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<title>The One With Joey's Bag</title>
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<h1 align="center">The One With Joey's Bag</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Teleplay by: Seth Kirkland<br>
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Story by: Michael Curtis<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, he is giving Monica a massage.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I can't <b>believe</b> we've never done this before! It's sooo good! So
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good for Monica! </p>
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<p>(Chandler picks up the timer being used and turns it to zero at which it chimes.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh! Look at that, time's up! My turn!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> That was a half an hour?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> It's your timer.</p>
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<p>(They change places.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Y'know, I don't like to brag about it, but I give the <b>best</b>
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massages!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> All right, then massage me up right nice!</p>
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<p>(She starts the massage, only she is doing extremely hard and Chandler is gasping in
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pain.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ah! Ahh!! Ahh!!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> It's so good, isn't it?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> It's so good I don't know what I've done to deserve it!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Say good-bye to sore muscles!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Good-bye muscles!!</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I'm telling you, she gives the worst massages ever!! Okay, it was like
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she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up I just<73>I didn't know
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what it was!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Chandler, if it really hurts that bad you should just tell her.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Look, for the first time in my life I'm in a real relationship. Okay,
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I'm not gonna screw that up by y'know, telling the truth.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (walking up with Rachel and carrying coffee) Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Whoa, dude, look out! You almost crushed my hat! (He picks a hat up from
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the floor. It's one of those magician stovepipe hats.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Sorry.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (examining the hat) And the bunny got away. (Turns and starts looking
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for the bunny as Joey puts the hat on.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (glaring at Joey) This would be the place where you explain the hat.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh! Yeah, look there's this play all right? And I'm up for the part of
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this real cool like suave international guy. A real clothes horse. So I figure that
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everyone at the audition is gonna be wearing this kinda y'know, ultra-hip, high fashion
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stuff.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> And you're gonna make them all disappear.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, like you could find something as sophisticated as this.</p>
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<p>(Chandler picks up a basket from the table and puts it on his head.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Done.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Joey, if you wanna look good, why don't you just come down to the store?
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I'll help you out.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Great! Thanks, Rach!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Sure! (Pause) God, please take those off!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right. </p>
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<p>(Both of them remove their hats as Phoebe enters.) </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey Pheebs, how's it going?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey! Umm, well, only okay because I just got back from, from the
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hospital.</p>
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<p>(All at once.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Is everything okay?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Are you all right?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh yeah, no-no-no. I'm fine. I'm okay, but umm, my Grandma sorta died.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Pheebs! Sorry!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> It's okay, I mean she had a really incredible life. And it's not like
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I'm never gonna see her again, y'know she's gonna visit.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well maybe, maybe she's with us right now?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, her first day on a new spiritual plane and she's gonna come to the
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coffeehouse!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (entering, in a hurry) Guys! Guys! I just saw two people having sex in a
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car right outside.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Uhh, Pheebs' Grandmother just died.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Ohh my God, I'm so sorry.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> It's okay. Actually y'know what, it's kinda cool. 'Cause it's like
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y'know, one life ends and another begins.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (to the guys) Not the way they're doing it. What, what happened? How did
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she die?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well umm, okay we were in the market and she bent down to get some
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yogurt and she just never came back up again.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Pheebs, I'm so sorry.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> It was really sweet. The last thing she said to me was; "Okay dear,
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you go get the eggs and I'm gonna get the yogurt and we'll meet at the checkout
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counter." And y'know what? We <b>will</b> meet at the checkout counter.</p>
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<p>[Scene: <i>Bloomingdale's</i>, Rachel is fixing Joey up with some new clothes.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay now Joey, y'know that since you're returning all of this stuff
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right after the audition you're gonna have to wear underwear?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right, then you'd better show me some of that too then.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, it's missing something. Ooh, I know! Umm, okay. (Goes and grabs a
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bag, that looks like a purse, and shows it to Joey.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Really? A purse?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> It's not a purse! It's a shoulder bag.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> It looks like a women's purse.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No Joey, look. Trust me, all the men are wearing them in the spring
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catalog. Look. (Shows him.) See look, <b>men</b>, carrying the bag.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> See look, <b>women</b>, carrying the bag. (He puts it on his shoulder and
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looks at himself in the mirror and likes what he sees.) But it is odd how a women's purse
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looks good on me, a man.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Exactly! Unisex!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Maybe you need sex. <b>I</b> had sex a couple days ago.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! No Joey! U-N-I-sex.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Ursula's apartment, Phoebe is about to break the bad news to her sister. She
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knocks on the door.]</p>
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<p>Ursula: Who is it?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> It's Phoebe.</p>
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<p>Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Umm, well I sorta have some bad news, can I come in?</p>
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<p>Ursula: Umm, yeah<61>no thanks.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Umm, well, umm Grandma died.</p>
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<p>Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, she just died today! Okay, umm, we're having a memorial service
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tomorrow.</p>
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<p>Ursula: Okay, I know that I went to that all ready.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No you didn't!</p>
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<p>Ursula: Well, then who's been dead for five years?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, lots of people! Look, are you coming to memorial service or not?</p>
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<p>Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it.
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Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So<53> I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two
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tickets left.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Fine. Okay, enjoy your concert. (Starts to leave.)</p>
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<p>Ursula: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are on the couch as Joey enters with his new
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bag.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p>(As he walks past both Chandler and Ross notice the bag and stare at each other in
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shock.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Wow! You look just like your son Mrs. Tribbiani!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just
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looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your
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stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Your make-up!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (entering) Joey, what are you doing with the bag? You're audition is not
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until tomorrow.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, but sandwich time is right now. (Removes a sandwich and starts
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eating.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Joey, y'know you get any mustard on that bag, you can't return it.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Why would I return it? I love this bag!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> All right, then you owe me $350.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Fine! Do you take Vasa or Mustercard? (He's holding the fake credit cards
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that come with the bag.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (glaring at him) Joey<65></p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right relax, look I'll pay you with the money from the acting job I am
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definitely gonna get thanks to you.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What's the part, Anti-man?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey, don't listen to them. I think it's sexy.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> U-N-I-sexy? (Smiles provocatively.) </p>
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<p>[Scene: Phoebe's Grandmother's memorial, Phoebe is at the door welcoming people.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well hello, Mrs. Penella! Thank you so much for coming! Well, okay look,
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here's your umm, 3-D glasses and Reverend Pong will tell you when to put them on.</p>
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<p>(The gang arrives.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi sweetie!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey, how are you holding up?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey Pheebs, I'm so sorry.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (notices his bag.) Hey, y'know what? My Grandma had the exact same bag!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Here, I brought you some flowers. (He pulls them out of the bag.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Thanks!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Pulling flowers out it makes the bag look a lot more masculine.</p>
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<p>(Another man, an older man, enters, looking around and bumps into Chandler.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Man:</b> Oops, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Is this the umm, the memorial?</p>
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<p>(The gang moves off as Phoebe greets the new guest.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, welcome.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Man: </b>Hello. Hello.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Umm here's your 3-D glasses.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Man:</b> Oh, umm, all right.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> So how did you know Francis?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Man:</b> Well I actually, I-I really, I haven't seen her for years. But umm, well I-I
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was pretty tight with-with her and her daughter.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Really?! What's your name?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Man:</b> Umm, Frank Buffay. </p>
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<p>(Needless to say, Phoebe is stunned into silence. And one audience member gasps.) </p>
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<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> (Seeing the look on her face) Y'know what? Strike that. My name uh,
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actually is-is Joe. Uh, Joe umm, Hill.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You're Frank Buffay?</p>
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<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> Shh! (Whispers) No! Joe Hill!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You just said<69></p>
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<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> Y'know what, I gotta go. And thank you <b>so</b> much for coming.
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(Hands back his glasses and hurries out.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> But<75></p>
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<p>(Phoebe takes one step after him and stops.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh my God!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What?! What honey?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What happened?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> That was my dad!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh my God!</p>
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<p>(They all look down the hall he left from.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (approaches, wearing his glasses) Hey you guys, check it out. Check it
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out. (Moves his hand towards and away from his face.) It's like it's coming right at me.
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(Chandler helps out a little bit by pushing on Joey's arm, which causes his hand to slap
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him in his face.)</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: The Funeral Home, continued from earlier. Phoebe is returning after looking for
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her father.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, did you catch him?!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Uh-huh.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Wh-what did he say?!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> He said, "Nice to meet you Glenda." (They stare at her,
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dumbfounded) Well, obviously I couldn't give him my real name?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Why?! Why not?!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Come on, you saw the way he ran out of here! What do you think? He's
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gonna stick around and talk to the daughter he abandoned!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> What did you say to him?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, I said, I told him y'know, that I was the executor person of
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Francis' will and that I needed to talk to him so I'm gonna meet him at the coffee house
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later.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>The Pastor:</b> Could everyone please take their seats?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right, well, I just can't think about that right now. I just wanna
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say good-bye to my Grandma.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> All right, let's go say good-bye.</p>
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<p>(They put on their glasses and try to find their way to their seats.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the funeral, everyone is there.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering, with bag) Hey! I'm off to my audition. How do I look?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ahhh, I think you look <b>great</b>! That bag is gonna get you that
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part.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> And a date with a man!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Y'know what? Make fun all you want. <b>This</b> is a great bag! Okay? And
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it's as handy as it is becoming. Now, just because you don't understand something, doesn't
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make it wrong. All right? So from now on you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact
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that Joey, (pats the bag) comes with a bag! (Exits.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right, I'd better go too. I have to go talk to my dad.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ooh, Pheebs, what are you gonna say? Are you gonna tell him who you are?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Umm, no, not at first 'cause I-I don't want to freak him out</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, but aren't you pissed at him?! I mean this guy <b>abandoned</b> you!
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I gotta tell you if this were me, this guy would be in some serious physical danger!
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(Getting worked up) I mean I-I-I'd walk in there and I'd be like, "Yo, dad! You and
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me outside right now!" (Calming down.) I kinda scared myself.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, at least you scared someone.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Y'know it's funny, you'd <b>think</b> I'd be angry. I mean, you'd <b>think</b>
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I'd wanna rip his tiny little head off. Fortunately, I'm past it.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe, you do seem a little tense. Here, let me help you. </p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right.</p>
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<p>(She goes over and tries to give Phoebe a massage. Phoebe yelps in pain and jumps away
|
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from her.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh! Get off!! Ow!! Oh, stop it!! Why?! Why are you doing that to me?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What are you talking about?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> As a masseuse and a human, I'm begging you, never do that to anyone!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (indignant) I give good massages! (Ross laughs.) I used to give them to
|
||
Rachel all the time before she got allergic! And-and-and Chandler loves them! Watch! (She
|
||
starts giving Chandler a massage.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (seeing the look on Chandler's face) He-he does not like it! He hates
|
||
it! He's in pain!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No he's not!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (wincing) Yes, he is!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I'm sorry but, ow-owww-owww!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You've been lying to me? I can't believe you'd do that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, maybe he just didn't want to hurt your feelings.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> But the minute we start to lie to each other<65> (Pauses after she
|
||
realizes what she's saying.) And by 'we' I mean society.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey's audition, he is with bag.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Casting Director:</b> Any time you're ready, Joey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (reading from the script) Well, you must be new here. Why don't we get a
|
||
table and I'll buy you a drink.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Casting Director:</b> (stopping him) I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it
|
||
without the purse?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, sure. (He takes it off and starts reading.) Well, you must be new
|
||
here. Maybe we should<6C>I'm sorry, can I ask you something? (He stops and asks a
|
||
question.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Casting Director:</b> Sure. What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, first it's not a purse.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Casting Director:</b> Okay, anytime.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I mean if-if you're thinking it's a woman's bag, it's not. It's a man's
|
||
bag!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Casting Director:</b> Okayyyy! Anddd, go!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> All right look, let me show you the catalog! (Does so.) See? Huh? It's the
|
||
latest thing! Everyone's got one! Men! Women! Children! Everyone's carrying them!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Casting Director:</b> Umm, do you sell these bags?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Noooo. No-no-no, these babies sell themselves.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Casting Director:</b> Okay! Thank you! That was great!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah but I didn<64>t read anything.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Casting Director:</b> I think we've seen enough!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay! All right, I'll see ya. (As he's walking off stage.) (Patting the
|
||
bag.) We got it! We got it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is poking his head in.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey, is Rachel here?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (coming all the way in) Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this
|
||
afternoon and the whole massage thing. Y'know? I-I really like 'em.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, please, stop! Look, we're supposed to be honest with each other. I-I
|
||
just wish you could tell me<6D>just say, "I don't like your massages."</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (falling into that trap) I don't like your massages.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (starting to cry) See? It's no big deal.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, but now see you're crying!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I'm not crying about that! I'm crying about something that happened at
|
||
work.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (bursting into tears) My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> It's okay, you don't have to be the best at everything.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God! You don't know me at all!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, you give the worst massages in the world.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I'm crying here!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, hear me out. Okay? You give the <b>best</b> bad massages. If
|
||
anybody was looking for the best bad massage and they were thinking to themselves,
|
||
"Who's the best of that?" They'd have to go to you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Huh. So you're saying like umm, if there was an award for the best bad
|
||
massage, well who would get that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, it would be you! You! Monica! And you'd get all the votes!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> So maybe they could umm, call the award the Monica?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Absolutely!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. I suck!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah! (They hug.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Frank Sr. is just arriving.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Umm, thank you for meeting with me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> Thank you. All right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Come, sit. (He's hesitant.) Sit. (Still hesitating.) Sit! (He sits on
|
||
the arm of the couch.) Umm, all righty, before we get started I just<73>I need you to
|
||
state for the official record that you are in fact Frank Buffay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> Oh yes. Yes, yes, I am, uh-hmm.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> So, what did Francis leave me?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Huh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> Well, that's why you wanted me to come, right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh yes. Yes. Yeah<61>no. She did. She left you umm, (looking in her
|
||
purse) this lipstick.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> Oh. Huh. It's huh, well it's (opens it) oh it's<>ew used. Umm,
|
||
cool.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay. I have just a few questions to ask so I'm going to get out my
|
||
official forms. (She picks up a couple of crumpled receipts.) Okay, so, question 1) You
|
||
and uh, you were married to Francis' daughter Lilly, is that correct?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> Yes, yes I was.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, umm, question 2) Umm, did that marriage end A. Happily, B. Medium,
|
||
or C. In the total abandonment of her and her two children?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> It really says that?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah. See? (Quickly shows him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> Well then I guess then I-I would I would have to say C.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hmm, okay, <b>total</b> abandonment. Okay, reasons for abandonment, A.
|
||
Top secret government work, B. Amnesia, or C. Or you're just a selfish, irresponsible bad,
|
||
bad man?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> Y'know, I don't think I want the lipstick that much. (Gets up to
|
||
leave.) But umm<6D> Oh, would you do me a favor? And umm, would you, would you give
|
||
Lilly that, please? (Hands her a note.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> Well Lilly, when you see Lilly would you give her that, that note?
|
||
Because I wanted to talk to her at the memorial but, well I pictured her getting mad at me
|
||
the way you got mad at me and I well, I chickened out. So, uh, I wrote her that note,
|
||
would you give it to her please?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> But you-you-you came to see Lilly?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> Yeah, yeah. Why?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Lilly's dead. (He looks up in shock.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> She what?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> She's dead.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> Are you sure?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, if she isn't then cremating her was a <b>big</b> mistake.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> I can't believe this. I just<73>I can't believe this.
|
||
How-how<6F>Oh my God. How long ago?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> 17 years ago.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> Oh! What about, what about the girls?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe,
|
||
(pause) is on this couch.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Silence ensues.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yep, lipstick and a daughter, big day for you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> Phoebe, I-I-I-umm, (Sits down next to her and brushes against her
|
||
leg.) Oops. (He backs up.) I just, I-I-I-I don<6F>t, I don<6F>t know what to say. I
|
||
just can't believe that you're my daughter, you're so pretty.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yes. Well, that's neither here nor there.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> So would it, would it make you feel better if I said I was very, very
|
||
sorry that I left?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Y'know what, it doesn<73>t matter what you say it's not gonna make a
|
||
difference anyway, so you can just go.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> All right. Well, y'know in my defense I was a lousy father.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> That's a defense?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> Yes. Yes it is. I burned the formula and I put your diapers on
|
||
backwards. I mean, I made up a song to sing you to sleep, but that made you cry even more!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You make up songs?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> Well no, just-just that one. But, it was stupid. Let's see, how did
|
||
it, how did it go. Umm. (Singing.) </p>
|
||
<i>
|
||
|
||
</i><p><i>Sleepy girl, sleepy girl.<br>
|
||
Why won't you go to sleep?<br>
|
||
Sleepy girl, sleepy girl.<br>
|
||
You're, you're, you're keeping me uppp! </i>(Yeah, that's to the tune of Smelly Cat.)<i></i></p><i>
|
||
</i>
|
||
|
||
<p>Yeah. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Phoebe is trying not to smile. He moves closer and very shyly holds out his hand and
|
||
turns his head, hoping for Phoebe to take his hand. She doesn't.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Frank Sr.:</b> I just, I y'know, I'm not very good at this. So, umm<6D> (Backs
|
||
away.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, I am. (Moves over and takes his hand.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(She holds his hand for a little while then<65>)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Not yet, no. (Drops his hand and moves back.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Ending Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey returns from his audition and finds everyone but
|
||
Phoebe there.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (dejected) Hi.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>All:</strong> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey man, how did the audition go?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Estelle said I didn't get it. (Sits down next to Rachel on the couch.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?! Why? Joey you were so ready for it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, I thought so too but, she said the casting people had some problems
|
||
with me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What kind of problem?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well to tell you the truth, they uh, (Pause) they had a problem with the
|
||
bag!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh my God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Nooooo!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Y'know what? It was a stupid play anyway!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Y'know, Joey, I think it's time to give up the bag.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I don't wanna give up the bag. I don't have to give up the bag! Do I Rach?
|
||
(She's avoiding his eyes.) Oh, you think I should give up the bag!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Honey wait, Joey, I<>m sorry I mean as terrific as I think you are
|
||
with it<69> (Looks for help.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, hey! (Ross nods in agreement as well.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> <20>I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I can't believe I'm hearing this!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not saying that you shouldn<64>t
|
||
have a bag, I just<73>it's just there are other bags that are a little less umm, (Pause)
|
||
controversial.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah umm, they're called wallets.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<hr>
|
||
|
||
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|
||
|
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|
||
|
||
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