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<!-- saved from url=(0055)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season1/114towch.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<title>The One With the Candy Hearts</title>
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<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
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<body bgcolor="white" text="black" link="green" vlink="black" alink="yellow" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One With the Candy Hearts</h1>
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<hr align="center">
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<i>
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</i><p><i></i>Written by: Bill Lawrence<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Mindy Mattingly Phillips</a><br>
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With Minor Adjustments by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a><i></i></p><i>
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<hr>
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</i><font size="3">
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is eyeing a beautiful woman at the counter, and Joey and
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Chandler are egging him on to go talk to her. No pun intended. I mean it.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> She barely knows me. We just live in the same building.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Any contact?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> She lent me an egg once.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> You're in!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Aw, right.</p>
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<p><strong>Woman:</strong> Hi, Ross.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey. (stutters something incoherent)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel
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thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian—I don't think we need a third... </p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Excuse me, could we get an egg over here, still in the shell? Thanks.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> An egg?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, you're gonna go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back, I'm
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returning your egg."</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I think it's winning.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I think it's insane.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend.</p>
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<p>(Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Think it'll work?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg.</p>
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<h3 align="center">Opening Credits</h3>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler are there. Ross is still
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talking to the beautiful woman.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You can not do this.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Do what, do what?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! Phoebes! Don't you remember why you dumped the guy?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... alright,
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still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I
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know I do. </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how tonight goes.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, uh, listen, about tonight...</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me. The only reason she's goin' out
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with me is because I said I could bring a friend for her friend.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like such a...</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Pathetic mess? I know, but—come on, man, she's needy, she's
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vulnerable. I'm thinkin', cha-ching! (Rachel throws a roll at Joey. He picks it up and
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eats it.) Thanks. Look, you have not been out with a woman since Janice. You're doin'
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this.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi. She said yes.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes! Way to go, man! (Chandler and Ross hug. Something crunches in
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Ross' shirt pocket.) Still got the egg, huh?</p>
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<p>[Scene: A Restaurant, Joey and Chandler are there, waiting for their dates to show up.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (Looking at himself in the reflection on a knife) How do I look?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, uh, I... don't... care. (Joey's date shows up) Ok, now, remember,
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no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.</p>
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<p><b>Lorraine:</b> Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you brought. Very nice.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> ...And what did you bring?</p>
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<p><b>Lorraine:</b> She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my
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hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Janice?</p>
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<p>(Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.'
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Janice enters.)</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> Oh.... my.... God.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (angrily) Hey, it's Janice.</p>
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<p>[Scene: The bathroom at the restaurant, Chandler and Joey are talking.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ok, I'm makin' a break for it, I'm goin' out the window. </p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No, no, no, don't! I've been waitin' for like, forever to go out with
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Lorraine. Just calm down. </p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Calm down? Calm down? You set me up with the woman that I've dumped
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twice in the last five months!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (at the urinal) Can you stop yellin'? You're makin' me nervous, and I
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can't go when I'm nervous.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. (gets up right behind Joey and
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yells in his ear) Come on, do it, do it, go, come on!!!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all there, discussing their bad luck with
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men.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Which one was Pete Carney?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Pete the Weeper? Remember that guy who used to cry every time we had
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sex. (imitating) "Was it good for you?"</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over
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Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. (imitating) "I win! I win!" I went out with
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the guy for two months—I didn't get to win once.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> How did we end up with these jerks? We're good people!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I don't know. Maybe we're some kinda magnets.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> There's more beer, right?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you
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want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Pheebes, this woman is voluntarily bald.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's Valentine's Day.
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It's perfect.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Ok, well, what kind of ritual?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Or?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Burning's good.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn.</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Restaurant, Joey, Lorraine, Chandler, and Janice are at the table. Joey and
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Lorraine are seated very close, Chandler and Janice have backed their chairs away from one
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another.]</p>
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<p><b>Lorraine:</b> You know, ever since I was little, I've been able to pick up quarters
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with my toes.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Good for you. (jumps suddenly) Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> By the way, Chandler. I cut you out of all my pictures. So if you want,
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I have a bag with just your heads.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> That's OK.</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you know, you could make little
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puppets out of them, and you could use them in your theater of cruelty.</p>
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<p>(Lorraine whispers into Joey's ear.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (to Lorraine) We can't do that.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (disgusted) What? What can't you do?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh, can I talk to you for a second, over there?</p>
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<p>(Chandler and Joey leave the table.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh, we might be leaving now.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Tell me it's "you and me" we.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm
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not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely want to be a part of it.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ok, you can not do this to me.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> You're right, I'm sorry. You're right.</p>
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<p><b>Lorraine:</b> (to waiter) Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go please?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I'm outta here. Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm sorry,
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Chandler.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I hope she throws up on you.</p>
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<p>(Joey leaves with Lorraine. Chandler sits back down with Janice.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> So...</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> Just us.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, what a crappy night!</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> Although, I have enjoyed the fact that, uh your shirt's been stickin'
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outta your zipper ever since you came back from the bathroom. </p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Excuse me. (gets up, jumps up and down while he zips his zipper up...
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other patrons look at him) How ya doin'?</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> So, do we have the best friends or what?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left us his credit card.
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Another drink? Some dessert? A big screen TV?</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> I will go for that drink.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You got it. Good woman! (the waiter turns around, it's a man) Could we
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get a bottle of your most overpriced champagne?</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> Each.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> That's right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy. (to Janice) I've always
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wanted to know...</p>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler wakes up, and finds someone else's hand on his
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chest. He rolls over and is shocked to see Janice there.]</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> Happy Valentine's Day!</p>
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<h3 align="center">Commercial Break</h3>
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<p>[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is trying to get Janice out of his apartment.]</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> Oh, I miss you already. Can you believe this happened?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No... no! And yet it did. Good-bye, Janice.</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> Kiss me!</p>
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<p>(Janice kisses him. Monica comes out for the newspaper.}</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, Chandler, sorry.</p>
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<p>(Janice turns around, Monica sees who it is.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Ohhh, Chandler, sorry! Hey, Janice.</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> Hi, Monica.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ok, well, this was very special.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Rach, come see who's out here!</p>
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<p>(Rachel comes out.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my god. Janice, hi!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Janice is gonna go away now.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I'll be right back.</p>
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<p>(Joey enters from the stairs.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, Joey, look who it is.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (in disbelief) Whoa.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, good, Joey's home now.</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> This is so fun. This is like a reunion in the hall.</p>
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<p>(Monica comes out with her cordless phone.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, hi, Ross. Yeah. There's someone I want you to say hi to. (to
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Chandler) He just happened to call.</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> Hi, Ross. Yes, it's me. How did you know? (she laughs obnoxiously) </p>
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<p>[Scene: A Chinese Restaurant, Ross is there with his date.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole
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um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los
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Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half.</p>
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<p>(Ross starts to laugh, and then makes a face like 'Why did I just say that?' Ross'
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ex-wife, Carol, and her lesbian lover, Susan, enter the restaurant. Ross stares at them.)</p>
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<p><b>Kristin:</b> That's funny. Who are they?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her... close,
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personal friend.</p>
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<p><b>Kristin:</b> You mean they're lovers.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> If you wanna put a label on it.</p>
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<p><b>Kristin:</b> Wow, uh, anything else I should know?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Nope, nope, that's it. </p>
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<p>(Carol takes off her jacket, her pregnant belly is exposed.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I always forget that part. (to Carol
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and Susan) Helloo!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are holding their boyfriend bonfire.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the sacramental wine.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> All I have is, is oregano and a <em>Fresca</em>.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Um, that's ok! (throws it in fire) Ok. All right. Now we need the semen
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of a righteous man.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the
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ritual in the first place.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Can we just start throwing things in?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ok, yeah, ok. (she throws the directions in) Oh, OK.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (tossing things in the fire) Ok, Barry's letters. Adam Ritter's boxer
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shorts.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oon Ah Ah.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (looking at picture) Hey he's wearing a sweater.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel and Phoebe:</b> Eww!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey, Rachel, isn't that stuff almost pure...</p>
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<p>(Rachel throws the alcohol in the fire. A burst of flames shoots up from it.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Chandler is preparing to dump Janice
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again.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> How can I dump this woman on Valentine's day?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush.</p>
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<p>(Janice enters.)</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> Hello, funny Valentine.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hi, Just Janice.</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I could just kiss you all over, and
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I'm gonna!</p>
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<p>(Janice kisses Joey all over. Chandler smiles.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (to Chandler) If you don't do it, I will.</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Chinese Restaurant.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> So, um, what do you do for a living?</p>
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<p><b>Kristin:</b> Well, um, for the past few years I've been working..(Ross is watching
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Carol and Susan, not listening to Kristin. Susan gets up, and has to go. Carol is left
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stranded)...which is funny because, that wasn't even my major.</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Oh no. I thought you said they could shoot the spot without you. </p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> I thought they could...I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry.
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(Ross realizes Kristin was expecting him to laugh, so he starts to laugh hysterically.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Now that is funny. Hey, do you think...would it be too weird if I invited
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Carol over to join us? 'Cause she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad. </p>
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<p><b>Kristin:</b> (reluctantly) I guess.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come over and join us?</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Oh, no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Come on. These people'll scooch down. You guys'll scooch, won't you? Let's
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try scooching! Come on. Come on. Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin.
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Uh, Carol teaches sixth grade. And, Kristin, Kristin...(struggling)...does something that,
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funnily enough, wasn't even her major!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, firemen are there to handle the bonfire that got out of
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control.]</p>
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<p><b>Fireman No. 1:</b> What do we got there?</p>
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<p><b>Fireman No. 2:</b> A piece of something: boxer shorts, greeting cards, and what
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looks like a half-charred picture—Wow, that guy's hairier than the Chief!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You know, it's a really funny story how this happened.</p>
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<p><b>Fireman No. 3:</b> It's all right. It's all right. You don't have to explain. This
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isn't the first boyfriend bonfire that we've seen get out of control.</p>
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<p><b>Fireman No. 1:</b> You're our third call tonight.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Really?</p>
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<p><b>Fireman No. 2:</b> Oh, sure, Valentine's is our busiest night of the year.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk.]</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> I brought you something.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts. (reading the candy) Chan and
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Jan Forever.</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> I had them made special.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for me to tell
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you this. At least there's no <b>new</b> way for me to tell you this. I just don't things
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are gonna work out.</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> That's fine.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (surprised) It is?</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh no, you see, actually it is.</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen. Don't you know it yet?
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You love me, Chandler Bing.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, no I don't.</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep ending up
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together? New Year's? Who invited who? Valentine's? Who asked who into whose bed? </p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I did, but...</p>
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<p><b>Janice:</b> You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a
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foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know
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it. You just don't know you know it. See ya.</p>
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<p>(She kisses him passionately,then leaves.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Call me!</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Chinese Restaurant, Ross and Carol are talking. Kristin is not there.]</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You did so. I swear, I swear—(noticing Kristin's absence) How long
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has she been in the bathroom?</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her coat is gone.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well maybe it's cold in there. Or maybe I screwed up the first date I had
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in 9 years. </p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> That could be it.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, god. (He puts his head down on the grill) You know, this is still
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pretty hot. (He picks his head up, and a mushroom sticks to his head. Carol picks it off
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and eats it.)</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Mushroom. Smile. They won't all be like this. Some women might even stay
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through dinner. Sorry, that's not funny</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No, it's just...you know the whole "getting on with your life"
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thing. Well, do I have to? I mean, I'm sitting here with this cute woman, and, and, and
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she's perfectly nice, and, but that there's, that's it. And um, and then I'm here talkin'
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to you, and, and it's easy, and it's fun, and, and I don't, I don't have to...You know,
|
|
here's a wacky thought. Um, what's say you and I give it another shot? No no no, I know
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what you're gonna say, you're a lesbian. But what do you say we just put that aside for
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now you know? Let's just stick a pin in it, ok? Because, we're great together, you know.
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You can't deny it. Besides, you're carrying my baby. I mean, how perfect is that? But see,
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you know, you keep sayin' that, but there's somethin' right here. I love you.</p>
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<p>(They kiss.)</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Oh, I love you too. But...</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No but, no but.</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> You know that thing you put over here with the pin in it? It's time to
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take the pin out. You'll find someone, I know you will. The right woman is just waiting
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for you.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> That's easy for you to say, you found one already.</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set.</p>
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<p>(A beautiful woman walks by Ross, he stares at her.)</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Not her.</p>
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<h3 align="center">Closing Credits</h3>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The girls are talking with the firemen.]</p>
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<p><b>Fireman No. 3:</b> We get off around midnight, why don't we pick you up then?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> So, um, will you bring the truck?</p>
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<p><b>Fireman No. 3:</b> I'll even let you ring the bell.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, my god.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> See, there you go, the cleansing works!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> They're nice guys.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, they're firemen guys.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Out in the hall, the firemen are talking.]</p>
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<p><b>Fireman No. 1:</b> You guys tell them you were married?</p>
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<p><b>Fireman No. 2:</b> No way!</p>
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<p><b>Fireman No. 3:</b> Are you kidding? My girlfriend doesn't know, I'm not gonna tell
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them!</p>
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</font>
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<p align="center"><strong><font size="3">End</font></strong></p>
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</body></html> |