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<!-- saved from url=(0053)http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season5/516cop.htm -->
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<html><head><meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
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<title>The One With A Cop</title>
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<body bgcolor="#FFFFFF" link="#008000" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One With A Cop</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Story by: Alicia Sky Varinaitis<br>
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Teleplay by: Gigi McCreery & Perry Rein<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are sitting on one of the chairs doing
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a crossword puzzle.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> What are you guys doing up?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed. Hey, do
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you know a six-letter word for red?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (thinks) Dark red.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a Connect the Dots in here for
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you later. (To Monica) Hey, how about maroon?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (checks to see if it works) Yes, you are so smart! (Kisses him.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Aww, you guys are so cute!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I know.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right, I'll see you in the morning.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Chandler and <b>Monica:</b></b> Okay.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Joey's bedroom, time lapse. He's asleep and dreaming. In his dream he's doing
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the crossword puzzle with…wait for it…Monica!]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Dream <b>Monica:</b></b> Y'know, I love doing crossword puzzles with you honey!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Dream <b>Joey:</b></b> Aww, me too. Now let's finish this and go to bed.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Dream <b>Monica:</b> </b>Okay! There's only one left, three letter word, not dog
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but…</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Dream <b>Joey:</b></b> Cat.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Dream <b>Monica:</b></b> Yes! You are so smart! (Kisses him.) I love you.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Dream <b>Joey:</b></b> I love you too.</p>
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<p>(They hug.)</p>
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<p>[Cut back to Joey in bed, he's smiling, enjoying the dream as he wakes up. Suddenly, he
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realized what he was dreaming about and bolts upright in bed.]</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Ross and Joey. Gunther hands them the bill,
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and Chandler gives some money to pay it.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (looking at the bill) Uhh, we still need a tip.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right. Hold on. (She starts digging in the chair.) I got it. Nickel!
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(Donates it.) How much more do we need?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> A couple of bucks.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, dime! (Donates that.) You guys should probably keep talking; this
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could take a while. (Finds something else.) Oh no, wait! Look it! Whoa! (Looks at it.) Oh
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my God, this is a police badge!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Wow!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh that's so cool! Why would a cop come in here though? They don't
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serve donuts. (No one laughs.) Y'know what actually, could you discover the badge again? I
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think I can come up with something better than that.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Phoebe, I bet somebody's missing that badge.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, I should probably take it back. Ooh, but you know what? While I'm
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at the police station, I could check their Ten Most Wanted lists because my friend Fritzy
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has been like number 11 forever, so this could be her year! (She crosses her fingers in
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hope.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey, you guys!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey Joey!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (To Monica) Hey. That uh, that my sweatshirt?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh yes, it is. I'm sorry I borrowed it, I was cold. I hope its okay?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Well uh, it's just that uh, y'know if-if you're gonna be wearing someone's
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sweatshirt shouldn't it be your boyfriends--and I’m not him.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I'm sorry, I'll give it back to you.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No-no! No! I mean it's gonna be all smelling like Monica!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Are you saying I smell bad?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No! No, you smell like a meadow. (Pause.) I'm sorry. (Runs to the
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bathroom.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What's with him?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was
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shot by a hunter.</p>
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<p>[Scene: A couch store, Ross is trying to decide on a new couch for his place. He has
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dragged Rachel along for the trip, and she's not too happy about it. Ross is sitting on it
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in different ways to see how it feels. He tries to just sit on it normally, and then he
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tries flopping on it. One thing about this couch, it's huge. It's like twice the size of a
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normal full size couch. Whoever designed this thing, needs help and fast.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (disgusted at Ross's antics) Ugh!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (To Rachel) Yeah, I still don't know. (To the salesman who is hovering
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nearby) I'm sorry I just wanna make sure that I bought the right couch. I need a couch
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that says, "Kids welcome here." But that also says, (In a sexy voice) "Come
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here to me!"</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?! You say that to kids?!!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No! No! No! The "Come here to me" is y'know for the ladies.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross, honey, it's a nice couch. It's not a magic couch.</p>
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<p><b>The Salesman:</b> You picked a great couch.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah?</p>
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<p><b>The Salesman:</b> Yeah. Could you just sign right here please? (Hands him a
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clipboard.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, sure. Whoa-whoa, what's this? The delivery charge is almost as much as
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the couch!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wait! No, that's ridiculous. Come on, he lives three blocks away!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, y'know what? I'll take it myself, thank you! (He signs the form and
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hands it back to the salesman.) All right Rach, let's go! (He picks up one end of the
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couch.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah! (She puts on her coat and turns around and sees Ross is expecting
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her to help.) (Laughing.) Are you kiddin'?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, come on it's only three blocks! And-and, it's not very heavy, try it!
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Come on! Come on!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (Disgustedly she goes and tries to pick up the couch. Much to her
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amazement, she is successful.) Oh. Oh! I can do it!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah!</p>
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<p><b>The Salesman:</b> You two are really gonna enjoy that couch.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh yeah, we're uh, yeah we're not together. (He starts backing out of the
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store.)</p>
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<p><b>The Salesman:</b> Ohh, okay. (Laughs.) Something didn't quite add up there. (Ross
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stops, walks back to talk to the salesman, and in the process pushes Rachel up against a
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wall.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> What's that supposed to mean?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross!</p>
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<p><b>The Salesman:</b> Well you, her, I mean, she's very…y'know. And you're
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like…y'know.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Not that it's any of your business, but we <b>did</b> go out.</p>
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<p><b>The Salesman:</b> Really? You two?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah! Rach?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Come on, I don't really want to be doing this right now. I am carrying a
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very heavy couch.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Then tell him quickly.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (To Ross) Fine! (To the salesman) We went out.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross!! Oh my--ugh!! You kept count?! You are <b>such</b> a loser!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> A loser you did it with (To the salesman) 298 times!</p>
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<p>(Rachel pushes on the couch and pushes Ross out the door.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Outside of Central Perk, Phoebe is exiting and sees a woman put out her
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cigarette on a tree.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh. Oh! Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am? </p>
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<p><b>The Smoking Woman:</b> Yes?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You can't put your cigarette out on a tree!</p>
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<p><b>The Smoking Woman:</b> Yeah I can, it worked real well.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No but you shouldn't! Don't ever do that again.</p>
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<p><b>The Smoking Woman:</b> I won't! (Turns away) Until I have my next cigarette.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Hold it! (Grabs the badge) N.Y.P.D! Freeze punk!</p>
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<p><b>The Smoking Woman:</b> What?!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah that's right you are so busted. (To no one in particular.) Book
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'em.</p>
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<p><b>The Smoking Woman:</b> Who are you talking too?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Save it Red! Unless you wanna spend the night in the slammer, you
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apologize to the tree.</p>
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<p><b>The Smoking Woman:</b> I am <b>not</b> going to apologize to a tree!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup. (The
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woman calls her bluff.) (Screaming at no one in particular) Backup! Backup!!</p>
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<p><b>The Smoking Woman:</b> I-I'm sorry! Sorry.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Okay, cancel backup! Cancel backup!</p>
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<p>[Scene: Ross's building's lobby, he and Rachel are about to attempt to take the couch
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upstairs.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay. (Throws off the last cushion.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross, didn't you say that there was an elevator in here?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Uhh, yes I did but there isn't. Okay, here we go.</p>
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<p>(They start the attempt. Ross is going backwards and reaches the first landing. This
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staircase has three steps then a landing, makes a 90-degree turn, and has more steps
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before another landing and another 90-degree turn.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, go left. Left! Left! (The bottom of the couch is hitting the
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railing.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, y'know what? There is no more left, left!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh okay, lift it straight up over your head! Straight up over your head!
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You can do it! You can do it! (She gets it lifted up and they make the first turn.) Okay.
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You got it?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Good-good-good. </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh-oh! </p>
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<p>(She can't stay at the end as the couch rounds the turn so she shifts to the back
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corner of the couch and is at a 90-degree angle to it.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, you got it right? You got it right? You got it? </p>
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<p>(She don't got it as the couch slips out of their grips and falls over the bottom
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railing.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Any chance you think the couch looks good there?</p>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling Chandler and Monica how she fought crime
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in her own way with the badge she found.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> …so this guy was all (Mumbles.) And I'm all, Buffay, Homicide.
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(Flashes the badge.) It was just so cool!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (cooking something) Phoebe, you were supposed to take that back!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I know but I'm having so much fun doing good deeds.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could
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get arrested.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> You could get arrested, right now! (Flashes the badge and they glare at
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her.) All right, yeah, I gotta take it back. I'm totally drunk with power. (She heads for
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the door just as Joey enters.)</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (To Joey) Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (To Phoebe) Hey! (Sees that Monica's there.) Oh.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hi, Joe.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, I didn’t know you guys were going to be here.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey Joey, sweetie, taste this. (Holds out a spoon for him.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (backing away) What?! Why?!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What is going on with you?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Nothing!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> All right! There is something. I kinda had a dream, (pause) but I don't
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want to talk about it. (Starts for his room.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if Martin Luther King had said
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that? (Imitating what his famous speech would sound like.) I kinda have a dream! I
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don’t want to talk about it.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, it involved Monica.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You had a dream about a girl that I am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool!
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(To Monica) I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt about a girl that he was seeing.
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(Seeing Monica's stare.) (To Joey) Anyway we're talking about your dream. (To Monica) I
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love you. (To Joey) Your dream? (Leans in to listen closely.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Don't worry, there wasn't any sex in it or anything. I haven't dreamt
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about her like that since I found out about you two--ish. </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> What was the dream about?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, okay. You were my girlfriend and <b>we</b> were doing the crossword
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puzzle. Y'know like you guys were doing last night. So, that's it. I'm in love with Monica
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and I'll be moving out.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Wait, Joey! Joey! That doesn’t mean that-that you're in love with
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me!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> It-it doesn’t?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> No!</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, it can mean anything. Like uh, all of the sudden you're jealous
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because I've become the apartment stud.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> That kinda sounds like your dream dude.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Or, it could mean that-that you saw Chandler and me together and we
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y'know were being close and stuff and then you just want to have that with someone too.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> In the dream I did enjoy the closeness.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Um-hmm.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Joey, look, are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are
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you attracted to her?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (looks at her) Not really.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well there you have it!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Well sure! I'm just wearing sweats! (Looking at Chandler and slowly
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realizing what his point is.) But that's good that you're not in love with me, because you
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just want a girlfriend!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No, I don't think it's just about just getting a girlfriend. Y'know? I
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mean, yeah, I can get a girlfriend! Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crosswords, but
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y'know are we ever going to have y'know the closeness like-like you guys have?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well y'know, Monica and I were <b>friends</b> before we started
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dating. So maybe-maybe that's it?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Friends first? That's interesting.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> You become friends after?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No, never done that either.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (entering) Hey, umm, do you guys have that tape measure?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom.</p>
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<p>(Monica and Chandler both remember a special moment between them.)</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (laughing) That's right.</p>
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<p>(They realize the implication of their behavior, stop instantly and head for his
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bedroom. In the meanwhile, Joey is starring at Rachel in a seductive way.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (noticing him) What's up Joey?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (in a sexy voice) How you doin'?</p>
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<p>(Rachel is stunned.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is walking up and notices a car that is parked
|
||
half on the curb and right in front of the door, making it difficult for people to enter
|
||
Central Perk.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Excuse me, is this your car?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guy:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well I don't think it's very nice of you to park here, y'know you're
|
||
blocking the entrance. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guy:</b> Don't worry about it. It's not a problem.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, it's a problem for me, which means it's a problem for you 'cause
|
||
I'm a cop. (Shows the badge.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Guy:</b> (he reaches into the car and slams his siren on the roof.) So am I!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ohh, no. (Pause) Oh okay, so you're a cop which means you can park
|
||
anywhere, 'cause I know that 'cause I'm a cop too. So, all right, keep up the good work.
|
||
10-4. (Tries to leave.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cop:</b> (stopping her) Hey, wait a second! So wait, what precinct are you with?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I-I'm with the umm, the 57<sup>th</sup>.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cop:</b> Oh, I know a guy in homicide up there.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I'm in vice. Yeah, in fact I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cop:</b> Who-who else is in vice up there?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Umm, do you know, umm Sipowicz?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cop:</b> Sipowicz? No, I don't think so.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, big guy, kinda bald.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cop:</b> No, I don't know him.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (starts to walk away, but stops) Don’t try to call him or anything,
|
||
'cause he's not there, he's out. His umm, his partner just died.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cop:</b> Wow umm, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I-I sure will, take care. (Starts walking off.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cop:</b> (following her) Hey by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I
|
||
heard that kid from <i>Silver Spoons</i> is really good. (Phoebe's stunned) And where did
|
||
you find my badge?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh. (She starts laughing. Then she throws the badge at him and runs
|
||
away.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering. Rachel is there getting some tools to
|
||
help Ross out.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey! Joey, would you mind giving me and Ross a hand moving his couch?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, I'd love too, but I got acting class. But y'know what? I guess I can
|
||
blow that off, (In a sexy voice) for you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(He starts staring at her longingly.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Thanks!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh, hey, Rach let me ask you something. Uh, I was just over there talking
|
||
to Monica and Chandler, boy they are really tight.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I know.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah that's not such a bad situation they got going over there. I'm
|
||
thinking of getting me one of those.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What's up Joe?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, the reason I think Monica and Chandler are so great…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> …is because they were friends first. Y'know? So I asked myself,
|
||
"Who are my friends?" You and Phoebe, and I saw you first. So…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (laughing) What are you saying?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I'm saying maybe you and I crank it up a notch.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Y'know honey, umm, as uh, as flattered as I am that uh, you saw me
|
||
first, uhh, I just, I-I don't think we should be cranking anything up.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I'll treat you real nice. (Pulls out a chair for her.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (laughs and pushes the chair back in) Yeah, well, y'know umm… No
|
||
honey, listen I think it's a <b>great</b> idea to become friends with someone before you
|
||
date them, but I think the way you do it is y'know you meet someone, become their friend,
|
||
build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. Don't hit on your existing friends!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Won't-won't that take longer?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but once you find it, ohh it's <b>so </b>worth the wait.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah. I understand. I understand. (Pause) <b>Man</b>, I wish I saw Phoebe
|
||
first!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The lobby of Ross's building, he's sitting on the couch at the bottom of the
|
||
stairs, and he's practicing enticing women to join him on the couch.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Come here to me. No-no, you come here to me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (entering) Hey Ross! I brought reinforcements.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh great! What, you brought Joey?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Well, I brought the next best thing.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (entering) Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. (Showing them) Okay
|
||
Rach, (points to the sketch) that's you. That's the couch. (Points again.) </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Whoa-oh, what's-what's that? (Points.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, that's me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> No! That's-that's my arm!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (looking at the sketch) Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really
|
||
liked your new couch.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Y'know what? Just-just follow my lead. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Chandler and Ross head for opposite ends of the couch.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Come on, Chandler. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They pick up the couch and after throwing off the last pillow; Rachel helps out on
|
||
Chandler's end.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> All right. (They start up the stairs. Ross is first.) Okay, here we go!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Chandler has moved forward and is now underneath the couch as it heads up the first
|
||
set of stairs.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> All right, ready?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Turn.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (straining) Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Turn! Turn!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(As they turn the couch, Chandler gets sandwiched between the railing and the couch.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross, I don't, I just don't think it's going to fit.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh yeah it will! Come on, up! Up-up-up! Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot! (They
|
||
start up the stairs again. Chandler is between the couch and the wall now.) Pivot! Piv-ot!
|
||
Piv-et!! Piv-ett!!! Piv-et!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They set the couch down.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, I don't think it's going to pivot anymore.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler and <b>Rachel:</b></b> You think?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> All right, let's uh, let's bring it back down and-and try again.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(As they start back down the couch drops a little bit and gets jammed. They try to free
|
||
it to no avail.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay, yeah, I think it's really stuck now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I can't believe that didn't work!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I know, me neither! I mean, you <b>had</b> a sketch!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, y'know, what did you mean when you said pivot?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is returning and finds Chandler, Monica, and Rachel
|
||
are there.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) Hey!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey! How's it going? Did you make any new friends?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, yeah, I met this woman. (Starts for his room.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (stopping him) Hey, whoa-whoa! What's she like?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Uhh, well, she's…really good in bed.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Joey, I thought you were gonna try to be friends first!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (To Rachel) Well look, hey, it's all your fault!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?! Why?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well because you didn't give me advice! No! You gave me a pickup line! As
|
||
soon as I told her I wanted to y'know, build a foundation and be friends first. I
|
||
suddenly, through no fault of my own, became irresistible to her! (Pause) And her
|
||
roommate!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> What about the closeness?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Closeness-shmoshness! There was three of us for crying out loud!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering with a pizza and finds everyone but Ross
|
||
there.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (entering) All right! Hey, who wants pizza?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ooh, I do! I do! I do!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They all walk over to get a slice.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (taking a bite) Oh, great! Can you believe I found it on the second floor?
|
||
</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They all throw their pieces back as there is a knock on the door.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Who is it?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Voice:</b> N.Y.P.D!!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe and <b>Joey:</b></b> Oh my God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Uhh, just a minute officer!! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(He throws his piece back in the box, runs into the living room, looks for a place to
|
||
hide the pizza, finds one, slides the box under the couch, sits down on the table, and
|
||
tries to quickly chew the food in his mouth.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Cop:</b></b> I'm looking for Phoebe Buffay!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ooh, God, it's him! It's that cop! God, I can't believe it! He found me!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my God, Phoebe, are you gonna go to jail?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, if I'm going down, I'm taking you (Points at all of them) with me.
|
||
(They all look at her.) Harboring a fugitive? That's one to three years minimum. Good luck
|
||
Chandler. (She opens the door to the cop from before.) Okay, you can arrest me. Fine. But
|
||
you'll never make it stick and you know it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cop:</b> Yeah, but I kinda don't have a choice, it's my job. I mean, you understand
|
||
right?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yep! As long as you understand that I'm going to call my lawyer and once
|
||
he puts you on the stand he'll make you look like a fool. A fool!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cop:</b> I don't like looking foolish. Y'know what? Maybe uh, I don't arrest you
|
||
today. Maybe I came by and you weren't here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I would <b>love</b> it if I weren't here!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cop:</b> Okay, so since umm, you're not going to jail tonight I was wondering if you
|
||
would like to go to dinner with me?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Me?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cop:</b> Yeah. Ever since you flashed my badge at me, I kinda can't stop thinking
|
||
about you. You're the prettiest, fake undercover whore I've ever seen.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Chandler and <b>Joey:</b></b> Nice!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Wow! I didn't see that coming! You're-you're asking me out!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cop:</b> Yeah. I mean, I coulda done it better, but these people keep staring at me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Umm, yeah, I'd like to go out with you officer…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Cop:</b> Gary.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Gary.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Gary:</b> Okay, so it's a date.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah! So--ooh, I gotta ask you though. How did you know where to find
|
||
me?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Gary:</b> Well you're fingerprints were all over my badge so I just ran it through
|
||
the computer and this was listed as your last known address so I just checked it out.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ohh, impressive.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Gary:</b> Not as impressive as you. I gotta tell you, I looked at your record and
|
||
you've done some pretty weird stuff.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah, we'll talk at dinner.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Gary:</b> Okay. (He starts to leave.) So I'll come by in a couple hours and pick you
|
||
up?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> All right, I can't wait!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Gary:</b> Okay. And don't worry, I'm not just gonna take you out for donuts.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Chandler busts out laughing and everyone just looks at him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (To Rachel) He <b>has</b> a gun!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Closing Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The couch store, Ross is talking to a saleswoman.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I'd like to return this couch. I'm not satisfied with it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[The camera cuts to show the couch, which has been cut in half.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Saleswoman:</b> You wanna return this couch? (Ross nods yes.) It's cut in half!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> That's what I'm telling you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Saleswoman:</b> Did you cut this couch in half?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> This couch, is cut in <b>half</b>! I would like to exchange it for one
|
||
that is not cut in half!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Saleswoman:</b> You're telling me this couch was delivered to you like this?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look, I am a reasonable man. I <b>will</b> accept store credit.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Saleswoman:</b> I'll give you store credit in the amount of four dollars.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (thinks) I take it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<hr>
|
||
|
||
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|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |