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<title>The One With The Dirty Girl</title>
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<body text="#000000" link="#0000ff" vlink="#800080" bgcolor="#ffffff" alink="#ff0000" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="CENTER">The One With The Dirty Girl</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan<br>
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Transcribed by: Darcy & Julie Partridge</p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and a beautiful blonde (Cheryl) are standing outside. The
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rest of the gang is watching from inside.] </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> So, thank you for the delicious dinner. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> You're welcome for a delicious dinner. </p>
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<p>[inside] </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey what are you guys looking at? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Ross and the most beautiful girl in <strong>the world</strong>. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, come to papa. </p>
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<p>[Cheryl walks away and Ross walks inside. Everyone stares at him in disbelief.] </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> I know! </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the <strong>ass</strong>
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on her? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Where did you, when did you, how did you... (Joey hits the back of
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Chandler's head) How did you get a girl like that? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, so what is she, like a... like a spokesmodel, or an aerobics
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instructor, what? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> Actually she's a paleontology doctoral candidate, specializing in the
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centazoic era. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> I've seen her at work, but I always figured, ah-huh? But, uh, I made her
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dinner. We had a great time. And we're going out again tomorrow. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can
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bring home the biggest geek. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> Fine by me; hope she wins. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p align="center"><b>Opening Credits</b></p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Chandler enters.] </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Hi. You guys have any wrapping paper? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oo! Is it for my birthday present? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Phebes, it was your birthday, like, months ago. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, but remember you said you ordered something special, and it just
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hasn't come yet? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, I have a call in about that. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> 'Kay. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Actually, this is for Kathy's birthday. It's an early edition of her
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favorite book. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, <i>The Velveteen Rabbit</i>! Oh my God, when the boy's love makes the
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rabbit real! </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, but don't touch it, because you fingers have destructive oils. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Huh. Well, then you'd better keep it away from Ross's hair.<b> </b>So this
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is pretty rare. How did you get that? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, it wasn't a big deal. I just went to a couple of bookstores, talked
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to a couple of dealers... called a couple of the author's grandchildren. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, honey, that's so sweet. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, and what a great way to say, "I secretly love you, roommate's
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girlfriend!" </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>It doesn't say that. Does it? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>How do you think it's gonna look when you get her something incredibly
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meaningful <strong>and</strong> expensive and her boyfriend Joey gives her an orange? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, all right, I'll just uh, make sure that uh, Joey gets her something
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really great. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> It's gotta be better than that book. Oo! Like a crossbow! </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>(Entering from her bedroom, talking on the phone) Yeah, once again, I am
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sorry. Thank you. Bye. (To the gang) I just had to turn down a job catering a funeral for
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sixty people. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my God! What happened? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Sixty <strong>guests</strong>. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> So, uh, why did you have to turn it down? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Because I don't have the money or the equipment to handle something that
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big on such short notice. I mean there's no way. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Wow, what is with all the negativity? You sound like Monican't , not
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Monican... (Monica looks almost puzzled) ...Monica. Look, you know, you have been playing
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around with this catering thing for over three years. Do you want to be a caterer or not? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> I don't know. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> There you go, that's the spirit! Okay! Now, if you need money, I will lend
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you money, but just get moving! </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Really? Cause I'd need like $500 for all the food and the supplies and
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stuff. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay! It's worth it, if it will get you moving. You haven't worked in
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months. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Well, you're not working either. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yes, but I'm doing this. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, that'd be great! Thank you! </p>
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<p>[Joey enters] </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Hey! </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Everyone:</b> Hey. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Kathy:</b> Can I borrow the keys to your apartment? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Why? </p>
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<p>[Kathy whispers something in Joey's ear] </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey:</b> You can pee here! </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Kathy:</b> Ahahaha... haha.. yes I can, of course. Excuse me. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> It's okay, the duck's using our bathroom anyway. (Kathy goes into the
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bathroom.) Hey Joe! What are you getting Kathy for her birthday? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey:</b> We've only been going out for a couple of weeks, do you think I gotta get her
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something? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Everyone:</b> Yeah! </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes, you have to get her something, and it should be something really nice.
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</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, I know... </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> And not one of your coupons for an hour of "Joey Love." </p>
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<p>[cut to a new scene, also in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting, Phoebe
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is nearby.] </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ooo, a crossword! Can I help? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> No! I'm sorry, honey, it's just that last week I got all but three answers
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and I really want to finish a whole one without any help. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Fine. But you can't help me develop my new universal language. </p>
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<p>[Monica enters] </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Hey! </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey, how'd it go? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God, it was the best funeral ever! I mean, everyone loved the food,
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and guess what? I even got another funeral for tomorrow<6F>the dead-guy-from-today's
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best friend. I mean, it is like I am the official caterer for that accident! </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Mon! I'm so happy for you! </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Thanks. Like, check out my new catering stuff.<b> </b>(Picks up two frying
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pans) Look at this! I'm an omelet station! Omelet? Made to order! </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> I'll have one, please. Plus my money. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Oh. Well, I didn't realize that you needed it back right away. I mean, you
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told me to go and be a caterer. So I went. I beed. I mean, I... I used it to buy all this
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stuff. But look<6F>I've got another job tomorrow, so I'll pay you back with the money I
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make from that. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh. Okay. Oo, sorry I acted like a bank. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. </p>
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<p>[Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment, Ross and Cheryl are kissing] </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(moved by the kiss) Huh... </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> Um, would you like to come in? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> Did homo-erectus hunt with wooden tools? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> According to recent findings! </p>
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<p>[They go into the apartment. Inside the apartment it looks like a sewage dump exploded
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and landed in her living room. There are clothes and food and junk covering every square
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inch of space. I mean pigs have nicer pens. Ross is completely shocked.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> (throwing food around the room) Here Mitzi! Here Mitzi! </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> Mitzi is..... </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> My hamster. I hope she's okay, I haven't seen her in a while. Have a seat. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> (mouths "where?") Uh... Oh hey, do you, uh (steps on some garbage
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and falters) ...do you have any<b>, </b>um, Cinnamon Fruit Toasties? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> What? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> Well, I do! Why don't we go back to my place, light a couple of candles,
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break open a box of Cinnamon Fruit Toasties, uh... </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> I'd rather not. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, yeah, why not? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> Okay, um, don't take this the wrong way, but your place kinda has a weird
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smell. </p>
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<p>[Scene: A kitchen where Phoebe and Monica are finishing up a catering job] </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Oh, is everything in the car? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yes. Did you settle the bill? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> No. I hate this part. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, look what we almost left. (Picks up a coffee maker) </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> No, that's not mine. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, all right. Oh! Look what we almost took! </p>
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<p>[cut to the living room of the same dwelling, where the funeral guests are mingling.
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Monica enters.] </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Excuse me, Mrs. Burkart? Well, we're all cleaned up in the kitchen. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Mrs. Burkart:</b> Oh, good. Thank you. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Um, and, well there's the.. the the small matter of... </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Mrs. Burkart:</b> Dear? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Just the matter of ...payment? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Mrs. Burkart:</b> (in grief) Jack used to handle the finances! (Breaks into tears) </p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on the couch still doing the crossword. Chandler
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is in the kitchen.] </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> You know what we should all do? Go see a musical. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> (confused) Sure... </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> And you know which one we should see? The 1996 Tony award winner. Do you
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happen to know the name of that one? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> I don't know... um, Grease? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> No.... </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Rent? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes! Rent! </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, so when do you want to go? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> What? Oh, I'm sorry, I can't, I'm busy. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey:</b> (entering the apartment) Hey. Man, it is so hard to shop for girls. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes, it is, at <i>Office Max</i>. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> What did you get her? (Joey opens up a rectangular black box and holds up a
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pen.) </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> A <strong>pen</strong>.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey:</b> It's two gifts in one. It's a pen that's also a clock! Huh? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Huh-huh! You can't give her that. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Why not? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah! </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, honey, what he means by that, is ...while this is a very nice gift,
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maybe it's just not something a boyfriend gives? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Sure it is! She needs a pen for work, she's writing, she turns it over....
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"Whoa! It's time for my date with Joey!" </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio
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for her birthday? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey:</b> She didn't have a birthday while we were going out. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> For three years? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey:</b> (whining and heading toward the door) Look, it's too late, and I got an
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audition. I can't shop anymore! I... </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> All right. I will go out and I will try to find something for her, okay? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Thanks, man. And oh, while you're at it, could you get her a card? </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Would you like me to write her a little poem as well? </p>
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<b>
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|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Or... just get a card that has a poem already in it. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Back in the kitchen at the funeral. Phoebe is there, Monica enters.] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> But Mon, you have to get our money! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, Phoebe, she couldn't stop crying! With those thick glasses, her tears
|
||
looked giant. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> I know, it's tough. You know what the first thing I did after my mother's
|
||
funeral was? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> What? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Pay the caterer! Look, I've had a lot of jobs, okay, and there are some
|
||
people who just always try to get out of paying. It's either, you know, "that massage
|
||
wasn't long enough, or, "I don't recognize any of those songs," or, you know,
|
||
"these sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!" </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Okay. So what do you.... you think she's faking? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, it seems like there weren't any tears 'til you showed her the bill. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe, she sounded pretty upset to me. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[cut to the living room where Mrs. Burkart is now performing.] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mrs. Burkart:</b> (singing) You're a grand ol' flag, you're a high-flying flag, and
|
||
forever in peace may you wave.... </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> She seems fine now. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mrs. Burkart:</b> (singing) ...emblem of the land I love. The home of.... </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p align="center"><b></b><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are standing and talking, Ross is tying a
|
||
tie.] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> So, you just left? Her place was really that bad? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross:</b> You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross:</b> Well, like that, only instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead
|
||
of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of
|
||
time, and garbage is all that has survived! (Ross takes the loosely tied tie off and hands
|
||
it to Joey who puts it on.) Here. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Wow. Thanks. So, uh, what happened? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross:</b> What do you mean? Nothing happened! I had to get out of there. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> All right, so... next time, you take her to your place. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross:</b> No, I tried that. She says it has a weird smell. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> What kind of smell? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross:</b> I don't know. <i>Soap</i>? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> All right, listen, Ross... you like this girl, right? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> You wanna see her again, right? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> So you're gonna have to do it in the mess! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, okay you're right. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross:</b> I mean, uh, who... who cares about a little sloppiness? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross:</b> It's, uh... it's endearing, really. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> All right! Now you go get that beautiful pig! (Ross hesitates, looks unsure)
|
||
Oink! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel, Rachel is there, Chandler enters.] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, all right. I just spent the entire afternoon looking for a present
|
||
for Kathy that would be better than <i>the rabbit</i>. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Any luck? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, yeah. Yeah, I found this great place called "Invisible things
|
||
for Kathy." (Motions to an imaginary pile of presents next to him.) Can you give me a
|
||
hand with all this stuff? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> All right, look. Why don't you just return the book, let Joey give her the
|
||
clock pen, and you give her something worse than that. Like... a regular pen. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> She's really going to love this, you know? The bottom line is I want her
|
||
to have it, even if I don't get to be the one who gives it to her. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Aw, honey, that's so sweet. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah? You don't think it's just pathetic? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh! Pathetic! (Grabs the crossword puzzle and starts writing.) </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey! I'm meeting Kathy in ten minutes! I've been looking all over
|
||
for you! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Where? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Our place, the hall! I... </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> I got something for her. (Joey picks up the package, shakes it next to
|
||
his ear, can't hear anything, switches ears, shakes it again.) It's a book! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> (Unimpressed) A book? (Suddenly interested) Is it like a book that's also a
|
||
safe? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> No, it's a book that's just a book, okay? It's an early edition of the <i>Velveteen
|
||
Rabbit</i>. It was her favorite book as a kid. So, uh, just... let me know if she likes
|
||
it, okay? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> You got it. Thanks man. Thanks for doing this, I owe you one. (Joey leaves,
|
||
comes back in.) Oh, hey! There wasn't any change from that twenty, was there? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> No, it came out to an even twenty. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Wow. That's almost as much as a <i>new</i> book. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: In the living room at the funeral] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mrs. Burkart:</b> (singing) Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers? Jeepers,
|
||
creepers, where'd you get those eyes? </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[cut to Monica and Phoebe in the kitchen] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> You didn't get the money, did you? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Maybe I can try at intermission? Phoebe, come on... you know what? Let's
|
||
just go! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> No! Hey, we're not leaving until we get paid! I don't know who she thinks
|
||
she is! Enough is enough! (Phoebe goes into the living room.) Hey, widow? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mrs. Burkart:</b> (Singing) Come on along and listen to... </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, Widow! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mrs. Burkart:</b> (Singing) ...the lullabye of... </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Excuse me. Excuse me! (Mrs. Bukart stops singing) Thanks. Um, clearly this
|
||
is a very, very hard time for you. Um, but, um, we provided a service, and we deserve to
|
||
be paid because you ate that service, and, um, we are not leaving here until we're paid
|
||
every penny. 'Cause you know what, lady? We're part time caterers, and we have no place
|
||
else to go. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Mrs. Burkart:</b> All right. I'll get my bag. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Good. (Phoebe and Mrs. Burkart go into the other room, leaving Monica with
|
||
everyone staring at her.) </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> I'm gonna leave some cards here. Please think of us for you next event. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment.] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> So you want to come inside? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross:</b> (mustering up courage) Yes. Yes I do. (They go inside.) </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable. (Ross attempts to clear a
|
||
place for his coat and fold it small enough to fit. Then hit sits on the couch. Something
|
||
falls on him from above and he brushes his neck off frantically.) </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> (sneaking up behind Ross) Guess who? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross:</b> Department of Sanitation? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> It's me! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross:</b> Oh! (She kisses him) Ah. (They kiss more, and move down onto the couch.
|
||
Ross's hand moves under some garbage) Aw! (His hand is covered with something brown and
|
||
gooey.) </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> What? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross:</b> (trying to make his disgust into lust) Ah, Cheryl! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> Oh, Ross! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[They sit up, moaning in excitement, and Cheryl straddles Ross. Ross finds a slice of
|
||
bologna and moans higher and louder, then a bag of potato chips on the coffee table starts
|
||
to move. Ross throws Cheryl off his lap, grabs a tennis racket and a toilet brush and
|
||
starts pounding the bag.] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> Wait! No! No! It's my hamster! It's Mitzi! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Ross:</b> Oh my god! I'm so sorry, Cheryl. I must have freaked out. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> (looking in the bag) Oh, thank god, it's not Mitzi. It's just a rat. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is sitting on the couch alone working on a crossword
|
||
puzzle. Gunther is there, going into the back room.] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> I did it! Oh! I finished it! I did it all by myself! And there's nobody to
|
||
hug! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[From the background we hear a crash and Gunther comes running out of the back room,
|
||
pushing people aside, reaching for Rachel.] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Gunther:</b> Move! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Gunther slips and falls just before reaching the back of the couch. Monica and Phoebe
|
||
come into Central Perk.] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey! Hey, you guys, I finished the crossword all by myself! Hug me! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Gunther gets up slowly from behind the couch and walks away sadly] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Uh... yay! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Thanks! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, that's great! Congratulations! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Rachel:</b> Thank you! Hey, how'd the catering go? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, it was great! The widow wouldn't pay, so Phoebe yelled at her 'til she
|
||
did. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah. I'm a hard ass. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> And I'm a wuss. And we should be partners. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah. Hard Ass and Wuss. We could fight crime! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Wait a minute, Phoebe! We <strong>should</strong> be partners. We should be
|
||
catering partners. I mean, think about it! You're not working right now, and we have such
|
||
a great time together! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> I can cook and you can take care of the money. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah. Oh! It'll be like I have a wife in the fifties! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Both:</b> (screaming with excitement) Aah! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is there, Joey enters.] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Hey! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey, how'd it go? How'd she like the gift? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, man, she loved it! She's over there showing Monica and Rachel right now. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh yeah? That's great! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Hey, listen, I gotta tell ya, I feel kinda bad taking credit for this,
|
||
because man, am I gonna get a lot of credit for this! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> [nodding, with mixed feelings] Aahhuuhhh.... </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Kathy enters] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Kathy:</b> Hey. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Hey! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey! Happy birthday. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Kathy:</b> Thank you! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> You know, uh... [Joey moves the pen case out onto the counter.] Chandler got
|
||
you a gift, too. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> No he didn't. [Moving it back.] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, he did, look... look, it's right there on the counter! Ha-ho-ho! </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Happy birthday! I'm <strong>sorry</strong>. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Kathy:</b> You really didn't have to. (Opens the box) Wow. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> See, you think it's just a pen, but then you turn it over and it's also a
|
||
<strong>clock</strong>. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Kathy:</b> Yeah. No, this is great. Thank you, Chandler. (They hug). </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, yeah... yeah. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Ah. Hm. (To Kathy) Wanna go to bed? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Kathy:</b> I'll be in in a minute. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, uh... don't forget your coupon. (Tries to strike a sexy pose up against
|
||
the doorway to his room. Then goes inside). </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> [to Kathy] Goodnight. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Kathy:</b> Um, thank you for the gift. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, uh, yeah... I just knew that sometimes when you're writing, you...
|
||
you don't always know the exact time. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Kathy:</b> No, I... I didn't mean the pen. Thank you for the book. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Uh, the book? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Kathy:</b> <i>The Velveteen Rabbit.</i> I kinda have the feeling you had something to
|
||
do with it. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> What do you mean? </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Kathy:</b> Well, uh, when Joey gave it to me, he said, "This is 'cause I know ya
|
||
like Rabbits, and I know ya like cheese." Thanks. I love it. And I know how hard it
|
||
must have been for you to find. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> (tongue-tied) Uhl..ell. By the way, in case you missed that, that sound
|
||
was, "Uhl, ell." </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Kathy:</b> You must really like... Joey... to go to all that trouble for him. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, yeah, he's my... he's my best friend. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Kathy:</b> Well.... </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler:</b> Goodnight. (Goes to his room.) </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey:</b> (opening bedroom door) Hey, that coupon expires, you know. </p>
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||
<b>
|
||
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||
</b><p align="center"><b></b><strong>Closing Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment, Monica knocks on Cheryl's door] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Hi. Uh, you... you don't know me, I'm Monica Geller... Ross's sister. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Cheryl:</b> Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, that's too bad that didn't work out. </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah. Anyway, he told me about your apartment. And, um, I couldn't sleep,
|
||
thinking about it. So, uh, would it be okay if I cleaned it? </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cheryl shrugs, shuts the door, looking puzzled] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> No? </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Monica looks around the hallway, pulls out a sponge and starts scrubbing the door
|
||
frame.] </p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p align="center"><b>End</b></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |