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<!-- saved from url=(0054)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season2/206baby.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<title>The One With the Baby on the Bus</title>
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<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
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<body bgcolor="white" text="black" link="green" vlink="black" alink="yellow" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One With the Baby on the Bus</h1>
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<hr align="center">
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<p>Written by: Betsy Borns<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:mmatting@indiana.edu">Mindy Mattingly Phillips</a><br>
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With Minor Adjustments by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p align="left">[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Chandler, Joey, Ross and Ben are
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there. Ben is sitting in his little rocking seat.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Who da wenny-Benny boy? You the Wenny-wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes. (Ben
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starts crying.) Don't cry. Don't cry. (To Ross) Why is he still crying?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Let me hold him for a sec. There. (Ben stops crying) Huh? There we are.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Maye it's me.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Don't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just being Mr. Crankypants.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> There we go. All better. (gives Ben back to Monica)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> There's my little boy. (Ben starts crying again)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Can I uh see something? (Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica,
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Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying. He does that a couple times.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Cool.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> He hates me. My nephew hates me.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Come on, don't do this.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What if my own baby hates me? Huh? What am I gonna do then?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Monica, will you stop? This is nuts. Do you know how long it's gonna
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be before you actually have to deal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a
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boyfriend yet. (Monica glares at him.) Joey, she does not look fat.</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Chandler has a basketball.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (to Chandler) Here you go. (Sets a drink down in front of him.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh hey Monica. (He holds the basketball in front of Monica.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (imitating Ben) Waah!! (Chandler moves the basketball away) Goo, goo, goo.
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(Chandler moves the basketball in front of Monica again.) Waaah!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> That is so funny. Let me see that a sec. (She throws the ball out the
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window)</p>
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<p>(Ross starts to make some gurgling sounds.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Are you ok, Ross?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I don't know. What's in this pie? </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Uh, I don't know, butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi...</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Kiwi? Kiwi? You said it was a key lime pie.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it so special. </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> And that's what's gonna kill me. I'm allergic to kiwi.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No you're not. You're, you're allergic to lobster and peanuts and...</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ugh.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my god.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ugh. It's definitely getting worse.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Is your tongue swelling up?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Either that or my mouth is getting smaller.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> All right, get your coat, we're gonna go to the hospital.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Is he gonna be ok?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, he's just gotta get a shot.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (sitting back down) You know, you know, actually it's getting better. It
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is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone for Thcrabble?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Jacket now.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to a hospital.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> We'll watch him.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I don't think tho.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids.
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Come on, we wanna do it, don't we?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, I was looking forward to playing basketball, but I guess that's
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out the window.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ok, well, if you do take him out for his walk, you might wanna bring his
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hat, and there's extra milk in the fridge, and there's extra diapers in the bag.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hat, milk, got it.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> ??? (speech garbled) Thro up a thro thro<72>a thro thro!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Consider it done.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You understood that?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Is he the one with the beautiful wife?</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is doing some cleaning as Phoebe sits on the couch with
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her guitar.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey Rach, wanna hear the new song I'm thinkin' of singing this
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afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ok.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (singing) <em>I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if
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you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is
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Nirget.</em></p>
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<p><b>Terry:</b> Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see ya for a minute?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What's up?</p>
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<p><b>Terry:</b> F.Y.I.. I've decided to pay a professional musician to play in here on
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Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie... something. She's supposed to be very good.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> But what about Phoebe?</p>
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<p><b>Terry:</b> Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad, it's that she's so bad, she
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makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ok, ok, so you're not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to
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her.</p>
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<p><b>Terry:</b> Uh... (Points at Rachel.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, no no no no. Oh no no no no. I have to do this to her?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (singing) <em>Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and
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lather, rinse, repeat...as needed.</em></p>
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<p>[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are loaded down with baby stuff, and Ben.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to
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pack the baby's anvil?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> It's gonna be worth it. It's a known fact that women love babies, all
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right? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at
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that pack o' babes over there. Maybe one of them will break away. No, no wait, for get
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them, we got one, hard left. All right, gimme the baby.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, I got him.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No, seriously.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, seriously you want him?</p>
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<p><strong>Woman:</strong> Hello.</p>
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<p><strong>Chandler and <b>Joey:</b></strong> Hello.</p>
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<p><strong>Woman:</strong> And who is this little cutie pie?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> You wanna smell him?</p>
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<p><strong>Woman:</strong> I assume we're talking about the baby now.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head.</p>
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<p><strong>Woman:</strong> (She smells his head.) I think my uterus just skipped a beat.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (to Chandler) What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?</p>
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<p><strong>Woman:</strong> I think it's great you guys are doing this.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, we are great guys.</p>
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<p><strong>Woman:</strong> You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to
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adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel has just broken the news to Phoebe.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> But, but this is my gig. This is where I play. My, my name is written
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out there in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Honey, I'm sorry.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> And he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her
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like a throne, and a crown, and like a, you know, gold stick with a ball on top.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Terry is a jerk, ok? That's why we're always saying "Terry's a
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jerk!" That's where that came from.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, ok. You probably did everything you could. </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ok, you know what, lemme, let me just see what else I can do. (She goes
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over to Terry.) All right, look, look. Why don't you just let her go on after Stephanie
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whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't even be here. You don't pay her. It's not gonna
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cost you anything.</p>
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<p><b>Terry:</b> I, I don't know. </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine.</p>
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<p><b>Terry:</b> You don't clean the cappuccino machine?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Of course I clean it. I mean, I,I will cleeeean it. I mean, I will
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cleeeean it.</p>
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<p><b>Terry:</b> Oh, all right, fine, fine, fine.</p>
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<p>(Rachel goes back to Phoebe.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Done.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Really?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah. Who's workin' for you babe?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh! Oh my god. This is so exciting. How much am I gonna get?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well you said that he's paying the people who are playing.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, no, no no. I meant that he's gonna be paying that other woman beause
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she's a professional.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, I'm not gonna be the only one who's not getting paid.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, but Pheebs...</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, huh uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not some like sloppy second, charity
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band. You know what, there are thousands of places in this city where people would be
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happy to pay to hear me play. </p>
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<p>[Time Lapse, Phoebe is on the sidewalk in front of Central Perk singing.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (singing, angrily) <em>When I play, I play for me, I don't need your
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charity</em>. (Someone puts a coin in her guitar case) Thank you! La la la la la la la....</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Monica are waiting for the doctor.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, there's no way I'm gonna get a shot. Maybe they can take the needle
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and thquirt it into my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gun. </p>
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<p><strong>Doctor: </strong>(entering) Hello, there. I'm Dr. Carlin. I see someone's
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having an allergic reaction.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Doctor, can I see you for just a minute please? My brother has a slight
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phobia about needles.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (to Monica) Did you tell him about my thquirt gun idea?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> My brother, the PhD would like to know if there's any way to treat this
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orally. </p>
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<p><b>Doctor:</b> No, under these circumstances it has to be an injection, and it has to
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be now.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Tho?</p>
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<p>(Monica shakes her head.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ohhh.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> That's good, have a seat. Um, the doctor says it's gotta be a needle.
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You're just gonna have to be brave, ok? Can you do that for me?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ok.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Ok. Oh boy. You are doin' so good. You wanna squeeze my hand? </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yes!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. (He grabs her hand.) All right, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard.
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Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard! (The doctor puts in the needle.) Oh, Ross! Let go
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of my hand!</p>
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<p>[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are still trying to pick up women with Ben.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should
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just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey, hey, look at that talent. (Motions to two girls waiting for the bus.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (to taxi driver) Just practicing. You're good. Carry on.</p>
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<p>(Chandler and Joey run to get on the bus.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Wait-wait-wait-wait!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Wait! Wait!</p>
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<p>[Cut to on the bus.]</p>
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<p><strong>Girl No. 1:</strong> Hey, you. He's just adorable.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ok, but can you tell him that, because he thinks he's too pink.</p>
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<p><strong>Girl No. 2:</strong> So what are you guys out doing today?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh we're not out. No, no. We're just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging
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with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doin' the usual straight guy stuff.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (to Joey) You done?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><strong>Girl No. 1</strong>: Oh, there's our stop.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Get outta here. This is our stop too.</p>
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<p><strong>Girl No. 2:</strong> You guys live around here too?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the uh sidewalk.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You know it?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey, look, since we're neighbors and all, what do you say we uh, get
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together for a drink?</p>
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<p>(They all get off the bus.)</p>
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<p><strong>Girl No. 1:</strong> So uh, you wanna go to Marquel's?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, sure, they love us over there.</p>
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<p><strong>Girl No. 2:</strong> Where's your baby?</p>
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<p><strong>Chandler and <b>Joey:</b></strong> (running after bus) Ben! Ben! Ben! </p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
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<p align="left">[Scene: The Street, continued from earlier. Chandler and Joey are
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still chasing the bus.]</p>
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<p align="left"><b>Joey:</b> Ben!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord.</p>
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<p><strong>Chandler and <b>Joey:</b></strong> Stop the bus! Wait! Wait! Wait! </p>
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<p>(They run around and corner and see three buses pulling away.)</p>
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<p>[The Hospital: Monica and Ross are getting Monica's hand looked at.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Are you sure he didn't break it because it really hurts?</p>
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<p><b>Doctor:</b> No, it's just a good bone bruise. And, right here (pointing to the
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X-ray) is the puncture wound from your ring.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Sorry. Sorry! Hey! Hey! I got my s's
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back! Which we can celebrate later. Celebrate. </p>
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<p>[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is still singing.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (singing) ...<em> with the double double double-jointed boy</em>. (A
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woman carrying a guitar case walks up.) Hey. So um, are you the professional guitar
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player?</p>
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<p><b>Stephanie:</b> Yeah. I'm Stephanie.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Right. My name was on there (The chalk sign out front), but now it just
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says "carrot cake". So, um, so um, how many chords do you know?</p>
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<p><b>Stephanie:</b> All of them. </p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh yeah, so you know D?</p>
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<p><b>Stephanie:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ok, do you know A minor?</p>
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<p><b>Stephanie:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ok, do you know how to go from D to A minor?</p>
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<p><b>Stephanie:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ok. Um, so does your guitar have a strap?</p>
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<p><b>Stephanie:</b> No.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh. Mine does. (singing) <em>Stephanie knows all the chords</em>. (makes
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a face)</p>
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<p>[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are standing in front of a pay phone.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority?
|
||
Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if
|
||
they left a baby on a city bus. (Listens) Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid
|
||
character.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (grabbing the phone) Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus
|
||
today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a
|
||
baby in it. (Listens) (to Chandler) He wants to talk to you again.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Stephanie.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ok, everybody, let's give a uh nice warm Central Perk welcome to...</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (outside singing angrily) <em>Terry's a jerk, and he won't let me work,
|
||
and I hate Central Perk</em>!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Stephanie:</b> Thank you. I'd like to start with a song that I wrote for the first
|
||
man I ever loved. (singing) <em>Zachary</em>.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (singing/screaming) <em>You're all invited to bite me</em>!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: City of New York Department of Health Services, Chandler and Joey run in.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Chandler and <b>Joey:</b></strong> Hi. We're the guys who called about the
|
||
baby. We left the baby on ths bus. Is he here? Is he here?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Health Services Guy:</strong> He's here. (Chandler and Joey hug each other in
|
||
relief) I'm assuming one of you is the father.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> That's me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I'm him.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Actually, uh, we're both the father. (Puts his arm around Joey)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to a back room, Chandler and Joey run into it and over to two different cribs with
|
||
two different babies.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Chandler and <b>Joey:</b></strong> Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Please tell me you know which one is our baby.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And
|
||
Ben was definitely wearing ducks.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ok.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that
|
||
cute little mole by his mouth.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Ahh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> You got a better idea? </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> All right, call it in the air.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Heads.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Heads it is.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yes! Whew!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> We have to assign heads to something.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is standing by the door and looking at Phoebe counting her
|
||
money as Stephanie is singing.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Stephanie:</b> (singing) <em>Just call me angel of the monring. Angel!
|
||
Just touch my cheek before you leave me. Oh baby. Just call me angel of the morning.
|
||
Angel! And slowly turn away. I won't beg you to stay, with me.</em></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Rachel goes outside.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, hi.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Here. I thought you might be cold. (Hands her a cup of coffee.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Thank you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Whoa, look at you, you did pretty well.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Eight dollars and 27 cents. But not really, 'cause I put in the first
|
||
two, just to, you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Do you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No. This whole like playing-for-money thing is so not good for me. You
|
||
know, I don't know, when I sang "Su-Su-Suicide," I got a dollar seventy-five.
|
||
But then, "Smelly Cat," I got 25 cents and a condom. So you know, now I just
|
||
feel really bad for Smelly Cat.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, you know, honey, I don't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You
|
||
know, I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh! (Waves her
|
||
hand over her head.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> It's not even that. I used to do my songs because it made me happy, but
|
||
now it's like, it's just all about the money.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, people missed you in there. And in fact, there was actually a
|
||
request for "Smelly Cat."</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Really? From who?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, from me. And I know it's not your big money song, but it's my
|
||
favorite.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(A kid runs up, who looks like, or will look a lot like Phoebe's brother.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Kid:</strong> Hi. Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in your case? It's kind
|
||
of an emergency.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah. Here you go.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Kid:</strong> Thanks a lot. Hey Christine, I got it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are sitting on the couch.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I just wanna thank you for being there for me today. And I'm sorry I,I
|
||
almost broke your hand.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> That's ok. I'm sorry I poisoned you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle? (Points to her hand.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Wait, what about the time I hit you in the face with the Silvian's
|
||
pumpkin?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you
|
||
flipped over and hit your head on the curb? </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No. But I remember people telling me about it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I hope Ben has a little sister.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah. I hope she can kick his ass.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I'm gonna get a new band-aid. Hey, how 'bout the time I cut the legs off
|
||
your Malibu Ken?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> That was you?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> They, uh, were infected. He wouldn't have made it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Chandler and Joey enter with what they hope is Ben.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Aw, my little nephew. Come here, little one. There's my little baby Ben.
|
||
Hey, my little boy. (She picks him up.) Hey, he's not crying.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (looking fearfully at Joey) Hey, he's not crying.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ben starts crying)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yes! (Monica looks at him.) There's still pie.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I'm here. How's my little boy? Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did
|
||
you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus<75>Hey, I have a question. How come it
|
||
says Property of Human Services on his butt?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You, you are gonna love this. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (to Monica) Will you hold Ben for a sec? (Hands Ben off and starts to
|
||
chase Joey and Chandler.) Come here. Come here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (picking up the pie) Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, Run!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Closing Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="left">[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is teaching Smelly Cat to Stephanie.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Stephanie:</b> (singing) <em>Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you</em>?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's "<em>smelly cat, smel-ly cat</em>."</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Stephanie:</b> <em>Smelly cat, smel-ly cat</em>...</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Better. Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Stephanie:</b> Yeah?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, much better. And you know what, don't feel bad, because it's a
|
||
hard song.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Stephanie:</b> Yeah. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You wanna try it again?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Stephanie:</b> Yeah. From the top?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ok, there is no top. That's the beauty of Smelly Cat. Um, why don't you
|
||
just follow me?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Stephanie:</b> Ok.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Mmmm hmmm.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Together:</strong> <em>Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you?
|
||
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not your fault</em>.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Stephanie does a little riff on her guitar.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> That's too much. Sorry.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<hr>
|
||
|
||
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