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<!-- saved from url=(0055)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season1/111mbing.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<title>The One With Mrs. Bing</title>
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<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
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<body bgcolor="white" text="black" link="green" vlink="black" alink="yellow" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One With Mrs. Bing</h1>
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<hr align="center">
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<p>Written by: Alexa Junge<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">guineapig</a></p>
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<hr>
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<font size="3">
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<p>[Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Do you think they have yesterday's daily news?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Why?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God. (Grabs Phoebe and turns her away) Phoebe. Don't look now, but
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behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of
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depression. </p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Where? (Turns to face him) Ooh, come to Momma.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> He's coming. Be cool, be cool, be cool.</p>
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<p>(The guy walks past them)</p>
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<p><strong>Guy:</strong> Nice hat.</p>
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<p><strong>Monica and Phoebe: </strong>(in unison) Thanks.</p>
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<p>(The guy walks on)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> We should do something. Whistle.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> We are not going to whistle.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Come on, do it.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Do it!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Do it do it do it!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (Shouts to the guy) Woo-woo!</p>
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<p>(The guy turns round, startled. Monica points to Phoebe. The guy gets hit by a truck)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I can't believe you did that!</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Hospital, the guy is in a coma and Mon and Pheebs are visiting.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that
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he'd turn round and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I just wish there was something we could do. (Bends down and talks to
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him) Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe, what are you doing?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Maybe nobody's tried this.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that face. I mean, even
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sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's
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artistic.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. And- he can
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dance!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking, he's listening,
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y'know, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I wish all guys could be like him.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I know.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are telling everyone about their coma
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guy.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> He doesn't have anyone.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I can't believe you said woowoo. I don't even say woowoo.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, she's coming up! She's coming up! (Turns on the TV)</p>
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<p><b>Jay Leno:</b> (on TV) Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book,
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'Euphoria Unbound': the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put the kids
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to bed for this one.</p>
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<p>(Everyone has settled down to watch, except Chandler)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Y'know, we don't have to watch this. <em>Weekend At Bernie's</em> is
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on <em>Showtime</em>, <em>HBO</em>, and <em>Cinemax</em>.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No way, forget it.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> C'mon, she's your mom!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Exactly. <em>Weekend At Bernie's</em>! Dead guy getting hit in the
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groin twenty, thirty times! No?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I
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cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old
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and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.'</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You can say that because she's not your mom.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, please...</p>
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<p>(Rachel opens the door to Paolo)</p>
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<p><b>Paolo:</b> Bona sera.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, hi sweetie. (They kiss)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Last night.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ah, so then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?... Just a
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dream I had- but, phew.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey hey hey! She's on!</p>
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<p><b>Paolo:</b> Ah! Nora Bing!</p>
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<p><b>Jay Leno:</b> (on TV) ...Now what is this about you-you being arrested i-in London?
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What is that all about?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Your mom was arrested?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Shhh, busy beaming with pride.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> (on TV) ...This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after I've
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been intimate with a man...</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Now why would she say that's embarrassing?</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Shhh.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> (on TV) ...I just get this craving for Kung Pow Chicken.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!</p>
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<p><b>Jay Leno:</b> (on TV) Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how
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is that going?</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> (on TV) Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate-
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but I get to see my son, who I love...</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Awww!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.</p>
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<p><b>Jay Leno:</b> (on TV) Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I just don't see you a-as a
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mom, somehow.. I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad...</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> (on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first
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condoms.</p>
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<p>(The gang turn to look at Chandler)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> ...And then he burst into flames.</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Hospital, it's a montage of Monica and Phoebe's visit to the hospital with <em>My
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Guy</em> playing in the background. It starts with Monica reading a newspaper to
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him.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the
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mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams
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played sports.</p>
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<p>[Next is a shot of them dragging an enormous plant into the room, then Monica knitting
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a sweater, then Phoebe singing, then Phoebe shaving him and chatting to Monica]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What about Glen? He could be a Glen. </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Nah... not-not special enough.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ooh! How about Agamemnon?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Waaay too special.</p>
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<p>[Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.]</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> I am famished. What do I want... (Looks at Chandler's menu)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> Oh, you watched the show! What'd you think?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (Entering) What is this dive? Only you could've picked this place.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun. Gimme a hug. (They both sit down)
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Well, I think we're ready for some tequila.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I know I am.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> Who's doing shots?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I'm in.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> There y'go. Ross?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh, I'm not really a shot drinking kinda guy.</p>
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<p>(Enter Rachel and Paolo. They are both somewhat flustered)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi! Sorry- sorry we're late, we, uh, kinda just, y'know, lost track of
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time.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> ...But a man can change. (Downs a shot)</p>
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<p>[Time lapse. Ross is now clearly drunk. He is holding up a shot glass to his eye like a
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jeweller's eye.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Anyone want me to appraise anything?</p>
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<p>(Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written.
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No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a
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writer.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just
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start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia,
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and bam! You have got yourself a book.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.</p>
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<p>[Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.]</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> Yeah, any messages for room 226?</p>
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<p>(Ross emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicas')</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> You okay there, slugger?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet behind him and
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he tries to pretend he was in the other one)</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> What is with you tonight?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> (To phone) Okay, thank you. (To Ross) It's the Italian Hand-Licker,
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isn't it.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No. It's the one he's licking.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> She's supposed to be with you.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You're good.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my
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books, and y'know why?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> No. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love with.
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Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages
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for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know, complication you
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eventually kill off.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> When?</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> He's not a hero. ...You know who our hero is.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> No, it's you!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Please.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy...</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Right.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> You are gonna be fine, believe me.</p>
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<p>(She kisses him on the cheek)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh-oh...</p>
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<p>(...Then full on the mouth)</p>
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<p>(Enter Joey)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Uhhhh.... I'll just pee in the street.</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing
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gown<EFBFBD>it's Ross.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey, is Chandler here?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p>(Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... (Joey shakes
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his head) Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a
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kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Right. No big deal.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay. </p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What code?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin'
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aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!</p>
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<p>(Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> What are you guys doing out here?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning
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racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No, no I don't, because it's being restrung, somebody was supposed to
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bring me one.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back inside
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and shuts the door)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Ross, how could you let this happen?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I don't know, God, I... well, it's not like she's a regular mom, y'know?
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She's, she's sexy, she's...</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> You don't think my mom's sexy?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well... not in the same way...</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day,
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alright? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here...</p>
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<p>(Monica and Rachel's door opens and Rachel and Paolo emerge)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What're you guys doing out here?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, not playing raquetball!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> He forgot to leave his grip size!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> He didn't get the goggles!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well,sounds like you two have issues.</p>
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<p>(She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Goodbye, baby.</p>
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<p><b>Paolo:</b> Ciao, bela.</p>
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<p>(They kiss. Ross is watching them)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Do they wait for me to do this?</p>
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<p>(Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's apartment)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> So are you gonna tell him?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Why would I tell him?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> How about 'cause if you don't, his mother might.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh...</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (Entering) What are you guys doing here?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> ...What did I ask?</p>
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<p>[Scene: Hospital. Phoebe is there stroking Coma Guy's hair, when Monica enters with a
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bunch of balloons.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hi.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hi.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What are you doing here?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh... that I..
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y'know, so what are you doing here?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off...on the way.. my
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way... Do you come here a lot? Without me?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No. (Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair in the other direction) No! No!
|
||
...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> How would I know? I-I wasn't here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Really? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the sheet to
|
||
reveal him wearing new pajamas.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the
|
||
bar.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh my God. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You're my friend. I-I had to tell you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you
|
||
know how he gets when he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight of Joey scowling at him) I
|
||
can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much
|
||
tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing
|
||
happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in-</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Joey) You knew about this?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows
|
||
what woulda happened.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Thanks, man, big help.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I wasn't- I mean, I-</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my
|
||
mom more than you. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I know-</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Chandler-</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Me neither, y'know what-</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I'm still mad at you for not telling me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What are you mad at me for?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Chandler-</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! (To Ross) See
|
||
what happens when you break the code?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Joey-</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Ah! (Points to door) Huh? (Leaves and slams the door)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for Chandler. Rachel is writing
|
||
something and Monica walks up.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (Reading) 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now,
|
||
do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (Reads) Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (Walks up with her guitar) Hey Rach.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hello.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hello. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Going to the hospital tonight?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No, you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You just asked me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, maybe it was a trick question. (Plays a few chords) Um, Rachel can
|
||
we do this now?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (To Ross, on the couch) Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on
|
||
their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I cannot believe we're having this conversation.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (Into microphone) Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man
|
||
that I recently met, who's, um, come to be very important to me. (Monica gives her a look)
|
||
'Kay. (Sung:) <i></i></p><i>
|
||
|
||
<blockquote>
|
||
<p>You don't have to be awake to be my man,<br>
|
||
As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand.<br>
|
||
Though we just met the other day, <br>
|
||
There's something I have got to say...</p>
|
||
</blockquote>
|
||
</i>
|
||
|
||
<p align="left">(She sees Monica sneaking out) Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a
|
||
short break! (Runs out, knocking over the mike stand)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (Into mike) Okay, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody. Woo!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Enter Chandler)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What was that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a...</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, alright there, Mother-Kisser?
|
||
(Goes to the counter)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (Laughing) Mother-Kisser... (Sees Ross's look) I'll shut up.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Chandler, can I just say something? I-I know you're still mad at me, I
|
||
just wanna say that there were two people there that night. Okay? Two sets of lips.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian
|
||
nightmare. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, well, if she always behaves like this, why don't you say something?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(People turn to look)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (To the rest of Central Perk) We're rehearsing a Greek play.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> That's very funny. We done now?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No! Okay, you mean, you're not gonna talk to her, you're not gonna tell
|
||
her how you feel?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my
|
||
mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, 'you' can't, or (Points to Chandler) you can't? (Chandler grabs his
|
||
finger) Okay, that's my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one knee)
|
||
That's, that's my knee. (To Central Perk) Still doing the play. Aaah!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Coma Guy's Room, Monica bursts in, closely followed by Phoebe. There is no
|
||
sign of Coma Guy. His bed is empty.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Alright, whadyou do with him?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(There is the sound of a flushing toilet and Coma Guy emerges from the bathroom)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh! You're awake!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Look at you! How, how do you feel?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Coma Guy:</b> Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You look good!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Coma Guy:</b> I feel good! ...Who are you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, sorry.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I'm Phoebe Buffay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I'm Monica Geller. I've been taking care of you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, we both have.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Coma Guy:</b> So, the Etch-a-Sketch is from you guys?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, actually it's just from me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I got you the foot massager.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You know who shaved you? That was me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I read to you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I sang. (To Monica) Hah!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Coma Guy:</b> Well,... thanks.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, my pleasure.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You're welcome.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Coma Guy:</b> So. I guess I'll see you around.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What, that's it? </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> "See you around?"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Coma Guy:</b> Well, what do you want me to say?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, I don't know. Maybe, um, "That was nice?" Admit something
|
||
to me? "I'll call you?" </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Coma Guy:</b> Alright, I'll call you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I don't think you mean that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> This is so typical. Y'know, we give, and we give, and we give. And then-
|
||
we just get nothing back! And then one day, y'know, it's just, you wake up, and "See
|
||
you around!" Let's go, Phoebe.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Y'know what? We thought you were different. But I guess it was just the
|
||
coma.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Chandler is talking with his mom.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> Car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of
|
||
my book for your friends. Anything you want from Lisbon?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> Alright, well, be good, I love you. (Kisses him and goes to leave)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to that effect.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> (Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Really stupid.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> Really stupid. And I don't even know how it happened. I'm sorry,
|
||
honey, I promise it will never happen again. Are we okay now?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah. No. No...</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his mom's conversation through
|
||
the door as Ross walks up.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just about the kiss, about
|
||
everything.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You're kidding.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> No, no. He said "When are you gonna grow up and start being a
|
||
mom?"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Wow!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Then she came back with "The question is, when are you gonna grow up
|
||
and realise I have a bomb?"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> 'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say "When are you gonna
|
||
grow up and realise I am your mom?"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> That makes more sense.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> So, what's going on now?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I dunno, I've been standing here spelling it out for you! (Goes back to
|
||
the door) I don't hear anything. Oh, wait, wait, wait. (Looks through the spyhole)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Whaddya see?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside-down. Wait, wait. They're walking
|
||
away... they're walking away... No, no they're not, they're coming right at us! Run! Run!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey runs off down the hall. Ross tries Monica and Rachel's apartment, but it is
|
||
locked so he has to stand in the hall and pretend he wasn't listening. Chandler and his
|
||
mom come out)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> You okay, kiddo?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> Alright. (Kisses him)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Nice save.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(She walks down the hall)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (Very politely) Mrs. Bing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Bing:</b> Mr. Geller.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(She leaves)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross knocks on Monica and Rachel's door)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You mean that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, why not. (They shake hands) So I told her.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah? How'd it go?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Awful. Awful. Couldn'ta gone worse. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, howdya feel?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Pretty good! I told her.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, y'know, me kissing your
|
||
mom, uh? Huh? (Wags his finger at Chandler, then puts it down) But.. we don't have to go
|
||
down that road.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Closing Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is handing out copies of her book to the gang.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute
|
||
honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What's a 'niffle'?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist...</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya,
|
||
you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Alright, that's it! Give it back! That's it!</p>
|
||
|
||
</font><p><font size="3"><b>All:</b> Nooo! </font></p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong><font size="3">End</font></strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |