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927 lines
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<!-- saved from url=(0055)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season8/815towbv.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<title>The One With The Birthing Video</title>
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<meta name="GENERATOR" content="Microsoft FrontPage 3.0">
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<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
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<body class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<font size="6"><b>
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<p align="CENTER">The One With The Birthing Video</p>
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</b></font>
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<hr>
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<p>Written by: Dana Klein Borkow<br>
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Transcribed by: Dan Gottleib</p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is getting a cup of coffee as Joey and Phoebe enter and
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sit down.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Oh! Hey, Rach!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Hi! Hey, Happy Valentine’s Day!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Oh, you, too.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Hey, so, uh, how’s it going living over at Ross’?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>It’s good. Except he makes us watch the <i>Discovery Channel </i>all
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day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the
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Middle Ages? (to the waitress handing her a cup of coffee) Oh, thank you. I’ll see
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you guys later.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Okay.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Bye.</p>
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<p>(Rachel exits with coffee)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>There’s one lucky to-go cup of coffee.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> (sighs) Honey, I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this.
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Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want to look down my top?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Thanks. But maybe later.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Oh, Gunther, can I get a scone?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Gunther: </b>(to Joey) You want anything?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>You know what I want? I want a lot of things! I want to be with the woman I
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love on Valentine’s Day! And I want her to love me back! And I want just one moment
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of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that that’s never going to happen!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Gunther: </b>We have red bagels.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Oh, okay.<b> </b></p><b>
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<p align="CENTER">Opening Credits</p>
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</b>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the living room
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talking.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>So, how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Oh, I’m actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, she’s been
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away all week visiting her parents, but she’ll be cool. I mean, she’s been so
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supportive. She-she even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says, ‘Fossils are my
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friends.’</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Ugh. Come on, Mona, don’t kiss ass.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Uh, I’m going to take off.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>All right. Oh! Shoot! Oh shoot! Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>What is it?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>It’s a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back
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to your apartment?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>All right. (reading the label) ‘Candy and Cookie?’</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Yeah. Candy’s the mother, Cookie’s the daughter. The
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father’s also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> (entering with something behind her back) Phoebe, c’mere. I want to
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show you something in the bathroom.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Oh, Monica, grow up!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Hey, what’s behind your back?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebe’s opinion on for
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Valentine’s Day.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>You don’t want my opinion?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Not really.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Come on, I’m your older brother, ask me!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>All right, big brother. (holds up two erm…revealing articles of
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clothing) Which of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter, so your
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best friend would want to do her?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(quietly) The red one.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Joey and…wait…just Joey’s. Joey is sitting at the counter eating
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a pizza.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>(knocking and entering) Hey. Look, I know you’ve been really depressed
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lately, so I brought someone over to cheer you up. Right outside this door is a real,
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live, furry playmate.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>No, I’m not sleeping with your friend Jane again.</p>
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<p>(Phoebe goes into the hall and brings a dog inside!)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>He-hee!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Hey! A dog! Hi! Who, you got to admit, looks a lot like Jane.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy.
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Now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Thanks so much, Pheebs! (to the dog) We are going to have so much fun, yes we
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are! (the dog sticks his head between Joey’s legs) Oh! Not that kind of fun.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Chandler enters with a bouquet of roses.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Happy Valentine’s!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>(from her bedroom) Okay! I’ll be right out. I’m slipping into
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something a little less comfortable, and a little more slutty.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>(picking up a video from the table) ‘Candy and Cookie’.
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‘Candy and Cookie?’ Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must
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love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some
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"porn")</p>
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<p>(A woman on TV breaths hard)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Man on TV: </b>Yeah, just relax.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>I love you, St. Valentine.</p>
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<p>(The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandler’s eyes get huge!)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Woah, woah, that’s not pretty!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Man on TV: </b>Now, push!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Woman on TV: </b>Ow! Ow! Ooh! That hurts!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! (Chandler starts to press buttons on
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the remote control, frantically.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Woman on TV: </b>Ohhh! Make it stop!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>I am trying!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Joey’s. Joey is playing fetch with the dog.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! (Joey pretends to throw it,
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but really doesn’t, and the dog goes running off.) Well, you’re cute, but
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you’re not too smart! </p>
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<p>(The dog returns with a ball that looks exactly like the same one Joey has.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>(looking at the ball the dog brought back) Did I just throw this?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(entering) Hi.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Hi.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (looks at the dog and gasps) Who
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is this?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Oh, that’s, uh, that’s Phoebe’s friend’s dog. I
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don’t know what his real name is, but I call him Mozzarella.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(talking with a higher voice, and puckered lips…kind of like you do to
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a baby or...well…a puppy…it’s hard to explain. Just use your imagination!)
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Oh, well, you are so cute! I wish I could play with you more, but I’ve got to go to
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work! I hope I stop talking like this before my marketing meeting, yes I do. Yes I do.
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(still talking like that) Bye-bye, Joey. Oh, I seriously can’t stop it. (exits)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey: </b>(to the dog) C’mere. Hey. C’mere. That’s Rachel. She’s
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the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with you—we love her. But we
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can’t have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? You’re a
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guy. (thinks about it and picks up the dog and looks) Well, you used to be.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Chandler is sitting on the couch staring at the
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tape on the coffee table with his eyes huge and his mouth wide open.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>(entering from her bedroom) So what do you think? (referring to her outfit)</p>
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<p>(Chandler glances up at Monica with his mouth still wide open and his eyes still huge)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>(to herself) I’ve still got it!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>(pointing at the video) Why did you get me this?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>What is it?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>It’s yelling…bleeding…dilating. Oh, the dilating…</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Is this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is Phoebe’s.
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Why were you even watching it?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>I thought…maybe…you got me porn for Valentine’s Day.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you porn for Valentine’s
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Day… (pulls a video out of a basket) you were right! Apparently, it’s about a
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young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having
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sex with a lot of guys! Yeah, it got four starts! (looks closer) Oh, wait a minute. Those
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aren’t stars. Anyway, you want to take a look?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Well, I’m not really in a sexy mood right now.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Honey, what’s going on?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Well, remember the first time we saw<i> Jaws</i>?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Mm-hmm.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>How long it took to go back in the water?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Chandler, we can’t let this tape wreck Valentine’s Day!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>You don’t know. You didn’t see it.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Child-birth, it’s a natural thing! It’s beautiful.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up
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the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like
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he’s going to throw up!)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Oh! Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>See, honey, there’s—(puts his hand on her leg)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Don’t touch me!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch reading a magazine as Mona enters.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Hi!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Hey! (they hug) So, how was Atlantic City?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Good.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Yeah?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Mona: </b>I brought you back a present.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Wha—? Oh, come on. You didn’t have to—saltwater taffy?! (Mona
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laughs) Thanks! This is interesting. You know, most people think this is made with sea
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water, but it’s actually made with, uh, salted fresh water. That’s not
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interesting.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Mona: </b>I think it’s interesting.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I do too! I missed you!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Mona: </b>I missed you, too! So, how was your week?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Oh, it was good! It was good. Actually, the baby started kicking!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Mona: </b>How exciting!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Yeah! I know! It was. Oh… the only sad thing is I wasn’t around
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when it happened for the first time.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Oh no.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Yeah, I’m missing out on all this other stuff, too. So, Joey suggested
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Rachel move in with me.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Mona: </b>(laughing) Yeah right!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>What?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Joey cracks me up! It’s like, ‘Yeah, why don’t you have your
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ex-wife move in with you? That wouldn’t be awkward at all!’ (she laughs again)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(not amused) Huh…uh-huh.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Huh, could you imagine. I go away for a few days, and come back, and my
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boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant! (Mona laughs…yes…again!)</p>
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<p>(Ross fake laughs, obviously not finding this funny, and he’s starting to panic,
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so he shoves the whole saltwater taffy he’s eating in his mouth)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Mona: </b>So, what’d you tell him?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(with his mouth full) Just a second! (he fake laughs, but turns his head and
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starts to break down)</p>
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||
<b>
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||
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<p align="CENTER">Commercial Break</p>
|
||
</b>
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||
|
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>How could you not tell Mona that Rachel is living with you?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I don’t know, she seemed to think it was such a crazy idea! Um, plus,
|
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she, uh, she got me taffy!</p>
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||
<b>
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||
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Taffy, really? I’ve never had any.</p>
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||
<b>
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||
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Ever?!</p>
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||
<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Well, I think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide
|
||
saltwater treats. (Ross hands her one) Thank you! So what, you’re just never going to
|
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tell her?</p>
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<b>
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||
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know,
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I’m going to take her to an amazing Valentine’s dinner. Do all this romantic
|
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stuff, and then, just when she thinks I’m the best boyfriend in the world, then
|
||
I’m going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
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</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>If I haven’t said it before: she’s a lucky, lucky lady! So, where
|
||
are you going to—what the mother of crap is up with this stuff? (Referring to the
|
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taffy, which she’s been chewing this whole time.) Oh, God. Is it gum, is it food?
|
||
What’s the deal? (she swallows it, finally) Oh, it’s nice! May I try a pink one?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey’s. Joey is laying on his recliner, depressed, and the dog is laying
|
||
on the footrest.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>So, between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross, it just
|
||
isn’t going to happen. It would be like you falling in love with a cat.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>(entering) Hey!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Hey.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Hey, buddy. How’s my favorite dog, huh? How’s my favorite dog?
|
||
(the dog doesn’t move) You’re subdued. (to Joey) Did you give him a beer?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>No.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Will you excuse us, we need to talk for a moment.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Yeah, sure. Go ahead. (pause) Oh, me, right!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey follows Phoebe into the kitchen)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>He’s miserable! What happened to him?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Nothing. We just talked about stuff.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>What stuff?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Rachel stuff.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Oh…Joey, you bummed him out! This was the happiest dog in the world,
|
||
and he spends half a day with you, and look at him!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>He’s breathing!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Okay, I’m going to take him back to Wendy’s.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>No, no, no, no! He’s fine! Look, look, look! (picks up the ball)
|
||
Here’s your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! (he throws the ball and it bounces
|
||
right next to the dog) Get your ball! My God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the
|
||
dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross and…Rachel’s…I guess I have to call it that now. Rachel is
|
||
reading on the couch as Ross enters.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Well, I’m, uh, going to pick up Mona. What have you got going tonight?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Oh, I’ve got big Valentine’s plans! I’ve got my Chinese food
|
||
on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Y’know, it’s interesting! Most people think that’s made with
|
||
seawater, when in fact—</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Ross, we actually watched the documentary together.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(There is a knock on the door.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Ooh! My Chinese food! Let me get my cash! (runs to her room to get her
|
||
money)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(opening the door to see Mona standing there) Mona? What are—hi! What
|
||
are you doing here? I’m, um, supposed to pick you up!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Change of plans, I made you a special Valentine’s dinner! Surprise!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(he makes some really weird noise hear that sounds kind of
|
||
like…)Ayyyayyyy!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(entering) Oh, hey, Mona!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Hi! Hi. Hi, Rachel! (to Ross) What’s she doing here?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I have no idea!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>I’ll be watching TV if anybody needs me. (exits to her room)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Seriously, what is she doing?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Uh…lately, she just likes hanging out here.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Why?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I think she’s lonely.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Okay, but it’s Valentine’s Day!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I know.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Can’t we just ask her to go?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>No, no. She’s way to emotional. And by emotional I mean crazy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Doorbell rings)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>I’m not here! That’s just my Chinese food!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Oh, my God! She has food delivered here?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Mm-hmm. She’s—she’s emotional, but, but ballsy.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to get in my sweats, and
|
||
eat this in bed! (exits)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>And you thought she was going to be in our way! So, why don’t you, uh,
|
||
open the champagne, and I’ll be right back. I’ve got a surprise for you.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>You got another ex-wife back there?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(fakes a laugh) Please start drinking! (exits)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(entering) I’m just going to grab the phone.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Oh, Rachel! Wait! Hey, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but,
|
||
but, um… what are you doing?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Oh, I’m sorry! Do you need the phone?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>No, no. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this is his apartment,
|
||
and, and, we gotta have some boundaries, so why don’t you go back to your place and
|
||
give us some privacy?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(as Ross enters with a present) But, but, Mona, I live here.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(handing Mona the present) Happy Valentine’s Day! …Or something to
|
||
remember me by.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch still
|
||
staring at the screen.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>How long has it been this time?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>90 seconds.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>That’s better. 90 seconds is a long time not to think about
|
||
it…except all I did was think about it.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>You know, it haunts me? Up ‘til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was
|
||
my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that
|
||
my screensaver!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Okay, well, we have to get past this! Why don’t we get rid of the tape
|
||
and pretend it never existed?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>I can do that.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Chandler takes the tape and sticks it under the chair cushion)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Okay. Now all we’ve got to do is get rid of this chair.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they can’t do it and
|
||
back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly for a second, until someone
|
||
knocks on the door.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Oh, thank God!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Oh, I know!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Come in!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(entering) Hi! I’m so sorry to barge in on your Valentine’s, but
|
||
I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Oh, my God.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Poor Ross.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Monica and Chandler both look at each other and run over to the window to watch the
|
||
action in Ross’ apartment)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he
|
||
closes the drapes!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Rach, you know that birthing tape you wanted to see? It’s here.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it: don’t watch it.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Why? You saw it? Is it scary?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Well, let’s just say it’s ironic how footage of someone being
|
||
born can make you want to kill yourself.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Well, now, wait. Now I’m all freaked out. Come on, you guys will watch
|
||
it with me.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>No, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>C’mon, seriously, you guys, you’re not going to make me watch
|
||
this alone!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>She’s right…of course not. Honey, get the tape.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>(with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it around) This
|
||
reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (Chandler puts the tape in, and they all
|
||
sit down) Okay, here we go.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Okay. (watching the tape) Ooh, my! (Rachel jumps when the woman starts
|
||
screaming) Woah! Why is that baby torturing that woman?!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Why have I seen this thing three times?!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>It’s…still beautiful.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Uh! It’s horrible!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>I know! I know, I’m so sorry for you!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Oh, my God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Monica and Rachel both cover their eyes)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Wait, you guys, look!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>What? Did her ass explode?!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>No, the baby’s out! Look, look!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Oh, look at those little fingers and toes!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>And look how happy the mom is now!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Oh…Rach!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Oh, screw you guys, you don’t have to do it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee as Joey comes from…God knows where!
|
||
Some back area of Central Perk around the corner that we’ve never seen!
|
||
Weeeiiirrrddd….]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Hey, hey, man!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Hey, what’s up?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Uh…Mona just dumped me.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Oh, man, I’m sorry. Why?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Well, with everything that’s been going on lately, I haven’t
|
||
exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didn’t tell her I got Rachel
|
||
pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had the locks changed! And then I
|
||
lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not
|
||
breaking up with me sooner, you know?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Still, that really sucks, man. Especially on Valentine’s Day.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Yeah. Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Joey Tribbiani without a date
|
||
on Valentine’s Day? What’s going on, huh? Girl trouble?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Sort of.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Really?!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>You don’t have to seem so happy about it.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Oh, sorry. Well, look, maybe I can help you with it.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Oh, I…I d—</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Hey, whatever it is, I am sure it has happened to me. Y’know, actually
|
||
once—once I got dumped during sex.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Two girls sitting at a table next to them look up in disgust, and Ross and Joey move
|
||
away)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Anyway, so, uh, so what is it?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Forget about it. It’s no big deal.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>C’mon! Joey! What is it?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>It’s nothing.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Hey, hey, it’s me. Why can’t you tell me?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Okay, uh…sit down. (they do) Um… there’s this woman that I
|
||
like. A lot. But, uh…it can’t happen.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>She’s not a Tribbiani?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>No!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I knew it. So, is she someone from work?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Yes.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Well, uh, does she like you?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Sometimes I think maybe she could. But it doesn’t matter, because I
|
||
can’t do anything about it.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Why not?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Well, it’s complicated. She’s with this other guy. For a long time.
|
||
Someone from work, too. And I could never do that to the guy, because we’re really
|
||
good friends.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh… is he still in love
|
||
with her?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>No. I don’t think so.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Okay. Um… is he a good guy?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Yeah, he’s the best.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Then talk to him! He might be fine with it.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Oh, I don’t know.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Joey, it’s worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>I do! So much! I can’t stop thinking about her! I can’t sleep,
|
||
I—</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it. How often does this happen
|
||
to you, huh? You owe it to yourself.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Gunther: </b>(placing a cup in front of Ross) Here’s your warm milk.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I’m going to…uh…I’m going to, um, put the bourbon in it
|
||
at home.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Oh, yeah.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Anyway… seriously, uh…just…just talk to the guy, okay? And
|
||
tell me how it goes. (walks towards the door until…)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>It’s Rachel.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross just stands in the doorway, for like a minute…Ahh! What’s going to
|
||
happen next??!!! I can’t make it all the way through the Olympics!!!)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
<p align="CENTER">Closing Credits</p>
|
||
</b>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s. Rachel is standing in front of the TV holding a video.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(thinking) <i>You’re going to have a baby, and you need to be
|
||
prepared. Now, you’re going to make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it!</i>
|
||
(Rachel puts the tape in the VCR)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Woman on TV: </b>I came to the big city to become a star! I’ll do…anything to
|
||
make that happen!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Man on TV: </b>Anything?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Music starts playing…yes…you know what kind of music…)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(thinking) <i>Hmm…maybe it starts with </i>how <i>she gets pregnant.</i></p><i>
|
||
</i><b>
|
||
|
||
<p align="CENTER">End</p>
|
||
</b>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |