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<title>The One With Joey’s Interview</title>
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<h1 align="center">The One With Joey’s Interview</h1>
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<hr>
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<p>Written by: Doty Abrams<br>
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Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:webmaster@thecfsi.com">Eric Aasen</a><br>
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Episodes Orginally Transcribed by: <a href="mailto:webmaster@thecfsi.com">Eric Aasen</a>, <font size="3"><a href="mailto:Ericaasen1@aol.com">guineapig</a>, </font><a href="http://www.livesinabox.com/friends/season2/josh.html">Josh Hodge</a>, <a href="mailto:webmaster@friendsplace.com">Aaron
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D. Howard-Miller</a>, and <a href="mailto:The1WthAerosmith@aol.com">Kiza Abuzahra</a>.</p>
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<hr>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone except Phoebe is there as Rachel enters
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carrying a magazine.]</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Hi!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> So, I’m in my apartment doing the <i>Soap Opera Digest</i>
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crossword puzzle, and guess who the clue is for three down. (She hands the magazine to
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Joey.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (reading) Three down, <i>Days Of Our Lives</i> star blank Tribbiani.
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That’s me!! I’m blank!!</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> How cool is this?! We know three down! I’m touching three down!
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(She has her hand on his shoulder.)</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah you are baby.</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> Three down knows I’m married, what’s three down doin’?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> So did they call you to tell you your name’s gonna be in this?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> No. They really like me over there. They want to do a big profile on me,
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but I said no.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Why’d you say no?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Remember what happened the last time I did an interview for them? I said I
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write a lot of my own lines, and then the writers got mad and made my character fall down
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the elevator shaft. So who knows what I might say this time.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> If <b>only</b> there was something in your head to control the things
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you say. (Joey nods his agreement.)</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, come on Joey! You will totally keep it in check this time, and plus
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y’know the publicity would be really good for your career! And you deserve that! And
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if you do the interview you can mention, oh I don’t know, gal pal Rachel Green?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> Is that gal pal spelled L-O-S-E-R?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Okay, don’t listen to him. Please?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Fine! All right, I’ll do it. But hey! You guys have to be at the next
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table so you can stop me if I y’know, start to say something stupid.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Just then or-or all the time, ‘cause we-we have jobs y’know.</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Come on! We will be there for you the whole time! Just remember gal pal
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Rachel Green. (Excited) Ha-ha! I’m gonna be in <i>Soap Opera Digest</i>! And not just
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in the dumb crossword puzzle. (Looks at Joey.) Seriously, proud of you.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah.</p>
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<p align="center"><strong>Opening Credits</strong></p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there for his interview and everyone but Phoebe are
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hiding on the couch.]</p>
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<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> I really appreciate you taking the time to do this.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, not at all. Happy to do it.</p>
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<p>[Cut to the rest of the gang sitting low on the couch and craning their necks to watch
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the interview.]</p>
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<p><b>Monica:</b> (To Chandler) You think we’re being obvious?</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> No, we’re just four people with neck problems. You talk like
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this. (Out of the sides of their mouths.)</p>
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<p>[Cut to the interview.]</p>
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<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> (To Joey) Y’know I think its great you wanted to meet
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here. Y’know when most people hear the magazine is paying for it they want to go to a
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big fancy restaurant.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> (laughs) Actually, I didn’t know the magazine was paying for it.
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Wouldn’t have mattered, I’m doing this for the fans, not for the free food.</p>
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<p><strong>Gunther:</strong> Can I get you anything?</p>
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<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Umm, I’ll have a cup of coffee.</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> And I’ll have all the muffins.</p>
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<p>[Cut to the gang.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (entering) Hey!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Shhh! We’re not talking.</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh. Finally! Oh. (Sits back in relief.)</p>
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<p>[Cut to the interview.]</p>
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<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> So, according to your bio, you’ve done quite a bit of work
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before <i>Days of Our Lives</i>. Anything you’re particularly proud of?</p>
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<p>[This starts a series of flashbacks; the first one is from Episode 106: The One With
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The Butt, Joey is in a play called Freud!.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> (He goes into a song and dance number) </p>
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<em>
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<blockquote>
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<p>All you want is a dingle,<br>
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What you envy's a schwang,<br>
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A thing through which you can tinkle,<br>
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Or play with, or simply let hang...</p>
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</blockquote>
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</em>
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<p>[The next one is from Episode 304: The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel, Joey is on
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Amazing Discoveries.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Host:</b> Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a
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nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and
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these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Oh, you said it Mike. (Rips open the carton and spills milk on the
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counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Mike:</b> And there is Kevin.</p>
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<p>[Cut forward.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Mike:</b> This is the first time he’s ever used this product, he's never used this
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product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (To Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin'
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starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you
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don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> (finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (Starts
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to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday.</p>
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<p>(The crowd ahhs.)</p>
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<p>[The next one is from Episode 322: The One With The Screamer, it’s the end of
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Joey’s play.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Lauren:</b> So this is it? Victor?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Yeah, I guess it is. And so… I’m gonna get on this
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spaceship, (Smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with
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flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and I’m gonna go to Blargon 7 in search
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of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you’ll be long gone. But
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I won’t have aged at all. (Gets on the ladder) So you tell your
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great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne… baby…I’m gonna
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want to meet her. </p>
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<p>(The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7.)</p>
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<p>[The next one is from Episode 204: The One With Phoebe’s Husband, when everyone
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including Julie is watching Joey in his porno.] </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I
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can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do…so I just watch 'em
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have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, (Joey from TV) <i>you know that's bad for
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the paper tray</i>.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> Nice work my friend.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Thank you. Wait-wait-wait-wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's
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butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am…</p>
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<p>[Cut to the interview.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, there are so many things, it’s hard to pick just one.</p>
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<p>[Cut to the gang.]</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> I’m gonna get some coffee, anyone want anything?</p>
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<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh yeah, I’d actually love a blueberry muffin and a chamomile tea.</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh, double latte, extra foam.</p>
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<p><b>Chandler:</b> And a bagel with only…</p>
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<p><b>Phoebe:</b> (interrupting him) I was just being polite!</p>
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<p>[Cut to the interview.]</p>
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<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Okay, how about when you’re not working. What do you do in
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your spare time?</p>
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<p>[This starts another series of flashbacks about Joey’s hobbies. The first one is
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from Episode 703: The One With Phoebe’s Cookies, Rachel is teaching Joey how to sail
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his boat, the Mr. Bowmont.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he’s got a
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bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way
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jackass! (To Rachel) Who names their boat Coast Guard anyway?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Rachel:</b></b> That <b>is</b> the Coast Guard. </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> What are they doing out here? The coast’s all the way over there.
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(Points to the coast.)</p>
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<p>[The next one is from Episode 603: The One With Ross’s Denial, Joey is amazing
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Phoebe and Monica by holding his breath.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> (entering) Hey!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Phoebe:</b></b> Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his
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breath for almost four minutes! </p>
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<p>(We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and
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pinches Joey’s nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he’s now
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forced to actually hold his breath.) </p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> (To Chandler) Dude! What are yo—you trying to kill me?!</p>
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<p>[The next one is from Episode 507: The One Where Ross Moves In.]</p>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the
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door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy
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hat.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the
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cowboy hat is a little much?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Ross:</b></b> (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's
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fun!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a
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bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!</p>
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<p>(Chandler does so.)</p>
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<p>[The next one is from Episode 417: The One With The Free Porn, Chandler and Joey are
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lamenting the fact that every beautiful woman they see doesn’t want to have sex right
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then and there like in porn.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> Y’know what, we have to turn off the porn.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> I think you’re right.</p>
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<p>(Goes over and picks up the remote.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> All right, ready?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> One.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> Two.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b>Both:</b> Three.</p>
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<p>(Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote down.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> That’s kinda nice.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> Yeah, that’s kinda a relief.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Yeah.</p>
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<p>(Pause.)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> You wanna see if we still have it?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Yeah.</p>
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<p>(Chandler turns on the TV and…)</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> FREE PORN!!!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Yeah!!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> We have free porn here!!!</p>
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<p>[Cut to the interview.]</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> In my spare time I uh, read to the blind. And I’m also a mento for
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the kids.(The gang shake their heads.) Y’know a mento, a role model. (Chandler bites
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his fist to keep from talking.)</p>
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<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> A mento…</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Right.</p>
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<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Like the candy?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Matter of fact, I do.</p>
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<p>(Chandler tries to jump over the couch but everyone stops him.)</p>
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<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Well umm, another thing our readers always want to know is how
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our soap stars stay in such great shape. Do you have some kind of fitness regime?</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh, we stars just try to eat right and get lots of exercise.</p>
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<p>[Another set of flashbacks begin with Episode 521: The One With The Ball, Joey and Ross
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are throwing a ball around.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping
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it, for like an hour?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Ross:</b></b> Are you serious?!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say
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anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Ross:</b></b> Wow! We are pretty good at this!</p>
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<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah!</p>
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<p><b>Ross:</b> Hey! We totally forgot about lunch!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks
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his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose!</p>
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<p>[The next one is from Episode 604: The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance.]</p>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position
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on the floor.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> What’s wrong with you?</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was
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lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up
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since. But um, I don’t think it’s anything serious.</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> This sounds like a hernia. You have to—you-you—Go to the
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doctor!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> No way! ‘Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything
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it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows
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Chandler.) Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.)
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Damn you 15s!</p>
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<p>[The next one is from Episode 609: The One Where Ross Got High, Rachel is describing
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her desert to Joey and Ross.]</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Rachel:</b></b> It’s a trifle. It’s got all of these layers. First
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there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from
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scratch. [Joey and Ross make impressed faces] Then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then
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beef sautéed with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like something’s wrong.] then
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a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top!</p>
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<p>[Time lapse, Ross and Joey are eating Rachel’s disaster.]<b><font size="2"> </font></b></p><b><font size="2">
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</font>
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</b><p><b><b>Ross:</b></b> It tastes like feet!</p>
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<b>
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</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> I like it.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Ross:</b></b> Are you kidding?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Goooooood.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[The next one is from Episode 619: The One With Joey’s Fridge.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering to find Joey bingeing on the
|
||
food from the fridge. Joey isn’t doing all that well.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream,
|
||
limes—Hey, what was in that brown jar?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> That’s still in there?!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Not anymore. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[The next one is from Episode 711: The One With All the Cheesecakes.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on their knees with forks trying to
|
||
salvage what they can of the cheesecake off of the floor.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Rachel:</b></b> Oh! Yay! Look! There’s a piece that doesn’t have floor on
|
||
it!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> Stick to your side!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Rachel:</b></b> Hey, come on now!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and
|
||
look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin’? (Starts digging
|
||
in.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to the interview.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Uhh, I don’t believe in these crazy diets y’know, just
|
||
everything in moderation.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><strong>Gunther:</strong> Your muffins. (Sets down a huge plate of muffins in front of
|
||
Joey.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I’ll take those to go. (To the interviewer) For the kids.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you. You were on the show years
|
||
ago and then they killed you off. What happened there?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> It was so stupid, I said some stuff in an interview that I shouldn’t
|
||
have said. But believe me, that’s not gonna happen today.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Understood. So, what’d you say back then?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Well, I said that I… (The gang jumps up and interrupts him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Commercial Break</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> You guys, this is Shelley, she’s interviewing me for <i>Soap Opera
|
||
Digest</i>, and Shelley, this are my friends…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (interrupting him) Hi! I’m gal pal Rachel Green, and if you want
|
||
the dirt, I’m the one you come too. This might be Joey’s baby (rubbing her
|
||
stomach), who knows? I’m just kidding—Seriously, (leans into the cassette
|
||
recorder Shelley is using) gal pal Rachel Green.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> (leaning into the recorder as well) Who just lost the respect of her
|
||
unborn child.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Umm, I’m gonna just go get this warmed up. (She takes her
|
||
coffee mug up to the counter.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Joey! You’re doing great!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, so far nothing stupid.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Mento?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> No thanks.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> (returning) So, as Joey’s friends, is there anything that
|
||
you guys think our readers ought to know?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Uh no, no just-just that he is a great guy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> (scoffs at him) Yeah, that’s gonna get you into <i>Soap Opera
|
||
Digest</i>. Well I…(leans into the microphone again)…I would just like to say
|
||
that Joey truly has enriched the days of <b>our</b> lives.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Umm, I…I just think you don’t expect someone so hot to be so
|
||
sweet.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Oh! I like that. What’s your name?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Umm, Phoebe Buffay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> How do you spell that? So we can get it right.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh okay, it’s P as in Phoebe, H as in hoebe, O as in oebe, E as in
|
||
ebe, B as in bee-bee and E as in (In an Australian accent) ‘Ello there mate!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Great! Well, it was nice meeting all of you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Yeah, you too.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> You too!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Thanks.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> Bye. (They resume their previous positions.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> So it seems like you have a lot of friends, who would you say
|
||
is your best friend?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[They gang all lean back to listen better, and this starts another series of
|
||
flashbacks. The first one is from Episode 214: The One With The Prom Video, Rachel has
|
||
just found the bracelet that Joey gave Chandler, which is after he bought one to replace
|
||
it.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> How come you have two?<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>Chandler:</b> Well this one's for you.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>Joey:</b> Get out.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>Chandler:</b> No, I can't. No-no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I
|
||
also know that this is about more than just jewelry, (Puts bracelet on Joey) it's about
|
||
you and me and the fact that we're (Reading bracelet) best buds.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>Joey:</b> Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
<b>Chandler:</b> That's what they'll call us.<br>
|
||
<br>
|
||
[The next one is from Episode 618: The One Where Ross Dates A Student.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are eating spaghetti in the living room while
|
||
watching TV and Rachel drops some on the floor.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh, Joey! Sorry!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> No that’s all right. Don’t worry about it.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh but look! That’s gonna leave a stain! </p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Rach! Hey! It’s fine! You’re at Joey’s!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Really?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah! Look! (He throws some of his spaghetti on the floor.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> I’ve never lived like this before.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I know.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Rachel throws some of hers down.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> All right, don’t waste it, I mean its still food. (He picks it up and
|
||
eats it.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[The next one is from Episode 224: The One With Barry And Mindy’s Wedding, Joey
|
||
has to kiss a guy in an audition and has been trying to find one to practice with.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a script as Ross enters]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna
|
||
be a good friend, and damnit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes
|
||
(kisses Joey).</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I
|
||
didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[The next one is from Episode 512: The One With Chandler’s Work Laugh, Joey and
|
||
Phoebe are betting on who will reach the treat the fastest, the chick or the duck.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths.
|
||
(He removes the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the
|
||
chicken.) And they're off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from
|
||
moving.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Phoebe:</b></b> Get your foot off my contestant! Judge!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Judge rules, no violation.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Phoebe:</b></b> Ohhh.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Phoebe:</b></b> (turning from Ross.) No!! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's
|
||
just an old Wonton!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Judge rules, Nutter-Butter.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Phoebe:</b></b> Ohh, tough call.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[The next one is from Episode 401: The One With The Jellyfish, where Monica, Joey, and
|
||
Chandler are relating that tragic day they spent on the beach.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> I’d seen this thing on <i>The Discovery Channel</i>...</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Ross:</b></b> Wait a minute! I saw that! On <i>The Discovery Channel</i>, yeah!
|
||
About jellyfish and how if you... (Stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You
|
||
peed on yourself?!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe and <b>Rachel:</b></b> Ewwww!!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Monica:</b></b> You can’t say that!! You-you don’t know!! I mean I thought
|
||
I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn’t...bend that
|
||
way. So... (Looks at Joey.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b>Phoebe, Ross, and <b>Rachel:</b></b> (turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed
|
||
help! And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to the interview.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Umm, no. No best friend, no. Just a lot of close friends.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> So umm, now back to the show. How does it feel to have a huge
|
||
gay fan base?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Really? Me? Wow! I don’t even know any huge gay people!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to the gang.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> It hurts me. It physically hurts me.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to the interview.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Now, off the record, you’re not…</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Another group of flashbacks begin with Episode 513: The One With Joey’s Bag. Joey
|
||
is carrying the bag and has entered Central Perk to the amusement of Ross and Chandler.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just
|
||
looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your
|
||
stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Your make-up!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[The next one is from Episode 712: The One Where They’re Up All Night, Joey and
|
||
Ross are deciding how to climb down the final part of the fire escape.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we’re face to
|
||
face or-or should I climb down your back so we’re-we’re butt to face.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I think face to face.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I would say that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Face to face, yeah!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Okay, here I go.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> All right. </p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joey’s chest.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (grunting) Oh my… How much do you weigh Ross?!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> I prefer not to answer that right now, I’m still carrying a little
|
||
holiday weight.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other foot further down on Joey’s
|
||
torso, but that doesn’t work very well and he’s forced to wrap his legs around
|
||
Joey. Which then forces Joey to get a nice and close view of Ross’s crotch.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Y’know, when we talked about face to face, I don’t think we
|
||
thought it all the way through.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[The next one is from Episode 722: The One With Chandler’s Dad.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.)</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Phoebe:</b></b> Hey!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe
|
||
that he’s got panties on.) How much of a man am I?!</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Phoebe:</b></b> Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[The next one is from Episode 608: The One With Ross’s Teeth, Chandler is accusing
|
||
Joey of becoming less of a man.]</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> You’re turning into a woman.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> No I’m not. Why would you say that? That’s just mean.</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Chandler:</b></b> Now I’ve upset you? What did I say?</p>
|
||
<b>
|
||
|
||
</b><p><b><b>Joey:</b></b> It’s not what you said. It’s the way you said it… Oh My
|
||
God, I’m a woman!!!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[The next one is from Episode 706: The One With The Nap Partners.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at
|
||
the same time.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Great nap.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> It really was.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring
|
||
at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the
|
||
gang.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to the interview.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Uh me? Gay? No! No. No, but I have a number of close friends who are.
|
||
(Chandler and Ross look at each other.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> So, let’s talk about women. I’m sure our female
|
||
readers will be interested to know about your romantic life.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Another series of flashbacks begins with Episode 413: The One With Rachel’s
|
||
Crush, Joey is telling Rachel and Phoebe how he picks up women.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say,
|
||
"Hey, how you doin’?"</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Phoebe:</b> Oh, please!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doin’?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks away.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[The next one is from Episode 605: The One With Joey's Porsche.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: The street, Joey is messing with a car cover and still wearing the Porsche
|
||
stuff. This guy playing street football catches a pass next to the car cover Joey is
|
||
fooling around with.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey! How you doin’?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Woman:</b> (to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> I’d love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She’s sleeping.
|
||
(The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the
|
||
same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses
|
||
it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[The next one is from Episode 613: The One With Rachel’s Sister, Chandler has just
|
||
opened the door to reveal a woman standing there.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Woman:</b> Hi, is Rachel here? I’m her sister.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Oh my God, Jill!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jill:</b> Oh my God, Rachel!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(They run and hug each other.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Chandler:</b> Oh my God, introduce us!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> This is Chandler. (Points at him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Jill:</b> Hi!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> And you know Monica and Ross!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Hi Jill.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> And that’s Phoebe (points), and that’s Joey.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin’?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Don’t!! (Joey backs away frightened.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[The final one is from Episode 607: The One Where Phoebe Runs, Joey has been trying to
|
||
repel Janice and sees it’s not working to his liking so he’s confronting her
|
||
about the sexual tension.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janine:</b> No! I mean you're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate
|
||
and your friend, I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about you.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right?
|
||
Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janine:</b> I don't think so.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, I do. (Gives her the Joey-love look.) How you doin?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Janine:</b> I'm okay.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> What?!?! Oh dear God!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Cut to the interview.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Not much to tell there I’m really shy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The gang is confused.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> So, that’s it. I guess that’s all I need. Thank you
|
||
so much. I think they will be running this in the beginning of next month.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh great! Great! Thank you. (They shake hands.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Bye.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Bye-bye. (The interviewer leaves and he sits down with the rest of the
|
||
gang.) I did it!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Yeah!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Amazing! Amazing!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> (returning) Oh wait! I almost forgot. We have to ask everybody
|
||
this. Other than <i>Days of Our Lives</i>, what’s your favorite soap opera?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, I don’t watch soap operas. Excuse me, I have a life, y’know?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>(The gang is disappointed.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>The Interviewer:</b> Thank you. The readers at <i>Soap Opera Digest</i> will be
|
||
happy to hear that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh, good to know. (The interviewer leaves.) So close!</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>Closing Credits</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone is reading Joey’s interview.]</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Rachel:</b> Wow! I can’t believe they didn’t put it in the part where you
|
||
said you didn’t watch soap operas.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Yeah, I called the lady about that. I told her I was just joking. She was
|
||
pretty nice about that.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Monica:</b> You slept with her didn’t you?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Little bit, yeah.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Wow! This picture of you sure is steamy.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Oh yeah, that’s just a little something for my huge gay fan base.
|
||
(Winks at him.)</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Ross:</b> Did you just wink at me?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p><b>Joey:</b> Hey, you’re the one that loves the picture.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p align="center"><strong>End</strong></p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</body></html> |