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<title>The One With The Unagi</title>
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<body bgcolor="#FFFFFF" link="#008000" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One With The Unagi</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Teleplay by: Adam Chase<br>
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Story by: Zachary Rosenblatt<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Joey is working.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey, remember when I had a monkey?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, what, what was I thinking?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (he’s just picked up their bill) Hey! So, what’s with the 20
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percent tip? Did I do something wrong?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Twenty percent is a pretty generous tip Joe.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Y’know what’s more generous than that?! Fifty percent!
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Y’know what’s even more generous than that?!!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I see where you’re goin’!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What’s up with the greed Joe?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right, look I’m sorry you guys, but it’s just that I gotta
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get these new head shots made. And they’re really expensive, y’know? I’m
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down to like three! Well, actually two ‘cause one of ‘em I kinda blackened in
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some teeth—Why did I do that?! (Hits himself in the head.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well isn’t there something you can do to earn a little extra money? I
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mean, can’t-can’t you pick up, I don’t know, an extra shift here?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Or, y’know, I used to beg for money. Of course it helps if
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you’ve got y’know a little of this (she sticks her chest out and shakes it)
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goin’ on. Wow! I still have it!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, wait! Wait! Don’t you have an audition today? Yeah! Maybe
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you’ll get that job!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, ha-ha-ha! Ooh! Wait a minute, I used to get medical experiments down
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on me all the time!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (reminiscing) Ah, finally an explanation.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No-no! I used to get paid for all kinds of medical stuff, remember?
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Let’s see uh, well I don’t want to donate sperm again. (To Ross) I really prefer
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doing that at the home office y’know? (Ross nods his head.) Ooh-ooh, maybe they want
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like some of my blood or-or spit or something, huh?</p>
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<p><b>Gunther:</b> (approaching with a tray with an order on it) Joey!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah?</p>
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<p><b>Gunther:</b> What did I tell you about talking to your friends while you’re
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working?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Uhh do it?</p>
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<p><b>Gunther:</b> That guy (points) has been waiting for his coffee for ten minutes!
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He’s complained about you three times! (He hands the coffee cup to Joey, assuming
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that Joey will deliver it and walks away.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, where was I? (Takes a sip of the coffee.)</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Phoebe and Rachel enter wearing workout
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clothes.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey, what have you guys been up to?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ohh! We went to a self-defense class today!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Wow!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, kicking a guy in the crotch all morning really takes it out of ya!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Takes it out of you? (Laughs.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Now, we can kick anybody’s ass!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> After one class? I don’t think so.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What? You wanna see me self-defend myself?! Go over there (points) and
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pretend you’re a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming,
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that’s not enough. Look, I studying kara-tay for a long time, and there’s a
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concept you should really be familiar with. It’s what the Japanese call (he holds two
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fingers up to his temple, and he does this every time he says this word) unagi.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Isn’t that a kind of sushi?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No, it’s a concept!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah it is! It is! It’s freshwater eel!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> All right, maybe it means that too…</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Y’know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don’t even care! </p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (deadpan) Come on Ross. We’re sorry. Please tell us what it is.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Unagi is a state of total awareness. Okay? Only by achieving true unagi
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can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You mean in case someone is trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or
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your kettle of fish?</p>
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<p>(Rachel laughs and Ross mocks her.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (moves closer) All I’m saying is, it’s one thing being prepared
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for an attack against like each other; whole another story being prepared for an attack, I
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don’t know, like a (turns and puts his face close to Rachel’s and screams) <b>surprise</b>!!</p>
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<p>(Rachel calmly wipes the spittle off her face.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> All right, you know that one was coming, but that doesn’t mean you
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have unagi. (Does the finger thing.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (To Phoebe) Ooh! Y’know what? If we made reservations, we could
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have unagi in about a half-hour.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Y’know what… (Moves away as Chandler enters, panicked.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey-hey, is Monica here?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, look I need your help, I don’t know what to get her for
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Valentine’s Day.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, Valentine’s Day was like two weeks ago, so I wouldn’t
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get her a calendar!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (laughs) She was working on Valentine’s Day so we’re
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celebrating it tonight.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Ohh, hey! Why don’t you book a date for both of you at one of those
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romantic spas?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ooh, Joey, that’s actually a really good idea!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> And of course, crotchless panties. </p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well appealing as that does sound to her boyfriend (pause) and her
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brother, (the camera pans to Ross flashing Joey a very evil look; Joey gets scared) I
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can’t do that we promised we’d make each other gifts this year.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Aw, I love that.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You guys!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> You can’t make crotchless panties? You take, you take a pair of
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scissors and you just cut…</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (interrupting him) Okay-okay-okay! So, making things. That sounds like
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so much fun.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, I thought so to until I paper mached one of my eyes shut.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, I love paper mache! What did you make?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I made a… (Does one of those gibberish words.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What is that?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Nothing!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> So what are you gonna do?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, have you guys made anything that maybe I can take credit for?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ohh! I have! I have! I started making these little sock bunnies! (She
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takes out a sock that’s been made into a bunny with eyes, nose, mouth, whiskers, and
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two other socks sown onto it for ears.) Oh for crying out loud!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey, wait a minute! That is my sock!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Now, it’s you little bunny friend. (She sticks it in Rachel’s
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face and they both laugh.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is desperately trying to make his
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Valentine’s Day gift. He takes a paper cup, turns it upside down, sticks two pencils
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into the top, and hangs a coat hanger from the bottom.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (admiring his work) This, this actually is a… (Does the same
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gibberish word from before.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (entering) Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey! Honey, can I ask you a question about the Valentine’s Day
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gifts?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Do we have to make the entire thing?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yes! Why, did you—you forget to make yours?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Of course, of course not. I just have to uh, go over to the place
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where I-I made it and pick-pick it up.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. (They kiss.) Okay, I can’t wait! This is going to be the best
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Valentine’s Day ever! (Chandler giggles and exits.) I can’t believe it! Make the
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presents! Make the presents!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (sticking his head back in) What?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I’m just so excited to make the presents! (Chandler does another
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sarcastic/scared laugh and leaves.) Shoot!</p>
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<p>[Scene: A Medical Research Office, Joey is there to sign up for an experiment, any
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experiment.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (to the receptionist) Hi uh, I’m Joey Tribbiani and with all do
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respect I’d like to donate some fluids.</p>
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<p><b>Receptionist:</b> We’re actually at the end of one of our research cycles, so
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we’re not looking for applicants right now.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh that’s too bad. I’ve kinda been saving up. (She just looks at
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him in horror.) Uh, are you sure there’s no studies I can participate in?</p>
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<p><b>Receptionist:</b> Well, here’s a schedule of what’s coming up. (Hands it
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to him.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Thanks. (Starts to read it.) Well but this one starts now. (Points to
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one.)</p>
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<p><b>Receptionist:</b> Oh that one is available now, but only identical twins are
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eligible. It’s a twins study. </p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> But it’s $2,000.</p>
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<p><b>Receptionist:</b> Sorry.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Well how about this one? Testing the effects of Joey Tribbiani on
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attractive nurse receptionists.</p>
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<p><b>Receptionist:</b> We already got the results back on that on, and they’re not
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good. (Joey beats a hasty retreat.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Hallway between the Apartments, Ross is hiding behind that bump out on
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Monica’s side waiting for Phoebe and Rachel. As they come up the stairs, he jumps out
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and yells…]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> <b>DANGER</b>!!! <b>DANGER</b>!!!!!</p>
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<p>(They both scream and jump away.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ross!!!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What the hell was that?!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> A lesson in the importance of unagi. (He starts doing the finger thing
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every time now.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ohh, <b>you’re a freak</b>!!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Perhaps. Now I’m curious, at what point during those girlish screams
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would you have begun to <b>kick</b> my ass?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> All right, so we weren’t <b>pre</b>pared!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I’m sorry I had to take such drastic measures to make my point, but
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I—look, I just want you guys to be safe. (Monica comes out to throw out the garbage
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and Ross screams…) <b>DANGER</b>!!!!! (She completely ignores him and keeps walking.)
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Ahhh, huh? Unagi.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Cole-Geddes Casting Agency, Joey is there on his audition and thinking about
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that 2,000 bucks for the twins study.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (in his head) 2,000 bucks is a lot of money. Oh, I wish I had a twin.
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Where could I find someone who looks exactly like me? (The camera widens its shot to
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reveal a room full of Joey look-a-likes. Joey looks at the guy next to him and then back
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at his script.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming in from doing his laundry. He starts folding
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it as Chandler enters.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (not turning around) Chandler. I sensed it was you.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> What?!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Unagi. I’m always aware.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, are you aware unagi (does the finger thing) is an eel?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What’s up?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I can’t figure out what to make Monica.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, why don’t you make her one of your little jokes.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’m going crazy! Okay? Do you have any thing around here that
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looks homemade?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Y’know what? She’d-she’d love this. (Picks up a model of
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the Saturn V rocket, that’s the one that took man to the moon.) Uh, it’s an
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exact replica of Apollo 8. I made it in the sixth grade.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, I guess I could use that. I could say that your love sends me to
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the moon.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah-yeah, except Apollo 8 didn’t actually land on the moon. But
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you-you-you could write that umm, your love lets me orbit the moon twice and return
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safely. (Apollo 8 was the first one that orbited the moon and the one that read the
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Christmas Story from the orbit of the moon on Christmas Eve, 1968. They also took the
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famous Earthrise picture of the Earth rising over the moon.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Wait a minute, I can’t give this to her.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Why not?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Because it says "Captain Ross" on the side and "I hate
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Monica" on the bottom.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh.</p>
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<p>(Chandler leaves dejectedly. When the door closes Rachel and Phoebe jump out from
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behind the curtains and scream…)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe and <b>Rachel:</b> DANGER</b>!!!!!</p>
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<p>(Ross screams like a little girl.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ahhhhh, salmon skin roll. (She does the finger thing.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, he’s still trying to figure out what
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to make Monica.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay. Okay. (He goes to the closet, moves the clothes out of the way,
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and notices an empty hanger. He takes the empty hanger and bends it all out of shape. Then
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he holds it out as if he’s giving it to her.) Yes honey, I made it myself. (He throws
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it down and goes to her chest, grabs something, goes to the bed table, and takes out a
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pair of scissors. He turns around and holds the scissors to the crotch of the panties he
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just removed.) I can’t do it. I can’t do it. (He throws them both down and
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continues looking. He opens another closet door and finds a tape.) Oh! Oh! A mixed tape! A
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mixed tape!! (He runs out into the living room.)</p>
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<p>[Cut to the living room, Chandler is entering as Monica finishes wrapping her present
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for him on the kitchen table.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey! Hi! You uh, ready to exchange gifts?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Sure! Okay, you go first.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, come here! Come here.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay! (She takes her present for him and they move over to sit on the
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couch.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Now, it’s not wrapped because I just, just finished it.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> But I made you a tape of what I think are all romantic songs.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, what a great gift! Is <i>The Way You Look Tonight</i> on it?!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (momentarily terrified) Maybe we’ll have to listen and see!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, I love it! Thank you so much!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, you ready to open yours?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p>(He opens his present to find Phoebe’s sock bunny from earlier.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> It’s a sock bunny.</p>
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|
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah-yeah, you remember how I call you bunny?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Not really.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, I did one time, and-and I want to start doing it more. See
|
||
that’s what this is about.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I see. Y’know umm, Phoebe makes sock bunnies.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No! No, she doesn’t. Uh Phoebe, what she makes—that’s
|
||
uh—they’re sock rabbits. They are completely different—Okay! Okay! Okay! I
|
||
didn’t make it! I’m sorry! I totally forgot about tonight and the fact that
|
||
we’re supposed to <b>make</b> the presents!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, it’s okay. I don’t…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No-no, it’s not okay! It’s not! I mean you were just…
|
||
You’re so incredible! You went through all this time and effort to make this tape for
|
||
me! Y’know I’m just gonna—I, I am gonna make this up to you! I will! I-I am
|
||
going to <b>cook</b> anything you want in here (points to the kitchen), and I am going to <b>do</b>
|
||
anything you want in there! (Points to the bedroom.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (thinking it over) Well, I did put a lot of thought in the tape. (They
|
||
both run into the bedroom.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they are relaxing in sexual bliss.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Wow! (To the sock bunny still on his hand.) <b>You</b> are way to
|
||
young to have seen that!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oops! (Covers its eyes.) Y’know, your birthday is in a
|
||
month-and-a-half, what do you say I forget to get you a present for that too?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You are totally and completely 100% forgiven.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> We have got to wash that! (Referring to the sock bunny.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah! (Takes it off his hand and throws it behind the night-stand.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Do you remember that jacket that you love so much, that you thought was
|
||
too expensive?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You have done enough!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I wanna wake up early and go get it for you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No you don’t—get it in black, not brown.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The oven dings.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oop, your cake is ready!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oop!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They both get out of bed and go get some cake.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, it’s like that old saying, have some sex, eat some cake.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(As they approach the kitchen, the door opens and in walks in a Joey look-a-like.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey's Look-A-Like:</b> Hey Mon! Hey Chann! (He goes to the fridge) Just
|
||
gettin’ a soda! (Does so.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Who the hell are you?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey's Look-A-Like:</b> I’m Joey! How are you doin’?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) No! No! No! No! No! How <b>you</b> doin’?! How <b>you</b>
|
||
doin’—Damnit Carl! Go wait in the hall! (Goes into the hall.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Look, I got to apologize on the behalf of Carl.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Who the hell is Carl?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, did I not mention? Carl is a guy I hired to be my identical twin for a
|
||
medical research project.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Y’know sometimes the good ideas are just right in front of you,
|
||
aren’t they?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay, I know it sounds crazy, but I think it might work. Y’know? The
|
||
only problem is, Carl’s acting is… (Does the international hand symbol for
|
||
so-so.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> The <b>only</b> problem!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, he’s the reason I didn’t get that big <i>Minute Maid</i>
|
||
commercial a couple of years ago remember? We were supposed to be brothers, but he messed
|
||
it up.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carl:</b> (sticking his head back in) Hey, uh can I get a little piece of that cake?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (to Carl) Pizza!! We like Pizza!! Get out!!! (Carl does so.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are returning.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Pat Sajak?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yep!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Alex Trebek?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, of course!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Chuck Woolery?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Definitely! Phoebe, you will not find a single game show host,
|
||
who’s ass I cannot kick.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They start to walk into the living room and notice someone’s head sticking up
|
||
from behind a chair. The camera cuts to the other side and we see it’s Ross.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Time lapse. The girls have Ross pinned face down. Phoebe is sitting on his back and
|
||
arms while holding his head down and facing Rachel. Rachel is sitting on his knees and
|
||
holding his lower legs vertically, causing Ross pain.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Say it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Say we are unagi!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> It’s not something you are! It’s something you have!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Say it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Y’know what? I can easily get out of this, but there is a chance you
|
||
can get very, very hurt!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Rachel yanks on his legs again and he groans in pain.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Medical Research office, Joey is there with Carl in the waiting room. Two
|
||
identical twins come out and both wave by at the same time.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> All right Carl, we’re next. Now remember, what is not gonna be?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carl:</b> Another <i>Minute Maid</i> fiasco.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> That’s right! And what are you not gonna do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carl:</b> Well, I’m not gonna talk because…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (gets very angry) Damnit Carl! (Carl goes to say something more, and Joey
|
||
silences him with a grunt.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Doctor:</b> (entering) (To the receptionist) Can I have the next one please?
|
||
(Takes the form.) Joey and Tony Tribbiani. (Joey and Carl stand up.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> That’s us.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Doctor:</b> (seeing they’re not identical) But uh, this is a study for
|
||
identical twins.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> That’s right, $2,000.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Doctor:</b> But, you’re not identical twins.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Damnit Carl!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is getting ready for Chandler’s arrival. He
|
||
enters and finds the place lit with candles and dinner on the table.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh my good God.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey! Continuing the countdown of your favorite meals. Tonight, No. 3,
|
||
macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Look, you have done enough! Okay? You have to stop this now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I will! But not tonight. For dinner music, I thought we could listen to
|
||
that tape you made me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, the mixed tape.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Monica pushes play and <i>The Way You Look Tonight</i> starts to play.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> <i>The Way You Look Tonight</i> <b>is</b> on here! Dance with me?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(He hesitates, then goes over to dance with her.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You are just the sweetest. (They kiss.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Suddenly, a strange and familiar voice comes out of the tape player. Here’s a
|
||
hint, OH…MY…GAWD!! That’s right, it’s Janice!)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Janice:</b> I love the way you look <b>every</b> night Chandler! (Monica breaks the
|
||
kiss and Chandler freezes in terror.) That’s why I made you this tape! Happy
|
||
Birthday! Love Janice!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No! You’re the sweetest! (He tries to kiss her but Monica backs
|
||
away with a look that could kill on her face.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: A women’s self-defense class, the instructor is just finishing a class.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Instructor:</b> Okay ladies, that ends today’s class, and let’s
|
||
remember, let’s be safe out there. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The women all clap and start to leave as Ross comes up to the instructor. Apparently
|
||
he was hiding in the back.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> It’s a great class.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Instructor:</b> Thanks.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, yeah, I was watching. (The instructor just nods and walks away.)
|
||
Umm, hey, a couple of questions though. Umm, about that-that-that last move where the
|
||
woman tripped you and then pinned you to the floor, what-what-what-what would you do next?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Instructor:</b> Well, she would take her keys and try to jam them…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No. No-no. No. What would <b>you</b> do next?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Instructor:</b> Who? Me the attacker?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yes that’s right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Instructor:</b> Why?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I tired attacking two women, did not work.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Instructor:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No, I mean it’s okay, I mean, they’re-they’re my friends.
|
||
In fact, I-I-I was married to one of them.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Instructor:</b> Let me get this straight man, you attacked your ex-wife?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, no! No-no! No, I tired! But I couldn’t. That’s why I’m
|
||
here. Maybe we could attack them together? (He glares at him.) That-that’s a no.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is trying to explain himself to Monica.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I am so, so, so, so sorry!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (not buying it) Uh-huh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> And I will cook anything you want in here (points to the kitchen), and
|
||
do anything in there! (Points to the bedroom.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (pointing to the kitchen) Yeah you will! (Points to the bedroom) And,
|
||
are you kiddin’ me?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Come on Monica, it’s our Valentine’s Day. Please?
|
||
Please-please, please?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay. (They hug.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Janice’s Voice:</b> (singing) <i>My funny valentine, sweet comic valentine! You
|
||
make me high over my heart!</i></p><i>
|
||
</i>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Monica breaks the hug and starts for the bedroom.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> So, are we going in there?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I am!! (Enter her room and closes the door behind her.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Janice’s Voice:</b> (singing) <i>You’re look for laughable…</i>(She does
|
||
the now patented Janice laugh.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Ending Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The street in front of Central Perk, Ross is walking up and sees two women that
|
||
look like Phoebe and Rachel from behind.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Ah-ha, nowhere to run! (He starts to run towards them.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting up by the window because two guys
|
||
have their couch.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I don’t like sitting up here! I’m just gonna over… (She
|
||
starts to get up.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (stopping her) No Rachel! They got here first!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross appears at the window behind them crouched behind a garbage can and ready to
|
||
spring his attack on who he thinks are Phoebe and Rachel. The camera cuts to the exterior
|
||
view and Phoebe and Rachel call the shots from inside.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Why is Ross doing that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> <b>DANGER</b>!!!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my God! Why is he jumping on those women!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> We should help him!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I… Well, I don’t think they need any help.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross starts to scream and run away. He stops in front of the window of Central Perk to
|
||
check the pursuit and notices Phoebe and Rachel inside looking at him. He mouths,
|
||
"What?" Then realizes that the women he attacked are closing in so he screams
|
||
and runs away.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |