mirror of
https://github.com/bvanroll/startrek-ml.git
synced 2025-08-29 03:52:47 +00:00
738 lines
25 KiB
HTML
738 lines
25 KiB
HTML
|
||
<!-- saved from url=(0055)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season8/821towcc.htm -->
|
||
<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
|
||
<title>The One With The Cooking Class</title>
|
||
|
||
<meta name="GENERATOR" content="Microsoft FrontPage 3.0">
|
||
<meta name="Template" content="C:\Program Files\Microsoft Office\Templates\Friends.dot">
|
||
<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
|
||
|
||
<body bgcolor="#FFFFFF" link="#008000" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
|
||
|
||
<h1 align="center">The One With The Cooking Class</h1>
|
||
|
||
<hr>
|
||
|
||
<p>Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones<br>
|
||
Story by: Dana Klein Borkow<br>
|
||
Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:webmaster@thecfsi.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
|
||
|
||
<hr>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Monica as Ross enters carrying a huge
|
||
stack of newspapers.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey you guys I got some bad news. (He sets the stack of papers down on the
|
||
table.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well that’s no way to sell newspapers. Why don’t you try,
|
||
"Extra! Extra! Read all about it!"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No, Monica’s restaurant got a horrible review in the Post. (They all
|
||
gasp.) I didn’t want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all
|
||
the copies I could find. (He hands the paper to Phoebe and they all read it.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Man, this is bad! And I’ve had my share of bad reviews. I still
|
||
remember my first good one though. (Quoting) "Everything else in this production of <i>Our
|
||
Town</i> was simply terrible. Joey Tribbiani was abysmal."</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (entering) Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (seeing the stack of newspapers) Oh my God! Look at all the newspapers!
|
||
It must be a good review! Is it great?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Umm…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (reading) Oh dear God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> But the good news is, no one in a two-block radius will ever know.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What about the rest of Manhattan?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, they all know.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God, this is horrible!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’m so sorry.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I’m so humiliated!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah but y’know what they say Mon, "There’s no such thing
|
||
as bad press."</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You don’t think that umm, (reading) "The chef’s Mahi Mahi
|
||
was awful awful," is bad press?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I didn’t write it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Is he right? Am I really—Am I awful?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>All:</b> No!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah! Yeah Monica! You listen to me, okay? And I’m not just saying
|
||
this because I’m your friend, I’m sayin’ it ‘cause it’s the
|
||
truth. You’re food is abysmal!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, it’s late at night, Rachel is sitting on the couch in
|
||
the dark wide-awake as Ross walks to the bathroom.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (startling him) What?! What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I am freaking out!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Are ya?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> My due date is in one week! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What are you doing up?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> That is seven days!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay look, I had a lot of water before I went to bed. Can we do this
|
||
after…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (interrupting him) No-no-no-no-no Ross! Please, come on we do not have
|
||
any of the big stuff we need! We do not a changing table! We do not have a crib! We do not
|
||
have a diaper service!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> It’s funny you should mention diapers.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’m serious.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay look, there’s nothing to worry about. We have plenty of time.
|
||
There’s a great baby furniture store on west 10<sup>th</sup>. Tomorrow, we will go
|
||
there and we will get you everything that you need. Okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. Thank you. That’s great. Thank you. Wait-wait! Where on west
|
||
10<sup>th</sup>? Because there’s this really cute shoe store that has like this
|
||
little…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (interrupting her) Okay. Okay. If uh, if you’re gonna do this, then
|
||
I’m gonna do that. (Points to the bathroom.) So… (Starts for the bathroom.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (stopping him) Oh, wait Ross! I’m sorry, one more thing!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (annoyed) Yeah!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Umm, our situation. Y’know umm, what we mean to each other. And I
|
||
mean we-we’re having this baby together, and we live together. Isn’t that,
|
||
isn’t that weird?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (stunned) (thinks) Well uh…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’m just kidding! You can go pee! (He does so in a hurry.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is cooking as Chandler looks on.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey uh Monica, I can’t remember. Did we say we were gonna
|
||
meet here or at the movies?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> We said at the movies, but…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay, I’ll see you there. (Starts to leave) </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Joey! (He returns) Now that you’re here…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Sure, I can hang out ‘til I have to meet ya. (To Chandler) What
|
||
uh—How come you’re not going?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I have a job interview I have to get ready for.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I thought you already have a job.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> And people say you don’t pay attention. No, this is a much better
|
||
job. It’s vice-president of a company that does data reconfiguration and statistical
|
||
factoring for other companies.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Wow! How do you know how to do that?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> That’s what I do now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey Joey, come taste this.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What is it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Remember that guy that gave me a bad review? Well… (Feeds him a
|
||
spoonful of what she’s cooking.) I’m getting my revenge!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> You cooked him?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No. He teaches a course on food criticism at the New School, so before
|
||
we go to the movies I wanna go by there and make him try my bouillabaisse again. Oh, I
|
||
cannot wait to read the front page of the Post tomorrow! "Restaurant reviewer admits:
|
||
I was wrong about Monica."</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> The front page? You really do live in your own little world,
|
||
don’t ya?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Baby Furniture Store, Ross and Rachel are checking out.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cashier:</b> Do you uh, want these things delivered Mr. and Mrs. Geller?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No-no-no! No, no, no, we’re not married.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> We are having a baby together, but we’re not involved. (The cashier,
|
||
a very beautiful woman, looks confused) I mean, uh we-we were seeing each other a while
|
||
ago, but then we were just friends. And then there was one drunken night. (Rachel looks at
|
||
him angrily) Or, yes stranger, we’d like this delivered please.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cashier:</b> Why don’t you fill out this address card. (Hands him one.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cashier:</b> I notice you picked out a lot of our dinosaur items.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh yeah! Actually, that’s one of the reasons why we’re not a
|
||
couple.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I chose those, I’m a paleontologist.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cashier:</b> Really?! That is so cool!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh. Oh yeah, don’t get to worked up over it. I mean it-it sounds
|
||
like he’s a doctor, but he’s not.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cashier:</b> Oh no-no, I’m fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new
|
||
Walter Alvarez book?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah! I-I teach it in my class.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my God! I’m standing at a cash register, holding a credit card,
|
||
and I’m bored.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cashier:</b> (looking at the completed address card) Oh, I love your neighborhood.
|
||
There’s a great gym right around the corner from your building.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> That’s my gym.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cashier:</b> I can tell you work out. (Ross is please and Rachel looks at him
|
||
confused.) A paleontologist who works out, you’re like Indiana Jones. (Rachel has a
|
||
disbelieving look on her face.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I <b>am</b> like Indiana Jones.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi Pheebs!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey! Oh, how did baby shopping go?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, it was great! We got everything that we needed! Oh and Ross, almost
|
||
got something that wasn’t on the list. A whore.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, we were paying for our stuff and this saleswoman just started
|
||
flirting with him.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well did she know you two weren’t married?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh my God! Well the idea of a woman flirting with a-with a single man,
|
||
we-we must alert the church elders!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> You don’t understand! You didn’t see how brazen she was.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Sounds like you’re a little jealous.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! I’m not! I-I-I just think it’s wrong! It’s-it’s
|
||
that I’m—Here I am about to pop and he’s out picking up some shop girl at
|
||
Sluts ‘R’ Us!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Is that a real place? (Rachel’s stunned) Are they hiring?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (entering) Hey Phoebe! (To Rachel) Fatty!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey Chandler, why so fancy?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, I got a job interview. It’s kinda a big deal too. Its a lot
|
||
more money and I’d be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Wait, I think I know someone who does that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Me! I do that. So… Seriously, do I look okay? I’m little
|
||
nervous.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh yeah! You really—You look great.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, just don’t get your hopes up.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Why not?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, the interview…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What about it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Y’know! You don’t make a very good first impression.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (shocked) What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh you don’t know.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Are you serious?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yes, when I first met you, you were like, "Blah, blah, blah."
|
||
I was like, shhh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What is it that I do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well it’s just like you’re trying too hard. Always making
|
||
jokes, y’know, you just—You come off a little needy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Rachel) Did you like me when we first met?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Chandler, I’m not gonna lie to ya, but I am gonna run away from
|
||
you. (Gets up and hurries out.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The New School, Monica, carrying her dish, and Joey are confronting the food
|
||
critic.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hi! Umm, I’m Monica Geller, I’m the chef at Alessandro’s.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Food Critic:</b> Still?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I think the things that you said about me are really unfair, and I would
|
||
like for you to give my bouillabaisse another chance.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Food Critic:</b> I don’t see any reason why I would do that to myself
|
||
again.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Either eat it, or be in it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Spoon? (Hands him one and he tastes it.) So, what do you think?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Food Critic:</b> I’m torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a
|
||
beating. But I must be honest, your soap is abysmal. (Throws down the spoon and walks
|
||
out.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Thata girl! Huh? We should get out of here; there’s a new class
|
||
comin’ in.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They start to leave.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Welcome to introduction to cooking. Now, before we start,
|
||
can anyone tell me the difference between a hollandaise sauce and a bearnaise sauce? (No
|
||
one can.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I can.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Okay, go ahead.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well umm, they both have a egg yolk and butter base, but a bearnaise has
|
||
shallots, shirvel, and most importantly tarragon. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> That’s very good, what’s your name?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Monica.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Monica, you go to the head of the class.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. (Does so.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are unpacking and setting up their new
|
||
purchases.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> All this stuff takes up a lot of room. Hey how uh, how serious are you
|
||
about keeping Ben in your life?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> My son? Pretty serious. (There’s a knock on the door and Ross answers
|
||
it.) Oh hey Katie! (The cashier from before) What uh, what are you doing here?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Katie:</b> Well, the delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this. (A
|
||
blanket.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Ah, must’ve been fairly obvious since it was the only thing left in
|
||
your store.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Katie:</b> Listen, to be honest, home deliveries are really a part of my job
|
||
description.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh. (Reaches into his pocket for some money as Rachel enters the living
|
||
room and watches holding two stuffed dinosaurs.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Katie:</b> Oh uh…I actually came here to ask you out.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh! Wow! Uh, yeah! That sounds great. I’m just gonna put this (The
|
||
money) back in my pocket, pretend <b>that</b> didn’t happen. Uh yeah, actually
|
||
I’m free now. Do you wanna grab some coffee or…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Katie:</b> Sure!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Horny bitch. (They both look at her, pretending that the dinosaurs
|
||
she’s holding are arguing.) No! You’re a horny bitch! Noooo! You’re the
|
||
horny bitch! No! You’re a horny bitch!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, continued from before.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> So you guys go, have a really good time.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (To Katie) Yeah, I’m just gonna grab my coat. And uh, and my whip.
|
||
(Katie looks worried.) Y’know because of the Indiana Jones? (Katie laughs) Not-not
|
||
because I’m-I’m into S&M. (Katie’s worried again.) I’m
|
||
not-I’m not into anything weird. Y’know? Just-just normal sex. (Katie is
|
||
uncomfortable.) So, I’m gonna grab my coat. (Does so, leaving Katie and Rachel
|
||
alone.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> So, you had a good day huh? Big commission; picked up a daddy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Katie:</b> Are you okay with this?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh yeah! Yeah please, you guys have fun.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Katie:</b> Okay. It was nice to see you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh and it was great to see you too. And you look fantastic, although you
|
||
missed a button.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Katie:</b> Oh umm, actually I umm…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh okay, I see what you’re doing there.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Phoebe are entering.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I can’t even believe this! I really come off that badly?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh! It’s okay, you calm down after a while and then people can see
|
||
how really sweet and wonderful you really are.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh good. Good, because I’m sure this interview is gonna last a
|
||
couple of weeks.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right, don’t <b>freak</b> out! Okay? I-I will help you. How
|
||
long before you have to leave?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> An hour.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I can’t help you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Phoebe!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right, all right, we’ll just do our best. Okay? So let’s
|
||
say I’m the interviewer and I’m meeting you for the first time. Okay. "Hi!
|
||
Come on in, I’m uh, Regina Philange."</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Chandler Bing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Bing, what an unusual name.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well you should meet my uncle, Bada. (Pause) I’ll let myself out.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Cooking Class, Joey is trying to cook as the teacher walks over to him.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hi.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Your Fettuccini Alfredo looks a little dry, did you use all
|
||
your cheese?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> When you say used, do you mean eat as a pre-cooking snack?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> And the cream?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Cheese makes me thirsty.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Okay. Let’s move on.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> All right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> (To Monica) Oh! Something smells good over at Monica’s
|
||
station! (She tries Monica’s fettuccini.) Oh my God! This is absolutely amazing!
|
||
You’ve never made this before?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh no! I don’t know anything about cooking. I had to ask someone
|
||
what it’s called when the, when the water makes those little bubbles.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Well, hats off to the chef.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I-I-I’m sorry, your-your mouth was full, I didn’t hear what
|
||
you said. Umm, hats off to who now?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> The chef!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> That’s right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Phoebe are still working on his
|
||
interviewing techniques.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> …I think you’ll find if I come to work here, I don’t
|
||
micro-manage. I don’t shy away from delegating.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Um-hmm, that’s good to know. But let’s stop focusing on what
|
||
you don’t do, and start focusing on what you do do.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (suppressing a smile) What I do do…is manage to uh, create an
|
||
atmosphere of support for the people working with me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I see. Nice sidestep on the do do thing by the way.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You gotta go!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh! (Stands up.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, don’t worry. You’re ready.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Really?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Absolutely! Just fight all your natural instincts and you’ll be
|
||
great.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Cooking Class, everyone has finished baking a batch of cookies and the
|
||
teacher is going around tasting them.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Ah Monica, my star student.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Y’know, you called me that before so I-I took the liberty of
|
||
fashioning a star out of aluminum foil. Now, no pressure, you like my cookies, you give me
|
||
the star. (Hands it to her.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> (tasting the cookie and with her mouthful) Oh, yum-yum-yum.
|
||
(Hands the star back.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Wow! A star! (The class glares at her.) I know you all hate me and-and
|
||
I’m sorry, but I don’t care.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The teacher goes to Joey’s station.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Okay Joey, you’re up next. (Tries one of his cookies.)
|
||
This are good! This is amazing! You get an A!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I can an A? In-in school? (To Joey) Hey, I’m a dork.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Joey! I’m so proud of you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> I think you should give him your star.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Excuse me? He doesn’t even know what he’s doing!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> We’re all beginners here. Nobody knows what
|
||
they’re doing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I do! I’m a professional chef! (The class gasps.) Oh relax!
|
||
It’s not a courtroom drama!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> If you’re a professional chef, what are you doing
|
||
taking Introduction to Cooking?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I’m-I’m sorry, it’s just that umm… Well I-I cook at
|
||
this restaurant, Alessandro’s, and umm I just got a really bad review…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Oh Alessandro’s! I <b>love</b> that place!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Oh yes! You’re an excellent chef! As a person
|
||
you’re a little…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, I’m totally crazy, but you-you like the food?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Very much.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay then, I don’t stink. I’m a good chef. Okay. (Starts to
|
||
leave.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I don’t want to go. I’m having fun.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Cooking Teacher:</b> Well actually, did either of you pay for this class?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey-hey-hey, if my friend says it’s time to go, it’s time to go.
|
||
(Starts to leave, but comes back for his cookies.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: An Office Building, Chandler is on his interview.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> …also I was the point person on my company’s transition from
|
||
the KL-5 to GR-6 system.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> You must’ve had your hands full.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> That I did. That I did.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> So let’s talk a little bit about your duties.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (nervous) My duties? (Trying not to crack a joke) All right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Now you’ll be heading a whole division, so you’ll
|
||
have a lot of duties.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (trying not to laugh) I see.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> But there’ll be perhaps 30 people under you so you can
|
||
dump a certain amount on them.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (really try not to laugh) Good to know.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> We can go into detail…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No don’t I beg of you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> All right then, we’ll have a definite answer for you on
|
||
Monday, but I think I can say with some confidence, you’ll fit in well here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (relieved) Really?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Absolutely. (They walk to the door.) You can relax; you did
|
||
great.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah I gotta say thank you, I was really nervous. Y’know
|
||
I’ve been told I come on to strong, make to many jokes, and then it was really hard
|
||
to sidestep that duty thing. (The interviewer doesn’t understand) Duties. (Still
|
||
doesn’t.) Duties! (Still doesn’t.) Poo. (Still doesn’t.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Poo?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh my God this doesn’t count! Okay? The interview was over, that
|
||
was the real Chandler Bing in there, this is just some crazy guy out in the hall! Call
|
||
security! There’s a crazy guy out in the hall!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Poo?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’ll look forward to your call. (Walks away.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is returning from his date.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi! You’re back from your date!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> How are you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’m fine, but that’s not important. What’s important is
|
||
how was she?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Uhh, it was fun. We, we just had coffee.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee, a little rub-rub-rub under the table.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What’s uh, what’s going on? Do you not, do you not like Katie?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! No, she’s—She was nice. I mean, she’s a little
|
||
slutty, but who isn’t?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I liked her.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Of course you did Ross, you would date a gorilla if it called you
|
||
Indiana Jones!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Did you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! It’s just that, Kate bothered me. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Why? What was wrong with her?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> There was nothing wrong with her! All right? She was perfectly lovely!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, so what’s the matter?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I don’t want you to date her!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (laughs) Why? What, what are you jealous?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes! And not because I want you to go out with me, but because I
|
||
don’t want you to go out with anybody! Okay? I know it’s a terrible thing to
|
||
even think this, and it’s completely inappropriate, but I want you to be at my
|
||
constant beck and call 24 hours a day! I’m very sorry, but that is just the way that
|
||
I feel.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I won’t date. I’ll uh, I’ll be here, with you, all the
|
||
time.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Really? But I’m being so unreasonable.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> True, but you’re allowed to be unreasonable. You’re having our
|
||
baby.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Pause.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (starting to cry) Oh Ross, thank you. Thank you. (They hug.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Do you feel better?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No, not really. You’re pressing the baby into my bladder and now I
|
||
have to pee. Sorry. (She gets up and starts for the bathroom.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh Rach?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah. (Stops and starts doing the I-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom dance.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Just one thing umm…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Uh-huh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> We live together. You’re having our baby. I’m not gonna see
|
||
anybody else. Are you-are you sure you don’t want something more?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (pause) Wow! I don’t know, maybe. I’m…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh-oh, Rach! I was just messin’ around! (She’s stunned) Like you
|
||
did last night when I had to pee?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (laughs) I knew that! I knew that! I was just messin’ with you too!
|
||
</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (pause) Okay. Okay. Because for a minute you said you…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh no-no-no-no, no!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> …that you actually…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No that’s just—(Laughs)—That’s just ‘cause
|
||
I’m such a good messer!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They both laugh. Ross sits down, but Rachel doesn’t move and is lost in thought.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Rach?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> The bathroom?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Right! (Heads for the bathroom.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Closing Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The New School, Joey and Monica are walking down a hallway.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well I had a great time! Learned how to bake, ate great food, that’s
|
||
the first A I’ve gotten since seventh grade, <b>and</b> I didn’t have to sleep
|
||
with the teacher this time.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, look! Acting for Beginners! Want to feel good about yourself?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What the hell!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They enter.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Acting Teacher:</b> All right, let’s start with some basics. Can anybody
|
||
tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(No one can and Monica looks at Joey expectantly.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, this was a stupid idea. (Exits.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |