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<!-- saved from url=(0054)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season4/417porn.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<title>The One With The Free Porn</title>
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<meta name="GENERATOR" content="Microsoft FrontPage 3.0">
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<meta name="Template" content="C:\Program Files\Microsoft Office\Templates\FRIENDS1.dot">
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<style id="holderjs-style" type="text/css"></style><link type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" href="chrome-extension://pioclpoplcdbaefihamjohnefbikjilc/content.css"></head>
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<body bgcolor="#FFFFFF" link="#008000" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One With The Free Porn</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Story by Mark J. Kunerth <br>
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Teleplay by Richard Goodman <br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV, and we
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hear Mr. Treeger in the bathroom.]</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Treeger:</b> Ohhh, man!!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (coming in from his bedroom) What is that?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Treeger’s snaking the shower drain.</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Treeger:</b> What in the name of hell?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Maybe he found you flip-flop.</p>
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<p>(Joey sits down and changes the channel, and we see two people making out.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Whoa! Is this porn? What did I do? I must’ve hit something on the
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remote.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Do we pay for this?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No, we didn’t even pay our cable bill—maybe this is how they
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punish us.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Maybe we shouldn’t pay our phone bill—free phone sex.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Maybe we shouldn’t pay our gas bill? (Stops and thinks about what he
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just said.)</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Treeger:</b> (coming in from the bathroom) Whoa, hey, that lady’s all kinds
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of naked.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Treeger:</b> Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the
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channels and bam! It was like finding money.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Like finding money with naked people on it!</p>
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<p><b>Mr. Treeger:</b> Then I made the mistake of turning off the TV, I never got it back
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again. And I’m sad. (Exits.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (to Chandler) Why would he turn off the TV? (Chandler shrugs.)</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that morning. The porn is
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still on, there are three women getting ready to shave the chest of some guy. Joey and
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Chandler are wondering why that guy is letting them shave his chest, and Monica and Rachel
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are eating breakfast at the foosball table.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> All right, y’know what, come on, do we really have to watch this
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while we eat? (She makes a move for the remote.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey and Chandler:</b> (stopping her) Oh no-no-no-no!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> We don’t know what could make this go away.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, so no one touches the remote. And no one touches the TV!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> And no one touches the <b>air</b> around the TV!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Imagine a protective porn bubble if you will, okay?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well at least, I’m going to mute it.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Joey and Chandler:</b> Oh no-no-no! (Monica mutes the TV and they tentatively look
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behind them)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> We still have porn.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (entering, carrying her massage table) Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Honey, what are you doing? That’s too heavy.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Give it here. (She takes the table.) Oh, God. (And gives it to Monica
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right away.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ohh, I’m getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid
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massage table. Y’know, I have to find a job where I carrying a smaller table. (She
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goes over and stands in front of the TV.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Or a job where you don’t have to carry a table.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You mean like a doctor?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Pheebs! You’re blocking the porn! Look out!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ohh! (She moves.) Oh my. Oh, that reminds me, I have to see my OB-GYN
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today.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hi.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> So uh, Emily just went to the airport.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh. Why didn’t you take her?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Eh, her-her uncle already had planned on doing it. And y’know, we-we
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said our good-byes this morning, so…</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You must feel horrible. Hey! The guys have free porn!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (Thinks about it.) Nah.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey, cheer up! You’re gonna see her again, right?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well I, that’s the thing, I don’t know! I mean, whenever I
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brought it up with her she said, (In a British accent.) "This is so fantastic! Why do
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we have to talk about the future? Let’s just enjoy…"</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (interrupting him) No-no-no, don’t-don’t do the accent.
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You’ve <b>got</b> to see her again.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> And why do you care so much?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Because! You could get to live out my fantasy!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You had fantasies about Emily?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No! Y’know, <b>the</b> fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land,
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fall in madly love, and spend the rest of your lives together.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Is that why in junior high you were the only one that hung out with that
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Ukrainian kid?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah that, plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ahh.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Do you love her?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> We said it was only going to be two weeks, y’know?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You love her!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What-what is love really?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Ohhh, I <b>knew</b> you loved her! Then you need to go to the airport
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and tell her. You’re probably just gonna catch her just as she’s about to go to
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the gate. You’re gonna call out her name and say, "I love you!" And
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she’s gonna say, "I love you, too!" And you guys are going to have the most
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amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will applaud.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I am a good kisser.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Then you two can, can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to
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heat up, and then a stewardess comes in… (Ross looks at her.) I’ve been watching
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too much porn.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Beth Israel Medical Center, Phoebe is at her OB-GYN doing an ultrasound, Rachel
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is with her. We here the baby’s heartbeat.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Is that the heartbeat?</p>
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<p><b>The Doctor:</b> That’s it.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh my God!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh wow! This is so cool.</p>
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<p>(The heartbeat changes, and we hear a different one.)</p>
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<p><b>The Doctor:</b> Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Why don’t take care of this one, and should I get pregnant again,
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I’ll hold onto your card, okay?</p>
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<p><b>The Doctor:</b> No, I’m getting three separate heartbeats.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Three? You guys were worried I wouldn’t even have one!</p>
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<p><b>The Doctor:</b> Doctors are wrong all the time.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, so, are-are you sure that there are three?!</p>
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<p><b>The Doctor:</b> Definitely. (Points out each head on the ultrasound.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!! So I-I mean so in a few months
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I’m going to have three full grown babies just walkin’ around inside me?! Oh!
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Oh! And it’s gonna be one of those log rides where they just come shooting out!</p>
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<p><b>The Doctor:</b> Actually, giving birth to three babies isn’t that different
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from giving birth to one.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> What do you know?!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there, waiting to tell Frank and Alice the news.]</p>
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<p><b>Alice:</b> (entering) Oh-oh, Phoebe!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ooh! Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Alice:</b> Hi! (She runs over and hugs Phoebe’s stomach.) So, how did it go at
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the doctors?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh well, okay, hey, y’know how when you’re umm, you’re
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walking down the street and you see three people in a row, and you say, "Oh,
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that’s nice?"</p>
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<p><b>Frank:</b> Yes.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, yeah well, good news, you’re going to have three babies.</p>
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<p><b>Alice:</b> Three babies?</p>
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<p><b>Frank:</b> I finally got my band!</p>
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<p><b>Alice:</b> We’re gonna have a big family, I’ve always wanted a big family!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh God, I’m so glad you guys are happy, I was so afraid you were
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going to be all freaked.</p>
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<p><b>Frank:</b> Why would we be freaked?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, no maybe ‘cause it’s harder to raise them, and the added
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expense, and…</p>
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<p><b>Frank:</b> (They’re less than happy now) Oh.</p>
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<p><b>Alice:</b> Right.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, back to happy. Back to happy!</p>
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<p><b>Alice:</b> No-no-no, no, it’s going to be fine. Because umm, because I teach
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Home Ec, and uh, I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long. Y’know
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it’ll-it’ll be like my very own little sweatshop. </p>
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<p><b>Frank:</b> Yeah, I’ve been thinking ever since you said we were having
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triplets, the best thing for me to do is to drop out of college and get a job.</p>
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<p><b>Alice:</b> No, Frank.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No you can’t quit college! No! You’re in college? Really?</p>
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<p><b>Frank:</b> Yeah, refrigerator college.</p>
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<p><b>Alice:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Frank:</b> Yeah, y’know when we found out we were going to have a baby,
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y’know I figured y’know like I should y’know have like a career—and I
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love refrigerators!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You can’t give up on your dream.</p>
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<p><b>Frank:</b> No, it’s okay. We’re-we’re gonna have three kids! And
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that’s-that’s a different kind of dream. Three kids and no money.</p>
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<p>[Scene: The airport, Emily is getting ready to board her flight to London.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ticket Agent:</b> (On the P.A.) This is the boarding call for Flight 009.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Emily! (Runs up.)</p>
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<p><b>Emily:</b> Oh my God! What are you doing here? (They hug)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I just, I had to see you one more time before you took-off.</p>
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<p><b>Emily:</b> You are so sweet. (They kiss.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> That’s, that’s, that’s a big candy bar. (She’s holding
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one of those huge <i>Toblerone</i> bars.) I had the most amazing time with you.</p>
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<p><b>Emily:</b> Me too.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Ticket Agent:</b> This is the final boarding call for Flight 009.</p>
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<p><b>Emily:</b> Well, that’ me. (They kiss again.) Here, have this. (She gives him
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the candy bar.) I’m only allowed one piece of carryon anyway. (She starts towards the
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jetway.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (stops her) Wait uh, listen. I-I, I have to tell you something. Umm,
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I’ve been thinking, I’m just gonna come out and say it. Okay? I-I-I ah, I-I
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think I love you.</p>
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<p><b>Emily:</b> Oh. (She’s shocked and hugs him.) Thank you. (She boards the plane.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> That’s no problem.</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Rachel is singing some kind of
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song.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What’s that song? It has been in my head all day long.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> It’s the theme from Good Will Humping.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Y’know who doesn’t even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend
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Joshua.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah right.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was
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corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yes!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, he likes porn.</p>
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<p>(Rachel starts to leave.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Where ya going?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’m going to find out if he really thinks supermodels are too
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skinny. (As she exits, Phoebe enters.) Hey, Pheebs!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> How did it go with Frank and Alice?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, Frank has to quit college because his super fertile sister is
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having three babies! I need to make a lot of money really fast, and I had an idea that I
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want to talk to you (Points to Chandler) about, ‘cause you work for a big company.
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Okay, insider trading, what information is there that you can give me.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> They don’t really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get
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you some free white out though.</p>
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<p>(Ross enters.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Ohh! Did you do what I said? Did-did-did you tell her?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I did.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> And well, what did she say?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Thank you.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, you’re totally welcome! What’d she say?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> She said, "Thank you." I said, "I love you." And she
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said, "Thank you."</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, what were you trying to get her to do?!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What do I do now?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> You play hard to get.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> She already lives in London.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Then you go to Tokyo.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> All right look, forget it, forget it. You told her you love her,
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it’s over.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> It is not over! You’re over!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You know!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay. (Pause) Good one.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> It is not over because she is going to call you and tell you she loves
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you. And the reason why she couldn’t, is because her feelings were so strong, it
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scared her. Now you go home and wait for her call, she could be calling you from the
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plane! Come on now go! Go! (Tries to push Ross out the door.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay! Okay! But if she doesn’t call, it is definitely over! No, wait.
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Wait. Unless, eventually, I call her, y’know just to she what’s going on, and,
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and she says she’ll call me back, but then she doesn’t. <b>Then</b> it’s
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over.</p>
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<p>(Joey holds his fist up, and Chandler gives him two thumbs up.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Way to be strong, man!</p>
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<p>(Ross leaves, and after the door closes, Joey gives him the loser sign.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Joey enter having
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just woken up.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey!</p>
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|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a porn
|
||
break. We spent the last two hours watching In & Out & In, Again.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, so, why don’t you just turn it off?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Because then we would be the guys who turned off free porn.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (entering carrying a case) Ooh, good, you’re hear! Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hi!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, what-what ‘cha got there?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh this, well I’m glad you asked. (She opens the case and removes a
|
||
knife and an soda can.) Now, don’t you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an
|
||
ordinary steak knife? (She efficiently cuts it in half.) Ahh! Now, I know what you’re
|
||
thinking…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Pregnant Woman Slays Four?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Phoebe, they didn’t make you pay for those knives, did they?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Are you sure?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Honey, you’re not gonna make enough money to help Frank and Alice
|
||
just by selling knives.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No-no, I know that, but I just have to make enough money for the second
|
||
part of my plan.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What’s the second part of your plan?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> My <i>Saturn</i> dealership.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross’s bedroom, he has fallen asleep waiting for Emily to call. He is
|
||
awaken by the phone.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (Answers the phone.) Hello?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Emily:</b> Ross.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Emily, hi! Uh, how-how was you flight?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Emily:</b> It was dreadful. I felt terrible about how I acted when you said those
|
||
wonderful things.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No, no, that-that, that’s all right. Umm, I’m just glad you
|
||
called.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Emily:</b> Ross umm, there’s something that I’ve got to tell you,
|
||
there’s-there’s someone else.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is relating his recent
|
||
conversation with Emily to the gang.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> She doesn’t know which one of us she wants, me or this Colin guy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> This isn’t how it’s supposed to go, there can’t be
|
||
another guy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Of course there’s another guy!! This is even more perfect! Now you
|
||
have to prove your love!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I’m not proving anything. Okay, I’m done listening to you. If I
|
||
hadn’t let you talk me into going to the airport in the first place, I never
|
||
would’ve put my fist through the wall!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You put your fist through the wall?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No, I missed and hit the door. But, it opened really hard!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> <b>You</b> have to go to London!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, you have to go fight for her!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh yeah, sure, that makes sense. Yeah. ‘Cause you already told her
|
||
you love her and she didn’t say it back, then she called you and told you that
|
||
there’s another guy, so yeah, go to London that’ll scare her!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> When Rachel was with Paulo, what did you do?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I made fun of his accent.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You sat back and let him have her, you didn’t fight at all. Am I
|
||
right? Do you want the same thing to happen with Emily?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> All right then, go fight for her! Go to London! I mean, that could be
|
||
you and Emily! (Points to the TV.) That, but-but nicer. Just, go to London!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Really?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Come on! Surprise her! Show up at her doorstep! Don’t let her go
|
||
without a fight!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> All right. All right, I’m gonna do it! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> All right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I’m gonna, I’m gonna go to London and I’m going to fight
|
||
for her.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, good luck!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross starts to leave.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Ross! Ross! If you’re going to the airport, could you pick me up
|
||
another one of those <i>Toblerone</i> bars? (Chandler nods his head no.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are
|
||
sitting and talking as Phoebe and Rachel enter.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ooh-Ooh! I did it! I did it! I figured out a way to make money! I’m
|
||
gonna open up my own massage place and Frank’s gonna help me! And! We can work it
|
||
around his schedule so he doesn’t have to quit school!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> That’s sounds great, but how are you going to afford it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, we were walking down the street and we saw that van that you guys
|
||
used for catering and we realised…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I’m telling it! I’m telling it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay. You know how people need transportation, but they also need
|
||
massages to help them relax so I just figured we could combine the two, okay, I give the
|
||
massages and Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know
|
||
what I’ve got?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> A place where no one will ever get out alive?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No! Think about it, it’s a taxi that people take when they need to
|
||
relax, it’s…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (interrupting) Relaxi-Taxi!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> The name was my favourite part!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, well I can up with it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> <b>YOU DID NOT</b>!!!! Oh! No! You came up with Relaxi Cab! That’s
|
||
not good.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, I…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Hello.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (on phone) Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my God! Ross, are you in England? Was Emily surprised?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to Ross in one of those British phone booths.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No, because she hasn’t come home yet. And she hasn’t been home
|
||
all night! She’s obviously staying with that other guy, and I’m the stupid moron
|
||
who spent the whole night outside her apartment!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> All right. When is, when is the next flight out?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> About four hours.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Okay, just stay there a couple more hours and if she doesn’t show
|
||
up by then, then just come on home.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hey, tell him about Relaxi-Taxi, and-and ask him if he thinks
|
||
that’s better than Relaxi Cab.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, it’s not Relaxi Cab. It’s Relaxicab, like taxicab. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, that is better.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same night. There is a
|
||
knock on the door and Chandler answers it to reveal Emily standing behind it.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Are we in London?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What are you doing here? You can’t be here!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Emily:</b> I’ve uh, I’ve come to talk to Ross.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(She sets her bag down on the foosball table and Joey sees the <i>Toblerone </i>bar
|
||
sticking out of it and gazes longingly at it.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Emily:</b> What?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (pause) Nothing. No, nothing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Emily:</b> I was going to call him, but…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, you came to tell him you love him! I knew it! (Points at Chandler) I
|
||
was right! (Points to Emily) I’m right, right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Emily:</b> I’d really rather talk to him. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Emily:</b> I uh, I’ve been to his apartment and he wasn’t there, and uh. I
|
||
need to talk to him, so do you have any idea where he is?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to London, we sit Ross sitting outside Emily’s apartment. We hear
|
||
Emily’s phone ring with <b>amazing</b> clarity. Apparently, sound travels quite
|
||
easily through the walls of British buildings. Anyhoo, Ross looks around for the ringing
|
||
phone and in the meantime Emily’s answering machine picks up and once again with
|
||
amazing clarity we hear Emily say…]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Emily:</b> Ross, are you there? Ross, I don’t know if you can hear this
|
||
but… (Ross has moved to the window, apparently so that he can hear better.) I’m
|
||
gonna talk anyway, uh, I’m in the States with you sister and your friends and
|
||
it’s all over with Colin. I came here to tell you that, and to tell you—Yes,
|
||
Joey you can have all the chocolate you want, just take it! Uh, I came here to tell you
|
||
that I love you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (yelling, thinking Emily can hear him through the answering machine all
|
||
the way to New York.) I love you too! I’m, I’m gonna call you right now from the
|
||
phone booth! (Realises) You can’t hear me. (Goes to make his call.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Emily:</b> I wish I could know if you’d heard any of that. I suppose I’ve
|
||
either just told you I love you or given my neighbours a good laugh. Mrs. Newman if
|
||
you’re listening, bugger off this in none of your business. I suppose there’s
|
||
not much chance you did heard that, and there’s the call waiting so, I should go. Oh
|
||
well. (Answers the call waiting.) Hello.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Emily:</b> Ross, I love you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Ohh! Thank you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Closing Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is still watching the porn
|
||
as Chandler enters.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she
|
||
didn’t ask me to go do it with her in the vault.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza delivery guy come over,
|
||
gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> What, no, "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Noo! Nothing!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Y’know what, we have to turn off the porn.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I think you’re right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Goes over and picks up the remote.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> All right, ready?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> One.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Two.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Both:</b> Three.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote down.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> That’s kinda nice.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, that’s kinda a relief.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Pause.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> You wanna see if we still have it?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Chandler turns on the TV and…)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> FREE PORN!!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> We have free porn here!!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |