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1127 lines
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<!-- saved from url=(0055)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season1/116part1.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<meta name="GENERATOR" content="Microsoft FrontPage 3.0">
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<title>The One With Two Parts, part 1</title>
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<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
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<body link="#008000" vlink="#800080" bgcolor="#ffffff" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="CENTER">The One With Two Parts, part 1</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:tennant@argonet.co.uk">Mindy Mattingly</a><br>
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With Minot Adjustments by: <a href="mailto:tennant@argonet.co.uk">Tennant Stuart</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Rift’s Restaurant, as seen in <i>Mad About You</i>, Joey and Chandler are
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there.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: This is unbelievable. It’s been like a half an hour. If this was a
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cartoon, you’d be looking like a ham right about now.</p>
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<p>(Ursula Buffay, Phoebe’s identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her
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inimitable manner.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey</b>: There’s the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?</p>
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<p>(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming
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from.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: It’s Phoebe! Hi!</p>
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<p>(Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ursula</b>: Hi. Okay, will that be all?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing here?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ursula</b>: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello
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Miss," so now I’m here.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey</b>: No, no... how come you are working here?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ursula</b>: Right, yeah, ’cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are
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really cute.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Can we start over?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ursula</b>: Yeah. Okay great. I’m gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler and Joey</b>: No, no, no!</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets.
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Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: I don’t know whether he’s testing me, or just acting out, but my
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monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine,
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"supposedly" by accident.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: No, yeah, I’ve done that.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and
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peed all over the crossword.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: I’ve never done that.</p>
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<p>(Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to peer through the window at Phoebe,
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by bending down to look underneath the shop’s sign—a large steaming cup of
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coffee.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn’t look exactly like
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her sister.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey</b>: I’m sayin’ I see a difference.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: They’re twins!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey</b>: I don’t care. Phoebe’s Phoebe. Ursula’s... hot!</p>
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<p>(Joey and Chandler come indoors.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey</b>: Yeah.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Let’s not do that any more.</p>
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<p>(They hang up their coats and scarves, then approach their friends on the main sofa.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>All</b>: Hey guys! Hey!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey</b>: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Ooh, ooh, fun! Okay... um, Liam Neeson.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey</b>: Nope.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Morly Safer.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey</b>: Nope.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: The woman who cuts my hair!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica</b>: Okay, look, this could be a really long game.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Your sister Ursula.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: (Her face dropping) Oh, really.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh...</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Rift’s. Yeah, I know.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven’t talked in like years.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey</b>: Not from where <b>I</b> was standin’.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: (Turning to Chandler) where were you standing?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don’t get along?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone
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always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to
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start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it
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was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?"</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: Oh, Pheebs, I’m sorry, I’ve got to go. I’ve got Lamaze class.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Oh, and I’ve got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in Gym.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: No, Susan’s gonna be there too. We’ve got dads, we’ve got
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lesbians, the whole parenting team.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: Well, isn’t, isn’t that gonna be weird?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been
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at first, but by now I, I think I’m pretty comfortable with the whole situation.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica</b>: Ross, that’s <b>my</b> jacket.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: I know.</p>
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<p>(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing
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themselves to the teacher, who’s got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol,
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and Susan.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Woman</b>: Hi, we’re the Rostins. Err, I’m J.C., and he’s Michael, and
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we’re having a boy, <b>and</b> a girl.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Teacher</b>: Good for you. Alrighty, next?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: Hi, um, I’m err, (has to clear his throat) I’m Ross Geller, and err
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ah... (pats Carol’s bulge) ..that’s, that’s my boy in there, and uh,
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(points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carol’s,
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just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent
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until) ..who’s next?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Teacher</b>: I’m sorry, I didn’t get... Susan is?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: Susan is Carol’s, Carol’s, Carol’s, friend...</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Carol</b>: Life partner.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: Like buddies.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Susan</b>: Like lovers.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: You know how close women can get.</p>
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<p>(The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up. Susan and Carol pat each other
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affectionately.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Carol</b>: Susan and I live together.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: Although I was married to her.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Susan</b>: Carol, not me.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: Err, right.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Carol</b>: It’s a little complicated.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: A little.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Susan</b>: But we’re fine.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah!
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That’s like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.</p>
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<p>[Scene : Chandler's Office, Chandler is working.]</p>
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<p>(Helen’s buzzer is heard on the intercom, so Chandler presses his button, too.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: And (he imitates the buzzer) to you too, Helen.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Helen</b>: (Over the intercom) Nina Bookbinder is here to see you.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Oh, okay. Send her in.</p>
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<p>(He hurriedly checks his hair in his computer screen, before taking a sporting trophy
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from a drawer to place ostentatiously on his desk. An attractive young woman opens the
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door.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Nina</b>: Hi.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Hi, Nina. Come on in.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Nina</b>: You wanted to see me?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Uh, Yes. Yes. I’ve just been going over your data here, and little
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thing, you’ve been post-dating your Friday numbers.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Nina</b>: Which is bad, because?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Nina</b>: Your... excuse me?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: WENUS. (Coughs) Weekly Estimated Net...</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Nina</b>: Oh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha, gotcha. Won’t happen again. I
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wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt your... "wenus."</p>
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<p>(Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches her drift, but for once he’s
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lost for something to say &ndash; so she nods her head to tell him that he’s
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thinking correctly...)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese
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takeout, while the sitcom <em>Family Matters</em> is playing on the TV.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: It’s not just that she’s cute, okay. It’s just that...
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she’s really really cute.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: It doesn’t matter. You don’t dip your pen in the company ink.</p>
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<p>(Marcel scampers about, interfering with the neatness.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica</b>: Ross, your little creature’s got the remote again.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the
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remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...</p>
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<p>(Marcel points the remote at Monica’s television, pressing a particular
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combination of keys. The logo SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the dialogue is
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dubbed into Spanish.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica</b>: Great.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: Relax, I’ll fix it.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: (Looking at the television) Cool... "Urkel" in Spanish is
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"Urkel."</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: (Looking out at the balcony) So tell me something, is leaving the
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Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?</p>
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<p>(Rachel slowly spins around, finally noticing that the lights have outstayed their
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welcome.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica</b>: Ah no, you see, <b>someone</b> was supposed to take them down around New
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Year’s... but obviously <b>someone</b> forgot.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: Well, <b>someone</b> was supposed to write "Rach, take down the
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lights" and put it on the re... frigerate... (finally noticing Monica’s note
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stuck to the refrigerator) How long has that been there?</p>
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<p>(Joey enters, looking extremely pleased with himself.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Hey, where you been?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey</b>: I went back to Riff’s. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was
|
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coffee, she brought me a tuna melt<a href="http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season1/116part1.htm#%C2%A0toasted%20tuna%20sandwich">t</a> and four
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plates of curly fries.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Score.</p>
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<b>
|
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</b><p><b>Joey</b>: She is so hot!</p>
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||
<b>
|
||
|
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</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run
|
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it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey</b>: Pheebs?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: (Jumping up) Yeah?</p>
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||
<b>
|
||
|
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</b><p><b>Joey</b>: You think it would be okay if I asked out your sister?</p>
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||
<b>
|
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|
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</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Why? Why would you wanna... do that? Why?</p>
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||
<b>
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||
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</b><p><b>Joey</b>: So that if we went out on a date, she’d be there.</p>
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||
<b>
|
||
|
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</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Well, I mean, I’m not my sister’s, you know, whatever, and um...
|
||
I mean, it’s true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, we’ve grown apart,
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so, um... I don’t know, why not? Okay.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey</b>: Cool, thanks.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits.
|
||
Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross</b>: You okay?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Yeah I’m fine.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica
|
||
do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the
|
||
rhythm.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just
|
||
finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins’
|
||
pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency
|
||
surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
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</b><p><b>Ross</b>: Sorry.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross</b>: Hi. Sorry I’m late. Where’s, where’s Carol?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Susan</b>: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can go. I’ll get the
|
||
information.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross</b>: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know
|
||
what’s going on.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Susan</b>: Oh, good. This’ll be fun.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
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|
||
</b><p><b>Teacher</b>: Alrighty. We’re gonna start with some basic third stage breathing
|
||
exercises, so Mummies, why don’t you get on your back? And... coaches, you should be
|
||
supporting Mummy’s head.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross and Susan</b>: What? What? What?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Susan</b>: I am supposed to be the mommy?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross</b>: Okay, I’m gonna play my sperm card <b>one</b> more time.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Susan</b>: Look, I don’t see why I should have to miss out on the coaching
|
||
training just because I’m a woman.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross</b>: I see. So what do you propose to do?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Susan</b>: I will flip you for it.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross</b>: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Susan</b>: (Triumphantly) On your back... Mom.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susan’s lap like all the
|
||
other fathers.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Teacher</b>: Alright, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Teacher</b>: Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler's Office. Chandler is playing with a toy as his boss Mr. Douglas
|
||
knocks and opens the door.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Mr. D, how’s it going, sir?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mr. Douglas</b>: Ohh, it’s been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: And?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mr. Douglas</b>: It’s pretty ugly. We haven’t seen an ANUS this bad since the
|
||
seventies.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: So what does this mean?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mr. Douglas</b>: Well, we’re gonna be layin’ off people in every department.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my
|
||
hair was very very &ndash;</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mr. Douglas</b>: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler's Office, later that day, Nina is in his office.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Nina? Nina. (He goes around his desk to where she is sitting.) Nina. (In
|
||
pain) Nina.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(She sympathetically reaches out to fondle the inner thigh of his left leg.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Nina</b>: Are you okay?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: (Looking down at her hand) Yes, yes I am. Err, listen, the reason that I
|
||
called you in here today was, err... please don’t hate me.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Nina</b>: (Taking her hand away) What?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: (Suddenly bright) Would you like to have dinner sometime?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Nina gasps in surprise and relief.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is at the counter, serving coffee to Phoebe.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything from <em>Crabtree and Evelyn</em>?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: Ooh, okay... good.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Jamie Buchman and Fran Devanow enter the coffee house. They look about them as Jamie
|
||
removes her coat and scarf.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Jamie</b>: What is this place?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Fran</b>: Look, you’re cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign)
|
||
..there’s a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Jamie notices Phoebe sitting at the counter.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Jamie</b>: I think we have an answer.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Fran</b>: What’s she doing here?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Jamie</b>: This could be God’s way of telling us to eat at home.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Fran</b>: Think she got fired at Riff’s?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Jamie</b>: No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept... (shuddering at the memory)
|
||
..bringing swordfish. (Indicating the ladies’ bathroom) are you gonna go to the, um?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Fran</b>: I’m gonna wait till after we order. It’s her, right.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Jamie</b>: It looks like her.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Phoebe walks by, ignoring the two strangers.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Jamie</b>: Um, excuse me.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Yeah?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Jamie</b>: Hi, it’s us.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: (Smiling blankly) Right, and it’s me.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Jamie</b>: So, so you’re here too?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Much as you are.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Jamie</b>: (Without moving her lips) Your turn.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Fran</b>: Err... we know what we want.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: (Philosophically) Oh, that’s good.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Jamie</b>: All we want is two Caffe Lattes.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Fran</b>: And some biscottie cookies.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Good choice.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Phoebe turns away so that the two weird women won’t see the face she pulls, and
|
||
sits down.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Jamie</b>: Definitely her.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Fran</b>: Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><b><font size="3">Commercial break</font></b></p>
|
||
|
||
<p><font size="3">[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is watching a Spanish version
|
||
of The Waltons. At a nearby table sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, and
|
||
Chandler supplying them both from a skein which is spread between his hands.]</font></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Phoebe uses the remote to stop the Spanish by turning off the television.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica</b>: I can’t believe you. You still haven’t told that girl she
|
||
doesn’t have a job yet?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Well, you still haven’t taken down the Christmas lights.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica</b>: Congratulations, I think you’ve found the world’s thinnest
|
||
argument.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: I’m just trying to find the right moment, you know?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: Oh, well, that shouldn’t be so hard, now that you’re dating.
|
||
(Imitating men at their worst) "Sweetheart, you’re fired, but how ’bout a
|
||
quickie before I go to work?"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey lets himself in, carrying a large paper shopping bag.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey</b>: Hey.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel and Chandler</b>: Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(There is a loud knocking at the door through which Joey has just entered.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: You know, once you’re inside, you don’t have to knock any more.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica</b>: I’ll get it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(She rises, dragging Chandler along by the wool. Rachel has to leap over a chair to
|
||
follow them. Monica opens the door to find Mr. Heckles standing there.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica</b>: Oh. Hi, Mr.Heckles.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mr.Heckles</b>: You’re doing it again.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica</b>: We’re not doing anything. We’re just sitting around talking,
|
||
quietly.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mr.Heckles</b>: I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can’t sleep.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: You don’t even have cats.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mr.Heckles</b>: I could have cats.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica</b>: (Closing the door) Goodbye Mr.Heckles.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: We’ll try to keep it down.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The wool-bound trio returns to the table. Rachel has to rush ahead to avoid becoming
|
||
tangled. Joey brings the shopping bag over to Phoebe, and takes out a nice cardigan.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey</b>: Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could you try this on? I just wanna make
|
||
sure it fits.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Ooh, my first birthday present... (delightedly examining the cardigan in
|
||
her lap) ..oh, this is really...</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey</b>: Oh, no no no. It’s for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Ohhh... Sure, yeah... (disgustedly dropping the cardigan back into the bag)
|
||
..okay, it fits.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The others have been taking all this in.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: Are you seein’ her again tonight?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey</b>: Yep. Ice Capades.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Wow, this is serious. I’ve never known you to pay money for any kind
|
||
of capade.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey</b>: I don’t know. I like her, you know. She’s different. There’s
|
||
uh, somethin’ about her.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: That you like, (snappily confronting Joey over the heads of the knitting
|
||
circle) we get it. You like her. Great!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The circle freezes in apprehension.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey</b>: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and you said it was okay.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Alright, well, maybe now it’s not okay.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey</b>: Okay... Well maybe now I’m not okay with it not being okay.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(An embarrassed silence... finally broken by)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Knit, good woman, knit, knit!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Monica frantically bursts into action as Rachel resumes winding, tangling
|
||
Chandler’s wool.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler & Nina are locked in a passionate embrace.
|
||
Someone knocks, so they hurriedly separate to stare out of the window. Chandler’s
|
||
boss opens the door.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: And that’s the Chrysler Building right there.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mr. Douglas</b>: Nina.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Nina</b>: Mr.Douglas... (flirting defensively) ..cool tie.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(She escapes, fortunately so distracting Mr. Douglas, that he misses Chandler’s
|
||
expression of alarm & guilt.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mr. Douglas</b>: (Shutting the door, then pointing vaguely at Nina’s shapely
|
||
departure) She’s still here.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Yes, yes she is. Didn’t I memo you on this? See, after I let her go,
|
||
err, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Thinking quickly, Chandler desperately tries to remember anything to do with
|
||
schizophrenia....) </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: And err, he informed me that uh, she took the news rather badly, in fact,
|
||
he uh, mentioned the word frenzy.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mr. Douglas</b>: You’re kidding? She seems so...</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Oh, no, no. Nina... (miming fairies twinkling around his head) ..she is
|
||
whooo wewee-woo whoo whoo! In fact, if you asked her right now, she would have no
|
||
recollection of being fired at all, none at all.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mr. Douglas</b>: That’s unbelievable.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: And yet, believable. So I decided not to fire her again until I can be
|
||
assured that she will be no threat to herself, or others.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mr. Douglas</b>: I see. I guess you never really know what’s goin’ on inside
|
||
a person’s head.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Well, I guess that’s why they call it psychology, sir.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Mr. Douglas screws up his eyes, trying to credit what Bing has just said, but turning
|
||
to follow Nina down the corridor, he realises Bing must be telling the truth, since he
|
||
would not have any personal interest in the girl, would he?)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susan’s lap, but now
|
||
Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is
|
||
showing her class a video, which is about to end.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Soothing male voice</b>: ..a sound Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is the
|
||
miracle of birth.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Teacher</b>: Lights please? And that’s having a baby. Next week is our final
|
||
class.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carol’s doll to hold it upside down like a
|
||
football, slapping it with his other hand.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross</b>: Susan, go deep.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Susan just glares back, as Ross’s inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a
|
||
bubble is about to burst...)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Carol</b>: This is impossible. It’s just impossible.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Susan</b>: What is, honey?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Carol</b>: What that woman... did. I am <b>not</b> doin’ that. It’s just
|
||
gonna have to stay in, that’s all, everything will be the same, it’ll just stay <b>in</b>.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross</b>: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everything’s gonna be alright.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Carol</b>: (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know? No one's going up to you and
|
||
saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this <strong>pot roast
|
||
through it</strong>?"</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Susan</b>: Carol, Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the
|
||
head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Susan</b>: I know it’s frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one
|
||
day, and when it’s over, we’re all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross is staring blankly into space.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Susan</b>: I mean, that’s what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene 13: Central Perk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her brother, who
|
||
in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross</b>: I’m gonna be a father.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: This is just occurring to you?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross</b>: I always knew I was havin’ a baby, I just never realised the baby was
|
||
having me.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: (She comforts him too) Oh, you’re gonna be great!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross</b>: Aw, how can you say that? I can’t even get Marcel to stop eating the
|
||
bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and
|
||
babies are actually different.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey tires of this, so he gets up to leave.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Where’re you going?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey</b>: Out.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: With?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey</b>: (Spreading his arms wide) Yes.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Alright, could I just ask you one question?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey nods his head.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Have you two, you know... like... you know... you know... yet?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey</b>: Well, not that it’s any of your business, but, no, we haven’t,
|
||
okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey walks toward the door, then hesitates and turns back.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey</b>: You meant sex, right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Phoebe buttons her lip, while the rest of the gang pretend they’re not there.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is working as Nina knocks, then opens the door.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Nina</b>: Do you have a sec?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Ah, sure, Nina. What’s up?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Nina</b>: I don’t know. For the past couple days, people have been <b>avoiding</b>
|
||
me and giving me these really strange looks.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Oh, well, ah... maybe that’s because they’re ah... jealous, of
|
||
us.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Nina</b>: Maybe. But that doesn’t explain why they keep taking my scissors.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Ah, well, maybe that’s, ah, because you’re getting a big raise.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Nina</b>: I am?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Sure, why not?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Nina</b>: Oh my god! (Rushing over to give him a big hug) You’re amazing!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Oh, you don’t know. (Presses a button.) Helen, could you make sure
|
||
we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder’s raise?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Helen</b>: (Over the intercom) So you still want me to send her psychological profile
|
||
to Personnel?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Nina</b>: What?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Helen drinks. (Insincerely) Will you marry me?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Nina puts her hands on her hips, then gives Chandler a quizzical look.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl
|
||
of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Well, I ended up telling her everything.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: Oh, how’d she take it?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He holds up a bandaged hand.)
|
||
Little tip: if you’re ever in a similar situation, never <b>ever</b> leave your
|
||
hand... (he mimes Nina taking her revenge) ..on the desk.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica</b>: Okay, I think I get how to do this.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Monica points the remote at her TV, and punches out a key combination from the book,
|
||
but the dreaded SAP logo remains and Spanish still comes forth.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can we just make it... make them go
|
||
away? Because I can’t, I can’t watch.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica</b>: (Remotely turning off the television) okay, Pheebs, they’re gone.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Okay.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica</b>: Are you alright?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Yeah. It’s just, you know, it’s this whole stupid <b>Ursula</b>
|
||
thing, it’s...</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he’s going out with her. I mean, is it
|
||
really so terrible?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I’m not saying she’s like <b>evil</b> or
|
||
anything. She just, you know, she’s always breaking my <b>stuff</b>. When I was
|
||
eight, and I wouldn’t let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the
|
||
bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a
|
||
boyfriend who was like your best friend?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica and Rachel</b>: (Wistfully, shaking their heads) No.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Well, but that’s what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole
|
||
him away, and then... broke his heart... and then he wouldn’t even <b>talk</b> to me
|
||
any more. Because he said he didn’t wanna be around... <b>anything</b> that looked
|
||
like either one of us.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: Oh... Oh, Pheebs.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but...</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler</b>: You’re not gonna lose him.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica</b>: Hon, you gotta talk to Joey.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Yeah. Okay.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross</b>: No, come on, he doesn’t know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: But he’s falling in <b>love</b> with her.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: Oh please, they’ve been going out a week. They haven’t even slept
|
||
together yet, I mean, that’s not serious.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Okay... Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe</b>: Oh, okay, oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joey’s
|
||
apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her
|
||
identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joey’s shirts.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ursula</b>: (Surprised) Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as
|
||
though she owns the place.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ursula</b>: Yeah, um, may we help you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Closing Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is taking down the Christmas lights. Monica
|
||
sees her, so she leans out of the small side window.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica</b>: Rachel, what are you doing? It’s freezing out here. Would you come
|
||
back inside?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so... (she climbs onto the
|
||
railing to reach the top of a pole) ..I’m takin’ ’em down. Okay? Whoa!
|
||
(Screams.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Rachel slips, loses her balance, and falls over the edge..)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica</b>: Oh-my-god Rachel! (Rushing out to look over the edge) Rachel!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(In the apartment below, Mr.Heckles is trying to relax and read his newspaper, but
|
||
Rachel is helplessly dangling upside-down with her ankle wrapped up in the Christmas
|
||
lights.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel</b>: (To Monica) I’m okay! I’m okay! (She knocks on Mr. Heckles's
|
||
window.) Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mr.Heckles</b>: See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking about.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |