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<title>The One With Phoebe’s Cookies</title>
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<h1 align="center">The One With Phoebe’s Cookies</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Written by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Ross, and Monica are all there as Chandler
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enters wearing glasses.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey, you guys!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross and <b>Rachel:</b></b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> So, what do you think?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> About what?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, what?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Are you kidding? Okay, I’ll give you a hint; I’ll give you a
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hint. (Points to his glasses.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Eyes! No, no. Your eyes! No. Chandler’s eyes!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I got glasses!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, you-you’ve always had glasses.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No I didn’t!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Are you sure?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah-yeah, did-didn’t you use to have a pair? They were really
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round, burgundy, and they made you look kind of umm…</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Feminine.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Sweetie, I think the glasses look great. They make you look really sexy.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Really?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (sitting down on the arm of her chair) You didn’t think I used to
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wear glasses, right?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Of course! (She mouths, "I have no idea," to the rest of the
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gang.)</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are making
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some sandwiches.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> So what do you guys want for an engagement present?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> That’s okay Pheebs, we’re not having a party or anything, so
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you don’t have to get us…</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (interrupts him) If someone wants to give us a present, we don’t
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want to deprive them of that joy.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, y’know what you should get ‘em? One of those little uh,
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portable CD players.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, I already have one. </p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey, I know what I want!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> What <b>we</b> want honey.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No, you don’t want this. I want to have your grandmother’s
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cookie recipe.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You mean the chocolate chip cookie recipe?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Uh-huh, yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You mean the one that my grandmother made me swear on her deathbed that
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I would never let out of our family?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Dying people say the <b>craziest</b> things.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I wanted it for years! I was gonna make cookies for my children.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Break my heart—Oh, all right.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. I’m gonna be the mom that makes the world’s best
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chocolate chip cookies.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Our kids are gonna be <b>fat</b> aren’t they.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Ahoy!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey! How’s the boat?!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Great! I’m finally getting into this sailing stuff.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, so you finally took it out of the marina huh?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Why would I do that? It took three guys to get the thing in there!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> If you don’t sail your boat, what do you do on it?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, it’s great! It’s a great place to just kinda, sit, hang
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around, drink a few beers, eat some chips. (He says that as he sits, hangs around, drinks
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a beer, and eats a chip.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, it’s good that you finally have a place to do that.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Y’know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> You could?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah! I’ve been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad
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bought me my own boat.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Your own boat?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?! What?! He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there. He takes off his glasses and
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starts chewing on the ear piece.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Do you know what I was thinkin’?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Nothing, I just like to go like this. (Does it again.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (entering from the bathrooms) Hey Chandler, what are you doing tonight?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Uh why, do you have a lecture?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No, why?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Then free as a bird. What’s up?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Wow! That’s great! Dad must really like you, he doesn’t ask
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just anyone to play.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah and he didn’t really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed
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he meant you.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, did-did you correct him?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> This is so cool, maybe this is something you can do every week.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Or you can sit with him on the front porch and make sure no one steals the
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trash cans. He does that every week too.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, just so you know, you-you <b>have</b> to let him win.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> He <b>hates</b> to lose.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh no problem, maybe I’ll play with my left hand.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You’re not a lefty? </p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Does anybody know me?!</p>
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<p>(Phoebe enters, walks up to Monica, and exhales exasperatedly.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What’s wrong Phoebe?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the
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<b>stupid</b> fire burned it up!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No!! Why didn’t you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box
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and keep it at <b>least</b> a hundred yards from the original?!!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (pauses as he figures out how to answer that) Because I’m normal!
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That was the <b>one</b> legacy my grandmother left me, and I know you wanted it as an
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engagement present.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, we have to get you an engagement present?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Don’t worry about it Pheebs.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No one got me an engagement present.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, here I wish you health and happiness. (She hands Monica a cookie
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in a plastic baggie.) </p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> An old cookie?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (To Chandler) This is what happens when you don’t register for
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gifts!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> See no-no, I made a batch and I froze it, and this is the only one left.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> We can’t accept this.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Why not?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> ‘Cause it’s gross.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No! Wait! I think I can figure out the recipe from this cookie! I do
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stuff like this at work all the time.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Really?!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah! I bet I can do it.</p>
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<p>(Chandler looks over and sees Ross glaring at them.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, we owe you a present.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Two! I’ve been engaged twice!</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont (Joey’s boat), she’s shown to be in one of the
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waterways around New York, but in reality she’s in a sound stage on the Warner Bros.
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lot and we see New York from the water in some rather poor green screen shots. Rachel and
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Joey are on board.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he’s got a bigger
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boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To
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Rachel) Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> That <b>is</b> the Coast Guard. </p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> What are they doing out here? The coast’s all the way over there.
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(Points to the coast, meanwhile there is coast behind him.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Joey, just ignore the boats all right? We’re not finished with the
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lesson yet.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, I’m just gonna go over the basic points just one more time,
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are you ready?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Come on Rach, not again. I got it! Okay? Let’s start sailing, and I
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want to go over there (Points) where that boatload of girls is! (Yelling to them)
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Yo-ho-ho!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, okay. Is that what you want to do? You wanna go over and give a
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little shout out to the old, hot chickas? Okay, let’s do that Sailor Joe. Quick
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question though, (grabs some of the rigging) what’s this called?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh, boat rope.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wrong! How do you get the mainsail up?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh, rub it?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No. What do you do if I say we are coming about?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I’d say, come again. No-no, wait I-I-I know this one, I know this
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one, uh…</p>
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<p>(Rachel blasts an air horn in his ear.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Time’s up, now you're dead.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> And deaf!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, you just go on and make your little jokey-jokes, but if you do not
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know what you are doing out at sea you will die at sea. Am I getting through to you
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sailor?! (She punctuates each word by slapping him on the forehead.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yes.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Don’t just say yes! This isn’t a game, Joey, you can really get
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hurt out here. Okay, so do you want to pay attention or do you want to die?!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I want to make a ship to shore call to Chandler.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are trying to determine the
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cookie recipe by eating small pieces.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> All right, I definitely taste nutmeg.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You do?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You don’t? (Laughs) Well, that’s the difference between a
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professional and a layman.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> That and arrogance.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey! How was sailing?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I don’t want to talk about it. Y’know, you could’ve at
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least saved me a whole cookie. (He grabs what’s left of the cookie and pops in his
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mouth.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica and <b>Phoebe:</b></b> No-wait-no-no!!!!!!!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (recoils in horror) Women are mean!!! (Storms out.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I can’t believe that! Now the only thing left of my
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grandmother’s legacy is this crumb. (She picks it up with her finger and holds it out
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to Monica.) I wish you a long and happy marriage.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (entering with Chandler) Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey! How was it?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well <b>I</b> had a great time! Umm, Chancy on the other hand…</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> <b>I</b> will tell the story! It was going great. I let him win. We
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were bonding. He even said I could call him dad.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> And what did he ask you not to call him?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Daddy. All right look, here’s the story. (Flashback to Chandler
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about to enter the steam room as he does the voice-over.) Well, we had just finished
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playing racquetball and we were gonna take a steam. I walk into the steam room and it was
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really steamy. (The flashback shows his glasses fog up and him trying to find his way
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around the steam-filled room. He takes off his glasses.) So I take off my glasses and
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that’s when it happened.</p>
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<p>[Cut to the flashback, Chandler’s no longer doing the voice-over.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Guys?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Over here. (You can see Ross sitting at the far wall.)</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Geller:</b> Have a seat son. (You can see Mr. Geller sitting closer to the door
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as Chandler walks over and sits in his lap.) Hey!! (Chandler quickly jumps off and sits
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next to him with a shocked expression on his face.)</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is finished telling everyone what
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happened.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God Chandler! I can’t believe it!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I know.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You gave my father a lap dance!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Why do they put so much steam in there?!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> ‘Cause otherwise they’d have to call it the room room.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Why? Okay? Why? Wh-wh-why did that have to happen?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Come on, it’s not that big a deal!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Not that big a deal? There…there was touching of things.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Now, I know you wanted to bond with my dad, but did you really have to
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bond to that part?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Listen, I’m sure that dad doesn’t care. He probably thought
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this was funny; he’ll be telling this story for years!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I don’t want him to tell this story for years.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, but he will. He still tells the story how Monica tried to escape from
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fat camp.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I wasn’t escaping.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Then how did you get caught in the barbed wire?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I was trying to help out a squirrel.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You were trying to eat it!</p>
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<p>(The phone rings.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> If <b>that</b> is your father calling to tell this story then the
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marriage is off!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (takes the phone from Ross) Come on. (Answering phone) Hello? (Listens)
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I’m sorry you have the wrong number. (Listens) (Whispering) Okay, I’ll call you
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later dad. I love you. (Hangs up.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are there.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (getting up) All right, I’m off to see your dad.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Whoa-whoa, aren’t you a little over dressed?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (laughing) Yeah, and-and you better make sure he tips you this time.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Look, I figured I would try to convince him not to tell the story
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anymore, and I figure the best way to do that is face to face—And by face I
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don’t mean his lap. And by face, I don’t mean my ass. (Exits.)</p>
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|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (To Rachel) Hey are you getting Monica and Chandler an engagement present?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I don’t know. Y’know, they didn’t get us anything.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Thank you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well hello! So, when are we gettin’ back out on the water matey? </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh uh, I don’t know the boat way to say this, but uh never!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Why not?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Because! You’re mean on the boat!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What? I was just trying to teach you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, lesson learned! Rachel is mean!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeeeeeep… Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her
|
||
dad’s boat she wouldn’t let me help at all.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn’t move your arms
|
||
because you were wearing three life jackets.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You have to respect the sea! (Storms off.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Look Joey, I’m sorry if-if you thought that was mean, but I gotta
|
||
tell ya something. That was not mean. Okay, my father is mean. He used to yell at me all
|
||
the time on the boat, I mean it was horrible. I was just being a good teacher.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer pinhead!?"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, does a good student drink seven beers during his first lesson?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Six and a half! You knocked that last one out of my hand! Remember?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, I didn’t want you to get hit by the boom!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well it hit me anyway! And it would’ve hurt a lot less if I had
|
||
finished that last beer.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> All right, y’know what? I-I’m sorry. I will try to tone it
|
||
down and uh stop yelling.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> You won’t boss me around anymore?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I won’t boss you around.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> And you’ll be nice?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> And, I’ll be nice.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> And you’ll be topless?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> And—Joey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Do you want me to learn?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is trying out different cookie recipes.
|
||
Ross and Phoebe are the tasting group.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, here’s batch 22. Oh, maybe these’ll taste a little like
|
||
your grandmother’s. This has a little bit of orange peel, but no nutmeg.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Let’s give it a shot.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. Man, I have <b>not</b> made this many cookies since I was in the
|
||
ninth grade.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, what was that for? Like a bake sale?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No, just a Friday night.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They all take a bite.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, these are pretty good.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, but not as good as batch 17.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Which one was that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> The ones we had right after you almost threw up.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh yeah! Batch 17 was good. I did <b>not</b> like batch 16. (Burps a
|
||
little bit.) I’m okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Are there any more from the good batch? ‘Cause we could just work
|
||
off of those.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, ooh yeah, I think there is one from batch 17 left, uh… (Grabs a
|
||
cookie and takes a big bite out of it and doesn’t like it.) It’s batch 16! 16
|
||
people! Get out of the way! (Gets up and runs for the bathroom.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, it's Joey’s second lesson with Rachel as the resident
|
||
sailing expert.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay Joey honey, you’re doing really good! All right, now I’m
|
||
just gonna need you to step to the port side. (Joey pauses as he tries to remember which
|
||
side is the port side.) Remember? Remember how we talked about the port side?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Nope.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> It’s left sweetie, but that’s okay sweetie, that’s a
|
||
tough one.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I don’t know why you just don’t say left.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, go to the left. (Joey goes starboard or sits on the right side of
|
||
the boat.) The left!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Huh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (yelling) Just sit over there!! (Points to the port side.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (hurrying over) Okay! Okay, you’re yelling again! See that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! No-no, no-no-no, very quiet, said with love, no yelling.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, y’know what? Since I’m here, I think I’m gonna have me
|
||
a little beer on the port side. (Grabs and opens one.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay Joey, we’re luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the
|
||
cunningham? (The mainsail has started to flap in the wind and has stopped working
|
||
efficiently; she wants him to tighten it so that it starts working again.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I didn’t know there.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Joey, come on! We just went over this! (She does it instead.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, y’know, when we did that was when that bird was flying overhead
|
||
with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (angrily) No! All right?! I did <b>not</b> see the bird! I did <b>not</b>
|
||
see the fish! I did <b>not</b> see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson!
|
||
I did <b>not</b>, because I was trying to teach you <b>how</b> to sail a boat! Which
|
||
obviously is an impossible thing to do!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> All right that’s it! You’re yelling and I don’t see you
|
||
taking your top off! I quit!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What do you mean you quit?! You can’t quit!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Why not?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Because you’re not finished yet and I won’t have it! Greens do
|
||
not quit!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Greens? I’m a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my God, wait did I—I just said Greens don’t quit
|
||
didn’t I? (Pause) (Angrily) Did I just say Greens don’t quit?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yes! Yes! You did and you’re still yelling at me!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! No! No! I’m not yelling at you, I’m just yelling near you.
|
||
Oh God Joey, oh I’m my father. Oh my God, this is horrible! I’ve been trying so
|
||
hard not to be my mother I did not see this comin’. Oh, Joey, I’m sorry.
|
||
I’m so sorry. I just wanted you to learn.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, hey I did learn.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Really?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah! Come on.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Awww…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, it’s okay. I know what a mainsail is. (Points to it. It’s
|
||
the larger sail.) I know, I know to duck when the boom comes across. I-I know port is
|
||
right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Left.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Damnit!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the cookie-trying period has passed. Monica,
|
||
Phoebe, and Ross are reflecting on the day’s events.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Y’know, I bet it would actually make my grandmother very happy to
|
||
know that we’re trying to figure out her recipe. I bet she’s l-l-lookin’ up
|
||
at us and smiling right now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Looking up?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh yeah—No, she was really nice to me, but she’s in hell for
|
||
sure.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, I’ve tried everything. I give up. I guess I’m not gonna
|
||
be the mom who makes the world’s best chocolate cookies. I do make the best duck
|
||
confit with broccoli rabe. Kids love that right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Aww, Pheeb, come on isn’t there any relative that would have the
|
||
recipe? What about, what about your sister?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk
|
||
to Ursula would be over my dead body. And that’s not happening ‘til October 15<sup>th</sup>,
|
||
2032.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> That’s the day you’re gonna die? See—darnit, I’ve got
|
||
shuffleboard that day.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> That’s what you think.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, I mean what about friends of your grandmother’s?
|
||
Wouldn’t they have the recipe?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, y’know I may have relatives in France who would know. My
|
||
grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, Nesele Tolouse.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What was her name?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Nesele Toulouse.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> <i>Nestle Tollhouse</i>?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (grabbing a bag of <i>Nestle Tollhouse</i> chocolate chips) Phoebe, is <b>this</b>
|
||
the recipe? (Tosses her the bag.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (reading the recipe on the back of the bag) Yes!! (Realizes.)
|
||
Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure
|
||
out the recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I know! You see it is stuff like this which is why (Looking down)
|
||
you’re burning in hell!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Gym, Chandler and Mr. Geller are heading for the whirlpool room.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> So you understand, I’d feel a lot more comfortable if you
|
||
didn’t tell people what happened. Y’know, I’m a little…I’m a
|
||
little embarrassed about it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mr. Geller:</b> I understand completely, there’s nothing more horrifying than
|
||
embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws. As a matter of fact, when I started dating
|
||
Judy I was unemployed, and her father asked me what I did for a living and I told him I
|
||
was a lawyer.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What did you do when they found out?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mr. Geller:</b> They never did, so if you ever see me giving them legal advice just nod
|
||
along. Shall we? </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Chandler nods along and they enter the whirlpool room and remove their robes. Only
|
||
Chandler is lacking a certain item of clothing. You see this is a coed whirlpool, which
|
||
means swimsuits, and in fact there are two women already there and Chandler didn’t
|
||
seem to wear his. Needless to say, everyone is shocked, including Chandler.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> So I guess we wear swimsuits in here!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Ending Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, is tied up alongside the pier; Joey and Rachel are relaxing.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well Joey, I hate to admit it, your way of sailing is a lot more fun.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, yeah. Hey, why don’t you give a pull on that rope? (Points.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh we’re not sailing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Just pull on it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> All right. (She does so and it brings the cooler closer together.)
|
||
Hey-hey-hey!! (Sees what’s in the cooler.) Sandwiches!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What else?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (hands him one) Here you go.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Thank you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh wow! (She takes a bite, but holds the sandwich vertically so that the
|
||
stuff falls out.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What are you doing?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, sorry.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What you—don’t hold it like that! You’re lettin’ all
|
||
the good stuff fall out.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(More falls out.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh whoops.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Careful! You’re wasting good pastrami! (Gasps.) Oh my God! I’m <b>my</b>
|
||
dad!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |