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<title>The One With The Stain</title>
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<body bgcolor="#FFFFFF" link="#008000" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One With The Stain</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Written by: R. Lee Fleming, Jr.<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a><br>
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Dutch Phrases by: <a href="mailto:chandlerb@pandora.be">Kenny Walgraef</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is sitting in the living room as Monica
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enters.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p>(Monica notices something.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God! You cleaned! (Gasps) Look at these floors! You did the
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windows! Oh, I have been begging you for months and you did! You cleaned! And nagging
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works!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Y’know uh, I didn’t actually do this.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh no, was I cleaning in my sleep again?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, it wasn’t you.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well then who?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I got a maid. Yay!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (shocked) I hope by maid you mean mistress, because if some other woman
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was here cleaning then…</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Uh honey, I know you don’t like to relinquish control…</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, relinquish is just a fancy word for lose!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Look, she’s really nice. Okay? And she mentioned that she adored
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the way that you arranged the sponges.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Did she really say that?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes, I distinctly remember ‘cause I thought it was a joke. Now
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just give her a chance, okay?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Fine, I can do it. (Gets anxious.) Whew.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> What’s the matter?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, usually when I’m this anxious, I clean!</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there as someone’s cell phone
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starts to ring with one of those fancy ring tones.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (looking around) Who’s cell phone is that? It’s just so
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annoying; everywhere you go.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I think it’s coming from your bag.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (checks) I never get calls!! (Answers the phone) Hello?</p>
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<p><b>Eric:</b> Hi, it’s Eric. From the Halloween party, Ursula’s fiancée. </p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh my God Eric hi! Wait, how’d you get this number?</p>
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<p><b>Eric:</b> Oh, I have a friend who’s a cop and he got it for me.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Wow! What an incredible violation—and wonderful surprise.</p>
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<p><b>Eric:</b> Uh listen, I just—I thought you should know I broke up with Ursula.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh you did? (To Rachel) He did it! He did it!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow! What did he do?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Shhh! I’m talking.</p>
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<p><b>Eric:</b> Anyway, I was wondering if, you were the sort of person who…eats
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lunch.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Are you asking me out? ‘Cause it would be kinda weird since you
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just broke up with my sister.</p>
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<p><b>Eric:</b> Yeah uh…okay. I’m-I’m sorry. Bye.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No! Wait! I was just saying that so you’d think I was a good
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person. Fight for me.</p>
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<p><b>Eric:</b> Uhh, I won’t take no for an answer.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Not great, but we can work on it at lunch. Okay, I can be at your
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apartment in two hours.</p>
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<p><b>Eric:</b> Great! But wh-wh—How do you know where I live?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I’ve got friends too. Okay, bye.</p>
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<p><b>Eric:</b> Bye.</p>
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<p>(She hangs up.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh my God! I’m going out with Eric! Ooh, this day is really gonna
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be so much better than I thought it was gonna be. Oh Ross, I can’t make lunch.
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(Exits.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> So apparently I’m available for lunch.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I can’t. I’m busy. I’m apartment hunting.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You’re moving?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, I can’t live with Joey once the baby comes. I don’t want
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my child’s first words to be, (in a baby’s voice) "How you
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doin’?"</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> So does-does Joey know you’re moving?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, I haven’t discussed it with him yet, but I know he’s
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gonna be relieved. Last week, he brought this girl over and I started talking to her about
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morning sickness and then I showed her pictures from my pregnancy book.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> That’s not really porn.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Not so much.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey, y’know what and if you’re looking for a place? I just heard
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in the elevator this morning that a woman in my building died.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my God! Was she old? Does she have a view?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well I don’t know, but how-how great would that be huh? You living in
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my building. I could help take care of the baby. I can come over whenever I want. (Rachel
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looks at him.) With your permission.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah that would really be great.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well can we see it?! Oh maybe we shouldn’t. I mean if she just died
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this morning out of respect.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah. No. No you’re right. </p>
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<p>(Pause as they both take another sip of coffee.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Shall we?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p>(They both exit.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Ross’s Building, they are approaching the apartment of the woman who died.
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Ross knocks on the door and a woman answers it.]</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter:</b> Yes?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi. I’m Ross Geller. I live in the building.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> And I’m Rachel, an admirer of the building.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I-I heard about Mrs. Verhoeven passing away and I’m so sorry for your
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loss.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter:</b> She didn’t pass.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter:</b> My mother’s still alive.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, thank God!</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter:</b> It looked like we were gonna lose her this morning,
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but she’s a tough old bird.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ahh.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter:</b> Are you close with her?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Of course! Uh yeah, she and I would talk all the time in-in (Rachel pokes
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her head in and starts to look around) the laundry room. (Pushes Rachel out of the way.)</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter:</b> You speak Dutch? (In Dutch) Zeer vereerd een vriend
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van mijn moeder te ontmoeten. (Translation: I’m very honored to meet a friend of my
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mother.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Y’know I would it’s just painful.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> So she’s really not dead.</p>
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<p><b>Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter:</b> No, she’s hanging in there.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hmm. Do you think—Could you tell me if she’s hanging in, in a
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one bedroom or a two?</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is observing the new maid, Brenda, clean.]</p>
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<p><b>Brenda:</b> Mrs. Bing, this tile cleaner is incredible! Where’d you get it?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh well umm, I make it myself! It’s two parts ammonia and one part
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lemon juice. And now the secret ingredient is…y’know what? We <b>just</b> met.</p>
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<p><b>Brenda:</b> Okay. Uhh, I’m gonna go get the clothes from the laundry room now.
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And, when I come back I’ll clean behind the refrigerator.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (To Chandler) I love her.</p>
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<p><b>Brenda:</b> I’ll be back in a minute.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. (As Brenda exits Monica notices something.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> See? I told you.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> She stole my jeans!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (pause) What?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I have been looking for them all week and she is wearing them!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> So she stole your pants and then she came back and wore them in front
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of you?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Don’t you see? It’s the perfect crime!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> She must’ve been planning this for years!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I will prove it to you! Okay? About a week ago I was wearing those jeans
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and I dropped a pen in my lap and it left an ink stain on the crotch. Now when she comes
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back I will find it and show you that stain!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Honey, isn’t it possible that the company that sold the jeans
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made more than just the one pair?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I guess.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> So, shouldn’t we go give her the benefit of the doubt before we
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go…snooping around her crotch?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Fine. I’m just glad I didn’t give her my secret ingredient.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Out of curiosity, what is your secret ingredient?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah! (Laughs.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Eric’s Apartment, he’s opening the door to reveal Phoebe.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Eric:</b> Come in, I’m so glad you’re here.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, me too. Not in the shaky angry way you are though.</p>
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<p><b>Eric:</b> Sorry, I just saw Ursula. I had to give the engagement ring back.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh.</p>
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<p><b>Eric:</b> Just seeing her brought it all back. All the lies, the way she used me. I
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just…I got so angry just looking at her…(Looks at Phoebe)…face.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah. (Covers her face with her hand.) Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Eric:</b> I’m sorry. I just…when I look at you I see her. When I see her I
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get a little bit angry.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Maybe this is too weird.</p>
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<p><b>Eric:</b> No wait! There’s only a problem when I look at you. (Sits down on the
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couch.) Oh I got it! I got it. (Puts his hands to his eyes.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No don’t tear out your eyes!!</p>
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<p><b>Eric:</b> I was just, I was just gonna take out my lenses.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, yeah try that. (He finishes and looks at her.) So, is that better?</p>
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<p><b>Eric:</b> Not really. You…you’re blurry, but you still look like Ursula.
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You’re Blursula. Okay wait. Maybe…If I-if I just don’t look at you for a
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while. (Stands up and turns his back to her.) See? It…it works. I’m not,
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I’m not angry at all anymore! This is a great date!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Look Eric, turn around. (He does so.) Look, I like you, but it
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shouldn’t be <b>this</b> hard. Y’know? This is our first date y’know? First
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dates are supposed to be about excitement and electricity and ‘Ooh, he just touched
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my hand, did he mean to touch my hand?’ and y’know first kisses and…(He
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kisses her)…second kisses. (Motions for him to kiss her again which he does and they
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start to make out.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is reading some book and Gunther serves him a cup of
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coffee.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Thanks for the coffee, or bedankt voor de koffie, Gunter. (He translates
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that phrase into Dutch.)</p>
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<p><strong>Gunther:</strong> Jij spreekt Nederlands? Dat is te gek. Heb je familie daar?
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(Translation: You speak Dutch That's cool. Do you have relatives there?)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, we’re done.</p>
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<p><strong>Gunther:</strong> Ezel. (Translation: Donkey)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ezel? Ezel? Ezel? (Looks it up in his book.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey Ross! Listen, do you want to go see that new Imax movie on
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tide pools?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Really?!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (laughs) No. But I got Knicks tickets for you, me, and Chandler.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Sweet!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right, well finish your coffee; let’s go.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay I-I just have to stop by my place first.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> To tape the game? You do this every time Ross, you’re <b>not</b>
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gonna be on TV!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No-no, I-I have to see if this apartment became available.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, you’re switching apartments?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> It’s not for me, it’s for Rachel.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> But Rachel has an apartment.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, but when the baby comes she’s gonna want to move.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> She is?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, you didn’t expect her to live there with a baby did you?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I guess I didn’t really think about it.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (finds the word in the book) Ezel! (Reads the translation.) Hey Gunther!
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You’re an ezel!</p>
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<p><strong>Gunther:</strong> Jij hebt seks met ezels. (Translation: You have sex
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with donkeys.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Damnit!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is sweeping and Monica is sitting at the kitchen
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table.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Nice jeans!</p>
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<p><b>Brenda:</b> Oh thanks! I like your top.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh. (Holds on to it.) (To herself) You’re not gettin’ it.</p>
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<p>(Brenda bends down to use the dustpan and Monica leans over to look for the stain, but
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leans so far over she falls out of the chair.)</p>
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<p><b>Brenda:</b> What happened?!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, I fell asleep.</p>
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<p><b>Brenda:</b> I was thinking about taking my lunch break.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, will you do the top of the cabinets? That’ll really work up
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your appetite for lunch.</p>
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<p><b>Brenda:</b> All right.</p>
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<p>(Brenda pulls a chair to the counter and uses it to get up on the counter in order to
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clean the top of the cabinets. Monica sneaks over, bends over, and tries to see the stain.
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That doesn’t work so she sticks her head between Brenda’s legs. Suddenly Brenda
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changes her stance and traps Monica’s head between her legs.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hello.</p>
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<p><b>Brenda:</b> What’s going on?!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I’m sorry. I’ve never had a maid before, is this not okay?</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating pizza as Joey returns from the Knicks
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game.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> How was the game?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, okay. I…I ate way too much.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Ooh. (Notices the pizza, grabs a slice, and takes a bite.) So umm, I was
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talkin’ to Ross and he said you were looking for a new place.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh yeah! Hopefully across the street if certain Dutch people would just
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let go.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I was kinda hoping you’d stay.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh but Joey, I have to go. There’s no room for a baby here.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No room? It’s a baby. It’s like this big. (Holds his hands about
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a foot apart.) Y’know, I mean you-you could you could put it over here. (A desk.)
|
||
Or-or-or we could put it right here. (The chair.) Aw, it’s cute, right? Or-or we
|
||
could put it over here. (By the bathroom door.) You wouldn’t even notice it.
|
||
Where’s the baby? (Mumbles that it’s over in the corner.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Honey, it’s not just a matter of where you put it. I mean a baby
|
||
changes everything. They cry all the time. I mean imagine bringing home some girl and
|
||
trying to score when there’s a screaming baby around.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I could use a challenge! It’s getting pretty easy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Honey, it’s so sweet that you want me to stay, but I-I can’t
|
||
do that to you. I mean it would disrupt your entire life.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I love living with you so much. I just wish things didn’t have to
|
||
change.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I know.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Y’know I blame Ross for this.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I do too a little bit.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I’m gonna miss you, you’re the hottest roommate I ever had.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Eric’s Apartment, he and Phoebe are still making out.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ooh, oh no! I have to go! I have a massage appointment.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Eric:</b> Oh no, stay here we’ll keep doing this. I’ll pay you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, I got in trouble for that before. I’ll see you later.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Eric:</b> Absolutely. (They kiss and Phoebe heads for the door.) I love the way you
|
||
kiss.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Really? That’s the thing I’m worse at! You’ll see.
|
||
(Exits.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is shaking out the rugs on the balcony as Monica
|
||
pouts in the living room.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (entering) Hi!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey! Umm, I think Brenda needs a raise.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> How come?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Because I put my head between her legs.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> To see her pants?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> They’re my pants!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Are you sure? Did you see the stain?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No! I was just getting into position and then everything went dark.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> God! She is not stealing from us! Okay, will you let this go?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Fine. (Brenda comes in to use the bathroom and adjusts her pink bra
|
||
strap on the way.) She’s wearing my bra!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh dear God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> My pink flowered bra! I recognize the strap!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> And yet you <b>don’t</b> recognize that you’re crazy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Here’s the plan! Okay? I’m going to leave you get a look at
|
||
Brenda’s bra!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Here’s another plan…No!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I would do it but she thinks I’m attracted to her!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Why?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Did you <b>not</b> hear where my head was? Come on! Come on we’re a
|
||
team! We’re in this together!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I fear a jury will see it the same way!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Do this for me! Come on, I catch you looking at woman’s breasts all
|
||
the time!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You see that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Do you see this? (Mimics him drooling over a woman’s breasts.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> All right. Yes. Okay. I get your point. But if it’s not your bra
|
||
will you just let the woman clean the apartment?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yes! Absolutely. Okay? Look, you’ll know it’s mine because on
|
||
the right cup, the lacey part, there’s a very noticeable rip.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You need new clothes.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Mrs. Verhoeven’s Apartment, Ross is back to inquire about the elder
|
||
Verhoeven’s health or lack there of.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi. How is she?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter:</b> It’s not looking good.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (happily) Oh. (Realizes then sadly) Oh. Well I uh, I brought her some
|
||
bloemen. (Flowers in Dutch.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter:</b> That’s so sweet. (Takes the flowers.) Would you
|
||
like to come in and say good-bye? I’m sure it would mean a lot to her.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh I don’t know that it would.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter:</b> Well, her memory is pretty much gone.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> All right then. (Follows her in and checks the place out.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Eric’s Apartment, he’s resting on the bed as Phoebe enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (entering) Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Eric:</b> Welcome back!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey! (Jumps on the bed with him.) Can we pick up where we left off?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Eric:</b> I don’t know, I’m still pretty tired out from this afternoon.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Why?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Eric:</b> Uh, the sex.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What sex?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Eric:</b> Our sex.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> We didn’t have sex.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Eric:</b> Well if I didn’t have sex with you, I had sex with someone that
|
||
looked an awful lot like…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (simultaneously as Eric) Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Eric:</b> (simultaneously as Phoebe) Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! No! No! No!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You-you…you had sex with Ursula?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Eric:</b> Uh, a little bit. She-she-she walked in and I thought she was you and I
|
||
kissed her and…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You didn’t notice she was wearing different clothes?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Eric:</b> Well I was just so excited to see you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ugh! Y’know what? This is too weird.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Eric:</b> No-no it’s not! I don’t want to lose you! It’s-it’s
|
||
like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love to her and I thought she was
|
||
you—Yeah it is too weird.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> So I guess this is it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Eric:</b> Yeah. (They hug.) Maybe it’s for the best. You smell just like her.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, so do you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is wiping the coffee table and Chandler is trying
|
||
to look at her bra and leans over on the coffee table to get a good look.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Brenda:</b> (noticing him) What are you doing?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’m leaning. This is where I lean.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Brenda:</b> Okay. (Goes over and fluffs up the pillows on the couch.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Brenda a bee!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Brenda:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes! It’s flown into your blouse and you’d better undo your
|
||
buttons lest it sting you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Brenda:</b> I think I know what’s going on here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Brenda:</b> Look, I know it must be hard that your wife is a lesbian, but it’s
|
||
wrong. You’re married.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I totally understand. (They both laugh.) Can I <b>just</b> see your
|
||
bra?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Hallway, Monica is sitting on the step as Rachel returns.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (looking at Rachel’s jeans) Where did you get those jeans?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> You gave them to me!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No I didn’t!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> All right, I took them. But I figured it would be okay because you got a
|
||
big ink stain on the crotch.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh no! Did you take my bra too?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What bra?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> The pink one with the flowers?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> You mean the one that you’re wearing? (Adjusts Monica’s pink
|
||
bra strap as Monica looks down her shirt.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Brenda:</b> (entering) I quit! (Storms off.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Sounds about right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel enters and notices that Joey has set up a space for
|
||
the baby where the couch was, complete with a crib.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What is this?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey! Uh, this is just to give you an idea. Okay well, we can put screens
|
||
here, (In front of the crib.) so that the baby has privacy, and-and-and maybe a mobile
|
||
over the crib. And uh—Oh look! Here’s a baby monitor (Holds it up), which until
|
||
the baby comes we can use as walkie-talkies. Huh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> You’re so sweet. (Notices something in the crib.) Oh my God! And
|
||
you gave the baby Hugsy! (A stuffed penguin wearing a ski jacket, goggles, and hat.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Ahhhhhhhhhhhh…. That-that-that’s really just to show where the
|
||
baby would go. Y’know why don’t I hold on to him so that there’s no
|
||
confusion? (Takes him back, sets him on the chair, and apologizes to him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> But Joey the baby is going to be crying, it’s going to be loud.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I’m loud!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> It’s gonna be up all night!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I’m up all night!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> It’s gonna poop!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hello!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What about all the women you want to bring home?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Look, if I’m bringing home a woman who can’t stand being around
|
||
a baby, then maybe I don’t want to be with that woman! Or maybe we’ll just do it
|
||
in the bathroom of the club!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Joey, are you sure?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah! All right—Look, I know sometimes it’ll be hard, okay? But,
|
||
it’ll also be really…really great. Please Rachel! I-I-I really want you to stay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I want me to stay too.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Ohh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Thank you. (They hug.) Oh Joey and look at this crib! It’s so cute!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I know! I found it on the street.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Are you serious—Really?! It’s in such good condition.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow! Whoa-whoa what’s under the covers?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I don’t know.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> It’s moving.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Ew.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> It’s still—(Screams)—It’s got a tail! Get it out of
|
||
here! Get it out of here!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Ooh! Ah! Okay! (Quickly drags the crib outside.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Dedicated to the Memory of Pearl Harmon</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Closing Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are toasting her staying put.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, the old lady died. And how do I know? Her dying wish was for one
|
||
last kiss. But I don’t care, (To Rachel) because you got the apartment. Yes!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ewww. Yeah. Umm. I think I’m gonna stay here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Isn’t that great?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (stutters looking for words) Ezels!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |