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<title>The One With The Birthing Video</title>
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<font size="6"><b>
<p align="CENTER">The One With The Birthing Video</p>
</b></font>
<hr>
<p>Written by: Dana Klein Borkow<br>
Transcribed by: Dan Gottleib</p>
<hr>
<p>[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is getting a cup of coffee as Joey and Phoebe enter and
sit down.]</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Oh! Hey, Rach!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Hi! Hey, Happy Valentine<6E>s Day!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Oh, you, too.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Hey, so, uh, how<6F>s it going living over at Ross<73>?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>It<EFBFBD>s good. Except he makes us watch the <i>Discovery Channel </i>all
day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the
Middle Ages? (to the waitress handing her a cup of coffee) Oh, thank you. I<>ll see
you guys later.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Okay.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Bye.</p>
<p>(Rachel exits with coffee)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>There<EFBFBD>s one lucky to-go cup of coffee.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe:</b> (sighs) Honey, I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this.
Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want to look down my top?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Thanks. But maybe later.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Oh, Gunther, can I get a scone?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Gunther: </b>(to Joey) You want anything?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>You know what I want? I want a lot of things! I want to be with the woman I
love on Valentine<6E>s Day! And I want her to love me back! And I want just one moment
of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that that<61>s never going to happen!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Gunther: </b>We have red bagels.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Oh, okay.<b> </b></p><b>
<p align="CENTER">Opening Credits</p>
</b>
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler<65>s. Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the living room
talking.]</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>So, how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Oh, I<>m actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, she<68>s been
away all week visiting her parents, but she<68>ll be cool. I mean, she<68>s been so
supportive. She-she even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says, <20>Fossils are my
friends.<2E></p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Ugh. Come on, Mona, don<6F>t kiss ass.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Uh, I<>m going to take off.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>All right. Oh! Shoot! Oh shoot! Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>What is it?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>It<EFBFBD>s a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back
to your apartment?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>All right. (reading the label) <20>Candy and Cookie?<3F></p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Yeah. Candy<64>s the mother, Cookie<69>s the daughter. The
father<EFBFBD>s also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica:</b> (entering with something behind her back) Phoebe, c<>mere. I want to
show you something in the bathroom.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Oh, Monica, grow up!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Hey, what<61>s behind your back?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebe<62>s opinion on for
Valentine<EFBFBD>s Day.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>You don<6F>t want my opinion?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Not really.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Come on, I<>m your older brother, ask me!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>All right, big brother. (holds up two erm<72>revealing articles of
clothing) Which of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter, so your
best friend would want to do her?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(quietly) The red one.</p>
<p>[Scene: Joey and<6E>wait<69>just Joey<65>s. Joey is sitting at the counter eating
a pizza.]</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>(knocking and entering) Hey. Look, I know you<6F>ve been really depressed
lately, so I brought someone over to cheer you up. Right outside this door is a real,
live, furry playmate.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>No, I<>m not sleeping with your friend Jane again.</p>
<p>(Phoebe goes into the hall and brings a dog inside!)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>He-hee!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Hey! A dog! Hi! Who, you got to admit, looks a lot like Jane.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy.
Now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Thanks so much, Pheebs! (to the dog) We are going to have so much fun, yes we
are! (the dog sticks his head between Joey<65>s legs) Oh! Not that kind of fun.</p>
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler<65>s. Chandler enters with a bouquet of roses.]</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Happy Valentine<6E>s!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>(from her bedroom) Okay! I<>ll be right out. I<>m slipping into
something a little less comfortable, and a little more slutty.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>(picking up a video from the table) <20>Candy and Cookie<69>.
<EFBFBD>Candy and Cookie?<3F> Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must
love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some
"porn")</p>
<p>(A woman on TV breaths hard)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Man on TV: </b>Yeah, just relax.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>I love you, St. Valentine.</p>
<p>(The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandler<65>s eyes get huge!)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Woah, woah, that<61>s not pretty!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Man on TV: </b>Now, push!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Woman on TV: </b>Ow! Ow! Ooh! That hurts!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! (Chandler starts to press buttons on
the remote control, frantically.)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Woman on TV: </b>Ohhh! Make it stop!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>I am trying!</p>
<p>[Scene: Joey<65>s. Joey is playing fetch with the dog.]</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! (Joey pretends to throw it,
but really doesn<73>t, and the dog goes running off.) Well, you<6F>re cute, but
you<EFBFBD>re not too smart! </p>
<p>(The dog returns with a ball that looks exactly like the same one Joey has.)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>(looking at the ball the dog brought back) Did I just throw this?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(entering) Hi.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Hi.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (looks at the dog and gasps) Who
is this?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Oh, that<61>s, uh, that<61>s Phoebe<62>s friend<6E>s dog. I
don<EFBFBD>t know what his real name is, but I call him Mozzarella.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(talking with a higher voice, and puckered lips<70>kind of like you do to
a baby or...well<6C>a puppy<70>it<69>s hard to explain. Just use your imagination!)
Oh, well, you are so cute! I wish I could play with you more, but I<>ve got to go to
work! I hope I stop talking like this before my marketing meeting, yes I do. Yes I do.
(still talking like that) Bye-bye, Joey. Oh, I seriously can<61>t stop it. (exits)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>(to the dog) C<>mere. Hey. C<>mere. That<61>s Rachel. She<68>s
the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with you<6F>we love her. But we
can<EFBFBD>t have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? You<6F>re a
guy. (thinks about it and picks up the dog and looks) Well, you used to be.</p>
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler<65>s. Chandler is sitting on the couch staring at the
tape on the coffee table with his eyes huge and his mouth wide open.]</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>(entering from her bedroom) So what do you think? (referring to her outfit)</p>
<p>(Chandler glances up at Monica with his mouth still wide open and his eyes still huge)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>(to herself) I<>ve still got it!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>(pointing at the video) Why did you get me this?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>What is it?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>It<EFBFBD>s yelling<6E>bleeding<6E>dilating. Oh, the dilating<6E></p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Is this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is Phoebe<62>s.
Why were you even watching it?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>I thought<68>maybe<62>you got me porn for Valentine<6E>s Day.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you porn for Valentine<6E>s
Day<EFBFBD> (pulls a video out of a basket) you were right! Apparently, it<69>s about a
young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having
sex with a lot of guys! Yeah, it got four starts! (looks closer) Oh, wait a minute. Those
aren<EFBFBD>t stars. Anyway, you want to take a look?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Well, I<>m not really in a sexy mood right now.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Honey, what<61>s going on?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Well, remember the first time we saw<i> Jaws</i>?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Mm-hmm.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>How long it took to go back in the water?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Chandler, we can<61>t let this tape wreck Valentine<6E>s Day!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>You don<6F>t know. You didn<64>t see it.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Child-birth, it<69>s a natural thing! It<49>s beautiful.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up
the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like
he<EFBFBD>s going to throw up!)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Oh! Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>See, honey, there<72>s<EFBFBD>(puts his hand on her leg)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Don<EFBFBD>t touch me!</p>
<p>[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch reading a magazine as Mona enters.]</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Hi!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Hey! (they hug) So, how was Atlantic City?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Good.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Yeah?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>I brought you back a present.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Wha<EFBFBD>? Oh, come on. You didn<64>t have to<74>saltwater taffy?! (Mona
laughs) Thanks! This is interesting. You know, most people think this is made with sea
water, but it<69>s actually made with, uh, salted fresh water. That<61>s not
interesting.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>I think it<69>s interesting.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I do too! I missed you!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>I missed you, too! So, how was your week?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Oh, it was good! It was good. Actually, the baby started kicking!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>How exciting!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Yeah! I know! It was. Oh<4F> the only sad thing is I wasn<73>t around
when it happened for the first time.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Oh no.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Yeah, I<>m missing out on all this other stuff, too. So, Joey suggested
Rachel move in with me.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>(laughing) Yeah right!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>What?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Joey cracks me up! It<49>s like, <20>Yeah, why don<6F>t you have your
ex-wife move in with you? That wouldn<64>t be awkward at all!<21> (she laughs again)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(not amused) Huh<75>uh-huh.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Huh, could you imagine. I go away for a few days, and come back, and my
boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant! (Mona laughs<68>yes<65>again!)</p>
<p>(Ross fake laughs, obviously not finding this funny, and he<68>s starting to panic,
so he shoves the whole saltwater taffy he<68>s eating in his mouth)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>So, what<61>d you tell him?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(with his mouth full) Just a second! (he fake laughs, but turns his head and
starts to break down)</p>
<b>
<p align="CENTER">Commercial Break</p>
</b>
<p>[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>How could you not tell Mona that Rachel is living with you?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I don<6F>t know, she seemed to think it was such a crazy idea! Um, plus,
she, uh, she got me taffy!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Taffy, really? I<>ve never had any.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Ever?!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Well, I think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide
saltwater treats. (Ross hands her one) Thank you! So what, you<6F>re just never going to
tell her?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know,
I<EFBFBD>m going to take her to an amazing Valentine<6E>s dinner. Do all this romantic
stuff, and then, just when she thinks I<>m the best boyfriend in the world, then
I<EFBFBD>m going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>If I haven<65>t said it before: she<68>s a lucky, lucky lady! So, where
are you going to<74>what the mother of crap is up with this stuff? (Referring to the
taffy, which she<68>s been chewing this whole time.) Oh, God. Is it gum, is it food?
What<EFBFBD>s the deal? (she swallows it, finally) Oh, it<69>s nice! May I try a pink one?</p>
<p>[Scene: Joey<65>s. Joey is laying on his recliner, depressed, and the dog is laying
on the footrest.]</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>So, between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross, it just
isn<EFBFBD>t going to happen. It would be like you falling in love with a cat.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>(entering) Hey!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Hey.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Hey, buddy. How<6F>s my favorite dog, huh? How<6F>s my favorite dog?
(the dog doesn<73>t move) You<6F>re subdued. (to Joey) Did you give him a beer?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>No.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Will you excuse us, we need to talk for a moment.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Yeah, sure. Go ahead. (pause) Oh, me, right!</p>
<p>(Joey follows Phoebe into the kitchen)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>He<EFBFBD>s miserable! What happened to him?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Nothing. We just talked about stuff.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>What stuff?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Rachel stuff.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Oh<EFBFBD>Joey, you bummed him out! This was the happiest dog in the world,
and he spends half a day with you, and look at him!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>He<EFBFBD>s breathing!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Phoebe: </b>Okay, I<>m going to take him back to Wendy<64>s.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>No, no, no, no! He<48>s fine! Look, look, look! (picks up the ball)
Here<EFBFBD>s your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! (he throws the ball and it bounces
right next to the dog) Get your ball! My God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the
dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog!</p>
<p>[Scene: Ross and<6E>Rachel<65>s<EFBFBD>I guess I have to call it that now. Rachel is
reading on the couch as Ross enters.]</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Well, I<>m, uh, going to pick up Mona. What have you got going tonight?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Oh, I<>ve got big Valentine<6E>s plans! I<>ve got my Chinese food
on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Y<EFBFBD>know, it<69>s interesting! Most people think that<61>s made with
seawater, when in fact<63></p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Ross, we actually watched the documentary together.</p>
<p>(There is a knock on the door.)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Ooh! My Chinese food! Let me get my cash! (runs to her room to get her
money)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(opening the door to see Mona standing there) Mona? What are<72>hi! What
are you doing here? I<>m, um, supposed to pick you up!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Change of plans, I made you a special Valentine<6E>s dinner! Surprise!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(he makes some really weird noise hear that sounds kind of
like<EFBFBD>)Ayyyayyyy!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(entering) Oh, hey, Mona!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Hi! Hi. Hi, Rachel! (to Ross) What<61>s she doing here?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I have no idea!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>I<EFBFBD>ll be watching TV if anybody needs me. (exits to her room)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Seriously, what is she doing?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Uh<EFBFBD>lately, she just likes hanging out here.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Why?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I think she<68>s lonely.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Okay, but it<69>s Valentine<6E>s Day!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I know.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Can<EFBFBD>t we just ask her to go?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>No, no. She<68>s way to emotional. And by emotional I mean crazy.</p>
<p>(Doorbell rings)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>I<EFBFBD>m not here! That<61>s just my Chinese food!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Oh, my God! She has food delivered here?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Mm-hmm. She<68>s<EFBFBD>she<68>s emotional, but, but ballsy.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>You know what I<>m going to do? I<>m going to get in my sweats, and
eat this in bed! (exits)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>And you thought she was going to be in our way! So, why don<6F>t you, uh,
open the champagne, and I<>ll be right back. I<>ve got a surprise for you.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>You got another ex-wife back there?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(fakes a laugh) Please start drinking! (exits)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(entering) I<>m just going to grab the phone.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>Oh, Rachel! Wait! Hey, I hope you don<6F>t take this the wrong way, but,
but, um<75> what are you doing?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Oh, I<>m sorry! Do you need the phone?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Mona: </b>No, no. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this is his apartment,
and, and, we gotta have some boundaries, so why don<6F>t you go back to your place and
give us some privacy?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(as Ross enters with a present) But, but, Mona, I live here.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>(handing Mona the present) Happy Valentine<6E>s Day! <20>Or something to
remember me by.</p>
<p>[Scene: Monica and Chandler<65>s. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch still
staring at the screen.]</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>How long has it been this time?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>90 seconds.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>That<EFBFBD>s better. 90 seconds is a long time not to think about
it<EFBFBD>except all I did was think about it.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>You know, it haunts me? Up <20>til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was
my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that
my screensaver!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Okay, well, we have to get past this! Why don<6F>t we get rid of the tape
and pretend it never existed?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>I can do that.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Okay.</p>
<p>(Chandler takes the tape and sticks it under the chair cushion)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Okay. Now all we<77>ve got to do is get rid of this chair.</p>
<p>(Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they can<61>t do it and
back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly for a second, until someone
knocks on the door.)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Oh, thank God!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Oh, I know!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Come in!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(entering) Hi! I<>m so sorry to barge in on your Valentine<6E>s, but
I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Oh, my God.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Poor Ross.</p>
<p>(Monica and Chandler both look at each other and run over to the window to watch the
action in Ross<73> apartment)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he
closes the drapes!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Rach, you know that birthing tape you wanted to see? It<49>s here.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it: don<6F>t watch it.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Why? You saw it? Is it scary?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Well, let<65>s just say it<69>s ironic how footage of someone being
born can make you want to kill yourself.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Well, now, wait. Now I<>m all freaked out. Come on, you guys will watch
it with me.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>No, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>C<EFBFBD>mon, seriously, you guys, you<6F>re not going to make me watch
this alone!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>She<EFBFBD>s right<68>of course not. Honey, get the tape.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>(with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it around) This
reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (Chandler puts the tape in, and they all
sit down) Okay, here we go.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Okay. (watching the tape) Ooh, my! (Rachel jumps when the woman starts
screaming) Woah! Why is that baby torturing that woman?!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Why have I seen this thing three times?!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>It<EFBFBD>s<EFBFBD>still beautiful.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Uh! It<49>s horrible!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>I know! I know, I<>m so sorry for you!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Oh, my God!</p>
<p>(Monica and Rachel both cover their eyes)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>Wait, you guys, look!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>What? Did her ass explode?!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>No, the baby<62>s out! Look, look!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Oh, look at those little fingers and toes!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Chandler: </b>And look how happy the mom is now!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Monica: </b>Oh<EFBFBD>Rach!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>Oh, screw you guys, you don<6F>t have to do it!</p>
<p>[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee as Joey comes from<6F>God knows where!
Some back area of Central Perk around the corner that we<77>ve never seen!
Weeeiiirrrddd<EFBFBD>.]</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Hey, hey, man!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Hey, what<61>s up?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Uh<EFBFBD>Mona just dumped me.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Oh, man, I<>m sorry. Why?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Well, with everything that<61>s been going on lately, I haven<65>t
exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didn<64>t tell her I got Rachel
pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had the locks changed! And then I
lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not
breaking up with me sooner, you know?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Still, that really sucks, man. Especially on Valentine<6E>s Day.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Yeah. Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Joey Tribbiani without a date
on Valentine<6E>s Day? What<61>s going on, huh? Girl trouble?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Sort of.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Really?!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>You don<6F>t have to seem so happy about it.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Oh, sorry. Well, look, maybe I can help you with it.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Oh, I<>I d<></p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Hey, whatever it is, I am sure it has happened to me. Y<>know, actually
once<EFBFBD>once I got dumped during sex.</p>
<p>(Two girls sitting at a table next to them look up in disgust, and Ross and Joey move
away)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Anyway, so, uh, so what is it?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Forget about it. It<49>s no big deal.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>C<EFBFBD>mon! Joey! What is it?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>It<EFBFBD>s nothing.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Hey, hey, it<69>s me. Why can<61>t you tell me?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Okay, uh<75>sit down. (they do) Um<55> there<72>s this woman that I
like. A lot. But, uh<75>it can<61>t happen.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>She<EFBFBD>s not a Tribbiani?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>No!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I knew it. So, is she someone from work?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Yes.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Well, uh, does she like you?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Sometimes I think maybe she could. But it doesn<73>t matter, because I
can<EFBFBD>t do anything about it.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Why not?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Well, it<69>s complicated. She<68>s with this other guy. For a long time.
Someone from work, too. And I could never do that to the guy, because we<77>re really
good friends.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh<75> is he still in love
with her?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>No. I don<6F>t think so.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Okay. Um<55> is he a good guy?</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Yeah, he<68>s the best.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Then talk to him! He might be fine with it.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Oh, I don<6F>t know.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Joey, it<69>s worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>I do! So much! I can<61>t stop thinking about her! I can<61>t sleep,
I<EFBFBD></p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it. How often does this happen
to you, huh? You owe it to yourself.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Gunther: </b>(placing a cup in front of Ross) Here<72>s your warm milk.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>I<EFBFBD>m going to<74>uh<75>I<EFBFBD>m going to, um, put the bourbon in it
at home.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>Oh, yeah.</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Ross: </b>Anyway<EFBFBD> seriously, uh<75>just<73>just talk to the guy, okay? And
tell me how it goes. (walks towards the door until<69>)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Joey: </b>It<EFBFBD>s Rachel.</p>
<p>(Ross just stands in the doorway, for like a minute<74>Ahh! What<61>s going to
happen next??!!! I can<61>t make it all the way through the Olympics!!!)</p>
<b>
<p align="CENTER">Closing Credits</p>
</b>
<p>[Scene: Ross and Rachel<65>s. Rachel is standing in front of the TV holding a video.]</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(thinking) <i>You<EFBFBD>re going to have a baby, and you need to be
prepared. Now, you<6F>re going to make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it!</i>
(Rachel puts the tape in the VCR)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Woman on TV: </b>I came to the big city to become a star! I<>ll do<64>anything to
make that happen!</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Man on TV: </b>Anything?</p>
<p>(Music starts playing<6E>yes<65>you know what kind of music<69>)</p>
<b>
</b><p><b>Rachel: </b>(thinking) <i>Hmm<EFBFBD>maybe it starts with </i>how <i>she gets pregnant.</i></p><i>
</i><b>
<p align="CENTER">End</p>
</b>
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