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<!-- saved from url=(0055)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season1/123birth.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<title>The One With the Birth</title>
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<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
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<body bgcolor="white" text="black" link="green" vlink="black" alink="yellow" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One With the Birth</h1>
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<hr align="center">
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<p>Story by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman<br>
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Teleplay by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Mindy Mattingly Phillips</a><br>
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With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein</p>
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<hr>
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<font size="3">
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<p>[Scene: The hospital, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are in the waiting room,
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waiting for Carol and Susan to arrive.] </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> She's not here yet. She's not here. She's having my baby and she's not
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here.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I'm sure everything's fine. Has her water broke yet?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the
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mucus plug.</p>
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<p>(Joey makes a sound of absolute disgust.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Do we have to know about that?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the
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50's.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> God, I don't believe this. She could be giving birth in the cab.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, Ross, relax. It's probably like two dollars for the first
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contraction, and then fifty cents for each additional contraction.</p>
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<p>(Everyone looks at Rachel as though she made a tasteless comment.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What, it's ok when Chandler does it?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You have to pick your moments.</p>
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<p>(Phoebe arrives, guitar in hand.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Did I miss it, did I miss it?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> She's not even here yet.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What's with the guitar?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I just thought we might be here for awhile. You know, things might get
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musical.</p>
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<p>(Carol and Susan arrive.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (to Carol) Where the hell have you been?</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> We stopped at the gift shop.</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> I was looking at stuffed animals, and Susan wanted a <i>Chunky</i>.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Susan wanted a <i>Chunky</i>. We're having a baby, ok, a baby, you don't
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stop for <i>Chunky</i>s.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I used to have that bumper sticker.</p>
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<p>(Everyone is amused by Chandler's comment.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (to Rachel) You see what I mean.</p>
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<p align="center"><b>Opening Credits</b></p>
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<p>[Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Carol is on the bed, Ross and Susan are at her side.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Stopped for a <i>Chunky</i>.</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Let it go, Ross.</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> I got an extra one. You want this? (holds the candy in front of Ross'
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face)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (weakly) No.</p>
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<p>(Carol's doctor, Dr. Franzblau arrives.)</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Franzblau:</b> Hey, how's my favorite parenting team doing?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Dr. Franzblau, hi.</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Franzblau:</b> So, I understand you're thinking of having a baby? Well, I see
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you're nine months pregnant. That's a good start. How you doing with your contractions?</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Oh, I love them. Each one's like a little party in my uterus.</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> They're every four minutes and last 55 seconds.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> 59 seconds. (holds up his watch) Quartz, ha.</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> Swiss quartz, ha, ha.</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Am I allowed to drink anything?</p>
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<p><b>Dr. Franzblau:</b> Ice chips, just ice chips. They're at the nurses' station.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I'll get it.</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> No, I'm getting it. I'll be right back.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I got it<69>I'm getting it!</p>
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<p>(They both leave just as Rachel enters the room, holding a cup.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi, I thought you might like some ice chips.</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Thanks.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> And if you need anything else, I<>(notices the handsome Dr.
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Franzblau)<29>do not believe we've met. Hi. I'm, uh, Rachel Green. I'm Carol's...
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ex-husband's... sister's roommate. </p>
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<p><b>Dr. Franzblau:</b> It is nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau. I'm your roommate's...
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brother's... ex-wife's obstetrician.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, that's funny!</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Waiting Room, Chandler is falling asleep on Monica's shoulder.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I want a baby.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Get up. Come on. Let's get some coffee.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that.</p>
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<p>(Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey, watching the Knicks/Celtics game on
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television.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (to the screen) Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot, or just fall down. That's good
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too.</p>
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<p>(A young pregnant woman enters.)</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> Knick fan?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> Oh, boy, do they suck.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey, listen, lady....(sees that she's pregnant)...whoa.</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> Look, look at your man, Ewing. Nice shot. You know what, he couldn't hit
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water if he was standing on a boat.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh yeah? And who do you like?</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> The Celtics.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> The Celtics? Ha. They couldn't hit a boat if...wait. They suck, alright?</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> Oh, shut up. You know, it's a rebuilding year. You... waah!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey, we need a father over here! We
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need a father!</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> There is no father.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, oh, oh, sorry.</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> Ok, that's ok. I'm fine. I'm... oh!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other pregnant women seem to be goin'
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in here.</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> Ok.</p>
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<p>(Joey accompanies Lydia to a hospital room.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Waiting Room, Phoebe is playing a song. Chandler, Monica, and Ross are
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there as well.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (singing) </p>
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<blockquote>
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<blockquote>
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<i></i><p><i>They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch,<br>
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and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much. <br>
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Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why, <br>
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you cry and you cry and you cry. <br>
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And you cry and you cry and you cry...</i></p>
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</blockquote>
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</blockquote>
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<p>(Ross gives Phoebe a dollar.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Thanks, Ross.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ok.</p>
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<p>(A woman passes by, carrying newborn twins.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You'll get one.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh yeah? When?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are
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married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Why won't I be married when I'm 40?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, no, no.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (trapped) Uh, uh.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back
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of the chair he was sitting in)</p>
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<p>(Rachel enters, in a formal dress.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey. Ooh, look at you, dressy-dress.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Did you go home and change?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, well, it's an important day. I wanna look nice. Um, has uh Dr.
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Franzblau been by?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No, I haven't seen him.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. (Pause) What if the baby
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needs him?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your
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father a doctor? </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, why?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No reason. (turns around, makes an 'Oh my God' gesture with his eyes)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Joey and Lydia in the hospital room. Lydia is on the phone with her mother.]</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> Mom, we've been through this. No, I'm not calling him. I don't care if it
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is his kid, the guy's a jerk. No, I'm not alone. Joey's here. (pause) What do you mean,
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Joey who? (covers the phone, to Joey) Joey who?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Tribbiani.</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> Joey Tribbiani. Yes, ok. Hold on. (to Joey) She wants to talk to you.
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Take the phone.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (takes phone) Hi, yeah, it's me. (Listens) Oh, no no no, we're just
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friends. (Listens) Yeah, I'm single. (Listens) 25. (Listens) An actor. (Listens) Hello?</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> She's not much of a phone person.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, so, uh, so, uh, what's the deal with this father guy, I mean, if
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someone was havin' my baby somewhere, I'd wanna know about it, you know?</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your views on fatherhood? Uh, no. </p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Ok, look, maybe I should just go.</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> Maybe you should.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Good luck, and uh, take care, huh? </p>
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<p>(He leaves, but then returns a moment later.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> You know what the Celtics problem is? They let the players run the team.</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> Oh, that is so not true.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, it is.</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> It isn't.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> It is.</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> Isn't!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Ross and Susan are coaching Carol.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Breathe.</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> Breathe.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Breathe.</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> Breathe.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Breathe.</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> Breathe.</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> You're gonna kill me!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> 15 more seconds, 14, 13, 12...</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Count faster.</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> It's gonna be ok, just remember, we're doing this for Jordie. Just keep
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focusing on Jordie.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Who the hell is Jordie?</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> Your son.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No-no-no. I don't have a son named Jordie. We all agreed, my son's name is
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Jamie.</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Well, Jamie was the name of Susan's first girlfriend, so we went back to
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Jordie.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What? Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean,<b> back</b> to Jordie? We
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never <b>landed</b> on Jordie. We just passed by it during the whole Jessy, Cody, Dylan
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fiasco.</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp, leg cramp.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I got it.</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> I got it.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I get the cramps.</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> No, you don't.</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> All right, that's it. I want both of you out.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Why?</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> He started it!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No, you started it.</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> You did!</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> I don't care. I am trying to get a person out of my body here, and you're
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not making it any easier.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> But...</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> Now go!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (to Susan) Thanks a lot.</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> (to Ross) See what you did.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (to Carol) Yeah, listen...</p>
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<p><b>Carol:</b> <b>Out</b>! </p>
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<p>(Ross and Susan both angrily leave the hopsital room.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Lydia's Hospital Room, Joey is helping Lydia go through labor, a nurse is now
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present in her room as well.]</p>
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<p><b>Nurse:</b> Breathe, breathe, breathe...</p>
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<p><b>Lydia:</b> Oh, no.</p>
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<p>(Joey looks down at Lydia.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Ew! What is that? Something exploded!</p>
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<p><b>Nurse:</b> It's just her water breaking. Calm down, will you?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (panicked) Water breaking, what do you mean? What's that, water breaking?</p>
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<p><b>Nurse:</b> (to Joey) Breathe, breathe, breathe.</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Hall, Ross and Susan are arguing.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Please. This is so your fault.</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> How, how is this my fault?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You tryin' to be clever? A funny lady?</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> You know what your problem is? You're threatened by me.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, I'm threatened by you?</p>
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<p><b>Susan:</b> Yes.</p>
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<p>(Phoebe has heard them arguing and comes down the hall, taking them into a broom
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closet.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey, hey, ok, all right, that's it! Get in here. Come on. My god, you
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guys, I don't believe you. There are children coming into the world in this very building
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and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just
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stop all the yelling, just stop it!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, Susan.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Don't make me do this again, I don't like my voice like this.</p>
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<p>(Phoebe goes to leave the room, but the door is locked.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ok, who wants to hear something ironic?</p>
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<p align="center"><b>Commercial Break</b></p>
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<p>[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross and Susan are trying to get out.]</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Help!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I'm having a baby in here! Ok, everyone stand back. (Walks backwards as if
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||
he is going to break down the door, but steps in a bucket and falls) Ow.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Carol's room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau are there with her.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Are they here yet?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No, honey, they're not, but don't worry, because we are going to find
|
||
them, and until we do, we are all here for you, ok?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Ok.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ok?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Ok.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (to Dr. Franzblau) Ok, so anyway, you were telling me about Paris, it
|
||
sounds fascinating.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Franzblau:</b> It really was. There was this great little pastry shop right by
|
||
my hotel. (Carol sits up in pain, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau casually lay her back down)
|
||
There you go, dear. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Lydia's Room, Joey is helping her deliver.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push! Push 'em out, push 'em out, harder,
|
||
harder. Push 'em out, push 'em out, way out! Let's get that ball and really move, hey,
|
||
hey, ho, ho. Let's<> (notices the nurse looking at him strangely) I was
|
||
just<EFBFBD>yeah, right. Push! Push! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has picked up a vacuum and is holding it at the door.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Susan:</b> What're you gonna do, suck the door open?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Help! Help!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (singing) <i>They found their bodies the very next day, they found their
|
||
bodies the very next...(sees Ross and Susan staring at her) la la la la la la.</i></p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Susan and Ross:</b> (even louder) Help!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Waiting Room, Monica is on the phone with her mother, Chandler is standing
|
||
behind her.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Now, Mom, everything's going fine, really. (Listens) Yeah, Ross is
|
||
great. He's uh, he's in a whole other place. (Listens) No, he's gone. (Listens) No no, you
|
||
don't have to fly back, really. (Listens) What do you mean this might be your only chance?
|
||
(Listens) Would you stop? I'm only 26, I'm not even thinking about babies yet. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Monica sees a woman pass by with a baby, puts the phone to her chest, and starts to
|
||
cry. Chandler takes the phone, makes a noise in it resembling static, and hangs up. Joey
|
||
enters.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Where have you been?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, just had a baby.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Mazel tov!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Waiting Room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau have gone to get coffee.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Franzblau:</b> I don't know, could be an hour, could be three, but relax, she's
|
||
doing great. So, uh, tell me, are you currently involved with anyone?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (anxiously) No, no, not at the moment, no, I'm not. Are you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Franzblau:</b> No, it's hard enough to get women to go out with me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Right, yeah, I've heard that about cute doctors.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Franzblau:</b> No, no, really. I suppose it's because I spend so much time, you
|
||
know, where I do.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Franzblau:</b> I try not to let my work affect my personal life, but it's hard,
|
||
when you... do what I do. It's like uh...Well, for instance, what do you do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I'm a waitress.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Franzblau:</b> Ok, all right, well aren't there times when you come home at the
|
||
end of the day, and you're just like, 'if I see one more cup of coffee'...</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (getting the point) Yeah. Gotcha.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Franzblau:</b> I'm gonna go check up on your friend.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ok. That's fine. (takes her earrings out)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Hall Outside Lydia's Room, Joey is walking up to Lydia's room with
|
||
balloons, but before he enters he sees that the baby's father has arrived. He listens at
|
||
the door.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Lydia:</b> So how did you know I was even here?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guy:</b> Your mom called me. So is this her?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Lydia:</b> No, this is a loaner.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guy:</b> I'm sorry you had to do this by yourself.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Lydia:</b> I wasn't by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse, and a helper guy. (Joey
|
||
smiles) So, did you see who won the game?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guy:</b> Yeah, the Knicks by 10. They suck.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Lydia:</b> Yeah, they're not so bad.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to the knob. Then he walks away, holding
|
||
the hand of an inflated balloon animal he had brought.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross is trying to open the door with a credit card, with no
|
||
success.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. (to Susan) This is all
|
||
your fault. This is supposed to be, like, the greatest day of my life, y'know? My son is
|
||
being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Susan:</b> The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been waiting for this just
|
||
as much as you have.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No no no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have,
|
||
ok? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with
|
||
the baby, ok? Where does that leave me?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Susan:</b> You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I?
|
||
There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no... Lesbian Lover Day.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> This is so great.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You wanna explain that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my
|
||
mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to
|
||
make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care
|
||
about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not
|
||
even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. (pause) I'm
|
||
sorry, you were fighting.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Carol's Room, she is ready to give birth. Everyone is there except for Phoebe,
|
||
Ross, and Susan, who are in the broom closet.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Where are they?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I'm sure they'll be here soon.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, honey, they wouldn't miss this.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Relax. You're only at nine centimeters. And the baby's at zero station.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (to Joey) You are really frightening me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Carol suddenly screams in pain and grabs Chandler by the shirt.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to rip out my heart. (they pull her
|
||
hand off of him) Uh, that's great. (looking around) Anybody seen a nipple?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Franzblau:</b> All right, ten centimeters, here we go.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Nurse:</b> All right, honey, time to start pushing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> But they're not here yet!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Franzblau:</b> I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to wait for them.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Oh, god.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has used a broom to open the air vent in the ceiling.
|
||
Phoebe is wearing a janitor's uniform, ready to go up in the vent.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Ok, got the vent open.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (reading the nametag on the uniform) Hi, I'm Ben. I'm hospital worker
|
||
Ben. It's Ben... to the rescue!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Ben, you ready? All right, gimme your foot. Ok, on three, Ben. One, two,
|
||
three. Ok, That's it, Ben.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross and Susan lift Phoebe up into the vent.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Susan:</b> What do you see?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is in
|
||
fact a dark vent.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(A janitor opens the closet door from the outside.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Phoebs, It's open! It's open!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross and Susan run to the delivery room, leaving Phoebe dangling from the vent.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janitor:</b> (to Ross and Susan) Wait! You forgot your legs!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Carol's Room, Ross and Susan rush in.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>All:</b> Push, push!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> We're here!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> (irked) Where have you been?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Long story, honey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Franzblau:</b> All right, Carol, I need you to keep pushing. I
|
||
need<EFBFBD>(reaches for an instrument, Rachel's hand is on it) Excuse me, could I have
|
||
this?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Nurse:</b> All right, all right, there's a few too many people in this room, and
|
||
there's about to be one more, so anybody who's not an ex-husband or a lesbian life
|
||
partner, out you go!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>All:</b> Good luck!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Everyone heads for the door.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (to nurse) Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol's lesbian life
|
||
partner?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Nurse:</b> Out!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Franzblau:</b> All right, he's crowning. Here he comes.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Let me see, I gotta see, I gotta see. Oh, a head. Oh, it's, it's huge.
|
||
Carol, how are you doing this?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> (straining) Not.... helping!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Dr. Franzblau:</b> You're doing great, you're doing fine. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (puts his head near the baby) Hello! (to Dr. Franzblau) Oh, sorry.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Susan:</b> What do you see? What do you see?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> We got a head, we got shoulders, we got arms, we got, oh, look at the
|
||
little fingers, oh, and a chest, and a stomach. It's a boy, definitely a boy! All right!
|
||
Ok, legs, knees, and feet. Oh, oh. He's here. He's a person.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Susan:</b> Oh, look at that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> What does he look like?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Kinda like my uncle Ed, covered in <i>Jell-o</i>.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Really?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (from the air vent overhead) You guys, he's beautiful!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, thanks, Pheebs!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They look up towards the vent and wave at Phoebe.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Delivery Room, Carol is holding the infant.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Susan:</b> No shouting, but we still need a name for this little guy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (thinking) How 'bout Ben?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Susan:</b> I like Ben.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Carol:</b> Ben. Ben. Ben's good. How come you never mentioned Ben before?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> We uh, we just cooked it up.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Susan:</b> That's what we were off doing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Monica opens the door.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hi.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Can we come in?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The whole gang enters.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (to Ben) I know, I know. Everybody, there's someone I'd like you to meet.
|
||
Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Susan, he looks just like you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Susan:</b> Thanks.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, god, I can't believe one of us actually has one of these.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I know, I still am one of these.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Ross, can I?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Monica holds Ben.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> The head, the head. You gotta...</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (getting choked up) Hi, Ben. Hi. I'm your Aunt Monica. Yes I am. I'm
|
||
your Aunt Monica. I...I will always have gum.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><b>Closing Credits</b></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Hospital, the camera is placed as though it were Ben's eyes.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be
|
||
around, like this. (walks out of the picture) But I'll still always come back, like this.
|
||
(returns) And sometimes I may be away longer, like this. (walks away) But I'll still
|
||
always come back, like this. (returns) </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Chandler comes into the picture.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> And sometimes, I'll want you to steal third, and I'll go like this.
|
||
(Does a baseball sign.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The rest of the group come into the picture.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> He is so amazing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, I know. Look at him.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Ben, Ben, hey Ben. Nothing. I don't think that's his name.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes. (screen goes blank) Look, he's
|
||
opening his eyes. (picture comes back) </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> He doesn't do much, does he?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No, this is pretty much it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(long moment of silence)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> You guys wanna get some coffee?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>All:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> All right, I'll see you guys later.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They all leave but Ross, but they all come back a few seconds later. They make faces
|
||
at the baby.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, look, he's closing his eyes again.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The screen fades to black.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><b>End</b></p>
|
||
</font>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |