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<!-- saved from url=(0054)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season8/823rhab.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<title>The One Where Rachel Has A Baby</title>
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<body bgcolor="#FFFFFF" link="#008000" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One Where Rachel Has A Baby</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Part I Written by: Scott Silveri<br>
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Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman<br>
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Parts I & II Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:webmaster@thecfsi.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Rachel, who’s in a wheelchair, are arriving in the
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waiting room for the maternity ward.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> All right! (Checking his watch) Yes!! From home to the hospital in under
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seven minutes! We did it!!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (deadpan) Yes, the hard part is <b>truly</b> over.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No, but come on, we’re off to a great start aren’t we? I knew
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I’d get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record!</p>
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<p>(Phoebe and Monica walk in from getting some coffee.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh you made it!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi! (Ross is stunned.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> How are you doing?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Wait a minute! How-how the hell did you beat us here?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> We took a cab. Did you guys walk?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> N… No! We took a cab too, but I did <b>test</b> runs!</p>
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<p>(Chandler and Joey enter from the vending machines carrying sodas.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey! You made it!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay is there…some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross, you stay here and talk, I’m gonna go have a baby.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay. Okay. (To the nurse behind the desk.) Umm hi, this is Rachel Green.
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I’m Ross Geller. We-we called from the car.</p>
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<p><b>Nurse:</b> Right! We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. So in just a
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minute…</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (interrupting her) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I’m sorry, semi-private? We
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(Laughs), we asked for a private room.</p>
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<p><b>Nurse:</b> Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we can’t guarantee a private
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room and currently they’re all unavailable.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Man, if only you’d gotten here sooner. (Ross turns and glares at
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him.)</p>
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<p><b>Nurse:</b> I’m sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. Just give us a second. Ross! (They walk away from the desk.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Give her some money.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I really think they’re out of rooms.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> They’re not!! Ross, they’re just saving them for the important
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people!! Okay?! What-what if I was the president?!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well then we’d be in a lot of trouble, you don’t know where any
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countries are. (Rachel glares at him.) Okay. (He goes over to the desk followed by
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Rachel.) Uh, say would you umm… Would you mind checking again to see if any umm,
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private rooms may have (Handing her some money) opened up?</p>
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<p><b>Nurse:</b> This is a hospital.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (standing up) Okay. Y’know what? I’d have to say I really
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don’t care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in this city and we have
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no problem to—Whoa! (She starts a contraction) Oh gosh! Whoa!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What-what?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ow! Ow! Contraction. (Sits back down.) Ow-ow! Ow-ow! (Starts breathing
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heavily.)</p>
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<p><b>Nurse:</b> Would you like to see a semi-private room?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, it couldn’t hurt to look.</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Rachel is in bed, Ross is fooling around, and Dr.
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Long is checking on Rachel.]</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> Well you’re only two centimeters dilated and we need to get to
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ten. It’ll be a while.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, okay.</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> I’ll be back in an hour to check you again.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Thank you.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Thank you. (Dr. Long exits.) Well, I guess we have some time to kill.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! (He’s looking at the stirrups
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on the other bed in the room and Rachel groans. Ross then hops into the bed and puts his
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legs into the stirrups.) Never done this before.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah well it looks great!</p>
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<p>(A nurse shows another couple into the room.)</p>
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<p><b>Man:</b> Thank you very much.</p>
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<p><b>Woman:</b> Thanks.</p>
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<p>(They stop when they see Ross who has to struggle to get out of the bed.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi! Hi, I’m uh Ross. I’m here to ruin this magical day for you.</p>
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<p><b>Man:</b> Oh no-no, not at all.</p>
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<p><b>Woman:</b> Don’t worry about it.</p>
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<p><b>Man:</b> Marc Coreger, this is my wife Julie.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi Julie.</p>
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<p><b>Julie:</b> Hi.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> This is Rachel. (Points at her.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi! </p>
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<p><b>Marc:</b> Oh hi Rachel.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> How are you?</p>
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<p><b>Julie:</b> Hi. Is this your first?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah it is.</p>
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<p><b>Julie:</b> Well, little Jamie here is our third. So, if you have questions or you
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need anything at all, just holler.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> That’s so sweet.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Umm say, I-I opened this earlier (The privacy screen) but let me give you
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guys some privacy.</p>
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<p><b>Marc:</b> No nonsense! We’re all in this together.</p>
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<p><b>Julie:</b> Yeah, we are going to share every moment of this with you. And I think
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we’re gonna have some fun.</p>
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<p><b>Marc:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, okay.</p>
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<p><b>Marc:</b> Hey! Smile! (Points his camera at Ross and Rachel.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh no, I really don’t want any—(He takes the picture)—Oh!
