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<title>The One With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss</title>
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<h1 align="center">The One With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters, happily.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Good, you guys are all here!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey! What's up?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, I have a job interview at <i>Ralph Lauren</i> tomorrow!</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Congratulations! Ohh, that's great!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I know!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Boy, that guy's underwear sucks!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wh-what?!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I got this pair marked excess, I gotta tell ya, there was no room for
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excess anything in there.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll
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work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Wow! Well, if you nail the interview, you'll get it!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You wanna work on your interview skills?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> O-okay!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay! All right, let's start with the handshake. Hi.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi. </p>
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<p>(They shake hands.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Very good handshake, good wrist action.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Let me try. (Gets up to join them.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay. (They shake hands and she pulls away suddenly) Oh my God! What did
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I ever do to you?! (Rubbing her hand.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Did I squeeze it too hard?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Let's just say, I'm glad I'm not Chandler.</p>
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<p>(Chandler tries to comprehend that remark.)</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the window waving at Ross.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> That's right Ross, I can see you in your new apartment! And you can see
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me! Same as yesterday, (To Monica) same as the day before.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Is he doing his shark attack bit yet?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Nope. Op, wait! There he goes. </p>
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<p>(We see Ross through the window and he acts like a swimmer that gets attacked by a
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shark, picture one of the many, many, many <i>Jaws</i> movies they made and you get the
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idea.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (waving) Very funny Ross! Very life-like and funny. Okay. (Notices that a
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woman is waving back.) Oh no-no-no, I wasn't waving at you lady. (She just stares at him.)
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(Joey sees how beautiful she is.) Whoa, maybe I was! Hey, Monica, this totally hot girl in
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Ross's building is flirting with me.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Get in there man! Flirt back, mix it up!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, I-I-I'm down with that. (He turns back to the woman.) Okay, here
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goes. (Thinks.) How (Holds up his hand like an Indian) you (Points at her) a-doin'? (Does
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a little twisting motion with both hands and ends up pointing at her, he then winks. She
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smiles and waves again.) (To Monica) It worked! She's waving me over. (Towards the woman.)
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Okay, I-I-I'll be right over. Let's see, she's on the third floor<6F></p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (joining him) Wow! She is pretty, huh?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Tell me about it, huh? (Realizes that she can see Monica.) Oh no-no-no,
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I'm not with her, she's just Monica! (He pantomimes that out.) Ewwuck! (He pushes Monica
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away and makes a disgusted face.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Ross's Building, Joey is trying to find the hot girl's apartment. So he's
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walking up the hallway counting doors. He comes to what he thinks is the right one and
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knocks on it. Ross opens the door, it's his apartment.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey Joey! Great stuff huh?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> This is your place?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Of course it is. Yeah, come on in. Ooh-ooh, go by the window you can
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pretend to be surfing. (He pretends he's surfing by the window.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> But I counted, you're not supposed to live here! Oh man! (Runs away.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering again.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Ugh!!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What happened?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I ended up at Ross's place. Oh, I musta missed counted or something.
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(Looks out the window.) Damn! She's not there anymore. Oh, l-l-look, Ross is doing his
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'Watching TV' bit. (We see Ross sitting on the couch and flipping through the channels on
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his remote.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No Joey, I think he's just watchin' TV. </p>
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<p>(It's only when the camera cuts to Ross's apartment that we see that the TV is turned
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off and Ross is indeed doing a bit. He then tries to hide his smirk.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day, Gary is kissing Phoebe good-bye.]</p>
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<p><strong>Gary's Radio: </strong>We've lost visual contact with the suspect.</p>
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<p><b>Gary:</b> Okay, now I've really have to go!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> But it's just so unfair that our date has to get cut short just 'cause
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some guy shot at a store clerk.</p>
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<p><b>Gary:</b> I know, but it's my job, sweethart!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, then maybe I can come too!</p>
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<p><strong>Gary's Radio: </strong>Suspect has just emerged naked from the sewer.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right, you go. (They kiss.)</p>
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<p><b>Gary:</b> Bye-bye.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> 'Kay, bye!</p>
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<p>(Gary closes the door behind him.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh God!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh I just miss him so much!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Wow! For just a week you guys are really close, huh?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, it's weird. I can't help it though he's so sweet, he's like this
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little puppy dog, y'know? But like a really tough one that shots bad guys. Ohh, I just <b>love</b>
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beginning parts of relationships, y'know?! You just like can't keep your hands off each
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other.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I know it is the best.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> So-so how long did that last for you and Chandler?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What? It's still going on.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Come on, seriously! When did it end?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I-I am serious, I mean, we're, we're all over each other all the time.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, you know where you are better than I do. I was just curious.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (Start annoying hyper-competitive mode now.) (Jumping up) What don't you
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just calm down Phoebe! All right?! Why don<6F>t you just get all your facts before you
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run around telling everybody that you're the only hot couple!!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (Under her breath) God, I woke the beast. Sorry. (To Monica) I was <b>wrong</b>
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obviously, I just<73>I misspoke. It's okay.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh no, it <b>is</b> okay, I mean as long as you know that Chandler and I
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are also very hot and fiery, just as hot as you! I mean our flame, whew, is on fire!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (entering) Hey Monica, here's your broom back.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You are so cute. (She goes over and kisses him passionately.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler and Joey are there as Rachel
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returns from her interview.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh hey, how'd the interview go?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ugh, horrible! I did the stupidest, most embarrassing thing!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Did you tell the guy you wanted to have sex with his wife and then fall
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right out of your chair?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> So what happened?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ugh, it was horrible! And-and the interview part went so well, y'know? I
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even made him laugh. He said something about a boat and I was like, "Well, yeah! If
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you've got enough life jackets!" (She starts laughing; Chandler and Joey are not
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amused.) Trust me, it was actually, it was very funny. Anyway, so we were saying good-bye
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and ugh!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> What happened?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (We see a flashback as Rachel describes what happened.) All right, we
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were shaking hands and he kinda leaned toward me<6D> Y'know maybe he was going to open
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the door, but I totally miss read him and I uhhh<68> (The flashback shows that she
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kissed him on the cheek.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> You kissed him?!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, I didn't know what else to do!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well you coulda tried, not kissing him.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Thanks Chandler.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (entering from the bathroom) Hey Rach, a guy from <i>Ralph Lauren</i>
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called, you got a second interview!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I can't believe it! I got a second interview!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yes!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I bet that kiss isn't looking like such a big mistake now, is it?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What-what, wait a minute, you don't think that's why he wants me back?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah! (Chandler makes a noise) No?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> A kiss? What are you talking about?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I accidentally kissed him in the interview, and now he wants me back
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y'know of course, 'cause "Let's bring the girl back who kisses everybody!"</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Come on, Rach.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my God! What if he thinks I'm the kind of girl that-that would just
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sleep with him?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> He probably wants you back because you're right for the job.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Maybe. I-I don't know<6F>Oh God, how could I be so stupid?!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh Rachel look, don't say that, I think you just need a hug from Joey.
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Come on. Come on. (She hugs him and Joey looks out the window.) She's back! Hot girl's
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back!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh, well I'm not totally back yet, but thank you.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No, in Ross's building! (He throws Rachel onto the chair and heads to the
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window.) She's back! She's back! (Pantomimes) Okay, wait there, I'll be over in a second.
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(He counts where she is again.) Got it! (Runs out and does a little hot over a chair.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I gotta check out this hot girl! (He heads to the window but realizes
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something, stops, turns and points at Monica.) There she is! (He dances over to her and
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kisses her.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Ross's building, Joey is knocking on a door again. It's again answered by
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Ross.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Damnit!! Did you move?!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yes. I lived with you guys for a while and then I found this place. (Joey
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just stares at him) I'm Ross.</p>
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<p>(Joey makes a frustrated face and noise and walks away. He knocks on the next door and
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it's answered by an old man.)</p>
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<p><b>The Old Man:</b> Yes?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (Looking around) Uhh do you happen to have a hot girl in there?</p>
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<p><b>The Old Man:</b> No. I'm all alone.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah. Sorry about that. (He walks away and knocks on the next door which
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is answered by a little girl.) Oh, hey little girl. Uhh, is-is your mommy, or sister, or
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babysitter by any chance a hot girl?</p>
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<p><b>The Little Girl:</b> Daddy!!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Later! (He runs away down the hall and hides behind a corner to a whole
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other corridor.) Oh man! (Walks down the hallway in desperation.) Hot girl! Hot girl!!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Rachel's job interview, she is waiting outside Mr. Zelner's (the interviewer)
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office banging her pen between her teeth.]</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Zelner:</b> Hi Rachel!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Zelner:</b> Come on in.</p>
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<p>(They go inside.)</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Zelner:</b> It's really nice to see you again.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Thank you.</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Zelner:</b> (Sees that she has some ink on her lip from her pen.) Oh Rachel,
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uhh<EFBFBD> (He points to his lip to get her to notice the ink on hers.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Zelner:</b> Just ah<61> (He points again.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Excuse me?</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Zelner:</b> Here let me<6D> (He goes to wipe it off himself.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (stopping him) Wh-whoa! All right, okay-okay, I see, I see what's going
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on here! Now listen, look-look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am <b>not</b>
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some hussy who will just sleep around to get ahead! Now even though I (He tries to
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interrupt and tell her about the ink), hey-hey-hey, even though I kissed you, that does
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not give you the right to demand sex from me. I do not want, <b>this</b> job <b>that</b>
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bad. Good day, sir. (She storms out of his office.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning from her interview attempt.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (entering) Ugh, you will not <b>believe</b> what that sleaze-ball from <i>Ralph
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Lauren</i> did too me!</p>
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<p>(Joey, Monica, and Ross all point to their lips to get Rachel to once again notice the
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ink on her lip.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay-okay that-that's amazing. How did you know that?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You got ink on your lip.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh. (Realizes.) Ohhhhhhhhh<68>.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Gary and Chandler and Monica are all there.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Gary) So what do you say, maybe sometime I hold your gun?</p>
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<p><b>Gary:</b> I don't know man, we're really not supposed to do that.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, what can happen? I mean, would you<6F> (He gestures and spills
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some of his coffee.)</p>
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<p><b>Gary:</b> Yeah, I'm gonna say no.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe, do you want to go see a movie after dinner tonight?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh we can't, we already have plans.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What are you doing?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, same thing we did all day, hang out at Gary's apartment. He is so
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amazing, we never left the bedroom. But have fun at the movie.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (That annoying competitiveness thing kicks in again, what the heck <b>is</b>
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that with her and why must the writers show it every flippin' episode?!) Oh, we're not
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seeing a movie!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You're not? Then why did you ask us if we wanted to go?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh umm, that's because I just wanted to y'know walk in on me and
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Chandler while we were, y'know, doing it all night. Will you excuse me for just a second?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. (She gets up and walks over to Chandler.) Chandler? Can I see you
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for a second?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Uh, yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. (They walk away to get some privacy.) We have <b>got</b> to beat
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them! {Here we go yet again.}</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Why?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> 'Cause, Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ohh, so?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> So! So we've got to go upstairs and have a lot of sex to prove them
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wrong!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Monica, you have <b>got</b> to stop this competitive thing! Okay? It's
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crazy. {Finally! The voice of reason.} I mean, just impress Gary and Phoebe we have to go
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upstairs and have sex over and over and I'm saying no to this, why? Get your coat.</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: The lobby in Ross's building, we see a flyer that is on the bulletin board that
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reads, "Are you the Hot Girl who waved at me? If so, give me a call!" and it's
|
||
signed, Joey 629-9*** (The last couple of numbers have been ripped off). Anyhoo, Ross is
|
||
getting his mail.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (to the woman checking her mail next to him) Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(A man walks up.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Man:</b> (To Ross) Excuse me. (He puts up a flyer that has a sketch drawing of
|
||
Joey and it reads, "Warning! Intruder! If you see this creep - call the cops!")
|
||
You should check this out, tell the other tenants. Apparently he's running around looking
|
||
for some kind of a hot girl.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (to the woman checking her mail) Who isn't? </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(For the first time we see that the woman Ross is talking too is in fact the hot girl
|
||
that Joey is looking for. She just kinda stares at him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I don't, I don't think we've meet. I-I'm Ross.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Hot Girl:</b> I know. You're the guy who wouldn't chip in for the handyman.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Nevermind! (Goes back to his mailbox.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Hot Girl:</b> No, I-I actually thought it was unfair the way everyone reacted. I
|
||
mean you had just moved in.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I <b>had</b> just moved in. Thank you! Listen umm<6D></p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Hot Girl:</b> Jen.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Jen, I know this may sound a little<6C>(makes some kind of crazy noise)
|
||
But uh, would you maybe wanna grab a cup of coffee sometime, or<6F></p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jen:</b> Sure! That would be nice.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Umm?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jen:</b> Oh! My number is on there. (Hands him a business card.) Give me a call.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I will give you a call.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jen:</b> I'll see you later. (Starts to walk away.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(After she's left, Ross gets really happy and starts kissing the card. Suddenly, she
|
||
returns.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jen:</b> I forgot my paper. (Ross quickly hides the card in his mouth.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, a post-coital Monica and Chandler are recovering on the
|
||
couch.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> That was amazing!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe and Gary are <b>so</b> gonna hear about this at dinner.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> That was amazing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> We are the hottest! Huh? <b>No one</b> is hotter than we are! You're the
|
||
best.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, you're the best.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No, you're the best.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, you're the best.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I <b>am</b> the best.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Just as they start to get up, Joey walks in.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey guys! (Sees their state of undress) What 'cha been doin'?
|
||
(Has a silly grin.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (looking out the window) Hey Joey! Isn't that the girl that waved at you
|
||
the other day?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I don't know. But I can see through your sheet. (He looks out the window.)
|
||
Yeah, yeah, that's her. But y'know what? Doesn't matter, I'm never gonna get to meet her
|
||
anyway.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Why?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Because it's impossible to find her apartment! She lives in some like of
|
||
hot girl parallel universe, or something.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What are you talking about? (Pointing out the window.) She obviously
|
||
lives on the second floor, seventh apartment from the left!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> No. No. No. She lives on the <b>third</b> floor, <b>eighth</b> apartment
|
||
from the left.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No, those first two windows, (Points) that's the lobby. And y'know the
|
||
other one over there, that's the stairway. You've been counting wrong.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I did <b>not</b> know that! Thank you Monica. (Starts to leave) I can't
|
||
believe I almost lost another girl because of counting.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Jen's apartment, Ross is picking her up for their date.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> So uhh, you ready?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jen:</b> Sure, I'll just get my coat. (There's a knock on the door.) Could you get
|
||
that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Sure. (He opens the door to Joey. Needless to say, Joey's stunned.)
|
||
Joey<EFBFBD></p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Dahhhhh!! (Ross has a puzzled look on his face.) No! Noooo!! (Storms off.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Mr. Zelner's office, Rachel has come back again to try and do that second
|
||
interview.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ah, first, I-I would like to say thank you for agreeing to see me again.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mr. Zelner:</b> That's quite all right, but I feel obligated to tell you that this
|
||
meeting is being videotaped.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (looks around for the camera) Okay. Umm, well, first I would like to
|
||
start by apologizing for kissing you and uh, for yelling at you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mr. Zelner:</b> Fair enough.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Now you're probably going to hire one of the people who did not ah, (She
|
||
puts her hands on his desk blotter and he moves it. Rachel then doesn't know where to put
|
||
her hands.) who did, who did not umm, yell at you and storm out, and I think that's a big
|
||
mistake and here's why. I made a huge fool of myself and I came back, that shows courage.
|
||
When I thought you wanted sex in exchange for this job, I said no. That shows integrity.
|
||
And, I was not afraid to stand up for myself and that shows courage. (Suddenly realizes
|
||
that she said courage twice.) Okay umm, now I know I already said courage, but y'know you
|
||
gotta have courage. And umm, and finally when I thought you were making sexual advances in
|
||
the workplace, I said no and I was not litigious. {By the way, litigious means to want to
|
||
litigate and litigate is to make a lawsuit against. So she didn't want to sue him.
|
||
Don't worry, I had to look it up too.} So there you go, you got, you got (counts
|
||
them off with her fingers) courage, you got integrity, you got (Pause) courage again, and
|
||
not litigious. Look Mr<4D></p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mr. Zelner:</b> Zelner.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Zelner! Right! I knew that! I really, really want this job and I think,
|
||
I think I would be really good at it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mr. Zelner:</b> Y'know what? I may regret this but uh, I'm going to give you a shot.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (gasps) Oh! You are?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mr. Zelner:</b> Um-hmm.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Really? Oh thank you! Oh<4F> Oh, would it be completely inappropriate
|
||
to give you a hug?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mr. Zelner:</b> Yes!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, well then how about a handshake? (She goes to shake his hand but
|
||
misses and touches his groin.) Oh God I'm sorry! Oh God, I'm sorry! I did not mean to
|
||
touch that<61>I mean <b>you</b> there. There. Uhh, okay, so thank-thank you, I'm going
|
||
to leave now thank you very much uh-huh, thank you so<73>Hey! I'll see you Monday!
|
||
(Exits.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: A restaurant, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Gary are on a double date. Chandler
|
||
is yawning.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You tired Chandler?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You better believe he's tired, after the day we had! If you know what I
|
||
mean. You know what I mean?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Honey, the tortilla chips know what you mean.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Gary:</b> So uh Chandler, you like that badge I got you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh yeah, it's so cool. (He opens his coat and has it pinned to the
|
||
lining.) Now I gotta go, Officer Bing has gotta, 10-100. (Pause, softly) That's pee-pee.
|
||
(Heads for the bathroom.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe, you have a, a twig in your hair.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ohh, (laughs) umm, we kinda took a little detour on the way over here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Gary:</b> Yeah, we took a little stroll in the park and no one was around, so<73></p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You didn't!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> We did! We violated Section 12 Paragraph 7 of the criminal code!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> The park huh? A public place.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Gary:</b> Uh-huh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I hear ya. Excuse me for just a second! (Gets up and heads for the
|
||
bathroom as that annoying Gotta-win-at-all-costs-super-competitive thing kicks in again.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to the Men's room. Chandler is practicing flashing his badge as Monica enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hi Chandler.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Monica! This is the Men's room! (Pause) Isn't it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yes it is. You see I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual.
|
||
Haven't you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out. Monica, this is
|
||
getting ridiculous!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Come on, we <b>can't</b> let them win!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ugh, we have already proved that we are hot! Okay? So why-why are you
|
||
getting so obsessed about this thing?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Because Phoebe and Gary are in
|
||
that-can't-keep-their-hands-off-each-other-doing-it-in-the-park phase!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (gasps) So?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I feel really sad that we're not<6F>really there anymore.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh wow! Is that what this all have been about?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Wasn't it a lot more exciting when we were y'know all over each other
|
||
all the time?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah that was great. That was really great! But to tell you the truth,
|
||
I'm more excited about where we are right now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Really?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah! I've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long
|
||
before. Y'know to get past the beginning and still be around each other all the time, I
|
||
think that's pretty incredible. And the fact that this is happening all with you, yeah I
|
||
think that's pretty exciting. (Kisses her.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> That is so sweet. I know that I was acting a little crazy but umm, I
|
||
feel the same way.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah. (They hug.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Y'know what I just realized? You just freaked out about our
|
||
relationship.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Did not.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes you did! Admit it! You freaked out!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, I freaked out a little.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Little?! You freaked out big time! Okay? And I fixed it! We have
|
||
switched places! <b>I</b> am the relationship and king and you are the crazy, irrational
|
||
screw up! (Does a dance of joy.) (Monica glares at him.) And now we're back.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Ending Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Looking through Ross's window, he's doing more pantomimes. The first one is
|
||
he's walking a dog that has stopped, then suddenly tugs him forward.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to the inside of Monica and Rachel's apartment, Monica and Rachel are sitting at
|
||
the table.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (laughs) I cannot believe Ross is buying this!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Thank God! I can't watch him anymore!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (entering) You guys ready fore the movies?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah! Oh by the way, thank you for loaning us Pamela and Yasmine. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(We see through the big window from the outside and see that Monica and Rachel have
|
||
pictures of their faces pasted onto cardboard cutouts of Pamela Anderson and Yasmine
|
||
Bleeth wearing their <i>Baywatch</i> swimsuits.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (from his apartment) Man! They cannot get enough! (Makes like he's a robot
|
||
and waves at the cutouts.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<hr>
|
||
|
||
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|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |