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<title>The One With Joey’s Dirty Day</title>
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<h1 align="center">The One With Joey’s Dirty Day</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Written by: Wil Calhoun<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is getting ready for a
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fishing trip and Phoebe is asking him about the fishing lures. Ross is playing with the
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rod, and Monica is pretty much just watching the on goings.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (holding a lure) So now, what is this now?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Guggly worm.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (laughs and picks up another lure) And this?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Glow-pop giggly jammer.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (laughs harder) You make it so funny.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (not wanting to be left out, picks up something) Hey umm, what’s
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this?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (examining it) Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year. (Monica drops the
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sandwich)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (pretend fishing in the living room) Ohh, Geller’s got one hooked!
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Ohh! Looks like a big one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! (Swinging the rod back and forth) It’s the
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classic struggle between man and—(swings the rod and knocks over a lamp.) Someone
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knocked over a lamp.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (going over and picking up the rod) That’s all right. Hey you guys,
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you know what’s going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my dad gets
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me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with
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your life?" stuff. I can say, "Well, I’m doing a movie with Charlton Heston
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dad. What are you doing with your life?"</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Great!</p>
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<p>(Chandler enters from his bedroom, all depressed and wearing sweat pants, with the
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chick and duck in tow.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You don’t have to stop having fun just because I’m here.
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Kathy didn’t cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler
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goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey, Joey, I don’t think that you should leave Chandler alone. I
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mean it’s only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing
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next week?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Look, there’s nothing I can do for him right now, he’s still in
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his sweat pants, that’s still Phase One. Y'know? I’ll be back for Phase Two, I
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would never miss Phase Two.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What’s Phase Two?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Gettin’ drunk and going to a strip club. </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> How does going to a strip club help him better?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Because there are naked ladies there.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> There are naked ladies there too.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and duck) Would
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you give me one minute!! Please.</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is still dressing Joshua. He is trying on a pair of
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pants.]</p>
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<p><b>Joshua:</b> So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Um-hmm. (Joshua turns to look in the mirror and leaves Rachel staring at
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his ass.) There we go. There it is.</p>
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<p><b>Joshua:</b> (turning around) Oh! You know what I need? </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah!</p>
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<p><b>Joshua:</b> Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, okay. Uhh, well let’s see. (Grabs his hand.) You’re
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about—well uh, this one is large. And this one—(Grabs the other hand.)</p>
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<p><b>Joshua:</b> Also large?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah! Okay, two larges coming right up!</p>
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<p><b>Joshua:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Waltham:</b> (entering) Rachel! Could I have a moment?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes.</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Waltham:</b> I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from London—well
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Shropshire really but y’know—well she’s about your age I say. Anyway I have
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tickets for the opera, Die Fledermaus, and I was wondering if you’d like to keep her
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company this evening?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Sure. You got it. Great! </p>
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<p><b>Mr. Waltham:</b> Oh, good.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Me, Fledermaus, great. I really—(motions to Joshua.)</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Waltham:</b> Ohh! Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much.</p>
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<p><b>Joshua:</b> So…(Holds out his hands as to say, "Where are my
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gloves?")</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> So? (She puts her hands in his, totally forgetting about the gloves, and
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hoping for something more intimate.)</p>
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<p><b>Joshua:</b> Gloves?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh! Right! Right, sorry, I’ll be right back!</p>
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<p><b>Joshua:</b> Uhh, actually y’know what, I kinda—I have to take off. </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh.</p>
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<p><b>Joshua:</b> But, I was curious; do you have any plans for tonight?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! Nothing!</p>
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<p><b>Joshua:</b> I invested in this night-club and it’s opening tonight, would you
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like to come?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah! That would be great!</p>
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<p><b>Joshua:</b> You’re into hardcore S&M right?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (shocked) Well, I-I guess—I…</p>
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<p><b>Joshua:</b> Kidding! (Rachel is relived) I’m gonna get there early, but
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I’m going to put you on the V.I.P list, okay? Look for me.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, great, you betcha!</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Waltham:</b> (entering) I almost forget the tickets, didn’t I?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Waltham:</b> For you and Emily, tonight, Die Fledermaus.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh. Oh, right.</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Waltham:</b> I think you’ll like it, it has two out of the three tenors.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh yay!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is in his sweats
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flinging playing cards into a pot.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Y’know, I can’t believe Kathy did this too me. I really,
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thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on I’m never getting out of
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this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the
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one? My sweat pants!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Come on, man! Just-just take the sweats off. Okay? Just take ‘em off
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and we’ll have some fun.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey-hey!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Catch any big fish? (Phoebe, Ross, and Monica all go over to him.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh my God, you guys have no idea. </p>
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<p><b>All:</b> (they all recoil from the smell emanating from him) Oh! God! Wow!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You stink!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Are you kidding?!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus! I fell in that big
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tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-how’s he doing?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> He hasn’t gotten out of that chair in two days.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (goes over to Chandler) Hey buddy! How’s it going?</p>
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<p>(Chandler imitates retching and gets out of the chair.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (To the rest of the gang) Hey, see that? He just needed his pal to come
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home. All right, uh, I’ve got to go memorise my lines. (Starts to go his bedroom) Me
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and Charlton Heston bright and early tomorrow morning! Yeah-yeah!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (entering) Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey, Monica!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Uh-oh, what’s the matter?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh, it’s Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight.
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But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera.
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So… What are you gonna do?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I don’t know sweetie.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! Help me!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I can’t! I have to work!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Phoebe?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening. </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ugh!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is—I have to meet Joshua! This
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is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y’know the "Wouldn’t it be
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great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No, Chandler’s still in Phase One, and Joey’s that thing you
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smell.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh! (Realises that Ross is in the room.) Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> So….</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohhhh, come on!!!</p>
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<p>(There’s a knock on the door.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I think she’s here.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You want me to take some girl I’ve never met to the opera so you can
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go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (looking out the peephole) Ohh, she’s looking down the hall. Oh!
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She looked right at me! Oh wait, you can’t see people through that little hole, can
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you? (Goes back to the door.) Hello!</p>
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<p><strong>Woman:</strong> Hello! (Monica screams)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’ll be right there! (to Ross) Okay, Ross, please come on! I
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thought we have moved on! I thought we’ve gotten to a place where we could be happy
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for each other! I mean was that just me?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> All right, I’ll do it.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Monica opens the door.)
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Emily?</p>
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<p><b>Emily:</b> Yes.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’m Rachel Green.</p>
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<p><b>Emily:</b> Thank goodness.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> There’s been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that
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I’m not free tonight. So…</p>
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<p><b>Emily:</b> Really?! Well, that’s just lovely, isn’t it? I must’ve
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missed your call, even though I didn’t leave the flat all day. </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh well, no I…</p>
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<p><b>Emily:</b> Oh, no-no-no, that’s not rude! It’s perfectly in keeping with a
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trip that I’ve already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been
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strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone
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who’s got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I-I-I think you look great.</p>
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<p><b>Emily:</b> Good night, it was very nice to meet you all. (Storms out.)</p>
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<p>(Pause)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’ll get her.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Please hurry.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Don’t you just <b>love</b> the way they talk?!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next morning, Monica and
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Phoebe are eating breakfast.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ohh!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> It kicked! I think the baby kicked!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on
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the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh wait, Joey, you can’t go like that! You stink!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Look, I know I feel asleep before I could shower and now I don’t have
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time! They’re just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah. Run ten blocks, that’ll help the smell.</p>
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<p>(He opens the door to reveal Rachel.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey—whoa, slow down. (Gets a whiff of him) No, keep moving. (Joey
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runs off.) Wow!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> So? How did it go with Joshua last night?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, I didn’t see Joshua last night, <b>but</b> I did punch a girl
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in the face.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Why?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got
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there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ohh! So, did you get to meet her?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and
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she was all, "I’m Rachel Greep! I’m Rachel Greep!" and he let her
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right in. </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> So you hit her in the face?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal
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my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can’t believe this, all I wanted was a few
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hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (going over to comfort her) Aww, Pheebs.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Honey, that’s you’re name.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> That’s short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we called
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each other!</p>
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<p>(Chandler enters from his bedroom.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey! You’re wearing pants!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> That’s right! Where are the guys? I’m ready to get drunk and
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see some strippers.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> It’s 9:30 in the morning!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> They got a breakfast buffet.</p>
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<p>(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hello. (Listens) Oh, hey Ross!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ooh, let me talk to him!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh-oh, my God!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, can I just…</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (to Chandler) Shh!! (On phone) Wait, what?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> She’s shhing me! It’s my phone and she’s shhing me!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Shhh!! Please! What’s he saying?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> He’s with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What? Oh my God!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What? Who the hell is Emily—(realises) noooo!!</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, scene continued from earlier.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> They’re in Vermont!! How could this happen?! (She waves her arms
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franticly and hits Chandler.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ow!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> How—how did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! (She hits
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Chandler again.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Maybe, she doesn’t hit him all the time. </p>
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<p>[cut to Ross in Vermont, talking on the phone.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who
|
||
wouldn’t be miserable? I’m telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes,
|
||
she was a totally different person.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Emily:</b> (rushing in) Ross! Come quickly! There’s a deer just outside eating
|
||
fruit from the orchard!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I’ve gotta go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the
|
||
orchard! (He hangs up and runs out.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[cut back to Chandler and Joey’s.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> He had to go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the
|
||
orchard.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I don’t get this! She was horrible! (She hits Chandler, yet again.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, I’m going to go stand over there. (Points and moves into
|
||
the living room.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Why do you care so much anyway?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I don’t care! All right, y’know what I’m just upset that
|
||
I’m getting nowhere with Joshua that—y’know what still, you do not meet
|
||
someone and go flitting off to Vermont!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, y’know, would you just for <b>once</b>, not remember
|
||
every…little…thing!! (Storms out.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> So y’know, uh, when’s he getting back?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> A couple of days.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Y’know, I knew something like this was going to happen. (He
|
||
starts to take off his pants, revealing that he is still wearing his sweat pants.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What are you doing?! Chandler! You can’t just go back a phase!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes you can. You’re thinking about time, you can’t go back
|
||
in time.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, look, why don’t you just, why don’t you do your Phase
|
||
Two strip club thing with us.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, come on, we can be guys!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (laughs) No you can’t.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Come on! Let us be guys! Maybe we want to be guys!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You don’t want to be guys, you’d be all hairy and
|
||
wouldn’t live as long. (Starts to go to his bedroom)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Y’know you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and
|
||
you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay. (Starts to cry)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I’m sorry. (Goes and hugs him)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is just arriving for his scene.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (rushing in) Hey! Joey Tribbiani! I’m here! I’m here! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The A.D:</b> Calm down, we got time, we’re running a little late.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Just then, Charlton Heston walks out of his dressing room and starts eating a
|
||
liquorice whip.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a liquorice whip!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The A.D:</b> Yeah, we loves ‘em. I’ve never seen him with—(He gets a
|
||
whiff of Joey and starts smelling around.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (trying to act like he’s not the one that stinks.) Whoa! Yeah, what
|
||
the hell is that? What smells so bad?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The A.D:</b> You.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Y’know, I can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know who
|
||
I think it is?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The A.D:</b> You?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> No-no, it’s uh, it’s Heston.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The A.D:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and
|
||
then ate some liquorice. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The A.D:</b> There’s no way he smells, he’s the only one around here with
|
||
a shower in his dressing room.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The A.D:</b> The one with "Heston" on it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Interesting.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: A strip club, the girls are there with Chandler, who isn’t enjoying
|
||
himself.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (coming back to the stage and sitting next to Chandler) Okay, I’ve
|
||
got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No thanks, Mom!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(A man sits down next to Phoebe and lights up a cigarette.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to put that out, ‘cause
|
||
I’m pregnant.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>The Cigarette Smoking Guy</strong>: (No, not the Cigarette Smoking Man from <i>The
|
||
X-Files</i>.) Well, maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ha-ha, it’s not my baby, ha-ha-ha! (He leaves.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The dancer finishes and everyone claps.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Very good, (getting up and sliding a One into the dancer’s hot
|
||
pants) so good.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (doing the same) I really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (joining them) Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didn’t
|
||
call. I mean you’d think he’d be worried about me not showing up at his club.
|
||
Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Come on! Look where you are!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (to the waitress) When you get a sec, another round of daiquiris.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Remember, a virgin for me please.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh! And don’t let me leave without getting the name of that carpet
|
||
guy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ahh, come on! Y’know what—y’know what, I think I’m
|
||
just gonna go home and call Kathy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, if you think it will help.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I’m gonna get really
|
||
drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that,
|
||
I’m gonna get so drunk, I’m gonna wanna call Janice</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You should! How is she?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ohhh!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I think somebody needs another lap dance. (Motions for one.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Silvercup studios, Joey is taking a shower in Charlton Heston’s dressing
|
||
room. Heston enters the room, Joey panics, and walks over to the shower and confronts Joey
|
||
about the use of his shower.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Charlton Heston:</b> Hello! Who’s in there? (He opens to curtain to reveal a
|
||
naked and wet Joey.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> How ya doin’?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Charlton Heston:</b> Who in the hell are you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I guess you wouldn’t believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas, huh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Charlton Heston:</b> Put some pants on kid so I can kick your butt.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> No-no-no, no, no, wait. You see, I’m an actor, Joey Tribbiani,
|
||
I’m doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Charlton Heston:</b> (shocked) You’re in <b>this</b> picture?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah-yeah, I’m one of the cops that won’t work with you
|
||
‘cause you a lose cannon. Anyway, look, I’m really sorry, but I stink!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Charlton Heston:</b> Joey, right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Charlton Heston:</b> (tosses him a towel, motions for him to get out of the shower
|
||
and sits down on the couch) Every actor at one time or another—opp! (Joey tries to
|
||
sit down next to him and Heston makes him sit somewhere else.) Every actor thinks he
|
||
stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford won’t even
|
||
watch himself.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh no-no-no, you don’t understand…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Charlton Heston:</b> Listen to me!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh yeah, yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Charlton Heston:</b> I don’t know one actor worth his salt that didn’t say
|
||
at one time or another, "God, I stink!" Hell, I just did a scene out there,
|
||
first take, I stunk the place up. But, the important thing you must remember, no matter
|
||
how badly you think you might stink, you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and
|
||
use my shower! Do you understand me?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yes sir! Yes sir, I’m-I’m—(he starts to leave)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Charlton Heston:</b> Wait a minute! Take your pants.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah. Oh, yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are
|
||
returning from the strip club.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> So, we did okay at the strip club, right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress
|
||
there is quitting to teach the third grade!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (entering) I can’t believe it! He still hasn’t called.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Who, Josh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> It’s Joshua.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What, he doesn’t like Josh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No, I don’t.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> All right, well I’m gonna put my sweats back on.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh no! Wait! Wait! Okay, y’know what, you were right, you were
|
||
right. We really weren’t great at being guys, but you know why? Because we’re
|
||
girls.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> And do you know what girls are really good at?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Stripping!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, listening! Sit! Y’know, maybe it would just really, really help
|
||
if you would just talk.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, come on! What’s going in on in there? (Pats his chest.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah. And y’know, if you wanna cry, that’s okay too.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, look, I’m gonna have to ask you all to leave.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Come on! Chandler!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay?
|
||
Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn’t picture myself with any of them.
|
||
(Sits back in disgust.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> They really were pretty, weren’t they? (Rachel and Phoebe both
|
||
agree)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, I really liked that fighter pilot one.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, Candy! She was so spunky! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Y’know, I think if I were going to be with a woman. (Chandler is
|
||
intrigued.) It’d, it’d be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so
|
||
petite.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> See, I don’t know, for me it would have to Chantal.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, Chantal!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean when I stuck that
|
||
dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (jumping up) Phase Three! I just achieved Phase Three!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Really?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I am totally picturing you with all those women!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> That’s-that’s not Phase Three.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, I’m there too!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, are we all together? Like in a group?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Stop it! You’re killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase
|
||
Four!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh! What is that? What is that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Where I don’t want to have a relationship ever! I just want to
|
||
have sex with strippers and my friends!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, minus Ross. Chandler is trying to cheer Joey
|
||
up about missing Phase Two.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Come on, let me see that smile.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I don’t wanna.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Please?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I wanted to go to the strip club!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I know, I know, but you’re gonna have plenty of chances. There
|
||
are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, all right. (Ross enters.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey—ooh so, how was Vermont?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Emily is…incredible. I mean there-there are no words to describe it,
|
||
I mean the whole weekend was like a dream. (Sees Rachel coming back from the bathroom.)
|
||
Oh! And you! Rach!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey! You were so right!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh, what you said, about us being in a place where we could finally be
|
||
happy for each other. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, hmm.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I mean, I, I-I admit I-I wasn’t quite there. Y’know, I mean the
|
||
thought of you and that-that Josh guy…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Joshua.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Joshua…guy at that club, dancing and having a good time, the thought
|
||
of it kinda…y’know.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, I…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> But now! I’m there! I’m totally there! I’m-I’m finally
|
||
where you are!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, thank goodness!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, no problem. I’m so glad I could help. Happy for you. (She
|
||
playfully punches him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Happy for you. (He punches her back.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No, happy for you! (Hits him harder.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Closing Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is there and is getting
|
||
ready to direct a bunch of strippers, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe on what to do in the
|
||
upcoming orgy of lesbian lust. Yes, it’s a dream sequence, this isn’t cable.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> All right ladies, here’s what we’re gonna do. (Points to a
|
||
stripper.) <b>You</b> are gonna take off my clothes. (To another two strippers) You two,
|
||
go get the oils. (To another stripper) And you just constantly scream at the top of your
|
||
voice, "Chandler’s the king! Chandler’s the king!"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I-I wanna be with her, (points to the stripper next to her) I like her.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, that’s fine! Go with your instincts, go with your instincts.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Wait, now, what am I doing again?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Come on! Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at any
|
||
moment!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cigarette Guy:</b> Hi, I’m Joshua, I’m here to pick up Rachel.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No-no-no, that’ not Joshua.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What do you want from me, I’ve never met the guy. So anyway,
|
||
Rachel, I’m sorry you can’t stay, (Rachel is upset about leaving the orgy with
|
||
the cigarette guy.) but the rest of us have a <b>lot</b> of work to do. (The cigarette guy
|
||
starts rubbing Chandler’s back.) What are you doing? (The guy just nods) All right,
|
||
listen, I’ve got to wake up!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |