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1483 lines
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<!-- saved from url=(0055)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season6/615maybe.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<title>The One That Could Have Been</title>
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<meta name="GENERATOR" content="Microsoft FrontPage 3.0">
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<meta name="Template" content="C:\Program Files\Microsoft Office\Templates\FRIENDS.dot">
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<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
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<body bgcolor="#FFFFFF" link="#008000" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One That Could Have Been</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Part I Written by: Greg Malins & Adam Chase<br>
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Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman<br>
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Parts I & II Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<p>{Transcriber’s Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the
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first part of this episode is episode 615. The second part of this episode is episode 616.
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Since episodes 615 and 616 are combined into one file, that’s why there is no episode
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616 in the season 6 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 615 to 617.}</p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Wow!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (To Ross) <b>What</b> is the matter with you?!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No! Barry and Mindy.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel)
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Who-who’s Barry and Mindy?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best
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friend.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Ohh-oh, wasn’t he cheating on you with her?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her
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instead of me.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Why did they get divorced?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else.
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Isn’t that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean
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how different would my life be?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I know what you mean, I’ve always wondered how different my life
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would be if-if I’d never gotten divorced.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Which time?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadn’t realized she
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was a lesbian.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (starts to imagine it) I can’t. I keep seeing it the good way.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I’d bet I’d still be doing my kara-tay. (That’s karate,
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he’s just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of
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kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from y’know, not doing anything else
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physical.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldn’t be
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dating me, that’s for sure.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Sure I would!</p>
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<p><strong>All: </strong>(simultaneously) Oh yeah! Come on! Yeah right!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> What, you guys really think that I’m that shallow?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No, I just think Monica was that fat.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey, imagine if I never got fired off <i>Days Of Our Lives</i>! (Closes
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his eyes to do so.) Oh-hey, there’s Carol again!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> What if I had had the guts to quit my job? I’d probably be
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writing for the <i>New Yorker</i>, getting paid to be funny. But my job’s fun too! I
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mean tomorrow, I-I don’t have to wear a tie.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What if I had taken that job at <i>Merrill Lynch</i>?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What?!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> <i>Merrill Lynch</i>?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there and-and he said I had a
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knack for stocks.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well why didn’t you take the job?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Because at that time you see, I thought everything that rhymed was true.
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So I thought y’know that if I’d work with stocks, I’d have to live in a
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box, and only eat lox, and have a pet fox.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, we’d still
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hang out?</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>{Transcriber’s note: This is where the opening credits are, but they’re not
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the usual opening credits. <b>Oh no</b>! These credits are based on the world that would
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have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them
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at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the
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couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachel’s still a
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shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating
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a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then
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they’re dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a
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groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling
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asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And
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finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp
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and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this
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is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesn’t apply, for
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instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years
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in this world.}</p>
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<p>[Scene: A newsstand, Ross is buying a magazine and gets in line behind a woman.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (gasps) Rob Tillman!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No-no. It’s-it’s me, Ross!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, I’m sorry. Ross Tillman.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No, no-no, Ross Geller.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh, of course Monica’s brother!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah. Right.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow! How are you?!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Good-good, I’m-I’m married. (Shows her his ring.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh! Me too!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Is-isn’t it the best?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, it’s the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of
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marriage.) So, umm how’s Monica?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually she’s right down the
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street, umm, do-do you know what? You should stop bye and say hi.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh, I would love too.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah? Oh-oh, she’d be so excited!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh! Okay!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Come on! (They start to leave.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh wait, don’t you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine)
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Busty Ladies?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No, it’s okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I
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don’t…</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (laughs) Oh yeah? Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (putting the magazine back and holding the money for it) Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> But! Don’t you have to give him his money back?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here
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you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, let’s go see Monica!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch.
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Monica’s boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest
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of this episode Monica’s fat, I won’t be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> He’s not boring! He’s just-he’s just low key.</p>
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<p><b>Monica's Boyfriend:</b> (returning) Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to
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Monica and sits down.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Thanks.</p>
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<p><b>Monica's Boyfriend:</b> Yeah. Y’know, the hazelnut actually not a nut,
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it’s a seed.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (not impressed) Wow!!</p>
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<p><b>Monica's Boyfriend:</b> Can anyone else name a well known seed that’s been
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masquerading as a nut?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh dear God, let me think. (Starts to sarcastically think about it.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (entering, depressed) Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh no! What’s the matter?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was
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funny, just not "<i>Archie</i> Comic funny."</p>
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<p><b>Monica's Boyfriend:</b> Y’know what honey? I got to get back to the hospital.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Monica's Boyfriend:</b> (kisses her) Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Bye.</p>
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<p><b>Monica's Boyfriend:</b> Bye-bye. (Gets up to leave.) Oh uh, by the way, the answer
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is, the Brazil nut. (Exits.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Was his question what’s more boring than him?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey man, look sorry about that <i>Archie</i> thing. Do uh, do you need me
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to give you some money?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Really?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ehh.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Maybe Joey doesn’t have to give you the money, TV stars have
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assistants right?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> That’s an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant,
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would-would you take money from her?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of
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your fan mail and stuff!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> That’s great! That would be great! Let’s do that!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I could use the money; it could give me time to write.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh right great! Welcome aboard!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I don’t need
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any assistance in there, take a break!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> All right!</p>
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<p>(As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. She’s wearing a business
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suit and carrying a briefcase.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (entering) Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey Phoebe! Guess what?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ohh that’s so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly
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grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the
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cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it
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hits 50! 5-0, it’s a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, it’s okay. It’s okay,
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you’re allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.</p>
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<p>(She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey Mon! </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that
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her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug,
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which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight? (She’s not quite sure of that
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one.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> And, and uh, you-you remember my friend Chandler. (Points to him.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> And that’s Phoebe over there! (Points to her.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since we’ve seen
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each other?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (answering it) 1987, the day after Christmas, at Sean McMahon’s
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party. I played you one of my songs, y’know Interplanetary Courtship Ritual.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh yeah. Right. So now, are—do you, do you still do music?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Sometimes, you should come over (Joey returns from the bathroom) sometime!
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I’ll play you one of my other…</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from <i>Days
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of Our Lives</i>, just walked in here!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Rach, he’s a friend of ours.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well it’s kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy
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schedule and the fact that he’s not real.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (To Rachel) Hey-hey, <b>or</b> I could bring my keyboard over here
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sometime!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> He’s coming over! He’s coming over!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (getting up) Joey!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (holding a plate of what looks like <i>Rice Crispies Treats</i>) I know,
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here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High
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School together.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (giggles and can’t look at him) Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (shaking Rachel’s hand) Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I
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watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even
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though she tired to kill you…</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, it’s always nice to meet the fans.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ah!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (turning and whispering to Monica) She’s not crazy is she?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin’?</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe’s cell
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phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before
|
||
answering the phone.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Who’s this?
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(Listens) Oh okay, you’re gonna like working for me. What’s your name? (Listens)
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What kind of name is Brendy? I… Whatever… Stop talking! All right, from now on
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your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey there you are!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Uh-oh, it’s my boss!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right, here’s a list of things for you to do today. Man, this
|
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going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work I’m
|
||
delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)</p>
|
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (reading the list) Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins.
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||
Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans.</p>
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||
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (laughs) You realize what you are don’t you?</p>
|
||
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||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What?</p>
|
||
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You’re his bitch.</p>
|
||
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (yelling from Monica’s room) No-no!! No!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (panicked) Oh wait! You didn’t just sit on my <i>Kit-Kats </i>did
|
||
you?!!</p>
|
||
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||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No! There-there was a little, a little diff in the market and I lost 13
|
||
million dollars.</p>
|
||
|
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> But the <i>Kit-Kats</i> are all right?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I can’t call my office
|
||
they’ll kill me! I can’t call my clients they’ll kill themselves! Great,
|
||
now my chest hearts.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (louder) My chest hurts! Oh, and now I-I can’t breathe.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, if I were, would-would I have shooting pains up and down my left
|
||
arm?</p>
|
||
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||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yes!!</p>
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|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Then yes that is what I’m having. (Takes another puff of the
|
||
cigarette.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and
|
||
Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Come on Pheebs, it’s not that bad! Y’know most people would be
|
||
excited if they didn’t have to work for a couple of weeks.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Most people don’t like their jobs, I <b>love</b> my job! I have not
|
||
been working for three hours and I’m already going crazy. I miss Joan.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Honey, having a heart attack is nature’s way of telling you to slow
|
||
it down.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I always thought having a heart attack was nature’s way of
|
||
telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But you’re not gonna die. I mean, you are
|
||
<b>going</b> to die, but you’re not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Let’s take a walk. (They start to leave.) Y’know maybe you
|
||
should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (To Ross) So what’s going on with you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well umm, I’ve been doing a lot more of my kara-tay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Still going through that dry spell with Carol?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> How long has it been since you had sex?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, last weekend…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh that’s not so bad.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> …will be two months…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> That is.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> …since I stopped trying.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Maybe you need to spice things up a little.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What-what do you mean?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I don’t know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could
|
||
eat stuff off each other…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Y’know, dirty talk, ménage à trois, toys…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Wow!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Roll playing… You could be the warden; she could be the prisoner.
|
||
You could be the pirate; she could be the wench!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, I think I got it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and
|
||
you’re-you’re-you’re rolling around naked on the trading floor and
|
||
everybody’s watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out
|
||
behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands.
|
||
Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Sorry. So how’s it going with Joey?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me
|
||
food." Two is, "I’m with a girl, bring us food." Three is,
|
||
"I’m lost and I can’t find food."</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey! Is uh, is she gonna be all right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah! She’s right in there! (Points to Phoebe’s room.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants,
|
||
they look ready!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> All right, and over there is Brady’s Pub where I like to unwind after
|
||
a long day of surgeoning.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, <b>that</b> is a large piece of television equipment. (Points at a
|
||
large piece of television equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh <b>that</b> is an old
|
||
man! Hey old man!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> All righty, what do you say we head back to my place?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (laughs) Wow! Umm, y’know, I-I would really love to, but I-I
|
||
shouldn’t.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Why? (In Drake’s voice.) Why can’t the world stop turning, just
|
||
for a moment? Just for us?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (awestruck, then not) Isn’t that a line from the show?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh, yeah but uh, (In Drake’s voice) I may have said those things
|
||
before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> That’s a line from the show too!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay, you watch too much TV.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (approaching) Here you go Joe, here’s the freshly squeezed orange
|
||
juice you asked for. (Hands it to him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Thanks! (Looks at it.) Yeah, there’s pulp in that. (Hands it back.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I thought we talked about this. I don’t like pulp. No pulp. Pulp
|
||
isn’t juice. All juice, okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’m sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh my God, I’m sorry, I’m being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.)
|
||
Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah sure, iced tea would be great.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (To Chandler) Iced tea.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, anything for you sir?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (mouthing it to him) Yes, you did.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth
|
||
indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares
|
||
at him.) You’re gonna throw that juice at me, aren’t ya?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> It’s not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross is trying to talk to Carol about what Phoebe told him.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower
|
||
there.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Yeah! And maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look Carol umm, I was, I was thinking maybe uh, maybe we can spice things
|
||
up a little.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> What do you mean?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Carol our sex life is—it’s just not working…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ben:</b> (entering) <b>Dad</b>!! (Runs and hugs him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why don’t we get some shoes on
|
||
ya, huh? Hey, why don’t you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room!
|
||
Yay!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ben:</b> Yay! (Runs off.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yay! (To Carol) Seriously, our sex life… I was thinking, maybe I
|
||
don’t know, we could try some-some new things. Y’know? For fun?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Like what?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well I don’t know umm, (Pause) what if we were too tie each other up?
|
||
(Carol’s shocked and obviously doesn’t like that idea.) Umm, some people eat
|
||
stuff off one another. (Carol doesn’t like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, y’know
|
||
we-we could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a
|
||
threesome.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> (quickly) I love that idea!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Who sold a story to <i>Archie</i> Comics?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God! That’s great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) You’re a
|
||
published writer! I wish I had a present for you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Aww.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out…) My last <i>Kit-Kat</i>
|
||
bar!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica won’t let go. He tugs harder, and she still
|
||
doesn’t budge.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You wanna share it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know you’re mad, but I just want
|
||
to say I’m sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate
|
||
pulp! Y’know? I mean, y’know how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> It’s <b>not</b> mayonnaise!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Here.
|
||
(Hands him a cup.) </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What’s this?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Fresh squeezed orange juice, <b>with</b> pulp! Just the way you like it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to <i>Archie</i> Comics!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh my God! That’s great! Congratulations! What’s the story?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh you wouldn’t uh, care. It’s just a stupid comic book
|
||
story.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he
|
||
doesn’t want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his
|
||
assist—as his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him
|
||
milkshakes that can’t have lumps in them.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that
|
||
one? ‘Cause I think I read it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to
|
||
his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh! And I’m one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I
|
||
mean, Joey Tribbiani!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, y’know it’s none of my business, but aren’t you
|
||
married?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit!
|
||
Y’know I just wish we could be like on a break!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, you’re not.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, it’s so easy for you I mean, you’re not married, you get
|
||
to have sex with who ever you want!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah I can! (Laughs) And don’t think I don’t, because I do! I
|
||
mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Monica. You’ve, you’ve done it right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (giggles) Of course I have! What do you think, I’m some 30 year old
|
||
virgin?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my God! You’re a 30 year old virgin!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Say it louder, I don’t think the guy all the way in the back heard
|
||
you!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Guy All the Way in the Back:</b> Yeah, I heard it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> It’s not like, I haven’t any opportunities. I mean,
|
||
y’know, I’m just waiting for the perfect guy. I’m seeing this guy Roger,
|
||
all right? He’s not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with.
|
||
Y’know, give him my flower.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, you’ve waited <b>long</b> enough!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Y’know what? You are right?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldn’t be
|
||
all this rules and restrictions! Y’know, people should be able to sleep with who ever
|
||
they want, whenever…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Rachel! I’m never gonna think it’s okay for you to cheat on
|
||
your husband!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh what do you know? Virgin!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebe’s room. Phoebe is in the
|
||
bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh yeah, the doctor said that could be one of the side effects. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No! It’s not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Put it out!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) I’m so
|
||
glad you’re here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, give it to me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I got it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Give it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then answers the phone.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (on the phone) Hello? (Listens.) No she can’t come to the phone right
|
||
now. (Listens.) Oh, right no problem. Okay, bye-bye. (Hangs up.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> J-j-just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was calling to make sure that <b>you</b>
|
||
were getting better.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Thank God.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (To Monica) Yeah, she’s fired.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Rachel and Barry’s bedroom, Rachel is watching <i>Days of Our Lives</i>.
|
||
Of course it’s a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. It’s set in a hospital room, and Dr.
|
||
Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Nurse: </strong>You’ve done all you can Dr. Wesley. You have got to let
|
||
her go.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Wesley:</b> Good-bye and God speed, Hope Brady. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with
|
||
two cops!)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Drake Remoray:</b> Not so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Wesley:</b> (with evil dripping off his tongue) Remoray!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Drake Remoray:</b> That’s right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that,
|
||
you’re not a real doctor! And that woman’s brain, is fine!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (very relived) Oh! Thank God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and
|
||
Wesley exchange evil glances.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Drake Remoray:</b> Hope! Hope!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Hope:</b> (sleepily) Drake!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Drake Remoray:</b> You’re not dying Hope, you’re gonna live a long,
|
||
healthy life. With me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Hope:</b> Oh Drake.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Drake and Hope kiss.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joey’s phone number, and starts to
|
||
dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! It’s Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow
|
||
night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>{Transcriber’s Note: This is where Part II begins, which means this is now episode
|
||
616.}</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Carol is working on something at the table and Ross is
|
||
reading a newspaper on the couch.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna
|
||
start to find…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Ooh, actually I’ve been making a list of all the women I know who
|
||
might be into doing this!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh. (He takes the notepad she was using and looks at it.) Wow! (Flips to
|
||
another page.) Huh. (Flips another page.) Boy! (Flips another page.) Well, someone’s
|
||
been doing their homework. (Flips two more pages.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Yeah. Ooh, and I know Gail Rosten is in there twice, but she is so…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, I know. (Laughs) Y’know, just-just talking about it is getting me
|
||
kinda…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Oh, me too.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah? Well, I-I think Ben’s asleep.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Oh umm, y’know I think it would be better if we just save it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah. Right. Save it. I can do that. (Gets up and does a little kara-tay.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey, Pheebs!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey, how’s it going?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, I’ve got to get out of this bed, I’m going crazy here.
|
||
Crazy!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> But, I put some honey in it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> She doesn’t know she was fired yet, does she?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, the doctors say it may kill her.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What are you two girls whispering about over there?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Ross) But <b>I</b> think we should tell her.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you
|
||
should start think about getting a different job.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here!
|
||
(Points at Ross.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Listen Phoebe, he’s right. People are not supposed to have heart
|
||
attacks at 31.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I know! But if I didn’t work there, what else would I do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, you used to like playing the guitar.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah that was lucrative! Smart like your brother!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Uh, what about y’know the massage thing? That never gave you a
|
||
heart attack.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hmm, pulling in a salary in the high six figures or rubbing gross naked
|
||
people for chump change—ooh, what do I do?! What will I do?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he
|
||
still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh, I mean it’s just so realistic!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on
|
||
polls. You’ll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs and finishes her drink.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (climbing down from his chair) Do you uh, do you—ready for a refill?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, I probably shouldn’t—so I will! (Joey starts making her
|
||
refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! It’s like it’s
|
||
raining!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Pretty cool, huh? But if you’re thinking you can put a fish in there
|
||
and it wouldn’t get sucked up into the mechanism, well you’d be wrong.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Umm, can I use your bathroom?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> It’s uh, right through there. (Points.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. (Starts to go.) God y’know, if someone told me a week ago
|
||
that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbiani’s apartment…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, life’s pretty great isn’t it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, it sure is!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I hope you’re hungry, we’re starting with oysters. And
|
||
y’know what they say about oysters, don’t you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Roger:</b> They have parasites?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Roger:</b> What people?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> People! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Roger:</b> So oysters, huh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> And then we’re gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous.
|
||
Something we can eat, with our hands.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Roger:</b> Y’know, it’s funny, but when we were studying communicable
|
||
diseases…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No-no-no, no! It’s sensual!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Roger:</b> Ohh! Didn’t know! Okay! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Roger:</b> I’m sorry sweetie, it’s the hospital. The food looks great,
|
||
maybe save me some?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I can’t promise anything. (She starts to dig in.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to
|
||
arrive.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> We’re really gonna do this, huh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Looks like it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Y’know, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out
|
||
at… (A knock on the door interrupts him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> (jumping up to get it) I got it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> (opening the door) Susan! Hi! (Who’d you think it was gonna be?)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Susan:</b> Hey! (They hug.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Thank you so much for coming.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Susan:</b> Oh, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They start moving towards the bedroom, never taking their eyes off each other. They
|
||
move past Ross and stop.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I’m-I’m Ross by the way.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Susan:</b> (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands
|
||
it to him.) I love what you’ve done with this space.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Thank you so much.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross standing in the living room holding
|
||
Susan’s coat.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> How hot is this?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monica’s dinner.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’m sorry you’re here with me instead of Roger.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, me too.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, I could make it seem like he’s here. (Imitates him.)
|
||
"Here’s some little known facts about cous-cous. They didn’t add the second
|
||
cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Stop it!! That’s not funny!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I’m sorry, okay? It just—tonight was supposed to be
|
||
y’know, it was supposed to be a big deal.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What was tonight?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You don’t want to know what tonight was.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay. (Pause.) What was tonight?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, tonight was—was going to be my first time.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica
|
||
shrugs.) Oh my God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> All right relax Mr. I’ve Had Sex Four Times!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Four different women! I’ve had sex way more times!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> How many?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Nine.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I was just waiting for the perfect guy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well good, good for you. You really think that Roger is the perfect
|
||
guy?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No. He’s not a horrible guy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey that’s what I tell girls about me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Chandler, I’m gonna die a virgin!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen
|
||
for you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh really? When? Do you wanna do it with me?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay. (They both realize what he just said.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I was kidding.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> So was I.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching
|
||
her.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Joey, you’re such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know
|
||
where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I
|
||
pretty much have to make it up on my own.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow! Tell me something Joey—(She falls off the couch)—Whoa! I
|
||
just fell right off the couch there.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah you did.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. (She climbs back onto the couch.) </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Here you go. Let me ask you a question.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow! I can’t, I can’t feel my hands.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Come, come here. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the
|
||
break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still
|
||
discussing the previous question.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> We can’t do this.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of
|
||
pressure on me, y’know? Because you’ve been waiting a very long time and I
|
||
wouldn’t want to disappoint you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if you’re
|
||
horrible, how would I know?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I do like that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> It’s harder for me! I have those four other women to compete with!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, if it helps there were only three. So it would just be for
|
||
tonight, right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out
|
||
another friend. (Points at herself.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Stop it! We’re doing this! Let’s do it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Noo!! Okay!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay! (They both get up.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Umm, do you have any uhh, moves?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I have some moves.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs
|
||
away.) Okay, whatcha doin’ there?! (Giggles.) Oh y’know what? I’m sorry,
|
||
this is just too weird.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, let’s just forget it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(She turns out the lights and in the darkened room Chandler starts to moan.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Chandler?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (sexily) Yeah?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> That’s the couch.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica’s bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh my God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I know! I’ll tell you something, we are gonna do <b>that</b> again!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, okay! (He rolls over to do that again.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey's apartment, the next morning, Rachel is passed out on the couch.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Morning!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (wakes up suddenly and realizes where she is) Oh right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (groans) Oh God. Oh I can’t believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw
|
||
up!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well he actually saw you a little bit too.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Noo! Oh God we did—we didn’t, we didn’t uhh…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> No! No! No, not after seeing that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> God I’m just a horrible person.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Wh-why?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Because I’m married. That’s right, I am a married woman! And I
|
||
came to a TV star’s apartment to have an affair! Uck!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> That’s ridiculous! I’m not a "Star," just a regular
|
||
famous actor.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah and I’m a horrible, horrible person.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show
|
||
when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> The ring from the cave, yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Wow! Uh okay, well uh… (He gets up, opens a drawer, and pulls out the
|
||
ring.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Sure! As long as they don’t find out you can keep whatever you want!
|
||
And I want you to have it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="JUSTIFY"><b>Rachel:</b> No! No-no-no…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that <b>you</b>
|
||
are a good person. Okay, you’ve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you
|
||
didn’t. And that’s what this ring stands for.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> But I thought that ring stood for Caprice’s undying love for her
|
||
brother.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Look, do you want the ring or not?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Phoebe’s hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the
|
||
bathroom wearing her robe.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look at you! You’re up!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> All right!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I thought I’d try to take a walk. Would you pour me some water?
|
||
I’ll be back soon.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Whoa-whoa-whoa! You’re not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are
|
||
ya?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No. I’ve learned my lesson.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(She goes out into the hall and when she’s there and the door is closed; she rips
|
||
off her robe to reveal her work clothes.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Let’s go! Come on! Move it! (Grabs her coat.) Come on! (To an old
|
||
man who’s holding her shoes and briefcase.) Shoes! Briefcase! (Takes them both.)
|
||
Thanks Lou, good luck with the gall bladder. (She leaves.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey Joe did… Did you ever have a threesome?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think
|
||
Carol’s great and I’m sure you’re a very attractive man, but I….</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No! The reason I’m asking is that… I sorta had one last night.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> You?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Wow!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> All right! So, was it amazing?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> It was, it was okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Just okay—Did you do it right?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look, it’s just did, did you ever go to a party and think,
|
||
"Would <b>really</b> anyone miss me if I weren’t here?"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Huh. But still Ross, you’re worst day with two women, pretty much
|
||
better than any other day! Y’know what I mean?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh-oh, absolutely!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They both laugh.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> It’s just, my part seemed to be over pretty quickly and then, and
|
||
then there was a lot of waiting around.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> But you got to be with both of them, right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Not-not really. Th-th-there was just Carol.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Not the other one?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No, she kept kicking me away!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, you don’t want that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff, right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh I a <b>lot</b> of stuff!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> You got a little bored?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> A little. Yeah. I made a snack.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah? What did ya have?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b><b><b>Ross:</b></b></b> Just a sandwich. Turkey, a little mustard…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Sounds good.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> It really was!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait
|
||
a minute that was you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey, check me out, I’m a slut!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> So you uh, want to do something tonight?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh I can’t. Dr. Roger is coming over again.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh. Oh right! Right! Because you’re still seeing him and uh,
|
||
he’s a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when… (He fakes falling asleep.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Are you okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah! Totally! Totally, and you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Great! It’s so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I
|
||
was <b>so</b> nervous, but then after being with you I’m all like, "Can the
|
||
doctor see me now?"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I bet he can.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Y’know, I don’t have an appointment, but I sure could use a
|
||
physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure you’re okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh yeah! Yeah! Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine! (Does a
|
||
kara-tay move.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Rachel and Barry’s bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous
|
||
attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh! My God! Barry!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Barry:</b> You-you-you said you were gonna be away all weekend!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh that’s right! I’m sorry! I-I am early! Finish! Please!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Phoebe’s office, she is arriving without the knowledge that she’s
|
||
been fired.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Surprise! Look who’s back!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Arthur:</b></b> Hey Pheebs! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Arthur:</b></b> (To another coworker) Call security. (To Phoebe) Pheebs, didn’t
|
||
you get fired?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Uh, I don’t think so!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jack:</b> Phoebe?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Jack!! Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jack:</b> What are you doing here?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was
|
||
fired. He should do his research, huh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jack:</b> Well, you were fired.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Nu-uh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jack:</b> I told that guy who answered your phone.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, okay I didn’t get that message. So this doesn’t
|
||
count—Anyway, I’ll be in my office.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jack:</b> Uh, Phoebe you-you don’t have an office.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> That’s all right, I’ll work here. This is goo, next to this
|
||
plant. (She picks a place in the lobby next to a plant.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jack:</b> (approaches her) Phoebe, listen…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You’re in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this
|
||
company! Okay? I am talking <b>big</b> bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little
|
||
mistake…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jack:</b> You lost 13 million dollars.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, so this is all about money! Y’know it’s bad enough
|
||
that—Ow! Oh, you have <b>got</b> to be kidding!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jack:</b> Are you all right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I’m having another heart attack!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jack:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I’m having another heart attack!! Call 9-1-1!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jack:</b> Take it easy. (Sits her down.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (to Arthur, he’s the guy calling 9-1-1) Dumbass!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Woman:</b> Hey Pheebs! How’s it going?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, they fired me and I’m having heart attack.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Woman:</b> Wow! Well, welcome back!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi Ross!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey Rachel.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Is Joey Tribbiani here?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Umm, no.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that I’m looking for
|
||
him and that this I am <b>not</b> gonna throw up!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> That-that’s always good news. Are you okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Me? I’m great! I’m fine! I’m sooo good!! But, you know
|
||
who’s not great?! Men! You’re a man right Ross?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Sit down! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay. (He does so.) </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean <b>squat</b>
|
||
to you people?! And why is it that the <b>second</b> we tell you we’re going out of
|
||
town, <b>bamn</b> there you are in bed with the neighbor’s dog walker?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> We’re sorry.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No seriously! Seriously! <b>What</b> has happened to the sanctity of
|
||
marriage?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Didn’t you spend last night at Joey’s?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Aw what are you?! A detective?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look I-I don’t know what’s going on with you and your husband
|
||
and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh. (Doesn’t believe it.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey! There are <b>some</b> men who will do whatever it takes to make their
|
||
marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives
|
||
engage in-in what only can be described as a <b>two</b>some with some-some woman she
|
||
barely knows from the gym!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Who are these men?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Men. I guy I know.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is (whispers)
|
||
gay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> She is not… (Realizes) She’s gay. Oh my God. She is <b>so</b>
|
||
gay! I can’t believe this.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Good day for married people huh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I’m sorry your husband cheated on you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’m sorry your wife is gay. I guess women aren’t that great
|
||
either.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Try telling my wife that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (sticking his head in the door) Okay to come in?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah I know, guess who beeped him?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’m the ruptured spleen. (Laughs.) </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Why would you do that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Because you shouldn’t be with him. (Pause.) You should be with
|
||
me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Really?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look,
|
||
things like last night they don’t just happen. Y’know? Or at least not to me. Or
|
||
with the other two women, in the morning y’know I was just lying there and I
|
||
couldn’t wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always y’know
|
||
with a friend.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Chandler!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I know you probably don’t want to go out with me, y’know
|
||
because I make too many jokes and I’ve never been in a serious relationship and I
|
||
guess I’m not technically a "doctor…"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Monica runs over and kisses him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> There was just one woman, wasn’t there?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, there were two.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Including me?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Ending Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song as the gang looks on.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (singing)</p>
|
||
|
||
<blockquote>
|
||
<blockquote>
|
||
<i><p>It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see…<br>
|
||
One of them won’t do it, but the second one will set you free…<br>
|
||
Tell all your hate and anger, it’s time to say good-bye…<br>
|
||
And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die!<br>
|
||
La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la……</p>
|
||
</i>
|
||
</blockquote>
|
||
</blockquote>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End </strong><i></i></p><i>
|
||
</i>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |