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<!-- saved from url=(0055)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season1/115towsg.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<title>The One With the Stoned Guy</title>
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<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
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<body bgcolor="white" text="black" link="green" vlink="black" alink="yellow" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One With the Stoned Guy</h1>
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<hr align="center">
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<p>Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss <br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Ruth Curran</a></p>
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<hr>
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<font size="3">
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving Joey, Ross, and Monica their drinks.]</p>
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<p><strong>Rachel: </strong>(to Joey) Coffee. (Hands it to him.)</p>
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<p><strong>Joey:</strong> Thank you.</p>
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<p><strong>Rachel: </strong>(to Ross) Cappuccino. (Hands it to him.) </p>
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<p><strong>Ross: </strong>Grazie.</p>
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<p><strong>Rachel:</strong> And a nice hot cider for Monica. (Hands it to her.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Aww, thank you. (Notices something.) Uh Rach?</p>
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<p><strong>Rachel:</strong> Yeah?</p>
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<p><strong>Monica:</strong> Why does my cinamon stick have an eraser?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh! That's why. (Rachel checks behind her ear, and finds a cinamon
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stick.) I'm sorry!</p>
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<p>(She takes the pencil out of Monica's coffee and Monica puts her cup down in disgust.)</p>
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<h3 align="center">Opening Credits</h3>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler's job, Chandler is typing data into his computer, he keeps typing even
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while taking a drink of coffee with one hand. One of his co-workers walks by.]</p>
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<p><b>Woman:</b> Chandler.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Mrs. Tedlock. You're looking lovely today. And may I say, that is a <b>very</b>
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flattering sleeve length on you.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Tedlock:</b> Yes. Well, Mr. Kostelick wants you to stop by his office at the
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end of the day.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do
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with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. (Chandler tries to hide a rubber chicken from
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the woman.) Nothing.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Chandler. Phoebe runs in, excitedly.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey you guys! Chandler's coming and he says he has, like, this
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incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, you know...</p>
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<p>(Chandler comes in.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Never mind. But it was going to be really good.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What's going on?</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> What is it?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> So, it's a typical day at work. I'm inputting my numbers, and big Al
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calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor.</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> That's great!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> So.... I quit.</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Why?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Why? This was supposed to be a temp job!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, Chandler... you've been there for five years.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I
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actually do.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> So was it a lot more money?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in
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his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.</p>
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<p>(Everyone looks at him, confused.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> ... the WENUS?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (sarcastic) Oh. That WENUS.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> So what're you going to do?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know what I want to do. I just
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know I'm not going to figure it out working there.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oooh! I have something you can do! I have this new massage client...
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Steve? (pause) Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he's looking for a head chef.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (taps Phoebe on her shoulder) Um... hi there.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hi! (turns back to Chandler, then to Monica) Oh, yeah, no, I know.
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You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a
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job right now, so....</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah... I just don't have that much cheffing experience. Unless it's
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an all-toast restaurant.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (to Monica's tapping) Yeah, yeah! </p>
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<p><strong>Monica:</strong> Well, what kind of food is he looking for?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, he wants to do some ecclectic, so he's looking for someone who
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can, you know, create the entire menu.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (excited) Oh my God!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, I know! (turns to Chandler) So, what do you think?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really see myself in a big white hat.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> OK. (pause) Oh Monica! Guess what!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in, wearing a suit.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Can you see my nipples through this shirt?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Where are you going, Mr. Suity-Man?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career
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counselor a-gogo. (pause) I added the "a-gogo."</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Career counselor?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I don't!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey, you guys <b>in the living room</b> all know what you want to do.
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You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech.</p>
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<p>(Monica enters, excited.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, I love my life, I love my life!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ooh! <em>Brian's Song</em>!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> The meeting with the guy went great?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this,
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it's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kind of
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like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me
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because then you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' and make yummy noises.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What are you going to make?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (as though Rachel wasn't paying attention) Yummy noises.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (pause) And Monica, what are <b>you</b> going to make?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be so great!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ooh! I know what you could make! (runs over to join Monica and Rachel in
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the kitchen) I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the
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stuff? (Monica doesn't know.) You know, that thing... with the stuff...? OK, I don't know.
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(sits down)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> OK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Who are you going out with?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, is this the bug lady?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (trying to sound like a bug) Bzzzz.... I love you, Ross.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She's curator of insects at the
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museum.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> So what are you guys going to do?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her
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back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> And he's <b>not</b> speaking metaphorically.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (aside to Ross) So.... back to your place...you thinking, maybe...
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(gestures with hands, back and forth) huh-huh?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, I don't know.... (gestures) huh-huh.... but I'm hoping (gestures)
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huh-huh.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I'm telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! She's going to take one
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look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Ross's apartment, Marcel is hanging from Celia's hair, and she is screaming,
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trying to get him off.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Celia, don't worry! Don't scream! He's not going to hurt you!
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Soothing tones, Celia. Soothing tones! Marcel...</p>
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<p><b>Celia:</b> I can't stand this! He's got his claws in my...</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Alright... (lifts Marcel away)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Ross and Chandler. Monica is making
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food, and having everyone try it.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (to Joey) OK, try this salmon mousse.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (tasting) Mmmm. Good.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Is it better than the other salmon mousse?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> It's creamier.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, well, is that <b>better</b>?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I don't know. We're talking about whipped fish, Monica. I'm just happy I'm
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keeping it down, y'know?</p>
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<p>(Chandler kicks the door closed, angrily. His clothes are askew, he looks beat.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> My God! What happened to you?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests,
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personality tests... and what do I learn? (he taps the results and reads them) "You
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are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational
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corporation."</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> That's so great! 'Cause you already know how to do that!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Can you believe it? I mean, don't I seem like somebody who should be
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doing something really <b>cool</b>? You know, I just always pictured myself doing
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something...something.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (comes up and rubs him on the chest) Oh Chandler, I know, I know... oh,
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hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (brings a plate of tiny appetizers over) Here you go, maybe this'll
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cheer you up.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split
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this with you.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer. The French call it
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an <em>amouz-bouche.</em> </p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (tastes it) Well.... it is amouz-ing...</p>
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<p>(Phone rings. Monica answers it.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Wendy! (Listens) Yeah, eight o'clock.
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(Listens) What did we say? Ten dollars an hour?... (Listens) OK, great. (Listens) All
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right, I'll see you then. Bye. (hangs up)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ten dollars an hour for what?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, I asked one of the waitresses at work if she'd help me out.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (hurt) Waitressing?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh-oh.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well... of course I thought of you! But... but...</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> But, but?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> But, you see, it's just... this night has to go just perfect, you know?
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And, well, Wendy's more of a... professional waitress.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh! I see. And I've sort of been maintaining my amateur status so that I
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can waitress in the Olympics.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in
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'76. (dead silence) <em>Amouz-bouche</em>? (holds out tray)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Ross' apartment, <em>Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon </em>(the original, not that
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cruddy Urge Overkill version) is playing. Ross and Celia are kissing passionately.]</p>
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<p><b>Celia:</b> Talk to me.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> OK.... um, a weird thing happened to me on the train this morning...</p>
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<p><b>Celia:</b> No no no. Talk... dirty.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (embarrassed) Wha... what, here?</p>
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<p><b>Celia:</b> Yes...</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ah....</p>
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<p><b>Celia:</b> Say something..... <b>hot</b>.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (panicked) Er.... um..... </p>
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<p><b>Celia:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Um... uh.... vulva.</p>
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<h3 align="center">Commercial Break</h3>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Ross are there, discussing what happened last
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night.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (in disbelief) <b>Vulva</b>?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Alright, I panicked, alright? She took me by surprise. You know, but it
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wasn't a total loss. I mean, we ended up cuddling.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (sarcastic) Whoaa!! You cuddled? How many times??</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind
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of guy, you know?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> What's the big deal? You just say what you want to do to her. Or what you
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want her to do to you. Or what you think other people might be doing to each other. I'll
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tell you what. Just try something on me.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (deadpan) Please be kidding.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Why not? Come on! Just, just close your eyes and tell me what you'd like
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to be doing right now.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> OK. (closes eyes) I'm in my apartment...</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> ....yeah... what else?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> That's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not there, we're not having this
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conversation. (gets up, walks across room)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (walks to catch up to him) Alright, look, I'll start, OK?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Joey, please.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Come on. Come on. Alright, ready, look! (in a low voice) Oh... Ross....
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you get me so hot. I want your lips on me <b>now</b>.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (impressed) Wow.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Alright, now you say something.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I... ahem... I really don't think so.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Come on! You like this woman, right?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> You want to see her again, right?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Sure.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Well if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you going to talk dirty to her?
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Now tell me you want to caress my butt!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> OK, turn around. (Joey looks taken aback) I just don't want you staring at
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me when I'm doing this.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (turning around) Alright, alright. I'm around. Go ahead.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ahem... I want.... OK, I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my
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lips.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> There you go! Keep going. Keep going!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I, er...</p>
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<p>(At this point, Chandler walks into the living room from his bedroom. Ross and Joey
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both have their backs to him, so they don't notice. Chandler sees the situation and
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remains quiet, watching.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I want to take my tongue... and... </p>
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<p>(Chandler is completely astounded.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> ....and....</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Say it... say it!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> ...run it all over your body until you're... trembling with... with...</p>
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<p>(Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross and Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both
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notice at the same time. They slowly stop, and then very slowly turn around to see
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Chandler staring at them.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (smiling)....with??</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (rushing to explain) Funny story!</p>
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<p><strong>Joey:</strong> You're not going to believe this!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get
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together.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called
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again.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Again?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> And again, and again, and again... (phone rings, he answers) Hello? (hands
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phone to Chandler) And again.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor?
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(Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens
|
|
from your own home, you know? (Listens) Well, that's very generous (Listens) er, but look,
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this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I
|
|
can really care about.... (Listens) And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you
|
|
mentioned earlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is
|
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not a negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm
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telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! (Listens) I'll see you on
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Monday! (slams the phone down)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler's new window office, he is showing Phoebe around.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (excited) Wow! It's huge! It's so much bigger than the cubicle. Oh, this
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is a cube.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of New York City)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh! You have a window!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes indeedy! (they look outside) With a beautiful view of...</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh look! That guy's peeing!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (walks away from window) OK, that's enough of the view. Check this
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|
out, look at this. Sit down, sit down.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (sitting) OK.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> This is great! (he presses a button on his intercom) Helen, could you
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come in here for a moment? </p>
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<p>(An unamused woman walks into the office.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Thank you Helen, that'll be all.</p>
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<p>(She leaves, obviously perturbed.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Last time I do that, I promise.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone. Rachel walks in and overhears the
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|
conversation.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (shouting on phone) Wendy, we had a deal! (Listens) Yeah, you promised!
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Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! (hangs up)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Who was that?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Wendy bailed. I have no waitress.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh... that's too bad. Bye bye. (she walks away towards the door)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Ten dollars an hour.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Twelve dollars an hour.</p>
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|
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Mon. I wish I could, but I've made plans to walk around.</p>
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|
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|
<p><b>Monica:</b> You know, Rachel, when you ran out of your wedding, I was there for you.
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|
I put a roof over your head, and if that means nothing to you... (Rachel isn't buying it,
|
|
desperate) twenty dollars an hour.</p>
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|
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|
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Done.</p>
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|
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|
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later. Rachel is waitressing, Monica is cooking. Phoebe
|
|
walks in with Steve (<em>Crystal Duck</em> winner Jon Lovitz).]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well hello! Welcome to Monica's. May I take your coat?</p>
|
|
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|
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hi Steve!</p>
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|
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|
<p><b>Steve:</b> Hello, Monica. (to Rachel) Hello, greeter girl.</p>
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|
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|
<p><b>Monica:</b> (to Steve) This is Rachel.</p>
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|
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|
<p><b>Steve:</b> (unconcerned) Yeah, OK.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (overemphasizing) Mmmmmm! Everything smells so delicious! You know, I
|
|
can't remember a time I smelt such a delicious combination of (Monica signals her to stop)
|
|
of, OK, smells.</p>
|
|
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|
<p><b>Steve:</b> It's a lovely apartment.</p>
|
|
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|
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, thank you. Would you like a tour?</p>
|
|
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|
<p><b>Steve:</b> I was just being polite, but, alright. </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>(They leave on the tour and Rachel goes to follow them but Phoebe stops her and drags
|
|
her into the kitchen.)</p>
|
|
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|
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What's up?</p>
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|
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|
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (whispers) In the cab, on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?</p>
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|
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|
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? Weed? Hemp? Ganja?</p>
|
|
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|
<p><b>Rachel:</b> OK, OK. I'm with you, Cheech. OK.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> (from the living room) Is it dry in here? (licks his lips)</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Let me, let me get you some wine!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, I think we're ready for our first course. (Steve sits, Monica
|
|
brings over a tray) OK, um, these are rot-shrimp ravioli, and celantro pondou sauce...
|
|
(Steve starts to eat them one by one, quickly)... with just a touch of mints... and... (he
|
|
finishes)... ginger.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> Well, smack my ass and call me Judy! These are fantastic!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> I'm so glad you liked them!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> Like 'em? I could eat a hundred of them!</p>
|
|
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|
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, well... um, that's all there are of these. But in about eight and a
|
|
half minutes, we'll be serving some delicious onion tartlets.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> Tartlets. Tartlets. Tartlets. The word has lost all meaning. (he gets up
|
|
and goes into the kitchen)</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Excuse me? Can I help you with anything?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> You know, I don't know what I'm looking for. </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>(Rachel tries to get Monica's attention to tell her Steve is stoned. She pretends to
|
|
drag on a joint, and Monica thinks she's giving her the 'OK' signal. Then Rachel does it
|
|
again, inhaling deeply this time. Monica waves it off as though she doesn't believe it.)</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> (from kitchen) Ah, cool! Taco shells! (Rachel motions, "You
|
|
see!") You know, these are... they're like a little corn envelope.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> (joining him and taking the taco shells) You know that? You don't want
|
|
to spoil your appetite.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> (looking in cabinets) Hey! Sugar-O's! (grabs the cereal box)</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> You know, if you just wait another... six and a half minutes...</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> No, we don't. (reaches for box) </p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> Oh, OK. (he drops the box on the floor) Oh, sorry. (When she bends down
|
|
to pick it up he grabs a package of Gummi-bears from the cabinet.) </p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> Why don't you just have a seat here? (he sits at the table, then tries
|
|
to secretly eat the Gummi-bears. Monica spots him.) OK... give me the Gummi-bears.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> (childishly) No.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> Give them to me.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> Alright, we'll share.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> No, give me the...</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> Well then you can't have any. (she grabs for the package, and it breaks
|
|
open. Gummi-bears fly everywhere, some into the punch bowl on the table.) Bear overboard!
|
|
I think he's drowning. (he throws some Sugar-O's into the punch bowl) Hey fellows! Grab on
|
|
a Sugar-O... save yourself! (Mimicking the bears) "Help! I'm drowning!
|
|
Help!"</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> (furious) That's it! Dinner is over!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> What?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> <b>What?</b></p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> Why?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> Why? It's just that I've waited seven years for an opportunity like
|
|
this, and you can't even wait four and a half minutes for a stupid onion tartlet?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>(The oven goes off.)</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> (excited) Hey!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, all are there except Chandler.]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Joey:</b> What a tool!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Rachel:</b> You don't want to work for a guy like that.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><strong>Ross:</strong> Yeah!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Monica:</b> I know... it's just... I thought this was, you know... it.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look, you'll get there. You're an amazing chef.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah! You know all those yummy noises? I wasn't faking.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>(Ross gets up and goes over to the counter and Joey follows him.)</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Joey:</b> (to Ross) So, er... how did it go with Celia?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, I was unbelievable.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Joey:</b> All right, Ross!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Ross:</b> I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth
|
|
you have <b>ever</b> heard. I mean, there were characters, plot lines, themes, a motif...
|
|
at one point there were villagers.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Joey:</b> Whoa! And the... (gestures with hands) huh-huh?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, ahem... you know, by the time we'd finished with all the dirty talk,
|
|
it was kinda late... and we were both kind of exhausted, so uh...</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Joey:</b> You cuddled.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, which was nice.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You guys wanna try and catch a late movie or something?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Maybe, but shouldn't we wait for Chandler?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, where the hell is he?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Scene: Chandler's office, he's on the phone, agitated.]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the
|
|
WENUS and I'm not happy!... (Listens) Oh, really, really, really? Well, let me tell you
|
|
something... you will care about it, because I care about it! You got it? Good! (slams
|
|
phone down, then leans back and realizes what just happened) Whooooaaaa....</p>
|
|
|
|
<h3 align="center">Closing Credits</h3>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Scene: Phoebe's massage parlour, she has Steve on the table, and is giving him an
|
|
extra-painful massage.]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> How's this? (presses down hard)</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> Eeeee!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Sorry. How about over here? (presses down hard again)</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> Aaaaah!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> See, that just means it's working. Does this hurt? (presses down
|
|
elsewhere)</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Steve:</b> No.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What about this? (she starts using her elbows on his back, he yells in
|
|
pain)</p>
|
|
</font>
|
|
|
|
<p><font size="3"><strong>Steve:</strong> Aaaaahhh!!</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p><font size="3"><strong>Phoebe:</strong> There you go! (She continues to work him over
|
|
with her elbows and he continues to yell in pain.)</font></p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="center"><strong><font size="3">End</font></strong></p>
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</body></html> |