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<title>Untitled Document</title>
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<body bgcolor="#FFFFFF" text="#000000" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<div align="center">THE ONE WITH THE PEDIATRICIAN </div>
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<p align="center"><br>
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WRITTEN BY: Brian Buckner and Sebastian Jones<br>
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DIRECTED BY: Roger Christiansen<br>
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TRANSCRIBED BY: Ane B. J.</p>
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<p>[SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment]</p>
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<p>(Ross and Rachel enter)</p>
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<p>Rachel: Hi!</p>
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<p>Ross: Hey! So what's the big news you had us rush all the way over here for?</p>
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<p>Chandler: Okay, our news. My company has asked me to head up our office in
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Tulsa , so as of Monday I'm being officially relocated.</p>
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<p>Ross: Oh my God!</p>
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<p>Phoebe: What?!</p>
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<p>Rachel: What?!</p>
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<p>Ross: Monday?!</p>
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<p>Joey: How long do you have to go for?</p>
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<p>Chandler: They said it could be up to a year.</p>
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<p>Joey: A year?!</p>
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<p>Rachel: (To Monica) Do you have to go?</p>
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<p>Monica: I kind of have to don't I? Because of this stupid thing (Points to
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her wedding ring.)</p>
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<p>Chandler: There is nothing like the support of your loving wife, huh?</p>
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<p>Joey: Wait a minute, you can't go to Tulsa. Maybe you forgot, but we've got
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tickets to the Jets game next week.</p>
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<p>Chandler: I'm sorry buddy, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it.</p>
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<p>Joey: We were gonna go see the Jets!</p>
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<p>Ross: You can't go, I mean you're the glue that holds this group together!</p>
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<p>Chandler: Really?</p>
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<p>Ross: Not you.</p>
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<p>Joey: I can't believe you guys are moving.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: I call their apartment!!!</p>
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<p>Everyone: No!!! Ah!! Ahh!!!</p>
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<p><br>
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[INTRO]</p>
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<p>[SCENE: Central Perk]</p>
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<p>Joey: Here you are (Hands Rachel a cup of coffee)</p>
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<p>Rachel: Thank you Joey. You know what? I'm not even sure I can have caffeine.</p>
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<p>Ross: I went thru this with Ben and Carol. One cup of coffee won't affect your
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milk.</p>
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<p>Rachel: Yeah. Just to be sure I'm gonna call Dr. Wiener.</p>
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<p>Joey: (Laughs)</p>
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<p>Rachel: Every time? (She takes up her cell phone and starts dialing.)</p>
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<p>Joey: Uhuh.</p>
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<p>Ross: Rach, you don't have to call whenever you have a little question, okay?
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Trust me, I know this.</p>
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<p>Rachel: All right, I trust you. (Continues to dial)</p>
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<p>Ross: Rachel, I can see you dialing! I don't understand why...</p>
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<p>Rachel: I'm on the phone! (On the phone) Dr. Wiener? (Ross and Rachel walk
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away)</p>
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<p>Joey: (Laughs)</p>
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<p>Phoebe: It's so weird seeing Ross and Rachel with a baby. It's just so grown
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up.</p>
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<p>Joey: I know, yeah. I feel like we're all growing up. Person named Wiener,
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God that kills me. (Laughs)</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Look at you all grown up.</p>
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<p>Joey: Actually, you know what? I am. That whole thing with Rachel made me realize
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that maybe I'm ready for a more serious relationship. You know? Like I'd like
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to meet a nice mature commitment-minded lady. And looks aren't as important
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as...Nah, she's gotta be hot.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: You know, I might know somebody. Hey, how about you set me up with
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someone, and we double date!</p>
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<p>Joey: I can do that, yeah. How is Friday?</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Done. Oh good, really?</p>
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<p>Joey: Yeah!</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Let's see! (Opens her address book.) Oh, you know who's great? Sandy
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Poophack.</p>
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<p>Joey: (Laughs) Poophack... (Laughs)</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Yeah... All right, well that rules out Lana Titweiller</p>
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<p>Joey: (Laughs)</p>
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<p>[SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment]</p>
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<p>Chandler: (Enters) Hey!</p>
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<p>Monica: Hey!</p>
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<p>Chandler: I've got good news!</p>
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<p>Monica: You got out of the whole Tulsa thing?</p>
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<p>Chandler: Okay, I have news. You don't have to move to Tulsa. You can stay
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here and keep your job.</p>
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<p>Monica: It's great! How?</p>
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<p>Chandler. Well my boss and I worked out a deal where I only have to be in Tulsa
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four days a week, so the other three I can be here with you.</p>
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<p>Monica: So you're gonna be gone four days a week? (Thinks about it.) No.</p>
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<p>Chandler: I'm sorry, are you just used to saying that?</p>
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<p>Monica: No. I can't be away from you for that long.</p>
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<p>Chandler: Really?</p>
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<p>Monica: Yeah, you're my husband. I'm not gonna live in a different state than
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you for 208 days out of the year.</p>
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<p>Chandler: That's fast math! We could use you in Tulsa.</p>
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<p>Monica: Honey, thanks for trying to figure out a way, but if you're going to
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Tulsa, I wanna go with you.</p>
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<p>Chandler: Hey, you said that without gagging!</p>
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<p>Monica: I know! (They high-five.)</p>
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<p>[SCENE: Ross and Rachel's apartment]</p>
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<p>Rachel: (On the phone) Excuse me? Oh yeah? Well, up yours too! (Hangs up)</p>
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<p>Ross: (Enters from his bedroom)Who the hell was that?!</p>
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<p>Rachel: Dr. Wiener.</p>
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<p>Ross: Rach, you can't call people at three in the morning.</p>
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<p>Rachel: Oh you know what, you sound just like his wife!</p>
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<p>Ross: Was there anything you did wrong with Emma?</p>
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<p>Rachel: Yes, of course there is! Okay? I'm not insane!</p>
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<p>Ross: Well, what was it?</p>
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<p>Rachel: Hiccups.</p>
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<p>Ross: Rach, I told you, you can't call him every time any little thing comes
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up.</p>
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<p>Rachel: Yeah well, not anymore I can't. He fired us! What are we gonna do?
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We have to find a pediatrician. Wait wait, Monica said that when you guys were
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growing up, you really liked your doctor. What was his name?</p>
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<p>Ross: Dr. Gettleman? Yeah I know, I don't think that's a good idea. In fact,
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I think he's dead.</p>
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<p>Rachel: Argh! Why does everything happen to me?!</p>
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<p>Ross: Rach, I promise first thing tomorrow we'll find another doctor, but I
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gotta get up early and I'm not feeling all that well.</p>
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<p>Rachel: What? What, do you mean you're not feeling well? What do you have?
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Is it Rubella? Because don't go near Emma, she has not had that shot.</p>
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<p>Ross: You know? Come to think of it, it does feel Rubella-like! (Walks back
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into his room.)</p>
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<p>Rachel: (Grabs the phone and stars dialing) (On phone) (In a high pitch voice)
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Wiener, Wiener (In a low pitch voice) Wiener, Wiener!!!</p>
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<p>Ross: (Comes back into the living room) Rachel!!!</p>
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<p>Rachel: Great! Now he's gonna know it was me!</p>
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<p>[SCENE: Joey's apartment]</p>
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<p>Phoebe: (Enters) Hey!</p>
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<p>Joey: Hey!</p>
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<p>Phoebe: So how is this for our big double date tonight? (She is all dressed
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up)</p>
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<p>Joey: (Realizes that he has forgotten all about the double date) Oh my God!</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Ooh, great! Just the reaction I was hoping for.</p>
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<p>Joey: Yeah, so you found someone for me. You didn't forget?</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Of course not! And you're gonna love Mary Ellen. She's really smart
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and cute and funny, and I can't tell you how I know this, but she' not opposed
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to threesomes. So tell me some about my guy.</p>
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<p>Joey: No.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Come on, give me something. What's his name?</p>
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<p>Joey: Mike.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Mike? Okay! What's his last name?</p>
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<p>Joey: Damnit! Is there no mystery left in romance anymore!?</p>
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<p>Phoebe: All right, we'll se you and Mike at the restaurant in a couple hours.</p>
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<p>Joey and Phoebe: (Ad-lib good-byes) (Phoebe leaves)</p>
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<p>Joey: Why did I have to say Mike? I don't know a Mike! Why couldn't I have
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said... (Looks through his address book) There's no guy in there!</p>
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<p>[SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment]</p>
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<p>Rachel: It's impossible to find a good doctor. I mean, how do you know the
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good ones from the ones who are gonna push their penis against your knee?</p>
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<p>Monica: Excuse me?</p>
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<p>Chandler: I know what she's talking about.</p>
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<p>Rachel: We've got to find a new pediatrician. Ross was getting sick last night,
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and I think Emma may have caught it.</p>
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<p>Monica: Why don't you go see Dr. Gettleman?</p>
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<p>Rachel: Ross said he died.</p>
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<p>Monica: He didn't die. I saw his daughter last week. Said he was fine. Her
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on the other hand, botched Botox.</p>
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<p>Rachel: Oh, great! Well, then I'm gonna take Emma to see him. I wonder why
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Ross said that he died.</p>
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<p>Monica: Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.</p>
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<p>Chandler: He saw a therapist?</p>
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<p>Monica: Yeah, he used to have this recurring nightmare, just really freaked
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him out.</p>
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<p>Rachel: Why? What was it?</p>
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<p>Monica: That I was going to eat him.</p>
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<p>[SCENE: Central Perk]</p>
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<p>(Joey walks in and looks around. He's trying to find a Mike for Phoebe) </p>
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<p>Joey: MIKE!!!</p>
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<p>Mike: Yeah?</p>
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<p>Joey: (Checks him out) Okay! (Walks over to his table and sits down with him)</p>
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<p>[SCENE: Restaurant]</p>
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<p>Mike: I gotta tell you, I can't believe I'm doing this with you. Although I
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did just get out of a nine-year relationship, so I guess I should be open and
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taking some risks.</p>
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<p>Joey: Everything is gonna be fine. Just follow my lead, okay? All you have
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to do is pretend to be Mike.</p>
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<p>Mike: I am Mike.</p>
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<p>Joey: Atta boy!</p>
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<p>(Phoebe and Mary Ellen enter.) </p>
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<p>Joey: Okay, look...</p>
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<p>Everyone: (Ad-lib hellos)</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Joey, this is Mary Ellen Jenkins. So, Mike, how do you and Joey know
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each other anyway?</p>
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<p>Mike: How do I and Joey know each other? Wow, if I had a nickel for every time
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somebody has asked me that.</p>
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<p>Joey: (Laughs) From school.</p>
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<p>Mike: Yeah, we met in college. (Off Joey's look) I mean, high school.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Wow, you guys go way back then. So what are you up to these days?</p>
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<p>Mike: Well, I'm a lawyer.</p>
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<p>Joey: Mike, 'attorney at law'!</p>
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<p>Mike: Actually, I just gave up my practice.</p>
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<p>Joey: What? That's the kinda thing you usually run by me.</p>
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<p>Mike: I always wanted to play piano professionally, and I figured if I don't
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do this now, I never will.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Wow, that's great! I liked that better than the law thing, so...</p>
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<p>Joey: Which is why I waited until now to introduce you to Mike.</p>
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<p>Mary Ellen: I thought you thought he was still a lawyer.</p>
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<p>Joey: No, no, that's not what I meant. Let's get you a cocktail.</p>
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<p>[SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment]</p>
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<p><br>
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(Monica Enters. Chandler is in the kitchen with his laptop) </p>
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<p>Monica: Hey!</p>
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<p>Chandler: Hey!</p>
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<p>Monica: What are you doing?</p>
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<p>Chandler: Looking for restaurant jobs for you in Tulsa.</p>
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<p>Monica: That's so sweet. Find anything?</p>
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<p>Chandler: Slim Pickings.</p>
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<p>Monica: Nothing, huh?</p>
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<p>Chandler: No, 'Slim Pickings', it's a barbecue restaurant. They're looking
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for a cook. Actually 'cook' may be a bit of a stretch. They're looking for someone
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to shovel mesquite.</p>
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<p>Monica: 'Slim Pickings'...That is so cheesy.</p>
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<p>Chandler: 'So Cheesy' also has an opening.</p>
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<p>Monica: Honey, that's okay. I actually know this woman, Nancy, who's a restaurant
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biz head-hunter. Maybe she'll know of something.</p>
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<p>Chandler: Can I just say how much I appreciate you coming with me. When we
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get to Tulsa I'm taking you for a great dinner at 'Slim Pickings'. 'So Cheesy'?
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'Whole Hog'? It's going to be tough to keep Kosher in Tulsa.</p>
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<p>Monica: (On phone) Hi, Nancy. Hi, it's Monica Geller. I'm good. Listen, I'm
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looking for a job in Tulsa. Well yeah, my husband has been relocated...Because
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I love him! No, I don't want a job in New York. Javo (sp?) is looking? Oh my
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God! He asked for me personally? Oh my God! Oh, wow, this is really flattering,
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but I'm moving to Tulsa. Yeah, so if you would tell Javo (sp?) 'I'll take it!'</p>
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<p>[SCENE: Pediatrician's office]</p>
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<p>Rachel: Hi, my name is Rachel Green, I have an appointment for Emma.</p>
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<p>Receptionist: Dr. Gettleman is finishing up with a patient, he should be out
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shortly.</p>
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<p>Dr. Gettleman: (To a patient) I think you just have a cold, it's definitely
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not Strep.</p>
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<p>Ross: Thanks doctor.</p>
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<p>Dr. Gettleman: Would you like a lollypop?</p>
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<p>Ross: You even have to ask?! (He grabs a lollypop out of a jar) (Sees Rachel)
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(To Rachel) He is alive!</p>
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<p>[SCENE: Restaurant]</p>
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<p>Phoebe: You know, it's so surprising that you and Joey have known each other
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for so long and I've never heard about you.</p>
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<p>Joey: Yeah, that's because we had a bit of a falling out. Mike hit my mom with
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a car.</p>
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<p>Mike: No, I didn't.</p>
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<p>Joey: That's okay Mike, I have forgiven you. And now we're friends again everything's
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great!</p>
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<p>Mary Ellen Wait, is your mom okay?</p>
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<p>Joey: Please, we're trying to have a conversation. (Pushes the wine glass closer
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to Mary Ellen.)</p>
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<p>Mary Ellen: Wow, you're a lot nicer on 'Days of Our Lives'.</p>
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<p>Mike: 'Days of Our Lives'! That's why you look so familiar!</p>
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<p>Phoebe: What?!</p>
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<p>Mike: What?!</p>
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<p>Joey: What?!</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Do you not know each other?</p>
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<p>Joey: (Laughs) Of course we do! Mike is playing a game that we used to play
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in high school. Yeah, where we pretend we don't know each other. We played all
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kinds of games. (To Mike) Hey, remember the one where I punch you in the face
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for not being cool?!</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Mike, let me ask you something. How many sisters does Joey have?</p>
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<p>Mike: (Joey holds up six fingers) Six!</p>
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<p>Joey: What are you doing? I said seven! (Holds up six fingers.) (Realizes his
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mistake) Argh!!!</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Joey, why did you set me up with a stranger?</p>
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<p>Joey: Because I forgot about our date, I'm so sorry.</p>
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<p>Mike: I'm sorry too. And just to be clear, I didn't hit his mother with a car.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: (To Joey) You are unbelievable! I spent so much time finding the perfect
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girl for you, you know. Mary Ellen is really smart and cute and loose.</p>
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<p>Mary Ellen: Hey!</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Who are you kidding? (To Joey) You just find some guy off the street
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for me? Oh God! This is humiliating!</p>
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<p>Joey: Look Phoebe I'm so sorry! Hey, look, if you don't like this guy I can
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find you a better one. (Looks around) Mike!! Mike!!</p>
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<p>Phoebe: I'm out of here (She leaves)</p>
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<p>Mike: It was nice meeting you!</p>
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<p>Joey: (To Mary Ellen) You're leaving too?</p>
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<p>Mary Ellen: I'll stay if you can tell me my name.</p>
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<p>Joey: Good night!</p>
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<p>[SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment]</p>
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<p>Chandler: Honey, we're leaving tomorrow you've still got a lot of packing to
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do.</p>
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<p>Monica: You're right. (Pause) Maybe I shouldn't go.</p>
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<p>Chandler: What?</p>
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<p>Monica: So Nancy told me about this job at this great restaurant, Javo (sp?).
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It's just a little outside of Tulsa.</p>
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<p>Chandler: How far outside?</p>
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<p>Monica: Manhattan.</p>
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<p>Chandler: And you're thinking of taking it? (Pause) So before you said being
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me with me was more important than any job, but I guess now it's old job, (Raises
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his hand) me, (Raises his hand) new job.</p>
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<p>Monica: I'm gonna miss this hand! Okay I know it's a lot to ask, but oh my
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God Chandler, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.</p>
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<p>Chandler: What happened to 'you can't live without me four days a week'?</p>
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<p>Monica: Well, if you really think about it, I mean four days is not that long.
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I mean, I see you Monday before you go to work, and I see you Thursday when
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you get back, and I always work late on Tuesdays, so really if you think about
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it, it's really just one day. And well, if we can't make it one day, we've got
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real problems my friend.</p>
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<p>Chandler: I think you should take the job.</p>
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<p>Monica: Really?</p>
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<p>Chandler: Yeah. I know it must be important to you when you start chattering
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like a monkey.</p>
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<p>Monica: That's the nicest anyone has ever said to me!</p>
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<p>(Ross and Rachel enter with Emma.) </p>
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<p>Ross: Hey!</p>
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<p>Monica: How was the pediatrician?</p>
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<p>Rachel: Oh, I really liked him. (Looks at Ross) Yeah, it was really, really,
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really good.</p>
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<p>Ross: You promised you wouldn't say anything.</p>
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<p>Rachel: I know. (Pause) Ross still sees his pediatrician!!! (To Ross) I don't
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care!</p>
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<p>Monica: Are you serious? You still see Dr. Gettleman?</p>
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<p>Ross: He's a brilliant diagnostician!</p>
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<p>Chandler: Diagnostician or boo-boo fixer?</p>
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<p>Rachel: Ross, seriously! You've gotta go to an appropriate doctor.</p>
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<p>Ross: Why? Why? I know it's a little weird, but hey, he's a great doctor, okay?
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He knows my medical history, and every time I go in there, he makes a big deal.
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'Ah look, it's my favorite patient!'</p>
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<p>Chandler: Does he say that before he sticks his thermometer in your touchy?</p>
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<p>Ross: Hey, I seem to remember someone bringing his security blanket to college!</p>
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<p>Chandler: That was not a security blanket! That was a wall-hanging!</p>
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<p>Ross: It didn't spend much time on the wall!!!</p>
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<p>[SCENE: Central Perk]</p>
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<p>Mike: Excuse me, hi. I was hoping I would run into you. Can we talk?</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Sure.</p>
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<p>Mike: I'm sorry, really, I'm so embarrassed. Really, I'm a pretty nice guy.
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Just ask my parole officer...Apparently I'm not a funny guy.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Why did you go along with that?</p>
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<p>Mike: Because I was told I'd get a free dinner, which I didn't. And that I'd
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meet a pretty girl. Which I did.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: That's true. (Pause) Well, is anything you told me about yourself true?</p>
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<p>Mike: My name in Mike, and I do play piano.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Prove it.</p>
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<p>Mike: There isn't a piano here.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: That wouldn't stand in the way of a true pianist.</p>
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<p>Mike: (Plays 'air piano')</p>
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<p>Phoebe: You are really good! I play a little guitar myself.</p>
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<p>Mike: Really?</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Uhuh.</p>
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<p>Mike: That's great. What kind of music do you play?</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Well, like acoustic folksy stuff. You know? But right now I'm working
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on a couple 'Iron Maiden' covers.</p>
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<p>Mike: Do you think that maybe, sometime, I could...</p>
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<p>Phoebe: It's okay. Go ahead, ask me out.</p>
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<p>Mike: Okay. Do you think maybe sometime I could take you out?</p>
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<p>Joey: (Walks In)</p>
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<p>Phoebe: (To Mike) Oh, you just caught me off guard! Yeah, that would be nice.</p>
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<p>Joey: Look at this. My two best friends!</p>
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<p>(Phoebe and Mike look at him, and he goes over to the counter.) </p>
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<p>[SCENE: Pediatrician's office]</p>
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<p>Ross: Excuse me, I don't mean to be a jerk, but the baby with the rash came
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|
in after me.</p>
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<p>Receptionist: The doctor will be right with you sir.</p>
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<p>Girl: (Reading a book) Mommy, I can't find Waldo.</p>
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<p>Ross: With the circus? He's behind the elephant.</p>
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<p>Woman: Wow, so your child is a big fan of the Waldo books too?</p>
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<p>Ross: Yeah, that's how I know. I'm Ross by the way.</p>
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<p>Sally: Hi, I'm Sally. So, no ring. Can I assume you are also a single parent?</p>
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<p>Ross: I am a single parent.</p>
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<p>Sally: It's hard isn't it? There's almost no time for a social life. I mean,
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|
where are you gonna meet someone?</p>
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<p>Ross: Well, let's say, I don't know, you met someone in the pediatrician's
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office.</p>
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<p>Nurse: (To Ross) Rossy, we're ready for you.</p>
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<p>Ross: Hmm, yeah. (To a random boy in the waiting room) Come on Ross jr. It's
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time to go in.</p>
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|
<p>Boy: Mommy (He walks over to Sally.)</p>
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<p>Girl: Mommy, what's wrong with that man?</p>
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<p>Ross: Hey, I helped you find Waldo!</p>
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<p>[SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment]</p>
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<p>Ross: (Enters) Oh good, you haven't left yet.</p>
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<p>Monica: Where have you been?</p>
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<p>Ross: I got held up at Dr. Gettleman's office. There was some guy that freaked
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|
everybody out.</p>
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|
<p>Chandler: Well, you got here just in time. I really have to go buddy. (They
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|
hug)</p>
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<p>Ross: Oh man.</p>
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|
<p>Monica: Promise to call me when you land.</p>
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|
<p>Chandler: Of course I will call you. I love you.</p>
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|
<p>Monica: I love you too. (They kiss)</p>
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|
<p>Rachel: Okay, wow, wow, wow. Watch the tongue people, we've got a baby over
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|
here.</p>
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|
<p>Phoebe: Bye Chandler.</p>
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|
<p>Chandler: Awww. (They hug) Bye!</p>
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|
<p>Rachel: Bye honey. (They hug)</p>
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|
<p>Chandler: (Tries to hug Joey but J. moves away) What's the matter Joe?</p>
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|
<p>Joey: I'm mad at you for leaving! You're nothing but a big leaver. Big leaver
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|
with a stupid suitcase.</p>
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|
<p>Chandler: Any chance you are trying to pick a fight to make all this easier?</p>
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|
<p>Joey: Dude, you see right thru me!! (They hug) (Joey heads for the door and
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|
pushes Chandler's suitcase on the way out.)</p>
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|
<p>Chandler: Well, bye Mon, bye Ross, Rachel, bye Emma!</p>
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|
<p>Phoebe: Okay, bye-bye! (Pushes Chandler out the door.) Good trip! (Slams the
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|
door)</p>
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|
<p>Monica: (Runs out to the hallway) Chandler, wait. It goes: Old job, (Raises
|
|
her hand) new job, (Raises her hand really high) you. This is just something
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|
I have to do.</p>
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|
<p>Chandler: I know.</p>
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|
<p>Monica: I love you so much.</p>
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|
<p>Chandler: I know that too. (They kiss)</p>
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|
<p>(Joey opens the door and takes Chandler's suitcase into his own apartment.)</p>
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|
<p><br>
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|
[SCENE: Airport]</p>
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<p>Chandler: (On cell phone) Don't worry, I'll be back before you know it. Yes
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|
it will be the same. Because I know, that's how. I promise.</p>
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|
<p><br>
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CUT TO: Monica and Chandler's apartment.</p>
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<p>Joey: (On the phone with Chandler) Double promise? Call me when you land.</p>
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|
<p>Monica: Can I talk now?</p>
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|
<p>Joey: Okay, bye. (He hangs up the phone.)</p>
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|
<p>Monica: Joey?</p>
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|
<p>Joey: He had to board.<br>
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End<br>
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</p>
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