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Thank you. Oh. Oh Ross…</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Here comes another contraction.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh. Okay, just breathe.</p>
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<p><b>Julie:</b> Oh honey, I think I’m having one too!</p>
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<p>(During the mutual contraction Julie takes a moment to point out they’re having a
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contraction at the same time.)</p>
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<p><b>Marc:</b> Look at this! (Takes another picture) There we go!</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Waiting Room, the rest of the gang is lounging around.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (looking at the clock) Oh wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh, the
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miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey, you wanna see something?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Sure! What?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Umm, this is going to be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler. Honey?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Listen uh, I-I’ve been doing some thinking, and I don’t know
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whether it’s because we’re here or Rachel’s giving birth but umm, I think
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we should try to have a baby.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (freaking out) What-what-what’s that now?!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay. I’ve been thinking about it too, and I, I think we’re
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ready.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What?! Are you kidding me?! You-you-you think we’re ready to have a
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baby now?!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, this is fun.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> You’re ready to have a baby? My boy’s all grown up!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> But you said you were ready too.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high
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and weird like mine is now!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes, but haven’t you wanted a kid like forever?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, just back off mister! Whoa. (Pause) ‘Cause I <b>am</b> ready
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to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (voice all high and weird) What?! Are you crazy?!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> That’s it! Right there! Is all I wanted!</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, time lapse, Ross is massaging out a cramp on
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Rachel’s hip as Marc opens up the privacy screen.]</p>
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<p><b>Marc:</b> I am so sorry. The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, that’s very—Really very-very okay.</p>
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<p><b>Marc:</b> Julie’s cervix is dilated a seven centimeters, that’s about four
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fingers. The doctor let me feel it myself.</p>
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<p><b>Julie:</b> Have you felt Rachel’s cervix Ross?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (simultaneously as Ross) No, I don’t think we’ll be doing
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that.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (simultaneously as Rachel) We’re not gonna do that.</p>
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<p><b>Julie:</b> Well, if you like you can feel Rachel’s and then feel mine to
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compare. </p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Geller:</b> (entering) Am I interrupting?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh yes! Thank you.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh. Oh wait no.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Later.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No-no-don’t! Don’t leave me here with these people.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh uh, I’m sorry. (Runs out.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No Ross! Ross! Ross! My child has no father!</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Hallway, Ross comes out and hugs Mrs. Geller.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi! I’m so glad you’re here, but it’s gonna be a while. I-I
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wished you’d called first.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Geller:</b> Oh that’s all right, I’m coming back later with your
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father.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh good.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Geller:</b> I actually needed to talk to you before the birth.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, what’s up?</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Geller:</b> I brought something that I want to give you, assuming of course
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that you want it. (She holds up an engagement ring.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ma, you’re asking me to marry you?</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Geller:</b> This is your grandmother’s engagement ring, I want you to give
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it to Rachel.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Mom no, come on! Thank you.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Geller:</b> Just hear me out!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> N-no! Okay? We’ve been through this! We’re not gonna get married
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just because she’s pregnant, okay?</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Geller:</b> Honestly! Ross, this isn’t just some girl you picked up in a
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bar and humped. A child should have a family.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Mom, y’know what? I-I can’t deal with this right now. I’m
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sorry…</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Geller:</b> Just…think about it. If you don’t, I’ll talk more
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about humping.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Gimmie! (Takes the ring and puts it in his coat pocket as Rachel enters
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the hallway.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Geller:</b> Oh hi dear!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, thank you so much for coming. Ross, get in here!</p>
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<p>(Mrs. Geller leaves as Ross re-enters the room.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Waiting Room, Ross is explaining to the gang what happened with his
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mother.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> …she came and dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why I’m
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not with Rachel.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah. (Pause) Why aren’t you with Rachel?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Are you kidding? Look, we’re not gonna be together just because
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we’re having a baby. Okay?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> But y’know what? It just seems that you two belong together.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, stop it! I can’t deal with this right now. I have to go have a
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baby.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Right. And with who again? (Ross exits.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> God. He’s crazy! Why doesn’t he want to be with Rachel?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I know!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I mean seriously, she’s like the perfect woman. I mean I know she
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turned me down, but if she hadn’t and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my
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arms and… (Realizes everyone is staring.) I haven’t bummed you guys out like
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this in a while have I?</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Ross is returning to find another couple has taken
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the place of Marc and Julie.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (To Rachel) Hey. Who’s that?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> New people.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What happened to the Disgustingtons?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> They’re having their baby! It’s not fair Ross we got here
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first! Right after you left they wheeled her off into delivery. Oh but not before she gave
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me a juicy shot of little Jamie just crowning away.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Wow! Sorry. So uh, how are the new people?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well they have uh, some unusual pet names for each other. Including umm,
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evil bitch and uh, sick bastard. Oh God oh! Contraction!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah? Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ooh! Ow!!</p>
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<p><b>Evil Bitch:</b> Are you looking at her?! </p>
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<p><b>Sick Bastard:</b> No!</p>
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<p><b>Evil Bitch:</b> Don’t you look at her you sick bastard!</p>
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<p><b>Sick Bastard:</b> Honey I swear! I wasn’t looking at her!</p>
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<p><b>Evil Bitch:</b> She’s in labor! You like that you sick son of a bitch!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Umm. Umm, I’m-I’m just gonna—(Closes the privacy screen.)</p>
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<p><b>Evil Bitch:</b> See? See? It was because you were looking fat pervert!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No-no, I’m…I’m sure no one was looking. Just want some
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privacy. (He closes the screen and stares wide-eyed at Rachel.)</p>
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<p><b>Evil Bitch:</b> You miss your girlfriend?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Just ignore them.</p>
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<p>(Sick Bastard sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare
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at Rachel.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What? What?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> He’s looking at me.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (to him) Hey! You wanna live to see your baby?!</p>
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<p><b>Evil Bitch:</b> Don’t you talk to my husband like that you stupid bastard!</p>
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<p>(Ross shrugs his shoulders to Rachel and Sick Bastard closes the screen all the way.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Chandler is looking at the babies as Monica walks up.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh good God! If you want a baby so bad just go steal it! </p>
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<p>(The nurse attending to the babies hears this, turns and stares at Chandler. Chandler
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moves Monica to the side and away from the nurse.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What is going on with you? Since when are you so crazy about babies?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’m not crazy about babies. I’m crazy about us.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Look, we’ve always talked about having babies someday. I’m
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not saying it has to be right now, but I’m starting to think that we can handle it.
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We’re good. We’re really good.</p>
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||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> We are pretty good.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> But nothing has to happen until your ready.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well maybe I’m ready now. I mean, it’s a little scary, but
|
||
maybe it’s right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What?! It’s not right! We’re not ready to have a kid now!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What?!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’m kidding. This is going to be fun.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> So we’re gonna try? I mean, are we trying?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> We’re trying to get pregnant. (They start kissing, but Chandler
|
||
stops it.) Y’know I’m not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies.
|
||
So, when do you want to start trying?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, hold on a sec.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Period math?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, we could start trying. Now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Right here?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No, not here. Maybe here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Wait a minute, it’s perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and
|
||
we’re in a building that’s full of beds!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> And it’s so clean!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They run off in search of a bed.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Vending Machines, Phoebe is buying a soda and Joey is shaking the candy
|
||
machine.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Come on you stupid machine! Come on!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, it ate your money?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (looking at her) No.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right, I’ll see you downstairs then.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> All right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey I got one! I got one!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to the elevator lobby, Phoebe walks up and sees a man in a wheelchair with his
|
||
broken leg extended.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Man:</b> Hi!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hi.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Man:</b> Oh uh, up or down?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh down please. (The guy tries to reach the button, but can’t.) I-I
|
||
hate to be a ball buster can I just do it? (She pushes the button.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Man:</b> Could you press up too please?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Sure! I feel so bad for you; I broke my leg once too.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Man:</b> Oh yeah? How’d yours happen?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, it’s a long story. It’s kind of embarrassing. Let’s
|
||
just say there was a typographical error with a sex manual. (The guy laughs.) How about
|
||
you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Man:</b> Car accident.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Man:</b> Oh, let me guess some idiot on a cell phone wasn’t paying attention?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Man:</b> Yeah. Me. (The elevator door opens.) Oh hey, that’s me. (Rolls onto
|
||
the elevator.) Hey uh, I take it you’re just visiting someone.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Uh-huh, yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Man:</b> Well umm, if you have sometime y’know and maybe you might want to
|
||
visit someone else…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh yeah! I-I would like that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Man:</b> I’m in the middle… (The elevator door closes, cutting him off.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Wait! What?! No!! Elevator!! No!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (standing behind her) Uh, you gotta press the button. (Does so.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Evil Bitch and Sick Bastard are gone and Ross has
|
||
just finished talking to a nurse as Rachel stands and stretches.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> The nurse said they’re bringing in another woman.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ugh, is she pregnant yet? She doesn’t need to be; she’ll still
|
||
have the baby before I do. Oh Ross, another contraction! (Leans back on Ross for some
|
||
support.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> That’s it. That’s it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The next couple enters.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Woman:</b> Oooh, that sounded like a bad one.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah it was.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Woman:</b> Mine haven’t been so bad. Oh! Here comes one now. (Hums then squeals
|
||
a little bit.) Oh, that was a big one!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Rachel motions for Ross to close the privacy screen, which he does.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Another Waiting Room, Phoebe and Joey are trying to find out where the guy with
|
||
the broken leg is.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (to the nurse) Excuse me? Could you help me with something? The patient
|
||
I’m looking for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. And umm, he’s like
|
||
early to mid-thirties, very attractive.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Nurse:</b> I think I know who you’re talking about.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh yay! Great! Okay, what room number is he in?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Nurse:</b> I’m sorry, that information is restricted to hospital staff…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (walks up) Uh, she’s with me. (Introduces himself) Dr. Drake Remoray.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Nurse:</b> Dr. Drake who?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Remoray. It’s Portuguese. We need that information; I’m a
|
||
doctor.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Nurse:</b> A doctor at this hospital?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Damnit woman we’re losing precious time! Now do you want this
|
||
man’s blood on your head?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hands.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hands! It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my
|
||
assistant described is staying in. He’s a patient of mine, I’ve been treating
|
||
him for years!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Nurse:</b> He’s in room 816.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> 816, thank you! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Thank you. (Starts to exit.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey starts to leave, but stops.) </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> And what is his name?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (coming back for Joey) No! (Grabs Joey and drags him away.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: An Empty Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I think we found a place.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay. (They start kissing.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Umm, wait! Do you want to set the mood a little?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay. Uh, we’ll dim the lights, dim the lights. (He goes to the
|
||
light switch and finds it’s not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights off.) Or
|
||
turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Okay here. Here we go. (He sprays an
|
||
aerosol air freshener above her.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay! Okay! Make me sterile, but okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(He hops onto the bed and they start making out.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. Let’s hurry—Oh wait! Do we have a condom? (He looks at
|
||
her.) Oh right! (Laughs and they resume making out when a nurse catches them in the act.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes, 98.6. You’re gonna be fine.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Outside Room 816, Phoebe and Joey are approaching.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ooh, this is it! (Looks in the window.) Oh, that’s him! That’s
|
||
him!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Great! Go get him.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Wait a second, or maybe you can go in first.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (looks in the window) He’s not really my type.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. You can ask him questions and see
|
||
what’s he like. People tell doctors everything.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> But you said he was this great guy!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> But lately all the guys I meet seem really nice at first, then they turn
|
||
out to be the biggest jerks.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> You do attract some stinkers.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Dr. Long is checking on Rachel again.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Dr. Long, I’ve been at this for seventeen hours! Three women have
|
||
come and gone with their babies, you gotta give me some good news! How many centimeters am
|
||
I dilated? Eight? Nine?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> Three.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Just three?! I’m dilated three!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> We are moving along, just slowly. (Rachel lies back and sighs.)
|
||
Don’t worry, you’re doing great. I’ll be back soon. (Exits.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey, y’know what? I’m not waiting! I’m gonna push this
|
||
baby out! I’m doing it! I mean it’s what? Three centimeters? That’s gotta
|
||
be like this! (Holds her hands a couple inches apart.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Actually it’s more like this. (Pushes her hands to less than an inch
|
||
apart.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh stupid metric system!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Another woman with a nurse and doctor enter, the woman is screaming.) </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Doctor:</b> Oh my. We’re gonna need to take you straight to the delivery room.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh for the love of God! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Woman Giving Birth:</b> (yelling from the hallway) It’s coming! It’s
|
||
coming!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Doctor:</b> And here it is! (The baby cries.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh come on!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Room 816, Dr. Drake Remoray is entering.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hi! I’m Dr. Drake Remoray and I have a few routine questions I need
|
||
to ask you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Man:</b> Really? I’ve been dealing with Dr. Wells.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I know, but I’m a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr.
|
||
Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Man:</b> Dr. Wells is a woman.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> That was a test. Good response. All right, full name.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Man:</b> Clifford Burnett.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Date of birth? </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> November 16<sup>th</sup>, 1968.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Age?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> Can’t you figure that out based on my date of birth?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I’m a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> I’m 33.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay. And uh, are you married.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> No.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh really? So, 33 and still single, would you say you have commitment
|
||
issues?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> Are all the questions this personal?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (checking the list) Yes.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> Well uh if you must know I’m a widower.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh that’s terrible. I’m-I’m really sorry.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hmm. Do you sleep with women and never call them again?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> No.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff
|
||
y’know, sexually?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> No!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oooh, wrong answer. (Exits.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, they’re brining in yet another woman.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Nurse:</b> (calling to the woman) This room’s available.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been
|
||
waiting four women, that’s four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am
|
||
dilated, have come and gone with their babies! I’m next! It’s my turn! It’s
|
||
only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me I’m going to
|
||
sue you! Not this hospital, I’m going to sue you! And my husband (Points at Ross)
|
||
he’s a lawyer!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh Rach…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Go get back on that case honey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Nurse:</b> I don’t think the next patient is very far along.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, well then bring her in.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Another nurse wheels the next pregnant woman in.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Woman:</b> OH….MY….GAWD!!! (Uh-huh, it’s Janice.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross and Rachel are, needless to say, stunned at the arrival of Janice.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, continued from earlier.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> I….can’t….believe this!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> And yet somehow it’s true!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> I mean this is so great! We’re gonna be baby buddies! (Does the
|
||
laugh.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (To Rachel) Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby’s ears!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Man:</b> (entering, carrying a pillow) Hi sweetie!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I don’t think
|
||
you’ve met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the
|
||
dermatologist’s office. Thank God for adult acne huh? (Does the laugh.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Sid:</b> I still can’t believe it! I’m the luckiest guy in the world!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (softly) Really?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Sid:</b> (To Janice) What’d he say?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> Oh y’know what? You have to speak very loudly when you’re
|
||
talking to Sid, because he’s almost completely deaf.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh there you go!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I get it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> So? Congratulations you two, I didn’t even know you got married.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh we-we didn’t.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No-no. We…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Um uh…We’re-we’re just having this baby together but uh, uh
|
||
that’s all.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> Why?!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh well umm…we’re just not in that place, y’know? But
|
||
we’re very excited about this.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> Oh. Well then shut me up. (Does the laugh.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Just tell me how.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> Uh-oh, I feel another one coming. (She makes a sound like a goose during
|
||
the contraction.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Sid you lucky deaf bastard.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Outside Room 816, Joey is briefing Phoebe on Cliff.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What else? What else?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh, well he’s 33.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh. Ah-uh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> A widower.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and he’s not into anything weird
|
||
sexually.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Enter Pheebs.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Another Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter and start making out.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Should we tell Rachel there’s an empty private room right next
|
||
door to hers?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> We could, or we can have sex in it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well let me think about that, while I remove my pants!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They start making out again.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (lying down on the bed) Okay mister! Fertilize me!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Suddenly they hear Janice laughing, and it ruins the moment.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Does that sound like Janice?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> If it’s not, then there’s two of them. And that would mean
|
||
it’s the end of the world!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Chandler and Monica are entering to see if they in
|
||
fact did hear Janice.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hi.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh hi.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I can’t believe this is taking so long. How are you doing?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling when you’re trying to blow a
|
||
Saint Bernard out your ass?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Weirdest thing. Did I hear—(A nurse opens the privacy screen and
|
||
Chandler sees Janice)—Mother of God it’s true!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> Chandler Bing!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Jan-Janice!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> Oh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember
|
||
Chandler.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Janice I didn’t even know you were pregnant! Who’s the
|
||
unwitting human who’s essence you’ve stolen?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> It’s you. This is yours.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> (laughs) Look how nervous he gets! We haven’t slept together in
|
||
years! (Laughs again.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> That’s funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe is making her move on Cliff.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay I’ve got one for you, if you had too which one would you
|
||
rather eat, a seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> I’d have to say…the talking gorilla, because at least I can
|
||
explain to him that you’re making me eat him.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Somebody went to college. Wow. (Cliff gets uncomfortable) What is it?
|
||
I’m sorry. (She moves her arm, which was resting on the same pillow his leg is.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> No, I’m sorry. It’s just my foot itches like crazy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, I’ll get it. (She gets up and grabs a spoon.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> Wow! I usually get to know a girl a little better before I let her spoon
|
||
me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Relax, it’s not like we’re forking.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Janice is being moved to the delivery room and is
|
||
screaming in pain.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh that’s five Ross. Five women have had five babies! And I have
|
||
had no babies! Why doesn’t she want to come out?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Y’know what I think it is? I think you’ve made such a nice home
|
||
for her over the last nine months that she just doesn’t want to leave.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh. Look at you making up crap for me. Oh God! (Starts another
|
||
contraction as Dr. Long enters.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> Twenty-one hours, you’re a hero.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Doctor you gotta do something! I think you gotta give me drugs or you
|
||
gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> Actually, I think you’re ready to go to the delivery room.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> Ten centimeters, you’re about to become a mom.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> My God. Okay. (Another woman enters.) Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe and Cliff are eating some pudding with spoons.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> Is this the same spoon that was in my cast? (Smells it.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Y’know what? This one is. (Eats another spoonful of pudding as
|
||
Cliff sees something on TV.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> Oh my God! That’s the doctor who was in my room before!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Huh. Okay, Mr. Perkazet.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> I’m telling you! The guy from that show was here in my room, asking
|
||
me all these weird questions!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a TV show was here in
|
||
your room?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Rachel’s having her baby!! (Phoebe turns and looks at
|
||
him.) Which is of no interest to me, I’m a neurologist.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> That-that’s him! You know him?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay. Okay. I—Okay umm…this…I-I sent my friend Joey in
|
||
here to find out stuff about you. Umm y’know, if it helps you came off great. A <b>lot</b>
|
||
better than I’m coming off right now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> I don’t believe this. You got him to pretend he was some fake
|
||
doctor?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Fake? Excuse me? Hello? (Taps the TV screen.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You’re right, that was wrong. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
|
||
It’s just that I liked you so much. Can we just, can we just start over?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> I don’t think so.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh, if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff
|
||
about you, right? And maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal
|
||
stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave birth to her
|
||
brother’s triplets. Oh! Oh! Her-her twin sister used to do porn!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Uh Joey, we’re trying to dial down the crazy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Right!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Umm, look we don’t, we don’t really know each other so it
|
||
would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between
|
||
us. And I don’t know about you but that doesn’t happen to me a lot.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cliff:</b> It doesn’t happen to me either.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Me neither.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is finally giving birth.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> Push. Push. Come on push for five seconds. 5…4…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> 3-2-1 oh!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> Okay, the next contraction should be in about twenty seconds.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I can’t. I can’t push anymore, I can’t.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Sweetie you’re doing great.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh God twenty seconds my ass!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> Here we go! Okay, keep pushing! Wait! I see something.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What? You do? You do? (Looks) Oh my God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Don’t say, "Oh my God!" Oh my God what?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What is that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> It’s the baby’s buttock, she’s breech.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh thank God, I thought she had two heads.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh God. Is she gonna be okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> She’s gonna be fine. Okay, she’s in a more difficult
|
||
position so you’re gonna have to push even harder now. Go! Push!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Go!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> Rachel you’re gonna have to push even harder, nothing’s
|
||
happening!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’m sorry, I can’t!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yes you can!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I can’t!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey! Hey! Come on! You can! I know you can do this! Let’s go!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I can’t. Please, you do it for me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No! Come on let’s—One more time! One final push! Ready?
|
||
1…2…3! (Rachel pushes so hard her head snaps up head-butting Ross and knocking
|
||
him down.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> Good!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (from the floor) Keep pushing!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Are you okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You have no idea how much this hurts. (All of the women in the room turn
|
||
and glare at him.) Keep going! Keep going!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> Here we go!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh! Oh! She’s upside down but she’s coming! She’s coming!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh! Oh my God oh! Oh my God she’s here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The newest friend cries.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh she’s…she’s perfect.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, she’s so tiny. (Starts crying) Where’d she go?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh it’s okay. They’re just-they’re just wrapping her up.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. Well be careful with her, she’s really tiny.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> Here she is!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Dr. Long hands her to Rachel.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh hey you. Thanks for coming out of me. (The baby cries.) I know. Oh.
