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<title>The One With The Embryos</title>
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<h1 align="center">The One With The Embryos</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Written by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it’s 0-Dark:30, in other words it’s really,
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really early. Everyone’s asleep, and all through the apartments not a creature was
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stirring, not even a mouse. That is except for the chick, who turns out to be a rooster
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and is crowing in the sun. Needless to say, this awakens Monica and Rachel who rush into
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their living room, searching for the cause of the sound.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What the <b>hell</b> is that?!! (to Monica) What the hell is that? Is
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that you? (Monica nods her head no, and Rachel realizes what is making that sound.)
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Ohhhhhhh! (storms over to Chandler and Joey’s with Monica in trail.) </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Boy, you are <b>really</b> not a morning person.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (angrily) BACK OFF!!! (She starts banging on their door.) Get up! Get
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up! Get up! God damn it! Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up!!</p>
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<p>(Chandler opens the door, finally.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> <b>What</b> is that noise?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> It’s the chick! She’s…going through some changes.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What kind of changes?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well the vet seems to think that’s she’s becoming a rooster.
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(The rooster crows.) We’re getting a second opinion.</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it’s later that morning, everybody has gotten up and
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Ross and Phoebe has joined them for breakfast. Rachel is returning from shopping.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey, what are you doing shopping at eight in the morning?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, I’ve been up since six. Thanks to <b>somebody’s</b>
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dumb-ass rooster.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You guys you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn’t
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be living in an apartment.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah! Especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around…</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right. I’m gonna go to the fertility doctor and um, see if
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I’m ready to have Frank and Alice’s embryo transferred into my uterus.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Now, how will they know if you’re ready?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, they’re just gonna umm, look to see if my endometria layer is
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thick.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, I can uh, check that for ya.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay everyone, think thick.</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Good-bye! Good luck! (She opens the door to reveal Monica and Joey.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hi! Wish me luck!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, good luck.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Good luck. (to Monica) And I’m still right!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> That is sooo not true!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> She’s mad because I know today’s her laundry day and that means
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she’s wearing her old lady underpants.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I can check that for ya.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I just—I can’t believe that you think that you and Chandler
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know me and Rachel better than we know you.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well… we-we do. <b>You</b> can only eat Tic Tacks in even
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numbers.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, what’s that about?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (to Rachel) And you… Ross, I believe, if you check Rachel’s
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bag you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (He does so, and finds a half-eaten box of cookies.) You’re good.
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(Tries a cookie.) These are not.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’m <b>so</b> not impressed. Everybody snacks when they shop.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh yeah? Ross, how many items left in that bag?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Five.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, ten bucks says that we can name every item in that bag.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> How many guesses do you get?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Six.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Challenge extended.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Deal!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Challenge excepted.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right, we’ll start with…apples.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> We’ll be starting with apples.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (to Ross) Stop that now!</p>
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<p>(Ross reveals a bag of apples.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay. Uhh, tortilla chips, yogurt.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Diet soda.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yes. Yes. Yes. (They’re perfect so far.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Orange juice.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! There’s no orange juice in there! We win!! </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Ha-ha!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> They <b>have</b> another guess.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, well, we won that one.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay, the last thing…</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh! (Whispers something in Joey’s ear.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No-no, not for like another two weeks.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I got it! Scotch… tape. (They’re right.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> How did you know she would buy scotch tape?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, we used there’s up last night making scary faces.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Aww, man!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> All right! Ten buck! Fork it over! Cough it up! Pay the piper! Gimme
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it.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> That does not mean you know us better, I-I want a rematch.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, and none of these stupid grocery questions, real personal
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questions.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah! And the winner gets a hundred bucks.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Serious?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Are you scared?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No! All right, who-who makes up the questions?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Ross will do it.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh sure, "Ross will do it!" It’s not like he has a job, or
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a child, or a life of his own.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Fine! We’ll ask Phoebe.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No-no-no, I-I wanna play.</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Doctor’s office, Dr. Zane is examining Phoebe as Frank and Alice
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watch.]</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Zane:</b> It looks like your uterus is ready for implantation.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh! I knew it! I knew it! I felt really thick this morning.</p>
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<p><b>Frank:</b> Well, okay, so what’s now—go get, go get the eggs, put ‘em
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in there.</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Zane:</b> Okay, it’ll take just a little while to prepare the embryos.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Embryossss? As in, "More than one?"</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Zane:</b> Um-hmm, five actually.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Five? Okay, where am I giving birth, a hospital or a big box under the
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stairs?</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Zane:</b> We do five because that gives you a 25% chance that at least one will
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attach.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> That’s it! 25 percent? That means that’s it’s like 75
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percent chance of no baby at all!</p>
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<p><b>Frank:</b> Hey, y’know I was thinking, what are the odds like if-if, if you
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stuff like 200 of them in there?</p>
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<p><b>Alice:</b> Sweety, now, she’s a woman, not a gumball machine.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, well y’know what, don’t worry you guys, ‘cause
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I’m-I’m gonna do this as many times as it takes to get it right.</p>
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<p><b>Frank:</b> Well, you see, the-the thing is, we-we only got, we kinda have one shot
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to make it right.</p>
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<p><b>Alice:</b> Umm, it costs $16,000 each time you do this. So, umm, we’re kinda
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using all the money we have to do it just this one time.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Whoa!! That—okay, that’s a <b>lot</b> of pressure on me and my
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uterus. (to Dr. Zane) So, well okay, so is there—is maybe is there something that I
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can do y’know just to like help make sure I get pregnant?</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Zane:</b> No, I’m sorry.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Wow! You guys really don’t know anything!</p>
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<p><b>Frank:</b> I know! Why don’t you get drunk! That worked for a lot of girls in
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my high school.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is about to begin.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You guys! Do you realize that any minute now, Phoebe can be pregnant?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Huh.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I know! I know, it’s such a huge, life-altering thing.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I know.</p>
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<p>(They all pause and think about it.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> The test is ready.</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Yeah! Yes! (They all right into the living room, all excited.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, each team will answer ten questions. The first team that answers the
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most questions wins. Okay, the categories are, Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History,
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Literature, and It’s All Relative. Now, the coin toss to see who goes first. (He
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flips the coin and they all watch it hit the table and stop. Then they all look up at him,
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to see who goes first.) Okay, somebody call it this time.</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Oh yeah!</p>
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<p>(Ross flips the coin again.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Tails!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> It’s heads. (The guys celebrate.) Gentlemen, pick your category.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Fears and Pet Peeves.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What is Monica’s biggest pet peeve?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Animals dressed as humans.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> That’s correct. Ladies?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Same category?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejeezus out of him?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> That is correct.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (to Chandler) The Irish gig guy?!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> His legs flail about as if independent of his body!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Gentlemen, you’re pick.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> It’s All Relative.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Monica and I have a grandmother who died, you both went to her funeral,
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name that grandmother!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (to Chandler) Nana?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> She has a real name.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (answering the question) Althea!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Althea?! What are you doing?! </p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I took a shot.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You're shooting with Althea?!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Althea is correct.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Nice shooting!</p>
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<p>(Ross motions for the girls to pick.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> We’ll take Literature!!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey’s apartment. What
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name appears on the address label?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Chandler gets it! It’s Chandler Bing!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No!!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I’m afraid the TV Guide comes to Chinandolor Bong.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I knew that! Rachel! Use you’re head!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Actually, it’s Miss Chinandolor Bong.</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Doctor’s office, Phoebe is giving a pep talk to the petrie dish
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containing the embryos.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hello, tiny embryos. Well, I’m-I’m Phoebe Buffay, hi!
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I’m-I’m-I’m hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should
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know, that we’re doing this for Frank and Alice, who you know, you’ve been
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there! Umm, y’know they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab
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on. Okay, and-and I promise that I’ll keep you safe and warm until you’re ready
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to have them take you home, so… Oh! And also, umm next time you see me, I’m
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screaming, don’t worry, that’s what’s supposed to happen.</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Zane:</b> Ready?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Uh-huh. (To the embryos) Good luck.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is coming to a close.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> All right, the score is nine to eight in favor of the guys. Ladies if you
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miss this the game is theirs, pick your category.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (shouting) It’s All Relative!!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You don’t have to shout everything.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (shouting) I’m sorry!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ooh. What is the name of Chandler’s father’s Las Vegas all-male
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burlesque?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Viva Las Gaygas!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Unfortunately that is correct.</p>
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<p><b>The Girls:</b> Yes!!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> All right, we have a tie. Luckily, I have prepared for such an event. (He
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opens up an envelope and holds up some note cards.) The Lightning Round!</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Ohhhh.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Thirty seconds, all the questions you can answer.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You guys are dead, I am <b>so</b> good at lighting rounds.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I majored in lightning rounds. All right, we’re gonna destroy
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you.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Huh, wanna bet?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, I’m so confused as to what we’ve been doing so
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far…</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> How about we play for more money, say 150?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> 150 dollars.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Say 200?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> 200 dollars.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You’re doing it again.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Excuse me.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Monica, I don’t want to lose 200 dollars.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> We won’t. (to Chandler) 300?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Monica?!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I’m just trying to spice it up!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, so let’s play for some pepper! Stop spending my money!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oooohh that’s interesting.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey, no way, that rooster’s family!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Throw in the duck too!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> What do you have against the duck?! He doesn’t make any noise!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, he gets the other one all riled up.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Look, we are not gonna…</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (interrupting) All right, hold on! If you win, we give up the birds.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (shocked) Dah!! (Chandler motions for him to calm down.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> But if we win, we get your apartment.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oooooh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Deal!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, only slightly later.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Monica, betting the apartment, I don’t know about this.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Rachel, I have not missed one question the whole game. I own this game!
|
||
Look at my hand. (Holds up her hand.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Why? Do you have the answers written on there?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No! Steady as a rock! Now, are you with me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> All right, let’s do it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Come on!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. (They go into the living room.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> All right, gentlemen, you’re up first.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay. (Starts jumping around.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You have 30 seconds. And the lightning round begins—stop it (Chandler
|
||
stops jumping)—now. What was Monica’s nickname when she was a field hockey
|
||
goalie?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Big fat goalie.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Correct. Rachel claims <b>this</b> is her favorite movie…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> <em>Dangerous Liaisons</em>.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Correct. Her actual favorite movie is...</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> <em>Weekend at Bernie’s</em>.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Correct. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh! (Whispers something in Joey’s ear and then in Ross’s
|
||
ear.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Eww! No!! Her ear! All right, Monica categorizes her towels. How many
|
||
categories are there?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They both confer.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Everyday use.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Fancy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Guest.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Fancy guest.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Two seconds…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Uhh, 11!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> 11, unbelievable 11 is correct. (The guys celebrate.) All right,
|
||
that’s 4 for the guys. Ladies, you’re up. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> All right!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Come on!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(As they change places, they give each other the now patented Ross maneuver. If you
|
||
don’t know what that means, click here to find out The One With Joey's New
|
||
Girlfriend.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> 30 seconds on the clock. 5 questions wins the game. The lightning round
|
||
begins…now! What is Joey’s favorite food?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Sandwiches! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl’s breast?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> 14?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No, 19.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Thanks man.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Joey, had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Maurice.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Correct, his profession was?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Space cowboy!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Correct! What is Chandler Bing’s job?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The girls are stumped)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> And processing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> He carries a briefcase.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> It’s umm, it has something to do with transponding.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh-oh-oh, he’s a transponce—transpondster!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> That’s not even a word! I can get this! I can get this!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross stops the clock, signifying the end of the lightning round.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> <b>NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!</b></p><b>
|
||
</b>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my God.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler and Joey:</b> <b>YEAH!!!</b> YES!!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are carrying
|
||
in the foosball table.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I call Monica’s room!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You can’t just call Monica’s room.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Sure I can, standard shotgun rules, I’m sight of the room and I
|
||
called it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Chandler grunts and turns around, sees that he’s in sight of the room, and mouths
|
||
damn!)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Man, I feel like I’m coming down with something.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah. (to Chandler) I bet you can’t guess what color my tonsils
|
||
are? I’ll bet the apartment!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, I would never bet this apartment. It’s too nice.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (entering) Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey—ooh Pheebs, are they in there?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Umm, yeah, uh-huh, they’re implanted.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> How do you feel?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, freaked. ‘Cause it turns out that the odds are really sucky.
|
||
And! This is Frank and Alice’s like only shot. Like, they are <b>literally</b>
|
||
putting all of their eggs in my basket.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, but I bet it works.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Really?! How much?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right, I’m gonna go take a pregnancy test, right now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh wow! You can tell this soon.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well the doctor says it takes a couple days, but my body’s always
|
||
been a little faster than Western medicine. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (entering from Chandler’s bedroom, I guess, and sees the foosball
|
||
table.) Oh my God! I can’t believe you guys are actually think you’re moving in
|
||
here!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well believe it baby!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well I-I-I’m not moving.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> <b>What?!</b></p><b>
|
||
</b>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No, it was a stupid bet! We were just playing a game!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> You can’t just ignore the bet! It’s a bet! You bet and you bet
|
||
and if you lose, you lose the bet!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Look Rach, we have to move. I mean if they had lost, we would’ve
|
||
made them get rid of the birds. Right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Noooo.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> All right, look, I hate this as much as you, but if it makes you feel
|
||
better, it’s all your fault.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Chinadolor Bong, come on, we steal that TV Guide every week!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I knew it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I don’t care, I’m not going anywhere.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Cool, girl roommate.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Phoebe comes in from the bathroom as Rachel sits down in disgust.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Nope, not knocked up yet.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> It’s only been a couple of hours, so just give it some time.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, all right. Meanwhile, I’m gonna do whatever I can to help
|
||
this so, I’m just gonna y’know, lie it your chair, (She climbs into the chair
|
||
and drapes her feet over the back of the chair.) Y'know? Yeah, good, I’m let gravity
|
||
y’know, do its jobs.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut too later, the moving process is progressing steadily. Monica is trying to lift a
|
||
heavy box, as Rachel comes in from Chandler’s bedroom.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey, Rach, can you give me a hand with this box?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! Put that box down! We are not going anywhere! This is my apartment
|
||
and I like it! This is a girl’s apartment! That is a boy’s apartment, it’s
|
||
dirty and it smells. This is pretty. It’s-it’s so pretty! And look, and
|
||
it’s-it’s purple! And I’m telling you, you with the steady hand, I am not
|
||
moving, and now <b>I</b> have got the steady hand. (She holds out her hand, which is
|
||
shaking uncontrollably.) </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I’ll take care of it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> That’s right! You do what the hand says!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to later, Phoebe is still in the chair and Rachel is laying down as Monica
|
||
enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> How did it go?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I lost our mattresses.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to still later, Rachel has now resigned herself to move and is now helping Monica.
|
||
Phoebe is still on the chair.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (singing) "<em>Are you in there little fetus</em>? <br>
|
||
|
||
<em>In nine will you come great us</em>? <br>
|
||
|
||
<em>I will buy you some Adidas</em>."</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(There’s a knock on the door and Monica answers it.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank and Alice:</b> (entering) Hi!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Alice:</b> Hi, Phoebe! We were just at the drugstore and we got you a little
|
||
present.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh. Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank:</b> Umm, it’s a lollipop and a uh, a home pregnancy test.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey, don’t mix those up, you could really ruin that lollipop.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Alice:</b> So umm, you feel like taking a test? There’s only one question.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right, I will. No, I will. But umm, y’know just remember that
|
||
it’s still really early, okay so, if it says that I’m not pregnant, that
|
||
doesn’t mean that I’m not gonna <b>get</b> pregnant, okay and, and just please,
|
||
just so I don’t go completely nuts, just try not put all your hopes on this.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Alice:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank:</b> Okay. (They both squeal in expectation.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Great. (Goes to take the test.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The door opens and Joey and Chandler ride in on the big, fake dog in triumph)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Y’know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey, don’t get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> That is not true. She did! She forced me!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey, we would still be living here if hadn’t gotten the question
|
||
wrong!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well it stupid, unfair question!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Don’t blame the questions!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving
|
||
day for us!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Will you stop calling it your apartment!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> But it is our apartment!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No it’s not!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They all decay into massive bickering as Phoebe returns from the bathroom.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You guys! You guys! You’re gonna have a baby! They’re gonna
|
||
have a baby!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank:</b> <b>MY SISTER’S GONNA HAVE MY BABY!!!!!!!</b></p><b>
|
||
</b>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They all go over and hug Phoebe.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, but this can’t be good for the baby.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>All:</b> Oh! (They stop hugging her to let her out and resume the hug without her.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Closing Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are busy
|
||
unpacking.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I can’t find garbage bags!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, I think I saw some in here. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(She opens a door and they both scream at horror at what’s inside of it.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What is it?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I don’t know! But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, it’ll
|
||
die.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I can’t believe we’re living here!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, they’re both unpacked. The
|
||
big ceramic dog has found a new home in front of the window. Joey screams and runs into
|
||
the living room.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What?! What-what is it?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Did you see the size of the closets?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I can’t believe we live here!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They both sit down on the chairs and put up the foot rest.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler and Joey:</b> Awwwww!! (They lean back all the way.) Awwwwwww!!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |