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<!-- saved from url=(0054)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season2/208list.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<title>The One With the Last</title>
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<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
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<body bgcolor="white" text="black" link="green" vlink="black" alink="yellow" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One With the List</h1>
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<hr align="center">
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<font size="3"><i>
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</i></font><p><font size="3"><i>Originally written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane<br>
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Trascribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips <a href="mailto:mmatting@indiana.edu">[mmatting@indiana.edu]</a><br>
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Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.<br>
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</i></font></p>
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<hr>
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<font size="3">
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there, discussing
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the night before.]</p>
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<p>RACH: Ross kissed me.</p>
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<p>MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!</p>
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<p>RACH: It was unbelievable!</p>
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<p>MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!</p>
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<p>PHOE: Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the
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phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?</p>
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<p>RACH: Oh, it ended very well.</p>
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<p>PHOE: Oh.</p>
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<p>MNCA: [getting the wine] Do not start without me. Do not start without me.</p>
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<p>PHOE: Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush
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against your lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of
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thing?</p>
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<p>RACH: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh, god, and then we
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just sort of sunk into it.</p>
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<p>PHOE: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand like on your back?</p>
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<p>RACH: No, actually first they started on my waist. And then, they slid up, and then,
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they were in my hair.</p>
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<p>PHOE/MNCA: Ohhhh.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Ross' apartment. Ross, Chandler, and Joey are there eating pizza.]</p>
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<p>ROSS: And, uh, and then I kissed her.</p>
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<p>JOEY: Tongue?</p>
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<p>ROSS: Yeah.</p>
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<p>JOEY: Cool.</p>
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<h3 align="center">Opening Credits</h3>
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<p>[Scene: <i>Central Perk</i>. Joey, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there; Chandler is
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showing everyone his new computer.]</p>
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<p>CHAN: All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive.
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Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s.</p>
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<p>PHOE: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?</p>
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<p>CHAN: [doggedly] Games and stuff.</p>
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<p>MNCA: [reading the paper] There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.</p>
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<p>JOEY: [reading over her shoulder] Wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook
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naked?</p>
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<p>MNCA: There's an ad for a naked chef?</p>
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<p>JOEY: No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance
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naked. And then... [rubs his fingers together]</p>
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<p>[Ross enters, distraught.]</p>
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<p>ROSS: Hi.</p>
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<p>PHOE: Hey, oh, so, um...how'd you make out last night?</p>
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<p>ROSS: That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that's just
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painful</p>
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<p>MNCA: Wait a minute. I thought last night was great.</p>
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<p>ROSS: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night
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table. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am,
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I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who cares about me,
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and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away?</p>
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<p>JOEY: You got all that from saline solution?</p>
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<p>MNCA: We are talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel.</p>
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<p>ROSS: Believe me, I've been dreaming about me and Rachel for ten years now. But now,
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I'm with Julie, so it's like me and Julie, me and Rachel, me and Julie, me and... [Rachel
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enters, carrying a tray]... Rachel. Rachel, Rachel.</p>
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<p>RACH: [to Ross] Hey, you.</p>
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<p>ROSS: How are you?</p>
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<p>RACH: Good. How are you?</p>
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<p>ROSS: Good.</p>
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<p>[Julie enters.]</p>
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<p>JULIE: Hi, honey.</p>
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<p>ROSS: Hi, Julie. [nervous] Hi, Julie. Julie, um, how are you?</p>
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<p>JULIE: Good.</p>
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<p>ROSS: [uncomfortable] Good, so everybody's here. Everybody's good. So, were you gonna
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play something, Phoebe?</p>
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<p>PHOE: Oh, well, actually.</p>
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<p>ROSS: [impatient] Play it.</p>
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<p>PHOE: Ok, all right.</p>
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<p>JOEY: Hey, Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses.</p>
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<p>JULIE: What?</p>
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<p>ROSS: [to Joey] Ssshh.</p>
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<p>PHOE: Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a song about a love triangle between
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three people that I made up. Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last
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Night". </p>
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<p>[Ross and Rachel look at each other and then at Phoebe, realizing the song is about
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their situation.]</p>
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<p>PHOE: [singing] There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil.
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Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must
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decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves
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truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call Ju...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide,
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even though I made him up, he must decide!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's (RTST) office. Monica is there about a job.]</p>
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<p>RTST: This is a nice resume. Nice, nice, nice. <i>Muy impressivo.</i></p>
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<p>MNCA: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail? The ad wasn't too clear.</p>
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<p>RTST: Mockolate.</p>
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<p>MNCA: I'm sorry?</p>
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<p>RTST: Mockolate. It's a completely synthetic chocolate substitute.</p>
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<p>MNCA: Ohh.</p>
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<p>[He pulls out a piece of Mockolate.]</p>
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<p>RTST: Go ahead. Try a piece. Yeah, we think that Mockolate is even better than
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chocolate.</p>
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<p>MNCA: All right. Mmm-mmm.</p>
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<p>[She tastes it, and obviously hates it.]</p>
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<p>RTST: Yeah?</p>
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<p>MNCA: [disgusted, trying not to show it] I love how it crumbles. Now see, your
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chocolate doesn't do that.</p>
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<p>RTST: No, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, we should be getting our F.D.A. approval any day now,
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hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. See, the way we look at it, chocolate already
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dominates most of your major food-preparation holidays: Easter, Christmas, what have you.</p>
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<p>MNCA: [still chewing] Mmm-mmm.</p>
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<p>RTST: But, we're thinking, given the right marketing, we can make Thanksgiving the
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Mockolate holiday.</p>
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<p>MNCA: Wow.</p>
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<p>RTST: Aren't you going to swallow that?</p>
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<p>MNCA: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.</p>
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<p>RTST: Yeah, isn't that great?</p>
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<p>MNCA: [with false enthusiasm] Mmm.</p>
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<p>RTST: Well, anyhoo, um, we are looking for a couple of chefs who can create some
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Thanksgiving-themed recipes. You think you might be interested?</p>
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<p>MNCA: Abso...[swallows hard]...lutely. See, I love creating new recipes. I love
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Thanksgiving. And, well, now, I love Mockolate.</p>
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<p>RTST: Really?</p>
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<p>MNCA: Especially the after taste, you know, I'll tell ya, that'll last ya till
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Christmas.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are there. Monica is
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suggesting Mockolate recipes to Phoebe.]</p>
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<p>MNCA: How about Mockolate mousse?</p>
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<p>PHOE: It's not, it's not very Thanksgiving-y.</p>
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<p>MNCA: Ok, how about pilgrim Mockolate mousse?</p>
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<p>PHOE: What makes it pilgrim?</p>
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<p>MNCA: We'll put buckles on it.</p>
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<p>[Rachel enters.]</p>
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<p>RACH: Hey.</p>
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<p>PHOE: Hey.</p>
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<p>MNCA: Hey.</p>
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<p>RACH: Did uh, Ross call?</p>
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<p>MNCA: No, I'm sorry.</p>
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<p>RACH: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with
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her and she's going to be all, "Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get
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married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together."</p>
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<p>PHOE: No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is up in arms about the Rachel/Julie
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situation.]</p>
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<p>ROSS: I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a
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complete nightmare.</p>
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<p>CHAN: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both
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gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too
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tight.</p>
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<p>JOEY: Hey, here's a thought, Ross. [reaches for the computer]</p>
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<p>CHAN: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer.</p>
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<p>JOEY: Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome.</p>
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<p>[Ross gives him an insulted look.]</p>
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<p>CHAN: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel
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and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I
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can use different colors for each column.</p>
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<p>ROSS: Can't we just use a pen?</p>
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<p>CHAN: No, Amish boy.</p>
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<p>JOEY: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right, Rachel first.</p>
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<p>ROSS: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled
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sometimes.</p>
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<p>JOEY: You could say that.</p>
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<p>ROSS: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen
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her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause
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we're both paleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress.</p>
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<p>CHAN: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What
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else?</p>
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<p>ROSS: I don't know.</p>
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<p>JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.</p>
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<p>CHAN: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?</p>
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<p>ROSS: [long pause] She's not Rachel.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica has made food for Phoebe and Rachel to
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taste.]</p>
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<p>MNCA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate
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cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served.</p>
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<p>[Rachel takes a bite.]</p>
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<p>RACH: Oh my god.</p>
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<p>MNCA: Oh my god good?</p>
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<p>RACH: Oh my god, I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.</p>
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<p>[Rachel runs to the sink to spit it out.]</p>
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<p>PHOE: Oh, oh sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is on the phone with a computer
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hotline.]</p>
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<p>CHAN: I'm telling you this thing won't print. Yes, I pressed that button like 100
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times. You know, for a hot line you are not so hot. What? What is that in the background?
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Are you watching Star Trek?</p>
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<p>[Ross enters with a melancholy look.]</p>
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<p>JOEY: [to Ross] Hey, so how'd it go with Julie? Did you, did you break her heart?</p>
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<p>ROSS: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She threw things, they hit me. Anyway,
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I did the right thing.</p>
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<p>CHAN: [in phone] So, Spock actually hugs his father?</p>
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<p>[Rachel enters.]</p>
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<p>RACH: Hey, do you guys have...[sees Ross, pauses]...hi.</p>
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<p>ROSS: Hi.</p>
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<p>RACH: [sees his coat on] Where you goin'?</p>
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<p>ROSS: I uh, I just got back from uh, from Julie's.</p>
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<p>RACH: [dejected] Oh.</p>
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<p>ROSS: No, no, uh, it's not what you think. It's um the other thing.</p>
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<p>RACH: Well, what's the other thing, what do I think?</p>
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<p>[Joey is looking at Rachel, smiling, and gesturing his head towards Ross.]</p>
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<p>ROSS: Well, uh.</p>
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<p>JOEY: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god's sakes.</p>
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<p>RACH: Really?</p>
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<p>ROSS: Really. It's always been you, Rach.</p>
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<p>[Ross and Rachel hug.]</p>
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<p>RACH: Oh, god.</p>
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<p>JOEY/CHAN: Ohhh.</p>
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<p>RACH: Oh, oh, this is good, this is really good.</p>
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<p>ROSS: I know, I know, it's, it's almost...[turns around, sees Chandler and Joey] What
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do you say we go take a walk, just us, not them?</p>
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<p>RACH: Let me get my coat.</p>
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<p>ROSS: Ok. No, hey, whoa, whoa, I'll get your coat.</p>
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<p>[Ross leaves.]</p>
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<p>RACH: Ok, he's goin' to get my coat. He's goin' to get my coat. Oh my god, you guys. I
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can't believe this. This is unbelievable. [notices Chandler's computer screen] What's
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that?</p>
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<p>CHAN: [nervous] What? Nothing.</p>
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<p>[Chandler closes up the laptop computer screen.]</p>
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<p>RACH: What's that? What? I saw my name. What is it?</p>
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<p>CHAN: No, no, see? See? [the printer starts to run] Hey, it's printing. [to Joey,
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rattled] Hey, it's printing!</p>
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<p>[Chandler rips off the sheet of paper from the printer.]</p>
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<p>RACH: Well what is it? Let me see.</p>
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<p>[Ross walks back in, Rachel's coat in hand.]</p>
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<p>ROSS: Hey, someone order a coat?</p>
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<p>RACH: Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see.</p>
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<p>ROSS: He won't? [remembers what it is] He won't! Because, isn't that, isn't that the,
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the short story you were writing?</p>
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<p>CHAN: Yes, yes it is, short story, that I was writing.</p>
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<p>RACH: And I'm in it? Then let me read it.</p>
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<p>CHAN, JOEY, ROSS: No!</p>
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<p>RACH: Come on.</p>
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<p>JOEY: Hey, uh, why don't you read it to her?</p>
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<p>[Ross and Chandler stare angrily at Joey, who thinks he has come up with a good idea.]</p>
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<p>CHAN: [through gritted teeth] Alright. [clears his throat] "It was summer, and it
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was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the
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kingdom was his forever. The end."</p>
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<p>ROSS: That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world.</p>
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<p>RACH: All right, you know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me on
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that piece of paper and I want to see it.</p>
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<p>ROSS: No, you don't.</p>
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<p>RACH: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be children about
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this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. [Rachel grabs the paper and runs across the
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room, reading it to herself.]</p>
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<p>RACH: What is this? Ross, what is this?</p>
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<p>CHAN: Good luck.</p>
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<p>[Chandler and Joey leave quickly.]</p>
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<p>ROSS: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok?</p>
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<p>RACH: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled?</p>
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<p>ROSS: Now that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little", the
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idiot.</p>
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<p>RACH: Just a waitress?</p>
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<p>ROSS: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rach?</p>
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<p>RACH: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles!</p>
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<p>[Rachel leaves, and Ross follows her into the hall.]</p>
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<p>ROSS: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column.</p>
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<p>RACH: She is not <i>Rachem</i>. What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid
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paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress.</p>
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<p>[She goes into her apartment and slams the door.]</p>
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<p>ROSS: No, Rach, come on. Rach! Rach, no, no! She's not Rachel, she is, she is not,
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Ra--Rachel?</p>
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<p>[Scene: <i>Central Perk</i>. Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are there.]</p>
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<p>CHAN: My diary! My diary, that's brilliant. I should have told her it was my diary, she
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never would have made me read her my diary.</p>
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<p>MNCA: You know, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around the day after an
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emergency.</p>
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<p>PHOE: I... I cannot believe Ross even made this list. What a dinkus.</p>
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<p>JOEY: Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea.</p>
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<p>PHOE: What?</p>
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<p>MNCA: What?</p>
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<p>CHAN: Oh good, I was hoping that would come up.</p>
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<p>MNCA: This was your idea?</p>
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<p>PHOE: What were you thinking?</p>
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<p>CHAN: [squirming] All right, let's get some perspective here, ok? These things, they
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happen for a reason.</p>
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<p>MNCA: Yeah. You!</p>
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<p>CHAN: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don't
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you?</p>
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<p>PHOE: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, eating candy. It
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is raining out. Ross climbs up the fire escape and is knocking on the window.]</p>
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<p>ROSS: Rach! Whoops! Rach, hey, open up, please!</p>
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<p>RACH: [coldly] When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means go away. That
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doesn't mean please climb up the fire escape.</p>
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<p>ROSS: I just wanna read something. It's your pro list.</p>
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<p>RACH: Not interested.</p>
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<p>[Rachel closes the drapes over the window, goes into her bedroom and closes the door.]</p>
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<p>ROSS: [reading his list] Ok, ok, number one: The way you cry at game shows. Number two:
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how much you love your friends. Number three: the way you play with your hair when you're
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nervous. Number four: how brave you are for starting your life over. Number five: how
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great you are with Ben. </p>
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<p>[Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter, confused.]</p>
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<p>ROSS: Number six: the way you smell.</p>
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<p>JOEY: [opens the drapes] Hey, Ross! What are you doin'?</p>
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<p>ROSS: Hey, Joey. You wanna open the window?</p>
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<p>JOEY: Oh, yeah, I do.</p>
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<p>[He opens the window, Ross comes in, soaked.]</p>
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<p>CHAN: What are you doing out there?</p>
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<p>ROSS: I am, uh, I am...</p>
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<p>MNCA: Oh, you must be freezing. You know what you need? How about a nice steaming cup
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of hot Mockolate?</p>
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<p>[Ross runs to Rachel's bedroom, knocking on the door.]</p>
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<p>ROSS: Rach, come on, open up. Rach, come on, come on, Rach. You got to give me another
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chance.</p>
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<p>[Rachel opens the door.]</p>
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<p>RACH: No.</p>
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<p>ROSS: No?</p>
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<p>RACH: That's what I said.</p>
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<p>CHAN: Look, maybe we should go?</p>
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<p>RACH: No, you guys, you really don't have to go, we're done talking.</p>
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<p>ROSS: Rach, come on, look, I know how you must feel.</p>
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<p>RACH: [near tears] No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about
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yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world
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not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.</p>
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<p>ROSS: No, but, but I wanna be with you in <b>spite</b> of all those things.</p>
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<p>RACH: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. [to the others] I said don't
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go!</p>
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<p>ROSS: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there's
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nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you.</p>
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<p>RACH: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list.</p>
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<p>[She closes the door in his face. Ross walks sullenly back to the couch and sits down.
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A moment of silence ensues.]</p>
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<p>JOEY: [quietly] I never know how long you're supposed to wait in this type of a
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situation before you can talk again, you know? [Ross stares blankly at him] Maybe a little
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longer.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.]</p>
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<p>MNCA: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh,
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like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and
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four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate.</p>
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<p>RTST: Doesn't matter.</p>
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<p>MNCA: What?</p>
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<p>RTST: Our FDA approval didn't come through. Something about laboratory rats.</p>
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<p>MNCA: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.</p>
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<p>RTST: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. [hands it to her] Thank you for all the
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trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking,
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did you?</p>
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<p>MNCA: Well, uh, I ate some.</p>
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<p>RTST: Oh, some, that's fine. Some is fine. Some is not a lot. So, it doesn't burn when
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|
you pee, does it?</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are there.]</p>
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<p>(phone rings)</p>
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<p>MNCA: Hello?</p>
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<p>[Ross is at his apartment.]</p>
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<p>ROSS: Hi.</p>
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<p>RACH: [to Monica] Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are
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weighin' me down.</p>
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<p>MNCA: [to Ross] Listen, I... I don't think this is the best time.</p>
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<p>ROSS: Look, can, can you do something for me?</p>
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<p>MNCA: Sure, what? Ok, ok. [hangs up the phone] [to Rachel] Music?</p>
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<p>[Monica turns on the radio.]</p>
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<p>RADIO: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he's
|
|
deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him. (<i>With
|
|
or Without You </i>plays) </p>
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<p>[Rachel seems touched. She pauses for a moment, then picks up the phone and starts to
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dial. Cut to Ross at his apartment.]</p>
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<p>RADIO: Uh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel, and she told us what Ross did. It's
|
|
pretty appalling, and Ross, if you're listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why
|
|
don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit
|
|
you with her car and she hopes you two will work it out.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.]</p>
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<p>RTST: Hi, thanks for coming in again.</p>
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|
<p>MNCA: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash.</p>
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<p>RTST: It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. Anyway, they're called
|
|
"fishtachios". They taste exactly like pistachios, but they're made primarily of
|
|
reconstituted fish bits. Here, try one. You're not allergic to anything, are you?</p>
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|
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|
<p>MNCA: Cat hair.</p>
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<p>RTST: Oh, sorry.</p>
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|
<font size="4"><b>
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</b></font></font><p align="center"><font size="3"><font size="4"><b>END</b></font> </font></p>
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<hr>
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