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<!-- saved from url=(0055)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season3/322screm.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<title>The One With The Screamer</title>
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<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
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<body bgcolor="white" text="black" link="green" vlink="black" alink="yellow" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One With The Screamer</h1>
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<hr align="center">
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<p>Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the phone, Chandler and Monica are sitting in
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the living room, and Ross is in the kitchen as Rachel enters from her bedroom.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, Phoebe, are you still on hold? I was supposed to call my Dad back
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like two hours ago.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, yeah, he clipped on, he said call him as soon as you get a chance,
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he’s at Flimby’s.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What’s Flimby’s?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, yeah, that’s the word I use when I can’t remember the real
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thing.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. Hang up! That’s it! Come on!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No! Rachel, that’s what they want me to do. My warranty expires
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tomorrow, if I don’t get through, they’re not gonna fix my crappy, broken phone
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for free! We cannot let them win! It’s us versus them!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ye-e-es!!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey.</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Hey. </p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh, listen I gotta double check for tickets tonight. Who-who got what?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel:</b> I had one.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I need two. I’m bringing Pete. My boyfriend. I have a boyfriend
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now!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Two it is. Ross, how about you?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh, yeah, I ah, I also need two.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Really? Who’s number two?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Who’s number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers
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play.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh, no, it’s-it’s just this person.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Like a date type (looks at Rachel) person?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, kinda. It’s this woman from work. I hope that won’t be too
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weird. Will it, Rach?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No. No, not at all, not at all. I actually was gonna bring someone
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myself, so…</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> But you said one.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I meant, me plus one!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay. (to Phoebe and Chandler) Did ah, you guys mean you plus one?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> All right, I’ll see you tonight.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, bye-bye!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Bye!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Bye-bye!</p>
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<p>(Ross exits)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, I need a date! (runs to her bedroom)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to meet Kate!</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Oh!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (to Chandler) And I ah, borrowed some of your cologne. I hope she likes
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it.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Joey, what are you doing?! It’s never gonna happen, she’s
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seeing somebody.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, and I don’t have any cologne.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> The green bottle next to the shaving cream.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh! Worm medicine for the duck.</p>
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<p>(In horror, Joey wipes his neck and smells it.)</p>
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<p align="center"><b>Opening Credits</b></p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is getting ready to go to Joey’s premiere and
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Phoebe is still on hold.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (to Phoebe) Here you go. You can wear this. (hands her a sweater)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Thanks!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Uh-huh.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay. (on phone) Ooh, I’m setting the phone down. (does so) But
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I’m still here! Just don’t go anywhere I’m still here. (starts to put on
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the sweater) Don’t-don’t switch or anything, ‘cause I’m, I’m
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right here. (She has pulled the sweater over her head, but her head is stuck in a sleeve.)
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Just one sec. One sec! One second!! (She is now frantically trying to get the sweater on,
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as Monica returns from the bathroom.) Wait! One second! Just…</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What?! Monica, I’m scared!!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> All right. Honey, that’s-that’s a sleeve. Okay? </p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> And! We also have speaker phone. (She turns on the speaker phone.)</p>
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<p><b>Hold Voice:</b> Please, stay on the line. Your call is important to us.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, wait, you gotta hang up ‘cause we’re gonna be late.</p>
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<p>(Phoebe starts to hang up the phone, but…)</p>
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<p><b>Hold Voice:</b> Thank you for your patience, you’re the next caller.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yes!! Yes!! I’m the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (entering, carrying the chick and duck) Hey! Can you take a duck and a
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chick to the theatre? </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Of course not.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay. I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Joey’s Premiere, Rachel is already there with her date, Tommy who's played
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by Ben Stiller who will be in <em>There's Something About Mary</em> and <em>Meet The
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Parents</em>, as Ross and his date, Cailin, arrive.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey, hey Rach!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, hi!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> How are you? (She goes to kiss him on the cheek, but stops because of
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the dates and pats him on the shoulder.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Good.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> So it’s looks like we’re the first ones here.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, looks that way. First ones here! Wooo!!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yay!!</p>
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<p>(An awkward silence follows.) </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh! Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy.</p>
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<p><b>Tommy:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey. Oh, I’m sorry, this is Cailin.</p>
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<p>(They all try and shake hands at once. They end up criss-crossing they’re arms to
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shake each other’s hand, and Ross says…)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> And! Break!!</p>
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<p>(Awkward laughter follows.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, uhh, I think I’m going to run to the ladies room.</p>
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<p><b>Tommy:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Cailin:</b> I’ll join you.</p>
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<p><b>Tommy:</b> I’ll get our seats.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay. (The girls leave.) (to Tommy) So uh, well, this-this is uh, this is
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awkward.</p>
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<p><b>Tommy:</b> Yeah?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well y'know ‘cause Rachel and I used to go out.</p>
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<p><b>Tommy:</b> Oh, I didn’t, I didn’t know that.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh! Well then <b>this</b> is awkward. So what do you uh…</p>
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<p><b>Tommy:</b> I think we’re here.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh! Yeah. </p>
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<p><b>Tommy:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay. (sees two people sitting in their seats.) Uh, huh. Excuse me,
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I’m sorry, I-I think you may be in our seats.</p>
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<p><b>Man:</b> Umm, no, I don’t think so.</p>
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<p><b>Tommy:</b> Can-can we take a look at your ticket?</p>
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<p><b>Man:</b> Sure. (Hands him the ticket.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (looking at ticket) Yep! Yeah, see this says D-13, and uh…</p>
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<p><b>Man:</b> Oh, well I thought that ah…</p>
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<p><b>Tommy:</b> Oh, you thought, huh? Yeah, well that didn’t really work out too
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well for you did it you <b>idiot</b>!! What are you?! A moron!! Huh?! It says D-13! Okay?!
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Look you’re surrounded by even numbers!! Did that give you some clue?!</p>
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<p><b>Man:</b> Uh, the usher told us to come…</p>
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<p><b>Tommy:</b> Oh! Oh! The usher must be right! What, with all that training they go
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through! Get out!! (They start to leave.) Here! (He throws him back his ticket.) (to Ross,
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calmly) Hey man, you want the aisle?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No, I’m good. (He sits down, stunned.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Theatre, at the post premiere party. The gang is already there, except
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Phoebe. Joey runs in.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (seeing Joey) There he is!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> There’s our star!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> So, so, what’d ya think?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Almost as good as that play with the two naked girls on the see-saw.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I-I wasn’t in that.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I know.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (sees Kate) Oh-oh, hey-hey, Kate! Listen I want you to meet everybody.
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Everybody, this is Kate.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>The Director:</b> (stepping in) Excuse me. Excuse me. (to Kate) Sweetheart! (Kisses
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her.) Come! (They leave.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> So that’s the girl you like.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (drags Chandler over to buffet table) I’m telling you, this guy
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Rachel is with is crazy! Okay? He viscously screamed at total strangers! I think he’s
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baaad news!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Wait a minute, wait a minute, you <b>don’t</b> like the guy
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Rachel’s dating? Well, that’s odd.</p>
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<p>[cut to Joey, Rachel, and Tommy.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, hey, Lauren. Uh, you guys this is, this is Kate’s understudy,
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Lauren.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, hi!</p>
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<p><b>Lauren:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey. Gosh, you look soo familiar.</p>
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<p><b>Lauren:</b> Oh, yeah! I-I ran into you in the hallway in your building. It was right
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after I slept with Joey. He dumped me the next day.</p>
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<p>[cut to Monica, Pete, and Cailin]</p>
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<p><b>Cailin:</b> So. How’d you guys meet?</p>
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<p><b>Pete:</b> Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued her for a couple of months,
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then I gave her a check for 20,000 dollars, and she was mine.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, and in the long version, I dump him for telling people the short
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version.</p>
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<p>[cut to Joey as Estelle, Joey’s agent, approaches]</p>
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<p><b>Estelle:</b> Joey, sweetheart, you were fabulous! </p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey you guys, this is my agent, Estelle.</p>
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<p><b>Estelle:</b> How do you do. (to Rachel and Monica) Ooh, you two girls were
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outstanding! (to Joey) Did they have representation?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No, they-they weren’t in the play.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> We’re not actors.</p>
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<p><b>Estelle:</b> Ooh, what a shame! Because with her face (points to Monica) and her
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chest (points to Rachel) I could really put something together.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Could I borrow it?</p>
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<p>[cut to later]</p>
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<p><b>Cailin:</b> (to Ross) Hi! Remember me?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi! Yeah! Tommy’s in line for the bathroom and someone just cut in
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front of him, I think he’s gonna snap. (He’s watching very intently)</p>
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<p><b>Cailin:</b> Ross, I’m gonna go.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Go? Why?</p>
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<p><b>Cailin:</b> I don’t know. Could be because I don’t feel like standing
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around all night waiting for some guy who <b>may</b> or may not scream.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> But-but Cailin, he definitely will scream.</p>
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<p><b>Cailin:</b> Good bye Ross.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh, oh-ho bye.</p>
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<p><b>The Director:</b> (entering carrying a newspaper) Here we go people! (starts reading
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the review) Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-la-la… Ah-ha! Joey
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Tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the worst thing in this
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production.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yes!!! Ha-ha-ha!</p>
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<p><b>The Director:</b> Kate Miller’s awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable.
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(Kate walks away depressed.) Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by
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Marshal Talmant is… (stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust)
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Thank you, boys and girls, you’ve ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces
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with my Mother’s crab cakes! (starts to leave) Excuse me!!</p>
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<p>(Joey steps in a picks up the paper, the gang all look at him.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Anyone mind if I save this?</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are returning. Phoebe is <b>still</b> on
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hold.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, is the play over?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah. Where were you?</p>
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<p><b>Hold Voice:</b> Thank you for your patience, you’re the next caller.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You were the next caller five hours ago. You must be going crazy.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Nah. I kept myself busy.</p>
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<p>(Both Rachel and Monica walk into their bedrooms, stop, and come back into the living
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room with confused looks on their faces.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, okay, yeah. (to Monica) I put your stuff in her room, and her stuff
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in your room.</p>
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<p>(They both look at each other, nod their heads ‘All right’ and follow their
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stuff into their new rooms.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Theatre, after the party. Joey is trying to comfort Kate.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey! Are you okay?</p>
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<p><b>Kate:</b> Fabulous.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Listen, drama critics they’re nothing but, but people who
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couldn’t make it as actors. You know what you should do?</p>
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<p><b>Kate:</b> Become a drama critic!</p>
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<p><b>The Director:</b> (entering, drunk) I am hurt! (to Joey and Kate) A plague on both
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your houses! (walks away)</p>
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<p><b>Kate:</b> By the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, classy. </p>
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<p><b>Kate:</b> Yep! I sure know how to pick ‘em, huh? Y'know I gave up a part on a
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soap for this!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Wow! Yeah I ah, I gave up a job too.</p>
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<p><b>Kate:</b> Really. What?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh, de-clawing cats. Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk you home. We’ll
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stop by every news stand and burn every copy of their Times and the Post.</p>
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<p><b>Kate:</b> Why the Post?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, you didn’t see the Post?</p>
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<p><b>Kate:</b> No. You?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No. Why?</p>
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<p>[Scene: Kate’s Apartment, Joey and Kate are returning from a night out on the
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town.]</p>
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<p><b>Kate:</b> (drunk) So you really think those newspapers are just jealous of me?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, absolutely! You’re talented and you’re good looking.</p>
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<p><b>Kate:</b> Oh, you’re sweet and cute.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I know! That’s why they trashed me!</p>
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|
||
<p>(They kiss.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Whoa. Wait a minute, wait a minute.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Kate:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I, I don’t get you. I mean first, you hate me. Then you sleep with
|
||
me. Then you want nothing to do with me, now you want me again.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Kate:</b> What? So you never went out with an actress before?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Kate, do you even like me?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Kate:</b> Of course I do.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well so, how come you blew me off? Y'know? How come you were with him?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Kate:</b> I don’t know! I just, just do this! I-I always have to pick the like
|
||
the smartest guy, or-or the most talented guy… Why can’t I just pick someone
|
||
like you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Thanks.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Kate:</b> You know what I mean. I mean like the sweetest guy. Joey, you’re just
|
||
so, you’re so, so… (She passes out and slumps against his shoulder.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (Checks to see if she’s drooling on his shirt.) Okay. Okay, okay,
|
||
hey. (Lays her down and covers her with a blanket.) There we go, let’s get your feet
|
||
up there. (Looks at her) Good night, Kate. Sweet dreams. (Picks up a garbage can) I’m
|
||
gonna put this can right here in case you have to hurl.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><b>Commercial Break</b></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe is <b>STILL</b> on hold.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Hold Voice:</b> Please stay on the line. You’re call is very important to us.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (entering from her bedroom) Pheebs, you’ve been up for 24 hours! Go
|
||
to sleep, honey. Th-this isn’t healthy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, no, I’m fine, and y’know why? ‘Cause of all the
|
||
riboflavin.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering, happily) Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey! Didn’t you have that outfit on last night?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah! I stayed at Kate’s, but ah, nothing happened. Hey, Pheebs,
|
||
where were ya?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I’m so, so, so sorry, Joey. I definitely am gonna see you’re
|
||
play. I swear you’re play is very important to us, thank you for your patience.
|
||
You’re play is the next play is the next play I’m gonna see.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Anyway, how did it go with Kate?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, it was great! Yeah, I-I walked her home, and it was amazing how much
|
||
we connected, y'know? Then ah, then she passed out, but then she woke up. Yeah? And we
|
||
stayed up all night talking, and now we’re like totally crazy about each other!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Joey, you had the night! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> When two people finally realise their feelings for each other, and-and
|
||
they talk for hours, and they-they learn all about the other person!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> You-you think?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Did you like learn about her family?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Two brothers, one died!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yes!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh! (They hug, triumphantly.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch, Rachel is on the
|
||
chair.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Gunther:</b> (bringing Chandler a cup) This is from the woman at the bar.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh-ho-ho-ho. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(He turns and looks at her. The woman whispers something to Gunther; who comes back and
|
||
takes the mug away from Chandler.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Gunther:</b> Sorry. She thought you were somebody else.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What time is it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> One.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> One.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> 7:15. (Monica looks at him) Watch doesn’t work.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Tommy’s supposed to be here soon, we’re going to lunch.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look. Look, I wasn’t going to say anything to you, but... All right,
|
||
I don’t think you should be seeing Tommy anymore.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> You don’t?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No! The guy is mean. I mean really mean. I think you should stay away from
|
||
him.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Umm, <b>or</b>, maybe, I should stay away from all men.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No, it’s not just ‘cause I’m jealous. (Both Monica and
|
||
Chandler give him a ‘Come on’ look) I mean I’m not, I’m not, I’m
|
||
not jealous, okay? It’s… Look, the guy, he screamed, he actually screamed at
|
||
this couple sitting in our seats.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, and at the end of the play, he, he got up y'know, and he just
|
||
started like, (claps his hands) banging his hands together!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, fine, fine. You don’t want to believe me? No, that’s fine.
|
||
(starts to leave)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> We’re kidding!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ross, don’t. Ross!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica;</b> Ross!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[cut to outside of Central Perk]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You don’t want to believe me, I’m Mr. Funny to you. Mr.
|
||
Funny… (turns around and almost spills his coffee on Tommy) </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Tommy:</b> Whoa!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Whoa, sorry Tommy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Tommy:</b> What’s in the cup, Ross?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Umm…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Tommy:</b> <b>What</b> is in the cup?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, it’s coffee.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Tommy:</b> Ice coffee? Tell me it’s ice coffee!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> It’s-it’s hot…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Tommy:</b> Hot coffee!!! You idiot!! You were gonna spill hot coffee all over me,
|
||
huh?!! What are you just some big, dumb, stupid, doofy idiot, with a doofy idiot hairdo,
|
||
huh?! Huh?! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[cut to inside Central Perk, we see Ross quietly tapping on the window, desperately
|
||
trying to get the gang’s attention, while Tommy is still screaming at him]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (not seeing Ross) What’s your favourite thing about summertime?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Umm, going to the beach. When it stays light real late.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Tommy:</b> (entering, finished with yelling at Ross, who follows him in shell
|
||
shocked) (happily) Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Tommyyyy! Say, what’s your favourite thing about summer?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Tommy:</b> Ooh, I don’t know. Probably the smell of freshly cut grass.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ohh, that’s a good one.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross is having a fit, about how calm Tommy is now)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Backstage at Joey’s play, Joey is arriving, late.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Sorry! Sorry, I’m late; sorry, I’m late! My duck and my chick
|
||
and a fight, it-it was ugly.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Stage Manager:</b> Look, we held the curtain for you buddy. Come on, let’s go!
|
||
Let’s go!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[cut to onstage with Lauren standing in for Kate, the doorbell rings.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Lauren:</b> (answering the door) Vic! Where have you been, baby?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (surprised it’s Lauren) (hugs her) (whispering) Where’s Kate?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Lauren:</b> (whispering) She got a job in L.A.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (stunned) What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Lauren:</b> I’ve been waiting up all night for ya. Where have you been? (Joey
|
||
doesn’t answer) Where have you been? Vic?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, ahh, go to the window. I’m wanna run down to the truck and show
|
||
you something.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Lauren:</b> (at the window, she’s looking down out of the window) What do you
|
||
got down there, Vic? What do you got under that tarp? </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (grabs the window from the outside and sticks his head in) (whispering)
|
||
When is she leaving?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Lauren:</b> (whispering) Tonight. What are you doing?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (making like he is yelling up to the second floor) I’m coming up!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross are in the kitchen, Rachel and Monica
|
||
are sitting in the living room, and Phoebe is, you guessed it, still on hold.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Tommy:</b> Hey, mind if I use the phone?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, I… (starts jabbering incoherently)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Why don’t you use ours across the hall, ‘cause
|
||
she…has…problems.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (coming out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee, almost running into
|
||
Tommy) Oh-ho, whoa! Sorry, Tommy. I almost spilled this hot coffee on you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Tommy:</b> Yeah, but you didn’t.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No, but it’s-it’s-it’s hot!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(We see Tommy go into Joey and Chandler’s apartment)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross, would you just stop it! It’s getting really old.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I can’t believe no one believes me!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I do, I believe you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You do Pheebs?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah. But I also believed her (points to the phone) when she said I was
|
||
next.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[cut to Chandler and Joey’s apartment, Tommy is using the phone]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Tommy:</b> (noticing the chick) Ooh, hey! Hey, there little fella. (picks up the
|
||
chick) Mr. Fuzzy-Man, how are you doing? (starts to pet him) Aww. (The chick poops on his
|
||
hand.) Eww! Oh! Eww! Gross! Idiot!! Stupid little, fuzzy, yellow creature!! Oh look at me,
|
||
I’m so cute, I’m a little chick who’s disgusting! God, you’re so
|
||
stupid, how are you not yet extinct!! (the duck wattles behind him and quacks) (to the
|
||
duck) Quack-quack, quack-quack!! What are you quacking about?! Dumb Donald Doo-Doo!! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(We see the gang staring at him through the doorways.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Step away from the duck.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Tommy:</b> Ooh, sorry little Mr. Chic-A-Dee, sorry you went doody in my hand!
|
||
(starts to walk out and stops) (to Rachel) Well, I guess we’re not going out anymore.
|
||
Whaa!!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(He leaves the gang in stunned silence.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Backstage at Joey’s play, Joey is changing for the next scene as Kate
|
||
arrives, carrying her bags.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Kate:</b> Joey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Kate:</b> I’m soo glad I caught you, I couldn’t find you before.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Wh-wh-what’s going on? Wh-what’s this about L.A.?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Kate:</b> They still want me for <i>General Hospital</i>.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> But, but wh-what about us?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Kate:</b> Last night was wonderful. But I-I can’t stay here just for you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, so, stay for the museums! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Kate:</b> I’m sorry.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Stage Manager:</b> Joey, onstage!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well can you at least stay to the end of the play? I mean, I’ll go to
|
||
the airport with ya, I-I wanna say good bye.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Lauren:</b> (yelling from onstage) Where are you Vic?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Kate:</b> Flight’s in an hour. I-I gotta go.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Lauren:</b> Vic! Vic! <b>Vic</b>!!! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (to Lauren) In a minute!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[cut to the end of the play]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Lauren:</b> So this is it? Victor?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, I guess it is. (sees Kate is watching, he turns Lauren so that he
|
||
can talk directly to Kate, but still look like he is talking to Lauren) Listen, I ah, I
|
||
gotta say good bye, and-and I gotta say it quick ‘cause this is killing me. One thing
|
||
you gotta know, is that I will never forget you. But, you’ve got things you have to
|
||
do now, and so do I. And so… I’m gonna get on this spaceship, (smoke starts
|
||
pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the
|
||
side of it) and I’m gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I
|
||
return, 200 years from now, you’ll be long gone. But I won’t have aged at all.
|
||
(gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because
|
||
Adrienne, baby, I’m gonna want to meet her. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7,
|
||
and Kate waves good bye.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Lauren:</b> So long, Vic! (waving good bye as the ladder retracts)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><b>Closing Credits</b></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, except Joey, is there. Phoebe is, well you
|
||
y'know.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe, it’s been two days.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, I know. Oh, good thing it’s one of those 801 numbers. Right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Phoebe, 800 is toll free, 801 is-is Utah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, no, no, oh no-no-no, it’s has to be 800. (picks up the
|
||
instruction manual to check the phone number) ‘Cause all those big companies have 800
|
||
numbers, every one. (Finds the number) Yeah, every big Utah-based company has one.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Phoe-be!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Sorry, I’m so sorry, I will pay you back.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> And yet, she’s still not hanging up the phone.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>All:</b> Hang it up! Hang up the phone!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Fine! Fine! (slams the phone down, breaking it) Oh-oh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, I think I broke it. But that’s all right, here’s the
|
||
number you can call.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (sarcastic) Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><b>End</b></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |