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<title>The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath</title>
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<h1 align="center">The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Written by: Vanessa McCarthy<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:webmaster@thecfsi.com">Eric Aasen</a><br>
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With Help From: Dan Gottleib</p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is at the counter eating a bowl of <i>Frosted
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Flakes</i>.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>(thinking) <i>All right</i>.<i> It’s a new day. All that stuff about
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Rachel, you don’t feel that now</i>.<i> It was crazy</i>!<i> You’re fine</i>.<i>
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You’re better than fine</i>!<i> You are, as your friend Tony would say, Grrrreat</i>!<i>
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Everything’s normal</i>!<i> She’s just your friend Rachel</i>!<i> Your friend
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Rachel</i>.<i> Your friend</i>!<i> Rachel</i>.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> (coming from her room) Hi, sweetie.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>(thinking) <i>Hey, it’s your girlfriend, Rachel</i>!</p>
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<b>
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<p align="CENTER">Opening Credits</p>
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</b>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler is sitting on the couch watching TV as
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Monica comes out of the bathroom.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>(airily) Hi.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Are you, are you high?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>I just had the most amazing bath.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Really? I don’t like baths.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Wait, you like them with me.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Honey, it’s not the bath I enjoy, it’s the wet, naked lady.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Oh, baths are so relaxing!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Really? What do you do? You just sit in there stewing in your own filth.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>How dirty do you think I am? I’m telling you, if you had some candles
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and some bubbles and some music, you would love it! It would take all of your stress away.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Honey, it’s 2:00 on a Wednesday and I’m watching <i>Road Rules</i>,
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how stressed do you think I am?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>(entering) Hey, Chandler, you got a minute? I-I really need to talk to you.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Oh! Uh, yeah! Is this a cold pizza talk or a leftover meatloaf talk?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Well, neither.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Oh my God, what’s up?!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>I don’t know. It’s-it’s just…lately, I’ve been
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feeling… Okay, here’s what it is… (Pause) You know what? I feel a lot
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better, thanks! (Starts to leave)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Oh no-no, no you don’t, just come back.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>All right. Okay. You and Monica, friends for a long time, and sure there are
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rules, but then you went to London. Oh, no, but that’s different. I mean, there are
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rules there, too! You know what I mean?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Do you?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey:</b> It was different for you guys! I mean, I mean, you were both in the same
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place, right?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>In London?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Yeah.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Yes. When Monica and I were in London, we were both in London.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey:</b> You know what? This is a bad idea. Forget it. Forget it, and listen, do me a
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favor, this conversation was between you and me.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>If that.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Ross sits down.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi! Oh, Ross, don’t forget, we have that doctor’s appointment
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tomorrow!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> Right.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey, are you going to find out the sex of the baby?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> No-no, we talked about it. We don’t want to know. All we care about is
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that it’s happy and healthy.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Yep! Happy and healthy! And cute!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>And smart!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Popular.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> With an aptitude for science.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Are you two talking about the same baby? Hey! Have you started off thinking
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of names yet?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Oh yeah! I’ve come up with a bunch of ideas!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Really? Me too!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Me too!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Really?!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Uh huh! If it’s a girl, Phoebe, and if it’s a boy, Phoebo!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Maybe. But it wouldn’t hurt to have a backup, you know? Uh, Rach-Rach,
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what were you thinking? (Gives her a look)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Okay! I was thinking if it’s a girl, how about Sandrine? It’s
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French.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Huh. That’s a really pretty name for-for an industrial solvent.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Okay fine, what do you have?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Well, OK, it’s for a boy. Well, I know it’s a little out there,
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but…Darwin.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow, oh my God, our child will be beaten to death in the schoolyard.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, by Sandrine.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>You’re just saying that 'cause I said no to your name!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> I’m really, really not.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>How-how about you each get five vetoes?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>All right.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> All right.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> That sounds fair.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Yeah! I don’t think you’re going to need it though. Okay, check
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this out. If it’s a girl, Rain.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Veto.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Why?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Rain? Hi. Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln, and my dress is made out
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of wheat.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>I know her! I bought homemade soap from her at a Dead show!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Okay, how about, for a guy, Thatcher?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Ross, why do you hate our child?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Fine, you go.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Okay, James.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Huh.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>But only if it’s a girl.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Oh, veto. How about—Ooh, I like Ruth! What about Ruth?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Oh! I’m sorry! Are we having an 89-year-old? How about Dayton?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> Veto. Stewart?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Veto. Sawyer?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Veto. Helen?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Veto.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Is it me, or is veto starting to sound really good?</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica comes from the bathroom as Chandler enters.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Hey.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Boy, do I have a surprise for you!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Sex on the balcony?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>No, but someone’s really not going to get over that idea, are they?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>What is it?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>I drew you a bath!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Honey, I don’t like baths! Could you draw me a picture of us having
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sex on the balcony?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Please, could you just try it for me? Come on, I used all my best stuff!
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I-I-I lit some candles. I put on some music. I used bath salts, plus bubble bath! And got
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you this little plastic Navy ship. So it’s a boy bath!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Well, this does butch it up a bit.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>I swear, if you try it, you will love it!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>All right, if I do this, can we at least discuss sex on the balcony?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Absolutely.</p>
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<p>(Chandler runs into the bathroom)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Bet I know how <b>that</b> discussion’s going to go.</p>
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<p>[Cut to Chandler laying in the bathtub. "<i>Only Time</i>," is playing in the
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background.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>(thinking) <i>All right, this isn’t so bad</i>.<i> I like the flower
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smell</i>!<i> Which is okay, because I’ve got my boat</i>.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>(entering) So?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Oh my God.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>I told you you were a bath person! Hey, when you get out, maybe I can give you
|
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a facial!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>I’m going to need a bigger boat.</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Doctor’s Office, the doctor is writing something as Rachel is on the
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table, and Ross is standing.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I don’t think you had an open mind about the name Ruth. I mean, come on,
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little Ruthie Geller, how-how cute is that?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Oh, oh my God! I can practically hear the mahjong tiles!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Dr. Long: </b>Okay! All your tests look fine. Now, are you two interested in knowing
|
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the sex of the baby?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Uh, no. No, we’re not.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>But you have it right there in that file? You could tell us whether
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it’s a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Dr. Long: </b>That’s right. But if you don’t want to know…</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> No, no, we want to wait, right?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Right. Right.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Dr. Long: </b>(looks at her beeping pager) Oh, I’ll be right back. And, uh, I know
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it’s really not my place, but please don’t name your child Phoebo.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(looking at the bulletin board with baby pictures) So, which of these
|
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babies do you think is the ugliest?</p>
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<b>
|
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|
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>What? Rach! Come on, that’s terrible!
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They’re…uh…they’re babies. They’re-they’re all beautiful.</p>
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||
<b>
|
||
|
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Third one from the left?</p>
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||
<b>
|
||
|
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Yeah, why is it staring at me? I think it knows I’m talking about it.
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(Rachel starts to peek at the file) Don’t-don’t you—Wh—Wha—Hey!! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> What?! </p>
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||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross:</b> You’re looking!</p>
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||
<b>
|
||
|
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>I didn’t!</p>
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||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I saw you!</p>
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||
<b>
|
||
|
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Okay fine, I did. But I didn’t see anything, I swear.</p>
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||
<b>
|
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|
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!</p>
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||
<b>
|
||
|
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Okay, but Ross just listen to me…</p>
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||
<b>
|
||
|
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> No, no, no, no! Don’t tell me! I don’t want to know!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>But I couldn’t even if I wanted to, because I don’t know! I
|
||
swear; I didn’t see anything, and I don’t want to know! It was just a momentary
|
||
lapse.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Momentary lapse. Don’t-don’t you have any self-control?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(holding stomach) Okay, a couple months late on the lecture, Ross.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s, Monica is entering.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Hello?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>I’m in the bathroom, can you come in here? I think there’s
|
||
something wrong.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>You know what? I-I think I’ll wait out here. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>I’m in the bathtub.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Oh. (She goes into the bathroom.) What’s wrong?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>I drew my own bath, but I did it wrong! The water’s tepid. The salt
|
||
didn’t dissolve and is now… lodged places. And the scents I used don’t
|
||
compliment each other. Eucalyptus and chamomile—Oh!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>What?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>The bath salts! They’re starting to effervesce! It’s different.
|
||
(Pause) It’s interesting.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Okay, let’s talk about something else.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Yeah! Sure, sure. So, what was going on with you today? Oh-oh-oh!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Well, I actually had the weirdest conversation with Joey. He was talking
|
||
about rules and right and wrong and…</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>I had the exact same conversation.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>You did? What was he talking about?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>I don’t know! Joey hasn’t had this much trouble getting out
|
||
words since we saw him in <i>Macbeth</i>!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>(groans) That was a long night.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>All right, let’s break this down. What exactly did he say to you?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Okay, he was talking about rules.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Uh-huh.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Umm, and looking at people differently.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>He didn’t say anything about that to me.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>What did he tell you?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>He was asking all these questions about you, me, and London. And, of
|
||
course the glue that holds this all together, the rules.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Okay. So you, me and London. Looking at people differently. Maybe he wants
|
||
to do what you and I did in London with someone.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>But what did he mean by rules?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Wait a minute! He stopped talking the minute Phoebe came in!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Because he was looking at her differently.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>And Phoebe is his friend, so he thinks that would be breaking the rules!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>My God! He wants to do it with Phoebe in London!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>(from outside the bathroom) You guys?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Just a minute! (To Chandler) That’s Mrs. Tribbiani!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>You don’t say anything.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Why would I say anything? That two of our best friends could start the
|
||
greatest love affair of their lives! And they would have me to thank, and we could all
|
||
start having babies?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>I’m not going to let you say anything.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>You just stay here! (Dumps a jar of bath salts in the bathtub)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Oh, God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Monica runs out to Phoebe, who is in the kitchen)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Oh, hey, Monica, I brought back your iron.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Oh, you had that? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Uh-huh.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> I thought I lost it. I got a new one, like, a month ago.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Oh, just as well, I broke this one.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Monica starts smiling)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>What?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Nothing.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Okay.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>I mean, I-I, I really shouldn’t say. I mean, I’m really not
|
||
supposed to.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Fine.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>It’s a humdinger!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Then it’s really too bad that you can’t tell me.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Somebody likes you!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>(Groans) Is it Chandler?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>No!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Well, then tell him to stop staring!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>It’s Joey!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Really?! Joey?! You don’t say.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Is it something you’d be interested in?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. You know, I mean,
|
||
on the one hand, Mother may I? But y’know on the other hand… No. No, I
|
||
can’t. We’re friends. No, oh, no. I don’t want to risk what we have.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>I guess that makes sense. So, you think you’re going to talk to him?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Sure, yeah. I mean, it’s Joey. I don’t want him to get hurt.
|
||
Well, I must say, I am on fire! First Chandler, now Joey!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Not Chandler, just Joey.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Sure.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
<p align="CENTER">Commercial Break</p>
|
||
</b>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central perk, Ross is sitting on the chair as Rachel walks in.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Hey.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>You know what? I’ve been thinking about it. I’m really coming
|
||
around on the name Ruth. I think I would actually consider naming our child that.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Rach, I-I can’t tell you how-how much that means to me! Ohh… Wait a
|
||
minute. Wait a minute. You-you hated the name Ruth! Why-why would you change your mind?
|
||
Unless, you know we’re never going to have to use it. You did see the folder. You
|
||
know it’s a boy!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>I didn’t see anything! I actually changed my mind about the name.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I don’t think so! You’re just giving me Ruth so you’ll get to
|
||
name it when it’s a boy, and that’s when you’ll swoop in and name him Heath
|
||
or Blaine or Sequoia.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>I would—Sequoia?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Veto.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Fine.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Unless… (Rachel groans.)<b> </b>You anticipated that I would figure all
|
||
this out and you know that it actually is a girl, and you really do want her to be named
|
||
Ruth! Well, I’m not falling for that! Okay? Ruth is off the table!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>But Ross, you want the name Ruth!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Not like this!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Rachel and Joey’s, Joey is sitting on his recliner as Phoebe enters.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Hey.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Hey. Well, what’s up?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Umm, Joey, I know.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>What?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>I knooow.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Whaaat?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>I know about your feelings.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Oh my God. You do?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Yes, and I’m sorry. I-I know things worked out for Chandler and
|
||
Monica, but that’s very rare.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>I know. I know. And this is so much more complicated than it was for those
|
||
guys. I mean, it’s Rachel for God sakes.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>For God sakes, it’s Rachel!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>I know. I know. And she’s not only my friend; she’s my pregnant
|
||
friend! She’s my pregnant friend who’s Ross’ ex!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Yeah that’s Rachel. (To herself) Beat me over the head with it.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>What am I going to do? You know, and I keep, I keep trying to get rid of
|
||
these feelings, y’know? I stayed up all last night and made a list of everything I
|
||
don’t like about her. You want to hear it?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Yeah.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>She made me switch to light Mayo. That’s it! That’s all I got! And,
|
||
you know what? It tastes the same and my pants fit better!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Joey, I just think you’re getting worked up over nothing. This is
|
||
probably just a crush.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>You think?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Absolutely! Y’know, you get this rush of feelings, but then it goes
|
||
away.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Yeah, just a crush! That’s all this is! It’s a crush! I’m
|
||
Joey; I don’t get deep feelings.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>That’s right, there you go! Crushes happen all the time! I know
|
||
I’ve had them for all you guys. Well, except for Ross and Chandler. And I’m sure
|
||
you’ve had them for us.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Not really.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Mm-hmm. (To herself) Throw me a bone here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as Ross enters.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>So, I uh… I called the doctor and now we both know the sex of the baby.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>What?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>That’s right. The student has become the master.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Ross, I swear, I don’t know.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Oh, come on, you know it’s a girl!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>A what?!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>You really didn’t know?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>We’re having a girl?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>No.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>That’s what you just said!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>No.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>You said girl!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Yes. I’m… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>I’m not! We’re having a girl! Sometimes I can’t believe
|
||
it’s with you—But still! We’re having a girl!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I know! I know. You know what? I’m putting Ruth back on the table!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Oh, yes! We’ll have ourselves a little baby Ruth…</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Permission to veto.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Yes, please.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler enters as Monica comes from the bathroom.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Hey.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Do I smell essential oils?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Yeah, I’m going to take a bath. I’m just going to get a magazine.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(As soon as Monica leaves the room, Chandler takes off his jacket and runs to the
|
||
bathroom. Monica enters the bathroom to find Chandler in the bathtub.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>What do you think you’re doing?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> L-leaving my troubles behind?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>I know that you’re new at this, but this is completely unacceptable
|
||
bath decorum.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Oh, it’s so hard to care when you’re this relaxed.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Fine, you can have the bath, but I am taking your boat. Now you’re
|
||
just a girl in a tub!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Phoebe enters the bathroom)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>(upset) Hey!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Hi, Bubbles. Manly. Well, I just thought I would drop by and let you know
|
||
how it went with Joey.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>(To Monica) You told her?!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> She pulled it out of me! She’s like a conversational wizard!
|
||
How’d it go?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Well, you were wrong, he doesn’t like me!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>What?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Yeah! How would you like it if I sent you to Lee Majors’ house and
|
||
told you that he liked you, and you went down there and you found out that he didn’t
|
||
like you? How would you feel?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>(Pause)<b> </b>I don’t think I’d care.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Really? Lee Majors is hot!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>(from outside the bathroom) Hello?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>We’re in the bathroom!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Why?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>(sarcastically) Because it’s a relaxing and enjoyable time!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>(entering the bathroom) What are you guys doing in here?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Oh my God! A friend he’s looking at differently, but it’s wrong.
|
||
It’s Rachel!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>You like Rachel?!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>It’s no big deal, okay? Phoebe and I talked about it. It’s just a
|
||
crush! It’s going to go away! (Looks down) Dude, you gotta rearrange your bubbles!
|
||
Oh!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>(checking for herself) (To Monica) Mazel tov.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(entering) Hey! Ross and I were looking for you! What are we all doing in
|
||
here? (Looks at Chandler) Oh, my! (Covers the spot where Joey wants bubbles to be
|
||
replaced.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Honey, cover it up with the boat!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(from outside the bathroom) Hello?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>(sarcastically) Yes we’re all in here and we would love for you to
|
||
join us!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(entering) Well hey! What’s going on? Ooh, cool boat—(Sees why the
|
||
boat’s there)—Oh, no. (Averts his eyes by looking around the room) (To Rachel)
|
||
Hey, did you, did you tell them?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>No, I was waiting for you!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Tell us what?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>We’re having a girl.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>All: </b>Oh, wow! Yay! Wow! Hooray! Oh, man!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They all hug and then turn and look at Chandler)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>I’ll…I’ll get you later!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is sitting at the counter eating <i>Cocoa Puffs</i>.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>(thinking) <i>All right</i>. <i>It’s a new day, and it’s just a
|
||
crush, that’s all</i>! <i>Just a little crush</i>! <i>All that worrying I was doing,
|
||
that was crazy</i>. <i>Crazy</i>!<i> Like my friend here the bird would say, </i>"<i>it
|
||
was cuckoo</i>!"<i> Everything’s going to be fine. It’s just a crush.</i></p><i>
|
||
</i><b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(entering) Hi, sweetie.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>(thinking) <i>I love you.</i></p><i>
|
||
</i><b>
|
||
|
||
<p align="CENTER">Closing Credits</p>
|
||
</b>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s bathroom. Both are sitting on opposite ends of the
|
||
bathtub.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>It sure is nice to do this together, isn’t it?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Yeah. And what you’re doing feels so good.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>I’m not touching you.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>You’re not?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>It’s the salts.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Oh, sweet Lord. New realms of pleasure!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>(To herself) Whatever keeps you off the balcony, big guy!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |