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<title>The One Where Ross Can't Flirt</title>
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<body bgcolor="#FFFFFF" link="#008000" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One Where Ross Can't Flirt</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Written by: Doty Abrams<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready for a date with Monica as Ross
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enters.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Wow! You look nice. What's the occasion?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Monica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, we've got
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reservations at Ja George.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Wow! How'd you get in there?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at
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11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn't get desert. </p>
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<p>(There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it. It's the pizza delivery girl.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Delivery Girl:</b> Hi Chandler!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut.</p>
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<p><b>Caitlin:</b> Ugh, I hate it! I look like an 8-year-old boy.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a <b>lot</b> more
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interesting.</p>
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<p><b>Caitlin:</b> It's uh, 27 dollars even.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, okay. (Hands her the money.) Here you go. </p>
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<p>(The duck starts quacking.)</p>
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<p><b>Caitlin:</b> Hey, where's the chicken?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came
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first.</p>
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<p><b>Caitlin:</b> (laughs) Great. I'll see you later!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, bye!</p>
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<p>(He closes the door and turns to see Ross glaring at him.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What the hell was that?!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> The flirting! Aren't you supposed to be going out with, I don't know hmm,
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let's say my sister?!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I was not flirting.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> It was totally flirting. "Somebody got a haircut (Makes some whiney,
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nasally noises.)"</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not
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flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, right.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You wanna see flirting? I'll show you flirting. (Starts to move
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towards Ross.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (backing away) I'm good.</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are in the kitchen.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I am so proud of Joey, I can't believe he's going to be on <i>Law &
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Order</i>!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I know. But don't you think that it should be called Order and Law?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No because first they arrest the guy and then they try him.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Don't get me started on that.</p>
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<p>(Ross and Chandler enter with the pizzas.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I was not flirting.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> And on your anniversary, for shame!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What's going on?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Chandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I was not and oh God, shh!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well I'm sorry but you were! Okay? And besides if anyone should be hitting
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on her it's the guy who's single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Sounds like somebody wants to be <b>Mr.</b> Pizza Delivery Girl.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well<6C></p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin?</p>
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<p>(Ross looks at Rachel.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross! We broke up two years ago; you've been <b>married</b> since then.
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I think it's okay that we see other people.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, I-I was watching her the other day at the pizza place.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hm-mmm.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> And she's just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little<6C></p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, y'know what? We don't need her measurements. </p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (looking through the pizzas) Okay pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay
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Ross, I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> This is perfect! She'll have to come back here with your pizza, and when
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she does, I'll turn on the Charm-O-Ross. Oh I'm so glad you don't eat meat.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> See? Vegetarianism benefits everyone.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering, with his grandmother) Hey everybody, look who's here! You
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remember my grandmother!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Big night!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> This is so cool!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> So, Joey on <i>Law & Order</i>, you must be very proud!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Chandler, she doesn't understand a word of English.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I'm sorry, I thought you were Joey's other grandmother. (She just
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stares at him.) I've done it again.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> She's my biggest fan. Yeah, she's the only one in the family that's
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believed in me. </p>
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<p>(They both start speaking Italian to each other, and since I'm not Italian and don't
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understand one word, we'll move on to the English portion of the show. Not, that I'm
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English. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I'm not. Y'know I think
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I should shut-up now and move on. Anyhoo, she says something about Joey being fat I think
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based on this line.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, I uh weighted like 27 pounds when I was born so<73></p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (entering from the bathroom) Hey! Happy Anniversary!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Happy Anniversary, 10 months! (They kiss.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> So umm, when I was in the shower I was thinking about our first night in
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London<EFBFBD></p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Uhh, Joey's grandmother is right there. (Points)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Is that the one that speaks English or the one that doesn't?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> The one that doesn't.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> That was some hot love you gave me! I'm gonna go get ready.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey, why don't you wear those earrings I gave you?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> That's a great idea! I was saving them for something special.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (runs over to Phoebe) You have <b>got</b> to go home!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> But I like it here!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay?
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Chandler wants me to wear them tonight.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, well I think that they're in my purse. Why don't you go get
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dressed and I'll look for them.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Great!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay! (Walks over to Rachel) Rach, hi, I need those earrings you
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borrowed.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, umm, okay, yeah, I'll be, yeah I'll be right back. (Goes to her
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room.)</p>
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<p>(Phoebe then gets possessed 'cause she starts speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian
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to Joey's grandmother. She is quickly exorcised and returns to speaking in English. Of
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course, too most people English is a strange language as well. But none of them are
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probably reading this and if they were they wouldn't understand it. So why am I talking
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about them? I have absolutely no clue. Moving on<6F>) </p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Wow Pheebs, you speak Italian?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I guess so. (See, the brief possession didn't affect her at all, like we
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could really tell.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (She enters and hands Phoebe the earring) Here you go. Thank you!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Wait, Rach! Where's the other one?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh what, you-you want both of them?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Rachel Karen Green, where's the other earring?!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, okay, okay, look, just don't freak out, but I kinda lost it. I
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know it's in the apartment, but I <b>definitely</b> lost it.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, what am I going to tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Tell her to wear her own earrings.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> These <b>are</b> her earrings.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Nooo! Nooooo! You lent me Monica's earrings?! I'm not allowed to borrow
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her stuff!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Why not?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Because I lose her stuff!</p>
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<p>[Time Lapse, the gang is now watching <i>Law & Order</i>. By the way, the entire
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rest of the episode takes place in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Why are they called
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apartments when they're all stuck together? Something to think about.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay, see that blind guy right there? I'm gonna bash his head in later.</p>
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<p>(His grandmother asks him something.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh umm, my big scene is coming up. Big scene coming up.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> If you said, "Big lima bean, bubbling up." Would she
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understand the difference?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (noticing Rachel crawling behind the couch) Rach? What are you doing?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh boy, I just can't watch. It's too scary!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> It's a diaper commercial.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh yeah well, you know me, babies, responsibilities, ahhh!!!</p>
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<p>(There's a knock on the door.)</p>
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<p><b>Caitlin:</b> Pizza delivery!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I'll get it! I will get that! (Runs over and opens the door.)</p>
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<p><b>Caitlin:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Caitlin:</b> One uh, vegetarian pizza. That's $12.15.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better. I happen to like
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8-year-old boys.</p>
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<p><b>Caitlin:</b> What?!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (I can't make it out.) The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you
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thought your looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I like it. The hair.</p>
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<p><b>Caitlin:</b> Oh. Thanks.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You understand I don't actually like 8-year-old boys.</p>
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<p><b>Caitlin:</b> Y'know, all I'm looking for is the money.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Here you go. (Hands her the money.) Now stop bringing us pizzas you.</p>
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<p><b>Caitlin:</b> I'm gonna try. (Walks away and Ross closes the door.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You're welcome.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You couldn't let me have her, could ya?!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> This is a girl that I really like and had too swoop in there!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What's goin' on?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Chandler was totally flirting with the hot delivery girl!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Thank you for that! (To Monica) I was not flirting.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> It's okay. I don't care. It's uh, it's fine.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Really?!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Really?!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> It's no big deal, I do it all the time.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (starts to laugh, but then gets serious) So umm, you-you flirt with
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guys all the time?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Sure! It doesn't mean anything! Just like I know it doesn't mean
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anything with you!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a <b>lot</b> hotter than
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I am.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (walking past) True story! (Goes and sits down.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Chandler, this actually bothers you?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people.
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Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other
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women?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Uhh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> And thank you, for that.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> But y'know, I never really had anything to worry about. Ross was never
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very good at the flirting thing.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What? (Mumbles) What-what, what are talking about? It-it worked with you.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh! Y'know what? You're right! We meet, you flirted and then <b>bamn</b>
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nine years later you had me!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> All right, all right. You-you-you know what I'm going to do? I am going to
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order another pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you-you--I will show how well I flirt.
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Yeah! I will, I will get her phone number! (To Chandler) And not the one on the menu!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (entering from Rachel's bedroom) I found it!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh! Thank God! Where was it?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> On your dresser.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay that is the one we already have!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay, here's my big scene. My big scene's here! (They have two of the cops
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on the street, then they cut to where they're entering an apartment.) Oh my God.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (smiling) Okay, everybody just keep smiling. It'll kill my grandmother if
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she finds out.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (smiling) Well, what is it?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (smiling) Oh, they cut me out of the show.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (smiling) What?!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (smiling) Are you sure?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (smiling) Maybe your scene's coming up?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (smiling) Not likely. 'Cause you see that body bag right there</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (smiling) Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (smiling) I'm in it.</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's continued from before the commercial break.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (smiling) This is terrible, what are you going to do?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (smiling) I don't know. This little, old lady lives for my career. When
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they dumped me off of <i>Days of Our Lives</i> she almost died.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (not smiling) That's not good.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (smiling) No, smile! Not that face, smile! Everybody smile! (They all
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smile.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (smiling) Joey, why don't you just tell her what happened? It's not your
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fault.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (smiling) If we keep talking this way, aren't we gonna freak her out
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soon?</p>
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<p><b>Grandma Tribbiani:</b> (Something in Italian to Joey.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Soon, soon, I'm gonna be on soon. There I am! (Points to the screen, of
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course it isn't him.)</p>
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<p><b>Grandma Tribbiani:</b> (pointing at the screen) No! Sam Waterston!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No-no-no, that-that's me, that's me.</p>
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<p><b>Grandma Tribbiani:</b> No, it's Sam Waterston! <i>Crimes and Misdemeanors</i>,<i>
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Capricorn One</i>.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Doesn't know, "Hello." But she knows <i>Capricorn One</i>.</p>
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<p>(Phoebe gets up.)</p>
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|
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (following her) Phoebe! I have to have those earrings, we're going to
|
||
leave as soon as the show is over.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> But I already gave them back to you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No you didn't.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right, I already didn't give them back to you, that's what I said.
|
||
(Walks away over to Rachel.) Where is that other earring?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> It's not here Pheebs, it's not here. Ohh, I went to Joey and Chandler's
|
||
last night! Okay! (Goes to the door.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Make sure you check Chandler's jewelry box.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wait a minute. Chandler has a jewelry box?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, we have like ten minutes. Do you want me to get into that now?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Rachel heads for Joey and Chandler's and Phoebe heads for the kitchen to find Ross.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (To Phoebe) Hey Pheebs! How's that uh, vegetarian pizza working out for
|
||
ya? You and those vegetables have a real thing going on, huh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (she just looks at him) Why are you being weird?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Do you like it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, that would be, "Why are you being cute?"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, I'm working on my flirting.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ohh! I did not get that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to Chandler and Monica on the couch.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> So uh Monica, do you, do you like the <i>Law & Order</i>?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, it's good.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the
|
||
<i>Law & Order</i> and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Chandler! (Joey and his grandmother shush them and wave them away, which
|
||
they do.) Okay, let me get this straight, it's okay for you to flirt, but not for me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Look, I'm sorry, some things are
|
||
different for men and for women.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Go on, teach me something about men and women.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when
|
||
you flirt with a guy you think, "I'm just flirting, no big deal." But the guy is
|
||
thinking, "Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No way!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> It's true.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well that's pathetic!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Again true.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> And this goes for all guys?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys
|
||
from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (To Ross in the kitchen) All right, it's another commercial; I still
|
||
haven't told her!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Joey! This is like the last commercial. You've got like (checks his watch)
|
||
ten minutes left!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I know, I know! What am I going to do? (Thinks) Ooh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No! You are <b>not</b> gonna run out and leave her here!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (dejected) Yeah, all right. (Thinks of something.) Ooh! (He quickly runs
|
||
out before anyone can stop him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Grandma Tribbiani:</b> Joey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! (Tries to pantomime it
|
||
for her.) Meanwhile, let's-let's-let's talk about you. (Pause.) So, you're old and small.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Time lapse, Rachel is coming back from Chandler and Joey's.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (entering) (To Phoebe) (whispering) Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Did you find it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> The earring? No. But look, I found my sunglasses under the couch! I've
|
||
been looking for these since like last summer. (Puts 'em on.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, those are my sunglasses, you borrowed them from me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, calm down, here they are. (Gives back the sunglasses.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (entering from her room) Phoebe! (Motions for the earrings. Phoebe gives
|
||
her the one-minute sign.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (To Rachel) What are we going to do?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I don't know, I don't know.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right well, we're just gonna have to tell Monica, that's all.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh gosh, she's going to kill me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I suppose I could tell her it's just all my fault.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh that'd be great!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Mon, can I talk to you for a sec?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, what is it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Umm, I lost one of your earrings. I'm sorry! I am so, so sorry!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (shocked) Wow! All right well, I mean, what can you do? If you lost it
|
||
you lost it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I will replace it, I promise. I feel so terrible.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> All right, sweetie that's fine. You didn't do it on purpose.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Look at you! Come here! (They hug.) Feel better?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah! You're the best!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I-I-I, I can't do this. Listen
|
||
honey, this is, it's not Phoebe's fault. She lent <b>me</b> the earrings, and I lost it.
|
||
I'm so sorry. Honey, I feel terrible too. (Holds out her arms for a hug.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (angrily) That is <b>exactly</b> why I do not lend you stuff!! (Rachel
|
||
looks over at Phoebe in resignation.) Okay?! I mean, first it's my jewelry! And if it's
|
||
not my jewelry, it's-it's my blue sweater! And if it's not my sweater, it's my sunglasses!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Your sunglasses?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yes!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, right! (Hands Monica back her sunglasses.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Caitlin:</b> (from outside) Pizza!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (running to the door) Oh, mine! Mine! Mine! (to everyone) Okay, here goes.
|
||
Prepare yourselves for some Class A flirting.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, hold on. (Pauses as he readies himself.) Okay. (Walks away.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Honey, you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl, I
|
||
don't flirting is the right thing to<74> (Ross interrupts and shushes her.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You'll see. Okay. (Readies himself.) Oh, what's-what's her name?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>All:</b> Caitlin!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Grandma Tribbiani:</b> Caitlin!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (He opens the door while faking a laugh.) Hey! Oh, we-we can't keep eating
|
||
like this. (Monica turns her head in shame.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Caitlin:</b> It's uh, $12.50.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, (gets the money) so, do you make the pizzas in one of those uh,
|
||
wood-burning ovens?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Caitlin:</b> No actually umm, I think that they're umm, gas.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Gas? Wow! Intense.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Monica) If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a
|
||
problem.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (to Caitlin) Hey uh, y'know that smell gas has?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Caitlin:</b> (wanting more than anything to get the money and leave this horrible,
|
||
horrible place) Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> They put that in.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Caitlin:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> The gas is odorless, but they add the smell so you know when there's a
|
||
leak.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Caitlin:</b> (getting more desperate to leave) Well okay!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> A lot of other gas smells<6C></p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh the humanity.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Meth-methane smells<6C></p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Caitlin:</b> Y'know what umm, actually I, I really, I should go.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh but I-I-I haven't paid you yet!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Caitlin:</b> Y'know what? That's okay, you guys have ordered so many that this one
|
||
is on me! (Runs for her life.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross closes the door slowly.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (To All) Was I talking to her about gas?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> More so than anything else.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I-I-I found it interesting.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I'm sorry.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look, no-no, hey, hey, don't worry about it! In nine years, she and I will
|
||
be right there. (Goes and sits on the couch dejectedly.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, well, I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes. (She grabs a couple
|
||
of the old pizza boxes and exits.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (walking over to Ross) Ross?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What else do they add smell too?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The street outside the building, Rachel is running to catch up with Caitlin.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey! Hey! (Stops Caitlin) Hi! Hey-hey-hey, I'm Rachel! From upstairs?
|
||
The ones with all the pizza?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Caitlin:</b> Oh, is there a problem?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No. No. Every thing's--they're fine. Great pizza. But it's uh, actually
|
||
umm my friend Ross. He uh, just gets really nervous when he's flirting.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Caitlin:</b> Oh my God! That was flirting?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Caitlin:</b> Wow!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I know, I know, but uh just, I'm telling you, once, once you get past
|
||
that part, that where it-it just feels like you wanna die, he's-he's really a good person.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Caitlin:</b> The guy with the gas?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah. I'm-I'm telling you he's really sweet and he's really funny and
|
||
he's just ugh, got a good heart. And besides, I y'know, I think he really likes you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Caitlin:</b> Really?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well y'know, we have 7 people and like 10 pizzas, what do you think?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Caitlin:</b> I just, I thought Joey was there.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey's grandmother are still
|
||
watching <i>Law & Order</i>.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (entering) Hey Ross? Umm, I just ran into Caitlin in the hallway and-and
|
||
uh, you must be getting better at this flirting stuff than I thought.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What do you mean?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, I don't get it, but she wanted me to give you her phone number.
|
||
(Hands him the slip of paper with the phone number on it.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> And she just gave you this?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Rach, thanks but uh, I don't need you doing me any favors.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I-I-I didn't! I didn't! She thought you were cute.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well that I can believe.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yay!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey! Is the show still on?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Almost over man.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (says hi to his grandma) Look! Oh! (Pointing out the window.) Is that the
|
||
Pope?! (Chandler and his grandma turn to look and Joey slips a tape into the VCR.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Why am I looking?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, here I am, here's my big scene!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey has made a little home movie that's his big scene. He braces himself against the
|
||
door to his apartment and while holding a plastic gun and wearing the same sweater
|
||
says<EFBFBD>)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (on the tape) All right back off! I gotta gun! I'm not afraid to use it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Grandma Tribbiani:</b> Oh Joey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> That's right!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You couldn't have at least changed your shirt.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (on the tape) Now, I wanna a suitcase filled with 100,000 dollars. (The
|
||
duck quacks, to the duck) Choo! Choo! Choo! (To the imaginary cops) Filled with $100,000
|
||
in small bills, and if I don't get it<69>(the duck quacks louder) Choo!! And if I don't
|
||
get it, (pause, picks up the duck) I'm gonna shoot this duck!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh no!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (on the tape) I'm comin' out! (He opens the door and hops out pointing the
|
||
gun in all directions and then runs out of view.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (To Phoebe) And she's supposed to buy this?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Grandma Tribbiani:</b> Joey, bravo! (Starts with that Italian stuff again.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Suddenly, the tape cuts away from Joey's impromptu scene, to Chandler standing really,
|
||
really close to the camera.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (singing) <i>Ground control to Major Tom</i>! <i>Commencing
|
||
countdown<EFBFBD>engines<EFBFBD>on</i>!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey and Chandler both run to shut off the tape.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (to his grandmother) That's uh, scenes from next week's show. Next week's!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I am <b>definitely</b> gonna watch that!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Ending Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, another time lapse, Monica is seeking advice from Rachel
|
||
and Phoebe about possible replacement earrings.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What about these? These look the same?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Definitely!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Not as each other! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, then no.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Goes over to Chandler.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Monica) Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hi!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You ready?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You look amazing. I'm the luckiest man in the world.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Ohh, you're about to get a little luckier.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Let me see the earrings.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, honey, the earrings<67></p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (looking at them) They look great! Does your boyfriend have the best
|
||
taste or what?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> My boyfriend really does have good taste!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(He turns to get his coat and Monica gives Rachel and Phoebe two thumbs up as Chandler
|
||
walks over to Ross.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Ross) Thanks for picking out the earrings man.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hm-mmm.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<hr>
|
||
|
||
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|
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|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |