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<!-- saved from url=(0055)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season7/722towcd.htm -->
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<title>The One With Chandler’s Dad</title>
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<h1 align="center">The One With Chandler’s Dad</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones<br>
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Story by: Greg Malins<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around the
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kitchen table as Ross enters.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey uh Mon, I saw the Porsche parked out front, can I get the keys?
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Thought I’d take that bad boy out for a little spin.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wait a minute! (To Monica) You let <b>Ross</b> drive the Porsche and
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when I ask you, you say you’re the only one who’s allowed to drive it.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, well he’s my brother! And plus he drives so slow he could
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never hurt it.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> It’s a car Monica! Not a rocket ship!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Whatever Ross! Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after
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you’re done.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Saw the Porsche out there Mon, lookin’ good. When do I get to take
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that baby out again?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (shocked) You let Joey drive it?!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I’ve never driven it! Okay? Not once! Okay once. Okay, I drive it
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all the time.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Nice work everybody! So much for the y’know, "You can drive
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it, but don’t tell Rachel" plan!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow! I can’t believe you lied to me.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, I can fix this! Okay Monica, Rachel thinks all you can talk about
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is the wedding. (Rachel glares at her.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Great! Well Rachel, the reason why I won’t let you drive the
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Porsche is because you’re a terrible driver. There! That wasn’t about the
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wedding.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Look Rach if-if you want to go for a ride in the Porsche I’ll be glad
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to take you for a quick spin around the block.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, you got a couple hours?</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Ross enters with all his hair sticking
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straight up.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Whew! That was a brisk ride!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Take the top down did ya?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Only way to fly.</p>
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<p>(Rachel laughs.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Come on Ross give me the keys! Monica does <b>not</b> know what
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she’s talking about! I am an excellent driver!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You’re fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well in High School, that added up to head cheerleader.</p>
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<p>(A woman walks by and smiles at Ross’s hair.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Did you see the look that girl just gave me? Huh? She must’ve seen me
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cruising in the bad boy.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I think she’s checking out your beehive Ross.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What?! (Checks his hair.) Give-give me a brush.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Gimme the keys!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No way!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well no brush!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Fine! Y’know what? It doesn’t matter, because, if I remember
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correctly, there is a comb on the floor of the bathroom. </p>
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<p>(He goes to the bathroom and after he leaves Rachel goes through his coat and grabs the
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keys along with a $20 bill. The woman from before watches her do this.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (to the woman) Alimony. (Runs outside.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are counting the invitations as
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Chandler exits from the bathroom.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Chandler, we still haven’t gotten an RSVP from your dad.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh! Right. Umm, maybe that’s because I didn’t send him an
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invitation.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Chandler! He’s your father; he should be at the wedding.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I don’t even know the man. Okay? We’re not that close. I
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haven’t seen him in years.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well what are you gonna do when he finds out he wasn’t even asked?!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well he doesn’t have to know! It’s not like we run in the
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same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ooh, I think I wanna trade circles.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Trust me, you don’t want him there either. Okay? Nobody is gonna
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be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> So what! As long as he’s not wearing a white dress and a veil I
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don’t care.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, I think I need to do some shopping. (Gets up and leaves.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: A Street, Rachel is throwing her coat into the Porsche and getting in.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ahhh! (Gets in.) Ooh, nice!</p>
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<p>(Suddenly from out of nowhere Ross dives onto the hood.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> My God!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What do you think you’re doing?!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Just washing the windshield. (She turns on the wipers forcing Ross off
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of the hood.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> There is <b>no</b> way I am letting you drive this car! So why don’t
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you just hand over the keys?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh.</p>
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<p>{Transcriber’s Note: She puts the key into the ignition, which is on the left side
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of the steering wheel. Does anyone know why that is? It’s a tradition left over from
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Porsche’s racing history. The world’s greatest endurance race is the 24 Hours of
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LeMans. Which is in France and runs for 24 hours straight from noon on Saturday through
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the dark of night and finishes at noon on Sunday. In the 60s LeMans had a unique
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start where the drivers would actually start the race outside of the car and across the
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track. At the start of the race, the drivers would run across the track, get in the car,
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buckle up, start the car, and drive off. Porsche wanted to reduce the amount of time that
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took. Since all cars to that point had the ignition switches on the right side of the
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steering wheel, that required the drivers to use their right hand to grab the seat-belts,
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put the car in gear and start it. The driver’s left hand did nothing. Porsche in
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order to save a few seconds in a 24-hour race; moved the ignition switches to the left
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side of the steering wheel so that the driver could start the car with his left hand while
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grabbing the seat-belts with his right hand. That’s why every Porsche car built since
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then has the ignition on the left side of the steering wheel.}</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No ah-ah-ah! Do <b>not</b> start this car! (She starts the car.) Okay!
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Okay! I will give you twenty bucks if you get out of this car right now! (He looks for the
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twenty Rachel stole and doesn’t find it.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Look Ross, if you’re so freaked out, just get in the car!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> With you?! Yeah right!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> All right. (She starts off.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (grabbing the car) Okay! Okay! Okay! (He gets in, but into the back seat.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What are you doing?! Get in the front!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> In the death seat?!!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my…</p>
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<p>(They drive off.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are on the couch as a man enters.]</p>
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<p><b>Man:</b> Hey guys!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey sweetie!</p>
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<p><b>Man:</b> Ready to go?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah! Sure! Ooh, I left my purse up at Monica’s. I’ll be right
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back. (She goes to get it.)</p>
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<p><b>Man:</b> (stopping her) Wait a minute!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What? (He leans in to kiss her.) Oh. (They kiss and Phoebe pauses.) Ooh.
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(Pause) Whoa! That one kept going. (Exits.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> So! You and Phoebe huh? How long have you been going out?</p>
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<p><b>Man:</b> Over a month.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Wow! Maybe uh, maybe you and I ought to get to know each other a little
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better.</p>
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<p><b>Man:</b> Sure, I’d like that.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> So uh, what’s your name?</p>
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<p><b>Man:</b> (laughs) It's Jake.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Joey. (They shake hands.) Hey Jake, do you like the Knicks?</p>
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<p><b>Jake:</b> Yeah, big fan.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Me too! There’s a game on Tuesday, do you wanna go?</p>
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<p><b>Jake:</b> Yeah that would be great! Let me make sure I’m not doing anything
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Tuesday. (He bends over to open his bag, when he does so his pants slide down his butt
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revealing a pink lace secret.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is entering from the bedroom carrying two bags of
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luggage.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Here! (She sets a bag down in front of him.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> What’s this?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> It’s your suitcase. We’re going to Las Vegas.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Are you serious?! I mean like eloping?! No more stupid wedding stuff?!
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No more these flowers or these flowers or these flowers—Think of the money we’ll
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save!! (Monica just looks at him.) We’re not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our
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wedding be bigger please?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> We’re going to Las Vegas to see your dad. It’s time you two
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talked, and I want to get to know my father-in-law.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Y’know we already went over this and I won!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No you didn’t. Oh and honey, just so you know, now that you’re
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marrying me, you don’t get to win anymore.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Look forget it okay? I don’t want to go. I don’t want to see
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him. I don’t wanna.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Chandler, look I-I know that your dad embarrassed you. I know…</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No-no <b>all</b> kids are embarrassed by their parents, you’d
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have to come up with a whole new word for what I went through. When I was in High School,
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he used to come to all of my swim meets dressed as a different Hollywood starlet.
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Y’know it’s hard enough to be fourteen. You’re skinny. You’re wearing
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speedos—That your mom promised that you would grow into! And you look up into the
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stands and there’s your dad cheering you on dressed as Carmen Miranda. He was wearing
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a headdress with real fruit that he will <b>later</b> hand out to your friends as a
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healthy snack!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey, the point is that he was at every one of your swim meets and he was
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there cheering you on! Okay? That’s a, that’s a pretty great dad.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> He had sex with Mr. Garibaldi!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Who’s Mr. Garibaldi?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Does it matter?!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Chandler, you’re not fourteen anymore. Okay? Maybe it’s time
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that you let that stuff go. If your father’s not at your wedding…you’re
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gonna regret it for the rest of your life.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah o-okay, but I’m just doing this for you.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yes!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> So I really never get to win anymore?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> How much did ever really win before?</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Joey enters.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Pheebs!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Listen, you know how uh, when you’re wearing pants and you lean
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forward I check out your underwear?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, when Jake did it I saw that…he was wearing women’s
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underwear!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I know. They were mine.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh. (Laughs.) No! No wait, that’s weird!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, it’s not! We were just goofing around and I dared him to try
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them on.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> That’s weird!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I’m wearing his briefs right now.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> That’s…kinda hot.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I think so too. And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, I wouldn’t know about that.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> And! Y’know what Jake says? That women’s underwear is actually
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more comfortable. And he loves the way the silk feels against his skin.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah well next thing you know, he’ll be telling you that your high
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heels are good for his posture!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> There is nothing wrong with Jake! Okay? He is all man! I’m thinking
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even more than you.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh yeah, he looked like a real lumberjack in those pink lacys.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I’m just saying that only a man completely secure with his
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masculinity could walk around in women’s underwear! I don’t think you could ever
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do that.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey! I <b>am</b> secure with my masculinity.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, whatever.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> You’ve seen my huge stack of porn, right? (Phoebe nods.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: The Porsche, Rachel is driving along a highway and Ross has finally moved to
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the death seat and is terrified.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> God. I forgot how much I love driving. I have <b>got</b> to get my
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license renewed.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (shocked) You don’t have a <b>valid</b> driver’s
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license—Okay that is it! Pull over right now!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh Ross you’re so tense! You just gotta relax, okay? Just need to
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relax all right? Just need to relax… (She takes her hands off of the wheel.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (grabbing the wheel) What-what are you doing?! Are you—Okay
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that’s not funny! Just stop horsing around!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I am not horsing around, okay? I am Porsching around.</p>
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<p>(Suddenly a siren goes off behind them.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Uh-oh. (She starts to pull over.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, stay calm. Nothing is going to happen to you, you are not in that
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much trouble.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Really? You think so?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I was talking to myself! You’re going down!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is walking from the bathroom to his bedroom and walks
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past a pile of Rachel’s laundry, which just happens to include a selection of
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panties. He stops, goes back to the basket, looks for Rachel, picks up a lavender thong,
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and heads for his bedroom. However, he decides he doesn’t like his selection and goes
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back this time picking up a red low-cut silk brief and heads for his room, flexing along
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the way to prove his masculinity.]</p>
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<p>[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas and the strip before we
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arrive at 4 Queens bar, where Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table waiting for the
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show to start.</p>
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<p><b>A Waiter in Drag:</b> (to Chandler and Monica) Has someone taken your order yet?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Uh oh yeah, she did. Uh, he did. (To Chandler) She? (To the waiter)
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I’m-I’m sorry I’m new. I don’t…</p>
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<p><b>Waiter in Drag:</b> (To Chandler) Hm-mmm?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, I just ordered a beer! (Pounds the table.)</p>
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<p><b>Waiter in Drag:</b> You’re straight. I get it. (Walks away.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I still say that if we had called your dad we coulda gotten better
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seats.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No! No! I don’t want him to know we’re here yet! I’m not
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sure I’m ready for that. And besides, he’s not gonna be too happy to see me
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either.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Why not?!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I don’t know if I’ve told you this, but he’s kinda
|
||
tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, he’s made phone calls, written letters, he even came to New
|
||
York, but I always said I was too busy to see him. Y’know it’s all very <i>Cats
|
||
in the Cradle</i>—I don’t want to get into it. (The show starts.) Here we go.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Announcer:</b> Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(There’s applause as Helena turns around and it’s Kathleen Turner.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> Hello darlings.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> And there’s daddy!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Porsche, they have pulled over and are waiting for the cop to come talk to
|
||
them.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay. Switch places with me! Switch places with me! Come on! I’ll
|
||
go under, you go over!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, I’ll get right on that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh come on Ross!! (She tries to switch places with him and goes under
|
||
his leg.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No Rach! Come on! No-no! Yeah, I’m sure we won’t get arrested
|
||
for this.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(She sits back up as the policeman approaches. She undoes her top button.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (sexily) Hi officer, was I going a little too fast?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh my God.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> Can I see your license please?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh yes, absolutely! Y’know, it’s weird uh, but I had a dream
|
||
last night where I was stopped by a policeman. And then he uh…well I probably
|
||
shouldn’t tell you the rest.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> Your license?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (handing it to him) Yes. Here you go Officer uh, Handsome.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> That’s Hanson.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oops sorry, my mistake.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Dear Lord!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> Wow!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Here it comes.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> This is a great picture.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Really?! You think so? Y’know, I had just rolled out of bed.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> Yeah? Well you look phenomenal.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well she should, it was taken ten years ago!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Y’know you’re-you’re probably wondering about the old
|
||
date on there.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> Yes I am.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> You’re an Aquarius, huh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I bet you’re a Gemini. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> Nope.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Taurus?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> Nope.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Virgo?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> Nope.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Sagittarius?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> Yep.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I knew it! I knew it, ahh….</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> Well I tell you what…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> You’re not gonna speed anymore right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I won’t speed.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> And you promise you’ll get this taken care of right away?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I promise.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> And in the meantime you better let him drive. Does he have a license?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> Can he handle the stick?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh well…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I can handle the stick!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: 4 Queens Club, Helena Handbasket is singing.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> <i>I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and</i>…(She
|
||
holds the mike out to the audience.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>All:</b> Gay!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> <b>That</b> can’t be your father.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Believe me, I’ve been saying that for years. Oh my God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> That’s Mr. Garibaldi playing the piano.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> (singing) <i>For I’m loved by a pretty wonderful boy</i>!
|
||
(Applause.) Hello! And welcome to the show. I see some of our regulars in the audience.
|
||
And a couple of irregulars. (He starts going into the audience.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> He’s coming into the audience. He’s coming into the
|
||
audience.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Relax! You’ll be fine. (Chandler exhales and turns off the table
|
||
light.) Oh much better. You’re invisible now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> (standing at a table and asking the guy sitting there) Where are you
|
||
from?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guy:</b> Bakersfield.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> I’m sorry? (Holds out the mike.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guy:</b> Bakersfield!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> No-no I heard! I’m just sorry.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> It can’t happen like this. Okay? I’ll meet you back at the
|
||
hotel.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(He gets up to walk out, but Helena spots and stops him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> (to Chandler’s back) Oh look, a standing ovation already! So early
|
||
in the show. Oh turn around honey; let me see your pretty face. (He slowly turns around.
|
||
Helena recognizes him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Can we have our drinks please?! Waiter—Uh, tress!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe
|
||
that he’s got panties on.) How much of a man am I?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Y’know, I’m beginning to see what Jake was talking about.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Uh-huh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> The silk? Feels really good!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Huh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah! And-and things aren’t as…smashed down as I thought they
|
||
were gonna be.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="JUSTIFY"><b>Phoebe:</b> That’s great Joe!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="JUSTIFY"><b>Joey:</b> Yeah! And you have so many more choices than you do with
|
||
men’s underwear!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="JUSTIFY"><b>Phoebe:</b> Uh-huh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Bikini, French cut, thong! And-and the fabrics! You’ve got cotton,
|
||
silk, lace! And y’know what I’ve always wondered about?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hmm?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Pantyhose! Y’know? The way they start at your toe and go all the way
|
||
up to here… (He mimed that and stops when he realizes he went too far.) I should go
|
||
take these off shouldn’t I?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I think it’s important that you do.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey agrees and heads to take them off.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: 4 Queens Club, scene continued from earlier.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> So what’s your name?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (resigning himself to his fate) Chandler. (He quickly sits down.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> Chandler? <b>What</b> an unusual name! You must’ve had terribly <b>fasc</b>inating
|
||
parents.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, they’re a hoot.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> (To Monica) And who is your friend?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> I’m-I’m Monica.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> Monica! Where are you from?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> New York.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> I’m not very fond of New York. Queens I like. (Noticing
|
||
Monica’s ring.) Ooh, <b>what</b> is this sparkle something! (Shows the audience who
|
||
woos.) Honey! Huh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Actually Monica and I are engaged.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> Really?! Congratulations. When’s the big day?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (looks at Chandler) In…in two weeks.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> (disappointed) I see. Well, I wish you both a <b>life</b>time of
|
||
happiness. (To a bald guy.) So you’re bald?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Wait! Wait! We’d really love it if you could be there.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> We? (Looks at Monica who nods.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I know it would make me happy, ma’am.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> Well I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Oh! I’m getting all
|
||
misty here! You’d think I was having my legs waxed or something. (Goes back on
|
||
stage.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (To Chandler) You okay?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah. Thanks for making me do this.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> Before we go on with the show, I just want to say to the bride and groom
|
||
how lucky they are to have found each other. In every life, a little rain must fall.
|
||
Fortunately, in my life… (Four guys wearing rubber boots, shorts, hats, and nothing
|
||
else carrying umbrellas run onto the stage.) (Singing) <i>It’s raining men! </i></p><i>
|
||
</i><b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>The Chorus Line:</b> <i>Hallelujah! </i></p><i>
|
||
</i>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Helena:</b> <i>It’s raining men!</i></p><i>
|
||
</i><b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>The Chorus Line:</b> <i>Amen</i>!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Monica) When I was growing up I…played the one on the far
|
||
left.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Porsche, cars are whizzing by and honking their horns on both sides very
|
||
quickly as Ross creeps along.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Remind me to introduce you to someone!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Who?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Fourth gear!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Suddenly a siren goes off.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What?! What does he want?! I wasn’t doing anything!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well maybe he saw your hand slip briefly from the ten and two
|
||
o’clock position.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Maybe it’s uh Sergeant Sagittarius coming back to flirt some more!
|
||
(They pull over.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> It’s a different guy!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The policeman walks up.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Good evening officer.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> Do you know how fast you were traveling back there?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Ah no. I don’t, but it could not have been more than sixty.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> You’re right. It was 37. (Rachel laughs.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I mean you’re not gonna give me a-a ticket for driving too slow are
|
||
ya?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> That’s right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(There’s a pause as Ross gets suddenly flirtatious.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Y’know of-officer I uh…I had the weirdest dream last night…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> Your license please.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (laughs) You don’t-you don’t want to hear about my dream
|
||
Officer…Pretty?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Policeman:</b> It’s Petty. (He grabs Ross’s license.) I’ll be right
|
||
back with your ticket. (Walks back to his car.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (pause) You have a son!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I know. I know.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Ending Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is returning from having removed Rachel’s panties.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Feel better?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah! Much! Listen uh, not that I’m y’know insecure about my
|
||
manhood or anything y’know, but I think I need to hook up with a woman like right
|
||
now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, I understand.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah! Okay! (He notices a beautiful woman sitting behind the couch and
|
||
goes to talk to her.) Hey! Hi!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Woman:</b> Hi!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Y’know, you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Woman:</b> I don’t think so.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh! Maybe it’s because I’m on television. I’m an actor on <i>Days
|
||
of Our Lives</i>.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Woman:</b> Wow!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Woman:</b> Really?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hm-mmm.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Waitress:</b> (to the woman) $4.50 please.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, let me get this. (He takes out his wallet, but the panties come with
|
||
it. The woman and waitress are shocked.) (Realizing) (To the woman) These are for you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |