">(Ross gestures his consent.)</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some
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hormones!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I
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just- I just wanna be married again!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3">(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search
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the room.)</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> And I just want a million dollars! (He
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extends his hand hopefully.)</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Rachel?!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to
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your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be
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here and you are, you are!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><strong>Waitress:</strong> Can I get you some coffee?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay,
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everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody,
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this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross? </font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Hi, sure!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> Hi. </font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3">(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits
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back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others
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expect her to explain.)</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting
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for four wet bridesmaids?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Oh God... well, it started about a half hour
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before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was
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looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden-
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(to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned
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on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it
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hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked
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familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I
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doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where
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to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I
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knew who lived here in the city.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Who wasn't invited to the wedding.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an
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issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV
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and are trying to figure out what is going on.]</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big
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pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it. </font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Chandler:</b> (imitating the characters)
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Tuna or egg salad? Decide!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Ross:</b> (in a deep voice) I'll have
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whatever Christine is having.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry
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him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me! </font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF">(The scene on TV has changed to show two
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women, one is holding her hair.)</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><font color="#0000FF"><b>Phoebe:</b> If I let go of
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my hair, my head will fall off.</font> </font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing
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those pants. </font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> I say push her down the stairs. </font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><strong>Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and <b>Joey:</b></strong>
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Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3">(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's
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like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a
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shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a
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shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you
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to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> You can see where he'd have trouble.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll
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just stay here with Monica. </font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Well, I guess we've established who's
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staying here with Monica...</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe
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I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3">[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try
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to think of nice calm things...</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Phoebe:</b> (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and
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kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something
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with mittens... La la la la...<font color="#0000FF">something and noodles with
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string. These are a few...</font></font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> I'm all better now.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Phoebe:</b> (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to
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Chandler and Joey.) I helped!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Okay, look, this is probably for the best,
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y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life.<font color="#0000FF"> The whole,
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'hat' thing.</font></font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> (comforting her) And hey, you need anything,
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you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding
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day!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> What, like there's a rule or something?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3">(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> Please don't do that again, it's a
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horrible sound.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><strong><b>Paul:</b></strong> (over the intercom) It's, uh,
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it's Paul.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> <font color="#0000FF">Oh God, is it
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6:30? </font>Buzz him in!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> Who's Paul?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Maybe. <b>Joey:</b> Wait. Your 'not a real
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date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> He finally asked you out?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Yes!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Rach, wait, I can cancel...</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Please, no, go, that'd be fine!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you
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want me to stay?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> (choked voice) That'd be good...</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> (horrified) Really?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine
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Guy!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Phoebe:</b> What does that mean?
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Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3">(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all
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lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>All:</b> Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul,
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was it?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> <font color="#0000FF">Okay, umm-umm, I'll
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just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah...</font></font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Ross:</b> A wandering?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><font color="#0000FF"><b>Monica:</b> Change! Okay,
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sit down. </font>(Shows Paul in) Two seconds.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Phoebe:</b> Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That
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can't be good.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF">(Monica goes to change.)</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Joey:</b> Hey, Paul!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Paul:</b> Yeah?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Joey:</b> Here's a little tip, she
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really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until
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it starts to get a little red.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Monica:</b> (yelling from the bedroom)
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Shut up, Joey!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up
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to tonight?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for
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Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon,
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God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big
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lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are
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coming over to help me put together my new furniture.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited
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about it. </font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just
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gonna hang out here tonight. <font color="#0000FF">It's been kinda a long day.</font></font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> Okay, sure.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.</font></p>
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<p align="center"><b><font size="3">Commercial Break</font></b></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF">[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for
|
|
change.]</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Phoebe:</b> (singing) Love is sweet as
|
|
summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love...is
|
|
like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some
|
|
change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh!</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3">[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling
|
|
furniture.]</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm
|
|
supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm
|
|
guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF">(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling
|
|
the bookcase.)</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Joey:</b> I'm thinking we've got a
|
|
bookcase here.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Chandler:</b> It's a beautiful thing.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> (picking up a leftover part) What's this?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><strong>Chandler: </strong>I would have to
|
|
say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Joey:</b> Which goes where?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><font color="#000000"><b>Chandler:</b> </font>I have no
|
|
idea.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3">(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a
|
|
plant.)</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> Done with the bookcase!</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> All finished!</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was
|
|
Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Joey:</b> Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're
|
|
gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Chandler:</b> Yes, please don't spoil
|
|
all this fun.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the
|
|
furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> You guys.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, God.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> You got screwed.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Chandler:</b> Oh my God!</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3">[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God!</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Paul:</b> I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I
|
|
should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I
|
|
mean, how clean can teeth get?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> My brother's going through that right now,
|
|
he's such a mess. How did you get through it?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Paul:</b> Well, you might try accidentally breaking
|
|
something valuable of hers, say her-</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> -leg?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Paul:</b> (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for
|
|
the watch.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> You actually broke her watch?<font color="#0000FF"> Wow! The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by
|
|
boyfriend's favorite bath towel.</font></font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Paul:</b> Ooh, steer clear of you.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><font color="#0000FF"><b>Monica:</b> That's right.</font>
|
|
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know
|
|
you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love
|
|
with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking
|
|
and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...<font color="#0000FF">look,
|
|
look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel,
|
|
but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but
|
|
you just have to give me a chance too... (The maching cuts her off again and she redials.)</font></font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3">[Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while Joey and
|
|
Chandler are working on some more furniture.]</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Ross:</b> I'm divorced! I'm only
|
|
26 and I'm divorced!</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Joey:</b> Shut up!</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Chandler:</b> You must stop! (Chandler
|
|
hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Ross:</b> That only took me an hour.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Chandler:</b> Look, Ross, you gotta
|
|
understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento.
|
|
<strong>You</strong>, however have had the love of a woman for four years.
|
|
Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and
|
|
that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> You know what the scariest part is? What if
|
|
there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's
|
|
it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her...</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> What are you talking about? 'One woman'?
|
|
That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something,
|
|
Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing!
|
|
Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the
|
|
best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight?
|
|
Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> Stay out of my freezer! [Scene: A
|
|
Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Paul:</b> Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with
|
|
noodles?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Paul:</b> No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda
|
|
revelation.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Paul:</b> Isn't there?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were
|
|
you gonna say?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Paul:</b> Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um,
|
|
I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually. </font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh
|
|
God, I am sorry... I am so sorry...</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Paul:</b> It's okay...</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> I know being spit on is probably not what
|
|
you need right now. Um... how long?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Paul:</b> Two years.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch!
|
|
</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Paul:</b> So you still think you, um... might want that
|
|
fifth date?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3">[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is watching <em>Joanne
|
|
Loves Chaci</em>.]</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><font color="#0000FF"><strong>Priest on TV:</strong></font>
|
|
<font color="#0000FF">We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and
|
|
Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.</font></font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's
|
|
the difference!</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3">[Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all sitting around and
|
|
talking.]</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long
|
|
it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything
|
|
to you? </font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Joey:</b> Great story! But, I uh,
|
|
I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea... Oh man, (looks to Chandler)</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Chandler:</b> Angela's the screamer,
|
|
Andrea has cats.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Joey:</b> Right. Thanks.
|
|
It's June. I'm outta here. (Exits.)</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Ross:</b> Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get
|
|
it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the
|
|
window.)</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3">[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.]</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="center"><b><font size="3" color="#0000FF">Commercial Break</font></b></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3">[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making coffee for
|
|
Joey and Chandler.]</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never
|
|
made coffee before in my entire life.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> That is amazing.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> Congratulations. </font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Rachel:</b> Y'know, I figure if I can
|
|
make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Chandler:</b> If can invade Poland,
|
|
there isn't anything I can't do.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel
|
|
like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... (Joey and Chandler taste the
|
|
coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although actually I'm really not that
|
|
hungry...</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Monica:</b> (entering, to herself) Oh
|
|
good, Lenny and Squigy are here.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>All:</b> Morning. Good morning.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><strong><b>Paul:</b></strong> (entering from Monica's room)
|
|
Morning.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> Morning, Paul.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Hello, Paul.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> Hi, Paul, is it?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3">(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice
|
|
so the others can't hear. The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that
|
|
they can.)</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Paul:</b> Thank you! Thank you so
|
|
much!</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Monica:</b> Stop!</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Paul:</b> No, I'm telling you last night
|
|
was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in <em>Witness</em>.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Monica:</b> We'll talk later.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Paul:</b> Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you
|
|
do on a real date?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Shut up, and put my table back.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>All:</b> Okayyy! (They do so.)</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I
|
|
don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference... </font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> So, like, you guys all have jobs?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we
|
|
buy stuff.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, I'm an actor.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> I doubt it. Mostly regional work.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch
|
|
the Reruns' production of Pinocchio<font color="#0000FF">, at the little theater in the
|
|
park.</font></font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Joey:</b> Look, it was a job all right?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Joey:</b> I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door
|
|
and opens it to leave.)</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song
|
|
and dances out of the door.) "<em>Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy...</em>"</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><font color="#0000FF"><b>Joey:</b> You should both know,
|
|
that he's a dead man. Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.)</font> </font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay?
|
|
Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> I can see that. You look like you slept with
|
|
a hanger in your mouth.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember
|
|
you and Tony DeMarco?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, yeah.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Well, it's like that. With feelings.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Oh wow. Are you in trouble.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Monica:</b> Big time!</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Rachel:</b> Want a wedding dress?
|
|
Hardly used.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><font color="#0000FF"><b>Monica:</b> I think we are getting
|
|
a little ahead of selves here.</font> Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work
|
|
and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, look, wish me luck!</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> What for?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job
|
|
things.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3">(Monica exits.)</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3">[Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie enters.] </font></p><font size="3">
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Frannie:</b> Hey, Monica! </p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida? </p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Frannie:</b> You had sex, didn't you? </p>
|
|
|
|
</font><p><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> How do you do that?</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p><font color="#0000FF"><b>Frannie:</b> Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through
|
|
Parrot Jungle and you're having sex! </font>So? Who? </p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> You know Paul? </p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Frannie:</b> Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul. </p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> You mean you know Paul like I know Paul? </p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Frannie:</b> Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no
|
|
snap in his turtle for two years. </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Joey:</b> (sitting on the arm of the couch)Of course it was a line! </p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that? </p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Ross:</b> I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you
|
|
into bed'. </p>
|
|
|
|
<p><font color="#0000FF"><strong>Monica: </strong>I hate men! I hate men!</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh no, don't hate, you don't
|
|
want to put that out into the universe.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of
|
|
beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear? </font></p><font size="3">
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right, c'mere, gimme your feet. (She starts massaging them.) </p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> I just thought he was nice, y'know? </p>
|
|
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!
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</p>
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<p>(Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel enters with a shopping bag.) </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Guess what? </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You got a job? </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve
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interviews today. </p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> And yet you're surprisingly upbeat. </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty
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percent off! </p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, how well you know me... </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got
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great boots' boots! </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> How'd you pay for them? </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Uh, credit card. </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> And who pays for that? </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Um... my... father. </p>
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</font><p><font size="3">[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is sitting around the kitchen table.
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Rachel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors.]</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><font color="#0000FF"><b>Rachel:</b> Oh God, come on you
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guys, is this really necessary? I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want.</font> </font></p><font size="3">
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<p><b>Monica:</b> C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole life. </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I know that. That's why I was getting married. </p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time. </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Thank you. </p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was
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fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got
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here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like,
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cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found
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aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel. </p>
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<p>(Pause) </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'... </p>
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</font><p><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> <font color="#0000FF">All right, </font>you ready?</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Rachel:</b> No. No, no, I'm not
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ready! How can I be ready? "Hey, Rach! You ready to jump out the
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airplane without your parachute?" Come on, I can't do this!</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><font color="#0000FF"><b>Monica:</b> You can, I know you
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can!</font> </font></p><font size="3">
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</font><p><font size="3"><b>Rachel:</b> I don't think so.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><font color="#0000FF"><b>Ross:</b> Come on, you made
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coffee! You can do anything! (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from
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that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it.)</font></font></p><font size="3">
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<p><b>Ross:</b> C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,... </p>
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</font><p><font size="3"><b>All:</b> Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one of them and they cheer.)</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Rachel:</b> Y'know what? I think
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we can just leave it at that. It's kinda like a symbolic gesture...</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><font color="#0000FF"><b>Monica:</b> Rachel!
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That was a library card!</font> </font></p><font size="3">
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</font><p><font size="3"><b>All:</b> Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Chandler:</b> (as Rachel is cutting up
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her cards) Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream. </font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF">(She finishes cutting them up and they all
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cheer.)</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're
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gonna love it! </font></p><font size="3">
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<p>[Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by
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playing the national anthem.] </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash on the couch? </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No. No, I gotta go home sometime. </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You be okay? </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah. </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. (Monica smiles.) What? </p>
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</font><p><font size="3"><b>Monica:</b> That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy.
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Alright. Goodnight, everybody. </font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Ross and Rachel:</b> Goodnight.</font></p>
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<p align="left"><font size="3">(Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her room.)</font></p><font size="3">
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Mmm. (They both reach for the last cookie) Oh, no- </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Sorry- </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No no no, go- </p>
|
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No, you have it, really, I don't want it- </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Split it? </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay. (They split it.) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in
|
|
high school, I had a, um, major crush on you. </p>
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|
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|
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I knew. </p>
|
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky
|
|
older brother. </p>
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|
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I did. </p>
|
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability
|
|
become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out?
|
|
Sometime? Maybe? </p>
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|
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|
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, maybe... </p>
|
|
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay... okay, maybe I will... </p>
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|
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Goodnight. </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Goodnight. </p>
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<p>(Rachel goes into her room and Monica enters the living room as Ross is leaving.) </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> See ya.... Waitwait, what's with you? </p>
|
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I just grabbed a spoon. (Ross exits and Monica has no idea what that
|
|
means.) </p>
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|
<p align="center"><b>Closing Credits</b></p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.] </p>
|
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|
<p><b>Joey:</b> I can't believe what I'm hearing here. </p>
|
|
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|
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (sings) <em>I can't believe what I'm hearing here... </em></p>
|
|
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|
<p><b>Monica:</b> What? I-I said you had a- </p>
|
|
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|
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (sings) <em>What I said you had... </em></p>
|
|
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|
<p><b>Monica:</b> (to Phoebe) Would you stop? </p>
|
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|
</font><p><font size="3"><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, was I doing it again?</font></p>
|
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<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>All:</b> Yes!</font></p>
|
|
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|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Monica:</b> I said that you had a nice
|
|
butt, it's just not a great butt.</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3" color="#0000FF"><b>Joey:</b> Oh, you wouldn't know a great
|
|
butt if it came up and bit ya.</font></p>
|
|
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|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><font color="#0000FF"><b>Ross:</b> There's an image.</font>
|
|
</font></p><font size="3">
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (walks up with a pot of coffee) Would anybody like more coffee? </p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Did you make it, or are you just serving it? </p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I'm just serving it. </p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>All:</b> Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee. </p>
|
|
|
|
</font><p><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. <font color="#0000FF">(Rachel
|
|
sits down to hear Chandler's dream.)</font></font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><font color="#0000FF"><strong>Customer:</strong> (To
|
|
Rachel) Ahh, miss? More coffee?</font> <font color="#0000FF"></font></font></p><font size="3"><font color="#0000FF">
|
|
|
|
</font></font><p><font size="3"><font color="#0000FF"><b>Rachel:</b> Ugh. (To another customer that's leaving.) Excuse me, could you give
|
|
this to that guy over there? (Hands him the coffee pot.) Go ahead. (He does so.) Thank
|
|
you. (To the gang.) Sorry. Okay, Las Vegas.</font></font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left"><font size="3"><b>Chandler:</b> <font color="#0000FF">Okay, so, I'm in Las
|
|
Vegas... </font>I'm Liza Minelli- </font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="center"><strong><font size="3">End</font></strong></p>
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</body></html> |