|
||
Yeah. Oh, she’s looking at me. Hi! I know you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> Do we have a name yet?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No, not yet.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Long:</b> That’s fine, for now we’ll just call her Baby Girl Green.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh no, Baby Girl Geller-Green.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross and Rachel look into each other’s eyes and kiss.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hello baby girl.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Recovery Room, Ross is taking pictures of Rachel holding the baby as the
|
||
rest of the gang enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Can we come in?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, come in.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hi!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> There she is!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, she’s so beautiful.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Here. (Hands her to Monica.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God! She’s amazing. Oh, oh I’m so glad you guys got
|
||
drunk and had sex!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> It’s incredible, I mean one minute she’s inside you and then
|
||
47 hours later here she is.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (taking the baby) She looks so real! (The gang looks at him.) Y’know
|
||
what I mean! She’s this whole tiny little person. She already has eyelashes and knees
|
||
and…uh-oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh no-no, no for I second there I counted six fingers, but one was from
|
||
the other hand so we’re good.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, my turn. My turn. (Joey hands her to Phoebe.) Oh! You’re so
|
||
cute! Oh, I could squeeze your little head! (Pause) I won’t.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Rachel starts crying again.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What’s the matter?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh nothing I… Sorry, I just can’t stop crying.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> The doctor says it’s completely normal with all the hormones. Plus,
|
||
you-you’re sleep deprived.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> So? You guys are all sleep deprived. I don’t see you weeping
|
||
because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God. (Starts to cry harder.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What’s the matter now?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I was reliving it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ohhh. (Hands her back to Rachel.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> So, do you know what you’re gonna call her yet?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, wait a minute it’s not gonna be Baby Girl? I thought that was
|
||
so original! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh actually, we-we’ve narrowed it down to two names.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, and y’know what? I love them both, so why don’t you just
|
||
pick one and that’ll be it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Wow! Umm, okay uh…everyone…this…is Isabella. (Rachel starts
|
||
crying.) What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> That’s not her name! I’m sorry, she just doesn’t feel
|
||
like an Isabella.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> So then I guess Ferdinad is out.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What was the other one Ross?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Umm, Delilah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh great! Suddenly she sounds like a biblical whore.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> So I guess we’re back to uh, Baby Girl.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yay!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well what are we going to do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> It’s okay honey, you’ll find a name.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Ugh, easy for you to say, you already know what your kids names are going
|
||
to be.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, I’ve had them picked out since I was fourteen.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh no, it’s gonna be named after some snack or baked good
|
||
isn’t it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well tell us! What are they?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Umm, okay. If it’s a boy it’s Daniel.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> And if it’s a girl?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I don’t want to say.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, just tell us! We’re not gonna want it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. It’s Emma.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (gasps) Emma! (Looks at the baby and starts to cry.) See? I don’t
|
||
want it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Take it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> It’s clearly an Emma.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh honey, but you love that name.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, but I love you more. Besides y’know, nothing goes with Bing.
|
||
So I’m screwed. I mean… (Rachel hands Emma to Monica.) Oh, hi Emma. Yeah,
|
||
that’s you. You’re our little Em. Oh what’s that honey? What? Oh, you want
|
||
a little cousin? (To Chandler) You want a cousin right now?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: A Janitorial Closet, Monica and Chandler are emerging slowly.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> That was amazing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I know. Hey, do you realize we may have just changed our lives forever?
|
||
We may have just started a family. Nine months from now we can be here, having our own
|
||
baby.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> And if not, we got to do it on a bucket.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Recovery Room, Rachel is putting Emma down for a nap.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> (entering) Yoo-hoo! Aaron Litman-Neurolic would like to say hello to his
|
||
future bride.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohhh! (Looks at Aaron and recoils in horror.) Wow! He kinda takes your
|
||
breath away doesn’t he?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> He’s a keeper. How are you feeling?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, I’m fine. (Gasps in pain as she sits down.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> Can I just say, I really admire what you’re doing. Just raising her
|
||
all alone.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, I’m not doing it alone. I have Ross.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets
|
||
married?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well then he gets a divorce, it’s Ross!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> I’m telling you Rachel, listen to Janice. They all say they’re
|
||
gonna be there until they start their real family.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well I—That’s never gonna happen with Ross.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> Oh well that’s what I thought about my first husband, now I’m
|
||
lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father and the twins and little Ms. New
|
||
Boobs.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Really?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> I hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two (Her and Emma) are on
|
||
your own.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well… That’s…y’know—That’s—We’ve
|
||
been alone for the last twenty minutes we’re doing okay. Besides y’know what?
|
||
I-I—Maybe we won’t be alone, ‘cause lately I-I—things have been
|
||
happening between me and Ross, y’know? Right before I went into labor, we-we had this
|
||
kiss. Y’know? So it might be the…the beginning of something.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (entering) Hey Janice!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> Oh hi!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Who’s this little guy? (Gasps when he sees Aaron.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> Say hello to Aaron, your future son-in-law.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No-no. No.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> I’m gonna leave the three of you alone.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janice:</b> Bye. (Exits.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Man! Did you see the kid on that nose?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Uh-huh. (Ross takes off his coat and sets in on a chair.) Y’know
|
||
what I was, I was thinking about?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Huh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Umm…that kiss before we left the apartment. That was some-something
|
||
huh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah. Yeah, it really was. But we…we gotta be careful. We…we
|
||
can’t let that happen again, y’know?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (pause) Right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I mean we don’t want to go down that road do we?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! No, of course not. No. That’s why I brought it up. (Pause) They
|
||
didn’t have any sodas?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh my God! I’m sorry, I was talking to this nurse, completely forgot.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> That’s all right. (He goes to get her a soda.) And so it begins.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Ross is looking at Emma as Phoebe walks up.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Is she in there?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah. She’s putting her down now, that’s her. (Points to the
|
||
nurse putting Emma now.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look at Emma!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I just can’t decide who she looks more alike, you or Rachel?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh what are you kidding? She’s gorgeous, it’s all Rachel.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Pause)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I’m sorry, for the last time, why aren’t you two together
|
||
again? (Silence from Ross.) No, I know. I know, because you’re not in that place.
|
||
Which would be fine, except you totally are.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> It’s…it’s complicated okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah that’s true. Yeah, you love her. You always have. You have a
|
||
child together. There is no right answer.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look, we’ve been together. Okay? And then apart, and then together,
|
||
and then apart, and now we have a baby. (Pause) It’s just if-if we got together again
|
||
and it didn’t work out…I could never do that to Emma. I mean she-she thinking
|
||
everything—(Starts to cry.) Oh that’s…now me. What do they put something in
|
||
the water in this place? Since Rachel and I we’re doing really, we’re doing
|
||
really well right now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I know. I know. I know. I know, and if you try to make it more you might
|
||
wreck it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, exactly.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Right. (Pause) Or you might get everything you’ve wanted since you
|
||
were fifteen.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is in bed as Joey enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time;
|
||
it is like a freak show up here. (Notices she’s wiping her eyes.) What’s the
|
||
matter?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Nothing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What is it? Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Really it’s nothing. I’m just…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Rach come on, what?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’ve just been thinking about how my baby and I are gonna be all
|
||
alone.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What are you talking about alone? What about Ross?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh please, he’ll be with his real family, the twins and little miss
|
||
new boobs.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay, how long was I watching that woman?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’m just saying that y’know, someday Ross is gonna meet
|
||
somebody and…he’s gonna have his own life. Right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, I guess so.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I just never thought I would raise this baby all by myself. Pretty dumb
|
||
huh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey, listen to me, listen to me…you are never <b>ever</b> gonna be
|
||
alone. Okay? I promise that’s not gonna happen.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Joey. Honey what would I do without you? </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They hug.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> You don’t have to worry about that okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Pause)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, hon can you grab me my other box of tissues? They’re right on
|
||
that chair under Ross’s coat.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Sure.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(He moves Ross’s coat to get the tissues and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller
|
||
gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box,
|
||
opens it, and sees that it’s an engagement ring.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> My God.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Joey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey is stunned.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the
|
||
hall to Rachel’s room.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Fade to black.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Closing Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>{Transcriber’s Note: As with all the cliffhangers, there was no credits scene.
|
||
There will be a ninth and <b>final</b> season of Friends starting sometime in September.
|
||
See you then, have a good summer everyone.}</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |