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<title>The One With The Rumor</title>
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<h1 align="center">The One With The Rumor</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading <i>What to Expect When You’re Expecting</i>
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as Rachel enters from her bedroom.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey Rach listen, did you know that during pregnancy your fingers swell up
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to twice their size and never go back.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (looking at her fingers) Oh my…God! Let me see that! (Grabs the
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book from him.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (laughing) You fall for it every time!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (entering) Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I brought you my old maternity clothes! (Sets a bag on the counter.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh Pheebs that’s so sweet—(Grabs a pair of pants)—Ooh,
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those are so cute!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah! And look, (Grabs the pants) see how they expand as the baby grows?
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(There’s a stretchy part in front.) And then after the baby’s born, they’re
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<b>great</b> for shoplifting melons.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (entering) Oh good you’re all here. Thanksgiving tomorrow, four
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o’clock. (To Rachel) Oh, guess who I invited. Remember that guy Will Colbert from
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high school?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> He was in Ross’s class…marching band…kinda overweight?
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Well, really overweight. I mean I was his thin friend.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow! I don’t remember him. Honey, are you sure you’re not
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talking about your imaginary boyfriend.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No that was Jarred! Wow! I haven’t thought about him in a long
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time… (Stares off into the distance lost in thought.) (Pause) Anyway, umm
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Will’s, Will’s here on business and he didn’t have a place to go so I
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invited him here.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh that’s nice.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, and by the way, he’s lost a bunch of weight. I mean he looks
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goo-ood! Okay, I mean <b>really</b>, really gorgeous! (Joey clears his throat.) I still
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love Chandler.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I just want you to say it once in a while.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> All right okay, just so you know, I’m not gonna make a turkey this
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year.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> What?!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well Phoebe doesn’t eat turkey…</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Phoebe!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Turkey’s are beautiful, intelligent animals!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No they’re not! They’re ugly and stupid and delicious!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> All right! Okay, it’s just Phoebe. Will’s still on a diet,
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Chandler doesn’t eat Thanksgiving food, and Rachel’s having her aversion to
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poultry.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> She is?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Remember I had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast
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chicken?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah. But I thought that was because I put the whole thing on my hand and
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made it walk across the table.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Anyway, it just doesn’t seem worth it to make a whole turkey for
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just three people. Okay? It’s a lot of work.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving! I mean, Thanksgiving with no
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turkey is like-like Fourth of July with no apple pie! Or Friday with no two pizzas!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> All right fine! If it means that much to you! But just—there’s
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gonna be a ton left over.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No there won’t! I promise I will finish that turkey!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> All right, you’re telling me you can eat an entire turkey in just
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one sitting?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> That’s right! ‘Cause I’m a Tribbiani! (To Rachel) And this
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is what we do! I mean we may not be great thinkers or world leaders, we don’t read a
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lot or run very fast, but damnit! We can eat!</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is watching football, and it’s actually
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the right game Green Bay at Detroit (although not this year’s), as Monica is getting
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everything ready.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey, isn’t weird to think about how next year at this time
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they’ll be a little baby at the table? (Chandler turns around in horror.) (Seeing
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him) Rachel’s! But good to know where you’re at!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (entering) Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Happy Thanksgiving!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You too!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Anything I can do to help?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Actually there is. Chandler usually helps me with this, but he’s
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really into the game so I don’t want to bother him. Could you help me fold these
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napkins? (Hands her a stack of them.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Sure!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I’m gonna go across the hall to check on the yams.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay. (She starts folding the napkins in half.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No! No! No! No sweetie! No! Not like that! We’re not at a barn
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dance. You’ve gotta—you wanna fold them like swans. Like I showed you at
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Christmas time, remember?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, it all just came screaming back to me. (Monica exits.) (To
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Chandler) So how’s the game?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I have no idea.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah! I’m just pretending to watch the game so I don’t have
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to help out with stuff.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I don’t believe you! That is…brilliant! And Monica has no
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idea?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Nope! Every once and a while I just scream stuff at the TV. </p>
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<p>(Monica enters and Chandler screams stuff at the TV.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Is your team winning hon?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah! Anderson just scored again! (To Phoebe) There’s no
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Anderson.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well I want to get in on this. Hey Mon? I don’t think I can help
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you after all, I didn’t realize <b>this</b> game was on.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, I didn’t know you liked football.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well normally I don’t, but y’know…(looks at the
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TV)…Green Bay is playing.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You like Green Bay?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well it’s only like my favorite bay! {Actually, it’s not bad.
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It just gets a little cold in winter, but in Wisconsin winter only lasts from August to
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June. <font face="Wingdings">J</font> }</p>
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<p>(Phoebe joins Chandler on the couch as there is a knock on the door which Monica
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answers.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p>(Oh, I should point out that the live studio audience at this point goes absolutely
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wild. And I had absolutely no idea that this Will character was that popular! Maybe they
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should make him the seventh friend. Which would work out just fine since he’s already
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married to one of them. Will is played by some guy named Brad Pitt, I guess he’s some
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sort of actor.)</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Happy Thanksgiving!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Aww thanks! God Will I’m so glad that you came! You look great! You
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must’ve lost like…</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> 150 pounds. Yeah, I’m gonna be in one of those <i>Subway</i> sandwich
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commercials.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> A pie! (Will brought a pie.)</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Oh right. All right, it’s no fat, it’s no sugar, it’s no
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dairy…it’s no good. Throw it out.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You wanna meet some people? This is uh; this is my husband Chandler.
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Chandler, this is Will.</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh hey. I’d shake your hand but uh; I’m really into the
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game. Plus, I think it’d be better for my ego if we didn’t stand right next to
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each other.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> This is Phoebe.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (nonchalantly glancing) Hey. (Turns back around.) Wow! (Looks up.) Well
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done.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (to Will) Wanna give me a hand?</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Sure! Monica, I can’t get over how great you look! You look stunning!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well you look incredible too! You’re just—you’re so fit!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’m watching the game, but I’m not deaf!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh umm, I meant to tell you, Ross is coming.</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Ross is coming. Great! I love Ross!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Good. And Rachel Green too. (Will stops suddenly.)</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Oh.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Is there a problem?</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Nope. Uh, it’s okay. It’s just uh, God I hated her.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Yeah, I hated her. She was horrible to me in high school. But hey, it was
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a long time ago, I’m in a good place, it might be actually fun to see her again. You
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got any cakes or cookies or something? (Starts looking.) No Will no!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Phoebe) Y’know, it’s been a while since we’ve
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screamed something. Maybe we should.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh okay.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh come on!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Noooo!! Damn you ref! You burn in hell!!!</p>
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<p>(Joey enters eating potato chips.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey, what are you doing? You gotta save room, you’ve got almost an
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entire turkey to eat.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Let me explain to you how the human body works. I have to warm my stomach
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first. Eatin’ chips is like stretching.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> All right.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Don’t worry, Tribbianis never get full.</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> I actually know what you’re talking about. I’m here to tell you
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something my friend, you can eat and eat and eat but nothing will ever fill that void.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (To Monica) Who the hell is this guy?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Will! From high school.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh hey!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (to Will) Joey.</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Hello.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (entering) Will!</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Ross!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey-hey you came! Man you look incredible! Hot stuff! (They hug and Ross
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realizes what he said.) Hot stuff?</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> It’s good to see you man.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, you too. Man, so-so what are you up to?</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> I’m a commodities broker.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Really? Yeah that-that sounds interesting.</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Yeah, it’s not. But I’m rich and thin.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh! Man I don’t think I’ve seen you since uh, Lance Davis’
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graduation party.</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> That was such a fun night!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah. It would’ve been good if we had gotten in, but still real fun.</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> God we were lame back then. Do you remember how into dinosaurs we were?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (laughs) Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> So what do you, what do you do now?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> So how long are you in town?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (entering, carrying a baking dish) Hi! </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey sweetie. Oh good. (Takes the baking dish from her.)</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> (glaring at Rachel) Rachel Green.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Aw—oh, that’s right. Are-are you gonna be okay?</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Oh, I’ll-I’ll be fine. Just God I hate her Ross! I hate her!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Will, high school was-was a long time ago.</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Look at her standing there with those yams! My two greatest enemies Ross:
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Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (sees Will) Oh my God Monica, who is that?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> That’s Will from high school!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh! I do not remember him! Wow! He's really got that sexy, smoldering
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thing going on. (We see Will angrily staring at Rachel.) Oh my God, he’s… Look
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at the way he’s just staring at me. I think he’s trying to mouth something to
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me, but I can’t make it out. (Will mouths, "I hate you.")</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, dinner’s ready!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Good game!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah. Solid effort. Solid effort.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, so who won?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (simultaneously) Green Bay.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (simultaneously) Detroit.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well the Lions technically won, but it was a moral victory for the Green
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Bay…Mermen.</p>
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<p>(They sit down at the table and Will goes to talk to Rachel.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi! Will, right?</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Right.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi! I’m Rachel Green.</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Oh I-I remember you.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Really?! Aren’t you sweet! I gotta tell you though, I am, I am
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having the hardest time placing you. Oh-oh hang on! Did we umm, did we fool around at
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Lance Davis’ graduation party?</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> You are unbelievable.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Thank you!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (breaking it up) Uh Rachel? Rachel, why don’t you sit here? (Next
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to Joey) And Will you sit way over there. (The other side of the table.)</p>
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<p>(Monica sets something on the table and removes the cover. It kinda looks like turkey.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> That’s it?! Even if nobody helps me I can eat that no problem. At
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least give me a challenge!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (laughs) This is Chandler’s chicken. This is the turkey. (Sets down
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a huge turkey.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (quietly) Oh. How-how big is that?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> About nineteen pounds.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (To Rachel) It’s like me when I was born.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> All right, who would uh, like some yams? Will?</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t ya?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What? (Joey starts offering Ross some turkey.) Oh y’know what? Can
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we please keep the chicken and the turkey and everything on the other side of the table?
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The smell is just yuck!</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> (sneeze talks) Typical.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’m sorry. What?</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> I said it was typical. Typical of you, Rachel Green, Queen Rachel does
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whatever she wants in little Rachel land. (Does a fake hair flip.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (To Monica) Seriously, who is this guy?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Umm, I’m sorry. Do you-do you have a problem with me?</p>
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<p><b>Will:</b> I don’t know? Do I? Do I?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I think you do.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (To Rachel) Apparently you were umm, a little mean to him in high
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school.</p>
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|
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<p><b>Will:</b> A little mean? You made my life miserable!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’m-I’m—I had no idea. I’m sorry. I…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> Well you should be. Screw it! Bring on the yams!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh Will. But you-you’ve worked so hard…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> <b>Yams</b>!!!! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. (Chandler grabs the dish from Monica and hands it to Will who
|
||
starts dishing out a large helping.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Uh Will umm, I just want to say that I’m real sorry for whatever
|
||
I-I did to you in high school…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> Oh, it wasn’t just me. We had a club!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> You had a club?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> That’s right, The I Hate Rachel Green Club!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Whoa! My God! So what, you all just joined together to hate me?! Who
|
||
else was in this club?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> Me and Ross. (Points at Ross.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No need to point, she knows who Ross is.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (To Ross) So you were in an I Hate Rachel club?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> Yes he was. (Holds up his hand for a high-five.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No. No.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> So who else was in this club?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh actually, there-there was also that exchange student from Thailand but
|
||
I-I don’t think he-he knew what it was.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> So Ross, we went out for two years, and you never told me you were in an
|
||
I Hate Rachel club.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> You went out with her?! We had a pact!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> That was in high school! It’s not like it was binding forever.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> Then why did it have the word eternity in it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay Monica, did you know about this?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I swear I didn’t. (To Ross and Will) Hey! Is that why you guys used
|
||
to go up to your bedroom and lock the door?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross and <b>Will:</b></b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hmm, a little relieved, I gotta say.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look Rach I-I’m sorry, okay? I…I was a stupid kid, okay? The
|
||
only reason I joined…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> Co-founded!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> …co-founded. Co-founded the club was because I was insanely in love
|
||
with you. Obviously I didn’t handle it very well. But if you think about it the I
|
||
Hate Rachel Club was really the I Love Rachel Club.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> Uh, except that it was really the I Hate Rachel Club.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. So what? You guys would just like get together and like just say
|
||
mean things about me?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> Well, we did a little more than that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No-no! No-no. No-no.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What?! What else did you do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> We started a rumor.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What rumor?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, come on Will! Just take off your shirt and tell us!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> It was no big deal. We-we…said that the rumor was…that
|
||
umm…you had both…male and female reproductive parts.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> That’s right! We said your parents flipped a coin, decided to raise
|
||
you as a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (shocked) Oh my God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> <b>You</b> started that?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?! You heard that?! (Goes and stands behind Joey.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Everyone at our school heard it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite
|
||
cheerleader from Long Island?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh no!!!! Oh my God!! This is all making so much sense to me now! This
|
||
is why Adam Carter wouldn’t go out with me! This is why Billy Tratt would just stay
|
||
in this region! (Motions to her breasts.) (Joey has turned around.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Actually, Billy Tratt is gay now. So-so that one’s not really our
|
||
fault.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Monica, how come you never told me this?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I thought it might be true. And I was afraid that you were gonna cry and
|
||
then show it to me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey is now looking at Rachel, and since Rachel’s standing and he’s sitting
|
||
down and he’s not looking at her face… You get the picture.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Joey stop staring! There’s nothing there! It’s not true!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I’m afraid I’m gonna need proof.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh! (Hits him and storms out.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Time Lapse, dinner has ended for everyone except Joey who looks like to have finished
|
||
the turkey, until he turns the plate around and reveals he only ate one side.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> You are my Everest.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Joey, you don’t have to finish that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh yes I do. Otherwise what’s next? Today I’m just a guy who
|
||
can’t finish a turkey, but tomorrow I’m the guy who eats half a <i>Powerbar</i>,
|
||
wraps up the rest, and puts in the fridge? No! No, I just…I just—I gotta change
|
||
my pants. (Gets up and heads for the door.) Jeans have no give. (Exits.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (entering carrying a book) Okay! Okay! Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote
|
||
in my yearbook senior year, "Dear Rach, you’re such a good person." Not
|
||
girl! Person!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Rach, I think you’re reading a little too much into it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (reading what he wrote again) "Dear Rach, you’re a great
|
||
person. Sorry about your tiney-wienie." (Will laughs.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to call everyone in the
|
||
entire school and tell them it wasn’t true?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> Could you also tell them I’m skinny now?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh! Me too!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well look-look I’m not calling anybody! Okay? It was like a million
|
||
years ago!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I don’t care how long ago it was! You told people that I was half
|
||
and half! Y’know what? I just want to point out I never did anything to hurt you in
|
||
high school.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> That’s not totally true.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well you-you did start that rumor about Ross making out with Mrs.
|
||
Altman, our 50-year-old librarian.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (shocked) (To Rachel) How did you know that?!!!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> It’s true?!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes it is! I saw you guys going at it behind the card catalog!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross is at a loss for words.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> Mrs. Altman? She also made out with Takaka Ci-Kek the night before he went
|
||
back to Thailand.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’m sorry. When you were in high school you made out with a
|
||
50-year-old woman?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey! She didn’t look 50!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Did she look 16?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh, there’s a picture of her in the yearbook actually.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh! (They all look.) Wow!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> She didn’t photograph well!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, she probably wasn’t familiar with the process having spent
|
||
most of her life sitting for oil paintings!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> So how did this happen? Did she, did she lure you to an early bird
|
||
dinner?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I was working late in the library one afternoon. It was just the two of
|
||
us. She needed some help with her word jumble. And one thing led to another. If you must
|
||
know, Anita was very gentle and tender. May she rest in peace…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Didn’t she walk with a cane?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Only when it was damp!! (To Rachel) I can’t believe you-you told
|
||
people about this?! Everybody knew?! Y’know what? (To Will) I’m back in the
|
||
club!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> Yeah! (They high-five.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I wanna join!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wh—Phoebe!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I never got to be in a club. I-I
|
||
didn’t go to high school, but three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn
|
||
French. Bonjour.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> All right, y’know—Fine! You guys have your stupid little club,
|
||
but I would just like to say is what you did to me is way worse than what I did to you!
|
||
You gave me a tiney-wienie! (Will laughs.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> All right, listen you’re just being silly. Rachel, even with that
|
||
rumor you were one of the most popular girls in school and everyone wanted to be like you.
|
||
One girl wanted to be like you so much she stuffed her pants with a <i>Tootsie Roll</i>!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> And Ross, if it weren’t for Rachel’s rumor I mean no one in
|
||
high school would even know who you were. She put you on the map!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> As a romancer of the elderly.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey! Mrs. Altman was the kind of woman you could tell she used to be
|
||
pretty.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> The eyes…did still sparkle.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey guys this stuff is just so way in the past. You-you’ve been
|
||
through so much since then. And right now you’ve got so much more important stuff
|
||
going on in your life. Can’t you just let this go?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> She’s right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah. I mean we are having a baby together.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> Hold on! You got her pregnant?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> Are ya getting married?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Nope.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Will:</b> So you knocked her up but you’re not gonna marry her. Dude! (Wants
|
||
another high-five and Ross ignores him.) Anybody?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay. (Goes over and hugs him.) It’s exactly how I’d imagined
|
||
it would be.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering, wearing the maternity pants from earlier) All right
|
||
where’s that turkey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Joey! Those are my maternity pants!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Not now! These are my Thanksgiving pants!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Closing Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Will has left and the rest of the gang is watching Joey
|
||
finish the turkey.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well that’s it. I’m done. Whew! (Wipes his forehead.) There come
|
||
the meat sweats. (Chandler hands him a towel and he wipes his face.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well Joey, we’re all…we’re all very proud of you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the President any moment now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Is there anything we can do for you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> No just, nobody press on my stomach.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> You can keep those pants by the way.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey notices Monica has gotten a pie.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Whoa—hey—wh-wh-what do you got there? What is that? Pie?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, you want some?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Ah, just cut me a little sliver. (Monica prepares to cut a little sliver.)
|
||
A little bigger. (Monica prepares to cut a bigger piece.) Little bigger. (Monica moves the
|
||
knife again.) What?! Are you afraid you’re gonna run out?! Cut me a real piece!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |