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<title>The One With Five Steaks and an Eggplant</title>
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<body bgcolor="white" text="black" link="green" vlink="black" alink="yellow" class=" __plain_text_READY__">
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<h1 align="center">The One With Five Steaks and an Eggplant</h1>
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<hr align="center">
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<font size="3"><i>
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</i></font><p><font size="3"><i></i>Written by: Chris Brown <br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:mmatting@indiana.edu">Mindy Mattingly Phillips</a><br>
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With Minor Adjustments by: <a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">Eric Aasen</a></font></p>
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<hr>
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<font size="3">
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<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are there. Ross is watching wrestling.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Man, I sure miss Julie.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how
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you got there. (The phone rings and Chandler doesn't answer it.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> You ever figure out what that thing's for?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, see, I'm trying this new screening thing. You know, I figure if
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I'm always answering the phone, people'll think I don't have a life. My god, Rodrigo never
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gets pinned. </p>
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<p><strong>Machine:</strong> (Joey's voice) Here comes the beep, you know what to do.</p>
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<p><strong>Woman's Voice:</strong> Hello, I'm looking for Bob. This is Jane. I don't know
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if you're still at this number, but I was just thinking about us, and how great it was,
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and, well, I know it's been three years, but, I was kinda hoping we could hook up again. I
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barely had t he nerve to make this call, so you know what I did?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Jade:</b> I got a little drunk...and naked.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (answering the phone, in a deep voice) Bob here.</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, continued from earlier. Ross and Chandler are
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dancing.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (on phone) What've you been up to?</p>
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<p><b>Jade:</b> Oh, you know, the usual, teaching aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and
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in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new James Bond poster. (They stop
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dancing.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Can you hold on a moment? I have another call. (To Ross) I love her.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I know.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> (on phone) I'm back.</p>
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<p><b>Jade:</b> So, are we gonna get together or what?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh,
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Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish?</p>
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<p><b>Jade:</b> Great, I'll see you then.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ok. (He hangs up.) Ok. Having a phone has finally paid off.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Even though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinkin' when she sees
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you tomorow, she's probably gonna realize, "Hey, you're not Bob."</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in the
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open arms of the wry stranger at the next table.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh my god. You are pure evil.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ok, pure evil (holds up his left hand), horny and alone (holds up his
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right hand). I've done this (He shakes his right hand.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there and Ross is on the phone.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, yeah, everybody's here. Hey, everybody, say hi to Julie in New
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Mexico.</p>
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<p><b>All:</b> Hi, Julie!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (sarcastically) Hi, Julie.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Ok, while Ross is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his
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birthday.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Um, is, is there any chance that you're rounding up? Y'know, like from,
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like 20?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Do we need a cake?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Look guys, I know it's a little steep.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, whoosh! (Imitates going over a cliff with her hand.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> But it's Ross.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> It's Ross.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, you're right.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I'll see you guys later, I gotta go...do a thing.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ok, sweetheart, I'll call you later tonight. (He hangs up) (To Chandler)
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, you're not really gonna go through with this, are you?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You know, I think I might just.</p>
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<p>(They exit.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> So uh, what are you guys doing for dinner tonight?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Well I guess I gotta start savin' up for Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll
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just stay home and eat dust bunnies.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Can you believe how much this is gonna cost?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Do you guys ever get the feeling that um, Chandler and those guys just
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don't get that we don't make as much money as they do?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yes! Yeah, it's like they're always saying "let's go here, let's go
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there". Like we can afford to go here and there.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have to go to, y'know, someplace nice,
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y'know? God, and it's not like we can say anything about it, 'cause, like this birthday
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thing, it's for Ross.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> For Ross.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> For Ross, Ross, Ross.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (entering) Oh my god. </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hey.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Hi.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> What?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I'm at work, ordinary day, you know, chop chop chop, sauti, sauti,
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sauti. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office. It turns out they
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fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> If it's not you, this is a horrible story.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Fortunately, it is me. And, they made me head of purchasing, thank you
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very much. Anyway, I just ran into Ross and Chandler downstairs, and they think we should
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go out and celebrate. Y'know, someplace nice. (She goes into her bedroom.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (to Phoebe and Rachel) Yeah, someplace nice. </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> How much do you think I can get for my kidney? </p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Jade is waiting for Bob to show while Ross and Chandler look on.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I'm tellin' you. You can't do this.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, come on. I can never get a girl like that with conventional
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methods.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> That doesn't matter. She wanted to call Bob. Hey, for all we know, Bob is
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who she was meant to be with. You may be destroying two people's chance for happiness.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> We don't know Bob! Okay? We know me. We like me. Please let me
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be happy.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Go over there and tell that woman the truth.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> All right. (He gets up, but swings around the pole back to their
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table.)</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Go.</p>
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<p>(He walks over to Jade.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hi. </p>
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<p><b>Jade:</b> Hi.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Listen, I have to, uh, um, I have to, I have to confess something.</p>
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<p><b>Jade:</b> Yes?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Whoever stood you up is a jerk.</p>
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<p><b>Jade:</b> How did you...</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I don't know. (He sits down.) I just had this weird sense. You know,
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but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue? (Holds out one of this small packs.)</p>
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<p><b>Jade:</b> Thanks.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today.</p>
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<p>(He looks over at Ross who glares at him.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: A Restaurant, everyone except Chandler is seated at a table.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ok, (holding up his glass) ok, here is to my sister, the newly-appointed
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head lunch chef...</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Who is also in charge of purchasing.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Newly appointed head lunch chef who is also in charge of purchasing...</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Who has her own little desk when Roland's not there.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh, lunch chef, purchasing, own little desk when Roland's not there.
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Here's to my little sister--</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, wait, and I got a beeper!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Cool.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Let's see!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> That's fine, I'll-I'll just wait!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, sorry.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Sorry, sorry.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Monica! </p>
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<p>(They clink their glasses.)</p>
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<p><b>Waiter:</b> Are we ready to order? </p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, you know what, we haven't even looked yet.</p>
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<p><b>Waiter:</b> Well, when you do, just let me know. I'll be right over there on the
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edge of my seat.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (to Joey and Rachel) Wow, look at these prices.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> What are these, like famous chickens?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Hey, sorry I'm late. Congratulations, Mon. (to Ross) I'm not sorry I'm
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late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (to Chandler behind their menus) Well, pretty incredible according to the
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message she left you on my machine. Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for
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you on my machine?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I
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couldn't tell her that my number was my number because she thinks that my number is Bob's
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number.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey, tell me again, what do I do when Mr. Roper calls?</p>
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<p><b>Waiter:</b> Do I dare ask?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yes, I will start with the carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled
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prawns. </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> That sounds great. Same for me.</p>
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<p><b>Waiter:</b> And for the gentleman?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it
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without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper?</p>
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<p><b>Waiter:</b> You'd think, wouldn't you? Miss?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ok, I will have the uh, (whispers) side salad.</p>
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<p><b>Waiter:</b> (whispers) And what will that be on the side of?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?</p>
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<p><b>Waiter:</b> And for you?</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> I will have the uh, Cajun catfish.</p>
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<p><b>Waiter:</b> Anything else?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes, how 'bout a verse of <em>Killing Me Softly</em>. You're gonna
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sneeze on my fish, aren't you?</p>
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<p>[Time lapse, everyone has finished dinner and Ross is figuring out the bill.]</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> (using calculator) Plus tip, divided by six. Ok, everyone owes 28 bucks.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Okay.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Um, everyone?</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, you're right, I'm sorry. </p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Thank you.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Monica's big night, she shouldn't pay. </p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh, thank you!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> So five of us is, $33.50 apiece.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I'm sorry, Monica, I'm really happy you got promoted, but cold cucumber
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mush for thirty-something bucks? No! Rachel just had that-that-that salad, and, and Joey
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with his like teeny pizza! It's just...</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Ok, Pheebs! How 'bout we'll each just pay for what we had. It's no big
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deal.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Not for you.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> All right, what's goin' on?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> (to Joey and Phoebe) Ok, look you guys, I really don't want to get into
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this right now. I think it'll just make everyone uncomfortable.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Fine. All right, fine.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> You can tell us. </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hello, it's us, all right? It'll be fine.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (clearing his throat a lot) Ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that uh,
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sometimes you guys don't get that uh... (Pause) We don't have as much money as you.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Ok.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> I hear ya. </p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> We can talk about that.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Well, then...Let's.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Well umm I, I just never think of money as an issue.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> That's 'cause you have it.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> That's a good point.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> So um, how come you guys haven't talked about this before?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> 'Cause it's always somethin', you know, like with Monica's new job, or the
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whole Ross's birthday hoopla.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Wha<68>Whoa, hey, I don't want my birthday to be the source of any kind
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of negative<76>there's gonna be a hoopla?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Basically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the
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thing.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> If it makes anybody feel better, then we can just forget the thing, and
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we'll just do the gift.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> G-gift? The thing's not the gift?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, the thing was, we were gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hootie and the<68>oh my. I, I can catch them on the radio.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> No, now I feel bad. You wanna go to the concert.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> No, look, hey, it's my birthday, and the important thing is that we all be
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together.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> All of us.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Together.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Not at the concert.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ok.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Thank you.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Thanks.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p>(An awkward silence ensues.)</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> So, the ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh?</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting in the living room as
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Monica, who's holding a bag, Ross, and Chandler stand before them.]</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Gee, Monica, what's in the bag?</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> I don't know, Chandler. Let's take a look.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, it's like a skit.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Why, it's dinner for six. 5 steaks, and an eggplant for Phoebe. </p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Whoo!</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Cool.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, we switched meat suppliers at work, and the new guys gave me the
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steaks as sort of a thank you.</p>
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||
<p><b>Ross:</b> But wait, there's more. Hey, Chandler, what is in the envelope?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (to the others) By the way, this didn't seem so dorky in the hall.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Come on.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish! (Pause) The
|
||
Blowfish!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> It's on us, all right, so don't worry. It's our treat.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> So...Thank you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Could you be less enthused?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Look, it's a nice gesture, it is. But it just feels like...</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Like?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Charity.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Charity?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> We're just tryin' to do a nice thing here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ross, you have to understand that your nice thing makes us feel this
|
||
big. (Holds her thumb and forefinger a short distance apart.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Actually, it makes us feel that big. (She squeezes Rachel's thumb and
|
||
forefinger closer together.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I don't, I don't understand. I mean, you, it's like we can't win with you
|
||
guys.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> If you guys feel this big (imitates Rachel's gesture), maybe that's
|
||
not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, now you're tellin' us how you feel.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Ok, we never shoulda talked about this.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie
|
||
place right now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Me neither.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Me too.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Guys, we bought the tickets.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats y'know, for all your tiaras and
|
||
stuff.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (to Phoebe) Why did you look at me when you said that?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Well, I guess now we can't go.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What? Come on, you do what you want to do. Do we always have to do
|
||
everything together?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You know what? You're right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Fine.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Fine. (Exits)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Fine.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Fine. (Exits)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Fine.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> All right. We're gonna go. (Exits, then comes back in) It's not for
|
||
another six hours. We're gonna go then.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is standing at the fridge as Ross enters hiding
|
||
Chandler behind the door.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Chandler! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (startling Ross) Yeah?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Geez! Are you ready?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes. Yes! Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Whoa! You had sex today?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. I was awesome,
|
||
ok? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Wow!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Now I know it's been awhile, but I took it as a good sign.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The phone rings and Chandler doesn't answer it.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Still doing the screening thing?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I had sex today. I never have to answer that phone again.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Machine:</strong> Here comes the beep, you know what to do.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jade:</b> Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really
|
||
hurt when you didn't show up the other day, and just so you know, I ended up meeting a
|
||
guy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (answering the phone) Bob here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jade:</b> Oh, hi.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> So, uh, you met someone, huh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jade:</b> Yes, yes, I did. In fact, I had sex with him 2 hours ago. (Chandler and
|
||
Ross dance in joy.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> So, uh, how was he?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jade:</b> Eh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Pause)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Eh?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jade:</b> Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. I had to bite my lip to keep from
|
||
screaming your name.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, that makes me feel so good.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jade:</b> It was just so awkward and bumpy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (silently mouthing) Bumpy?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Well, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not
|
||
familiar with. And uh maybe you have to get used to it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jade:</b> Well there really wasn't much time to get used to it, you know what I
|
||
mean?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Chandler grimaces.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Concert, Ross, Monica, and Chandler are sitting in their seats looking at
|
||
the three empty ones.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You know what? I'm not gonna be able to enjoy this.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, I know, it's my birthday. We all should be here.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> So, let's go.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They get up and start to leave, but the band starts to play.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Well maybe, you know, maybe we should stay for one song.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, I mean, it would be rude to them (the band) for us to leave now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You know, the guys are probably having a great time.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is trying to entertain Phoebe and Rachel.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (holding a hand behind his back) Come on you guys, one more time.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Ok. One.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Nooo. (He brings out his hand and is holding up two fingers.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Concert, the show has ended and everyone is starting to leave.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> That was amazing!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Excellent, that was excellent.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I can't believe the guys missed this.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> What guys? Oh, yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Young Man:</strong> Excuse me, you're Monica Geller aren't you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Do I know you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Young Man:</strong> You used to be my babysitter.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh my god, little Stevie Fisher? How've you been?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Steve:</b> Good, good, I'm a lawyer now.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You can't be a lawyer. You're eight.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Steve:</b> Listen, it was nice to see you. I gotta run backstage.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Uh, wait, backstage?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Steve:</b> Oh, yeah, my firm represents the band.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (introducing himself) Ross.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> (introducing himself) Chandler.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Steve:</b> How are you? Look, you guys wanna meet the group? Come on. So, are you
|
||
one of the ones who fooled around with my dad?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are there as Ross, Monica, and Chandler
|
||
enter.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey, you guys.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Happy birthday.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Oh, thank you, thanks. So uh, how was your night last night?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, well, it pretty much sucked. How was yours?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Yeah, ours pretty much sucked, oh, but, I did run into little Stevie
|
||
Fisher. Remember him?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh yeah. I used to babysit him. Hey, how's his dad?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Uh, good.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh, aside from that, the whole evening was pretty much a bust.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yeah, we really missed you guys.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, look, we were just saying, this whole thing is so stupid.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> We just have to really, really, really, not let stuff like money
|
||
get<EFBFBD>(notices something on Monica's neck)<29>Is that a hickey?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> No, I just, I fell down.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> On someone's lips? Where'd you get the hickey?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You know, a party, or...</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What party?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> It wasn't so much a party as a...a gathering of people, with food, and
|
||
music, and, and the band.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> You partied with Hootie and the Blowfish?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes, apparently Stevie and Hootie are like this. (Holds up crossed
|
||
fingers.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Who gave you that hickey?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> That would be the work of a Blowfish.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh! I can't believe it. I can't believe this. We're just like, sitting
|
||
at home, trying to guess Joey's fingers, and you guys are out like partying and having
|
||
fun, and you know, all, "Hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck".</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Look, don't blame us. You guys coulda been there, you know.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> What, as part of your poor friends outreach program?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Monica's pager goes off)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Oh great, it's work. (To Ross) Can you hand me that? (Ross hands her the
|
||
phone.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that we make more money than you.
|
||
But we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work really hard for it. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> And we don't work hard?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> (on phone) Yeah, hi, it's Monica. I just got a page.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little
|
||
more.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> And you feel like we hold you back.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Yes.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> No.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Everyone starts bickering.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Leon, Leon. Shhh! Guys. (They quiet down.) Wait, I don't understand.
|
||
Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor. That was not a kick back. I'll just
|
||
replace them and we can forget the whole thing. (Listens) What corporate policy? (Listens)
|
||
No. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Okay. (Hangs up) I just got fired.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Everyone goes over to comfort Monica)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Waitress:</b> (To Monica) Here's your check. That'll be $4.12.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (grabs the check) Let me get that. (To Chandler) You got five bucks?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Closing Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is lying on the couch as the phone rings. He's
|
||
also screening the calls.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Machine:</strong> Here comes the beep, you know what to do.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jade:</b> Hi, it's me. Listen, Bob. I'm probably way out of line here. I mean, It
|
||
has been 3 years, and you're probably seeing someone else now, but if we could just have
|
||
one night together, just for old time's sake, one hot, steamy, wild night...</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey lunges for phone and misses.)</p>
|
||
</font>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><font size="3"><strong>End</strong> </font></p>
|
||
|
||
<hr>
|
||
|
||
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|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |