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<!-- saved from url=(0055)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season8/820towbs.htm -->
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<title>The One With The Baby Shower</title>
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<h1 align="center">The One With The Baby Shower</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:webmaster@thecfsi.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for Rachel’s baby
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shower.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (entering) Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> So what’s the final head count on my baby shower?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> About twenty, a couple people from work who had something else to do. </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Also both of your sisters called and neither can make it.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?! You mean they’re not coming to a social event where
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there’s no men and there’s no booze?! That’s shocking! I don’t care,
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as long as my mom’s here.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God, your mother!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?! My mom’s not gonna be here?!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, given that we forgot to invite her it would be an awfully big
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coincidence if she was.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> My God!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well it wasn’t my fault, Phoebe was in charge of the invitations!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well I don’t, I don’t have a mother so often I forget that
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other people…</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (interrupting her) Oh give it a rest!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No. (Pause) Neither is mine.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, y’know what? Don’t worry, okay? We’ll take care of
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it. We’ll call her. Just go home and get ready.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Please, make sure she comes. It’s really important to me, I mean
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it’s my mom!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I know. I know, what’s her number?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I don’t know.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Go! I have it in my book. Go! (Rachel leaves and Monica calls Mrs.
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Green.) (To Phoebe) Wait a minute! If you’re in charge of the invitations why am I
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the one who has to call her—Hello Mrs. Green! Hi, it’s Monica Geller.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Oh, hello Monica.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (on phone) Hi, umm I know this is last minute, but we’ve decided to
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throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> I know, my daughter’s told me about it when they received their
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impromptu invitations a month ago.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m-I’m so sorry.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> For what dear? For not inviting me or lying about it?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (To Phoebe) Oh my God, my ass is sweating! (on phone) Please! Please!
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Can you come? It’s today at four.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Well all right. I’ll see you at four.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Thank you. (Hangs up.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Isn’t it at three?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Son of a bitch! (Calls Mrs. Green again.)</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Joey's Apartment, Joey is reading a script as Ross and Chandler enter carrying
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a basketball.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey Joe! You wanna shoot some hoops?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh no, I can’t go. I’m practicing; I got an audition to be the
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host of a new game show.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh cool!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> That’s great.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah-yeah, and if I get it by day I’ll (In a sexy voice) Dr. Drake
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Remoray, but by night I’ll be (In an announcer’s voice) Joey Trrrribbiani!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You’ll be perfect for this! That’s already your name!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> But the audition’s in a couple hours and I don’t even understand
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the game.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well do you want some help?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh really? That’d be great! You guys can be the contestants!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Awesome!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, I guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (announcer voice) All right! Let’s play Bamboozled!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Bamboozled?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, isn’t that a cool name?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (simultaneously with Chandler) Yeah!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (simultaneously with Ross) No!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right. Uhh, okay. Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why don’t
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you tell us a little something about you Ross?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well uh, I-I’m a paleontologist. Umm, I-I live in New York. I have a
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son Ben. Uh, hi Ben! (Waves.) And uh…</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I said a little bit Ross. Now, how about you Chandler?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well Joey, I’m a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet
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scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi Rasputin! (Waves.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Excellent! Let’s play Bamboozled! Chandler, you’ll go first.
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What is the capital of Columbia?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Bogota.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> It’s Ba-go-ta, but close enough. Now, you can either pass your turn
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to Ross or pick a Wicked Wango card.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> What does a Wicked Wango card do?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I should know that. Let’s see, just one moment please. Umm, here we
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are, a Wicked Wango card determines whether you go higher or lower.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Higher or lower than what?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> This is embarrassing. (Looks it up.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Ross) Can you believe how lame this is?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I’m sorry, I don’t believe contestants are allowed to talk to
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each other.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel’s baby shower is underway. Monica and Phoebe
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are working in the kitchen.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, I told the stripper to be here at five. That’s good right?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You ordered a stripper for the shower?! That is totally inappropriate!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What? He’s gonna be dressed as a baby! (Mrs. Green enters.) Oh hi
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Mrs. Green!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I’m so glad you could make it.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yes, thank you so much. And again, we’re so sorry. We could not
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feel worse about it.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Try. There’s my little girl. (Goes over to Rachel.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> She’s still mad.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah I know. Isn’t it great? One less person we have to make small
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talk with.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe, Sandra’s mad at you too. It-it doesn’t bother you?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No look, we’ve apologized twice! I can’t do anymore than that.
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I know you hate it when people are mad at you but you just have to be okay with it.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. I can do that. (Pause) I gotta go powder my ass.</p>
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<p>[Cut to Rachel and Mrs. Green.]</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Look at that face! Just like when you were in high school! If I
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didn’t know better I’d say you were a cheerleader in trouble. Come on,
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let’s get some tea.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. (Mrs. Green helps her up and they walk over and get some tea.)</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Oh my look at that. Only three weeks to go, now have you picked your
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nanny yet? Now I don’t want you to use your housekeeper ‘cause it would just
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split her focus.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh well actually gonna use a nanny and uh, I don’t even have a
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housekeeper.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> It’s like you’re a cave person. Rachel, you must get a
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nanny. You don’t know how overwhelming this is going to be. I mean when you were a
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baby I had full time help, I had Mrs. Kay.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Mrs. Kay! Oh yeah, she was sweet. She taught me Spanish. I actually
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think I remember some of it, tu madre es loca. (I think that’s your mother’s
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crazy.)</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Such a sweet woman.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, however great she was I just can’t afford that.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Oh Rachel!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> I just had the greatest idea! I’m gonna come live with you!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wh-wh-what? What?</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Oh, I’m so happy I’m gonna do this for my little girl. Aw,
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look at you. You have tears in your eyes.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes. Yes I do.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing Bamboozled.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right Ross you’re in the lead, would you like to take another
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question or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> The wheel has not been my friend tonight Joey. Uh, I’ll take another
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question. </p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay, this is gonna be tough. Hold your breath.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> It’s okay, I’m ready.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No dude, you gotta hold your breath until you’re ready to answer the
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question.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> This is ridiculous, he’s not gonna hold his breath… (Ross
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cuts him off by taking a deep breath and holding it.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay, what do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia,
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Tris…Holy cow, that’s a big word. Trisc… Seriously look at this thing.
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Chandler, how do you say that?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Let me see that.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> This one right here. (Ross whines.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Triscadecaphobia.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (exhaling) The fear of <i>Triscuts</i>! </p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No! No, fear of the number 13.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Fear of <i>Triscuts</i>?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> It’s possible, they have really sharp edges.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right Chandler, you’re up.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Wait a minute, I-I believe I’m entitled to use my Angel Pass for a
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free turn?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> This game makes no sense!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Y’know what? You’re just upset because you’re losing.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh come on Ross, I think we’re all losers here.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right. Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Let me think. Let me think—Oh! I don’t care.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> You-you must choose Mr. Bing.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Either, it makes no difference.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Choose, you jackass!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’ll take a card.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay, you picked the Gimmie card! You get all of Ross’s points!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What?!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> This game is kinda fun.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (To Chandler) You don’t think it’s a little crazy that you get
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all my points just ‘cause you…</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I don’t think the contestants are supposed to speak to each
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other.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower is continuing as Rachel walks over to
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Monica and Phoebe.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Why did you invite my mother?!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> For how long?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Eight weeks. I mean I love my mother, but my God, a long lunch with her
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is taxing.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> She can’t hear you.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What? You guys, come on! What am I going to do?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, if you don’t want your mother to move in with you, just tell
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her.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> You’re right. You’re right. I mean I’m about to have a
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baby, I can tell my mother that I don’t want her to just be sleeping on my couch! Oh
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my God! She’s gonna want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> That’s right. That is right, you go over there and tell her you
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don’t want her to live with you. Do <b>not</b> take no for an answer!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. (She goes over to tell her mother.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (To Phoebe) This is great! Now she’s gonna be mad at Rachel!
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Y’know what? And I’m just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she
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never had.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I have new respect for Chandler. All right everybody! It’s time to
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open the presents!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yes! Yes! And <b>I</b> think that the first gift that Rachel opens
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should be from the grandmother of the baby, because you’re the most important person
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in this room. And in the world!</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Well uh, I don’t have a gift because I wasn’t invited
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until the last minute, but thank you so much for bringing that to everyone’s
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attention.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> How about you less important people, let’s open your presents!</p>
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<p>(Mrs. Green goes into the kitchen and Rachel follows her.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Mom that’s okay that you didn’t get you a gift!</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Well, I kinda did. Me. Eight weeks of me.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh yeah. Okay, see mom, the truth is I can do this on my own.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Sweetheart I know you’re gonna be terrific mom, I just think
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you need a little help, especially at the beginning.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> But mom, I really know what I’m doing. I can handle this.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Really? Remember Twinkles?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> He was a hamster! I am not going to vacuum up my baby!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, come on Rach it’s present time! Y’know you’re the
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glue that’s holding this whole party together. It’s kinda falling apart here.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Oh look.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, this is from your friend at work.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my gosh! Oh wow! Oh, I know what this is! (She’s holding an item
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with a large suction cup connected to a yellow plastic box, with a long narrow tube and
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bottle connected the yellow part.) Wait a minute. That can’t be right. Is that a beer
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bong for a baby?</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Darling, that’s a breast pump!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Did I say I was done guessing? Okay, thank you for that. Oh wow!
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What’s this?</p>
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<p><b>Woman:</b> It’s a diaper genie.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, it dispenses clean diapers!</p>
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<p><b>Woman:</b> No! It’s where you put the dirty ones!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well that’s gross, why don’t you just take it outside and
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throw it in a dumpster?</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Oh you’re gonna do that ten times a day?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?! It goes ten times a day! What are we feeding this baby?! Indian
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food?!</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> No dear, that’s what babies do.</p>
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|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Rachel, listen to your mother. She is very smart.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Plus, what are you planning on doing with the baby while you’re
|
||
trotting out to the garbage ten times a day?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I don’t know, I’d leave it on the changing table? (Everyone
|
||
gasps.) What?! What’d I do? What’d I do?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> You can’t leave a baby alone!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh come—(Stutters)—Of course I know that. I mean of course you
|
||
never leave a baby alone! I mean who would—she wouldn’t be safe as she would be
|
||
with me, the baby dummy. Oh God, okay. Y’know what? I think opening the presents
|
||
right now is a little overwhelming right now. So I think umm, I’m just gonna maybe
|
||
open them a little bit later, but thank you all for coming. And for these beautiful gifts,
|
||
and this basket is beautiful.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Woman:</b> It’s actually a bassinet. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay mommy, don’t ever leave me. (Hugs her.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing the game only everyone is really
|
||
into it.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (To Chandler) In what John Houston film would you hear this line,
|
||
"Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> <i>Treasure of the Sierra Madre</i>!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Correct! There’s a possible backwards bonus!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Madre Sierra the of Treasure!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yes!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’d like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut
|
||
please.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Wise choice, how many rungs?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Six!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (makes a sound like a monkey) That noise can only me one thing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (disappointed and simultaneously as Ross) Hungry monkey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (excited and simultaneously as Chandler) Hungry monkey! (To Chandler)
|
||
Haaa! (To Joey) I’d like a Wicked Wango card!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay, it’s an audio question, name this television theme song.
|
||
(Starts humming the theme to <i>I Dream of Genie</i>.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (thinking) Oh. (Pause) Oh! Oh my God! Okay, I know this, give me-give me a
|
||
second!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Tell it to the Time Turtle!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Shut up! <i>I Dream of Genie</i>!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yes! Yes, you’re back in the lead!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I’d like to spin the wheel!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey makes a sound like a game show wheel spinning with the pointer bouncing off of
|
||
the bars on the wheel as it slows and comes to a stop.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (annoyed) Oh come on!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> All right! All right! Uh, umm, Super-Speedy Speed round!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Is there a hopping bonus?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Of course!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross gets up and starts to hop on one leg.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Who invented bifocals? </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Ben Franklin.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Correct! Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Queen Victoria.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Correct again! But, you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no
|
||
hopping bonus!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Noooo!!! Every time!!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Now, over to Chandler.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’d like a Google Card.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Are you sure?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes! (Pause) No! (Pause) Google!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh my God! Congratulations Ross, because Chandler, you’ve been
|
||
Bamboozled!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Nooo!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> This is the best game ever!!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower has ended and everyone except for Mrs.
|
||
Green have left who is talking to Rachel while Monica and Phoebe are cleaning up.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> So umm, you’re gonna stay with me as long as I need you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Of course I am!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh mom, I swear I’m not an idiot. I’ve read all kinds of books
|
||
on pregnancy and giving birth, but I-I just didn’t think to read the part about what
|
||
to do when the baby comes. And-and then guess what? The baby’s coming and I
|
||
don’t know what to do. Oh, can I throw up in my diaper genie?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> No. Sweetie, you’re gonna be fine. (Starts to get up.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wait-wait where are you going? Where are you going?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> I’m going to the bathroom.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Now don’t worry! Everything’s gonna be okay. (Hugs Rachel
|
||
while she is standing and Rachel is sitting, seeing this Monica decides to join in on the
|
||
hugging by hugging Mrs. Green from behind her back.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> It <b>is</b> going to be okay! (Mrs. Green glances over her shoulder and
|
||
glares at Monica while she heads for the bathroom.) It was worth a shot.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (entering, out of breath) Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey! Why are you all red and sweaty?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I just Bamboozled Chandler! (Flexes in victory while everyone stares at
|
||
him.) Which is not uh sexual thing. That was a quick shower.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Not if you were here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Wow! It looks like we got a lot of good stuff.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh we did, but my mom got us the greatest gift of all.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (excited) A <i>Play-Dough</i> Barber Shop?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No. She’s going to live with us for eight weeks.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh, what?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes! She’s gonna help us take care of the baby! Woo-hoo. (Sees that
|
||
Ross isn’t happy.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What—You’re not serious. I mean she’s a very nice woman,
|
||
but there is no way we can take eight weeks of her. She’ll drive us totally crazy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> (entering from bathroom) Hi Ross!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi roomie! (Hugs her and looks at Rachel.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey’s Audition, Joey is being shown in.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Man:</b> Hey Joey, hi! I’m Ray; I’m the producer of the show.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (announcer voice) It’s a pleasure to meet you Ray.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ray:</b> And this is Duncan (points to the cameraman) and Erin, they’re gonna
|
||
help us out with the audition. So uh, let’s get the camera rolling.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (announcer voice) Rightie-O Ray!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ray:</b> Whenever you’re ready.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (to the camera) Hello, I’m Joey Tribbiani! Let’s play
|
||
Bamboozled! Erin, you get the first question! In hockey, who is known as The Great One?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Erin:</b> Wayne Gretzky.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Correct! Now, would you like to pick a Wicked Wango card or spin the Wheel
|
||
of Mayhem?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ray:</b> Uh Joey, didn’t your agents give you the revised rules? We’ve
|
||
eliminated all of that. No wheel, no cards.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What—Why?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ray:</b> Uh well, the game was too complicated and research showed people
|
||
didn’t follow it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well what’s complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the
|
||
Ladder of Chance. You go past the Mud Hut through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden
|
||
Monkey; you yank his tail and boom! You’re in Paradise Pond!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ray:</b> Yeah all that’s gone. It’s basically just a simple question and
|
||
answer game now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well what’s fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring
|
||
game that’s just people standing around answering questions?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ray:</b> Well, there’ll be women in bikinis holding up the scores.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (announcer voice to the camera) Let’s play Bamboozled!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Mrs. Green is telling Ross what needs to be done to baby
|
||
proof his apartment.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> …and all those dinosaur nick-knacks you have Ross, I thought
|
||
they might be more at home in the garage.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well we…we don’t have a garage.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Did I say garage? I meant garbage.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Y’know what? Maybe, Mrs. Green, it’s not absolutely vital that
|
||
you live with us.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Well Rachel needs help with the baby.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I do. I really do. I don’t know anything.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I’m-I’m sure that’s not true.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh no? Pheebs? Monica? Do I know anything about babies?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, not a thing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> It’s frightening.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well uh, y’know what? Even if she doesn’t know anything, I do! I
|
||
have a son. And his mother and I didn’t live together, and whenever he was with me I
|
||
took care of him all the time, by myself.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> That’s true. You do have another child.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> With another woman. Have you no control Ross?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> That’s a different issue. Uh, the point is, when the baby comes I
|
||
will be there to…to feed her and bathe her and change her. And more than that I want
|
||
to do all those things.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Well then you really don’t need me to live with you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yes! Yes, you’re gonna be so missed.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> You’re gonna be a great father.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well you’re gonna be a wonderful grandma. (They hug.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hello?! I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, come on, every first time mother feels that way.
|
||
You’ll—you’re gonna pick it up. (Rachel doesn’t believe that.) Hey!
|
||
You will! Uh look, y’know when you first came to the city? You were this spoiled
|
||
helpless little girl who-who still used daddy’s credit card. Do you remember?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I hope you’re going somewhere with this.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look at you! What—You’re-you’re this big executive! You are
|
||
much more capable than you give yourself credit for. I-I have no doubt you’re gonna
|
||
be an incredible mother. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Really?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I’m telling you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Thank you. (Hugs him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> All right you two, I’m gonna get going.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh. (Rachel and he start to stand up.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Oh no-no-no-no sweetheart, you stay put. I’ll let myself out.
|
||
It’s like I’m not here, which I almost wasn’t.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (laughs) You’re still so funny. You’re so funny. (To Phoebe)
|
||
What do I do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Nothing! You have apologized to her like a million times and she’s
|
||
been <b>nothing </b>but terrible to you. And don’t forget you just threw her daughter
|
||
a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower, and she hasn’t even <b>thanked</b> you for
|
||
it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Y’know what? You’re-you’re right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah I mean if you want to say anything to her, I’d tell her off.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Really?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Uh-huh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay! I will! Mrs. Green? Mrs. Green! (She ignores Monica and Monica
|
||
follows her out into the hall with Phoebe in tow.) It is rude to leave a party without
|
||
saying good-bye to the host! Yeah, and-and also when someone apologizes to you the decent
|
||
thing to do is to accept it! Now what I did to you, it wasn’t on purpose! But what
|
||
you’re during to me now is just plain spiteful!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Green:</b> Spiteful?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> That’s right! Maybe it’s time you took a good hard look at a
|
||
mirror young lady…old lady…lady!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (To Monica) Wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> So whenever you’re ready to apologize to me, I will forgive you.
|
||
Good day! (Monica and Phoebe reenter the apartment and Monica closes the door on a stunned
|
||
Mrs. Green.) I can’t feel my legs!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You were fantastic! I’m so proud of you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah? I’m proud of me too.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You should be!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah could-could-could you get me something to drink?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You got it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. (When Phoebe turns around Monica runs out into the hall after Mrs.
|
||
Green.) Mrs. Green! Okay I’m really sorry!! I’m apologizing for the—(She
|
||
trips and falls down the stairs.) (Pause) Okay, I bit my tongue, but I’m <b>still</b>
|
||
really sorry!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Closing Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is helping Rachel study for when the baby comes.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (closing a book) Okay! I’m ready.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You sure?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes, I’ve done my studying and I really know my stuff.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> All right then. (Gets up, in an announcer’s voice) Rachel Green!
|
||
Let’s play Bamboozled! (Reading from a note card.) How do you test the temperature of
|
||
the baby’s bath water?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Uh, put your elbow in it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Excellent! How do you put a baby down for a nap?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Full, dry, on its back, and no loose covers.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> That’s correct! This is an audio question, what do you do when the
|
||
baby makes this sound? (Makes a sound like someone is choking a cat.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Check if it’s wet, check if it’s hungry, burp it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Excellent! Excellent, now-now do you want another question or a Wicked
|
||
Wango card?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> A card! A card! I pick a card!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, I’m sorry you’ve been Bamboozled! You’re gonna be a
|
||
terrible mother! (Rachel stares at him agape.) I’ve lost sight of why we’re
|
||
doing this! (Rachel gets up and walks away.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End </strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |