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<title>The One With Ross's Thing</title>
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<body bgcolor="white" text="black" link="green" vlink="black" alink="yellow" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One With Ross's Thing</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are playing with the duck and the
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chick.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could
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call it Chuck.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Or... Dick.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (entering) Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler and Joey:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Listen, I-I need a favor. Umm, I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing
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myself, I ah, I-I, well I felt something.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Was it like a sneeze only better?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No, no, I mean, I mean a thing on my body.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (with a disgusted look) What was it?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, I don't know, it's-it's kinda in a place that's not... It's not
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visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could-could help me out.
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(starts to take off his pants)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler and Joey:</b> Whoa!!!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No!!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Come on you guys, it's no big deal! (He turns around and shows him his
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thing.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! (sees it) Huh.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well what is it? Is it a mole? (He moves closer to them, and they jump
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back.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, eww. What? Is it a pimple?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go
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see a<> </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (entering, interrupting them) Hey guys! What's... (sees what they're
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doing and stops, the guys are stunned)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, well, it's definite, two more weeks of winter.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ahhh.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, right.</p>
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<p>(Rachel backs out with a confused look on her face.)</p>
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<p align="center"><b>Opening Credits</b></p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel are there, as Phoebe enters with her
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date.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (to her date) Okay, and then this is the coffee house. This is where I
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play my music. (points to the stage)</p>
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<p><b>Vince:</b> Good deal.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, and these are my friends. People. This is Vince, Vince the people.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Vince:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Vince is a fireman.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow! Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before?</p>
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<p><b>Vince:</b> 98 hot saves, highest in the force.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, y'know if Joey and I played with matches we could get you up to
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an even hundred. </p>
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<p><b>Vince:</b> (dead serious) Fire safety is not a joke, son.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You're right, I know.</p>
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<p><b>Vince:</b> (to Phoebe) Look, I gotta go. I'm on call tonight. (kisses her) See you
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Saturday. (leaves)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay. (watches him leave)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow, he's cute, Pheebs! But I thought you just started dating that
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Kindergarten teacher.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh, we're seeing each other tonight.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What-Pheebs?! Two dates in one day? That's so unlike you.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I know, I know! I'm like playing the field. Y'know? Like, juggling two
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guys, I'm sowing my wild oats. Y'know? Y'know, this kind've like y'know oat-sowin',
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field-playin' juggler.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> So Pheebs, do they know about each other?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Does a dog's lips move when he reads? (Joey makes an `I don't know'
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face, and looks to Chandler and Rachel, who're also stumped) Okay, no they don't.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (entering) Hey guys!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p>(He goes over and sits down at the counter, all depressed.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (going over to him) Well?!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (joining them) Okay, how'd it go at the doctor's?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, he said there's definitely nothing to worry about, it's totally
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benign.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Well what is it?!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> He couldn't even tell me! He said it was just some sort of skin...
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abnormality. And the worst thing is he-he-he said, he said, without being able to identify
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it, he was reluctant to remove it.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Y'know what? You should go to my guy, because when I went in there
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with my third nipple. He just lopped it right off. Y'know? So I guess I'm lucky. I mean
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not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> At least they knew what yours was. Y'know, yours had a name.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after you! Y'know, they'll call it, The Ross.
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And then people would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross."</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (sarcastic) Yeah, that'd be cool!</p>
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<p>[cut to Phoebe and Rachel as Monica returns from the bathroom]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Pete's breaking up with me.</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> What?!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I just checked my messages, and he said that when he gets back from
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Atlanta, <b>we</b> need to talk.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> And?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well that's it. People never say `We need to talk' unless it's something
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bad.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Whoa, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's breaking up with you.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Really?!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you.</p>
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<p>[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking with her second date, Jason.]</p>
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<p><b>Jason:</b> ...and I know I'll never miss doing it, but I gotta tell you, it's pretty
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cool knowing that you're making a difference in a kid's life.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> That is so great! Oh, I... (sees that a parked car near them has caught
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on fire) Oh my God!</p>
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<p><b>Jason:</b> Whoa!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (the fire has worsened) Oh my God!!!</p>
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<p><b>Jason:</b> Ahh-ahh, we'd better call the fire department!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (stopping him) No! No! </p>
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<p><b>Jason:</b> No, no?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, we don't n-n-n-n-need a fireman, we'd, we'd like a good mechanic.
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(hears the sound of approaching sirens) Oh my God, here they come! Well, we gotta get out
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of here!</p>
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<p><b>Jason:</b> W-w-w-wait! Why?!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I would date one. Okay? (she
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drags him away)</p>
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<p>[Scene: A Doctor's Office, Ross is having his thing looked at by Dr. Rhodes.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Th-th-that's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know? Just your run-of-the-mill
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third nipple. Y'know? You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off!</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Rhodes:</b> Take your shirt off, and let's see what we're dealing with here.
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(Ross starts to take off his pants) What are you doing?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Just showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-it-right-off third nipple.</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Rhodes:</b> Well that's not a third nipple.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No?</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Rhodes:</b> First of all, it's on your ass.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well then, what is it?!</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Rhodes:</b> Wait a minute, hold it. (He goes to the door and opens it.) Johnson!
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Will you come in here a moment?</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Johnson:</b> I'm with Hamilton!</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Rhodes:</b> He's good with rear things, bring him in too.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (starting to get up) I gotta go water Pete's plants. (stops) Y'know
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what, if he's gonna break up with me, maybe I <b>won't</b> water his plants.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water
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his plants. If y'know what I mean.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (entering with Rachel) <20>and I-I can't take it! Y'know? I'm just,
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always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's making me crazy.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well honey, then why don't you break up with one of them?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (disgusted) Uh.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, it just, it doesn't feel like playing anymore, it feels like work.
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It's like I'm working in the field.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> So Pheebs, pick one of them.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah. Which one do you like more?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, Vince is great, y'know `cause, he's like a guy, guy. Y'know? He's
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so burly, he's sooo <b>very</b> burly. (giggles)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well sensitive is important, pick him.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh sure, go with the sissy.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Jason is not a sissy!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Dr. Rhodes's Office, a rather large group of doctors has now gathered to take a
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look at Ross's thing. Ross is none too pleased with the developments, he has a disgusted
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look on his face.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Y'know I have dinner plans!!</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Rhodes:</b> Thank you soo much for coming on such a short notice. Ladies and
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gentlemen, I've-I've-I've been practicing medicine for twenty-three years, and I'm
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stumped. </p>
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<p>(He removes the blanket covering the thing.)</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Whoa. (they all lean in to get a closer look, Ross isn't pleased)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Pete's apartment, Monica is there to water the plants, and is showing the gang
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around.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, this is the den. All right, check this out. Lights! (the lights
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turn on automatically, but are very bright) Whoa! All right. Less lights! Bad lights!
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Lights go away! (they dim) Oh, see you just need to find the right command.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yes, and the dimmer switch.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Whoa! For a rich guy he's got, that's a pretty small TV.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No-no-no, that's a video-phone. But hey guys you're not supposed to be
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here, so please, do <b>not</b> touch anything.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (sitting down on the couch) I-kea! This is comfortable.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (entering with Phoebe) This place is amazing.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> God, that is the nicest kitchen.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I know.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No! But it's the nicest kitchen, the refrigerator told me to have a
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great day.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Look at this! A millionaire's checkbook.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Joey, put that down! (the phone rings) Oh my God! It's Pete. Okay, get
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out!! How the hell do you answer a video-phone! (steps in front of it, and automatically
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answers it)</p>
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<p><b>Pete:</b> Monica? (the gang ducks and hides)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I guess that's how.</p>
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<p><b>Pete:</b> Hey Monica, how's it going.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh it<69>s umm, good! It's umm, it<69>s good, just here watering the
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plants.</p>
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<p><b>Pete:</b> Well don't forget that fiches over there by Rachel.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (standing up) Ahh... Chandler's on the couch!!</p>
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<p><b>Pete:</b> I see him, you guys are just the worst hiders ever.</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> (standing up) Hey Pete.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hi, how ya doing?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Ahh, Pete, the other day when you said you needed to talk, umm, just so
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I know, is it good news or bad news.</p>
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<p><b>Pete:</b> Oh, it's good news. No, it's definitely good news. Hold on a second, I
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have another call. (clicks his remote) (to his other call) Hey, how's it going?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh no-no-no, it's still me.</p>
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<p><b>Pete:</b> Ah, no it's not. I've got picture-in-picture here. (to other caller) Yeah.
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(listens) Yeah, okay. I'm gonna have to call you back later. (pause) Monica? You. I'm
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gonna have to call you back.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, oh, okay umm, so I'll see you soon.</p>
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<p><b>Pete:</b> Okay, I love you.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I love you.</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> I love you, love you.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. Well, it's good news. It's good news.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> So, what do you thing the good news is?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (looking at the checkbook) Wow! Look at this! He wrote a check for 50,000
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dollars to Hugo Ligrens Ring Design. (Monica is stunned) Oh, sorry, what do you think the
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good news is?</p>
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<p>[pause]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Monica's gonna marry a millionaire!!!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey, you gotta get Mom on the phone. Call Mom! Call Mom!</p>
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<p>(Pete's computer automatically calls Mom, Pete's Mom.)</p>
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<p><b>Pete's Mom:</b> Hello.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> And that's Pete's Mom. </p>
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<p>(The gang quickly hides again.)</p>
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<p align="center"><b>Commercial Break</b></p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is returning from Pete<74>s.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Mon you definitely have to make it a theme wedding, and the theme could
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be, <20>Look how much money we<77>ve got!<21> Y'know, I mean you could put, you
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could put money in-in the invitations! You-you could have like little money place
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settings. And ah, you could start with a money salad! I mean it<69>ll be dry, but people
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<b>will</b> like it.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Would you stop? We<57>ve only been going out a couple of weeks, I mean
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we don<6F>t even know if he<68>s gonna propose.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He<48>s not like other people, on your
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first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that<61>s like a third or fourth date
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kinda thing.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well if-if that<61>s what it is, then it<69>s-it<69>s crazy.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Monica<63>s right. We<57>re talking about getting married here. Okay?
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She-she can<61>t just rush into this.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh please, what do you know! You married a lesbian!</p>
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<p>(Joey laughs, Ross glares at him, and Joey stops.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right. I gotta go. I have break up with Vince.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, so you<6F>re going with the teacher, huh?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y'know? But, it<69>s just Jason<6F>s so
|
||
sensitive, y'know? And in the long run, I think sensitive it<69>s just better than
|
||
having just like a really, really, really nice (pause) butt. (Her eyes glaze over thinking
|
||
about the butt.) (pause) Jason! Definitely Jason! Okay, wish me luck!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>All:</b> Good luck!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(pause)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> OH MY GOD!!! (She holds her hands up in triumph and the gang all look at
|
||
her.) Sorry, I was just imagining what it<69>d be like to catch the money bouquet. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: A Fire House, Phoebe has gone to break up with Vince.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Excuse me. Umm, is Vince here?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Fireman:</b> Oh sure. Vince?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Vince:</b> Yo!! (slides down that pole that fire station<6F>s have)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Wow! I didn<64>t know you guys actually used those. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Vince:</b> So, what<61>s up?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Umm, wow. This-this isn<73>t gonna be easy. Umm, I don<6F>t think we
|
||
should see each other anymore.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Vince:</b> Uh-huh. G-good deal.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I<>m sorry.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Vince:</b> No-no it<69>s okay. It<49>s just that ah, I thought we had something
|
||
pretty special here. And y'know I-I felt like you were someone I could finally open up to,
|
||
and<EFBFBD> (starts choking up) That there<72>s so much in me I have to share with you
|
||
yet.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh my God, I didn<64>t<EFBFBD></p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Vince:</b> (starting to cry) I<>m sorry, I can<61>t talk. I<>m gonna go
|
||
write in my journal. (walks away)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (running after him) Wait-wait-wait! Wait!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (to Ross) I<>m telling you, if you want to take care of that thing,
|
||
you should go to my herbal guy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Thank you, but I want to remove it Pheebs. I don<6F>t want to make it
|
||
savory.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Y'know when girls sleep with guys with weird things on their body, they
|
||
tell their friends about it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Gimme this. (Grabs the herbalist<73>s card and leaves.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (entering) Hi! Okay, don<6F>t be mad at me, but I couldn<64>t
|
||
resist.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Brides magazines?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes, and I know that you<6F>d say no if he asked you, but I<>m
|
||
sorry; how great would you look walking down the aisle in this Donna Carin. (shows her the
|
||
picture.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (gasps) Oh, you so would! Oh, you should get that anyway. (They both
|
||
look at her.) Like for clubbing. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> It is so weird, I know what I said, but uh, this morning, I was lying in
|
||
bed I was, I was imagining what it would be like to say yes. (Rachel slams the magazine
|
||
shut in amazement.) I know it<69>s a little sudden, and it<69>s a little rushed, and
|
||
it<EFBFBD>s totally not like me to do something like this, but that doesn<73>t mean I
|
||
can<EFBFBD>t. Right? I mean I<>m-I<>m crazy about Pete, and I know that we want the
|
||
same things, and when I thought about saying yes, it made me really happy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my God. (starting to cry) </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I know. (pause) I need more pie. (goes and gets some)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey Mon umm, if you do get married, can I bring two guests?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> You didn<64>t break up with that fireman?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, that was my way of telling you. Well, it turns out he<68>s
|
||
incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed me charcoal
|
||
drawings that he drew of me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, well he<68>d prefer water colors, but y'know, he has easy access
|
||
to a lot of charcoal.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> So then, are you going to dump Jason?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, yeah, because I have to break up with someone, and<6E> Okay so
|
||
Jason is sensitive, (holds up one finger) but now so<73>s Vince (holds up one finger on
|
||
her other hand) Plus, Vince has the body y'know? (holds up two more fingers on the Vince
|
||
side) So<53> It<49>s really just about the math.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Jason<6F>s apartment, Phoebe has gone to break up with Jason.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (knocks on the door) Jason?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jason:</b> Yeah, come on in.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(She goes in, and sees Jason without his shirt. It turns out that he has a great body
|
||
too, and is at a loss for words.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jason:</b> So Phoebe, you ah, sounded kinda serious on the phone, is ah, is anything
|
||
wrong?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Nah-ha!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Phoebe<62>s Herbal Guy<75>s office, Ross is there about his thing. Ross is
|
||
looking around the exam room, and he goes over to a large bank of drawers, pulls one out
|
||
and almost spills it as the herbalist, Guru Saj, enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guru Saj:</b> You must be Ross.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guru Saj:</b> I am Guru Saj. (takes the drawer back and replaces)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Listen, I got to tell you I<>ve-I<>ve never been to a guru before,
|
||
so...</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guru Saj:</b> Well, relax. If it makes you feel better, I<>ve attended some of
|
||
the finest medical schools in Central America. Well then, let<65>s take a look at this
|
||
skin abnormality of yours. (motions to the table) Come on, have a seat. (looks at it) Eeh,
|
||
huh. As I suspected, it<69>s a koondis!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What<61>s a koondis?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guru Saj:</b> I don<6F>t know, what<61>s a koondis with you? (starts laughing as
|
||
if that joke was funny, Ross only looks at him, and he stops) Please, lie down! I<>ve
|
||
got a sav that oughta shrink that right up.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I guess it<69>s worth a try.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guru Saj:</b> Oh sure, we should see results<74>Whoa!! Clearly not the way to go!!
|
||
(quickly wipes it off)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What?! What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guru Saj:</b> We appear to have angered it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> We?! We angered it?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guru Saj:</b> Oh, I think I see the problem. And I<>m afraid we<77>re gonna
|
||
have to use a much stronger tool. (Ross gives him a <20>What?<3F> look) Love.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guru Saj:</b> (He starts moving his hands around in circles above the thing.) Ross,
|
||
there is absolutely no way this is going to come off unless you start to<74></p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Ow!! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guru Saj:</b> Oops.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What was, what was that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guru Saj:</b> Well it<69>s gone.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What?! How<6F>s that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guru Saj:</b> It got caught on my watch.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey! (congratulates him)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Pete<74>s apartment, Pete and Monica are coming back from a date.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> Lights. (The lights turn on, once again they<65>re too bright.) Uh,
|
||
romantic lights. (The lights dim.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Ooh, nice.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> So ah, there was this thing I wanted to talk to you about.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, right! I completely forgot about that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> Well ah, I<>ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I look at my
|
||
life<EFBFBD></p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> And I feel like I<>ve conquered the business world, and I feel like
|
||
I<EFBFBD>ve conquered the intellectual world, and now I-I have the most beautiful woman in
|
||
the world.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Wow.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> There<72>s one thing missing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What<61>s that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> It<49>s time for me to conquer the physical world.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. (not sure of herself)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> Monica, I want to become (pause) the Ultimate Fighting Champion.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You wanna what?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion! It<49>s the most
|
||
intense physical competition in the world, it<69>s banned in 49 states!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What are you talking about?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> Okay, my trainer, Ho Chi, is teaching me a combination of Gee Koon Doe and
|
||
Brazilian street fighting, I<>ve even had my own octagon training ring designed.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> And I suppose you used a ring designer for that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> Yeah. Monica, I want you there in the front row when I win. I want you
|
||
close enough to smell the blood. What do you think?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> My parents will be so happy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe<62>s singing, Vince is also there.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (singing) <20>Crazy underwear, creepin<69> up my butt. (Jason
|
||
enters) Crazy underwear, always in a rut. Crazy under-(sees Jason)-wear<61><72> (In
|
||
her head) <i>Oh No! What is he doing here? All right, just keep playing, just keep
|
||
playing. You<6F>ll get through this; you<6F>ll be fine.</i> (She tries to continue the
|
||
song, but she has lost the ability to pronounce words, and the lyrics come out as
|
||
gibberish.) (giving up on the song) Okay, thank you. And, as always no one talk to me
|
||
after the show.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They all applaud her.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jason:</b> (going up to her) Hey. I was<61></p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jason:</b> I was passin<69> by and I saw that you were playing tonight, it<69>s
|
||
kinda cool seeing you up there. (kisses her)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Vince:</b> (running over) Whoa! Hey-hey! What<61>s going on here? Who is this guy?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I don<6F>t know, he just started kissing me. Get him! Get him, Vince!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Vince:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jason:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, okay, I<>ve-I<>ve been dating both of you, and it<69>s
|
||
been really horrible. <20>Cause y'know it<69>s been a lot of fun, for me. Umm, but I-I
|
||
like you both, and I, and I didn<64>t know how to chose, so... I<>m sorry, I<>m
|
||
just, I<>m terrible, I<>m a terrible person. I<>m terrible.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Vince:</b> Phoebe, Phoebe relax, it<69>s okay. I mean we never said this was
|
||
exclusive.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jason:</b> Yeah, and neither did we. Give yourself a break.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Really?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jason:</b> Yeah. I mean y'know, we haven<65>t been going out <b>that</b> long.
|
||
Come on, we haven<65>t even slept together yet. Huh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Vince:</b> You haven<65>t?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jason:</b> You have?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, this is none of my business. (starts to walk away)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jason:</b> (to Phoebe) I-I can<61>t believe this! You-you<6F>ve slept with him?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, I made you a candle light dinner in the park.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jason:</b> Y'know Phoebe, I<>m gonna make this real easy for you. (walks out)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (to Vince) Well, that could<6C>ve been really awkward.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Vince:</b> You made him a candle light dinner in the park?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, but I-I-I-I can do that for you, I<>m gonna do that for you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Vince:</b> Uh yeah, I can<61>t believe I ever went out with somebody who would
|
||
actually have an open flame in the middle of a wooden area. (walks out)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><b>Closing Credits</b></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Guru Saj<61>s office: Joey and Chandler have taken the duck to see the guru.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (comforting the duck) Everything<6E>s gonna be all right. Okay,
|
||
Dick?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guru Saj:</b> (entering) Hello, I am Guru Saj-(sees the duck)-Whoa!! (to Joey)
|
||
That<EFBFBD>s supposed to be a duck right? <20>Cause otherwise, this is waaay out of my
|
||
league.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, yeah. He<48>s got a, he<68>s got a really bad cough, and our
|
||
vet, he can<61>t do anything about it. Is there something you can do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guru Saj:</b> Hmm, let me see. Let me see. Do you think you could get him to eat a
|
||
bat?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The duck starts to frantically flap his wings, while Joey is holding him, in an
|
||
attempt to get away.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><b>End</b></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |