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<body class=" __plain_text_READY__">906 - The One With The Male Nanny (200th episode)
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<p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<p>Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane<br>Transcribed by: Coffee
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Mug<br>Russian to Roman alphabet: Gabriela Horber</p>
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<p>Dedicated to the great work of Eric Aasen, Guineapig and many, many more</p>
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<p><br>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<p>[Scene: Chandler's hotel room in Tulsa. He's fast asleep when the telephone
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rings.]</p>
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<p>Chandler: (picking up the telephone, answering it with a frog in his throat)
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Hello? (he clears his throat, but he still has the same frog in his throat when
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he speaks again) Hello?</p>
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<p>Monica: (in her apartment, screaming) I LOVE MY NEW JOB!</p>
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<p>Chandler: Honey, you're screaming.</p>
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<p>Monica: YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM! I just had the best first day ever! The
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kitchen: twice as big as Allessandro's.</p>
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<p>Chandler: (yawning) Oh, that's great.</p>
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<p>Monica: Yeah, a-a-and clean. Not just health department clean... Monica
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clean.</p>
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<p>Chandler: (clearly not so interested) Awesome.</p>
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<p>Monica: Oh, and the people are so nice. There's this one guy, Geoffrey, he's
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the Maitre D., Chandler, you will love him. He is without a doubt, the funniest
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guy I have ever met. (Chandler, who was almost asleep again, sits up straight in
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bed in an instant and can't believe what he just heard.)</p>
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<p>OPENING CREDITS</p>
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<p>[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are on the couch, holding hands, while
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Phoebe puts milk in her coffee.]</p>
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<p>Mike: This is nice.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: I know! (Phoebe picks up a little packet of sugar, shakes it, and
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then realises she can't open it with one hand, but doesn't want to let go of
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Mike's hand. She tries to tear open the packet with one hand.)</p>
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<p>Mike: You need both hands for that?</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Yeah, I kinda do. (Mike lets go of her hand) Well, how's this? (she
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takes Mike's hand and puts it on her breast, she tears open the sugar and puts
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it in her coffee. Mike thinks it over and nods appreciative. After that, they
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hold hands again. Joey now enters, and sees the two sitting on the couch,
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holding hands.)</p>
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<p>Joey: (in a very aaaaahhhhh sweeeeeet voice) Aaahhh, look at you two...
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holding hands... huh is this getting serious? (Phoebe and Mike, embarrassed,
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start babbling and look away.) Have you not talked about it yet? (They say
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nothing now, but smile) Am I making you uncomfortable? (smiles are becoming
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forced now, and he speaks to Mike) If you were bigger you'd hit me, huh...?
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Aaaaaahhhhhh (he turns away to the bar)</p>
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<p>Phoebe: I'm sorry... I'm sorry. It's obviously way too early for us to be...
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having that conversation.</p>
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<p>Mike: Is it?</p>
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<p>Phoebe: (in a flash she answers) Maybe not, is it?</p>
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<p>Mike: Okay, when I got divorced, I didn't think I'd feel this way about
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someone for a really long time... Then again, I didn't think I'd meet someone
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like you... and... this may be crazy soon, but... I want you to have this... (He
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tries to get something from his pocket, but it's not that easy... Phoebe looks
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in a "what's happening" face to him. He finally has found something) No, not...
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that's gum. (He digs in a little more.) Ooh, five bucks... I love it when that
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happens, you know... Think no note's there...</p>
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<p>Phoebe: (impatient) I know Mike, why don't you keep digging?</p>
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<p>Mike: Oh, sorry. (He digs in again and finally finds what he's been looking
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for. A key.)</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Oh, it's a key. To be honest, I think I'd prefer the five
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dollars.</p>
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<p>Mike: It's to my apartment.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: (really surprised) Oh wow, ooh! Ooh, big step for Phoebe and
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Mike.</p>
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<p>Mike: Yeah, look, and I don't want you to feel like you have to give me your
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key just because...</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Oh no, I want to.</p>
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<p>Mike: Oh, thank God. (he laughs nervously, and Phoebe gets her keychain from
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her bag.)</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Yeah... ooh... wow... Even started to think I'd never meet someone
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that, you know, I wanted to... do this with. Here you go. (Both Phoebe and Mike
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look really proud.)</p>
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<p>Mike: Is this cool, huh?</p>
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<p>Phoebe: It really is.</p>
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<p>Joey: (sitting at his table) Oh, I know it... It is amazing these little
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things open doors... huh! (mimes opening a door with his own keys, Phoebe looks
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at him in a "yeah, yeah, yeah" way.)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Both of them sitting on the couch,
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interviewing a nanny candidate.]</p>
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<p>Rachel: So I don't go back to work for another four weeks, but we would like
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our nanny to start right away, so that Emma could get a chance to know her.</p>
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<p>Prospective nanny: (in a sweet, caring voice) I think that's really smart.
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The easier we can make the transition for her, the better. (Ross and Rachel seem
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pleased with the answer.)</p>
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<p>Rachel: That's great, great. So do you have any questions for us?</p>
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<p>Prospective nanny: Not really.</p>
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<p>Rachel: Allright. Well thank you so much for coming... (they're standing up
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and make their way to the door)</p>
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<p>Ross: Thank you.</p>
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<p>Rachel: Really nice to meet you... and we'll call you.</p>
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<p>Prospective nanny: Oh, you know, wait. I do have one question. (she starts
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playing with her hair) Do you guys do random drug testing?</p>
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<p>Ross: Boy, we uhm... hadn't really thought of that.</p>
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<p>Prospective nanny: That's cool. But... but if you do, I'm gonna need three
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days notice.</p>
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<p>Rachel: Okidoki! (and she slams the door in the nanny's face while Ross
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crumples up the application form) Wow! We're never gonna find a nanny.</p>
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<p>Ross: Oh, come on Rach, we will. I promise. We have more interviews (They sit
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down and Rachel sighs) And worse comes to worse, we can always reconsider the
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uhm... the first one we met with.</p>
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<p>Rachel: (indignant) What, the blonde with no bra?</p>
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<p>Ross: She was blonde? (he looks surprised for a while, but then gets a
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"gotcha" expression on his face... There's knocking at the door.) Just a sec.!
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Okay, okay. This one's name is Sandy. She's got a degree in early childhood
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education, uhm... she worked for her last family for three years.</p>
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<p>Rachel: Okay... (Ross opens the door.)</p>
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<p>Sandy: (a guy) Hi... I'm Sandy.</p>
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<p>Ross: And she's a little mannish...</p>
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<p>[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. There's a knock on the door, and Phoebe opens
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it.]</p>
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<p>Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God! David!</p>
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<p>David: Hi! I-i-is this a bad time?</p>
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<p>Phoebe: (excited) No! It's a great time, come in...! WOW, hi... Oh my gosh!
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What are you doing here? Are you back from Minsk?</p>
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<p>David: Well, just for a couple of days, uhm... I'm here to explain to the
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people who gave us our grant, why it's a positive thing that we spent all their
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money and uhm... accomplished uhm... nothing.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Who cares, it got you here.</p>
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<p>David: Well, it got me to New York anyway, and then I got on a cab at the
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airport, and the guy said where to? and I just... gave him your address I...
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I... I didn't even think about it.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Wow. Where is your luggage? (David thinks for a while)</p>
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<p>David: Damn it!</p>
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<p>Phoebe: A-Allright, well... I'll call the cab company.</p>
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<p>David: Wa... wa... wait! We can... call them later. Can you just... just
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stand there f-f-for a moment? Boy! There's an old Russian expression, uhm... it
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goes: Schto ya ztez vigul... ui! Roughly translated that means uhm... This thing
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that I'm looking at: wow!</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Thank you! God, no! You should see me when... Oh actually, no, I look
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pretty good.</p>
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<p>David: Are... are you kidding? You know, when you don't see someone for a
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long time, a-a-and you kind of build them up in your head and you start thinking
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about: Come on, don't be crazy. Nobody is that beautiful, but... well, you are.
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(Phoebe seems very charmed) Well, so, uhm... are you seeing... anyone? (Phoebe
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is still up on a cloud from what David just said)</p>
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<p>Phoebe: No...</p>
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<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica sits on the couch and Phoebe
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is pacing up and down the room.]</p>
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<p>Phoebe: I'm... I'm just... I'm the worst person ever. How can I not tell
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David that I'm seeing Mike?</p>
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<p>Monica: Maybe he didn't give you a chance.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: He said: Are you seeing someone? And I said no...</p>
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<p>Monica: Oh, well... That had been your window.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Yeah! I mean, I don't know. I was just , I was looking, I was looking
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in his eyes and I was just thinking: Oh my God! It's David. David's here. He's
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just, he's so irresistible.</p>
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<p>Monica: Really? The scientist guy?</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Really? Chandler?</p>
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<p>Monica: Continue...</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Oh.Okay, then it gets worse, 'cause then I told him that I would see
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him tomorrow night.</p>
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<p>Monica: Phoebe!</p>
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<p>Phoebe: I know! (points at herself) Evil! And... and... and... I like Mike so
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much, you know. It's just going really well. Oh my God!</p>
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<p>Monica: Wow, isn't it ironic that David would show up on the same day that
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you and Mike exchange keys?</p>
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<p>Phoebe: (sarcastically) Uhuh... Yeah...!, you know. And given my life long
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search for irony, you can imagine how happy I am.</p>
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<p>Monica: What are you gonna do?</p>
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<p>Phoebe: I mean I guess, I just have to... tell David that nothing can happen
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between us. Unless I don't... You know, complicated moral situation, no right,
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no wrong...</p>
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<p>Monica: You have to tell David!</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Okay, I knew I should have had this conversation with Joey.</p>
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<p>[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments. Chandler comes home.]</p>
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<p>Chandler: (angry) Funniest guy she's ever met! (to the door) I'm funny,
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right...? What do you know, you're a door... You just like knock-knock jokes...
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(laughs about himself, but then gets determined again) Save it for inside! (he
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enters)</p>
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<p>Monica: Heeeeeey! </p>
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<p>Chandler: Hey!</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Hey!</p>
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<p>Chandler: So... Oklahoma is a crazy place. You know, they call it the Sooner
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state. Frankly I'd sooner be in any other state. (Monica looks at Phoebe, who
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also doesn't know what to say.) And what's with Oklahoma having a pan handle?
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Can all states have stuff like that? Hey yeah, I'm from the waistband, Wyoming.
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But when I was seven, we headed over to the crotch.</p>
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<p>Monica: (Doesn't believe what she's hearing) Was your cabin pressurised?</p>
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<p>Chandler: (laughs, but then moves to Phoebe) And don't get me started on the
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way that people from Tulsa talk.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Okay. (and she walks away)</p>
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<p>Chandler: What's with the word y'all? You know, just... two words just...
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pushed together... Are we all allowed to do that, because if so, I say why stop
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there? You know, your new poodle could be your noodle. And fried chicken? Could
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be fricken.Waiter, waiter excuse me, I'll have the fricken? (Monica laughs) See,
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that's... that's funny with the fricken, right?</p>
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<p>Monica: No, it just remind me of something this guy did today at work. I told
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you about that funny guy, Geoffrey, right?</p>
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<p>Chandler: Yeah, he came up...</p>
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<p>Monica: Well, he did this bit... You probably had to be there, but it was
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Liza Minelli locked in our freezer, eating a raw chicken. (Phoebe bursts out in
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a laugh)</p>
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<p>Chandler: (to Phoebe) Were you there?</p>
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<p>Phoebe: No, but it sounds like it was fricken funny...</p>
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<p>[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. They're interviewing Sandy.]</p>
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<p>Sandy: I really do understand how hard it's gotta be to leave your child with
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another person. I mean, it's leaving behind a piece of your heart... (Ross has
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got that bored/angry/skeptic look and Rachel is very emotional)</p>
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<p>Rachel: Sandy, that's exactly what it is...</p>
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<p>Ross: Are you gay? (Rachel turns to Ross in an embarrassed way)</p>
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<p>Rachel: Ross!</p>
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<p>Sandy: It's okay. I get that a lot doing what I do. But I am straight. I-I'm
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engaged actually.</p>
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<p>Rachel: Oh!</p>
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<p>Sandy: Her name is Deliah.</p>
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<p>Rachel: Oh, that's pretty.</p>
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<p>Ross: (skeptic) So you're just like a... guy who's a nanny?</p>
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<p>Sandy: I realise how it's... a bit unorthodox for some people, but I really
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believe, the most satisfying thing you can do with your life, is take care of a
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child.</p>
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<p>Ross: (on a yeah, right tone) Okay.</p>
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<p>Sandy: Like in my last job, I met Daniel when he was three weeks old. And I
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got to watch him grow into this awesome person... When I left, I said: I'll see
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you soon... And he said to me: Skdandy... (Ross and Rachel look puzzled) That
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was his name for me... I'll see you every day... right in... (points at his
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heart, but starts to cry before he can finish his sentence. Rachel tries to
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comfort him, but Ross has this "you've got to be kidding me" look all over
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him)</p>
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<p>Ross: Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap. (In the other room Emma starts to
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cry.)</p>
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<p>Rachel: Oh God, she mu... she must need her diaper changed.</p>
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<p>Sandy: Oh, oh, I can do it for her, if you want...</p>
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<p>Rachel: Oh, that would be great! (Sandy leaves for Emma's room) I love him, I
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love him, I love him...</p>
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<p>Ross: Oh, come on, Rach, he's a guy!</p>
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<p>Rachel: So wh..? He's smart, he's qualified. Give me one good reason we
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shouldn't try him out.</p>
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<p>Ross: Because, it's weird!</p>
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<p>Rachel: Why?</p>
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<p>Ross: What kind of job is that for a man? A nanny? I-It's like if a woman
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wanted to be...</p>
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<p>Rachel: (she's got that "yeah, try to say it" look on her face) Yes?</p>
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<p>Ross: King?</p>
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<p>Sandy: I er... I hope you don't mind. I used some of my home-made lotion on
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Emma. It's a mixture of calendula and honey cream. It'll dry that rash right up.
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Plus... It keeps the hands young... (it makes Rachel smile)</p>
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<p>Rachel: (whispering and begging) Please? (Ross makes a "whatever" gesture)
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YES! Sandy you're hired.</p>
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<p>Sandy: That's great! (He gets emotional again and waves his hand in front of
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his face in a feminine way, like trying to dry his tears) I'm sorry. It's
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just... such an emotional thing when you're welcomed into a new family...</p>
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<p>Rachel: Oooh... ***I really can't hear what she says*** come here.</p>
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<p>Ross: You gotta be at least bi...</p>
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<p>COMMERCIAL BREAK</p>
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<p>[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is reading a 'Busty Ladies' magazine when
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Chandler enters.]</p>
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<p>Chandler: Hey! (Joey doesn't look up, but gestures 'wait a minute' with his
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finger while he finishes reading the article. Chandler waits for Joey to
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finish.) I need you to set me up for a joke. Later, when Monica is around, I
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need you to ask me about fire trucks.</p>
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<p>Joey: Ooh. I-I don't know Chan. I'm not so good with remembering lines.</p>
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<p>Chandler: (Can't believe what he hears) Well, thank God your livelihood
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doesn't depend on it.</p>
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<p>Joey: I know, right? (Chandler has really big eyes, and nods) Wh... Wh... Why
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are we doing this?</p>
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<p>Chandler: Monica says that her Maitre D. is the funniest guy she's ever
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met.</p>
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<p>Joey: Seriously? She actually said that?</p>
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<p>Chandler: Yes! Am I crazy to be this upset?</p>
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<p>Joey: Nooooo! Being funny is your thing!</p>
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<p>Chandler: Yeah!</p>
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<p>Joey: Without that, you just got "lame with women".</p>
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<p>Chandler: Ye.... (stops because he realises what Joey just said, and stares
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at him. At this moment Monica enters)</p>
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<p>Monica: Hi! There you are.</p>
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<p>Joey: (sees Monica) Fire trucks! (Chandlers eyes double in size and he turns
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to Monica who doesn't understand what's happening. Then he turns back to Joey,
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who says "you're welcome" without a sound)</p>
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<p>[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe just let David in who brought a bottle of
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wine.]</p>
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<p>David: Wow, you look even... more beautiful than you did yesterday.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Oof...</p>
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<p>David: In fact, ehm... I going to kiss you now. (David holds Phoebe and wants
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to kiss her.)</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Oh, wait, wait!</p>
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<p>David: Yeah, I-I don't, I can't get away with stuff like that. I-I-It sounded
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sexy in my head, so I...</p>
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<p>Phoebe: No, no, it's not that. (they go sit on the couch) Uhm... Remember
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when you asked me if I was seeing someone and I said no? Well, uhm... I am. His
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... his name is Mike.</p>
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<p>David: Oh... oh...</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Yeah, I should have told you.</p>
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<p>David: No... well, yeah.</p>
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<p>Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.</p>
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<p>David: Well, i-it's okay. I-I-I understand... Well, s... well, are you happy
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with this guy?</p>
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<p>Phoebe: I am happy.</p>
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<p>David: Damn it! I-I'm sorry. I-I don't mean that. I-I want you to be happy...
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But only with me. No, uhm... that's not fair. Uh, who cares, leave him!. Oh, I
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don't mean that. Yes I do... I'm sorry Uhm, I... I think I should probably
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uhm... go...</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Well... but David, just... I just want you to know that... that...
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you know... telling you this... is one of the hardest things I've ever had to
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do.</p>
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<p>David: Well... just so you know... hearing it wasn't exactly a Vladnik
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carnival either... Can we at least hug goodbye?</p>
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<p>Phoebe: Of course, yeah.(they hug and Phoebe sighs... a little after that
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also David sighs and makes his way to the door) You know, a kiss on the cheek
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wouldn't be totally inappropriate...</p>
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<p>David: No... no...</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: I mean... (David kisses Phoebe on the cheek, makes his way to the
|
||
door and turns around again)</p>
|
||
<p>David: In Minsk...</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: Yeah?</p>
|
||
<p>David: ...it's uhm... i-it's two on each cheek and uhm... and one on the
|
||
lips.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: Well, if that's what they do in Minsk... (They kiss 2 on each
|
||
cheek... and then they pause... David turns to the door) In New York... it's...
|
||
(and then David grabs her by her neck and kisses her full on the lips... They
|
||
kiss passionately and cannot seem to stop.)</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Sandy sit on the couch. Sandy
|
||
holds Emma. Ross enters the apartment. Sandy and Rachel wipe their tears away
|
||
with handkerchiefs]</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: (in a tearful voice) Oh... Oh boy... (she turns around and sees Ross)
|
||
Hi...</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: (very worried) Is everything allright?</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: Oh yeah, it's fine, it's fine. Sandy was just... was just telling me
|
||
about how he proposed to his fianc<6E>e and it was just sooo beautiful.</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: Well, her favourite flower is the camellia. From the poem...</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: I can't... I can't hear it again.</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: You know, I can't tell it again... (wipes his tears again)</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: And I'm fine never having heard it... (Rachel looks at Ross in a "why
|
||
do you say that" manner) Rach, can I... can I see you for a sec?</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: Yeah! (to Sandy) Excuse me... (She walks to the kitchen with Ross and
|
||
sighs)</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Do you realise that man has cried in our apartment three times...? Huh?
|
||
I haven't cried that many times since I moved in.</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: Look, Ross, he's just... Sandy is just sensitive, that's all.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: (picks up a cookie) Okay, okay, see... that... that is the problem. He
|
||
is too sensitive. (takes a bite from the cookie)</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: What...? Too sensitive to take care of our baby?</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: (speaking with his mouth full) Yeah, I mean, all things that guy...
|
||
(looks at the cookie) These are amazing!</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: Sandy made Madeleines.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: This... this is exactly what I'm talking about. What kind of a guy
|
||
makes... makes... delicate French cookies, huh? They're not even... butch, manly
|
||
cookies with... with... you know with... with chunks. (takes a careful bite from
|
||
the cookie)</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: Well, I... you know, I-I-I don't know what to say... I mean, I never
|
||
thought of you as a guy who needed his men to be men. You know, 'cause I gotta
|
||
tell you Ross, it not like you just came in from branding cattle.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Hey... there's sensitive... and there is too sensitive.</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: Okay, what? What is too sensitive? (There's music coming from the
|
||
living room. Ross opens the door to the living room and he and Rachel see Sandy
|
||
play a song for Emma on his recorder. Rachel is moved by this, but Ross only
|
||
sees his point proven again, and walks back into the kitchen, angrily. The door
|
||
he was holding, swings back and hits Rachel.)</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. She and David are still kissing each other in the
|
||
living room.]</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: Hmmm... No, no... No, I can't do this. It's bad.</p>
|
||
<p>David: But... I-I-It's nice... A-a-and... nice is good. A-a-and good is not
|
||
bad, ergo, w-w-we should keep kissing.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: No, no. No.</p>
|
||
<p>David: But... ergo...</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: Look David, if... if you had never left, then... yeah, we'd probably
|
||
still be together right now, but... you did leave, and I-I'm with Mike and I
|
||
really care about him...</p>
|
||
<p>David: Uhm... uhm... Goodbye... Uh... Schto ya ztez vigul... ui... (David
|
||
holds his hands gently on the back of Phoebe's neck. There's a sound of a a
|
||
bunch of keys rattling, and the door opens... It's Mike)</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: Well... hey, the key works...! (he looks as if he doesn't want to
|
||
believe what's happening)</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: (points to David) And you thanks for the face massage. Thank you.</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica is in the kitchen and Ross
|
||
enters.]</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Did Rachel tell you we hired a male nanny?</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Yeah! I think that's great!</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Oh really? Did she tell you he plays the recorder, recites poetry and
|
||
bakes Madeleines?</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Oh... How are they?</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: (looks like in heaven) Lighter than air... (changes back to serious)
|
||
But that's not the point. (Joey now also enters)</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Hey!</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Hey...! Rachel and I hired a male nanny.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: (looks surprised) Really...? Guys do that...? That's... weird...</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Thank you!</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: That's like a woman wanting to be a...</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: ...a what? A what? What's the end of that sentence?</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Yes... What is the end of that sentence?</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Uhm... A penis model. (Monica can't believe what's she's hearing and
|
||
Ross pats Joey on the back.) Anyway, hey... Did you tell Chandler that some guy
|
||
from work is the funniest guy you've ever met?</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Yeah, so?</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Wow!</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Really? Do you not know Chandler?</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Is that why he's acting so weird...? He's jealous...? Oh my God, that
|
||
is crazy. It's not like I'm attracted to Geoffrey...</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: So what? Being funny is Chandler's thing... You know, like Ross's thing
|
||
is... (he can't come up with anything)</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Science...? Academia...? Being a good father...?</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: ...No... (he just can't seem to grasp it)</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: I can't believe he's that upset about this...</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay. 'Cause he's
|
||
feeling like... (the door opens and Chandler walks in with a pizza)</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: Hey!</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Heeeyy! Hey!</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: What are you guys talking about?</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Uhm... Rachel and I hired a male nanny. (Joey makes a gesture and sound
|
||
like "Can you believe that?")</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: You got a man who's a nanny...? You got a manny...? (Monica starts
|
||
laughing, but very exaggerated. Joey realises they also should laugh and punches
|
||
Ross. Now all three of them laugh, but very fake. Chandler seems happy
|
||
again.)</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: You know, I don't mind a... male nanny, but I do draw the line at a
|
||
male wetnurse. (again they laugh, even more fake than before)</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Ohhh, ooohhh... you are on a roll, mister!</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: If I'd known you guys were coming over, I would have brought more
|
||
pizza. (they all burst out in a thundering laugh)</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Okay, okay... Chandler you... you stop it! (Monica wipes away
|
||
tears)</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: What is so funny about that? (they realise it wasn't a joke)</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Well, I don't know... I-It's... just the way you say it... I mean,
|
||
you're funny... You have that funny thing. You're a funny guy! (Chandler turns
|
||
to Joey)</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: Did you tell her what we talked about? (Joey starts laughing
|
||
hysterically, but then gets serious again...)</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Yeah....</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: So those were pity laughs? PITY LAUGHS? (Joey and Ross walk away
|
||
from the kitchen)</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Honey, listen... You have nothing to worry about with Geoffrey.</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: Oh yeah? Is he funnier than me?</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Well, you're... you're different funny... I mean, you're... you're
|
||
more sarcastic a-a-and... well, he does... bits... and impressions... and... and
|
||
limericks...</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: I do limericks... uhm... There once was a man named Chandler, whose
|
||
wife made him die inside.</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Honey, you know I think you're hilarious! Come on, you know that joke
|
||
you told me last week? The one about Jerry Lewis and the girl with the lazy
|
||
eye...? (he laughs) That slayed me.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Hey... I made up that joke and told it to you! (He points at Chandler.
|
||
Joey gestures to Ross "What are you doing?)</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Not knowing when to shut up...</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Yep! That's my thing...</p>
|
||
<p>COMMERCIAL BREAK</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. David is still there. Mike closes the door.]</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: So... how many guys have your key?</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no... It's not... it's not... i'ts not as bad as it
|
||
looks... really. I was just saying goodbye to an old friend.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: Your lipstick's on his mouth.</p>
|
||
<p>David: Oh, uh... we just uh... happen to wear the same shade.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: No, uhm... David and I did use to go out... but years ago, and he
|
||
lives in Minsk. He's only... he's only in town for a couple of days.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: Did you uhm...</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: No, no... </p>
|
||
<p>Mike: ...kiss him?</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: Oh, well, yeah...</p>
|
||
<p>David: Yes, but uhm... You should know... she really likes you. I-In fact
|
||
I-I-I don't think you realise j-just how lucky you are fella. (he points at
|
||
Mike)</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: Don't point your finger at me.</p>
|
||
<p>David: Why? Wh-What are you going to do about it?</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: Well... I'll... just show you what I'm gonna do about it... (he hits
|
||
David's finger with his finger and they start to finger-fight using their
|
||
fingers as swords saying all kinds of macho crap)</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it, before someone gets really hurt! (they stop and
|
||
Phoebe gets David's jacket and gives it to him) Here David, you should just
|
||
go.</p>
|
||
<p>David: Allright... But... if I ever do come back from Minsk... (points at
|
||
Mike) well, you just better watch out.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: Well, if I ever goto Minsk, you'd better watch out.</p>
|
||
<p>David: Oh, you're going to Minsk?</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: Well, I might.</p>
|
||
<p>David: Really? Well, if you do, come in the spring. It's just lovely
|
||
there.</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: Okay, well... guys?</p>
|
||
<p>David: Right... Goodbye Phoebe. (Makes a move to kiss her.)</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: Hey, what are you kidding me?</p>
|
||
<p>David: Right-o, right-o... (to Mike) Take good care of her. (and he
|
||
leaves)</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. If you... If you want your key back, I
|
||
totally understand.</p>
|
||
<p>Mike: It's never gonna happen again right?</p>
|
||
<p>Phoebe: Right! Never! Never! I swear! (They kiss... The door opens and David
|
||
comes in again.)</p>
|
||
<p>David: I-I... Oh I...I just wanna say uhm... if you do ever come to Minsk,
|
||
that's my number (gives Mike a business card) We'll uhm... we'll party up
|
||
Vladnik style. (He leaves again)</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross walks in the hallway to his apartment and stops in front of his
|
||
own door. Now he hears two recorders playing a song. When he enters, Sandy and
|
||
Joey are playing the recorder and Rachel listens.]</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Yeah! Allright! Hey, hey Ross. Check it out! Sandy taught me Hot-cross
|
||
Buns.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Really? Sounded like Three Blind Mice.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Noooo... Three Blind Mice goes like this... (he puts his fingers in
|
||
position on the recorder)</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: (looks angrily at Joey and points at him) I swear to God...! (Joey is
|
||
in shock)</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: Who's up for puppets?</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Me! I'm up for puppets!</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: Well, please welcome... The Snufflebumps... Who wants to be mr.
|
||
Wigglemunch and who's gonna be the Grumpus?</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Okay, okay... How exactly is a two month old supposed to appreciate
|
||
puppets?</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: Actually studies have shown that the movement and colours help their
|
||
cerebral development... The whimsical characters are just for us. (He winks to
|
||
Joey and Rachel. Ross's face says he disapproves. Joey sees that and kind of
|
||
angrily says...)</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: I wanna be mr. Wigglemunch. (and makes a "there" nod to Ross)</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: (shakes his head) Oh my God!</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: Well, I guess we know who's gonna be the Grumpus... (Ross goes to the
|
||
kitchen)</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross and Rachel's kitchen. Ross got a beer from the refrigerator and
|
||
opens the bottle. Rachel now also enters the kitchen.]</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: That was kind of rude!</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Oh, I'm sorry. Please apologise to Sandy and the Snufflebumps for
|
||
me.</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: You know, he was just doing his job...</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Well, you know what... I-I'm sorry I'm the only one who isn't in love
|
||
with Gary Poppins out there... But I just... I can't... I can't go through with
|
||
this.</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: Oh, come on Ross...</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: No! Hey, you know what? I'm sorry. I would never force you... to hire
|
||
someone you were this uncomfortable with...</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: (sighs) Oh... That's true.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Thank you!</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: Well, you're the one who wants to fire him, so you're gonna have to
|
||
do it. (Ross walks to the living room determined to fire Sandy)</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Living room. Joey and Sandy are talking with the Snufflebumps.]</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: (In a puppet voice) So you see Wigglemunch, that's why it's important
|
||
to shaaaaaaare...</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: (kind of emotional) I am learning so much from you.</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica and Joey are sitting at the
|
||
dinner table. Chandler comes from the bedroom with his suitcase.]</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: Well, I'm off to Tulsa, so if your Maitre D. friend has any funny
|
||
Oklahoma jokes, tell him to e-mail me at http://www.hahanotsomuch.com/.</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Honey, you can relax. Last night at work, Geoffrey told this really
|
||
sexist joke. After that, not so funny anymore.</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: Really...? See... that's the thing: you gotta keep it smart,
|
||
people!</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Okay, don't miss that flight. You know I love you.</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: I love you too. (Monica and Chandler kiss. He turns to Joey.)
|
||
And... I like you as a friend. (They hug and pat each other on the back.) </p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Allright. See you later!</p>
|
||
<p>Chandler: See ya! (he leaves the apartment)</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: (to Monica) Did that guy really make that joke?</p>
|
||
<p>Monica: Naaaa... He still kills me. Last night he had me laughing so hard, I
|
||
swear... a little pee came out.</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Sandy is knitting baby clothes. Ross and
|
||
Rachel walk into the living room.]</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Here goes...</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: I can't watch. It's like firing Elmo. (Ross walks to the couch where
|
||
Sandy sits)</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Sandy... Hi, we uhm... we kinda need to talk. I'm afraid it's not
|
||
working out.</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: (surprised) Oh...</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Yeah, uhm... I mean, Rachel and I, think you are great... with Emma...
|
||
uhm... We just feel...</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: (from behind the bedroom door) YOU! You feel!</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: I... just feel that the... the chemistry isn't right. I'm sorry.
|
||
We're... we're more than happy to give you good recommendation...</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: Oh, no, no, no... That's okay. I got a lot of offers from other
|
||
families. I just picked you guys because... I liked you the best.</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: (from bedroom) Oh, damn you Geller!</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Anyway, uhm...Well, I'm glad there's no hard feelings.</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: No, none at all. You need to be happy with whoever is in your home...
|
||
Although if you don't mind telling me, what was your problem? Maybe it's
|
||
something I can work on in the future.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: No, you know, it's uhm... nothing you did, it's... it's uhm... my
|
||
issue.</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: What is it...? (Ross hesitates) Please...? (he tilts his head)</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: You know, I'm just not uhm... that comfortable with a guy who's as
|
||
sensitive as you.</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: That's fair... Although, can I ask... why do you think that is?</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Why... I... I don't know. (Sandy tilts his head again) Uhm... errrr...
|
||
maybe... maybe because of my father?</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: hmmm... (and shakes his head)</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: I mean, uhm... you know when I was growing up he was kind of a tough
|
||
guy... You know a-a-and as a kid I wasn't the athlete I am now.</p>
|
||
<p>Rachel: (from the bedroom) Huh ha ha!</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: I play squash...! Anyway, uhm... I uhm... I always get the feeling he
|
||
thought I was too sensitive.</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: That must have been hard.</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: It was hard... I remember... I was in my bedroom... playing with my
|
||
dinosaurs... playing and learning... and my father walks in and says... he
|
||
says... "What are you doing with those things? What's wrong with you, why aren't
|
||
you... why aren't you outside playing like a... like a real boy?</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: But you are a real boy!</p>
|
||
<p>Ross: I know I am! (Ross now starts to cry) ...And when it's summer, and it's
|
||
hot, why can't you wear a tank top?</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: It's allright! Crying is good. It lets the boo-hoos out. </p>
|
||
<p>Ross: Here come some more...</p>
|
||
<p>COMMERCIAL BREAK</p>
|
||
<p>[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Sandy are sitting at the kitchen counter.
|
||
Joey is holding mr. Wigglemunch, and Sandy holds the Grumpus.]</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy/Grumpus: And what's the one kind of boat that can never, ever sink?</p>
|
||
<p>Joey/Wigglemunch: What kind?</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy/Grumpus: A friend-ship...</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Wow! You blow my mind...</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: Oh, I gotta go.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: Aaahh... How much do I owe you?</p>
|
||
<p>Sandy: Twenty bucks.</p>
|
||
<p>Joey: It's like the cheapest college ever.</p>
|
||
<p>END</p>
|
||
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