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<!-- saved from url=(0053)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season7/716tal.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<title>The One With The Truth About London</title>
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<meta name="GENERATOR" content="Microsoft FrontPage 4.0">
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<meta name="Template" content="C:\Program Files\Microsoft Office\Templates\FRIENDS.dot">
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<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
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<body bgcolor="#FFFFFF" link="#008000" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One With The Truth About London</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Teleplay by: Zachary Rosenblatt<br>
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Story by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones<br>
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Directed by: David Schwimmer<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is filing her nails as Ross and Ben enter.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi! Hi Ben!</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> Hi.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi, we have a little bathroom emergency.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, yeah go ahead.</p>
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<p>(Ben starts to go, but Ross stops him.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh, before we do uh, are any of Joey’s special romance magazines in
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there?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No. No.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (to Ben) Okay! All clear!</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> (running to the bathroom) Thanks Phoebe!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ben, it's Rachel! (He closes the door.) But whatever.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (to Ben) Everything okay in there?</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> Don’t talk to me now!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Awww, just like his daddy.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey listen can you do me a big favor? The dean’s office just called
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and said there was an urgent meeting. Can you watch Ben for like an hour?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What-what about Monica?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, she isn’t home.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (nervous) So it would just be me alone?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, Ben would be there.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Huh umm…</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What’s the matter?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well that—y’know it’s just uh, I’ve never done that
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before. Me and him alone.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Rach, he’s not an ex-con.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, what do I, what do I do with him?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I don’t know! Just-just talk to him-entertain him and keep him alive.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay. (Ben enters) Ben? Come here. All right, I’m gonna leave you
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here with Aunt Rachel for about an hour. Okay? Are you gonna be okay?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah I think so.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (To Rachel) I wasn’t talking to you.</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> I’ll be okay.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, I’ll see you soon buddy. (He hugs and kisses him.) Be back in
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an hour.</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> Bye dad.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Bye. (Ross exits.) Ahhh… (Silence) So this is fun, huh?</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> Not really.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. Uh, want something-want something to drink?</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Uh great! How do you feel about <i>Diet Coke</i>?</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> I’m not allowed to have soda.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. Well that’s pretty much all that we have—Oh! Oh! Have
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you ever had a virgin margarita? (Holds up a bottle of margarita mix.)</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> What’s a virgin?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Water it is.</p>
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<p><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are talking. Joey and Phoebe are getting
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coffee.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What about the second minister we met with? I kinda liked him.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You mean the spitter?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Come on! It wasn’t that bad!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Easy for you to say; you’ll be wearing a veil.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> All right, what about the third guy?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Can you blame him?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Sorry, I just don’t like the idea of when I say "I
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do," he’s thinking, "Yeah, I’d do her too!"</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well then we still have a problem.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (returning with Joey) With what?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, we’re trying to find someone to perform our wedding and
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they’re all either boring or annoying or y’know, can’t stop staring at the
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ladies. (Points to her chest.)</p>
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<p>(Joey nods his approval.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oo! You should have one of us do it!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe, we’re getting <b>married</b>, married; not sixth grade
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married.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No! No! It’s-it’s uh a real thing! Anyone can get ordained on
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the Internet and perform like weddings and stuff!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Are you serious?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yes! A friend of mine did it and it’s totally legal!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I call it!!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What?! No! It was my idea!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Guys thank you very much but neither of you is marrying us.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Does calling it not mean anything anymore?!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy! And when I say
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legitimate I mean, gay and in control of his saliva!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Ben are sitting on the couch bored out of their
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minds.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ben y’know when uh, when you were a baby, you and I used to hang
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out all the time. ‘Cause I was, I was your daddy’s girlfriend.</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> But you’re not anymore!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No, I’m not.</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> ‘Cause you guys were on a break.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey! We were <b>not</b> on a—Okay. That’s fine! Fine.
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Y’know what Ben? One day when you are a lot older I am going to tell you that entire
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story over a pitcher of real margaritas, okay?</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> When’s my daddy coming back?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (checks her watch) Fifty-two minutes. (Pause) So no-no brothers and
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sisters, huh? That must be nice. You don’t have to share stuff.</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> Sharing is good.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, you’re one of <b>those</b>. But y’know what? I have two
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sisters of my own and we just-just tortured each other.</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> Really? Like how?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well y’know, we would umm, repeat everything the other said, or uh,
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we’d jump out of closets to scare each other, or switch the sugar for the salt so
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they’d put salt on their cereal.</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> (laughs) That’s a good one.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah? You like that one?</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> Yeah, you’re funny.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’m funny? Oh thank God! Well hey, I’ve got a ton of these!
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Umm, oh here—Do you want a good one? Here’s a good one. Umm, you uh, you take a
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quarter, take a quarter and, and you blacken the edge. Right? (Does so.) And then you say
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to person, I bet you can’t roll this quarter from your forehead to your chin without
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it leaving your face. And then when they do it, they’re left with a big black pencil
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line right down the center of their face.</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> Can I do it to you?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, I-I-I-I’m funny Ben, but I’m not stupid. Okay?</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch as Joey enters.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> So, did you uh, find anyone to marry you guys yet?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, but Horny for Monica Minister called, wanting to know if we were
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still together.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> We’re never gonna find anybody.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Well then let me do it!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Joe…</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No-no-no! Look, I’ve been thinking about it. I’m an actor right?
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So I won’t get nervous talking in front of people.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Joey look it’s really sweet…</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No-no-no-no look no! I won’t spit, and I won’t stare at
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Monica’s breasts! Y’know? Everyone knows I’m an ass man!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> That is true.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah and the most important thing is that it won’t be some like,
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stranger up there who barely knows you. It’ll be me! And I swear I’ll do a
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really good job. Plus, y’know I love you guys and-and it would really mean a lot to
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me.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Monica) Y’know, we haven’t found anybody else.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> It might be kinda cool.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> So I can do it?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah you can do it.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right!!! Okay!! All right! Okay-okay, I gotta get started on my
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speech! Oh, wait a minute, Internet ministers can still have sex right?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p>(Phoebe enters slowly.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey Pheebs, how’s it going?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, I have a headache. A horrible headache!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, I’m sorry. Can I get you something?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh my God, you’ve <b>got</b> to stop chattering!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Here, take a couple of these. (She gets up to grab a couple of pills.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What is it?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> It’s Hexadrin.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh no, I don’t believe in Western medicine. No, if you just apply
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pressure to these points right here. (She’s pinching the bit of skin between her
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right thumb and forefinger with her left hand.) Then your hand starts to hurt and you
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still have a headache, so thanks. (Takes the pills.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, while we’re waiting for these pills to kick in, I’m
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gonna sit you down on the couch. Come on. (Phoebe gets up and goes with her.) Get some
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nice soft pillows under your head, I’m gonna turn the TV on and you can watch
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whatever you want. And I’m—Sit down—(She sits down on the couch)—gonna
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make you some tea. And then, I’m gonna rub your feet.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh! My head! Oh! (He’s sitting on the chair, lies back, and puts his
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feet up for Monica to rub.) Oh!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is reading and there is knock on the door which she
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answers.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Coming. </p>
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<p>(She opens the door to reveal Ross with a pencil mark from his forehead to his chin.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I have a bone to pick with you.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Uh-oh.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yes! Ben learned a little trick.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh yeah? Did he pull the old… (She is waving her hand up and down
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her face. She’s thinking about the pencil mark.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> That’s right! That’s right! <i>Saran Wrap</i> on the toilet seat
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so the pee goes everywhere!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh that.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah that! You know I hate practical jokes! They’re mean and
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they’re stupid and-and I don’t want my son learning them!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, come on! <i>Saran Wrap</i> on the toilet seat, you don’t think
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that’s just a little funny?!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I was barefoot. Now tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing you taught
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him right?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (looking at his mark) Yes.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are there.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> It’s amazing! My headache is completely gone! What are those pills
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called?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hexadrin. (She gets the box out of her purse.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, I love you Hexadrin! (She kisses the box.) Oh look! It comes with a
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story! (She pulls out the instructions and side effects paper.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No Phoebe, those are like the side effects and stuff.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Say what?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Y’know, the possible side effects.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh my God! (Starts reading them.) Dizziness, nervousness, drowsiness,
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facial swelling, nausea, headache—Headache. Vomiting, stomach bleeding, liver damage!
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Now okay, I don’t recall any of this coming up when you gave me these little death
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capsules! Oh I’m sorry, extra strength death capsules!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe, relax none of that stuff ever happens! They just put it on there
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for legal reasons!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Why?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> In case it happens.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani! (Holds up the piece of paper bearing
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the proof of his ordination.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You did it! You got ordained?!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, I just got off the Internet! Man, there is a lot of porn out there!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Our minister…</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I have liver damage. Ow! Oh! (She grabs the left side of her torso.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe, your liver is right here. (She points to the right side of her
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torso.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, then I must be disoriented.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Anyway, I started working on what I’m going to say for the ceremony,
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do you wanna hear it?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Now-now, listen this is just a first draft so… (Starts to read the
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piece of paper he brought.) "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to
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celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share." (Monica and Chandler like
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it so far.) Eh? (He continues reading.) "It is a love based on giving and receiving.
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As well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and
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received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving." (Phoebe nods
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her approval.) "We too can share and love and have and receive."</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Monica) Should we call the spitter?</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Carol and Susan’s, there is a knock on the door and Carol opens it to
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reveal Rachel.]</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Hey Rachel! (The camera cuts to her face and we see that Ben pulled the
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quarter trick with her as well.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> What a nice surprise! What are you doing here?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well y’know I was just in the neighborhood and I passed by your
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building and I thought to myself, "What’s up with Carol and sweet, little
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Ben?"</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Can I ask what—Come on in.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Umm uh, I’ll make some coffee and we can uh, chat.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’d love that. I would loooove… (Carol goes to make the coffee
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and she sits down.) So uh, so where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little...</p>
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<p><b>Ben:</b> (jumping up from behind her chair) Gotcha!! (Rachel jumps up startled.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I found him! (To Ben) Very funny, come here! (She sits down on the
|
||
coffee table and Ben walks up.) That is exactly why I’ve come here to talk to you
|
||
okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> (from the kitchen) Rach, do you want some sugar in your coffee?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes oh—(To Ben)—Do I want sugar in my coffee? (Ben nods no.)
|
||
No, just some milk would be good Carol. Thanks. (To Ben) Okay, do you remember all that
|
||
stuff I taught you yesterday?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ben:</b> (mimicking her) Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Don’t do that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ben:</b> Don’t do that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Seriously, your dad doesn’t like pranks.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ben:</b> Seriously, your dad doesn’t like pranks.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh damnit!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ben:</b> Oh damnit!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! Don’t say that! Don’t say that!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ben:</b> Damnit!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No don’t! Go back to repeating!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ben:</b> Damnit!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh crap!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ben:</b> Oh crap!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are returning from
|
||
Central Perk.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I feel like my face is swelling. (To Monica) Is my face swelling?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe, your face is fine! Come on, none of this stuff is going to
|
||
happen to you! Stop being such a baby!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, interesting you should call me that! Now that I may never have one!
|
||
(Holds up the warning label.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay you guys, I got a little more written. Are you ready?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah. O-okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (reading) "When I think of the love that these two givers and
|
||
receivers share, I can not help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and
|
||
giving and…" And then I can’t think of a good word for right here. (He
|
||
points to the stop on the paper where he left off.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> How about receiving?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yes!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> See Joe, not that that’s not grrreat! But, one of the cool things
|
||
about having somebody we know perform the ceremony is that it can be about us!
|
||
Y’know, it can be more personal. You can tell stories about us!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Ooh, like the time you and I went to Atlantic City and I made you laugh so
|
||
hard you threw up your whole steak?! Remember?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, not us… (Motions Joey and him.) Us! (Motions Monica and him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I gotcha. Sorry. (To Monica) So, did you ever make him throw up a whole
|
||
anything?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Did you ever feed him a poison capsule that made him bleed from the
|
||
eyes?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> It doesn’t say that!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh! Suddenly somebody knows all about the side effects!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> See Joe, we want you to tell stories but y’know, romantic
|
||
stories. Nice stories.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh. Okay. Ooh! Ooh! Okay, maybe I’ll talk about London! Y’know
|
||
when you two hooked up! Only, only I won’t say hooked up. I’ll say, "Began
|
||
their beautiful journey…"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> There you go!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> "…by doin’ it."</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Joe?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay. All right. Umm, so uh, so how did it happen? Did your eyes meet
|
||
across the room? And then the next thing y’know you’re in the bathtub together
|
||
and she’s feeding you strawberries?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Isn’t that what happened with you and the bridesmaid?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah!! I call that London style.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No that is not what happened with us. Well, I was umm, I was really sad
|
||
that night because this guy thought that I was Ross’s mom.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> And then Chandler was, was really sweet and he consoled me. And well we
|
||
drank too much…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah baby!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> And I was a perfect gentleman and I walked her to her hotel room and
|
||
said goodnight.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> But then later that night…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah baby!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to London, Chandler’s hotel room. He is getting ready for bed by doing
|
||
push-ups. One push-up. Just as he gets under the covers, there’s a knock on the
|
||
door.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (answering the door) Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (standing outside) Cute PJ’s! You’re really livin’ it up
|
||
here in London huh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well I was… I wasn't exactly expecting company after…(He looks
|
||
at his watch.) 9:15.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (entering) Is Joey here?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, last time I saw him he was heading out the door with the
|
||
bridesmaid and a bucket of strawberries. So uh, you’re not still upset about
|
||
what that guy told ya are ya?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Wouldn’t you be?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, look it’s been a really emotional time y’know, and
|
||
you’ve had a lot to drink. And you’ve just got to let that <b>go</b> okay? I
|
||
mean you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Really?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You kidding? You’re the most beautiful woman in most rooms…
|
||
(She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What’s going
|
||
on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, not anymore.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> But we don’t do that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I know, I just thought it would be fun.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> How drunk are you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Drunk enough to know that I want to do this. Not so drunk that you
|
||
should feel guilty about taking advantage.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (thinks) That’s the perfect amount!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (breaking the kiss) Y’know what’s weird?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> This doesn’t feel weird!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I know.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You’re a really good kisser.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna
|
||
get under the covers?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hm-hmm!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They do so and they take off their clothes.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Wow! You are really fast!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> We’re gonna see each other naked.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yep!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Do you wanna do it at the same time?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Count of three?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> One!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Two!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Two!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica and <b>Chandler:</b></b> Three! (They lift up the covers and check each other
|
||
out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well I think it’s safe to say that our friendship is effectively
|
||
ruined.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Eh, we weren’t that close anyway!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Eh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They start making out again, and it takes Joey trying to enter to stop them.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Joey! Joey! Joey! J-J-Joey-Joey-J-Joey! (Monica hides under the covers
|
||
as Joey enters. Remember?)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey Joe! I was just watching a movie-e-e… (Notices that the TV is
|
||
turned off.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, dude I’m so sorry!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No! No! No!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey no-no-no-no! It’s cool! It’s cool! I-I’ll only be a
|
||
second, I’m still with my bridesmaid, I just—Where are those condoms you
|
||
brought?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> They’re in my bag over there. (Points.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Ah. (Joey walks to Chandler’s bag by getting as far away from
|
||
Chandler’s bed as possible.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Uh, could you leave me one?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (pause) For just you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey listen, why don’t you come downstairs with me? There’s some
|
||
really nice girls down there.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No I-I-I’m fine.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> All right, here you go buddy. (He tosses him one.) Go nuts. (Exits.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut back to Monica and Chandler telling Phoebe and Joey the story.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> That’s what that was?! ‘Cause that other thing? I thought you
|
||
were on to something, but it did nothing for me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, can we change the topic? Because it’s <b>really</b> doing
|
||
nothing for me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh… (To Chandler) Can you imagine if I hadn’t left you that last
|
||
one? You two might’ve never gotten together. Ooh-ooh! Could you imagine if I sent
|
||
that hooker up to the room like I was gonna?! It’s like it was in the stars!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, it’s totally meant to be. (To Monica) Tell him who you
|
||
originally wanted to hook up with that night.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (To Joey) What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Who did you originally want to hook up with?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, fine but <b>please</b> don’t be upset! Okay? I was really
|
||
depressed okay? And really drunk! I just wanted something stupid and meaningless. I just
|
||
wanted…just sex. So, when I…went to your room that night…I was actually
|
||
looking…for Joey. (Joey smiles.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah baby! (Chandler glares at him.) No baby!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Monica) So you came to the room looking for Joey? Did you ever
|
||
in-intend on telling me about this?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No, because it-it didn’t seem important.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, it’s not important? It’s not important?! If it
|
||
wasn’t for a bridesmaid you’d be marrying him (Points to Joey) not me!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Noo!! The point is that is was <b>you</b> that was there that night! It
|
||
is <b>you</b> that I am marrying! It is <b>you</b> that I fell in love with!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> And it is a love that is based on having and giving and receiv—(Shuts
|
||
up on Monica’s glare.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I don’t believe it. The most romantic night of my life and
|
||
I’m runner up.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Chandler, please! Do you know how unbelievably glad I am that Joey was
|
||
not there that night?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey! (Monica turns and looks at him) Now I’m a man of the cloth, but
|
||
I still have feelings!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Joey) Look there is no way you’re doing this wedding now.
|
||
Okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What?! That’s not fair! It’s not my fault! I was off with my
|
||
bridesmaid! And who’s to say I would’ve even said yes?! (To Monica) I
|
||
mean I would’ve said yes. Chandler look y-y-you are making way too big a deal out of
|
||
this, all right? Look, everything worked out okay!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, it’s just weird! Okay? I don’t want to be standing
|
||
their saying my vows and then having the mental image of you and Monica! I-I-I need…I
|
||
don’t know what I need. I need a walk.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Wait Chandler come on, let’s—it’s not a big deal!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> It is to me. You wanted to sleep with <i>Batman</i>, and instead you
|
||
had to settle for <i>Robin</i>. (Walks out and slams the door.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> This is crazy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I know! <i>Robin</i> is so gay!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Carol and Susan’s, Rachel is talking with Ben.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> So now what have we agreed?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ben:</b> No more pranks.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> And-and what else?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ben:</b> That you and daddy were not on a break.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Very good.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(There’s a knock on the door and Ross enters.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Rachel! What are you doing here?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’m just visiting my good friend Carol.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Your good friend?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What’s her last name?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Carol…Lesbian?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Nice. And by the way that uh, that line down my face?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What line?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Wh-wh-what line? The <b>line</b> that prompted a student in my last class
|
||
of the day to say uh, (In a college frat boy voice) "Dude, don’t you ever wash
|
||
your face?"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> All right, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but you
|
||
were so mad already!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Of course I was mad! I told you I-I hate this stuff! Okay? It-it’s
|
||
not funny!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> (entering from the kitchen) Hey Ross!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> What’s not funny?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Practical jokes.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Oh I…I think they’re funny.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You have a line down your face.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> What? (Goes and checks.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, maybe they are not funny to you…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> (yelling from the bathroom) Oh my God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Or Carol! But they’re funny to kids and who is it hurting?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh, y’know what? I’ll tell you who it hurts! It hurts the kid
|
||
who has all his clothes stolen in gym class so he has to go to the principal’s office
|
||
wearing nothing but a catcher’s mitt!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> That was <b>you</b>?! We heard about you in Junior High! Did you really
|
||
just shake your fist in the air and shout, "I will be revenged?!"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I will be! Listen, I don’t want you teaching my son that stuff
|
||
anymore. Okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Fine. Fine, but I’ll have you know that once I taught him that
|
||
stuff he called me Fun Aunt Rachel. And I loved being Fun Aunt Rachel but I’ll go
|
||
back to being Boring and Uncomfortable Aunt Rachel if that’s what you want!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No that’s not what I want. Uh, I’m glad you guys were bonding
|
||
but I…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Look he doesn’t have any brothers or sisters, somebody’s gonna
|
||
have to teach him this stuff! And I haven’t taught him anything that a normal
|
||
6-year-old doesn’t know anyway!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ben:</b> (yelling from off camera) Crap!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I gotta go! (Runs out.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sulking on the couch as Joey enters to talk with
|
||
him.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey. Do you want this scone? (Holds up his plate) It came for me but
|
||
it would probably rather sleep with you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Chandler, come on nothing even happened!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Look Joe, I know you wanted to do the wedding…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> No-hey-no! If you don’t want me to do it, I accept that. I don’t
|
||
care about that. I just…I don’t want you to be upset.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> How can I not be upset? Okay? I <b>finally</b> fall in love with this
|
||
fantastic woman and it turns out that she wanted you first!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah for like a half an hour one night! Chandler, she wants you for the
|
||
rest of her life! You’re so lucky! Look what I missed out on by not being there!
|
||
Although you know what? It could never have worked like you guys did, ‘cause you guys
|
||
are perfect for each other. Y’know, we look at you and-and we see you together and it
|
||
just…it-it fits. Y’know? And you just know it’s gonna last forever.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> That’s what you should say.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> When you’re marrying us; that’s what you should say.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Really? I can do it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’d love it if you would do it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey! (They hug.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> But those are the words! Those <b>exact</b> words!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well I don’t know if I remember exactly but, it’s-it’s pretty
|
||
much about having and giving and sharing and receiving.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is in the kitchen as Ross and Ben are entering.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey I’m sorry to do this to you again but uh, is there any way you
|
||
can look after Ben for a little bit? I-I’ve got this meeting at school. And-and he-he
|
||
asked for his uh, ‘Fun Aunt’ Rachel, so…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohhh! Well of course I will watch him! We have fun, don’t we Ben?
|
||
(He nods yes.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, I’ll see you later pal.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross turns to leave.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh, okay. (Ross has a sign on his back that reads ‘Poop.’)
|
||
Wh—Ah-ha! (Ross stops and turns.) Wait a minute. Uh Ben, I can’t do it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I can’t let him go out that way, he’s got a meeting. (To Ross)
|
||
You’ve got something here on your back.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What? (She takes the sign off and hands it to him.) That’s great.
|
||
That is great. (Crumples up the paper and throws it down in anger.) What did we just
|
||
finish talking about Ben?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh I…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ben:</b> What did we just finish talking about Ben?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> All right, that’s it! (He runs over to Ben, who runs past him and
|
||
out the door.) Come—you—no! You are in big trouble young man!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! Wait! Come on!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to the hallway, Ben runs upstairs with Ross in pursuit.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Wait! No! Ben, come here! I am <b>not</b> kidding!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No you guys… (She walks out into the hallway.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I-I-am—(Suddenly Ross starts screaming and comes falling down the
|
||
stairs landing just in front of Rachel.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> EHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My God!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!!! (She runs over to
|
||
him and finds that it was a dummy and that she had been had.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are entering. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on
|
||
the couch.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey-hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> So are guys doing okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, we talked and Monica made me see that I over reacted a little
|
||
bit and some things in life are more important.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah baby! (Phoebe and Joey nod.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I’m really glad you guys are okay but, I just keep thinking what
|
||
would happen if-if you two (Points to Monica and Joey) actually had hooked up.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Joey’s, Monica is cooking.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Honey! Dinner’s ready!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey, whose new diet is working out great, he looks like he only weighs 375 down from
|
||
420 enters from the bedroom.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Fat</strong> <b>Joey:</b> What’s my little chef got for me tonight?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Your favorite!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Ho-ho-ho, (pausing for a rest next to the fridge) fried stuff with cheese!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yep! And lot’s of it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Fat</strong> <b>Joey:</b> Thanks sweetheart. Give me a little sugar here. (They
|
||
kiss.) Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey sits down.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, in we go.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Monica gets behind him and in combination with his sliding the chair forward and her
|
||
pushing with her leg manages to get up to the table.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Fat</strong> <b>Joey:</b> Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! (Groans and picks
|
||
up a piece of food.) How you doin’?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Ending Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is getting Phoebe some coffee.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Here you go.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (still reading the label) Oh my God! This is a six-hour pill! (Checks
|
||
her watch) That’s it! I’m out of the woods! Ohh! What a relief!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Good for you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, it’s like a huge weight has been lifted! ‘Cause look, (reads
|
||
the side effects) no hair loss, not a rash, no hives, I’m just so happy! Because no
|
||
shortness of breath, no temporary euphoria—Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |