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<!-- saved from url=(0053)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season6/622pdm.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<title>The One Where Paul’s The Man</title>
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<meta name="GENERATOR" content="Microsoft FrontPage 3.0">
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<meta name="Template" content="C:\Program Files\Microsoft Office\Templates\FRIENDS.dot">
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<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
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<body bgcolor="#FFFFFF" link="#008000" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One Where Paul’s The Man</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer<br>
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Story by: Brian Caldirola<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there as Phoebe enters.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (dejected) Hi, you guys.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What’s the matter?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well it’s just—it’s one of those situations that I just
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hate. Y’know? A massage client gave me three tickets to the Helmet-Pelts exhibit at
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the Morgan Chase museum.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (nodding knowingly) Now you’re thinking you gotta sleep with him.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No! No! It’s just that he gave me three tickets and there are six
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of us!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’ll give up my ticket.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Me too.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay that’s so generous!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> And I think Ross is generous too.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Great! Okay then it’s just us girls!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica and <b>Rachel:</b> </b>(less than enthused) Great.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> So what-what is the exhibit.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> It’s mostly just photographs of lesbian love scenes interspersed
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with video games and free sandwiches.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh man! (Hits Chandler)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (entering) Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey Ross listen Chandler got you out of going to the lesbian sandwich
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museum this weekend!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Thanks? But I have plans; Elizabeth and I are going out of town.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh that’s great!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I mean think about all the money that you’re gonna make!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Why? What?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, her father pays you for baby-sitting right?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No, no, that’s funny. But maybe it’s time to move on, let it go,
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y’know? Stop it! Besides, Rachel is going out with Elizabeth’s father, so ah,
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he’s much older than she is. Looks like I’m not the only one interested in
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fossils, huh?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I mean Ross all that does is remind us that you are interested in
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fossils.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, okay. Uh, well uh, Rachel is going to need to yell sweet nothings
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(Paul enters) in <b>his</b> ear. </p>
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<p>(And walks up right behind Ross, and standard sitcom joke 2B follows with the person
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being insulted standing right behind the person doing the insulting while the rest of the
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people become frightened and try to warn the insulter about the insultee’s presence.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ross.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, come on you guys; that’s funny! Y’know? Because he’s
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need—he’s got like a hearing aide y’know, ‘cause-‘cause
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y’know, ‘cause he’s all old, and… </p>
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<p>(Paul reveals his presence by laughing, thus concluding standard sitcom joke 2B. Paul
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then pulls Ross aside to have a little chat with him and tells the rest of the group that
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he’ll just be one second.)</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Okay look, Ross, just so you know that since Lizzie likes you so much,
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I’ve decided to accept the fact that you’re going out with her.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Really? That okay, that’s great.</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Yeah. But then I changed my mind. I’m funny like that. So I told
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Lizzie, now I’m telling you, I don’t want you seeing my daughter anymore.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> All right look, I-I realize it upsets you.</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Yes it does.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> But, Elizabeth and I are-are both adults and so I don’t think
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there’s really anything you can do about it.</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> I’ll call the university and tell them about your relationship and
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have you fired.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ohh! A man with a plan!</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: A Dry Cleaners, Joey is there with Phoebe and is trying to get his picture put
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back amongst the other celebrities hanging on the walls.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, this is so exciting! You get your picture back up on the wall of
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fame! Eek!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I know. It was so cool when I was up there before. Me and Jim Belushi
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would just be crackin’ up about something… Then I get fired off of <i>Days Of
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Our Lives</i> and he takes me down. Now he’s just laughing at me. Look at him, that
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smug Belushi bastard, I’ll…</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (gasps) Ohh, okay maybe they put your picture back up they can put you
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next to Matt Lauer. Look at him, smiling at me. (Giggles) Yeah I know; we’d be great
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together!</p>
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<p>(The dry cleaner finishes with the customer in front of Joey and they approach the
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counter.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey! So I’m back.</p>
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<p><b>The Dry Cleaner:</b> Who are you?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Joey Tribbiani! From the wall! (The dry cleaner doesn’t remember)
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Okay, maybe this will jog your memory, huh? (Holds his picture up in front of his face.)
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Huh? Okay eh-ah-anyway, I’m ready to go back up on the wall I’m the star of a
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new TV show.</p>
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<p><b>The Dry Cleaner:</b> (picking up a <i>TV Guide</i>) Show me in the table.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh well, it’s not on TV yet.</p>
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<p><b>The Dry Cleaner:</b> Well, then it’s not on the wall yet.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay, fine, I will bring you a tape, huh? (Walks away)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> So umm, now do you have any of Matt Lauer’s clothes here? Maybe?
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Just ones that haven’t been cleaned yet? </p>
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<p>(The dry cleaner just stares at her and she retreats.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Morgan Chase Museum, the girls are entering.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, I love museums!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Umm.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Soakin’ up all the culture.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Where do you want to start?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ooh, the gift shop!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey, and then lunch.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, wait yes, but I can’t eat too much. Paul is taking me out to
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dinner tonight, he said he has a big surprise planned.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh wow. What, do you think maybe he’s gonna tell you that he’s
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gay?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?! No! Why?!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No reason! That would just be a really big surprise, right?</p>
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<p>(A museum official enters with another man and woman.)</p>
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<p><b>The Museum Official:</b> (to the couple) You can put the aisle over here (points),
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and put the wedding ceremony right over here. (Points.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I didn’t know you could get married here.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> This would be a beautiful place to get married, yeah, but I
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wouldn’t put the aisle there and I would <b>never</b> have the ceremony there!
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(Points to both places.) I mean you’d have the ceremony under this big beautiful
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arch. (The arch at the entrance to the room.) </p>
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<p><b>The Museum Official:</b> (To Monica) May I help you?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh sorry didn’t mean to interrupt. It’s just such a beautiful
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space; do you do a lot of weddings here?</p>
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<p><b>The Museum Official:</b> Yes. We’re very popular. There’s a two-year
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waiting list. Sorry! (She kinda storms out with the couple.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Monica, you should totally put your name down on the list</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What?! Are you crazy?! I’m not getting married! I’m not even
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engaged.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, but there’s a two-year wait. And then what if you get engaged
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in two years and then you got to wait <b>another</b> two years for this place. That’s
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four years. Chandler’s not gonna wait that long. He’s gonna find somebody else,
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y’know? Someone, someone who <b>did</b> put their name on the list. (Rachel agrees.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah hon, it can’t hurt to put your name down! I mean in if two
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years if you’re not engaged you just don’t use it.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, I mean I guess there is no harm in putting my name down.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’m gonna do it too!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Me too!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Really? Who would, who would you marry?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I don’t know, I don’t have anyone right now. Y’know?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh Pheebs.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Don’t feel too sorry for me. At least my boyfriend isn’t gay.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe, that stuff is…</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Don’t even get me started on yours!</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Dry Cleaners, Joey is trying to get his picture up again.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey! So, did you watch the tape of my show?</p>
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<p><b>The Dry Cleaner:</b> I did.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right, let’s get me back up there! (Holds out his picture.)</p>
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<p><b>The Dry Cleaner:</b> No! It don’t go up on the wall!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> What—But you saw the show!</p>
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<p><b>The Dry Cleaner:</b> Yes, it was very offensive to my people!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Dry cleaners?</p>
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<p><b>The Dry Cleaner:</b> Russians! It showed them as terrorists and villains!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay! Okay, look! You-you-you got Harrison Ford up there!</p>
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<p><b>The Dry Cleaner:</b> That’s right. Mr. Ford is a very good customer, he brings
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us a lot of clothes; you bring us nothing!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay well that may be true. But, in-in okay, <i>Air Force One</i> the
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Russians were terrorists! And evil! And plus he kills a bunch of them!
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That-that-that’s offensive to Russians.</p>
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<p><b>The Dry Cleaner:</b> I’ve never seen it!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh you should, it’s great.</p>
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<p>(The Dry Cleaner stares at him and Joey retreats.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: A Cabin in the Woods, Elizabeth is giving Ross a tour.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> This place is really beautiful!</p>
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<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Yeah, I’ve been coming here since I was a kid. This used to be
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my Grandma’s.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Wow! The only thing I got from my Grandmother was her eyes. I mean not-not
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her actual eyeballs, but, but people say that my eyes—Do-do you want to make out?</p>
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<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Sure!</p>
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<p>(They fall to the couch and start to make out, but Ross stops suddenly.)</p>
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<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Are you okay? What’s wrong?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ehh, I was just, I was just thinking about your father.</p>
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<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Well, whatever works for ya…</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No. No-no uh, he just, he just really freaked me out before.</p>
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<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Oh. Well, so we have to hide our relationship from one more person.
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Big deal. Besides, it’s kinda fun hiding.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p>(They start making out again.)</p>
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<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> (quietly) Hey umm, you brought protection right?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (loudly) Why?! Are there like bears or something?! (Looks around and then
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sees that Elizabeth is shaking her head no and realizes what Elizabeth meant.) Ohh. Oh,
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protection. Yeah-no, yeah-no, that-that-that I forgot.</p>
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<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> I’ll just run to the store and get some.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh no! Hey-hey, I’m the guy! I’ll get it.</p>
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<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Do you know where the store is?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No.</p>
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<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Do you want to ride around town on my little pink bicycle? </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> A little bit.</p>
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<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> (laughs) I’ll be back in ten minutes.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Why don’t you get in the hot tub and I’ll meet you there.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ohh, okay.</p>
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<p>(Elizabeth leaves and Ross starts to remove his clothing right there in the middle of
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the living room where someone can see him. Of course, someone almost does, but he hears a
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door opening and…)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (from another room) Oh my God, what a great surprise! This is such a
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beautiful house.</p>
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<p>(Ross with his pants around his ankles tries to run, but Dr. Geller forgets that he has
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his pants around his ankles and falls down trying to flee.)</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> (To Rachel) Thank you, it’s my mom’s. So this is the kitchen.</p>
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<p>(Dr. Geller, the man with the Ph.D. in Paleontology, is trying to find a place to hide,
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but this supposedly intelligent man in the hands of clichéd scriptwriters runs around
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with his pants down around his ankles like one of the <i>Three Stooges</i>.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is reading the newspaper as the phone
|
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rings. He let’s the machine answer it.]</p>
|
||
|
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (on machine) You’ve reached Monica and Chandler’s, if
|
||
you’re listening to this message, we’re probably screening. (to himself) Yeah we
|
||
are.</p>
|
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|
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<p><b>The Museum Official:</b> (on phone) Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum.
|
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I’m calling for Monica Geller. I want to let her know that there was a cancellation
|
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and if she’s still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it
|
||
is available… (Chandler runs to answer the phone.)</p>
|
||
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (on phone) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (Listens)
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Yes, the groom—No! Not the groom!!</p>
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||
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<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Paul’s Cabin, Paul and Rachel are sitting on the couch drinking wine and
|
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talking.]</p>
|
||
|
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> It’s so secluded up here.</p>
|
||
|
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<p><b>Paul:</b> I know. I like it up here.</p>
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||
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I feel like we’re the only two people in the world. (She sets down
|
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her wine class, picks up a walnut, and knocks another one on the floor.) Oops. Sorry. (She
|
||
reaches down to pick it up and Ross hands it to her. Ross is hiding under the couch and
|
||
causes Rachel to scream.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> What’s the matter honey? Did you see a little mouse?</p>
|
||
|
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No-no! Big bear! Big bear outside! I think I-I—would
|
||
you—actually, would you go check on that?</p>
|
||
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Honey, we don’t have any bears here.</p>
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||
|
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, okay. Would-would you get me a <i>Diet Coke</i>?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Okay. I’ll be right back. (Gets up and heads for the kitchen.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. (After Paul leaves Rachel drops to the floor to confront Ross.)
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||
What?! What are you doing here?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What are <b>you</b> doing here?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I came with Paul!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, I recognize the ankles!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Get up!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> (entering) Here you go honey! (Rachel kicks Ross back under the couch.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ahh. Thank you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> <i>Diet Coke</i>. (Hands her the glass.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Op, ice. I need ice.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Thank you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> I’ll be right back. (He goes to get the ice.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (under the couch) You and your ice.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ugh! Get out! Get out! Go! Come on! (Ross gets up and heads for the
|
||
kitchen.) No! Not in there! He’s in there! (She points Ross to the door next to the
|
||
kitchen.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (before entering) Did you really hear a bear?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Go-go!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> (entering) Here you go honey. One <i>Diet Coke</i> with ice.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh, thank you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> I’m so happy that you’re here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> (entering) Here I am!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> (jumping up) Elizabeth! Oh look, Elizabeth’s here! Who are you
|
||
talking to?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Uh, you guys?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> How did you know we were here?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Umm…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, she-she ob-obviously saw the tire tracks that were leading up to
|
||
the closed garage.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Obviously.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Elizabeth, what are you doing here?! (Motions that he brought Rachel here
|
||
to be alone with her.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Did-did you come up here to work on that term paper or something?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Yeah! Yep.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, why do y’know go in that room (points to the room Ross is in)
|
||
and do your homework?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Ohh, I wouldn’t do it in there. That’s my dad’s
|
||
bedroom.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> That’s your, that’s your dad’s bedroom. (Yelling)
|
||
That’s your dad’s bedroom!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Why are you yelling?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Whoa, that <i>Diet Coke</i> just went straight to my head! Woo!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table
|
||
staring at the phone as Monica enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hi, honey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (gets up) See you later. (Starts to leave.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What? I-I bought groceries, I was gonna make you dinner!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (angrily) Well next time ask! Or at least wait for me to ask! (He
|
||
storms out.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Monica puts the groceries down and goes to check the answering machine and hears.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Museum Official:</b> (on machine) Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase
|
||
museum. I’m calling for Monica Geller. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh no!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Museum Official:</b> (on machine) I want to let her know that there was a
|
||
cancellation and if she’s still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our
|
||
facility, it is available…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh please, he didn’t hear it! He didn’t hear it!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (on machine) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (The
|
||
machine beeps off.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> <b>NOOOO!!!!!!!!</b></p><b>
|
||
</b>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Dry Cleaner’s, Joey has brought in a bunch of laundry in another
|
||
attempt to get his picture on the wall, but the dry cleaner isn’t working right now.
|
||
Instead, a beautiful woman is working.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Female Clerk:</b> Can I help you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh yeah, where-where’s the guy who decides who’s pictures go up
|
||
on the wall?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Female Clerk:</b> He’s not here right now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, you’re kidding me! All-all right, well make sure you tell him
|
||
that Joey Tribbiani stopped by to drop off all of these clothes. Okay? I’m an actor;
|
||
I’m kinda getting my picture up there on the wall.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Female Clerk:</b> Y’know, there are two people who could put your picture up
|
||
there. (She makes eyes at him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh really? Well, maybe you and I go out for drinks? (Pause) You’re
|
||
the other one right? (She thinks about it for a second and nods yes.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Paul’s Cabin, continued from earlier.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> So Lizzie, are-are-are you planning on staying the night?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Oh no-no believe me, I’m leaving as soon as possible!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Good. Good. Not that we don’t want you to stay, obviously you’re
|
||
welcome—How much more homework do you have?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Ahh, I just have one problem left that I do <b>not</b> know how to
|
||
solve. Uhh, Rachel maybe you want to come upstairs and help me figure it out?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Really? Okay. Okay, I-I’ll go upstairs. (to Paul) If-if you get me
|
||
something from the car.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> What do you need from the car?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Surprise me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> (whispering) Okay. (Starts for the car.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (yelling) So you’re gonna be in the car, I will be upstairs, and
|
||
that’s where everybody’s gonna be!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Rachel and Elizabeth go upstairs. Paul starts for the car, but notices his luggage is
|
||
still out and decides to take in into the bedroom.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to his bedroom, Ross is listening at the door as Paul opens the door, trapping
|
||
Ross behind it. With Paul’s back turned Ross coils up like a snake and slitters
|
||
underneath the bed.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> (standing in front of a mirror and to himself) Just relax. Just relax
|
||
Paul, you’re doing great. (Ross moves a piece of luggage over so he can watch Paul.)
|
||
She likes you. She… Maybe, she likes you. She likes you. Y’know why? Because
|
||
you’re a (pause) neat guy. (Ross can’t believe what he’s hearing.) You are
|
||
the man. You are (pause) the man! (He opens his shirt and looks at his chest.) I still got
|
||
it. Nice and sexy. You’re just a love machine. (Starts singing) <i>I’m just a
|
||
love machine and I won’t work for nobody but you! Hey bab-y!</i> (Flexes and grunts
|
||
loudly.) Showtime. (Starts to leave and starts singing.) <i>I’m just a love machine,
|
||
yeah ba-by! </i>(Grunts again and Ross is stunned.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica rushes in.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Have you seen Chandler?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No! Why?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> The woman from the museum called and said that there was a cancellation
|
||
and that we could move up our wedding and Chandler heard! (Phoebe gasps.) I know! How bad
|
||
is this?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well for the regular guy, it’s bad, but Chandler, Oh dear God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I know! I know! And he totally freaked out and I can’t find him
|
||
anywhere!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What are you gonna do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, I’m never gonna listen to you again, that’s for sure!
|
||
(Mimicking her.) "Y’know, harm can it do if you go and put your name down?"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Rachel said that!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well Rachel’s not here! (Runs out.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Dry Cleaner’s, Joey and Phoebe are entering to see if his picture is
|
||
on the wall.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh! Here it is! (Noticing it next to the door.) Ooh, Joey! Why did you
|
||
sign it, "Son of a bitch?" (Son of a bitch is written across the entire
|
||
picture.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I didn’t do that! Who would’ve done that?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Dry Cleaner:</b> (entering) Son of a bitch!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, maybe ask this guy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Dry Cleaner:</b> You, get out of my shop!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, what did he do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Dry Cleaner:</b> He went out with my wife!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Joey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, I-I—Hey! I did <b>not</b> go out with your wife!
|
||
(The same woman from before enters.) Okay? I went out with her! (Points at her.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Dry Cleaner:</b> That’s my wife!!! Get out! (Starts yelling at him in
|
||
Russian, and I’m betting he’s not saying pleasant things about him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, we should go.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Paul’s Bedroom, Elizabeth is entering.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Ross? Ross?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Elizabeth! (He opens one of the bed stands that he has curled himself up
|
||
into.) Okay. Okay. (She helps him out.) I’m gonna go out this window. (Points to the
|
||
window next to him.) I’ll meet you at the front door. Just tell them you’re
|
||
going home, okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Okay!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (yelling from the living room) Oh wait-wait-wait!! No! Don’t go in
|
||
there! Don’t go in there! I need another soda!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross frantically starts to open the window as Paul enters and traps him halfway out
|
||
the window.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Ross!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my God Ross! What in heaven’s name are you doing here?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (to Elizabeth) And that is why we cannot see each other anymore.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Ross. You and I are going to have to have a little talk.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Daddy!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> You’re next!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Okay. I didn’t know he was here. (Runs over to Rachel.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Let me just see if I got this straight. I tell you to stay away from my
|
||
daughter or I’ll have you fired. What you heard was, "Take my daughter, come up
|
||
to my country house, and ruin my weekend with Rachel!"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, please-please Paul, just let me explain…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> No, let me explain! Fired!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> All right, fine! Fine! Have me fired! But uh, I want you to know that you
|
||
and I are not all that different. I mean, I too am a neat guy. (Paul just looks at him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> (panicked) What? </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> And I too am just a love machine. (Hums a little bit and mimics
|
||
Paul’s flexing.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Ross, let me show you where the guest room is.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is pacing, waiting for Chandler to
|
||
return. Chandler enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (going over to him) I’m so sorry. Please, stop freaking out.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’m not freaking out. Why would I be freaking out? A woman named
|
||
Heldi called and said we were getting married, but that happens everyday. (Does one of
|
||
those Chandler noises.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Honey, we were at this beautiful place, and I-I-I just put our names
|
||
down for fun! I mean, what’s the harm in that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Right here! (Clucks like a chicken for some reason.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Chandler, please don’t think I was trying to pressure you. Phoebe
|
||
and Rachel…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Phoebe and Rachel! So the people that knew about our wedding before me
|
||
were you, Phoebe and Rachel, Heldi, and apparently some band called Starlight Magic 7 who
|
||
are available by the way!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> It was a mistake. Please don’t take this to mean anything, because
|
||
it doesn’t.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Really?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes, if it really doesn’t mean anything, because you know that
|
||
I’m just not ready…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I know! I know.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay. (They hug.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I’m gonna go tell Joey that (laughs) that you’re back. I was
|
||
really worried about you. (Exits.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (entering from her room) Hey, did she buy it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Totally.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> So did Heldi show you the place?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, it’s beautiful.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I can’t believe you’re gonna ask Monica to marry you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I know.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They hug.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Ending Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is going up to the counter.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey Gunther.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Gunther:</b> Hey! Take these cappuccinos to table 11 and that guy over there
|
||
(points) wants the biscotti. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh uh, well I just came in for a cup of coffee to go.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Gunther:</b> Do you still work here?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> No! No, I quit a long time ago. (Pause) Did I forget to you that one?
|
||
I’m sorry.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Gunther:</b> Oh that’s cool, I was gonna fire you anyway.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Great! (Takes his coffee and leaves.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |