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<!-- saved from url=(0053)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season3/324ufc.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<title>The One With The Ultimate Fighting Champion</title>
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<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
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<body bgcolor="white" text="black" link="green" vlink="black" alink="yellow" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One With The Ultimate Fighting Champion</h1>
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<hr align="center">
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<p>Story by: Mark J. Kunerth & Pang-ni Landrum<br>
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Teleplay by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a> </p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang minus Monica is there.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Do you think that there’s a town in Missouri or some place called
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Sample? And ah, as you’re driving into town there’s-there’s like a sign,
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and it says “You’re in Sample.” (He says it like urine sample.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (entering) Hey.</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Hey! </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> How’d it go with Pete?!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Tell us!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You’re not gonna believe this. Okay, so I go over...</p>
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<p>[Two guys walk over and interrupt her. They’re both names you’ve already
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heard. One’s Billy Crystal. Yes, <b>that</b> Billy Crystal from <i>City Slickers</i>.
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The other one is Robin Williams. Yes, <b>that</b> Robin Williams from <i>Mrs. Doubtfire</i>.]</p>
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<p><b>Billy Crystal:</b> I’m sorry. Ex-excuse us. I’m sorry, it’s a little
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crowded. Do you mind if we... (motions to the couch)</p>
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<p><b>Robin Williams:</b> Yeah, could you scooch?</p>
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<p><b>Billy:</b> Yeah, move over just a little bit. </p>
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<p>(Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey all scooch over to let them sit down.)</p>
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<p><b>Robin:</b> Keep on scooching.</p>
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<p>[cut to Monica telling the gang about what happened at Pete’s]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> So guys, listen, I go over there, and umm...</p>
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<p>(Robin interrupts her again by complaining loudly to Billy as the camera cuts to them.)</p>
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<p><b>Robin:</b> Why? Why?! What’s wrong with me?!</p>
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<p><b>Billy:</b> What’s the matter?</p>
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<p><b>Robin:</b> I have a feelin’... I, my wife is sleeping with her gynaecologist.</p>
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<p>(The gang is now eaves dropping in on the conversation, and is shocked.)</p>
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<p><b>Billy:</b> How do you know?</p>
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<p><b>Robin:</b> Well y'know, he’s got access.</p>
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<p><b>Billy:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Robin:</b> Y'know it’s that feeling you get, y'know?</p>
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<p><b>Billy:</b> Like when you go bowling and you know you’re in somebody else’s
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shoes?</p>
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<p><b>Robin:</b> That’s the one.</p>
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<p>[cut back to the gang.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right, so, so you went to Pete’s...</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What happened?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (Robin is speaking loudly again) I...</p>
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<p>[cut to Billy and Robin]</p>
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<p><b>Robin:</b> Why is this happening to me?! I don’t know, maybe it’s my
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wound.</p>
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<p>[cut to the gang]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Forget it. (they all turn and listen to Billy and Robin)</p>
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<p><b>Billy:</b> So it’s-it’s not heeled yet?</p>
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<p><b>Robin:</b> No-no, it’s ooozing, oozing. (to Rachel) Could you pass me the
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cream? Is there any—Oh, there’s the cream.</p>
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<p><b>Billy:</b> Thomas, this is gonna be hard, but I wanted it to come from me, and
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nobody else.</p>
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<p><b>Robin:</b> What is it, Tim?</p>
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<p><b>Billy:</b> It’s me, I’ve been sleeping with your wife.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (to Billy) So you’re the gynaecologist?</p>
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<p><b>Billy:</b> (to Joey) Hey, I’m trying to have a private conversation! Is that
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okay?!</p>
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<p><b>Robin:</b> (starting to cry) Ooh, (to Rachel) Can I have a napkin, please? Could you
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please hand me a napkin? (Rachel tries to grab one, but is to slow for his tastes.) Would
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you--Give me this thing (grabs the napkin holder from her.) all right!! Enough! (to Billy)
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And you are no longer my friend! We are finished! (gets up to leave) Nada!! No more! You
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are a <b>bastard</b> for doing this!! (Billy follows him) Get away from me!!</p>
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<p><b>Billy:</b> Thomas, come back here! (they both leave)</p>
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<p>[cut to the gang, they’re all stunned]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> So Monica, what were you gonna tell us?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (pause) I have no idea.</p>
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<p align="center"><b>Opening Credits</b></p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> So, come on, what was the big news Pete wanted to tell you Mon?! Or
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should I say Mrs. Monica Becker?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No-no-no oh, keep your name, don’t take his name.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> He didn’t ask me to marry him.</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Ohh.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well then <b>definately</b> don’t take his name.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> He wanted to tell me he’s gonna compete is some ultimate fighting
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competition thingy.</p>
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<p><b>The Guys:</b> Pete?!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Why?! What is it?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I don’t know exactly. It’s-it’s sorta like wrestling.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (intrigued) Oh?!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, but without the costumes.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (disappointed) Oh.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> And it’s not fake, it’s totally brutal.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, it’s two guys in a ring, and the rules are:
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“They’re <b>are</b> no rules.”</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> So you can like, bite, and pull people’s hair and stuff?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, anything goes, except ah, eye gouging and fish hooking.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What’s fish hooking?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Huh, what’s fish hooking... (Joey sticks his finger in Ross’s
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mouth and pulls on his cheek, y'know like when you hook a fish.) (to Joey, sarcastic)
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Thanks man, that would have been really hard to describe. What is that taste?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> What? My hands are totally clean, I just gave the duck a bath.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler’s office, he is just finishing a meeting with his boss.]</p>
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<p><b>Doug:</b> So thanks for the warm welcome. It’s good to have you guys on my
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team, and I come to play. I hope you do too. Now, let’s go out there and get
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‘em! Huh? And remember, there is no ‘I’ in team.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes, but there’s two in martini, soo everybody <b>back</b> to my
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office.</p>
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<p><b>Doug:</b> (to Chandler) You! Chuckles! What’s your name?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh it’s Bing, sir. I’m sorry , I was just ah...</p>
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<p><b>Doug:</b> No-no, I heard what you said, funny. I like funny. (Chandler starts to
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leave) This team is about hard work, but it’s also about having fun. Good to have you
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aboard Bing! (smacks him on the butt, and Chandler leaves shocked.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is making reservations.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (on phone) That’s right, Ryder. Wynona Ryder for six. (listens) Thank
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you. (hangs up) (to the gang) Yeah, we have the reservations.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes!!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> All right buddy, way to go! (smacks him on the butt)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (stunned) Dude, what are you doing?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Thank you! Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like
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it was no big deal.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeesh, what’d you do about it?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, I didn’t do anything. I didn’t want to be the guy who
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has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I gotta tell ya, I think it’s okay to be that guy.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, maybe it’s like y'know, that jock thing. Y'know how football
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players pat each other after touchdowns. (pats Ross on the butt) </p>
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<p>(Ross throws his hands out in a “What are you doing?” gesture)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Y'know I don’t, I don’t understand guys, I mean I-I would
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never congratulate Monica on a great stew by y'know, grabbin’ her boob.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just y'know, stick your head
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in between ‘em.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, can we please go eat?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah. What are we getting?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (to Chandler) Anything but stew.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> All right so, Chandler, from now on, don’t give your boss a chance to
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get you. Y'know just ah, don’t turn your back to him.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, or you can teach him a lesson. Y'know? What you could do is you
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could rub something that really smells on your butt, all right? Then, when he goes to
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smack ya, his hand will smell. (thinking aloud) Now what could you rub on your butt that
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would smell bad?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (to Ross and Monica) What if Joey were president?</p>
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<p>(Monica, Ross, Chandler, and Joey exit.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Umm, hey Rach, can I ask you something?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, you can totally say no, but umm, would it be okay with you if I
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set Ross up on a date?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, ah with who?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Umm, my friend, Bonnie. She just always thought Ross was really cute,
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and now that you two aren’t together, she asked if I could set it up, but if
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you’re not cool with it...</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh-oh-oh, which one is Bonnie again?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You remember her from my birthday party two years ago. She’s yeah,
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like, average height, medium build, bald...</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh! (laughs) That’s fine.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Great! Okay, good for you! (as they leave she slaps Rachel on the butt)</p>
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<p>[Scene: A Gym, Pete is training for the Ultimate Fighting Championship, with his
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trainer, Hoshi.]</p>
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<p><b>Hoshi:</b> You are iron. You are steel! Let me ask you something, how come when I
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call your computer support line, I have to wait an hour and a half?</p>
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<p><b>Pete:</b> I told you, we’re adding new operators all the time. Could we
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concentrate on my training?</p>
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<p><b>Hoshi:</b> It’s just hard when I know I have e-mail <b>I can’t get</b>! </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (entering) Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Pete:</b> Monica! (runs over and kisses her) Hi honey.</p>
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<p><b>Hoshi:</b> All right, on the table. (Pete gets on the table for his rubdown)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey, umm, so listen umm, my friends were telling me a little about this
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ah, ultimate fighting thing and it, well it sounds really dangerous. I-I don’t want
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you to get hurt, ‘cause I kinda like you.</p>
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<p><b>Pete:</b> Oh, believe me, I don’t want to get hurt either. I’m being smart
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about this. See these guys? They’re the best trainers in the world, and Hoshi here
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used to be a paid assassin. (Hoshi yells at him in Chinese) A house painter! He used to be
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a house painter.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Promise me you’ll be careful.</p>
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<p><b>Pete:</b> I promise.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey, are we still on for tonight?</p>
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<p><b>Pete:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, good, ‘cause umm, well maybe we could have a little workout
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of our own...</p>
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<p><b>Hoshi:</b> No! No boom-boom before big fight!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> How ‘bout just a boom?</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with Bonnie, as Rachel enters.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (to Phoebe) Well that was depressing, I think I just bought a soft
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pretzel from one of the kids from <i>Fame</i>. Ready to go to the movies?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Um-hmm. Oh wait! This is Bonnie. (who has hair by the way)</p>
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<p><b>Bonnie:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> This is Bonnie? (to Phoebe) This is Bonnie? (to Bonnie) You’re
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Bonnie?</p>
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<p><b>Bonnie:</b> I can show you an ID if you want?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh no, I’m sorry, you look a lot different from the last time I-I
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saw you.</p>
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<p><b>Bonnie:</b> Oh yeah, well I just started wearing bras again.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, that must be it.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (to Bonnie) Well I hope you have fun tonight.</p>
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<p><b>Bonnie:</b> Thanks! You too.</p>
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<p>(Phoebe starts to leave, Rachel slowly follows, shocked about how good Bonnie looks
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now.)</p>
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<p>[cut to outside of Central Perk]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (to Phoebe) You said she was bald.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, she was bald, she’s not now.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> How could you not tell me that she has hair?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I don’t know, I hardly ever say that about people.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (looks in the window) Ohh, well, this is just perfect!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well I’m sorry, I thought you said it was okay.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, I said what was okay when I thought she was some weird bald chick.
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I mean, y'know, that girl has hair got <b>all</b> over head!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, maybe it won’t work out. Maybe Ross won’t like her
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personality.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Why, does she have a bad personality?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh no, Bonnie’s the best!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler’s office, Chandler is bent over getting some water as his boss
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approaches.]</p>
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<p><b>Doug:</b> Bing! (Chandler stands bolt upright and turns around to face him.) Read
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your Computech proposal, a real homerun. (He goes to slap his butt, but Chandler slides
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over making him miss.) Ooh. Barely got ya that time, get over here. Come on. (Chandler
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goes over) Wham! (slaps him on the butt) Good one. That was a good one. (to a couple of
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Chandler’s co-workers) Keep at it team. (goes into his office)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (to his co-workers) What is with him?</p>
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<p><b>Phil:</b> With him? You’re is favourite, you’re his guy!</p>
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<p><b>Stevens:</b> We never get smacked.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, that’s not true, he-he smacked you once.</p>
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<p><b>Phil:</b> Not on purpose, he ricocheted of you and got me.</p>
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<p><b>Stevens:</b> I’m telling you, I need some smacks. I got a kid starting
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Dartmouth in the fall.</p>
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<p><b>Doug:</b> (coming out of his office) Dartmouth? Who went to Dartmouth? Dartmouth
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sucks. Did you go to Dartmouth Bing?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No sir.</p>
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<p><b>Doug:</b> There you go. (smacks him on the butt)</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Ultimate Fighting Championship, Ross and Monica are there watching Pete.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (walking up with this <b>huge</b> tub-o-popcorn and drink) Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> God Ross, what is that?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, it’s the Ultimate Fighting Combo. Yeah, I saved thirty cents,
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plus I get to keep the cup. Yay!!</p>
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<p><b>Announcer:</b> From New York City, New York! Appearing in his Ultimate Fighting
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Championship debut! He’s known for his confrontational business style. Ladies and
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Gentlemen, introducing Pete Beck-errrr!!</p>
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<p>[Pete enters with his entourage all pumped up, and Ross and Monica are the only ones
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who stand up and cheer.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I love you, Pete!!!</p>
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<p><b>Announcer:</b> And his opponent, from Hunnington Beach, California! He’s a 300
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pound street fighter, Tank Abbottttttt!!!! </p>
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<p>(The crowd goes wild, and Ross is the only one boo-ing him.)</p>
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|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (going up to the ring) Pete! Pete!! That guy’s pretty huge!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> Don’t worry, Hoshi taught me how to use an opponent’s strength
|
||
and weight against him.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, then that guy is in serious, serious trouble.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Pete and Monica kiss, and Monica mouths “I love you.” to him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> All right! You go get him! Let’s go!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Referee:</b> Here we go gentlemen, here we go! (to Tank Abbott) Are you ready? (He
|
||
nods, and takes out his teeth) (to Pete) Are you ready? (Pete nods, “Yes.”)
|
||
Let’s get it on!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They both rush each other. Tank picks Pete up and carries him over and slams him into
|
||
the fence surrounding the ring.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> Uh-oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Tank carries Pete over to the other side of the ring, and we see both Ross and Monica
|
||
wince in pain.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><b>Commercial Break</b></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Arena, after the fight. Monica is walking up to a defeated Pete.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey! (she sits down next to him) It’s me. Mon-i-ca! Can I just tell
|
||
you how proud I am of you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> It would be nice after hearing 20,000 people chant “You suck!”</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I mean I-I thought you were nuts at first, but you-you did it. And now
|
||
you can just look back at this thing with no regrets.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> What, look back?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, you’re not gonna get going are you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> Well let me ask you a question. Am I the Ultimate Fighting Champion?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, no. But...</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> Well I’m not gonna stop until I’m the Ultimate Fighting
|
||
Champion.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> That guy stood on your neck until you passed out!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> Let me tell you a story. When I set out to create Moss 865, do you think
|
||
it just happened overnight? No. There was Moss 1, that burnt down my Dad’s garage,
|
||
there was Moss 2 that would only schedule appointments in January, and 862 others that I
|
||
learned from, just like I learned from this fight, never to let a guy stand on my neck.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You didn’t know that already?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> Look, I’m gonna get better. Okay? I promise you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, just get a lot better. (pause) Fast.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> Oh, one other thing. Hoshi thinks that you being ringside may have
|
||
affected my concentration.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah. That-that was the problem.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's balcony, Ross and Phoebe are grilling some burgers and hot
|
||
dogs.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (joining them) Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey! How long until Pete’s fight?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, about five minutes. Right now they’re interviewing his
|
||
opponent. Apparently he trains by going to Iran and pulling the arms off thieves.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hot dog?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Four, please. (Ross looks at her) I’m really nervous. (Ross gives
|
||
her the four dogs) Thank you. (she grabs four buns, and heads back inside)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> So Ross, how umm, how did it go with Bonnie?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What? Oh! I gotta tell you, I-I wasn’t expecting to like her at all,
|
||
I mean I actually wasn’t expecting to like anyone right now, but she’s really
|
||
terrific.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ohh, that’s too bad!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No, I-I’m saying I liked her.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, y'know what, there are other fish in the sea.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Pheebs, I think she’s great. Okay? We’re going out again.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, I hear you! Are you capable of talking about any thing else?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (joining them) Hey! Which one’s my turkey burger?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Ahh, the one next to my foot. Sorry.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (sticking his head out the window) Hey, the fight’s starting!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, we’ll be right in. (to Chandler) So ah, did your boss try to
|
||
slap you again today?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Nine times! Okay, I had to put on lotion! But, it’s gonna be
|
||
okay, because as of tomorrow I’m conducting an experiment, and if all goes as
|
||
planned, my butt will be smack free.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (sticking his head out the window) Fight’s over!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe all stop dead in their tracks at the news.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler’s office, Chandler is confronting his boss about the butt
|
||
smacking thing. His boss is writing on a white board.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Excuse me, Doug? (no reaction) Hey there sports fan!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Doug:</b> (turning around) Bing! You got those numbers for me?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, I ah, I didn’t do them.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Doug:</b> Oh, you forgot?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, no I just ah, didn’t do them. Instead, I ah, hung out with a
|
||
couple of friends and had a couple of beers so I certainly don’t deserve any praise,
|
||
verbal or otherwise.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Doug:</b> Well, I got tanked myself last night. Pretty dicey drive home, Tapanzi
|
||
Bridge never looked smaller. (laughs) That’s okay, you’re still my number one
|
||
guy! (slaps him on the butt) Bing!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Doug!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Doug:</b> Hmm.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I’m a little bit uncomfortable with the that way you express
|
||
yourself.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Doug:</b> Oh, is it the swearing? I mean is it the constant swearing? Because I
|
||
gotta tell ya, if it is, you can just... kiss my ass!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, no. It-it’s not about the swearing, it’s more about ah,
|
||
the way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my buttock.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Doug:</b> Oh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, and don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. It’s
|
||
just that I, I have a rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, it’s making all
|
||
the other guys jealous.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Doug:</b> Well, say no more. Y'know it takes guts to bring this up. Bing!
|
||
You’re okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay. (he starts to leave)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Doug:</b> Ha! (goes to smack him on the butt, but stops, faking Chandler out)
|
||
Ahhhhhhh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ahhhhh! (walks out, imitating shooting himself in the head)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are talking and walking.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay. Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant, or
|
||
inside his shower drain?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (seeing Ross and Bonnie inside Central Perk) Oh my God! Phoebe look,
|
||
it’s Ross and that girl.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(We see Ross and Bonnie laughing and having a good time.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No! No! Look at that! (drags her away from the window) It’s a line
|
||
of ants! They’re working as a team!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Phoebe! (goes back to the window)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (looking in the window) Right, oh yeah. Wow, oh, it looks like Ross is
|
||
breaking up with her. Uff, I hope he lets her down easy. Let’s go.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Come on Phoebe, look at that! They are not breaking up, look at them.
|
||
Okay that’s, you know what that is? That is a, that is a second date, that’s
|
||
what that is! Look at that, she just put her hand on his thigh...</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh no! That really is nothing, she is <b>very</b> sexually aggressive.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh! (walking away from the window) Phoebe, this is all your fault! Now
|
||
he loves her, he’s gonna marry her, and this is all your fault.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You said it was okay!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> You said she was bald!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What?! What-what-what-what-what?!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Phoebe, we can’t, we just can’t just let it happen! Okay, we
|
||
have to do something! We have to break them up! Okay? Just go in there and like, shave her
|
||
head! You owe me one bald girl!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, first of all, breathe. Second of all, I don’t get it.
|
||
Aren’t you the one that decided that you didn’t want to be with Ross?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (quietly) Yes.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well isn’t he your friend? Don’t you want him to be happy?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> So?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I just y'know, I didn’t expect him to be this happy so soon. Ufff.
|
||
Ooo-ooh! (sits down on the curb) </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (sits down next to her and hugs her) Oh no.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, we killed them all.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They both jump up and wipe off their butts.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: A locker room, Pete is in a full upper-body cast. Monica enters, sees him, and
|
||
gasps. Pete tries to turn around, and winces in pain.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> It’s okay, it’s not as bad as it looks, it’s a precaution.
|
||
Ah, I’m not supposed to move my spine.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Please tell me you’re stopping now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> I’m fine! I’d fight tonight, if they’d let me. (stands up
|
||
and starts swinging his arms) See this circle I’m marking off here? This is my zone
|
||
of terror.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You are insane! You-you gotta give this up!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> I can’t until I’m the ultimate fighter. I will do it. I’m
|
||
telling you, the day will come when children will argue over who will win a fight, me or
|
||
Superman. Now, I’m not saying I could beat Superman, but y'know, kids are stupid.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Sit down. All right? Please, just listen to me. You are terrible at
|
||
this! Okay? You are the worst ultimate fighter ever! Ever!! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> Y'know I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right
|
||
forearm, and a severely bruised Adam’s Apple, but that really hurt.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well then, y'know what? I care about you to much to watch you hurt
|
||
yourself like this. So if you have to do this, then you’re gonna have to do it
|
||
without me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> Well if you’re asking me to quit, then you’re asking me to be
|
||
someone I’m not. I’ve got to do this.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Then I’ve gotta go. Bye. (kisses him and starts to walk out)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> Mon-Monica?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yes?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Pete:</b> Could you leave a note? ‘Cause I’m on a lot of pain killers now,
|
||
and I don’t know if I’ll remember this tomorrow. (She leaves.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler’s office, he is just finishing up a meeting with his boss and the
|
||
rest of his team.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Doug:</b> So, in conclusion, the lines all go up (points to the chart), so I’m
|
||
happy. Great job team! Tomorrow at 8:30. (They start to leave) Phil! Nice job. (smacks him
|
||
on the butt) Stevens! Way to go! (smacks him on the butt) Joel-burg, you maniac! I love
|
||
ya! (smacks him on the butt) (Chandler walks up) Bing! Good job, couldn’t have done
|
||
it without ya. (he shakes his hand)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Thank you, sir.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Stevens:</b> (coming back in) Oh, excuse me. I forgot my briefcase y'know, by
|
||
accident.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Doug:</b> Of course, you did. Forgot something else too ya bastard! (smacks him on
|
||
the butt) (to Chandler) Well, what about you? You’re not feeling left out or anything
|
||
are ya?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No. No, not at all, that’s-that’s ridiculous.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Doug:</b> Everybody else got one, and you want one too. Don’t you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ye-ye-yeah, yes I do!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Doug:</b> Now get on out of here, you! (smacks him on the butt)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><b>Closing Credits</b></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is watching Pete fight on TV. Monica is hiding in
|
||
the kitchen, not watching.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>TV Announcer:</b> Pete Becker is circling the ring now. It looks like, he’s
|
||
just trying to feel him out. Oh, Bruiser is just...</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Run! Run you crazy, rich freak!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, I can’t watch this. (turns her eyes away)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Check it out, he’s winning! (to Monica) Pete’s winning!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Really?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> No-o-o!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>TV Announcer:</b> Uh-oh, Bruiser has Becker on the canvas and is going for his
|
||
favourite area.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>All:</b> Oh! Oh! (they all recoil in horror)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Wait, if that’s his favourite area, why is he being so mean to it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well, this is ironic. Of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn’t
|
||
want to have kids, and from the looks of it, now Pete can’t.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>All:</b> Ohh!! (they all start pointing at the screen)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><b>End</b></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |