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<title>The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth’s Dad</title>
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<body bgcolor="#FFFFFF" link="#008000" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth’s Dad</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Teleplay by: Scott Siveri<br>
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Story by: David J. Lagana<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica are there. Rachel is reading
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everyone’s horoscope.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, Chandler!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> And your horoscope says, "On the fifth a special someone is going
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to give you a gift."</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Monica) Oh, well thank you in advance. (Kisses her.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Op, but the twelfth brings a lover’s spat.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (To Chandler) <b>You</b> are going to make a joke about my special
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present! Why would you do that?!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, wait and on the nineteenth a secret crush announces itself.</p>
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<p>(Phoebe winks and licks her lips while eyeing Chandler.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey guys!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey!!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (ecstatic) Oh my God! It’s Joey Tribbiani of Mac and
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C.H.E.E.S.E.!!!!!!!</p>
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<p>(Everyone claps and cheers, Joey mimics looking about with a gun.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh that’s right. It’s your first day! So are you psyched to
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fight fake crime with your robot sidekick?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Am I psyched? The lead in my own TV series? I’ve dreamed about this
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for years! Why have I not been preparing?!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No! Joey, you’re going to be great!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> But I got to act with a robot Pheebs, and-and I don’t know anything
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about technology! I can’t even use Chandler’s computer except to find porn!
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And-and that’s only ‘cause it’s right there when you turn it on!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I think our lover’s spat will start a little early this month.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (in a sexy voice to Chandler) I’ll be waiting.</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse. Phoebe is now looking at the covers of two different
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books.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Are you judging them by their covers? Because you’re really not
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supposed to do that.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, I’m just deciding which one to use—I’m gonna start
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writing another book!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Be-because the last one was such a big seller?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, if you must know I have written 14 books. And as I am the only one
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who has read them, I can tell you that they all have been very well received. </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (entering) Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What are you guys doing later?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, Rachel and I have appointments to get our hair cut.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (To Phoebe) We do?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I want to see what he wants first.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (continuing) I just found out that Elizabeth’s dad wants to meet me.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Wait a minute, hold the phone! You’re not Elizabeth’s dad?!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Come on guys, I-I really want this guy to like me. It-it would really help
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me out if you guys were here to make me look good.</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Of course we’ll help! Yeah! We’ll be here!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Thanks!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> We know how tough those parent/teacher conferences can be.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, it’s the set of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. The producer is
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showing Joey around the set.]</p>
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<p><b>The Producer:</b> (walking into Mac’s office) So uh, here’s your office
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set!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Wow! Huh? (Picks up the phone) Mac Macaveli, Private Investigator!</p>
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<p><b>The Producer:</b> (checking his watch) Let’s get you into wardrobe for a
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fitting.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay. Hey uh, when do I get to meet the robot?</p>
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<p><b>The Producer:</b> I’m sorry, why don’t we do that right now? He’s
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right here. (Points to a guy.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>The Producer:</b> Joey Tribbiani, this is…</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh wow! He’s so lifelike! (Starts touching the guy’s cheeks)
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Unbelievable! (He starts tugging on the guy’s ears.</p>
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<p><b>The Producer:</b> This is Wayne, the man who created and operates C.H.E.E.S.E.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (slaps Wayne on his cheek) How do you do there, Wayne? (Backs away.)</p>
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<p><b>The Producer:</b> I’ll let you two guys get acquainted, huh? (Walks away.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay. Sorry about that…(Mimics that cheek thing he just did.) Uh, so
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where’s C.H.E.E.S.E.?</p>
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<p><b>Wayne:</b> C.H.E.E.S.E. is right here. (He puts on his headset, picks up the
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controller, and wheels C.H.E.E.S.E. in. C.H.E.E.S.E. is just a plain old robot on tracks;
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he kinda looks like No. 5 in the movie <i>Short Circuit</i>.)</p>
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<p><b>C.H.E.E.S.E.:</b> (Wayne with a computerized voice) Nice to meet you Mac!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (laughs) This is like the temporary robot, right?</p>
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<p><b>Wayne:</b> No. Why?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, I-I just, I just it was going to be like a really cool robot,
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y’know? Like the terminator or uh, when I first saw you.</p>
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<p><b>Wayne:</b> I spent two years developing this machine, it’s absolutely state of
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the art.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I’m sorry, it just—I don’t know it doesn’t really look
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like it can do anything.</p>
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<p><b>Wayne:</b> It can do this. (He moves C.H.E.E.S.E.’s arm close to Joey’s
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special area and he jumps back.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is at the counter drinking coffee as Elizabeth enters with
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her dad, Paul. Elizabeth goes to kiss Ross, but he just kisses her on the forehead. By the
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way Paul is played by Bruce Willis. Yes, that Bruce Willis from <i>Moonlighting</i>, <i>Die
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Hard</i>, and <i>Armageddon</i>.]</p>
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<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> This is my father, Paul Stevens. Dad, this is Ross Geller.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> It-it’s great to meet you Paul.</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> I usually prefer Elizabeth’s boyfriends to address me as Mr. Stevens.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Of course, of course, Mr. Stevens.</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> So Ross, what your problem?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Eh-wh—Excuse me?</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Why can’t you get a girlfriend your own age?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> That’s funny. Umm…. (Pause, then serious) It’s not funny.</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> <b>I</b> don’t like you going out with my daughter Ross.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay. I can, I can see that. Umm, but I think if you give me umm, one
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chance I can, I can change your mind.</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Okay. I’ll give you one chance to change my mind. (Ross laughs in
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relief) You got one minute. (Ross suddenly gets worried.)</p>
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<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Daddy!</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Fine! Two minutes. Go.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> This is—you—(Ross starts laughing.)</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> (laughs then checking his watch) 1 minute 50 seconds.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, umm I want you to know that I have never done anything like this
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before. I mean, I mean I’ve been in um, relationships in general, uh but I have never
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done it with a student—I mean I not—not <b>it</b>! I mean, I mean I
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don’t—We haven’t done <b>it</b>. Uh, I mean, I mean,
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we’ve-we’ve-we’ve done stuff. (Paul is not amused.) Okay, okay, a joke, a
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joke—lighten the mood. Umm, two guys go into a bar. One of them is Irish.</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> I’m Irish.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> And the Irish guy wins the joke!</p>
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<p>(Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe enter.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Ross!!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ross!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> How crazy that we’d run into you!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh God, thank you! (Runs and gives all of them a group hug.) Umm, uh, Mr.
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Stevens I’d like you to meet my friends uh, this is Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You’re Elizabeth’s father, huh? I can see now where she gets
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her rugged handsomeness.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (obviously attracted to him) Is-is-is there a-a Mrs. Stevens?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> There’s a Mr. Bing!</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> No, unfortunately Lizzie’s mom passed away shortly after she was
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born. I raised her by myself.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe and <b>Monica:</b></b> (sympathetic) Ohh!</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> I get that a lot.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay umm, why don’t we all take a seat, y’know? And uh, and
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I’ll get us all some uh some coffees—(He goes to pull out Elizabeth’s
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chair, but Paul steps in)—Yeah, why don’t you. (Paul pulls out her chair) Uh and
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you guys can talk about whatever, whatever you want. Y’know? Whatever pops into your
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head. (He turns his back to Paul and Elizabeth and points to himself for Chandler, Monica,
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and Phoebe. Then he goes to order the coffee.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Y’know, it is so strange seeing Ross here this time of day,
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‘cause usually he’s got the children’s hospital.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah. Not looking for dates. (Monica turns in horror.)</p>
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<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> So uh, Monica is Ross’s sister.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> And he’s a <b>great</b> brother!</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> I had a sister.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Ohh!</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> She passed away.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica and <b>Phoebe:</b> </b>(sympathetic) Ohh!</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Oh, you don’t have to do that every time.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> But uh Ross, Ross is a great guy! I was roommates with him in college.
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Uh, funny story… (He starts laughing then notices that Paul isn’t happy.)
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You’re roommate in college died didn’t he?</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> A part of him did yes.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (returning with the coffee) Okay here we are Paul, Elizabeth. (He sets
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down their cups.) So I hope you guys were finding something to talk about.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes, we were just…</p>
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<p>(Rachel runs in.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi, I’m sorry I’m late but I am ready, ready to talk you up!
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When does Liz’s father get here?</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> I’m already here.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh! Ross is sooo great!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is working on her book at the kitchen
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table, Monica is on the couch, and Chandler is entering from the bathroom carrying a
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package of toilet paper.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey honey, you got the kind with the little girl, you said we were
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gonna to get the kind with the baby.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No, you said the baby creeps you out.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, the little girl creeps me out.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You said the baby.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Why would the baby creep me out?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Why would the little girl creep you out?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (writing frantically) You guys, I’m sorry, could you please talk a
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little slower? </p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> This is going in your book?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, it’s about relationships. Y’know? The traps, the
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pitfalls, what not to do, keep going. This stuff is great!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What?! Excuse me!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> And how none of it matters when the people really love each other.
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(Chandler and Monica kiss.) And how people will believe anything you tell them as long as
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it’s a compliment.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there alone as Paul enters.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (seeing him) Oh hi!</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Hi! Hi. (He’s looking around.) I think I left my keys here somewhere.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh! Well let’s look for them. (Finds some under one of the couch
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cushions. It has a pink, fuzzy ball on the key chain.) Oh-oh-hey! Are these them?</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> No.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> All right! (Throws them back under the cushion.)</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Oh, here they are right here. (Picks them up from underneath the corner of
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the couch.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh good.</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Thanks for your help. (Starts to leave.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (chasing after him) Oh, wait! Sorry, Mr. Paul? Mr. Paul?</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Just call me Paul.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Paul. Umm, I just wanted you to know that Ross really is a great guy.</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Well maybe you can date him then that would save me the trouble of killing
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him. (Rachel laughs then starts looking at him.) Are you okay?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> You just don’t look old enough to have a twenty-year-old daughter.</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Well, we were very young when we had her.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh. We?</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Well yeah, it usually, it takes two people to… (He taps his index
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fingers together.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh no! Yes! Of course, I know that! I just—I meant y’know are
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you still a ‘We’ or are you just ‘You?’</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> I’m just me, my wife died shortly after Lizzie was born.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (sympathetic) Ohh. So you raised her all on your own?</p>
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<p><b>Paul:</b> Yes I did.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ohh. (She touches his arm for support and likes what she feels) Ooh!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is still writing in her book, Chandler
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and Monica are in the kitchen as Joey enters.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> How was your first day?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Pretty great! Except I did get a little attitude from the robot.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Damn those robots, they’re supposed to be our <b>faith</b>ful
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servants!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Anyway, it wasn’t the robot, it was the guy who controls him. Yeah,
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he doesn’t like me. He had C.H.E.E.S.E. knock over the sandwich right when I was
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reaching for one! Ohh!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, why don’t you just get him fired?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I may have to, I hate to do it, but I’m the star! Y’know?
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There’s a limit to how many sandwiches I can eat off the floor. (His cell phone
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rings) Excuse me. (Answers it, on phone) Joey Tribbiani. </p>
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<p><b>Estelle:</b> (on the other end) Joe! I’m glad I found ya, I got an audition for
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ya!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Wow!</p>
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<p><b>Estelle:</b> The thing is it’s kinda on the Q.T. The actor who has the part
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doesn’t know he might be fired. It’s the lead in a series, Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.</p>
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|
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<p><b>Joey:</b> I’m the lead in Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Estelle:</b> Uh-oh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is entering looking for Joey, but instead he finds Paul
|
||
and Rachel making out on the couch.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Joey?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Hi Ross.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I was just getting him to like you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, scene is continued from earlier.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Joey?! Joey!! (He runs into his bedroom.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross, Joey is not here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, I’ll just wait for him in here!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross, it’s okay. You can come out.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Yeah Ross it’s okay, it’s me, Mr. Stevens.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (coming out of the bedroom) Oh! Oh my God! I didn’t even see you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Sure you did! You came in, you got all awkward, and you ran into the
|
||
bedroom. You were shouting, "Joey! Joey!" Bye Rach. (Kisses her.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Bye!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> I’ll call you later. Bye Ross. (Leaves)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What-what-what the—how da-how did-what the-how did-what?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, y’know he lost his keys so he was looking for them…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (incredulous) In your mouth?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> No! Downstairs! And we got to talking y’know, for like two hours,
|
||
and I really liked him so I invited him up here for a cup of coffee.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You were at the coffee<b>house</b>!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross, what’s the big deal? So I kissed the guy!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> He is my girlfriend’s father, okay? It’s-it’s, it’s
|
||
weird!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wh—You dated my sister!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> That was different!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What? Why?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> This is weird for <b>me</b>!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross look, look this is good for you. Okay? Let’s face it, so far
|
||
the guy’s not lovin’ ya! But I can turn that around! I got the inside track! We
|
||
can all go out to dinner, y’know? And I can talk you up! Ross, the guy is a very, <b>very</b>
|
||
successful lawyer!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> How is that important?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh it’s important!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Joey is telling everyone about his impending
|
||
termination at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Apparently, there’s like a million guys out there that can play Mac,
|
||
and there’s only this one robot and this one guy who controls it! I didn’t know
|
||
he could get me fired! What am I going to do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well y’know Joey, you’re a pretty charming guy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Thanks, but I kinda have a problem to deal with here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No sweetie, you’ve got to win over the guy that controls
|
||
C.H.E.E.S.E.! You’ve got to kiss some serious robot ass!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> That’s not a bad idea. Yeah. Okay, but if I got to turn on the charm
|
||
tomorrow I’m not wasting anymore of it over here with you guys. (Starts to leave, but
|
||
stops and turns to Phoebe.) Well, actually I got a little bit saved for you Pheebs.
|
||
(Exits.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> So do you think uh, Joey’s more charming than me?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah! That’s why I’m sleeping with him on the side.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, you wish. (Stops to think about it and gets depressed.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (writing in her book) "You wish."</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe, stop writing about us!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I’m not writing about you! I’m writing about other people.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Who?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Marcia and Chester.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay fine! Fine! Then you know what, I’ll just write about Phyllis!
|
||
Hmm!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hmm.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (writing on a piece of paper) Phyllis is sitting in a chair.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I see what you’re doing!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (still writing) Phyllis sees what I’m doing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh-oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ooh, I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is walking up to C.H.E.E.S.E. and Wayne.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Morning! Hey, how’s my favorite genius and my little robot buddy?!
|
||
(Pats C.H.E.E.S.E. on the head.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Wayne:</b> Don’t touch him!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay! (He yanks his hand away.) All right. Umm, all right Wayne, level
|
||
with me. Okay? I-I keep hearing all these rumors that I might get fired. Okay, they even
|
||
have actors coming in to read for my part! Come on man, you-you got to give me a second
|
||
chance! I mean, I love-I love this little guy! (He grabs C.H.E.E.S.E.’s arm and pulls
|
||
it off at the elbow.) Ah-ah!! (Wayne is shocked.) Okay, that’s why you didn’t
|
||
want me to touch him right? Here you go! Okay? (Hands Wayne the arm and he goes to fix it.
|
||
Meanwhile Joey starts to berate himself.) Stupid! I can’t believe it! God! (A very
|
||
beautiful woman walks by.) (To her) Hey, how you doin’? (He and her go over to talk
|
||
and Wayne looks on with envy.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: A Restaurant, Ross and Rachel are on their double date. Rachel is busy talking
|
||
Ross up.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> So it seemed that my prom date had stood me up, so Ross selflessly,
|
||
offered to take me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> What a nice story!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> So Ross was in college and decided to jump at the chance to take a young
|
||
girl to her high school prom.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow! I <b>definitely</b> did not see that one backfiring! I’m gonna
|
||
go to the bathroom.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, take your time. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Rachel heads for the bathroom.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (to Paul) Just-just so you know I was a freshman and she was a senior. So
|
||
it wasn’t as bad as-as…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Ross, look, I know I’ve been giving you a lot of jabs and it’s
|
||
partly because I’m very protective of Lizzie, and partly because well, they just keep
|
||
coming to me. But I have to admit that after all the wonderful things that Lizzie has told
|
||
me and the many, many, (pause) many stories that Rachel has told me that, well (pause)
|
||
you’re not (pause) all bad.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Not all bad.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> And anyhow, I’m sorry I was so harsh before, but you have to
|
||
understand that I (pause) still look at Lizzie like she’s a twelve-year-old girl.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah. You know what? I know what you mean; I do that too.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> I beg your pardon?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No! No! Not—I don’t mean I-I see her as a twelve-year-old girl!
|
||
I mean I-I have a son, who’s umm six and I still think of him as a baby.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> You have a son?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, well my-my ex-wife and I share custody of Ben and umm, uh, and just
|
||
so you know, Carol and I are on <b>excellent</b> terms as I’m sure you are with your
|
||
wife! (Realizes) Oh, I’m sorry! (To Elizabeth) It’s unbelievable!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Don’t worry about it, I just didn’t realize you were married.
|
||
(Rachel returns and hears that.) </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh we were, but that was just a (pause as the audience reacts), I mean
|
||
that was just a big drunken mistake.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> You’re back.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> You two were married?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh! Whoops! I’m sorry, you were talking about Emily!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross slams his head down on the table.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are entering and
|
||
they’re arguing.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Chandler, we said we would meet at the coffeehouse at six.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> We said seven!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> We said six!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> The only way that I said six would be if the seven’s, let meet at
|
||
seven, not at six.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah and if I had seven, maybe I would’ve said something like this,
|
||
"Wow! My boyfriend’s such a wise ass—seven!"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (Turning around in the chair) Hi!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh my good God.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Ugh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I know what time you said.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well actually, I know what time Chester and Marcia said.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What time?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Quite an interesting turn of events, suddenly it’s my book to the
|
||
rescue, huh? (Reading her book) Ooh, very interesting. Yeah, well this certainly clears
|
||
things up.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (disgusted) What does it say?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I will tell you as soon as you thank me for writing my book.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Thank you for writing your book. Its-its uh, great book and you are
|
||
the queen of everything.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Thanks! So are you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Monica) I <b>told</b> you I should not wear this color. (He’s
|
||
wearing a reddish-orange sweater.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (reading from her book) Mon… (Pause as she restarts) Marcia and
|
||
Chester are planning on seeing a movie on Sunday night. Marcia thinks they’re
|
||
supposed to meet at six, Chester thinks it’s at seven.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> So you knew we were gonna miss the movie!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> That’s right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Inside of telling us you decided to write in your stupid book!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (writing in her book) Marcia and Chester are mad at Phyllis.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey’s Dressing Room, Joey and Chandler are there.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I can’t believe I’m going to lose this job!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh I’m so sorry man! Is there anything I can do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah! Help me get this mini-fridge past the security guard.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(There’s a knock on the door and Joey answers it to Wayne.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Wayne:</b> Hey Joey, I want to talk to you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah? Well, I don’t want to talk to you Wayne! I hate you! You ruined
|
||
my life! Oh, Chandler, Wayne. Wayne, Chandler. (They shake hands.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hi, how are ya?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Wayne:</b> Joey, Joey, I-I-I’ll g-get you your job back if you help me out.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (incredulous) Why should I help you?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (whispering in Joey’s ear) The reason he just said.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (happily) What do you need?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Wayne:</b> I-I-I saw you on stage talking to that beautiful woman, y’know
|
||
Sarah? </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Wayne:</b> I wish I could talk to her.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What are you in love with her or something?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Wayne:</b> Yeah. Her. All of them. Anyone.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, I’ve been there my friend.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Wayne:</b> Listen, I-I guarantee you keep your job if you can teach me how to talk
|
||
to women like you do.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh wow Wayne, it’s not really something you can teach y’know?
|
||
It’s pretty much something you’re born with if you—(Off Chandler’s
|
||
look)—You-you can teach it! I’ll show you right how to do it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel is still trying to talk up Ross, not to much success.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I mean if you think about it, I mean Ross did learn something from each
|
||
marriage.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> How to make the next one even shorter?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Now wait a minute that’s not fair. He was married to me a hell of a
|
||
lot longer than he was married to Emily, he just didn’t tell me. (Everyone looks at
|
||
her, Ross not happily.) Maybe I have to pee again. (Gets up to try to use the bathroom.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Well, this is fun. So Ross, did you kill any of these wives?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Y’know what? I-I-I… I-I have had enough of this! Y’know,
|
||
I-I-I care a great deal about your daughter and I have treated her with nothing but
|
||
respect! So if-if you’ve got a problem with me, frankly…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Are you yelling at me?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> God no!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> Y’know what daddy? If you don’t like Ross, that’s
|
||
fine. It doesn’t matter to me, I’m gonna go out with him anyway.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Really?! (She nods in the affirmative.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well if it doesn’t matter to her, it doesn’t matter to me! (to
|
||
Paul) Still not yelling!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Wow. What can I say? (Pause, pointing at Ross) This doesn’t make me
|
||
like you any better!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> That’s okay, I’m not so crazy about myself right now either.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Then we agree?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh yeah, I guess—Yeah! I guess so.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Paul:</b> Neither of us like Ross!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Elizabeth:</b> I like Ross.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Ohhh! Kids!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (returning) Wait-wait-wait, I just thought of another story about how
|
||
nice Ross is!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> That’s okay Rach, we’re not liking Ross right now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh! I’ve got a lot of those too!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Ending Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Mac’s Office, Mac is talking to C.H.E.E.S.E. about their case.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, it turns out you were right C.H.E.E.S.E.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>C.H.E.E.S.E.:</b> The shipment never made it through Omaha?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> You got it! And the rabbi’s beard, 100% horsehair. Nice catch
|
||
C.H.E.E.S.E.! (Pauses as he waits for C.H.E.E.S.E.’s next line.) It’s your line
|
||
C.H.E.E.S.E.! (Suddenly C.H.E.E.S.E. goes crazy and starts flinging it’s arms and
|
||
advancing on Joey behind the desk.) Wayne! Wayne!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The camera cuts to Wayne who’s busy making out with Sarah and rubbing
|
||
C.H.E.E.S.E.’s controller on her back causing C.H.E.E.S.E. to go crazy. Joey starts
|
||
throwing books at C.H.E.E.S.E. to get him to stop.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |